Sybil Fawlty
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Quotes for
Sybil Fawlty (Character)
from "Fawlty Towers" (1975)

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"Fawlty Towers: The Psychiatrist (#2.2)" (1979)
Sybil Fawlty: Oh, and one word of advice: If you're going to grope a girl, have the gallantry to stay in the room with her while you're doing it. Mmmm?

Sybil Fawlty: Do you really imagine, even in your wildest dreams, that a girl like this could possibly be interested in an aging, Brilliantined, stick-insect like you?

Sybil Fawlty: It's a relatively new profession, psychiatry, isn't it?
Mrs. Abbott: Well, Freud started about 1880.
Sybil Fawlty: Yes, but it's only now we're seeing them on the television.

Sybil Fawlty: Good evening, Mr. Johnson!
Mr. Johnson: Evening! Any messages?
Polly: Um, three, I think.
Sybil Fawlty: Three! Everybody wants you, don't they?
Mr. Johnson: [chuckles] I wouldn't say that.
Sybil Fawlty: Ah, well, you're only single once.
Basil Fawlty: [calling from office] Twice can be arranged.

Sybil Fawlty: Old people are wonderful when they have so much life, aren't they? Gives us all hope, doesn't it? My mother on the other hand is a little bit of a trial, really. You know, it's alright when they have the lifeforce but Mother - well she's got more of the deathforce really. She's a worrier. She has these, well, morbid fears they are, really. Vans is one. Rats. Doorknobs. Birds. Heights. Open spaces. Confined spaces. It's very difficult getting the space right for her really, you know. Footballs. Bicycles. Cows. And she's always on about men following her, I don't know what she thinks they're going to do to her. Vomit on her, Basil says.

Sybil Fawlty: I have had it up to here with you.
Basil Fawlty: How, dear?
Sybil Fawlty: You never get it right, do you? You're either crawling all over them, licking their boots, or spitting poison at them like some benzedrine puff adder.
Basil Fawlty: Just trying to enjoy myself.

Basil Fawlty: [to the Abbotts] It's rather fascinating your both being doctors. Port for you, Doctor. Because, at one stage I was contemplating becoming a surgeon.
Sybil Fawlty: [interjecting] A tree surgeon. Ha-ha!
Basil Fawlty: Thank you, Sybil.
Sybil Fawlty: Had to give it up. Couldn't stand the sight of sap. Ha!

Basil Fawlty: What in God's game are you... you doing? What did you hit me for?
Sybil Fawlty: How dare you!
[She slaps his face again]
Sybil Fawlty: How DARE you!
Basil Fawlty: Have you gone mad? What's got into you?
Sybil Fawlty: You really don't know?
Basil Fawlty: No, I don't!
Sybil Fawlty: What were you doing up that ladder? Come on.
Basil Fawlty: I was trying to see the girl!
Sybil Fawlty: What?
Basil Fawlty: Is that so strange?
[She slaps him again]

"Fawlty Towers: Basil the Rat (#2.6)" (1979)
Sybil Fawlty: [about Manuel's rat] Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to S-L-E-E-P.
Basil Fawlty: Who? Him or the rat? Might get a discount if we have them both done.
Manuel: 'Spleep'?

Basil Fawlty: Do sit down, Mr. Carnegie.
Sybil Fawlty: He just has, Basil.
Mr. Carnegie: On a plate of veal.
Basil Fawlty: Has it put you off?
Mr. Carnegie: What?
Basil Fawlty: Has it put you off the veal, at all?
Mr. Carnegie: Well, I'm not eating THAT one if THAT'S what you mean!

Basil Fawlty: Manuel... my wife informs me that you're... depressed. Let me tell you something. Depression is a very bad thing. It's like a virus. If you don't stamp on it, it spreads throughout the mind, and then one day you wake up in the morning and you... you can't face life any more!
Sybil Fawlty: And then you open a hotel.

[Polly struggles to keep Mr. Carnegie, the health inspector, from learning of Manuel's pet rat, Basil - named after Basil Fawlty - running loose in the hotel]
Manuel: The Major try to kill Basil!
Sybil Fawlty: Kill BASIL?
Manuel: No, not Mr. Fawlty. I mean Basil, my little...
Polly: [suddenly, before Manuel can say 'Rat' in front of the health inspector] RATATOUILLE!
Mr. Carnegie: Basil the little...
Polly: Ratatouille. The chef calls the ratatouille 'Basil' because he puts quite a lot of basil in it.
Manuel: He put Basil in the ratatouille?
Polly: Yes!
[Manuel runs off to the kitchen screaming, Polly following]
Sybil Fawlty: [charmingly to Mr. Carnegie] He's from Barcelona.

[Last lines: as Manuel drags the fainted Basil across the room in the background]
Sybil Fawlty: I'm afraid it's started to rain again.

