Lt. Randall Disher
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Lt. Randall Disher (Character)
from "Monk" (2002)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Monk: Mr. Monk Is the Best Man (#8.13)" (2009)
[over a burned corpse found in the park]
Lt. Randall Disher: You all right?
Rookie Cop: [dry-heaving] Yes, sir. I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I've never seen anything like it. Think they killed him first?
Lt. Randall Disher: God, I hope so. Peters, any I.D. at all? Fingerprints, anything?
Forensic Tech: [grimacing] You need fingers for fingerprints.

[Stottlemeyer arrives at the crime scene]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [singing] Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak.
[to patrol officer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How you doin'?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And I finally found the happiness I seek...
[to another patrol officer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, there, Kevin, you look good! You losing weight? Good deal.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When we're up together, dancing cheek to cheek...
[to Disher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: hey, I smell ribs!
Lt. Randall Disher: [grimacing] It is ribs.

Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, here's your paycheck, and your expenses.
Natalie Teeger: All right. Who says crime doesn't pay?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoever this guy is, he's ruining my life.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, that's supposed to be my job.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly.

Joy: And you are... a sweet little crocus - just a bud.
Lt. Randall Disher: Huh. I've always felt like a crocus! Yeah, I'm not kidding!

Lt. Randall Disher: Peters, any ID at all? Fingerprints, anything?
Forensic Tech: You need fingers for fingerprints.

Lt. Randall Disher: [practicing his song that he will sing at Leland and T.K.'s wedding] "Cupid was a gun for hire. Took aim at Leland Stottlemeyer. Who's love was wallowed in the mire. We love you, TK Stottlemeyer! Mr. and Mrs. Stottlemeyerrr..."
Natalie Teeger: Sounds a little bit like "Light My Fire."
Lt. Randall Disher: What part?
Natalie Teeger: The words. And the music.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, we have a victim found in Colin Park. He was shot once and then burned.
Adrian Monk: I read the file, so where are we?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still unidentified. Randy, what do we know about him?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, we know he was... flammable. That's pretty much it.

Lt. Randall Disher: I'll send this down to the lab.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're in the lab.
Lt. Randall Disher: Then I'll just put it right there.

Lt. Randall Disher: [walking in on Stottlemeyer, whose office floor is messy with lots of case files] So who's on your short list?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, or both.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.

Adrian Monk: You're not going to even ask him?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it's crazy, don't mention it again.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, how you guys doing?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk wants to walk TK's father down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: We're the exact same height. I mean, how often does that happen?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm sure he'd like to walk his daughter down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: Well, she can walk behind us. Just ask him. I'm talking about the exact same height. Think how cool that would look.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger (#1.12)" (2002)
[Disher takes off in pursuit of a streaker]
Lt. Randall Disher: We have a suspect, male Caucasian.
Officer: What's he wearing?
Lt. Randall Disher: Grey sneakers!
Officer: Any other details?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's not Jewish!

[Stottlemeyer comes to the recording studio to arrest Willie Nelson for murder]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Willie Nelson?
Jody - Band Member #1: I'm Willie Nelson.
Bee - Band Member #2: I'm Willie Nelson.
Mickey - Band Member #3: I'm Willie Nelson.
Willie Nelson: Don't think they're goin' for it, boys.
Lt. Randall Disher: Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.

Lt. Randall Disher: So, what's the plan?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reasonably sure.
[turns to Mrs. Mass]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?
Wendy Maas: No, I like classical.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. Good. Bring him in.

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Close the door.
[Randy closes the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene.
[Randy presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there.
[Monk pretends playing the clarinet]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you doing?
[Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really?
Sharona Fleming: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead.
[Randy presses play on the tape. We see Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway on the tape]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley.
[Sonny Cross passes by the camera]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fast-forward. And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross.
[Willie Nelson comes running into the alleyway on the tape]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna arrest him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow.
[turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Adrian Monk: Captain, what about the note on the door?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Lt. Randall Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B", Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think it's "C".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "C"? What the hell is "C"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know yet.

Police spokesman: As you know, Willie Hugh Nelson was arrested at 10:15 last night. He will be indicted in Judge Hackman's courtroom tomorrow. Captain Stottlemeyer was the arresting officer and will be happy to answer any of your questions. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Jeff. First of all, I would like to thank the members of my department who have been investigating this case. They've done an outstanding job.
Reporter #1: Captain, how strong is your case against Willie Nelson? We would not have authorized this arrest unless we were certain that we have all the facts for the district attorney to successfully prosecute this case.
[the same streaker from before runs by]
Reporter #1: Oh! Get a shot of that.
Streaker: Hey, hi!
[Stottlemeyer turns and whispers to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the love of-I want him. Go, go! Get him!
[Randy and the other cops take off after the streaker. Stottlemeyer turns back to the cameras and fakes a laugh]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: San Francisco. You gotta love it.
[the streaker keeps on running, with the police hot on his trail]
Lt. Randall Disher: We're on foot, heading south towards Prospect.
Police Dispatcher: Is there a description?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's wearing gray sneakers.
Police Dispatcher: Is there anything else?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's not Jewish!
Streaker: Come on!
[He passes a homeless man]
Streaker: Excuse me. Oh, yeah. Good boys.
[a police car blocks the streaker's way]
Uniform Cop #1: All right, hold it right there! Stop! Stop! Stay where you are. All right, we got him.
[They handcuff the streaker, and Randy speaks on the radio]
Lt. Randall Disher: Streaker in custody.

Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, are you ready for this?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this? A game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
Lt. Randall Disher: The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket: human blood from the victim.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
Lt. Randall Disher: The lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 40%?
Lt. Randall Disher: What do you think?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forty-eight percent.
Lt. Randall Disher: Voice I.D.?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fifteen percent.
Lt. Randall Disher: Motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity.
[Stottlemeyer sighs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.

Processing guard: [SPOILER]
[a processing guard releases the streaker from jail]
Processing guard: Lady Godiva, it's your lucky day. Somebody made your bail. Lucky.
[the next day, Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in the park, watching Wendy Maas]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's she doing here?
Adrian Monk: I-I asked her to meet me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, do you mind telling me why?
Adrian Monk: You'll see. Just wait.
[the streaker is about to jog by. Stottlemeyer spots him and is visibly angered to find that he's been released]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sone of a bitch. He's back. Lieutenant, call the 23rd. Get a black and white down here ASAP.
Adrian Monk: Captain, not so fast.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I bailed him out last night, and I hired him.
Lt. Randall Disher: You hired the streaker? To do what?
[Ms. Mass turns to look at the streaker as he passes by her]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch.
[Ms. Maas chuckles as the streaker run away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She can see.
Lt. Randall Disher: She can see?
Adrian Monk: She can see.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [after a streaker goes by] What the hell was that?
Lt. Randall Disher: That was a streaker, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this, 1974?

Lt. Randall Disher: Say hello to Sonny Cross. We found this on the front door.
[Shows the note "J. Cross - Use Side Door" from the front door]
Lt. Randall Disher: To lure him into the alley.
Sharona Fleming: What does the "J" stand for?
Lt. Randall Disher: His legal name was Jason Cross. Look at this.
[he uncovers the sheet covering the body]
Lt. Randall Disher: Shot one, through the collarbone. Shot two, straight in the back while he was running away. We have a witness, Monk, who heard Willie Nelson and Cross arguing just before the shots were fired. We found the gun over there behind the Dumpster. It's a Webley, a Mark I, .38-caliber. No prints.
Adrian Monk: An old Webley?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes. We can rule out a mugging.
[Monk puts his left arm forward then outstretches both of his arms and flaps them like a bird]
Lt. Randall Disher: What's he doing?
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: The bullet hole in the jacket lines up with the entry wound.
Lt. Randall Disher: So?
Adrian Monk: Well, you said they were arguing, but if he was animated, if his hands were up or he was gesturing, then the holes wouldn't match up. No, this man had his hands down at his sides. And he-he wasn't frightened either. He-you say there was an eyewitness?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, not exactly an eyewitness.
[points at Wendy Maas]
Lt. Randall Disher: Her name's Wendy Mass. She's been blind since she was 16. She lives in one of those assisted living places up on Mountain View.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. I know her. I've seen her in the park.
Adrian Monk: That's your witness?
Lt. Randall Disher: She said she heard the whole thing.

[Randy takes Mrs. Mass's statement]
Lt. Randall Disher: Now, Mrs. Mass, you said you were taking the bus.
Wendy Maas: That's right, I was visiting a friend, and-and I missed my stop. I never like to admit it, but it happens. So I got off, and I started to walk. Then I turned down that alley, thinking that I could cut through to 4th Avenue, but it was blocked off.
[Monk starts to obsess over the unevenly sharpened pencils]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, the alley was a dead...
Sharona Fleming: Oh, yeah. There was construction. Uh-huh. It's a dead-end.
Wendy Maas: Dead end. Exactly. So, I started to turn around, and then I heard these two men arguing.
Adrian Monk: Uh, about what?
Wendy Maas: I couldn't tell.
[Monk goes over to the pencil holder and starts to sharpen the three pencils so that they are all sharpened to the same length]
Wendy Maas: They were very angry. And then I heard these two shots-Bang. Bang. Well, my heart was pounding and I couldn't move. Then this one man came up to me and he said- "Tell anybody about this and I'll kill you."
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
[Stottlemeyer arrives with his right arm in a sling]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How's it going?
Lt. Randall Disher: Miss Mass, this is Captain Stottlemeyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mrs. Mass, how do you do?
[She gently shakes his left hand]
Lt. Randall Disher: He'll be in charge of the case from here on in, thank God.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good job, Lieutenant.

[Stottlemeyer speaks at a press conference]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This investigation is open and ongoing. We have at least one witness, and there is some physical evidence, which is being analyzed as we speak.
Reporter #1: Captain, is Willie Nelson a suspect?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We haven't ruled out anybody as of yet. That's all I can say.
Reporter #2: Has Mr. Nelson made a statement?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Nelson has been very cooperative. He's agreed to stay in town and remain available to us at our discretion. Now, I-I wanna stress this again. We have not accused or charged anyone of this crime.
[a streaker runs by behind them]
Streaker: Whoo-hoo!
[the reporters laugh and applause. The streaker runs away, but slips and falls on the ground]
Streaker: Whoo!
[the reporters walk over to him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell was that?
Lt. Randall Disher: That was a streaker, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this, 1974?
[Reporters take pictures of the runaway streaker]
Streaker: Oh, yeah!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] Well, if there are no further questions-We'll be going. Thank you.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the 12th Man (#2.9)" (2003)
Mrs. Ling: When I fix this shirt, you don't complain, 'cause you good customer. You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock.
Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
Mrs. Ling: Well... He still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.

Lt. Randall Disher: [to Sharona, about Kenny Shale] I was thinking of voting for him, but now I'm worried about his judgment. I mean, going out with you, there's no telling what he might do. Start a nuclear war or something.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to the squad room] All right everybody, listen up. Listen up! We're not going to find him flailing around in the dark. Let's communicate, keep each other brief. We're going dumpster diving! We're going to...
[turns and notices Disher putting up another sheet on the wall with the photos of the victims]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm leaving a space for the next victim.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take it down. Take it down.
[Disher takes it down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no "next victim." We're stopping the son-of-a-bitch at *10*.

Disher: Captain!
[hands a file to Stottlemeyer]
Disher: Washington just sent this down, it's a prelim psych profile.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [holds the folder to his forehead] Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother.
[Hands the file back to Disher]
Disher: How did you know that?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.

