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: You remember I told you about a man who was protecting Tess? Kyle
: Yeah. Noriega. Valenti
: Nasedo. Kyle
: Kind of uptight about nudity, aren't you, for a guy who reads Jugs? Kyle
: Give me that. Tess
: Oh... the post-its? Nice touch.
: My strength fails. My vitality exhausted. I cannot find the bull. I only hear the locusts chirring through the night.
: You okay? Kyle
: Yeah. I just... I'm just not looking forward to dealing with all the little green men again. Jim
: Well, listen, maybe you should... maybe you should cut 'em a little slack, Kyle. I mean, after all, Max Evans did save your life. Kyle
: Damn human of him. Of course, he is the reason I got shot in the first place, but what the hell. No conditions are permanent. No conditions are reliable. Nothing is self.
: You know my... my father does consider this to be a very temporary arrangement. You understand that? Tess
: Sure. Kyle
: All right. So in that case, I just wanted to tell you that I moved all my crap out of the room. You can have it. I'll sleep on the couch or something. Tess
: You didn't have to. Kyle
: It's not a big deal. Uh, material possessions only clutter the mind anyway. Tess
: You tell 'em, Buddha-boy.
: Morning. Kyle
: Yes, morning. What the hell are you doing here? Tess
: I live here. Calvin Klein? I approve.
: No, I don't want to tell Max. Not yet. Kyle
: But he's the one that healed us. He needs to know. Liz
: I'm scared to tell him. Kyle
: Why? You go to him for everything. Liz
: No, he risked so much when he healed me. It's what made me fall in love with him. Kyle
: Yeah, me too. Liz
: Kyle! Kyle
: Look, what's going on here is really scary. If I don't lighten the mood I might loose it.
: Let the record show, I think this is a bad idea. Liz
: [Watching his dad and Maria sing a duet
] Gotta wash my eyes.
: How are you doing? Kyle
: Oh I've got no symptoms yet. You know Max healed me a year after he healed you so maybe I've got this totally cool window of time where I just get to obsess about it. Liz
: Lucky you.
: You okay? Kyle
: Oh yeah, yeah. It's nothing. Anyway, I just, I don't usually talk about this but uh, my mom left when I was six, and with you being here it's, uh felt like family again. That's all, I don't want to get all weepy or anything. Tess
: Kyle... Kyle I feel the same way.
[Michael leaves the Granolith Chamber and finds Liz, Maria and Kyle outside the door
: Liz! Maria
: [to Michael
] Tess killed Alex! Micheal
: What? Maria
, Liz Parker
: [Michael, Liz, Maria, and Kyle rush into the Granolith Chamber
] Liz Parker
: Max stop! It was Tess. Tess killed Alex. She mindwarped Alex and sent him to Las Cruces to decode the book, but he broke out of the mindwarp and she killed him. Kyle
: It's true, I was there, I witnessed it. Max
: Why didn't you ever say anything? Kyle
: Because she mindwarped me! Kyle
: [to Tess
] You lived in my home, you were like my sister! Max
: [looking at Tess but to Micheal
] How long? Micheal
: About 3 minutes. Max
: Everyone out. Micheal
: Max... Max
[everyone else leaves besides Tess and Max
: I carried his body. She made me think it was luggage. She killed him. Tess killed Alex.
: No, there's no way I've been mindwarped. I'd remember it. Maria
: Uh, Kyle? That's the point of being mindwarped, so you don't remember it.
: Look I got a college girls phone number, I'm way ahead of the game. And you got to know when to hold them, and... Isabel
: When to fold them. Kyle
: And when to walk away. Both
] And know when to run.
: Ok, but I'm warning you, I'm a man on a mission. Sex or death so don't get in my way and don't cramp my style. Isabel Amanda Evans
: You have style? Kyle Valenti
: [Talking to the Buddha statue
] Thank you. Now that my immortal soul has been cleansed on to more terrestrial concerns. It's been a dry couple years. Kyle needs a woman. Kyle needs her badly. Kyle needs her tonight.
[Hears a knocking on the door
: Well, thank you. But if that's a Jehovah's Witness, I'm coming back here.
