Sharona Fleming
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Quotes for
Sharona Fleming (Character)
from "Monk" (2002)

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"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Three Pies (#2.11)" (2004)
Sharona Fleming: You have a brother? What does he do?
Adrian Monk: He writes instruction manuals for blenders... and toaster ovens.

[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]
Adrian Monk: What's that for?
Sharona Fleming: For making my family seem normal.

Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, come with us.
Ambrose Monk: Oh, no, I can't.
Sharona Fleming: You're just gonna hide inside this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose Monk: That's my plan, yes.

Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, you know what? Adrian's scared, too. All the time. But he doesn't let it stop him. Okay, now you tell me: what does he have that you don't have?
Ambrose Monk: He has you.

Adrian Monk: So, Ambrose, what am I...? Why am I here?
Ambrose Monk: Believe it or not, I need your help. It's about my next door neighbor. His name is Pat van Ranken.
Sharona Fleming: What about him?
Ambrose Monk: I'm eighty-five to ninety percent sure that he killed his wife.

Sharona Fleming: Well, at least you two are talking.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, because that is it! I am never setting foot in that house again, okay? I have my own problems!
Sharona Fleming: Really? I never noticed.
Adrian Monk: Okay, now you're being sardonic.

Adrian Monk: He was at the park all last night.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.
Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which are found...
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: Near water...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: Wow!
Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.

[Monk and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he...
[he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken again]
Adrian Monk: You see, Sharona, what happened was...
[he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner]
Adrian Monk: I have no idea.

Sharona Fleming: How did you remember that?
Ambrose Monk: It's a gift, and a curse.

Sharona Fleming: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm his assistant, Sharona Fleming. Who's this? Hold on.
[to Monk]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian? You have a brother?
[pause; everyone looks up, surprised]
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir. You must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, don't answer it! I... I might have a brother.
Sharona Fleming: You told me you were an only child.
Adrian Monk: I consider myself an only child. Look, we're not close. He has issues.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian Monk: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!

Ambrose Monk: [about Adrian] You should have seen him. Going into stores and buying things all by himself when he was 15. Driving a car when he was 23. Going out on dates - going out on dates with women, at twenty-six years of age!
Sharona Fleming: He's a regular Evel Knievel.

[Stottlemeyer has come to Ambrose's house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [noticing the stuffed filing cabinet] What's with the filing cabinet?
Sharona Fleming: Mail.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mail?
Sharona Fleming: 30 years worth of mail.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. That makes sense. Not to me, but...
[Adrian interrupts]

Sharona Fleming: Ambrose... come with us!
Ambrose Monk: Me? No, no, no.
Sharona Fleming: You just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose Monk: That's my plan... yes.

[Ambrose leads Adrian and Sharona into another room of the house]
Sharona Fleming: What's this?
Adrian Monk: Every newspaper printed since 1968.
[Sharona groans]
Ambrose Monk: I am as God made me.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man (#1.9)" (2002)
Adrian Monk: What do we have?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We got a dead girl. She lives on the, uh, 21st floor. Either she slipped or she jumped or she had some help.
Adrian Monk: [looking at Gwen Zaleski's body] It was murder.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, it's a possibility.
Adrian Monk: No, no, it was definitely murder.
Lt. Randall Disher: [sighs] And how could you know that, Monk? You just got here.
Adrian Monk: Her toenails. She was painting them, but she didn't finish that one. She was obviously interrupted.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, isn't that the style now?
Sharona Fleming: [scoffs] Like you know.

Trevor McDowell: [Trevor McDowell shoots a commercial in front of one of his furniture showrooms, playing a boxing referee] Hey! It's me, Trevor McDowell. We've just opened a new furniture showroom right here in San Mateo, right off Route 101.
[the bell dings]
Trevor McDowell: Break!
[His two kids start a mock boxing fight in a mock ring]
Trevor McDowell: [to the camera] Hey, listen, if your family's like mine, the furniture in your house takes a real beating! Okay, keep it clean! Keep it clean! Gloves up!
[Monk, Sharona and Stottlemeyer arrive]
Trevor McDowell: That's why you need furniture that can go the distance. Isn't that right, honey?
Mrs. McDowell: With low prices that'll knock you out!
[One kid starts punching the couch]
Trevor McDowell: Like this couch.
[pulls out a $799.99 sign]
Trevor McDowell: It's regularly $799, but with a quick jab from Tyler...
[Tyler punches the sign]
Trevor McDowell: That old price is T.K.O.'ed!It's yours for only $649!
[pulls out a $649.99 sign]
Adrian Monk: You see that lamp there? It's got...
Sharona Fleming: No! Don't even think about it.
Adrian Monk: But it's not...
Sharona Fleming: Stop. Stop.
Adrian Monk: It's supposed to...
Trevor McDowell: ...Normally it's $1399, but with a mighty blow from Luke, here-
[Luke punches the sign. McDowell pulls out a $1299.99 sign]
Trevor McDowell: Whoa! That old price is down for the count! It's yours for only 1299! Heavyweight furniture at featherweight prices! Tables! Chairs! Sofas! Lamps! Love seats! You name it!
[Monk straightens the lampshade of a table lamp in the background]
Trevor McDowell: At McDowell's, if we can't beat the competition, we'll throw in the towel!
Commercial Director: Cut! Cut!
Trevor McDowell: What?
Commercial Director: Who is that? Get him out of there!
[a crew member ushers Monk away]
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. It was a little-was I-okay, take two.

