Ralph Wiley
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Quotes for
Ralph Wiley (Character)
from Reefer Madness (1936)

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Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical (2005) (TV)
Mary Lane: Say, is this a fraternity sweater? Is Jimmy hanging out with college boys?
Ralph Wiley: Why, yes, yes, he is. We at Phi Beta Cannabis were so taken with Jimmy, we decided to pledge him... early... while he's still in high school... to avoid the rush.
Mary Lane: Well, that's the bee's knees! Wait 'til that Suzy Mayberry hears about this!
Ralph Wiley: Let's celebrate... with a smoke!
Mary Lane: Hold on! This isn't that reefer I've read about, is it?
Ralph Wiley: Oh, no, of course not. This is a special cigarette. All the rage with the college girls... in Paris.
Mary Lane: Paris?
Ralph Wiley: Oh, yes.
Mary Lane: Well, if I'm going to be dating a fraternity man...
[Ralph shoves a reefer stick in her mouth]

[Ralph, hallucinating, opens a closet door and sees Satan sodomizing Mary]
Mary Lane: Remember me, Ralph? I've been sent to hell! A pubescent edition of Jezebel. It hurts a lot to bend! But, at least, I've made a friend.
Ralph Wiley: Shut up!
Satan: You murdered her, Ralph!
Mary Lane: Murdered me!
Ralph Wiley: Murdered you!
Jimmy: Murdered me!
Ralph Wiley: Murdered them!
Jack Stone: [to Mae] What's eating him?
Ralph Wiley: Jack! I saw Satan! And the kid. And Satan! And the girl. And *Satan*!

Mary Lane: [singing after smoking a joint] I feel a little naughty.
Ralph Wiley: Baby I'll help you relax!
[giggles]
Mary Lane: I'll tie you up with phone cord. We'll play with whips and nipple clips and candle wax!
Ralph Wiley: Now hold on, Mary Sunshine. Let's not get carried away!
Mary Lane: Just call me Mary Juana and Mary's got some scary little games to play! I'll lather you up...
Ralph Wiley: Who, me?
Mary Lane: And give you a shave...
Ralph Wiley: *Shave*?
Mary Lane: I'll paddle you while straddling my little slave!
Ralph Wiley: Hey, now!
Mary Lane: Down on your knees! It's pointless to fight! Save your strength, it's gonna be a lengthy night!
Ralph Wiley: Help! This crazy tomato's raping me!

Ralph Wiley: [shouting at the radio's report of Jimmy being executed] Shut up!
Mae Coleman: We can't just let Jimmy die.
Ralph Wiley: Shut up! Shut up!
Sally DeBains: Look, the kid's yesterday's headlines, and there's nothing we can do about it. When's Jack bringing some more boys home?
Ralph Wiley: [overturning the table] Shut up! Shut up!
Sally DeBains: You shut up! What're you? Nuts?
Ralph Wiley: [crazy look] I'm... *fine* Perfectly... in... control.

Mary Lane, Ralph Wiley: [Mary has just taken her first hit] Goodbye Mary Sunshine! Reefer has blown out her mind! She's now a hot-head hussy!
Mary Lane: Don't you run! I'm not done! Can't you tell we've just begun? What's your rush? You're not having fun?
Ralph Wiley: No, I'm really not!
Mary Lane, Ralph Wiley: Mary, Mary Sunshine! Burned for, yearned for dirty life!
[Mary stuffs Ralph's mouth with an apple and straddles him]
Ralph Wiley: Mmmph?
Mary Lane: Shut up, bitch!

Jimmy Harper: [after eating a hashish brownie] This brownie is yummy! / It's the greatest brownie known to man! / It's chewy, it's nutty, this brownie's really good! / Don't offer me a macaroon. / My brownie suits me fine! / There's frosting on the top, and best of all it's mine!
Sally DeBains, Jack Stone, Ralph Wiley, Mae Coleman: Eat the brownie! Eat the brownie! Eat the brownie! Eat the brownie!
Jack Stone: Let's go home!
Jimmy Harper: Okay. / I shimmer electric! / I'm a one-man marching brownie band. / I love it! My brownie! / And my brownie loves me, too! / It's smooth, it's sweet, it's chocolaty. / It forms a perfect square. / And the bestest part of all, is I don't have to share.
Sally DeBains, Jack Stone, Ralph Wiley, Mae Coleman: He doesn't have to share!
Jimmy Harper: And the bestest part of all is I don't have to share!
Ralph Wiley: Eat the brownie!
Sally DeBains: Eat the brownie!
Jack Stone: Eat the brownie!
Mae Coleman: Eat the brownie!
Sally DeBains, Jack Stone, Ralph Wiley, Jimmy Harper, Mae Coleman: Yeah!