[In the episode Viva Las Vegas
: These are your aliases. You will use these aliases for the duration of our trip. Sound off. Kyle
: Harvey Wallbanger Tess
: PiÒa Colada Alex
: Tom Collins Isabel
: Brandy Alexander Maria
: Margarita Salt Liz
: Shirley Temple Max
: Rob Roy Michael
: And I'm your host Dr. Love
: Actually Buddha himself first coined the phrase "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run" Alex
: And yours is obviously a deep and abiding spiritual faith.
Sheriff Jim Valenti
: Each one of your parents is going to hear from me later today. I expect you back in Roswell this afternoon. Kyle get in the car. Kyle
: I was up sixteen hundred. Sheriff Jim Valenti
: Now. Michael
: Glad I'm an orphan. Tess
: Yeah me too. Sheriff Jim Valenti
: Tess, don't make me come back in there.
: [to Tess
] You know, of all the aliens I've met, you're the only one who has no soul.
: [Liz walks out just as Kyle is coming in
] Gee, Liz. Is everything okay?
[Liz just blows on past him
] Kyle Valenti
: ... 'guess not... Tess Harding
: Kyle! Thank God you're here! Kyle Valenti
: [comes into the room, but paces back and forth in front of Tess, frowning
] Don't come near me. Tess Harding
: [obviously sad
] Kyle, at least give me a chance to explain! Kyle Valenti
: [to Michael
] Why haven't you killed her yet? Michael Guerin
: Max wouldn't let me. Max Evans
: [Max comes up and takes the baby away from Tess
] Come on, Zan, - I don't want you to see this... Tess Harding
: Be careful with him, Max. Kyle Valenti
: So, what are you doing here? Tess Harding
: Ask one of them, I'm sick of explaining. Kyle Valenti
: Okay, why don't you explain what the hell you were doing at our house earlier. Tess Harding
: I thought you'd help me. Kyle Valenti
: Then why'd you run away in such a hurry? Tess Harding
: I was protecting my son. Kyle Valenti
: He wasn't in danger! Tess Harding
: Your father had a gun! Instincts took over! You're lucky I didn't kill you! Kyle Valenti
: [laughs ironically
] Oh... I guess I owe you one. Oh, actually... No. Tess Harding
: [Still sad
] Kyle... Kyle Valenti
: We took you into our home, Tess. We protected you. And how did you repay us? You brainwashed me into carrying Alex's dead body! Tess Harding
: I never meant to hurt... Kyle Valenti
: Well, too late! Tess Harding
: You've never even heard my side of the story. Kyle Valenti
: You have a side? The murderer has a side! Tess Harding
: I was raised by a killer, Kyle... a sick and twisted man...! Kyle Valenti
: Don't play the victim here, Tess. You know, of all the aliens I've met... you're the only one who has no soul.
[He walks away from her, leaving her stung and frowning
: [about Tess
] She has the baby? Are you kidding me? My brain's exploding.
: You look really great when you're pissed. Tess
: Yeah, right. Kyle
: No, I'm serious. I feel, like, all this energy coming from you right now. In order to trim the lamp of wisdom, we must attend to our bodily needs. Tess
: Let me tell you something, Buddha-boy... I got a lamp that needs some serious trimming.
: Hi. Kyle
: Well, you here for a reason, or you just rushed right over 'cause you sensed I might be experiencing some actual joy?
: What have you been doing? Kyle
: It's called working for the man. Liz
: In a sewer? Kyle
Sheriff Jim Valenti
: I hear I missed quite a ceremony. Kyle
: I don't think they're gonna forget the class of 2002.
] Hey, I'm just happy to be nominated... and I think I'm gonna puke.
: [Max and Kyle are drunk
] We're gonna win her back. Kyle
: We are? Max
: We're gonna show her how we feel about her, and she's gonna forget all about Mr. Shallow and come back to us. Kyle
: Shellow. Max
: Come on. Kyle
: Well, how do we split her up, exactly? Every other week? Mondays? Wednesdays? Fridays? Alternate Saturdays?
