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Quotes for
Mrs. Alice Richards (Character)
from "Fawlty Towers" (1975)

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"Fawlty Towers: Communication Problems (#2.1)" (1979)
[Basil, having had his money mistaken for Mrs. Richards' lost money, becomes delirious with glee when her vase arrives along with her missing money, which Basil now claims to replace his original money]
Basil Fawlty: [seeing Mrs. Richards enter] Hello, Mrs. Richards, how lovely to see...
Basil Fawlty: [gasps] Your beautiful vase that you bought yesterday has just arrived. Now, remind me: the money that you have there - is it yours or mine?
Mrs. Richards: I told you. It's mine.
Basil Fawlty: Your absolutely sure?
Mrs. Richards: Yes. I am.
Basil Fawlty: But you're still ten pounds short?
Mrs. Richards: Yes.
Basil Fawlty: Ah, Polly, uh, give Mrs. Richards this, would you?
[hands Polly a banknote which she gives to Mrs Richards]
Mrs. Richards: [seeing the money in Basil's hand] What's that?
Basil Fawlty: This is MINE!

[Mrs. Richards comes downstairs for lavatory paper; Polly thinks she wants writing paper]
Mrs. Richards: Girl, there's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
Polly: We don't put it in the rooms.
Mrs. Richards: What?
Polly: Well, we keep it in the lounge.
Mrs. Richards: [aghast] In the lounge?
Polly: I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones or ones with our address on it?
Mrs. Richards: Address on it?
Polly: How many sheets? Well, how many are you going to use?
Mrs. Richards: Manager!

Mrs. Richards: [Scolding Polly for not revealing where her eyeglasses were located] Are you blind? They were on my head all the whole time, didn't you see?
Polly: Yes!
Mrs. Richards: Didn't God give you eyes?
Polly: Yes, but I don't use 'em 'cause it wears the batteries out.

Mrs. Richards: Are you the manager?
Basil Fawlty: I am the owner, madam.
Mrs. Richards: What?
Basil Fawlty: I am the owner.
Mrs. Richards: I want to speak to the manager.
Basil Fawlty: I am the manager, too.
Mrs. Richards: What?
Basil Fawlty: I am the manager as well.
Manuel: Manajer, he manajer.
[Basil smacks him]
Mrs. Richards: Oh, you're Watt!
Basil Fawlty: I'm the manager!
Mrs. Richards: What?
Basil Fawlty: I'm the manager!
Mrs. Richards: Yes, I know, you've just told me. What's the matter with you?

Basil Fawlty: Could you verify that, Major?
Major Gowen: What? Well, what, old boy?
Basil Fawlty: The-the-the... the money I gave you last night? Oh, you know, "for my wife's present." You remember, I gave it to you just before you went to the theater.
Major Gowen: The theater?
Basil Fawlty: Well, yes... You-you-you-you remember! Hm? Hm?
Basil Fawlty: [sotto] The money I won on the horse.
Major Gowen: A horse?
Mrs. Richards: What are you whispering? What are you saying?
Major Gowen: He says he won it on a horse.
Mrs. Richards: Won it on a horse!
Basil Fawlty: It doesn't matter. Do you remember me giving it to you?
[Looking confused]
Basil Fawlty: [Desperate] Oh, think, please, think!
Major Gowen: [Thinking hard for a moment] What was the question again?

Mrs. Richards: [to Polly, acidly] Isn't there anyone else who could help me? Really! This is the most appalling service I've ever...
Polly: What a good idea. Manuel? Could you lend Mrs. Richards your assistance in connection with her reservation?
[Manuel looks around, confused]
Mrs. Richards: [to Manuel] Now, I reserved a very quiet room with a bath and a sea view. I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation, so please make sure I have it.
Manuel: Que?
Mrs. Richards: What?
Manuel: Que?
Mrs. Richards: Kay?
Manuel: Si.
Mrs. Richards: Sea?
[Manuel nods]
Mrs. Richards: Kay, sea? Kay sea? What are you trying to say?
Manuel: No. No, no, no. Que... what.
Mrs. Richards: Kay Watt?
Manuel: Si, que: what.
Mrs. Richards: C.K. Watt?
Manuel: Yes!
Mrs. Richards: Who is C. K. Watt?
Manuel: Que?
Mrs. Richards: Is he the manager, Mr. Watt?
Manuel: Oh, manajer!
Mrs. Richards: He is?
Manuel: Ah, Mister Fawlty!
Mrs. Richards: What?
Manuel: Fawlty!