Disher: Are you ready for this?
[long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Randy, you could be halfway through your first sentence by now.
Disher: We just picked up Juror #12 at a casino in Wallenpowpack. He gambles a lot, he's always in debt. He did it.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What, did he confess?
Disher: Well he tried to bolt when we picked him up. He lawyered up. He's not saying a thing. And are you ready for this?
[another long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, Randy, we're ready! You don't have to ask. You never have to ask!
Disher: He's got a body part in his freezer. A human finger.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Really? Well, the DA's gonna love that. They love body parts in the freezer.

Adrian Monk: [about the 11 victims] What do they have in common?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Absolutely nothing.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. They have... nothing in common. Some are rich, some poor, different ages, races, occupations... Captain this is a very diverse group. They are... too diverse.
Sharona Fleming: "Too diverse"?
Adrian Monk: I'm talking statistics. You'd have to work hard, really hard, to find a group this different. Plus, look at this. The blue pins indicate where they lived, right?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The murders took place all over the Bay Area, but the victims all lived in Marin County. What are the odds of *that*?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Go on, go, go, go, go...
Adrian Monk: A diverse group... all registered to vote... you know where you find a group like that?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, yes! On a jury!
Disher: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on, hang on...
[checks his computer]
Disher: He's right. They all served together on the same jury six years ago.
Adrian Monk: A jury.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: On a jury.
[he kisses Monk on the cheek, then runs out to rally the task force]

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame (#2.3)" (2003)
[Adrian plugs in the case-breaking video]
Adrian Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.
Sharona Fleming: Okay, here it is.
Adrian Monk: Don't blink.
[as they watch the video]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, my God.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, my-
[catches himself]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, my God!
Adrian Monk: [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [examining the photo of a car found near a crime scene] GCE-15P. Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.
Adrian Monk: It was a mnemonic device!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I understand. That's good work, Monk.
Adrian Monk: I remembered how the housekeeper said that Lawrence Hammond never forgot a birthday. A lot of successful people use little tricks to memorize information.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I said I understand.
Adrian Monk: But, obviously, Hammond made up the phrase to help him remember the license plate of the car that ran him down. "G" stands for "girls"...
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, Adrian, he gets it, okay? We all get it!
Adrian Monk: Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.
[Randy bursts into the office, looking rather excited]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, the car is hot! It was stolen from the Presidio Sunday night.
[Gives Stottlemeyer a photo of the car and the bumper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this blood on the bumper?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir, we have a positive match. It's Lawrence Hammond's! You ready for this?
[long pause. Everyone looks at Randy in disbelief as if waiting for the punchline]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ready for what? Just say it, Randy! What?
Lt. Randall Disher: We found this, underneath the rear seat cushion.
[as Randy offers a little lunch baggie with a metallic CD in it, Monk immediately reaches for it until Stottlemeyer quickly grabs it out of his grasp. He shoots Monk a look and he backs down, biting his tongue in disappointment as Sharona pats his shoulder]
Lt. Randall Disher: It's for one of those global positioning systems. It's homemade. The guy programmed it himself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, this is what he used to lure Hammond and his wife to that industrial park. Right. Okay, start putting together a list of computer geeks who can do that sort of thing.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir. There's more...
[another long pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And would you like to share it with us, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: The shooter abandoned the car in a parking lot. There was a security camera. We got a picture of him.
[hands the captain a large, blown up, black and white surveillance grab of the shooter. It's rather hard to make out any defining features. Monk bends around with Sharona to take a close up look at it. ]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, that's it? They can't clean that up?
Lt. Randall Disher: It is cleaned up. I mean, he was 50 feet away. Should I release it to the press?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's the point? I've seen better pictures of Bigfoot.
Adrian Monk: [looking at the photo] Captain, I've seen this guy before.
Sharona Fleming: Who is he?
Adrian Monk: I can't remember, but I know that face. I've seen him before... somewhere.

[Randy and some coworkers are watching a bulletin on Randy's mini TV]
Commentator #1: All eyes on Scott Gregorio tonight as he attempts to create history. No baseball fan could ever forget this moment. It was three years ago. This is Darryl Grant hitting his historic 73rd home run. The question now is, how long will that record stand? Scott Gregorio's within three home runs with four games left to play.
Lt. Randall Disher: Scotty!
Commentator #1: If last night is any indication, he's going to be in trouble. Gregorio went 0-for-3 in Philly. He looked pretty shaky at the plate.
Commentator #2: He's choking.
Sgt. Chitwood: I was at the stadium Tuesday night. He was on fire.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, some guys just can't handle the pressure, my friend. Not like you and me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! Where is that list of people who might have had a grudge against Lawrence Hammond?
Lt. Randall Disher: [panics and hides his mini TV under his desk, and the other officer goes back to work. Stottlemeyer gives a glance at Randy that seems to suggest that he knows about Randy's little secret] Still working on it, sir. It's like a phone book. I mean, everybody who had stock in the company had a reason to hate the guy.

Adrian Monk: [examining a crime scene] Isn't that - what do you call it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Global positioning system. It was on, but it wasn't working. There was no disc in the computer.
Adrian Monk: Maybe somebody took it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe.
Adrian Monk: [sizing up the rest of the crime scene] The shooter was here... waiting. Hammond drives up...
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. Right. We found the casings. The shooter comes in here. Pop, pop. Pop, pop. Four rounds into the wife.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: He shot the wife first? Then Hammond?
Lt. Randall Disher: Hammond was shot once, but it wasn't fatal. He tried to get away.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: He gets out, runs. The shooter gets back into his car, runs him down.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: But Hammond *still* wasn't dead.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: In the morning, he crawled away.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: He crawled for 2.5 miles. Truck driver found him, 9:00 AM, near Route 12.
Adrian Monk: I'd like to talk to him.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'll get him.
[He runs off while Stottlemeyer comes over]
Adrian Monk: Captain... he shot the wife first? Why would he do that? I would've done the husband first. Wouldn't you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Monk. It's never come up.
Adrian Monk: He didn't even stick around to make sure Hammond was dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he got interrupted.
Adrian Monk: He lured them here somehow... to kill her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who, the wife? She's a nobody. Lawrence Hammond's worth a billion dollars. He had at least a hundred enemies.

[while giving the summation to Walker Browning, Toby starts growling]
Adrian Monk: OK - uh - has that dog been fed recently?
Walker Browning: Hammond the millionaire? This is insane.
Adrian Monk: You knew Hammond's schedule. The board of directors' meeting was well-publicized. The night before, you broke into his garage and replaced his global positioning disc with one that you programmed yourself.
[This is overlaid with a clip showing Browning replacing the CD in the GPS system of Hammond's car]
Adrian Monk: Hammond followed the directions, and all you had to do was wait.
[In flashback, Browning shoots the Hammonds at the industrial park]
Sharona Fleming: And all because you wanted to sell a baseball.
Walker Browning: No, you can't prove any of this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well here's a little tip for you, Walker: the next time you wipe down a stolen car, make sure that you get the adjustment bar under the driver's side seat, because we lifted a thumb print, and I'm betting it's yours.
Walker Browning: Toby! Achtung!
[pulls open the gate to release Toby upon them. In self defense, Monk grabs Stottlemeyer's jacket]
Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm done, right? I think I'm done.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, stop!
[Browning, meanwhile, attempts to reach for his ball, but is jumped by Disher. At the same time, Stottlemeyer attempts to reason with Toby, who has the ball in his mouth]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Toby, good daaawg! Good boy - good boy - give me the ball!
Lt. Randall Disher: [spins around and also sees Toby with the ball] The ball! Toby - give the ball to the captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Toby, good boy - give me the baawl, Toby! Good boy Toby!
Lt. Randall Disher: [puts his fingers together and waves them beside Toby] Toby! Toby release!
[Toby doesn't release yet]
Lt. Randall Disher: OK, OK - just give me the ball!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk!
Adrian Monk: Toby, sit!
[Toby advances on him. Monk opens the door and Toby trots out]
Adrian Monk: I - I've never been good with animals.
[Stottlemeyer signals Disher now to go after the ball like he's his lapdog]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Go! Go - fetch! Get the ball! Get the ball!
[Randy bolts out the door and chases Toby down the steps]
Lt. Randall Disher: Toby! Toby, heel! Toby, freeze! Heel! Heel!
[the dog passes an officer at the bottom of the steps, who doesn't do anything even after Toby passes him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Heel! Get the dog!

Adrian Monk: Captain, I think we're on to something. Erin Hammond was having an affair.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, again with the wife?
Adrian Monk: There were four shampoo bottles in her bedroom from the Newport Inn...
Sharona Fleming: Which is just two miles away from her house. The concierge says she's been there two or three times a month with some guy, but they never got a good look at him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sarcastic] Congratulations! Mrs. Hammond was having an affair.
[taking his cue from Stottlemeyer, Disher scoffs and crosses his arms]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...Yeah. All right. Yeah, I can't ignore that.
[to Disher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Go down to the Newport Inn. I want you to interview the staff and bring a sketch artist.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees (#6.5)" (2007)
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are leading a handcuffed Rob Sherman to a patrol car. Disher has a printed off copy of the case breaking photo and a disk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Backup disk. Oh, and I printed off a copy.
[Stottlemeyer looks at the photo, and comments to Sherman]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah. You and your friend take a very *nice*, very *incriminating* picture.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I put it on a mug, too.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What for?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much."
[takes an imaginary sip from the mug]
Lt. Randall Disher: "Mmmm, *guilty*."

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from his notebook] OK. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Natalie Teeger: Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe...
Lovely Rita: [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [wryly] Thank you.
Lovely Rita: Anytime.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Natalie Teeger: Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers?
[pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]
Lovely Rita: Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake? Who are you?
Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
Lovely Rita: *Alleged* knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook. Was the wife insured?
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So where's your motive?
Lovely Rita: Wake up!
[scoots her chair over]
Lovely Rita: You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
Adrian Monk: He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.
Lovely Rita: You're cute.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.

Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
Lovely Rita: Alleged knife fight, alleged. I love that word.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs! Even for blurs, they're blurry. Can you make it bigger?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's already enhanced.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that you can't tell who or what they are!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it will rub off.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [attempts to rub the marker off the television monitor] I don't think so.
[Randy makes another unsuccessful attempt at rubbing the marker off]
Lt. Randall Disher: Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. *Flat*.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk.
[walks out of the room]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well it's already enhanced.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody. That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?

"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever (#7.3)" (2008)
Billy Logan: Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
Natalie Teeger: My mark?
Billy Logan: Yeah. The big "X" on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
[Natalie moves over there]
Stage Manager: 90 seconds!
Natalie Teeger: 90 seconds? Wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
Billy Logan: There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God if there was a script, we'd all be rich!
[to himself]
Billy Logan: Amateurs.
[Billy walks off. Stan Lawrence approaches Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Stan Lawrence: Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
Stan Lawrence: They usually do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
Stan Lawrence: You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
[He hands the stack over]
Billy Logan: I need quiet everybody! New girl, new girl. You're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2-
[the show's theme music starts up. The studio cameras turn on]
Natalie Teeger: Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play?
[pause. Monk gives her a "get on with it" gesture]
Natalie Teeger: Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is...
[long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
Billy Logan: [whispering] Turn it on!
[Natalie doesn't move]
Billy Logan: Turn it on!
[Natalie presses the power button]
Natalie Teeger: My god!
[the numbers come out of the drum. Natalie reads them and then sets them aside]
Natalie Teeger: And the first number is... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number... 7. The Seven Dwarves.
[Stottlemeyer tears up some fan mail]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Seven dwarves.
[the number 32 is drawn]
Natalie Teeger: The next number... 32. 32 teeth.
[clicks her teeth]
Natalie Teeger: [the number 10 is drawn] 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Aw crap!
Natalie Teeger: Apparently not everybody's favorite.
[the number 17 gets drawn]
Natalie Teeger: And the final number is 17, my daughter's age.
[makes a little wave]
Natalie Teeger: Hi Julie!
Natalie Teeger: Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto.
Natalie Teeger: You'll thank me later!
[the music stops. Monk is dumbstruck]
Adrian Monk: "You'll thank me later"? That's my line. I say that!
Lt. Randall Disher: It hurts, doesn't it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know I might as well flush 20 bucks down the toilet once a week.