Trevor McDowell: So, about Gwen. I heard about it on the news, but they said she was murdered. Is that true?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true.
Trevor McDowell: [sighs] That's horrible. Do you have any leads?
Adrian Monk: We're workin' on it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.
Trevor McDowell: Yes, sir. I really screwed up big time.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long have you been screwing up?
Trevor McDowell: I met her two years ago. She was an actress in one of my commercials. She was the girl in the waterbed.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. I remember that one. Yeah, yeah, I liked that commercial.
Adrian Monk: You're a natural in front of the camera.
Trevor McDowell: Oh, thank you.
Adrian Monk: Do you drink tea, Mr. McDowell?
Trevor McDowell: Uh, sometimes, yes.
Adrian Monk: Chamomile tea?
Trevor McDowell: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The building manager said you'd been paying her rent. He also said you called him a month ago to say that you would not be renewing the lease.
Trevor McDowell: That's correct. I was trying to break it off when I realized I made a mistake. My family's my life. Gwen understood that.
Adrian Monk: Did she?
Trevor McDowell: I thought she did. We talked about it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you have an alibi for 7:55 this morning?
[Trevor chuckles]
Trevor McDowell: 7:55, I would have been on... Haight Street.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Anybody see you there?
Trevor McDowell: Oh, yes, about a thousand people. See, I was running in the marathon.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You realize we have several ways to verify that.
Trevor McDowell: Good, because the sooner you clear me, the sooner you can catch the bastard who did this.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [interrogating Arthur, Gwen Zaleski's ex-husband] Mr. Zaleski, how about I call you Arthur?
Arthur Zaleski: Well, you can call me whatever he hell you want.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. How long were you and Gwen married?
Arthur Zaleski: Four years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She walked out, and you still loved her.
Arthur Zaleski: Sure, I had feelings for her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I bet you did.
Arthur Zaleski: Then she picks up with the dinette furniture salesman. TV guy. That's humiliating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were jealous. You became furious.
[Monk starts to try to wipe a smudge off the mirror]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd feel the same way.
Arthur Zaleski: I don't like this, being here.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're not supposed to like being here, Arthur. This is an interrogation room. It's not a sports bar.
[Monk turns to Sharona]
Adrian Monk: I need a wipe.
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Do you have a wipe?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, why were you harassing your ex-wife? We've got the phone records, Artie. You were calling her twice a day. I don't call my wife twice a day.
Arthur Zaleski: I was worried about her.
Lt. Randall Disher: You call it "worried". The judge called it "stalking".
Arthur Zaleski: That was three years ago.
[Monk is using a moist towelette and making a squeaking noise as he tries to rub the smudge off the window. Stottlemeyer has to speak over the squeaking noise]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What happened, Arthur? You went over there to talk, right? You lost your temper trying to talk to her? Everybody has a temper.
Arthur Zaleski: What is that? What is that noise?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. Come on.
[He leaves the room to talk to Monk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, one more time from the top. So, how long were you and Gwen married?
Adrian Monk: How's it going in there?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's going great, except he wants to know what the little squeaky noise behind the mirror is.