Mrs. Richards: What are you talking about, you silly little man?
Mrs. Richards: [to Polly] What is going on here? I ask him for my room and he tells me the manager is a Mr. Watt, aged forty.
Manuel: No, no, no, no. FAWLTY!
Mrs. Richards: He's faulty? What's wrong with him?
Polly: It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
Mrs. Richards: The manager's from Barcelona?
Manuel: No, no, no, he's from-a Swanage.
Polly: And you're in 22.
Mrs. Richards: What?
Polly: You're in Room 22. Manuel, take these cases up to 22, will you?

Mrs. Richards: Now listen to me: I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath, I expect to get a bath.
Basil Fawlty: [indicating] You've got a bath!
Mrs. Richards: I am not paying seven pounds, twenty pence per night, plus V.A.T., for a room without a bath.
Basil Fawlty: [opening the bathroom door] There is your bath!
Mrs. Richards: [looking at it] You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful.
Basil Fawlty: I wish you were a mouse.
Mrs. Richards: And another thing. I asked for a room with a view.
Basil Fawlty: [to Manuel then back to Mrs. Richard] Deaf, mad AND blind. Uh, this is the view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes. Yes, this is it.
Mrs. Richards: When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil Fawlty: [going to window, indicating] Well, that is Torquay, ma'am.
Mrs. Richards: Well, it's not good enough.
Basil Fawlty: Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeasts swinging majestically...
Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil Fawlty: You CAN see the sea. It's over there, between the land and the sky.
Mrs. Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that!
Basil Fawlty: Well, may I suggest that you move to a hotel closer to the sea...
Basil Fawlty: [sotto] ... or preferably in it?

Mrs. Richards: Now, listen to me. I'm not satisfied, but I've decided to stay here; however, I shall expect a reduction.
Basil Fawlty: Why? Because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
Mrs. Richards: No, because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
Basil Fawlty: No, the radio works. You don't.
Mrs. Richards: What?
Basil Fawlty: [crossing over to it] I'll see if I can't fix it, you scabby old bat!
[He turns it on, loudly; it works fine; Manuel plugs his ears]
Basil Fawlty: I think we got something then!
Mrs. Richards: What?
Basil Fawlty: [loudly] I think we got something then!
Mrs. Richards: [looking at Manuel with his fingers in his ears] What ARE you doing?
Manuel: Que?
Basil Fawlty: [after smacking Manuel's head] Madam, don't think me rude, but, may I ask, do you by any chance have a hearing aid?
Mrs. Richards: A what?
Basil Fawlty: A HEARING AID!
Mrs. Richards: Yes, I do have a hearing aid.
Basil Fawlty: Would you like me to get it mended?
Mrs. Richards: Mended? It's working perfectly all right.
Basil Fawlty: No, it isn't.
Mrs. Richards: I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
Basil Fawlty: Why not?
Mrs. Richards: The battery runs down.

[Basil is mouthing words to Mrs. Richards, so she is forced to turn up her hearing aid as high as it will go]
Sybil Fawlty: [quietly] Basil, don't! Don't!
[Basil is still mouthing words]
Mrs. Richards: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I haven't got it turned up enough.
Sybil Fawlty: [shouting] Basil!
Basil Fawlty: [at full volume now, right into Mrs. Richards' face] I SAID... WE SHOULD GO...!
Mrs. Richards: [jumps back with a shock, hitting her head on the shelf] Oh! Oh, my head! My head!
Basil Fawlty: Has it come away?
Mrs. Richards: Oh!
Sybil Fawlty: [to Mrs. Richards as she elbows Basil] Did you bang your head?
Mrs. Richards: Yes, yes!
Sybil Fawlty: Oh dear, let me have a look.
Basil Fawlty: You'd better go and lie down before something ELSE happens.
Sybil Fawlty: Shut up, Basil!
Mrs. Richards: Why don't you call the police?
Sybil Fawlty: Well, we will, the moment we've searched the rooms.
Mrs. Richards: [as she exits] My money's been taken!
Sybil Fawlty: Yes, yes, I know. Try not to speak.
Basil Fawlty: [picking up a particle] Is this a piece of your brain?
Sybil Fawlty: [kicks Basil in the shin; he sinks into chair] Shut up, Basil.
Mrs. Richards: Eighty-five pounds.
Sybil Fawlty: [to Mrs. Richards] Take my arm.
Mrs. Richards: I don't need your arm, thank you. I can get down the stairs perfectly all right by myself.
Basil Fawlty: "Down" the stairs? Oh, well, don't stop when you get to the basement. Keep straight on... give my regards to the earth's core!