[Billy Logan and Eugene Maddox have been arrested for murder]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm glad you like numbers, Billy. You're going to be wearing some numbers on your shirt.
Billy Logan: Is that right?
Lt. Randall Disher: They won't be lottery numbers.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You're going to prison.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent.
Billy Logan: I will if you will.

Lt. Randall Disher: Any idea on motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess you can say that there were 12 million people with a motive, myself included. This was the Lotto Girl: she broke my heart three times a week.

Medical Examiner: Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown.
Medical Examiner: I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?
Officer Kelton: I guess her number came up!
[Randy throws his notebook at Kelton]
Officer Kelton: Hey! What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: What are you doing? That was my line, man.

[Natalie has drawn the very numbers that Stottlemeyer has on his lottery ticket. After he finds that they all match, he cannot help but burst out laughing in triumph]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh my dear lord! All day I had this feeling!
Adrian Monk: Congratulations! So are you quitting?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, are you kidding? I quit thirty seconds ago when the "54" ball popped out of the drum!
[Still laughing uncontrollably, he grabs the wall picture of a boat and kisses it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Come here, you great, beautiful, no-longer-hypothetical boat!
[Still laughing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! Do you still have those student loans?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I've got eight more years!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not anymore!
Lt. Randall Disher: No way!

[Monk looks around the crime scene, bothered]
Adrian Monk: This is wrong.
[He examines the shattered window of Marissa Kessler's car]
Adrian Monk: This is wrong.
[He examines the body]
Adrian Monk: This is very wrong. This is very, very...
Lt. Randall Disher: Wrong?
Adrian Monk: This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.
Medical Examiner: Well he took her purse and some jewelry.
Adrian Monk: No, he wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.
Medical Examiner: That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.
Adrian Monk: Or, she was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern.
[Stottlemeyer crouches beside Monk]
Adrian Monk: Two, two, and two. Three times, with a pair of scissors.
Medical Examiner: Yes. That's possible.
Adrian Monk: Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Spur-of-the-moment. Not planned.
Adrian Monk: Plus, the mud on her shoe. There's a mud puddle near the exit, but there's a light, right there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she was walking she would've seen it.
Adrian Monk: Whatever happened must have started inside. There was some kind of fight; he grabbed some scissors and chased her out here.
[Stottlemeyer turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee who was here last night. Make that every employee, period.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes sir.
Adrian Monk: What is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: On her fingertips? Is that paint?
[Stottlemeyer looks at the fingertips, and then waves over a CSI tech]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Gabby. Take a sample from her left fingers.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes a Punch (#7.4)" (2008)
Frankie Marino: Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: No.
[to prove it, he opens his shirt and drops his trousers]
Frankie Marino: [to Stottlemeyer] What about you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope.
Frankie Marino: Okay, let's talk.
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Why did I just get undressed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy, everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.

Ray Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
Lt. Randall Disher: The best of the best. He's kind of like a superhero.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.

[in the killer's mansion]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
Adrian Monk: He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
Natalie Teeger: So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [as the owner is led past them, handcuffed] Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours.
Lt. Randall Disher: You should have just kept it all in your basement.
Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
Daniel MacGraw: [sarcastic] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.

Lt. Randall Disher: It's a tough racket. I've do a little boxing myself. Light Middleweight.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When did you box?
Lt. Randall Disher: Remember the benefit for the Police Athlete League? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO left uppercut.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Stan Mulroney, he retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops."
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. Wiley.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He had a cane.
Lt. Randall Disher: And he used it.

[leaving the killer's house]
Lt. Randall Disher: The guy went to a lot of trouble for nothing. I mean, nobody even watches commercials anymore.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's called TiVo, Mr. Monk. People just zap right past to get to the good stuff.
Adrian Monk: That makes sense!

Frankie Marino: Is this about the fireworks at Louie's Gym?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's right. There's a contract out on Ray Regis.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There was a lot of money in play the last time he fought.
Frankie Marino: Some of it yours.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Frankie, you've been known to hold a grudge.
Frankie Marino: Not this time. There was some talk on the street the fight might end prematurely. We moved some money around, adjusted the odds. It was actually one of the biggest paydays we ever had. I got no beef with Ray Regis.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I am trying to save the kid's life.
Frankie Marino: I don't know very much.
[leans in and lowers his voice]
Frankie Marino: Someone was shopping a contract. I don't know who, but it was serious. He wanted it done by the end of the month.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: By the end of the month? The fight's on Friday, that's the twenty-fifth. Why the end of the month?
Frankie Marino: Weird, huh?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, weird.
Lt. Randall Disher: Very weird.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Get dressed, Randy.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Bully (#7.14)" (2009)
Lt. Randall Disher: How do we tell them apart?
[Marilyn coughs up water]
Lt. Randall Disher: Say "aunt."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So identical twins, huh? That's one for the books.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I'm pretty sure I said twins.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Randy, you always say twins.

[Roderick Brody is being questioned at the police station]
Roderick Brody: You didn't have to drag me down here. You could've talked to me in my office.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'm more comfortable here. I got my own coffee mug. I've got the AC set just the way I like it.
Roderick Brody: Yeah, but can I at least call my wife?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well we already called her. She's on her way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So let's start at the beginning. You knew Mr. Monk from the neighborhood. You hired him to follow your wife, he told you about Mr. Fendle, told you about Fendle and the hotel...

Lt. Randall Disher: [briefing Monk and Natalie on a murder victim at a crime scene] His name is Douglas J. Fendle, or rather was Douglas J. Fendle, I guess it still is, but let's move on.
[refers to his notebook]
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, he was 37, unmarried, from Chicago. Mr. Fendle was an attorney, he worked at a small time law firm, Shellman, Reznick & Link, mostly family law, wills, adoptions...
[he looks up at Monk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Dynamite.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so are you, uh, going to look around?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure.
[He looks around the scene as Disher continues reading from his notes]
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I talked to his boss. She said he was on vacation and didn't even know he was here.
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, interesting.
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the clerk, he checked in three days ago. He kept to himself. Housekeeping found the body this morning. Dr. T puts the time of death at 8:00 or 9:00 PM last night.
[pauses as Monk takes a flower out of one of the room vases]
Lt. Randall Disher: He was stabbed three times.
Adrian Monk: Ouch.
[Natalie looks at him disapprovingly]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
Lt. Randall Disher: There was money still in his pocket, so it wasn't a robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, it wasn't a robbery.
Lt. Randall Disher: And, uh, there was no forced entry. He let the guy in. I think he knew him.
Adrian Monk: [semi-chuckling] Yeah I think he knew him too...
[Natalie pulls him aside]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! Can I talk to you for a minute?
[She walks him over to another point in the room]
Natalie Teeger: Do you think Roderick Brody did this?
[Monk gives her a look that means "maybe"]
Natalie Teeger: Well he said he didn't believe us.
Adrian Monk: Apparently he reconsidered.
Natalie Teeger: Well that's horrible. A man is dead.
Adrian Monk: I know, and that's murder in the first degree, and you know what that means: prison swirlies.

Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] You were right about karma. It is *fantastic*.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk-
[Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Natalie. Thank you so much for coming. I was just doing a bit of dumpster diving down there. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, what do you think?
[Monk looks like he wants to withhold something]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay?
[Monk blushes]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you happy?
Adrian Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?
[Randy whispers to Stottlemeyer]
Lt. Randall Disher: I think they knew the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? You know this guy?
[gestures towards the bedroom and Fendle's dead body]
Adrian Monk: No, not technically...
Natalie Teeger: Never met him face to face.
Adrian Monk: ...We've sort of been following him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Well he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.
Natalie Teeger: Her husband hired us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
Natalie Teeger: He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
Adrian Monk: Wouldn't exactly say friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every day for three years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.
Adrian Monk: I know I'm getting even.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, your pal - you told your pal about Fendle. And you told him that Fendle was going to be here?
[Monk's lips seem to read "yes"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name?
Natalie Teeger: Actually we can't tell you that. It's privilaged information. We could contact a third party or a lawyer...
[Monk cuts her off]
Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle.
[Disher starts to write down the name and address]
Adrian Monk: No that looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y, Roderick Brody.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's go talk to him.
[They file out, and Monk whispers to Natalie]
Adrian Monk: Prison swirlies.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Three Julies (#6.13)" (2008)
Adrian Monk: [after Disher turns up a promising lead] What about your other idea? You said you had two.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [looks at the DVD in Disher's hand] "The Terminator"? You think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [imitating Schwarzenegger] Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live.
Lt. Randall Disher: That was T-2.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town.
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I have that back, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [still imitating] And things of this nature...

[the trio pull up to a suspect's decrepit house, in Stottlemeyer's banged-up car]
Lt. Randall Disher: What a dump.
Adrian Monk: But you can tell it used to be beautiful. How could something like this happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, maybe Natalie drove it someplace.

[on a stakeout, Stottlemeyer hears scratching over the wire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
[Upstairs, Randy is dressed in drag and a gray wig in a rocking chair, and finds that his "bra" is extremely itchy]
Lt. Randall Disher: My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
Police Technician: This is a new low.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.

Lt. Randall Disher: He's never gonna buy this.
Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The important thing is, that we keep him talking.
Lt. Randall Disher: What if he has a knife?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No it has to be covert, sound conversational.
Adrian Monk: How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."

Natalie Teeger: Randy, I need to ask a favor.
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is yes.
Natalie Teeger: I need a gun.
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is no.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Astronaut (#4.14)" (2006)
Lt. Randall Disher: Good work, sir!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't have to sound so surprised, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I'm not surprised. Awestruck.
Lt. Randall Disher: Awestruck.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't be, and that's an order.
Lt. Randall Disher: You're ordering me not to be awestruck?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's right. Stand over there and don't be awestruck.

Natalie Teeger: You can't just take mail from somebody's porch.
Darrell Cain: Yeah, you can if it's fruit. The law doesn't apply to fruit because it's perishable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, sir, the law does apply to fruit.
[turns to Disher, who is eating a nectarine from the box]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you eating one?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nope. I was just putting that back.
[throws the nectarine back into the Fruit of the Month box]

Lt. Randall Disher: [to Steve Wagner] Congratulations on your flight. And congratulations on the crash landing four years ago. And on marrying a figure skater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Congratulations on your whole life.

Lt. Randall Disher: [makes a model of a spaceship] Here's the ship. And let's pretend this globe represents the Earth.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a globe. It *does* represent the Earth.