Sybil Fawlty: I cannot abide cruelty to living creatures.
Basil Fawlty: Well I'm a creature, you can abide it to me!
Sybil Fawlty: You're not living.

Sybil Fawlty: They all said, at one time or another, how on Earth did the two of us ever get together. "Black magic," my mother says.
Basil Fawlty: Well, she'd know, wouldn't she? Her and that cat.

"Fawlty Towers: Gourmet Night (#1.5)" (1975)
Basil Fawlty: [Frantically typing at a typewriter] He's out! He's flat out! So André's, uh...
Sybil Fawlty: Who is?
Basil Fawlty: What!
Sybil Fawlty: Who ls out?
Basil Fawlty: Kurt! Who do you think, Henry Kissinger?
Sybil Fawlty: What do you mean 'Out'?
Basil Fawlty: He's *Drunk*!
Sybil Fawlty: Drunk?
Basil Fawlty: Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?
Sybil Fawlty: I don't believe it.
Basil Fawlty: [Still typing frantically] Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream.
[Smacks his head three times on desk]
Basil Fawlty: No, it's not a dream; we're stuck with it. Right!

Sybil Fawlty: Are you still here, Basil?
Basil Fawlty: No, I went a couple minutes ago, dear, but I expect I'll be back shortly.

Sybil Fawlty: Are you going to do the car?
Basil Fawlty: In a moment, my little piranha fish.

Sybil Fawlty: [a party of four cancels its dinner reservation] One of them's ill
Basil Fawlty: Well, let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Sybil Fawlty: [with only four people attending the grand opening of Gourmet Night] I should never have let you write that advert. Fancy putting "no riff-raff."

Sybil Fawlty: Can I help?
Basil Fawlty: Yes. Go and kill yourself!

"Fawlty Towers: Communication Problems (#2.1)" (1979)
Major Gowen: Going to have a flutter, Fawlty?
Basil Fawlty: No. No, no, no, no, no.
Sybil Fawlty: No, Basil doesn't bet anymore. Do you, dear?
Basil Fawlty: No, I don't, dear, no. No, that particular avenue of pleasure has been closed off.
Sybil Fawlty: And we don't want it opened up again, do we Basil?
Basil Fawlty: No, YOU don't, dear.

Sybil Fawlty: If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what I'll do, Basil.
Basil Fawlty: You'll have to sew 'em back on first.

Sybil Fawlty: You seem very jolly, Basil.
Basil Fawlty: Hm?
Sybil Fawlty: You seem very jolly.
Basil Fawlty: Jolly?
Sybil Fawlty: Yes, jolly. Sort of happy.
Basil Fawlty: [with feigned reminiscence] Oh, happy. Yes, I remember that. No, not that I noticed, dear. Well, I'll report it if it happens, though.
Sybil Fawlty: Well, you look happy to me, Basil.
Basil Fawlty: No, I'm not, dear.
Sybil Fawlty: All that dancing about, singing and rubbing your hands.
Basil Fawlty: No, just my way of getting through the day, dear. The, uh, Samaritans were engaged.

[Basil is mouthing words to Mrs. Richards, so she is forced to turn up her hearing aid as high as it will go]
Sybil Fawlty: [quietly] Basil, don't! Don't!
[Basil is still mouthing words]
Mrs. Richards: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I haven't got it turned up enough.
Sybil Fawlty: [shouting] Basil!
Basil Fawlty: [at full volume now, right into Mrs. Richards' face] I SAID... WE SHOULD GO...!
Mrs. Richards: [jumps back with a shock, hitting her head on the shelf] Oh! Oh, my head! My head!
Basil Fawlty: Has it come away?
Mrs. Richards: Oh!
Sybil Fawlty: [to Mrs. Richards as she elbows Basil] Did you bang your head?
Mrs. Richards: Yes, yes!
Sybil Fawlty: Oh dear, let me have a look.
Basil Fawlty: You'd better go and lie down before something ELSE happens.
Sybil Fawlty: Shut up, Basil!
Mrs. Richards: Why don't you call the police?
Sybil Fawlty: Well, we will, the moment we've searched the rooms.
Mrs. Richards: [as she exits] My money's been taken!
Sybil Fawlty: Yes, yes, I know. Try not to speak.
Basil Fawlty: [picking up a particle] Is this a piece of your brain?
Sybil Fawlty: [kicks Basil in the shin; he sinks into chair] Shut up, Basil.
Mrs. Richards: Eighty-five pounds.
Sybil Fawlty: [to Mrs. Richards] Take my arm.
Mrs. Richards: I don't need your arm, thank you. I can get down the stairs perfectly all right by myself.
Basil Fawlty: "Down" the stairs? Oh, well, don't stop when you get to the basement. Keep straight on... give my regards to the earth's core!