Adrian Monk: That might have been me. There's a smudge. I think it's on your side. You can get it when you go back in.
[offers the wipe to Stottlemeyer, but Sharona grabs it]
Sharona Fleming: I'm sorry.
[Monk looks at Arthur through the window]
Adrian Monk: You think he's the guy?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's possible. He had a restraining order against him at one time, which apparently he honored. He says he was at home in bed at the time. I'd say he's a D+, a C-. What do you got?
Adrian Monk: Trevor McDowell.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he was running the marathon. It checked out.
[Randy enters the room]
Adrian Monk: I don't know how he did it, but he's the guy. I'll tell you why: Because Gwen was killed first, *then* she was thrown off the balcony. That's the key. Why would the killer draw attention to himself? There's only one reason: to establish the exact time of death. He wanted everyone to know precisely when she died. Why? Because he had an alibi. An airtight alibi.
Sharona Fleming: What do you think?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do I think? I think it's not possible, because he was wearing a computer chip. And he passed all the checkpoints.
Adrian Monk: I know. You're right. That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Unless he took the chip off and passed it off to another runner.
Adrian Monk: That's interesting.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Maybe he dropped it in another guy's pocket so it looked like he finished the race.
Adrian Monk: That's very interesting. You are a genius.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Anything else I can help you with?
Adrian Monk: Give-give him a wipe. Just give him one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Smudge stays. You go.

[Monk and Sharona are at Tonday Mawwaka's hotel]
Sharona Fleming: You know, I read an article about this hotel. You know how much a suite costs?
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Sharona Fleming: $2,000 a night. You said Tonday was a simple, quiet man, like a poet.
Adrian Monk: So?
Sharona Fleming: So, how many poets could afford to stay here?
Adrian Monk: What are you saying?
Sharona Fleming: I'm saying that he could have made some extra money helping a rich furniture salesman kill his mistress.
Adrian Monk: Shh! That is not possible, okay? It is off the table. End of discussion.
[Sharona looks at the fruit basket on Tonday's coffee table]
Adrian Monk: Don't touch anything.
Sharona Fleming: You're telling me not to touch anything?
Adrian Monk: That's Tonday's fruit.

Adrian Monk: [Monk and Sharona are trying to recreate Trevor McDowell's timetable for the murder. Monk is wearing new sneakers from Tonday] Let it go. It's a coincidence.
Sharona Fleming: You think it's just a coincidence that your hero, Tonday, drinks chamomile tea?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I do. I love these sneakers.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, I see, I see. Whenever I think of something, it's just a coincidence. Whenever you think of something it's a work of genius.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. It was McDowell. He did it.
Sharona Fleming: How?
Adrian Monk: Don't know yet.
Sharona Fleming: Okay. Well, according to this video, Tonday came through here at 47 minutes and 15 seconds, and McDowell was a few seconds behind him.
Adrian Monk: Amazing. Am I touching the ground? Because I don't feel the ground.
[runs in circles around Sharona]
Adrian Monk: Did I mention these were a gift from my friend Tonday?
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm running circles around you. That's how fast I am.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, you think you're faster than me, huh?

Sharona Fleming: [Monk and Sharona have reached a bridge] Okay, after this point, McDowell is no longer visible on the tape.
Adrian Monk: This is it. It's a blind spot right here. You see how the path curves? No room for spectators. If he timed it right, he'd be completely alone. He could duck behind those bushes. Nobody would miss him. When were they here?
Sharona Fleming: Um, one hour and five minutes into the race.
Adrian Monk: Start the watch. We're gonna time this out.
[Sharona does so. They walk behind the bushes]
Adrian Monk: Stop the stopwatch.
Sharona Fleming: What is it?
[Monk picks at some blooms on the grass]
Adrian Monk: Smell it.
Sharona Fleming: Ooh, no.
Adrian Monk: It's chamomile. We'll have the lab check for traces at the crime scene.
Sharona Fleming: What was he doing here?
Adrian Monk: Changing his clothes. Start the stopwatch.
[Sharona does so. Monk bends over and acts like he's changing his clothes]
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Changing my clothes. Would you mind? Please.
[Sharona reluctantly looks away as Monk "removes" his pants]
Adrian Monk: Then he had to get across town.
Sharona Fleming: Oh! There's a road over there.
[They head down there]
Sharona Fleming: He couldn't have parked here. This street was blocked off on Sunday, remember? He couldn't have parked anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe he didn't drive.
Sharona Fleming: Then how did he get across town?
[Monk points at a cable car stop a few feet away. Cuts to Monk and Sharona riding the cable car up the hill]
Adrian Monk: How are we doing?
Sharona Fleming: 17 minutes 20 seconds.
[Monk gets pushed by a passenger]
Sharona Fleming: Why don't you sit down?
[Monk shakes his head]
Sharona Fleming: Well at least hold the pole.
[more headshaking]
Sharona Fleming: How do you explain this? I touch everything you're afraid to touch, and I never get sick.
Adrian Monk: I can't explain it. It's inexplicable.
Sharona Fleming: No. You're inexplicable. So are you gonna tell me?
Adrian Monk: What?
Sharona Fleming: Why you quit running. You said there was an incident.
Adrian Monk: Uh, ancient history.
Sharona Fleming: Come on. You know you're gonna tell me.
Adrian Monk: Okay, fine. May 2, 1974.
[Cuts to a flashback and a young Monk stretching]
Adrian Monk: Our high school track team. We had a great year. We made it to the All-State conference. It was the biggest day of my life. It was all tied up. It came down to the last event: the 1500 meter. Everyone was depending on me.
[the referee raises the starting gun]
Adrian Monk: But just before the gun. I looked down and my laces were, you know, uneven.
[the referee fires the starting gun and everyone takes off, but Young Monk is still at the starting line redoing his laces]
Adrian Monk: It was the first time that I had a problem like that in public.
[as the other runners finish their first lap, Monk throws his shoes in the garbage. End flashback]
Adrian Monk: Never ran again.
Sharona Fleming: That must have been terrible.

Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. I love this chair. It vibrates.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, we are not here to shop. This is our primary suspect.
Sharona Fleming: Well, maybe we can get a primary suspect discount.
[Trevor McDowell spots them]
Trevor McDowell: Well, well, well! If it isn't Mr. Monk and... Sharona, am I right?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Trevor McDowell: What can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: Do you have a minute, sir?
Trevor McDowell: I have all the time in the world. As a matter of fact, there's a sale on all the convertible sofas in stock if you're interested.
Adrian Monk: No, thanks.
Trevor McDowell: I'll make you a great deal. Free home delivery.
Adrian Monk: We're not here to shop.
Sharona Fleming: Although, if it turns out you're innocent. I'd-I'd like to talk to you about that recliner.
Adrian Monk: Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: Um-do you know Tonday Mawwaka?
Trevor McDowell: I know of him. I've never met him, I believe he was running behind me for most of the race.
Adrian Monk: We checked the records. You never turned in your computer chip.
Trevor McDowell: I forgot. And then later I misplaced it.
Adrian Monk: You're crooked.
Trevor McDowell: I beg your pardon?
[Monk walks over and straightens a life-size cardboard cutout of McDowell]
Adrian Monk: Show him the picture.
[Sharona shows Trevor a photo of him at the finish line]
Sharona Fleming: Is that you at the finish line?
Trevor McDowell: Yes.
Sharona Fleming: You ran 26 miles, and you're not sweating?
Trevor McDowell: I don't sweat that much. You know, some runners don't sweat at all. Is that everything?
Adrian Monk: But here's what's been bothering me.
[shows McDowell a photo of him from earlier in the race. We can clearly see that the top part of his shirt is drenched in sweat]
Adrian Monk: This is you around Mile #5. Look at your shirt. It's completely drenched. Here's what happened: You had a problem. Her name was Gwen Zaleski. She didn't want to break it off. Maybe she threatened to tell your wife everything-
[straightens out another life-size cutout of McDowell]
Adrian Monk: -And ruin your perfect little world. So, you disposed of her. You tossed her off the balcony like a bag of garbage.

[first lines. We see several views of the quiet city, and then see the starting gun for the marathon going off]
Sportscaster: [voiceover, overlaid with clips of marathon runners] And there's the starting gun, kicking off the 25th annual Chronicle Marathon, San Francisco. Over 6,000 runners in the race today, and it is perfect running weather. And there is Tonday Mawwaka, number 534.
[We see Tonday, #534, followed closely by Trevor McDowell, #549]
Sportscaster: What a story he is. The legendary "Proud Lion". He's a two time Olympic champion, and he's come all the way from his homeland of Nigeria to run in today's event, which he's referred to as his final lap. Of course, Tonday's threatened to retire before, but if this does turn out to be his valedictory race, it'll be quite a day to remember. Of course, we'll be checking in with his progress all through our continuous coverage of the marathon.
[Monk, wearing a baseball cap, and Sharona arrive on one of the streets]
Sharona Fleming: Two cameras?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. In case one breaks. Where is he?
Sharona Fleming: Well, he won't be near the front. I mean, you know, he's 65 years old.
Adrian Monk: Sixty-three. He's my idol. Did I mention that?
Sharona Fleming: About a million times.
Adrian Monk: No, seriously, Tonday Mawwaka is the greatest runner who ever lived. I saw him run in Los Angeles in 1973. He was 400 yards behind with less than a mile to go. He had nothing left, and somehow he just-he just found it. It was the most amazing finish. I can't believe you never heard of him.
[spots a man with an askew sweater]
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: That man. He missed a button.
Sharona Fleming: Don't worry about it, okay? Come on, just have fun.
Adrian Monk: 63 years old, he's still running the marathon. I've got to get into shape.
Sharona Fleming: No, you're in great shape.
Adrian Monk: Nah, I used to be. Now if I can't find the remote control, I just watch whatever's on.
[focuses his camera in on the man with the askew sweater]
Adrian Monk: Look at him. How can he stand it? Hold on to this.