Lt. Randall Disher: [after demonstrating his very unbelievable escape pod theory] It's just a theory.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I don't think so. I've heard theories before, and, uh, they don't sound like that.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man (#1.9)" (2002)
Adrian Monk: What do we have?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We got a dead girl. She lives on the, uh, 21st floor. Either she slipped or she jumped or she had some help.
Adrian Monk: [looking at Gwen Zaleski's body] It was murder.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, it's a possibility.
Adrian Monk: No, no, it was definitely murder.
Lt. Randall Disher: [sighs] And how could you know that, Monk? You just got here.
Adrian Monk: Her toenails. She was painting them, but she didn't finish that one. She was obviously interrupted.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, isn't that the style now?
Sharona Fleming: [scoffs] Like you know.

[in the late Gwen Zaleski's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on his cell phone] That's what I thought. Thanks, Paul.
[hangs up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Boys and girls, listen up. That was the medical examiner. She was strangled before she went over the rail. This is now a homicide investigation. Which means, do not touch anything, don't lean on anything, and be careful where you walk.
[to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Adrian Monk: She lived alone?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, she lived alone, but uh, check this out.
[opens the refrigerator]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. She has beer in the fridge and... cigars in the humidor.
Adrian Monk: Boyfriend.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, and according to her neighbor, she had an ex husband and a boyfriend who nobody ever saw.
Adrian Monk: Well, somebody was paying the bills. She was in unemployment.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Somebody was buying her a lot of gifts.
Adrian Monk: She hasn't opened any of them.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hmm, maybe she was planning to return them. I mean, look at this guy's taste.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [interrogating Arthur, Gwen Zaleski's ex-husband] Mr. Zaleski, how about I call you Arthur?
Arthur Zaleski: Well, you can call me whatever he hell you want.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. How long were you and Gwen married?
Arthur Zaleski: Four years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She walked out, and you still loved her.
Arthur Zaleski: Sure, I had feelings for her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I bet you did.
Arthur Zaleski: Then she picks up with the dinette furniture salesman. TV guy. That's humiliating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were jealous. You became furious.
[Monk starts to try to wipe a smudge off the mirror]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd feel the same way.
Arthur Zaleski: I don't like this, being here.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're not supposed to like being here, Arthur. This is an interrogation room. It's not a sports bar.
[Monk turns to Sharona]
Adrian Monk: I need a wipe.
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Do you have a wipe?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, why were you harassing your ex-wife? We've got the phone records, Artie. You were calling her twice a day. I don't call my wife twice a day.
Arthur Zaleski: I was worried about her.
Lt. Randall Disher: You call it "worried". The judge called it "stalking".
Arthur Zaleski: That was three years ago.
[Monk is using a moist towelette and making a squeaking noise as he tries to rub the smudge off the window. Stottlemeyer has to speak over the squeaking noise]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What happened, Arthur? You went over there to talk, right? You lost your temper trying to talk to her? Everybody has a temper.
Arthur Zaleski: What is that? What is that noise?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. Come on.
[He leaves the room to talk to Monk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, one more time from the top. So, how long were you and Gwen married?
Adrian Monk: How's it going in there?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's going great, except he wants to know what the little squeaky noise behind the mirror is.

Lt. Randall Disher: The Zaleski alibi checks out. He was in bed making a phone call at the exact time of death.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's not the ex-husband.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, sir. So, uh, where does that leave us?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It leaves us with McDowell.
Lt. Randall Disher: The boyfriend?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lt. Randall Disher: He checked out. He ran the whole race.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's say that McDowell did pass the chip off to another runner.
Lt. Randall Disher: That was your idea, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're damn right it was.
Lt. Randall Disher: You're thinking Tonday.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no. Their times don't match up exactly.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, then who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. Here's my idea.
[turns over a whiteboard to show a series of equations]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's say there were six runners.
Lt. Randall Disher: Six?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Tonday, McDowell, and these four guys: Harvester, Blanchard, Crowe and Davidson. They pass the chip back and forth among them. They were all running in the vicinity and...
Lt. Randall Disher: Like a conspiracy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, no. I've worked the time out on this graph.
[takes it out]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Passing it back and forth, the time works out almost exactly. What do you think?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, this is worth looking into, sir.
[Stottlemeyer promptly crumples the graph up and throws it away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's all-no, it's not, it's insane. There is absolutely no connection between those six men.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, you're right. It's-I was just playing devil's advocate with that. Uh-
[hits the play button on the tape of the marathon]
Sportscaster: There is something you don't see every day. A runner in this race with four legs.

Lt. Randall Disher: Hang on a second. Stop the tape. What's that right there?
[Stottlemeyer pauses]
Lt. Randall Disher: Go, go back a little.
[Stottlemeyer rewinds the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: Is that a dog?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah it's a poodle.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe he put the chip in the dog collar.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a little poodle. Can a little poodle run 26 miles?
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe he drugged it. I mean, if it's on drugs, yeah. I can call a vet.
[Stottlemeyer leans closer to the TV screen as Randy speaks]

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus (#2.4)" (2003)
[after the Human Cannonball bad-mouths him]
Lt. Randall Disher: I hate that Ball!

[Stottlemeyer is reconstructing the crime for Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's after midnight, everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, shimmies down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move...
[spins and kicks up his foot]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - kill shot.
Adrian Monk: From *here*? What is that, thirty feet?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the flower box.
Adrian Monk: [looks] What did he use, a cannon?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
Lt. Randall Disher: They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.

Adrian Monk: [looking at Nikolai Petroff, who is about to be questioned] A leopard and panther wrangler.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
Lt. Randall Disher: He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good.
[Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Hmm. He's left-handed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
Adrian Monk: What's that supposed to mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Adrian Monk: Says who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
Adrian Monk: I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Cold as ice with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: She's got a bad temper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A bad temper with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: You keep coming back to the foot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
Adrian Monk: That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses?
[Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs]
Adrian Monk: There's only one reason - to prove...
[Suddenly, Adrian looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]
Adrian Monk: ... prove that she could.
[She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Sharona Fleming: Suck it up!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're fine.
Sharona Fleming: Fine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City.
[enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over]
Lt. Randall Disher: She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin.
[We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but missing the next performer and falling to the ground]
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet, in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.

Adrian Monk: Ahem. She missed the net?
Lt. Randall Disher: She never used a net.
Adrian Monk: She go to the hospital?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
Adrian Monk: So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine.
[walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're welcome.
[Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
Adrian Monk: You want to finish it?
[Stottlemeyer walks up to the pair and tries to give them some advice. He takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona. Monk listens to the captain but rolls his eyes, and keeps his tongue]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
Sharona Fleming: We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
Adrian Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
Sharona Fleming: I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[a fireblower freaks Monk, who recoils a bit but then keeps on moving]
Lt. Randall Disher: Ha ha ha. Payroll, 240 people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah and he's using the term "people" very loosely.
[a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Ooh! You okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
[He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen your comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh...
[tries to size it up with his hands]
Adrian Monk: ... it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: Where do we start?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
Adrian Monk: You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble.
[Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and the captain watches him in disbelief. The captain gets him to leave it alone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy!
[Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]

"Monk: Mr. Monk Is on the Run: Part 2 (#6.16)" (2008)
[after Stottlemeyer tells Disher that Monk is alive, just to get him to stop singing the funeral song he wrote]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You look disappointed.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's just... this is the best song I ever wrote.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, hold on to it. He's gonna die someday.
Lt. Randall Disher: But you're not gonna shoot him, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You never know.

[Stottlemeyer defuses the bomb under the Governor's car, then addresses the Governor's bodyguards holding Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could you take your hands off my friend, please? He's had a rough day.
[They release him, while Disher handcuffs Rollins]
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent...
Sheriff Rollins: Yeah, I know all that stuff. Let's just get the hell out of here.
[Monk looks at the Governor and his wife, who nod at him, gratefully. Monk nods back, then collapses into Stottlemeyer's arms]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [patting him on the back] Good job. Good job.

Natalie Teeger: [looking through Rollins's papers] No, wait. Okay, there's a check for $10,000 made out to Angel County Children's Center.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Angel County Children's Center?
[Disher does a search on his computer]
Lt. Randall Disher: No such animal.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, that check is dirty. Who wrote it?
Natalie Teeger: The Xanadu Corporation.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Xanadu Corporation.
[Disher begins to type]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, "X".
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading] Xanadu, a division of the Orpheum Investment Group... which is owned by the Blue Danube Foundation...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blue Danube Foundation?
Lt. Randall Disher: Which is owned by... oh, my God.
[Grimacing, Stottlemeyer lifts the phone to his ear... ]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] Who's Dale Biederbeck?

[Natalie breaks out of hiding, runs through the crowd, and attempts to climb up to reach the trigger on the detonator. Sheriff Rollins's deputies seize her and drag her down]
Sheriff John Rollins: [to his deputies] Drag her down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks up with Disher] John Rollins! You're under arrest for murder, and conspiracy to commit.
Lt. Randall Disher: We know that you're working for Biederbeck, and that you framed Monk!
Sheriff John Rollins: Hey! You're under arrest! Obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting!
[to his deputies]
Sheriff John Rollins: Arrest him!
Lt. Randall Disher: [the deputies attempt to seize him] Get your hands off me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [as the deputies seize him] I'm a Captain with the San Francisco Police Department! Arrest him!
[By that, he means Rollins]
Sheriff John Rollins: He's out of his jurisdiction! Arrest him!
[Referring to Stottlemeyer]
Natalie Teeger: Captain! The trigger is in the banner!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks into his office with Disher and notices Rollins reclining in his chair] Sheriff Rollins, make yourself at home.
Sheriff John Rollins: You read the paper today?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I read the sports page, and did the jumble.
Sheriff John Rollins: Nah, not the jumble. This. Page 5.
[points to an article with the headline "Unidentified Body Found in Avalon Bay."]
Sheriff John Rollins: Male Caucasian. 5'1''.
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it Monk?
Sheriff John Rollins: No. It's not Monk. I was at the morgue last night. Guy had a tattoo. I thought it was strange.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was strange?
Sheriff John Rollins: Well. I'll tell you what was strange.
[Gets up and walks over to Stottlemeyer]
Sheriff John Rollins: You weren't there. Bulletin was sent in. It was in the daily log. You must have read it. Well, I'll be sticking around the campus for a few more days, in case anything else washes up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We can use all the help we can get.
Sheriff John Rollins: We've all got to suffer.
[He leaves]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [Puts on an armband, and notices that Randy looking at him suspiciously] What?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good question. Why didn't you check it out?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because I was busy. I was turning over rocks.
[takes out a file]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Trying to get a beat on that son-of-a-bitch.
[hands the file on Rollins over to Randy]
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading file] He just bought a second house near Catalina.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And a new BMW and look at this.
[turns a few more pages]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's got two offshore bank accounts - on a sheriff's salary. Randy, that guy is dirty and I can smell it.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger (#1.7)" (2002)
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Shoot him.
Disher: I can't do that, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Then shoot me.