Zombies: [singing] Open the gate and abandon hope! / We're the ghosts of the kids that got hooked on dope!
Ralph Wiley: Way down where it's hot / They are saving us a spot!
Zombies: You murdered us, Ralph! / Murdered 'em! Murdered 'em! Murdered 'em! Murdered 'em!
Ralph Wiley: Bad zombies! Shoo! Go away!
[runs inside and backs his imaginary pursuers off with a garden hoe]
Sally DeBains: He's losin' it, Jack!
Jack Stone: Gee, you don't suppose?
Mae Coleman: He's liable to crack and spill all he knows!
Sally DeBains, Mae Coleman: He's really acting weird!
Jack Stone: Perhaps it's time he disappeared / He'd never be missed / I could murder him! Murder him! Murder him! Murder him!

Mae Coleman: Ralph? Sally? We're back! We got take-away from Dim Foo's. Sally? Ralph?
[Mae screams as Sally's disembodied head rolls down the stairs]
Ralph Wiley: [jumps down the stairs nibbling on Sally's arm. He picks up Sally's head and sings] I found me a snack, it was nice and fresh!
Lecturer, Zombies: The weed made him hungry for human flesh!
Jack Stone: Step away you mug! / 'Cause that's a brand new Persian rug!
[Ralph mockingly runs the bloody end of Sally's head on said rug]
Mae Coleman: He's not gonna stop!
Mae Coleman, Jack Stone: Murder him! Murder him! Murder him! Murder him!

Sally DeBains: [chant] Come on, Jimmy, Come on, Jimmy, suck it down for Sally/Come on, Jimmy, come on, Jimmy, suck it down for Sally!
Jimmy: Umm... no thanks... I don't think I ought to
Sally DeBains: [chant] Come on, Jimmy, Come on, Jimmy, suck it down for Sally/Come on, Jimmy, come on, Jimmy, suck it down for Sally!
Jimmy: Um... I have to go now... thanks for having me...
Jack Stone: [chant on top of Sally] Take a toke of T-stick, Take a toke of T-stick/Take a toke of T-stick, take a toke of T-stick
Mae Coleman: [chant on top of the others] Smoke it, you make choke at first, but then the worst is over/Smoke it, you may choke at first, but then the worst is over!
Ralph Wiley: [chant on top of the others] Don't be a chicken!/Don't be a chicken!
Lecturer, Parents: [repeated on top of others] Don't, Jimmy! Don't do it! Don't be a fool!/Don't, Jimmy! Don't do it! Don't be a fool!
Sally DeBains, Jack Stone, Mae Coleman, Ralph Wiley, Lecturer, Parents: [All chants repeated several times until Jimmy takes a hit]
Lecturer, Parents: *NO*!

Jimmy: Someone save me/There's no place to hide/From this salacious/Magic carpet ride!
Sally DeBains, Jack Stone, Mae Coleman, Ralph Wiley: Open up your mind!/Let your body soar!/Arms and legs entwined/Cry: More! More More!
Jack Stone, Ralph Wiley: If a year goes by, it might seem a day
Sally DeBains, Mae Coleman: If a day goes by, it could take a year

Ralph Wiley: [after biting Sally's arm] Jack, I got me the munchies REAL BAD!

[Feeling guilty, Ralph starts hallucinating]
Jimmy: Remember me, Ralph? I'm about to fry.
Ralph Wiley: Shut up!
Jimmy: While you and your friends stand idly by. My life is now a ticking bomb.
Ralph Wiley: Shut up!
Jimmy: Gonna miss my senior prom!
Ralph Wiley: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Jimmy: You murdered me, Ralph!
Ralph Wiley: Shut up!
Jimmy: Murdered me!
Ralph Wiley: Murdered you!
Jimmy: Murdered me!
Ralph Wiley: Murdered him!


Reefer Madness (1936)
Blanche: Oh, snap out if it, will ya? It's not our fault. Why did I ever bring him up there anyway? He's just a kid. They can't hang him.
Ralph: Shut up. SHUT UP!

[after realizing the box is empty]
Ralph: Mae? MAE!
[Mae enters]
Mae: What do you want?
Ralph: Bring me some reefers!

Ralph: I know what you want. You want to kill ME!
Jack: You're crazy. Take it easy, kid. I just wanta talk ta ya.
[Ralph then brutally assaults Jack]