Adrian Monk: I had a life before we met.
Sharona Fleming: I know you had a life. I just didn't know it involved gym shorts and showering with other guys.
Adrian Monk: I didn't shower with other guys. I had a note from my doctor.
Sharona Fleming: I bet you had lots of notes from your doctor.
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, I did. I had a whole, separate binder.

Sharona Fleming: You should have ignored the stupid sweater.
Adrian Monk: It was askew.
Sharona Fleming: So what? So what? Why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.

Sharona Fleming: You couldn't tell me over the phone?
Adrian Monk: I wanted to see your face light up when I told you.
[Sharona glares at him]
Adrian Monk: Okay, I'll take a rain check on that lighting up thing.

Tonday Mawwaka: Sorry to keep you waiting. Tonday Mawwaka.
Adrian Monk: Adrian Monk.
Tonday Mawwaka: Ah, Adrian! How nice to meet you.
Adrian Monk: Sir, I-I have admired you ever since I was a very strong child...
Sharona Fleming: Young child.
Adrian Monk: Young child. This is Sharona, my-my-something.
Sharona Fleming: I'm his assistant. It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Mawwaka.
Tonday Mawwaka: Just call me Tonday. Please, come on. Let's sit. Make yourselves comfortable.
Adrian Monk: Sir, I saw you run in Los Angeles in 1973.
[Tonday laughs]
Tonday Mawwaka: The big comeback.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Tonday Mawwaka: I still don't know how I did it.
Adrian Monk: Well, it changed my life.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival (#1.5)" (2002)
Sharona Fleming: Are you all right?
Adrian Monk: I just want to be alone.
Sharona Fleming: Okay, I'll come with you.

Sharona Fleming: [Monk and Sharona are at a carnival] Are you having fun?
Adrian Monk: I think so. My head's stopped throbbing. Too many clowns.

Sharona Fleming: Are you sure you're not getting your hopes up?
Adrian Monk: That's what hopes are for.

Sharona Fleming: Do you even know how to drive?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know how to drive.
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen you.
Adrian Monk: Well, there's about 15 things that I can do that you've never seen me do.
Sharona Fleming: Like what?
Adrian Monk: Drive. I can drive.

Sharona Fleming: No, no! Adrian, I'm driving. When hell freezes over, you can drive again. No, you know what? Even if hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice. Get in the car!

[Adrian is trying to convince Sharona to let him drive]
Sharona Fleming: Do you even have a license?
Adrian Monk: Of course I have a license.
Sharona Fleming: Is it valid?

Sharona Fleming: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Adrian Monk: It's a blessing, and a curse.

Lt. Adam Kirk: [looks out his window at the gathered reporters] Look at them out there. Trying to get a picture of a killer cop.
[angrily closes the blinds]
Lt. Adam Kirk: Too bad I can't charge them rent. Did you talk to them?
Adrian Monk: I just told them I was a friend.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Thanks for lying. You know. I don't hold what you did against...
Adrian Monk: Why would you? I told the truth.
Lt. Adam Kirk: From your point of view.
Adrian Monk: I was there, Lieutenant. I saw what you did.
Lt. Adam Kirk: It was resisting arrest.
Adrian Monk: I was there.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Well, that makes your being here now mean even more. You know what really kills me about this is, uh, I'm supposed to testify against Stokes next week. Best thing I ever did was getting that butcher off the street and now he's gonna walk.
Sharona Fleming: Why would he walk?
Lt. Adam Kirk: He claims that I beat a confession out of him. This makes his case.
[Monk peels some paper towels]
Lt. Adam Kirk: What are you doing?
Sharona Fleming: If you don't mind, it helps him think.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Oh, knock yourself out.
Adrian Monk: Wanna tell me what happened on the Ferris wheel?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Yeah, that was stupid. I get a call from this punk, Gitomer.
Adrian Monk: You knew him?
Lt. Adam Kirk: No, I never met him. I checked him out. He's got some punk stuff-possessions, stolen vehicle. So, he wants to meet at the carnival-busy place, a lot of people.
Adrian Monk: Meet about what?
Lt. Adam Kirk: He's got something on a shipment of purple haze. So, we meet. He starts hemming and hawing and then he says that he'll talk, but only up on the Ferris wheel.
Adrian Monk: The Ferris wheel's his idea?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Oh, yeah. His idea. So, we get on. I don't get out word one, he goes postal.
Adrian Monk: You didn't do anything?
Lt. Adam Kirk: [lifts his hand] Hand to God. He starts throwing himself around. He's screaming. "Help! Help! He's gonna kill me!" So, the operator shuts down the rig. I get off. I walk 10 feet, I hear screaming, I turn around and there's Gitomer on the deck, with a knife in his chest.
Adrian Monk: Whose knife was it?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Not a clue.