[Disher enters Stottlemeyer's office]
Disher: Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No. All he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.
Disher: Fraidy Cop.
[drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk, with the headline "Who Is Fraidy Cop?"]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Disher: That's what they're calling him.
Disher: We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took.
[He walks over to a blown up map. He sighs]
Disher: I don't know. Okay.
[He pulls out a few pushpins]
Disher: After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here,
[puts a pushpin into an intersection on the map]
Disher: He flagged down a taxi.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar upon Geary Street...
[puts another pushpin on the map]
Disher: ... there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
Disher: Yeah.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, that son of a bitch better hope I don't find him first.
[He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop on his desk]

[Disher enters Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No. All he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fraidy Cop.
[drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk, with the headline "Who Is Fraidy Cop?"]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's what they're calling him.
Lt. Randall Disher: We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took.
[He walks over to a blown up map. He sighs]
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know. Okay.
[He pulls out a few pushpins]
Lt. Randall Disher: After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here,
[puts a pushpin into an intersection on the map]
Lt. Randall Disher: He flagged down a taxi.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar up on Geary Street...
[puts another pushpin on the map]
Lt. Randall Disher: ... there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Lt. Randall Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, that son of a bitch better hope I don't find him first.
[He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop on his desk]

Disher: Hey, Mr. Modine. What happened next?
Archie Modine: Well, he came at me with a knife, and he-he said something.
Christine: He said, "Don't be a hero".
Disher: "Don't be a hero"?
Archie Modine: Yeah. Anyway, I pulled my piece and I got three rounds off.
Disher: Guess he didn't realize he was messing with a second lieutenant.
Witness: I just live right up there. I saw the whole thing. That's exactly what happened.
Archie Modine: Hey, Lieutenant. Is that really Sidney Teal?
Disher: I'm afraid so.
Archie Modine: Geez.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month (#3.7)" (2004)
Lt. Randall Disher: A forty-two-inch flat-screen TV fell on her. She was killed instantly.
Sharona Fleming: That's horrible. TV still work?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, the TV just killed a woman.
Sharona Fleming: What are you going to do? Lock it up?

Sharona Fleming: Hey, Captain, have you ever met Crystal?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I can't say I have. We were supposed to go out to dinner last week, but she canceled at the last minute.
Lt. Randall Disher: She wasn't feeling well.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: M-hmmmm.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe you blew her up too much.
Lt. Randall Disher: She isn't a balloon.
Sharona Fleming: That's right. She's a living, breathing wallet model.

Sharona Fleming: Those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Lt. Randall Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona Fleming: Hm. What's her name?
Lt. Randall Disher: Crystal.
[Sharona is staring past Randy at a box that says "Crystal Glassware" on it]
Sharona Fleming: What's her last name? Glassware?

Sharona Fleming: [asking Randy about Crystal, his girlfriend] You have a picture?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Sharona Fleming: Ohhh. She's pretty.
[turns photo over]
Sharona Fleming: Randy! This came with the wallet.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Election (#3.15)" (2005)
[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack, so Captain Stottlemeyer sets up protection]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant...
[pins a "Vote Teeger" button to Randy's lapel]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...thank you for volunteering!
Natalie Teeger: *He's* my bodyguard?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
Natalie Teeger: I'm *still* not dropping out!
[She walks away]
Lt. Randall Disher: That's not my job.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It is now.

[Jack Whitman has brought in some lasagna]
Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me. I thought I'd better try this.
[takes a bite of Natalie's lasagna]
Lt. Randall Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
Jack Whitman: That's what every cook likes to know.

Adrian Monk: [about Harold Krenshaw] I told you. He will drive you crazy.
Lt. Randall Disher: So is he the guy?
Adrian Monk: No. I wish he was, but he's not the guy. He never would have misspelled Natalie's name on the note.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: Because, even I wouldn't have.

Lt. Randall Disher: Witnesses are all over the map. Some say they heard five shots; some say nine.
Adrian Monk: Fourteen. There were fourteen shots.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you sure? Well, of course you're sure. How did they come? Were they evenly spaced?
[Monk recites the timing]
Adrian Monk: Bang. Bang bang. Bang. Bang bang bang bang bang...
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Rapid fire, semi-automatic.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Panic Room (#3.2)" (2004)
[watching Sharona nuzzle Darwin]
Lt. Randall Disher: So how long have you two been dating?
Sharona Fleming: [to Darwin] He's just jealous because you're cuter than he is. And you smell better too.

[Stottlemeyer and Disher reluctantly arrive at Sharona's house to arrest her]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate this.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why don't you stay out here, sir? I can handle her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, you can? Since when?

Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, can I run a theory by you?
Adrian Monk: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: What if Ian Blackburn trained the chimpanzee to shoot him in the panic room?
Adrian Monk: Why would he do that?
Lt. Randall Disher: So his wife could collect the insurance. Thus, suicide by monkey.
Sharona Fleming: Thus, theory by monkey.
Adrian Monk: Randy, Ian Blackburn had a $100,000 life insurance policy. Chloe is worth, what, $20 million? It doesn't seem worth it.

Sharona Fleming: [opens the door to find Stottlemeyer and Disher waiting] Hey.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we need to talk.
Sharona Fleming: About what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you know.
[They walk into the house, which looks like an earthquake has hit it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What happened here? Did you have a party?
Sharona Fleming: It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
Sharona Fleming: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're going to find him. Is he here?
[Disher takes out his gun and begins searching the house]
Sharona Fleming: Hey, would you put that away? This is my house!
Lt. Randall Disher: He's killed before.
Sharona Fleming: No he hasn't!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
Lt. Randall Disher: [walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Roger that.
[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?
Sharona Fleming: Benjy threw up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] On the wall?
Sharona Fleming: It was pretty awful.
Lt. Randall Disher: [heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!
[notices that it's just a stuffed animal]
Lt. Randall Disher: False alarm! False alarm!
[Sharona grabs the teddy bear from Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect (#2.7)" (2003)
[Monk and Sharona narrowly survived a bomb blast]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, they pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights three days ago.
Lt. Randall Disher: Different post office, same type of explosive.
Adrian Monk: [yelling] Well, don't use that bathroom, it's a mess!
Sharona Fleming: You don't have to shout!
Adrian Monk: [still yelling] Why are you whispering?

[first lines]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
Dwayne: Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
Dwayne: Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
Dwayne: Yeah, you sort of do.
[Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that...

[Brian Babbage rams his car into Stottlemeyer's and Disher's]
Brian Babbage: Hey, cop! Kiss my ass!
[Brian gives them the finger, and then takes off]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Dwayne] Don't move!
[They jump into their car, as Dwayne ignores them and runs away]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run, he's eastbound on Union...
Lt. Randall Disher: This is my first car chase. I've been waiting for this my whole life!
[He doesn't even get the car in gear, before a truck hits Brian's car and sends it crashing into a parked car. Stottlemeyer unbuckles his seat belt and turns off the dashboard light]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What'd you think?

Lt. Randall Disher: You okay?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, just your basic mail bomb. No big deal.
Lt. Randall Disher: I heard you're moving. New Jersey.
Sharona Fleming: You gonna miss me?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nah... well, maybe a little.
Sharona Fleming: Do me a favor and call me sometime, to remind me why I left.
Lt. Randall Disher: [smiles] I'll do that.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Big Reward (#4.13)" (2006)
Lt. Randall Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?

Jenny Manderville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest.
[to an officer]
Lt. Randall Disher: Would you escort Miss Mandeville out?
[Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them and whistles a cuckoo whistle]
Adrian Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
[since yesterday, Jennie came in and confessed to stealing a pen from a bank]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday, and says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder. Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.

Landis: [while being questioned about the robbery] I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators, and anybody who was at the museum.
Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left.
Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay.
[noticing Monk and Natalie]
Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
Lt. Randall Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on sight.
Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll look into it.
[to Landis]
Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me, Mr. Landis.
[to Monk and Natalie]
Lt. Randall Disher: If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B.
[Landis departs with Randy to be interrogated. Monk turns to Natalie, who is dismayed to find that Monk didn't ask for money]
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: You know what? You just solved that case for *free*!
Lt. Randall Disher: What was I supposed to do? Say, "Lieutenant, there's a drug dealer in the room. I'll tell you who it is for $20."
Natalie Teeger: At least we'd have $20!

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Genius (#7.2)" (2008)
Patrick Kloster: [while waiting for the toxicology report to come back about his first wife] You're making a big mistake.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the mistake, Kloster.
Lt. Randall Disher: You should have had your first wife cremated too.
[the medical examiner returns with his report]
Medical Examiner: Sorry for the delay. We know how important this is. There was no poison in the body, we didn't find a thing.
Adrian Monk: Impossible!
Medical Examiner: The woman died of natural causes. We're sure of it.
Patrick Kloster: [getting up to head to the elevator] Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: For what?
Patrick Kloster: Our little game. But to be honest with you, I'm sorry it's over.
[the elevator doors close]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, she's still in the house.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fine, good. You sleep on it!
[slams the phone down]
Adrian Monk: How did that go?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie Teeger: What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies.
[Disher walks in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got a call. You'd better put down the cup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the airport to question Patrick Kloster]
Lt. Randall Disher: Is he here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Plane just landed. Whaddaya got?
Lt. Randall Disher: You're not gonna like it. The ME says natural causes; severe cardiac arrest.
Adrian Monk: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's already released the body.
Adrian Monk: Wh-What about a complete toxicology workup?
Lt. Randall Disher: He won't do it, Monk. Not without probable cause.
Natalie Teeger: But she was 42 years old!
Adrian Monk: What about the water, the tap water in the bathroom?
Lt. Randall Disher: Checked.
Natalie Teeger: Well, how about her lipstick?
Lt. Randall Disher: Checked. I mean, everything in the house, even her eyedrops, it's all clean.
Adrian Monk: He killed her; he poisoned her! But how?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well there he is. You can ask him yourself.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert (#5.8)" (2006)
[Stottlemeyer notices that Randy faked being sick to go to the Band Jam. He gets out his cell phone and calls Randy from a few feet away. Randy answers]
Lt. Randall Disher: [feigning illness] Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy? How are you doing, buddy? I was worried about you.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep?
Lt. Randall Disher: [coughs] What time is it?
[the expression on his face suggests that Stottlemeyer is very unconvinced, but he pretends that he is]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? Hey what's that music I hear?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, it's my stereo! It's broken. I can't turn it down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's loud!
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, Captain, thanks for calling.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure...
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm going to get up now and make myself some soup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Soup is good, fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fluids, all right, thanks for calling, Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take care.
[Randy hangs up, turns to a woman next to him and says]
Lt. Randall Disher: My boss!
[He laughs, until Stottlemeyer puts his hand on Randy's shoulder and he wheels around]
Lt. Randall Disher: Whoa. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. I'm looking for Jared.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, here's what happened with me: I was on my way to a doctor, and uh... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared.
[Takes a sip from his beer bottle before putting it down and walking away with Stottlemeyer]

[Stottlemeyer opens the outhouse door to look inside]
Annoyed Girl in Line: How long are you going to be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.
Annoyed Girl in Line: With only one cop?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, no, it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill?
[points to Monk, up on the hillside]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's a cop. And this guy here is a police officer.
[points to Disher]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh these guys are great. Oh, I hope they do 'Killer Machine.'
[calls out]
Lt. Randall Disher: KILLER MACHINE!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [over walkie-talkie] He says it was locked and bolted from the outside.
Adrian Monk: [over walkie-talkie, standing on the hillside] They could have rigged the lock. Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. You know it would help a lot if you stood a little closer.
Adrian Monk: That's not going to happen. Over.
Kendra Frank: [to Natalie] So is this how he does it? From 100 feet away?
Natalie Teeger: Not all the time.
[Stottlemeyer opens the door of the port-a-john to look inside]
Annoyed Girl in Line: How long are you going to be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.
Annoyed Girl in Line: With only one cop?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, no, it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He's a cop.
[points to Monk on the hillside]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And this guy here is a police officer.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh these guys are great! Oh I hope they do "Killer Machine!"
[calls out]
Lt. Randall Disher: KILLER MACHINE!
[Natalie and Kendra Frank look unimpressed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk, over walkie-talkie] Uh, I'm checking out the lock here. There are some scratches.
Adrian Monk: Are they recent? Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, there's no rust.
[He finds a piece of wire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I've got a little piece of wire here.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Dog (#8.11)" (2009)
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [talking to a search party] Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.
Lt. Randall Disher: Although any dead body would be of interest to us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.