Sybil Fawlty: [calling to Mrs. Richards as she to her room after being injured] Are you sure you can manage?
Basil Fawlty: And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress.
Sybil Fawlty: Basil!
Basil Fawlty: Well, that was fun, wasn't it dear, the odd moment like that? It's almost worth staying alive for, isn't it? It's nice to share a moment like that, isn't it, dear? It's what marriage is all about. I know - I read it on the back of a matchbox.
Sybil Fawlty: [annoyed] Basil, sometimes...
Basil Fawlty: [putting an arm around Sybil] Seriously, Sybil, do you remember, when we were first manacled together, we used to laugh quite a lot?
Sybil Fawlty: [she pushes him off and exits] Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.
Basil Fawlty: [to himself] Ah, that's true. That was a warning all right, I guess? Should have spotted that, shouldn't I? Zhoom! What was that? That was your life, Mate! Oh, that was quick. Do I get another? Sorry, Mate. That's your lot.
Sybil Fawlty: [returning] Basil.
Basil Fawlty: [to himself] Back to the world of dreams.
Basil Fawlty: [to Sybil] Yes, dear?

"Fawlty Towers: The Germans (#1.6)" (1975)
[Basil in hospital, having suffered a concussion, regain consciousness]
Basil Fawlty: [to nurse, a little groggily] My God, you're ugly, aren't you?
Sybil Fawlty: Basil?
Sister: I'll... I'll get the doctor.
Basil Fawlty: You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

[Sybil asks Basil to get her blue bed-jacket from the drawers. He picks up a pink top]
Basil Fawlty: This one?
Sybil Fawlty: That's not blue.
Basil Fawlty: Well, it's got blue things on it.
Sybil Fawlty: They're flowers, and I didn't ask for the one with the flowers, did I?
Basil Fawlty: No, you didn't, quite right. No, I only picked that one up to annoy you, actually.

Sybil Fawlty: And DO try and find time to get the moose's head up.
Basil Fawlty: Ohh...
Sybil Fawlty: It's been sitting there for two weeks, Basil.
Basil Fawlty: Yes, yes, yes.
Sybil Fawlty: I don't know why you bought it.
Basil Fawlty: It will lend the lobby a certain ambiance, Sybil. It has a touch of style about it.
Sybil Fawlty: It's got a touch of mange about it.
Basil Fawlty: That is not so.
Sybil Fawlty: It's got things living in it, Basil. It's nasty.
Basil Fawlty: It is not nasty. It is superb.
Sybil Fawlty: I'm not going to argue with you, Basil, just get it up out of the way. I don't want to snag any more cardis on it.

Sybil Fawlty: I am actually about to undergo an operation, Basil.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, yes. How is the old toenail? Still growing in, hmm? Still burrowing its way down to the bone? Still macheteing its way through the nerve, aye? Nasty old nail!

"Fawlty Towers: The Builders (#1.2)" (1975)
Sybil Fawlty: [exasperated] O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottom of ponds! I've seen better organized creatures than you running 'round farmyards with their heads cut off! Now collect your things and GET OUT!
[Strikes O'Riley on his rear with her umbrella, prompting him into crawling away from her]
Sybil Fawlty: I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

Sybil Fawlty: Good morning, Major.
Major Gowen: Very well, thank you.

Sybil Fawlty: And you're going to wear that jacket, are you?
Basil Fawlty: Yes, I am, thank you, dear, yes.
Sybil Fawlty: You just haven't a clue, have you?
Basil Fawlty: You wouldn't understand, dear. It's called style.

Sybil Fawlty: [Noticing her garden gnome on the front desk] Oh, Basil?
Basil Fawlty: Yes, dear?
Sybil Fawlty: What is THAT doing here?
Basil Fawlty: It's your garden gnome, dear. Isn't it nice?
Sybil Fawlty: Well, don't you think it would be better in the garden?
Basil Fawlty: Yes, dear. Good idea.
Sybil Fawlty: Oh, no-no-no, Basil. Put him back. On second thought I think I'll leave him in charge. I'm sure he's cheap and he'll certainly be better at it than you are.

"Fawlty Towers: Waldorf Salad (#2.3)" (1979)
Mrs. Hamilton: How long have you been married, Mrs. Fawlty?
Sybil Fawlty: Oh, since 1485.

Basil Fawlty: Walnuts! That's a laugh! Easier to find a packet of sliced hippopotamus in suitcase sauce than a walnut in this bloody kitchen!
Sybil Fawlty: Now, we've got apples...
Basil Fawlty: [hysterical] Oh! Terrific! We'll celebrate! We'll have an apple party! Everyone cores his own apple and stuffs them down somebody's throat!