Adrian Monk: And now, you didn't touch this guy?
Lt. Adam Kirk: No, I didn't touch him.
Adrian Monk: Maybe he shoved you, you shoved him back.
Lt. Adam Kirk: No, I didn't touch the guy.
Adrian Monk: Things get of hand! It happens.
Lt. Adam Kirk: NO IT DOESN'T HAPPEN! Not to me. Not anymore.
Adrian Monk: How's Anita?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Oh, she's good. Thanks for asking.
Adrian Monk: Where is she?
Lt. Adam Kirk: You just missed her. She's just out shopping. She should be back, oh, any minute now.
Adrian Monk: Listen, friend, if I'm gonna help you out, you-you can't lie to me.
Lt. Adam Kirk: What?
Adrian Monk: You two had a fight. She moved out.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Now, who told you that?
[Monk looks at Adam's gardening books]
Adrian Monk: The woman is obviously into gardening. But every plant in the place is dying.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Well, she always comes back.
Adrian Monk: I'm done here.
Sharona Fleming: You'll gonna make somebody a wonderful wife.
Adrian Monk: I can't make any promises.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Understood.

[Monk and Stottlemeyer look at unclaimed photos from the day of the murder]
Photographer: Here you go. Unclaimed from the day you were asking about. This is everything.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, I promised Benjy I'd take him on the bumper cars, so we'll meet you later, okay? Just stay close to the Captain, and if you get lost, find a policeman. Promise?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bingo.
[He pulls out the photo of Gitomer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look at the sweatshirt.
Adrian Monk: I was thinking the same thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Zipped all the way up.
Adrian Monk: But it must've been 95 degrees that night.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
[They head towards the ferris wheel]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, they meet over there, walk through here, get on the ride, go round and round, it stops and the kid's dead.
Adrian Monk: Did you question the other riders?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, I grilled everybody in the park. I got a list of-
[spots the I.A. cops]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Internal Affairs!
[grabs a balloon from another kid]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, you just happen to be here, okay? It's your day off, understood?

Adrian Monk: I am so hungry.
Sharona Fleming: Well, get a hot dog.
Adrian Monk: No, no thanks. No.
Benjy Fleming: Mom, can I have two dollars?
Sharona Fleming: Wait. What for?
Benjy Fleming: It's a contest. There's a big jar of jellybeans, and if I guess how many are in the jar, I win a boom box.
Adrian Monk: 8,385.
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: That's how many jellybeans are in the jar - 8,385.
Benjy Fleming: 8,385. 8,385.
Sharona Fleming: Have you seen the jar?
[Monk shakes his head]
Sharona Fleming: How can you guess if you haven't seen the jar?
Adrian Monk: Benjy. 8,385.