Adrian Monk: [about Shelby] This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Like?
Adrian Monk: Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.

Lt. Randall Disher: Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Adrian Monk: How?
Lt. Randall Disher: She could bark at him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion (#5.6)" (2006)
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain. I uh, tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. Number One: it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He got a waiver.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lt. Randall Disher: Right, Number Two: he's dead. He died in 1995, and Number Three: He moved to Europe in the late 80s, so there's no record of him ever returning to the United States...
[Stottlemeyer interrupts]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Randy? Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but could you repeat Number Two again?
Lt. Randall Disher: Okey-doke. Uh, he's dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right... See, I probably would have stopped reading after Number Two. In fact I would have read Number Two first.
Lt. Randall Disher: You would have switched them?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [examining a crime scene] A lot of gravity in these stairwells.
[to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just used the elevator. Why didn't she? Was it broken?
[Randy starts to check his notes]
Lt. Randall Disher: Uhhhh...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you don't know, just say it.
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a cop standing over Katherine Rutherford's body] Hey are there any beads down there?
Uniform Cop: No sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she slipped on the beads, why didn't any of them roll away?
[Randy looks in his notebook]
Lt. Randall Disher: Beads, beads, beads...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know. Randy, this is wrong.
[He picks up an intact portion of necklace and walks down to the body]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This is very wrong.
[to the officers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lift up her head.
[Stottlemeyer puts the intact portion of the necklace around Katherine's neck, but it doesn't fit]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It doesn't fit; it's too small. Okay, we're changing gears. Lock down this stairwell from the basement to the roof. Call the watch commander; this is now a homicide investigation.

[Randy is at his desk, and noticing something, he rushes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? The lapel pin. I just remembered where I saw it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When?
Lt. Randall Disher: Just now at my desk.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No I mean... tell me about the pin, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk. He's been wearing the same pin all week for his 25th college reunion.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you're right. Did the victim go to Berkeley?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she worked there. She was a nurse at the university clinic for, like, 20 years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But she didn't graduate, so this isn't her pin.
Lt. Randall Disher: The killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It fell off the killer... which means the killer is at the reunion... with Monk?

"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy (#2.8)" (2003)
Lt. Randall Disher: The Sapphire Mansion? I've never been. Have you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, once.
Sharona Fleming: Did you tell Karen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, I did. In couples' counseling. We were playing the honesty game.
Lt. Randall Disher: Red Roof Inn?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. It was before they put that new wallpaper in the lobby.

[on learning that Monk and Sharona are on their way to the Sapphire Mansion]
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, sir, I think Monk may be on to something here. Maybe we should tag along.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, I think you're right.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, God...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, I'm married, not dead.

Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, my God. We're really here. We're in his bedroom. Pinch me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
Lt. Randall Disher: I didn't mean really pinch me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, shut up. We're done talking about pinching.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized (#7.8)" (2008)
Adrian Monk: She's a liar.
[makes farting noises]
Adrian Monk: There is no way she spent three days in that cabin. No way.
Lt. Randall Disher: And why not?
Adrian Monk: There's no TV, so it's impossible. She would've died.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this?
[reads label]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Disher Mint?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I made it myself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the gum?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, from a kit... I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.
Natalie Teeger: [making a face] Tar?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. No, it's Diet Blueberry.
[Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum]
Lt. Randall Disher: Too much citric acid?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, hell. Where'd it go?
[looks around for the gum]

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You should stay in the car.
Adrian Monk: Do I have to?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, no. You're the boss.
Adrian Monk: [gets out of the car] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Natalie Teeger: You want to run around?
Adrian Monk: [sees Stottlemeyer] Ah, there's the Captain! Come on!
[runs over]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [calling out instructions to the search party, looking for Sally Larkin] Terrain's a little rough out there! Try to stay in formation. Eyes forward and down.
Lt. Randall Disher: We're looking for anything unusual! Freshly dug dirt! Signs of a struggle! Articles of clothing!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Any questions?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. What if we win?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] What do we win?
Adrian Monk: If we find the body?
Lt. Randall Disher: You don't win anything.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher, who are a little surprised at what Monk has said, look at each other, unable to find out what he has been up to]

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Blackout (#3.3)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, these are night vision goggles. Turn the lights back off! I'll have the advantage. Turn them off!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [interrupting Randy, who is mentioning the evidence pointing to Winston Brenner] Read the rest of the file, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: What part?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The part here where it says he died: "Deceased, 1995." Blew himself up before the trial.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's dead.

[the team arrives at a construction site to talk to Alby Drake about Winston Brenner]
Alby Drake: No, I'm not being reasonable. I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!
[Monk and Sharona arrive]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: Who is he?
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree hugger.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend. They were roommates at MIT.
Adrian Monk: How long has he been up there?
Construction Foreman: Ten days. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.
[Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The FBI - in their infinite wisdom - now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Rapper (#6.2)" (2007)
Lt. Randall Disher: [just tried to sing on of Murderuss's songs] I could've done it right if I had a boombox,
[pointing to Stottlemeyer]
Lt. Randall Disher: but he wouldn't let me bring one in.
Murderuss: [to Stottlemeyer] I owe you one.

Lt. Randall Disher: [Raps out an excerpt of Murderuss's song "Car Bomb"] "I'll put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is/Under your seat, like Oprah giving prizes." Sound familiar?
Murderuss: Not the way you do it.

Murderuss: I am not going to be putting a bomb under somebody's towncar. You know me, I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well not according to this.
[holds out the CD]
Lt. Randall Disher: Track 4. A little song called "Car Bomb."
[imitates rapping]
Lt. Randall Disher: "Ch, ch, ch. I put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is / under your seat like Oprah giving prizes."
[stops rapping]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sound familiar?
Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.
Murderuss: Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I've met Kevin Costner.

"Monk: Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra (#3.11)" (2005)
Natalie Teeger: Lieutenant, you realize that if Sonny Chow is alive, he's killed at least two people.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah?
Natalie Teeger: You'd have to arrest him.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd get to meet him.
Natalie Teeger: He might even try to kill you.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so? Wow, that would be so cool! Sonny Chow...

[Sonny Chow's coffin is exhumed after six years]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you're the expert. Is it him or not?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's hard to say. I mean, Sonny had a lot more hair... and skin.

Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. Well, at least I got to have my picture with Sonny Chow.
Natalie Teeger: You took a picture?

"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather (#3.5)" (2004)
Disher: You know, some people think I'm dangerous.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, people driving behind you.

[the FBI want Monk to wear a wire for a meeting with a mob boss]
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, let me show you this. You see, these days we can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list]
Adrian Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you?
[Colmes nods]
Adrian Monk: Okay, no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona Fleming: What if you had to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Right, good point. Number Four...
Adrian Monk: Even if I *die*, don't let them do Number Four.
Disher: Number Five?
Adrian Monk: ...Okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona Fleming: That's only for women!
Disher: Oh! Right.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... I can do that.
Agent Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Adrian Monk: Not Four.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks into the room, speaking to an agent] Hey! I showed them my ID downstairs. I just got to talk to my friend! You reaching for your gun? If you're reaching for your gun, you'd better pull it. Stand aside.
[says hello to Monk, then turns to Colmes]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Colmes! What do you think you're doing?
Agent Colmes: This is a federal operation, Captain. You have no business being here.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, neither does he. What's going on?
Sharona Fleming: They want Adrian to go undercover in the Lucarelli family.
[Disher looks at a photo of Sharona speaking with Fat Tony outside Salvatore's restaurant]
Disher: What's up with this picture of you and Fat Tony?
Sharona Fleming: Nothing! And don't call him that!
[She finds it offensive, because Fat Tony isn't fat any more]
Disher: What? Are you defending him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Colmes] Why don't you start by telling them about what happened to the last agent that tried to infiltrate the family? That means start by telling them where we found the body buried!
Sharona Fleming: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Buried?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually the parts that they found.
Agent Colmes: Okay, that's a different situation. That agent's cover was blown. Monk's been invited in. They already know that he's a cop.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show (#4.10)" (2006)
Natalie Teeger: [notices how Lt. Disher is striking a pose with one foot on a rock and his elbow resting on his knee] What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: What?... I'm standing.
Lt. Randall Disher: This is how I stand.
[Notices how Natalie is dressed in evening wear]
Lt. Randall Disher: What are you wearing?
Natalie Teeger: Clothes, this is how I dress.
Lt. Randall Disher: This is how I stand.
Natalie Teeger: This is how I dress-s-s.

[after receiving a compliment from Julian Hodge about his looks, Randy has taken to wearing expensive suits]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I don't have one. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry.
[points to his head]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'll remember it.

Natalie Teeger: She swears he's innocent.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: I know. That's the toughest part of the job, the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not going to miss.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where are you going?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Didn't you hear? I'm retiring. There's a party for me on Saturday if you want to come.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sweet.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're retiring? How old are you?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: 46.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you win the lottery?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: No, I've been investing. Real estate. What have you been doing with your savings?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [mulls it over] Uhhh... Eating. You know, I think I need to talk to my accountant.
Natalie Teeger: What, you have an accountant?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope. Going to have to go find an accountant, and then I'm going to talk to him.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend (#6.4)" (2007)
Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?
Natalie Teeger: [dumbstruck] What? No!
Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco might have killed her partner.
Lt. Randall Disher: Can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Am I in love with you?

Natalie Teeger: Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
Lt. Randall Disher: There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?
Lt. Randall Disher: My crazy theories. Like what?
Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco on a jetpack?
Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Is on the Run: Part 1 (#6.15)" (2008)
Lt. Randall Disher: It's funny, this is the kind of case Monk always solves. You know, not funny ha ha funny, you know, more like, not funny at all funny.

Natalie Teeger: [makes smoothie by using a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.
Lt. Randall Disher: [Notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?
Natalie Teeger: That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just lubricates your organs.
[puts down the glass and picks up the drill]
Natalie Teeger: Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.
[She walks into the living room, and picks up Mitch's old uniform before going to the bathroom. Randy looks at the revolting smoothie for a few moments before taking a sip from it. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom. It is revealed that Natalie is running the shower so as to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]
Natalie Teeger: Quiet! He's still in the kitchen.
[gets the uniform out]
Natalie Teeger: It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.
Adrian Monk: Oh no. I can't wear that.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.
Adrian Monk: No, it's all dusty.
Natalie Teeger: You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!
Adrian Monk: OK.
[He prepares to put on the uniform]
Natalie Teeger: [gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.
Adrian Monk: Is this all you had?
Natalie Teeger: It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later.
[Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]
Natalie Teeger: Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, thank you.
Natalie Teeger: You're going to thank me, find what happened, and come home?

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse (#8.7)" (2009)
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [entering Reverend Jorgensen's Voodoo Boutique] Whoa, Look at this place. It's like Halloween the year round.
Lt. Randall Disher: Lucky bath crystals.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Incense powder. Money powder. Guaranteed to cure all financial woes.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, you should buy it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can't afford it.

Lt. Randall Disher: Natalie, it's just a doll.
Natalie Teeger: You really don't believe in it? Witchcraft, voodoo?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm a pisces. We're not superstitious.