: He killed you? Micheal
: Yeah. Max
: We don't remember a lot. In our other life Khivar was our enemy. He was trying to take over my throne. Isabel fell in love with him, and helped him overtake us. It was a blood bath; we were all killed, including Isabel. Our genetic material was mixed with human DNA, and then we were sent here. Kyle
: Nothing is ever simple with you people, is it?
: Isabel, I'm all for denial as a way of life but you can't just run away from this one. Isabel Amanda Evans
: Yes I can.
: It's ok, you know? You have the right to protect your family. Kyle
: You're part of the family I was trying to protect. As far as I can see, you're the only good thing about having an alien in my life. Tess
: Kyle? Kyle
: What? Tess
: You're definitely my favorite human. Kyle
: Yeah, well... you're my favorite Martian.
: What do you suppose alien crystals are going for on eBay?
: Some pal Judge Lewis turned out to be. Valenti
: He doesn't know what we know. Kyle
: I know, but it pisses me off that we can't tell him the truth. Valenti
: Well, as you kids say, it sucks big.
: So how does electricity work? Kyle
: Why are you lookin' at me? We were both in the same remedial science class for 3 years.
: [about Michael
] So he wants to take me out for my birthday next week and I don't know. Kyle Valenti
: What's the harm? Isabel Amanda Evans
: Well, the harm is that a birthday dinner by definition is sentimental. Maria DeLuca
: And sentimental leads to a goodnight kiss. Isabel Amanda Evans
: And a goodnight kiss leads to sex. Kyle Valenti
: I should write that down.
: [Isabel is inside Kyle's dream
] Remember, young blossom, the most important words... Kyle Valenti
: Yes, Master. Buddha
: "To thine own self, be true." Isabel
: It's Shakespeare. Buddha
: With every inhale, find the center of yourself. With every exhale, release the tides that binds your energy.
[Kyle inhales and exhales in the Lotus position. Isabel snorts
: Inhale! Exhale! Inhale! Exhale!
[Kyle does so. A ringtone appears
: Excuse me...
[picks out a cellphone from his pocket
: Buddha here. Yeah... When?
: Prepare the ship. Standby to beam us aboard. Kyle Valenti
: Master? Buddha
: Our enemies has arrived, Kyle. We must leave Earth and face the dark legion. Kyle Valenti
: No, no, no, no. I'm here for inner peace, not that science fiction crap. Buddha
: Max Evans changed you when he saved your life. You know that. You're an alien now, Kyle. Dude, like, accept your destiny.
: That's it? Tell him what we found out. Kyle
: No. Liz
: Kyle, your grandfather was right. You have to tell your father. Kyle
: I don't think so. Liz
: Kyle, your family is a damn nightmare. Somebody has to break the cycle of silence. Kyle
: Yeah, someone should. Liz
: Yeah, someone should. Kyle
: Me? Why me? Why should I break the silence? Liz
: Who cares who breaks it? Just do it! Kyle
: Let me think about it. Liz
: No! Just do it. Mr. Valenti? Mr Valenti, could you come in here, please? Kyle
: Liz, you have no right to intrude on my dysfunctional... Hey, Dad. Liz
: Hi, Mr. Valenti. Kyle here has something he'd like to talk to you about. Valenti
: Oh, yeah? What's that? Liz
: I have to go. Have a really nice talk.
[Max heals Kyle
: What the hell just happened to me? Valenti
: [to Max
] I don't care who you are, or what you are. I'll be here for you.
: They can't. They can't just fire a Sheriff. Kyle
: They can if they're the city council. In the past year, my dad and I have been put through an amazing amount of your crap. You and your Martian friends move in, take over, and obliterate any shred of normalcy. Our lives are no longer ours. Promise me you're gonna stay away from my family. Promise me this is the last time we have to put ourselves on the line for you. Max
: I can't.
: No. No. Max and Michael would never agree to letting anybody else in on the secret. I guess the truth of the matter is I sort of love Jesse not knowing. It's like we're this normal couple. Kyle
: Nothing's ever easy, is it? Isabel
: Nope. But, hey, I'm actually glad that you found out. It's kind of nice to talk about it. Kyle
: No Problem.
: And Kyle... if you tell anybody, I'll be forced to use my formidable alien powers on you. Kyle
: Cool. Cool. My day's never truly complete until my life's been threatened by an alien, so...