Landlord: It's a tarot card.
Adrian Monk: Look, Mr. Crenshaw, does it mean anything to you?
Landlord: Yeah, it means you're wasting my time.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Gitomer used tarot cards?
Landlord: I don't see what anybody does. I'm only the landlord. The peepholes on the door face the wrong way. That's what I always say.
Adrian Monk: How long did he live here?
Landlord: Oh, nine weeks, but he paid for 10. So, I guess someone has a refund coming.
[Monk looks up at the ceiling]
Adrian Monk: What's this?
Landlord: Mister, you wouldn't believe what I've seen hanging from those fans.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
[She pulls out a gym sock from one of Gitomer's drawers]
Sharona Fleming: This is weird. He keeps his batteries in his socks?
Adrian Monk: Oh my God.
Sharona Fleming: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's a weapon. They use them in prison. It's torn here.
[he pulls down a hook from the ceiling fan]
Adrian Monk: Could you?
Sharona Fleming: Hook it?
[She does so]
Adrian Monk: Stand back.
[He turns on the fan, and the sock swings around the room with a wide circle]
Landlord: What the hell is that?
Adrian Monk: I think he hit himself with it.
Landlord: All he had to do was ask. I would've been happy to beat the crap outta the kid. I knew he was trouble. Never paid the phone bill, but always had money to go dancing.
Sharona Fleming: He went dancing?
Landlord: Yeah, every night. That club over in the park there-the Luna Lounge.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me, Leonard Stokes? Can I talk to you?
Leonard Stokes: It's a free country. At least it will be in about 10 minutes.
Adrian Monk: My name is Adrian Monk, I'm investigating the death of John Gitomer. Did you know him?
Leonard Stokes: No.
[Monk pulls out a bag with Gitomer's cell phone]
Adrian Monk: This is his cell phone. We found it in his knapsack. Mr. Gitomer received two calls from this facility from the phone bank in your wing on the day he was killed.
Leonard Stokes: So what?
Adrian Monk: You were calling him. I checked the records. They log in every outgoing call.
[Stokes signs a paper for his belongings]
Adrian Monk: That's a nice watch.
Leonard Stokes: Yeah, Gitomer, I remember. He was here. I knew his name. That's all.
Adrian Monk: Why were you calling him?
Leonard Stokes: I don't recall. What difference does it make?
Adrian Monk: It's just interesting, you two knew each other and his murder is the basis for your appeal.
[Stokes handles an orange pin]
Adrian Monk: What's that?
Leonard Stokes: It's from my Straight and Sober group. Three year pin.
Adrian Monk: Very nice. Congratulations.
Leonard Stokes: Look, I know where this is going. You're working to clear your pal Lieutenant Kirk.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. I'm not on the force.
Leonard Stokes: Oh, come on. Sure you are. I can smell it.
Adrian Monk: Just looking for the truth.
Leonard Stokes: Lieutenant Kirk is a killer cop. That's the truth. Just not the truth you want.
Adrian Monk: You could be right. Is there some place I could reach you?
Leonard Stokes: No. See you around.
[Stokes leaves]
Sharona Fleming: Gee, he's a charmer.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Candidate: Part 1 (#1.1)" (2002)
[first lines]
Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene] The stove.
Lt. Gitomer: Over here. It's in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No... I mean *my* stove. I-I think I left it on.
Sharona Fleming: It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The little knob, though?
Sharona Fleming: I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.
Lt. Gitomer: We believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked, he left there from the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. No. No. This-This was no burglary.
Lt. Gitomer: It wasn't?
Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian. Adrian.
[she claps her hands]
Adrian Monk: He was in here. He was waiting.
Lt. Gitomer: Waiting for what?
Adrian Monk: You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains.
[sniffs the curtains]
Adrian Monk: Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.
Lt. Gitomer: Maybe she was the smoker.
Adrian Monk: No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of -
[turns to Sharona]
Adrian Monk: Sorry, I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas. Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it.
[to the other detectives]
Adrian Monk: Anyway, uh, after he killed Miss, uh...
Lt. Gitomer: Nicole Vasques, 25.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Miss Vasques, he - he hung around. He was, uh, looking for something.
Lt. Gitomer: He was looking for what?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. He checked something on her computer. He could've erased a file.
Lt. Gitomer: Anything else?
Adrian Monk: Yes, he's tall. He's 6'3", maybe 6'4".

Miranda St. Claire: Is-is this a joke? Someone tries to kill my husband and you send in Rain Man?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mrs. St. Claire, I can assure you, Monk's presence is a sign of just how seriously we take this investigation.
Gavin Lloyd: Is he, uh...?
[whistles and twirls a finger around his head]
Sharona Fleming: No, no,, it's a form of anxiety disorder. Cases like this are usually caused by a single traumatic event.
Miranda St. Claire: [smirking] Someone hit him over the head with a shovel?
Sharona Fleming: His wife was murdered four years ago. By a car bomb.

Miranda St. Clair: I'm told you're germophobic, afraid of the dark, heights, crowds and... milk.
Sharona: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.

Sharona Fleming: How does it feel, always being right?
Adrian Monk: Terrible.

Sharona Fleming: What is THAT?
Adrian Monk: It's something called "style". You wouldn't understand.

Sharona: You're going straight to hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in hell.

Adrian Monk: Are you registered to vote?
Sharona Fleming: I never vote. It only encourages them.

Uniform Cop: What's he doing?
Sharona Fleming: Oh, I love this part. He does this Zen Sherlock Holmes thing.