"Monk: Mr. Monk's 100th Case (#7.7)" (2008)
Lt. Randall Disher: [being interviewed] Uh yeah, he has some idiosyncracies...
James Novak: Like what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Fear of heights, uh, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
Natalie Teeger: Crowds, elevators, fire...
Lt. Randall Disher: Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Natalie Teeger: Boats...
Lt. Randall Disher: Decaffinated coffee...
Natalie Teeger: Lightning...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The wind, he's afraid of the wind...
Lt. Randall Disher: Egg whites...
Natalie Teeger: Bad.
Lt. Randall Disher: Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.

Lt. Randall Disher: [as they find evidence that links Douglas Thurman to the murders] I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
First SWAT Team: The what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man (#6.8)" (2007)
Lt. Randall Disher: [Captain Stottlemeyer tells Randy to look into a 14 years old murder case] It wasn't my case.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, what did... Did you just say it wasn't your case?
Lt. Randall Disher: No Sir! I said your cousin has a face.

Lt. Randall Disher: [repeated throughout the episode] It wasn't me!

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas (#3.14)" (2005)
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, where are my pants?
Lt. Randall Disher: You threw them out the window.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why did I do that?
Lt. Randall Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
[Stottlemeyer looks down, and sees a dollar tucked in the waistband of his boxer shorts]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like she paid off.

[Randy's about to go back into the Casino]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, give me the money. You'll get it back when we get home.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm not ten years old.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true. Give me the money!
[snatches it out of Randy's hands so he can't lose anymore]

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival (#1.5)" (2002)
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy. Did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Have a seat.
[Randy does]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Randall Disher: Was he, uh...?
[motions to his head]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and organize the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a Hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine. You know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Randall Disher: Horse tranquilizers, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water. Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.

Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Falls in Love (#7.6)" (2008)
[upon first seeing Leyla]
Adrian Monk: She's beautiful.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, like Mother Theresa. Only hotter.
Natalie Teeger: Only hotter? You are gonna get struck by lightning.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what we know: we're looking for a woman whose initials are LZ, maybe she's a dancer, she likes to travel or works with people who travel, and she was born between July 23rd and July 31st.
Lt. Randall Disher: [shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding (#4.7)" (2005)
[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
Natalie Teeger: Hey, is Parnell still dating that parole officer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Lt. Randall Disher: I have my own tux and everything.
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kind of cute.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.

[Stottlemeyer is showing photos of the wedding guests to Randy]
Lt. Randall Disher: No... no...
Adrian Monk: Do you have one of Theresa?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bride? Sure.
[flips through the photos]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh... uh... well, there's the side of her head. That's weird, I don't have a good shot of her.
[Monk looks up. They share a look, then Stottlemeyer nudges Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, could it have been a woman?
Lt. Randall Disher: [woozy] I don't know... I guess so.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man (#2.5)" (2003)
[Lt. Disher enters Capt. Stottlemeyer's office]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, why am I fielding these calls?
Disher: Your wife's here.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Okay... stall her.
Disher: How?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I need a few minutes, just talk to her.
Disher: Well, what does she like to talk about?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: ...How I ruined her life.
[while Disher stalls Karen, Stottlemeyer hurriedly stashes away his cigars, his pistol, and his stuffed duck, hangs a Native American dreamcatcher on his desk lamp, and finally sets up a miniature waterfall. Without any water to run it with, he fills it with coffee from a pot. Later, after Karen enters:]
Karen Stottlemeyer: You like the waterfall?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes.
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's calming you down?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Karen Stottlemeyer: [notices] Is that coffee?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: It's a "Coffeefall".

Disher: [presenting an idea to Stottlemeyer] Enrico Palamo - he was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.
Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh my God.
Disher: Somebody is killing record holders.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You think we ought to warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or maybe we ought to put up a 24 hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees?
Disher: I can never tell when you are being sarcastic.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm being sarcastic, Randy! Get the book out of here!
Disher: Yes, sir.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing (#5.4)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: I'm now half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I'm...
Lt. Randall Disher: ...5/16ths of a man.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, no wait. 3/8ths of a man.

[Monk makes his way around the firehouse, as cops and firemen watch and wait]
Adrian Monk: Now, the table is here.
[He's pointing at the foldout chairs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Monk. The table... is here.
[He points Monk's hand at the table]
Adrian Monk: Right. Which puts the pole right there.
[Stottlemeyer redirects his hand]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Pole's there.
Adrian Monk: I can't do this.
Natalie Teeger: You can do this. Mr. Monk, just concentrate, okay? Just try to picture the room. You can do this, you have an amazing memory!
Adrian Monk: Oh right. I forgot about my amazing memory.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, what we can't figure is what the guy was doing here. What was he looking for?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Is anything missing?
Capt. Stockton: I don't think so. There's nothing here worth taking. No money, nothing. It doesn't make any sense.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's do this.
[Stottlemeyer and Natalie get Monk into the chair he was sitting in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You and Rusty were sitting here, you were checking the smoke detectors.
Adrian Monk: Right, and then this man, entered from over there. He walked around the truck slowly, like he was trying not to be noticed.
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Lt. RAndy Disher here. I'm speaking to you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to tell the man that you're speaking to him!
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notebook] OK. You know who this is, and that I'm speaking to you, and in your statement, you said that you could hear him, that his shoes were squeaking.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Lt. Randall Disher: And that he was tall, heavyset, about 6'1", with sandy hair, and wearing a leather jacker.
Adrian Monk: That's right. And then Rusty walked over to him, around the back of the truck. Then I heard this big noise, and I walked around the truck.
[He copies his movements from that day. He feels for the truck]
Adrian Monk: Where is the truck?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The truck's been moved, Monk. You're good.
Adrian Monk: And I saw Rusty on the floor, and the man was carrying a shovel in his hands.
Lt. Randall Disher: You said you could smell him, that he'd been drinking.
Adrian Monk: Rum, he smelled like rum!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We got that, Randy! Is there anything else? Anything new? Anything you forgot to mention?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't think so.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Paperboy (#2.10)" (2004)
Malcolm Cowley: Is there a problem?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was reading about you in the newspaper.
[Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes. First you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost.
Malcolm Cowley: That's right. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. It is if you were in fact intentionally damaging your car so you would avoid having to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article.
[turns to a front page article]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
Lt. Randall Disher: [looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood.

Adrian Monk: I cleaned last night.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you sleep at all?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He can sleep when he cleans. I've seen it.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece (#6.14)" (2008)
Lt. Randall Disher: Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing?
[He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!
Lt. Randall Disher: It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.
Natalie Teeger: Exhibit A?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!
Natalie Teeger: You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.
[Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy once more]
Natalie Teeger: Ow! Burn it! BURN IT!
Lt. Randall Disher: [to the other cops] Grab that painting!
Natalie Teeger: [shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!

Lt. Randall Disher: [gets caught up in a spider's web, and mistakes it for a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
Bennie Wentworth: [walks over] What's going on? Did you break this bike?
[points to a broken bike lying on the ground]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry.
Bennie Wentworth: You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
Natalie Teeger: It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?
Bennie Wentworth: I know. I can tell. Look.
[He picks up the bicycle, and points to a twisted up wheel]
Bennie Wentworth: This wheel is all bent! 40 bucks!
Lt. Randall Disher: 40 bucks. No way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
Bennie Wentworth: Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story.
[back to Randy]
Bennie Wentworth: I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
[regarding the broken bike]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm not paying for it!
Adrian Monk: What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.
Adrian Monk: [referring to the dead man] He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
Bennie Wentworth: Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
Adrian Monk: The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. An eclectic spree.
Natalie Teeger: Do you have any enemies?
Bennie Wentworth: None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief!
[points at Randy]
Bennie Wentworth: 20 bucks.
[Bennie makes another attempt at bargaining with Randy about the broken bike's price]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, give him five bucks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine.
[He takes five bucks out of his own wallet and pays Bennie]
Adrian Monk: I wonder what happened to his partner.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What partner?
Adrian Monk: Well it's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks.
[Randy starts to walk away, and Stottlemeyer stops him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! Your bike.
[Randy reluctantly walks back and picks up the broken bike. He carries it away with him]

"Monk: Mr. Monk Is on the Air (#5.13)" (2007)
Adrian Monk: I think he's the guy.
Natalie Teeger: Me too, at least I hope he is.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
Adrian Monk: According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Natalie Teeger: Which is the maximum dosage.
Adrian Monk: And it was Max's suggestion.
Natalie Teeger: He went to their doctor personally to fill those prescriptions.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold...
[Disher blushes in the background]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Something funny?
Lt. Randall Disher: S-sorry.
Adrian Monk: He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-
[Randy blushes again]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Do you want to share it with the rest of the class?

Natalie Teeger: [after Randy mentions having listened to Monk's first attempt to question Max Hudson] Oh my god, you listen to that creep?
Lt. Randall Disher: I think he's great... ing, degrading to women.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever (#3.12)" (2005)
Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She'll probably break up with me!

Adrian Monk, Disher: [together] Oh, my God! I've got it! Here's what happened...

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny (#2.13)" (2004)
Julie Parlo: [walks up to Stottlemeyer] Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Julie Parlo: Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?

[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god!
Sharona Fleming: [seeing through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona Fleming: What's that on your face?
Lt. Randall Disher: Dirt.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy.
[Monk does so]

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Critic (#8.6)" (2009)
Natalie Teeger: He did it! I don't know how he did it, but he did it.
Lt. Randall Disher: [points to Monk] That's what he always says.

Lt. Randall Disher: We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything?
Miranda: Maybe his name began with a J?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you just write that down?
Lt. Randall Disher: I put a question mark after it.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Married (#2.15)" (2004)
[Monk and Sharona come to see Disher, late at night]
Sharona Fleming: Have you been drinking?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

[Disher is suspicious of his mother's new, young husband]
Lt. Randall Disher: I know she's not the prettiest woman in the world, but she's my mom, and I love her... but how could anybody else?

"Monk: Mr. Monk, Private Eye (#5.5)" (2006)
Lt. Randall Disher: The sign said that you were the number one realtor in Northern California.
Linda Fusco: [sarcastically] Tell me something I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drolly] The elephant's the only mammal that can't jump.
Linda Fusco: [perplexed] Pardon me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You said tell you something you don't know, and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.

[Natalie, Stottlemeyer, and Disher finally locate Monk in the sea]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk! Twenty degrees to port.
Lt. Randall Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.
Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, Lt. Randall Disher, Natalie Teeger: Uhhh...

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door (#7.12)" (2009)
Lt. Randall Disher: I come here every year on my birthday. Kind of a family-tradition.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [smiles] When you were a kid.
[looks at Randy who silently looks back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You meant when you were a kid.
[Randy still looks without a word]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Say yes Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: [reluctantly] Yes.

Lt. Randall Disher: [after stating a far-fetched theory involving science-fiction] Well, if it were a movie you'd believe me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If it were a movie I gotta walk out Randy

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife (#2.14)" (2004)
Lt. Randall Disher: [the entire police department is suiting up for an armed assault on a suspect; phone rings] Okay... Captain! That was Monk!
Lt. Randall Disher: [the entire squad room freezes] He said he solved the case.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He what?
Lt. Randall Disher: He says it's not a union thing.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Is he sure?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at the Captain like "duh"] He's Monk.