Basil Fawlty: Well, goodbye, dear. It's been an interesting fifteen years, but all good things must come to an end. I hope you enjoy your new work here: helping to run a hotel. Goodbye, Major. Goodbye, ladies. Give my regards to Polly and Manuel. Bye, dear.
Sybil Fawlty: You've forgotten your keys, Basil.
Basil Fawlty: Sorry. Force of habit, I guess. Well, goodbye to the rest of you. I hope you enjoy your stay here. Don't forget: any complaints, just call my wife. Any hour of the day or night, just shout. Bye!

"Fawlty Towers: The Wedding Party (#1.3)" (1975)
Basil Fawlty: How's Audrey?
Sybil Fawlty: She's in a terrible state.
Basil Fawlty: [absently] Ah, good, good.

Basil Fawlty: [thinking it's another woman knocking at his locked bedroom door] Go away. My wife will hear us.
Sybil Fawlty: [on the other side] This IS your wife.

Basil Fawlty: I fought in the Korean War, you know. I killed four men!
Sybil Fawlty: [to guests] He was in the catering corps. He poisoned them.

"Fawlty Towers: The Hotel Inspectors (#1.4)" (1975)
Basil Fawlty: I mean, where are the pens? I mean, what... Would you believe it! I mean, there are no pens here. I mean, this is supposed to be a hotel.
[sybil shakes a box]
Basil Fawlty: Well, what are they doing in there?
Sybil Fawlty: I put them there.
Basil Fawlty: Why?
Sybil Fawlty: Just sign there, Mr. Walt. Because you're always losing them, Basil.
Basil Fawlty: I am NOT always losing them. People TAKE them.
Sybil Fawlty: Well, they don't take them from me.
Basil Fawlty: They wouldn't dare. Well, I'm sorry I didn't guess that you'd suddenly done that after twelve years, dear. I'm afraid my psychic powers must be a little bit below par this morning. There we are.
Sybil Fawlty: Don't be silly, Basil. It's written there quite clearly on the top of the box.
Basil Fawlty: Pens? It looks more like "Bens" to me.
Sybil Fawlty: Well, WHEN Ben comes, you can give it to him.

Sybil Fawlty: Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Hmm? Not enough cream in your eclair? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

Basil Fawlty: I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got a smidgen of cooperation from you.
Sybil Fawlty: Cooperation? That's a laugh. The day you cooperate you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

"Fawlty Towers: The Kipper and the Corpse (#2.4)" (1979)
Dr. Price: I don't understand. He's been dead for about ten hours.
Basil Fawlty: Yes, it's so final, isn't it?
Sybil Fawlty: Basil!
Basil Fawlty: Well, wouldn't you say it was final, dear? I'd say it was pretty bloody final.
Dr. Price: Do you mean to tell me you didn't realize this man was dead?
Basil Fawlty: You know, people don't talk that much in the morning... Oh, look, I'm just delivering a tray, right? If the guest isn't singing "Oh What A Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think, "Oh there's another snuffed it in the night, another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma Railway.
Sybil Fawlty: Basil.
Basil Fawlty: Well, I mean, it does actually say "Hotel" outside. You know, perhaps I should be more specific: "Hotel for people who have a better than fifty percent chance of making it through the night."

Basil Fawlty: Are you listening to me? Hello, can... Hello, can anybody hear me? Have I ceased to exist? Have I suddenly become invisible? Sybil, Sybil, Sybil, can you see me?
Sybil Fawlty: No.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, good. Well, I'll go and lie down then. No, I won't; I'll go and hit some guests.

Sybil Fawlty: [finding Mr. Leeman's corpse seated in the office chair] Well, what'd you put him THERE for?
Basil Fawlty: Well, he wouldn't fit in the safe and all the drawers were full.

"Fawlty Towers: The Anniversary (#2.5)" (1979)
Sybil Fawlty: You don't have to worry about Polly forgetting anything important, Basil.
Basil Fawlty: Don't I?
Sybil Fawlty: No, you don't.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, good. How splendid.
Sybil Fawlty: No, SHE doesn't forget things.
Basil Fawlty: Doesn't she?
Sybil Fawlty: Well, can you remember the last time she did?
Basil Fawlty: No, I can't, but then my memory isn't very good.
Sybil Fawlty: You can say that again.
Basil Fawlty: Can I, dear? Oh, thank you.
Basil Fawlty: [clears throat] I've forgotten what it was.

"Fawlty Towers: A Touch of Class (#1.1)" (1975)
[Basil has been listening to classical music in the office instead of typing the lunch menu or hanging a picture in the lobby]
Sybil Fawlty: You could've had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there, listening to that racket.
Basil Fawlty: "Racket?" That's *Brahms*! Brahms's third racket!