Lt. Randall Disher: So far, it looks completely random. A sniper on Highway 1 fired a shot, took out the tow truck's driver, and it spun out of control into...
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Into Karen! Who was it?
Lt. Randall Disher: ...We don't have him, yet.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I want everybody...
Lt. Randall Disher: You got them, sir.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Earthquake (#1.11)" (2002)
Lt. Randall Disher: So, uh... what's it like, having Adrian Monk as a house guest?
Gail Fleming: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy.
Lt. Randall Disher: And...?
Gail Fleming: And, that's what it's like!

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Miracle (#7.9)" (2008)
[Monk and Natalie notice that Randy has grown a mustache]
Natalie Teeger: What is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: What?
Natalie Teeger: On your face. On your lip.
Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit about a mustache.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job.
[Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, fixed on his new mustache]
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie Teeger: You're making me a little uncomfortable.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico (#2.2)" (2003)
[Stottlemeyer and Disher have been told that Monk is dead]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: In a way, given what he had to deal with, he was the bravest man I've ever known. I measured everything I did against him. He was my yardstick. I never told him that.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm sure he knew, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [laughs] I'm sure he did. The son of a bitch knew everything. I want a full-dress funeral. I want the governor there. I want the entire department there with black armbands and white gloves.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, Monk wasn't on active duty. We can't go full dress.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors or I quit! I'm gonna tell you something, Randy, and I'm not ashamed to admit this: I loved that man.
[phone rings and Stottlemeyer answers]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: This is Stottlemeyer. Yes.
[he is told that Monk is not dead]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I understand.
[puts down the phone]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] I hate that man. I HATE THAT MAN!
[He's realized he'll now have to cancel all his funeral plans]

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Three Pies (#2.11)" (2004)
Lt. Randall Disher: [as Sharona digs through the cherry pie] Actually this is one of my fantasies. Except it's not a pie. And you're not in it.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike (#5.2)" (2006)
[watching Monk trying to clean up San Francisco's garbage single-handedly]
Lt. Randall Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You could say that, but don't.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan (#3.1)" (2004)
Lt. Randall Disher: [about his new "Rolex" watch] I can tell you what time it is all around the world.
[looks at watch]
Lt. Randall Disher: It's 5:30 here; in Denver, 3:30; in California, 12:17; in Paris, France... time has stopped.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Daredevil (#6.7)" (2007)
[Randy is reciting a car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search]
Lt. Randall Disher: First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Tsumani"?
Lt. Randall Disher: Silent "T".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".
Lt. Randall Disher: What's the difference?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It doesn't... The "T" is silent.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not completely silent. "Tsumami".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. All right. Let's go.
Lt. Randall Disher: Second letter, "P" as in...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "P" as in "Paul".
Lt. Randall Disher: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Too late. I typed it. "P".
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's how who does it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Society. We live in a society.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, we do, Randy. Meanwhile, the "P's" been sitting on my screen for 10 minutes.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "L".
Lt. Randall Disher: As in... No, we'll come back to that one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, we can't come back to it, Randy.
[the phone rings and the Captain answers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoever this is, thank you very much for callling.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure (#6.6)" (2007)
Lt. Randall Disher: Can't you just say I had a hunch?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's an official report. You had to pee. That's what goes in the report.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Is Someone Else (#8.4)" (2009)
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd like to meet him.
Natalie Teeger: Who's that?
Lt. Randall Disher: My twin, my doppelganger. I wonder if I could take him.
Natalie Teeger: You mean in a fight?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I bet I could take him. Man versus doppelganger.
[In line with Man vs. Man, Man vs. Nature, Man vs. Self, etc]

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Red Herring (#3.10)" (2005)
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well? Does anyone have any ideas?
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Does anyone besides Randy have any ideas?

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy (#5.15)" (2007)
Medical Examiner: Blow to the back of the head, knocking him unconscious...
Natalie Teeger: Oh, no.
Medical Examiner: Petichial hemorrhaging, indicating suffocation...
Natalie Teeger: Oh, no.
Medical Examiner: Small puncture wound, injected with poison...
Natalie Teeger: Oh, no!
Medical Examiner: four stab wounds, two gunshots to the chest, and tire tracks across the upper torso.
Lt. Randall Disher: So the cause of death was...?
Medical Examiner: Pretty much everything.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Visits a Farm (#5.14)" (2007)
Lt. Randall Disher: Unless I'm wrong... which I probably am...

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital (#5.16)" (2007)
Hospital Administrator: [about a possible suspect] Uhm, Lieutenant, that's the geriatric ward. If he's a patient up there, he's at least eighty years old.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well then we'd better move fast.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs (#7.13)" (2009)
Lt. Randall Disher: Tell Bob Costas Randy Disher says hi.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Does he know you?
Lt. Randall Disher: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well then, won't that just confuse him?
Lt. Randall Disher: Only one way to find out.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes Home Again (#4.2)" (2005)
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
Young Cashier: I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [pausing] Yeah, I guess it does.
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Young Cashier: No, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
Young Cashier: Mm-hmm.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Eight items at 89 cents.
Young Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
Lt. Randall Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Buys a House (#7.1)" (2008)
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Cassie Drake's house to check out Monk's suspicions on Joseph Mood, as Monk complains about the messiness of "Honest" Jake's repairs]
Adrian Monk: You should've warned me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did.
Adrian Monk: Well, why didn't you tie me down and shoot me in the leg? What's the good of having a gun if you don't shoot your friend in the leg when he's about to buy an old house?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Next time I will. I promise.
[They come up to the door. Stottlemeyer knocks on the door. With no response, he knocks a Morse code message, presumably in Morse code. He and Disher exchange laughs. Randy in turn taps another message back to Stottlemeyer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey did you ever hear about the...?
[taps another message back to Randy. They burst out laughing]
Natalie Teeger: That's not the way I heard it. My husband was in the Navy. Remember?
[Stottlemeyer knocks on the door with a different code]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Miss Drake!
[He pulls on the door, which is unlocked. Cautiously and fearing something bad, he pulls open the door. They see the stabbed body of Cassie Drake on the floor]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!
[Stottlemeyer and Disher head inside while Monk and Natalie stay back]
Lt. Randall Disher: Stay there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Phone it in!
[Cuts to a police officer stretching crime scene tape across the patio as the medical examiner's van comes to a stop by the police cars. Inside the house, CSI techs take photos of the body as Monk and Natalie stand by]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still no murder weapon. Doc says knitting needle. So what do you think? He was tossing the place when she walked in on him?
Adrian Monk: I-I don't think so. Look at the drawers. They were pulled out and flipped over, but everything's just piled up. He didn't really rifle through them. He was here for her.
[Disher comes out of another room carrying a bag]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain. I, uh, found this in her closet.
[holds the bag up]
Lt. Randall Disher: $4,000 grand, all $20s and $50s.
Natalie Teeger: Gee, I should've gone to nursing school.
[Monk examines the bills closely]
Adrian Monk: 1967, 1966.
Adrian Monk: These are 40 years old. Some of the serial numbers are sequential.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll call Treasury. Maybe they can trace it. Wanna come with?
Adrian Monk: Nah, I should probably go home, assuming it's still there.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine (#3.9)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: [as "the Monk"] How you doing, Toy Store?
Disher: What did you call me?
Adrian Monk: Toy Store. Your name's Disher. Dish, plate, Plato, Play-Doh. And where do you buy Play-Doh?
Disher: [resigns] Toy Store.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank (#6.12)" (2008)
Lt. Randall Disher: [attempts to question the Living Statue performer about what he saw, to no success] Excuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning.
[the Living Statue doesn't hear him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir?
[pause. Still no response]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute.
[takes out his badge and flashes it]
Lt. Randall Disher: If you're not too busy.
[pause. Still no response]
Lt. Randall Disher: OK, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked.
[Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh. I get it.
[waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into his collection box]
Lt. Randall Disher: Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did arrive at the park this morning, sir?
[Still no response]
Lt. Randall Disher: OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.
[the Living Statue's alarm goes off, and he steps off his pedestal, indicating that it's his break time]
Living Statue: It's my break, man.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, thank you. That's more like it.
Living Statue: [Groans] This is my job. I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and
Living Statue: in your face, huh?
[He yells in anger again]
Living Statue: Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9:00?
Living Statue: Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see his face?
Living Statue: He had his hood up. Sorry.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. Hood up. And then what happened?
Living Statue: Oh, about 10 minutes later, the alarm went off. And I saw...
[his break alarm goes off, signalling the end of his break. He steps back up on his pedestal and freezes in place]
Lt. Randall Disher: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
[No response. Disher laughs for a second]
Lt. Randall Disher: No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Don't. Don't do that.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, we're not done here. What did you see?

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Actor (#5.1)" (2006)
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: [talking on fake cellphone] Uh look, I know he's a bit eccentric, but Adrian Monk is the best damn investigator I've ever had so you tell the mayor if he goes I go.
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: That's right.
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Lt. Disher! Lt. Disher, you got a minute?
Actress Playing Disher: [Actor Playing Disher walks in] Yes Captain.
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Uh what the hell do I say? I got it. The victim, the victim just received a check for fifty-thousand dollars. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?
Actress Playing Disher: I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.
[gets closer to Actor Playing Stottlemeyer]
Actor Playing Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
Actress Playing Disher: I'm doing what you taught me to do Captain, following my instincts.
[she and Actor Playing Stottlemeyer start kissing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That never happened.
Lt. Randall Disher: Not even once.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Fights City Hall (#7.16)" (2009)
Lt. Randall Disher: [Eating a hot dog] What's that, beef or pork?
Hotdog vendor: We use "meat".
[Makes 'air quotes' with his fingers when he says "meat"]
Natalie Teeger: Wh- why do you say it like that?
George Gionopolis: We are required by law to put it in quotes.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Is Up All Night (#6.9)" (2007)
[Lt. Disher has arrived at a night time crime scene wearing "Captain America" pyjamas]
Adrian Monk: Let's go.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Should we take my car or your invisible plane?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's Wonder Woman.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?

"Monk: Mr. Monk on Wheels (#7.11)" (2009)
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to track down John Kuramoto in the aftermath of Monk getting shot, and are interrogating his cousin Vince]
Lt. Randall Disher: You don't know where he is? Well, you're staying at his house, Vince.
Vince Kuramoto: Hey, man. I'm just crashing there for a few days. He's my cousin.
Lt. Randall Disher: Where do you think he is, Vince?
[Vince speaks loud and clearly into the microphone]
Vince Kuramoto: I don't know.
[hits the microphone with his hand. Stottlemeyer puts it back upright]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Tough guy, ehh?
[shows the bullet, in an evidence bag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look at this. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Lt. Randall Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: Former what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. He shot someone who used to be a cop.
Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?
Lt. Randall Disher: I did, it's the same thing.
Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing at all, it's not even close.
[Stottlemeyer is getting very fed up by now]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh for God's sakes! What are you two, married or what? Look, it's not complicated, Vince! If you know where your cousin is and you aren't telling us, that makes you an accessory after the fact.
Lt. Randall Disher: For aiding and abetting.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For attempted murder, which is a very very *VERY* long *goodbye*! Let me put this way, your parole officer: he hasn't been born yet.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Stays in Bed (#4.3)" (2005)
Natalie: Does it ever get to you, seeing people dead?
Disher: It did for a while. But I got used to it.
Natalie: It must be awful, getting used to it.
Disher: Yeah, it was pretty awful, but I got used to it. That's the worst part, you know, getting used to it. Something you never really get used to.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Makes a Friend (#5.11)" (2007)
Lt. Randall Disher: Oeh, I'll take Pearl Jam. Good seats?
Adrian Monk: No, sorry, they're right next to the stage.