Adrian Monk: [examining the drawstring of the window blinds in an empty apartment] He used the drawstring to steady his shot. I've seen it before in the field manual for the Green Berets, Special Forces.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's possible.
Adrian Monk: Captain, could you grab this? It'll just take a minute. Hold this up like a rifle.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
[Stottlemeyer picks up a long stick of wood and aims it out the window like a rifle. Monk sees that the end of the stick is lower than the kink in the drawstring]
Adrian Monk: How tall are you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Six foot.
Adrian Monk: No, really.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 5'11".
Adrian Monk: Our guy was taller - 6'3", maybe 6'4", just like Santa Clara.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just like what?
Sharona Fleming: The homicide in Santa Clara. We've been consulting on it.
Lt. Randall Disher: I read that. It's a completely different M.O.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think there's a connection because this guy might be tall? Lieutenant, get the Warriors on the line. I want to talk to Anton Jamison, see if he's got an alibi for Thursday morning.
Adrian Monk: Captain, do you know the percentage of men over 6'3"?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Do you?
Adrian Monk: Maybe 0.5. The odds of two men in this city in that category, committing premeditated murder within two days of each other are astronomical.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All because of a twisted venetian-blind cord. Monk, that's a stretch, even for you.
Adrian Monk: That and he wore slippers.
[sniffs the curtains]
Adrian Monk: And he smokes Newports.
[Stottlemeyer snickers and then laughs]
Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't police work. This - This is Vaudeville.

[St Claire speaks at Jason Ronstadt's funeral. Monk has lost his keys]
Warren St. Claire: In a few seconds, we will be closing the casket and saying good-bye to Jason forever.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, it's okay. We'll make new ones. Just - It's okay.
Adrian Monk: It's the key chain. The key chain - it was Trudy's. I gotta - I gotta - I gotta have those keys. That packet right there just give it to me.
Sharona Fleming: No.
[Reluctantly, she hands over the paperclip from the packet]
Warren St. Claire: Jason showed up every Sunday...
Sharona Fleming: You are going straight to hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.
Warren St. Claire: May his loving spirit live forever in our hearts and in our prayers.
[Adrian starts to create a makeshift fishing line using some dental floss and the paperclip]
Warren St. Claire: Why don't we take a moment and meditate silently?
[the people close their eyes and bow their heads. Meanwhile, Adrian lowers the fishing line]
Warren St. Claire: Now... old friend... we turn and salute you one last time.
[St. Claire faces the casket and salutes. By mistake, Monk hooks Jason's sleeve. He pulls on it, yanking up the hand as if in response to St. Claire's salute. Cuts to later, outside the church]
Jesse Goodman: We gotta pull the car around. He's ready to go.
Angry Old Lady: [to Monk] You should be ashamed of yourself!
Miranda St. Claire: Do you lie awake at night thinking of ways to disrupt my husband's campaign?
Warren St. Claire: Now, Miranda...
Adrian Monk: No, ma'am, I like awake at night and try not to think at all.
Warren St. Claire: These things happen. Hell, for a minute, I thought I had a new campaign slogan: "Vote for St. Claire. He can raise the dead!"
[He and Miranda take off down the steps]
Warren St. Claire: Where's my boy?
Jesse Goodman: Here, sir.
Warren St. Claire: Make sure Miranda gets home.
Jesse Goodman: Of course.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, a couple of questions.
Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're "germophobic," afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.
Sharona Fleming: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.
Miranda St. Claire: Ah.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I - I sense that you're a little upset, but I can tell you why I dropped my keys. I've been a bit preoccupied with another case. A girl was murdered in Santa Clara. Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?
Miranda St. Claire: No.
Adrian Monk: No?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Miranda St. Claire called the mayor personally. You couldn't just buy another key chain?
Sharona Fleming: Trudy gave it to him. It's irreplaceable.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got the forensic report back. The bullets were hollow point, designed to deform on impact.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Those can't be traced.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but we caught a lucky break. One of them was still intact. They I.D.'d the weapon. It's a Weatherby Fibermark rifle, which is British...
Adrian Monk: It's British. Long-range, preferred by mercenaries and paramilitary groups.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's right. He's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, start a list of weapons and/or ammunitions sales.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Adrian Monk: Could you cross-check that against Nicole Vasques?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who?
Sharona Fleming: The homicide in Santa Clara.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, your 10:00?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The cases don't overlap, Monk. She worked for the DMV. He was a candidate for mayor. She was behind on her rent, he has houses all over the world. She was stabbed. He was shot. Let it go.
Sharona Fleming: Are we gonna let it go?
Adrian Monk: Hell, no.
Sharona Fleming: What are we gonna do now?
Adrian Monk: We're gonna follow the money. Mmm! Ahh! I've always wanted to say that.

Adrian Monk: Boy, this is nice, isn't it?
Sharona Fleming: I forgot. What were we talking about?
Carl: England.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God, that's right. Um, Carl said that, uh, he was talking about living in England. He was a Rhodes Scholar.
Adrian Monk: No kidding!
Sharona Fleming: Yeah. He graduated magna cum laude.
Adrian Monk: Cum laud.
Sharona Fleming: Right. I know. And now he has a private practice. He's an entertainment lawyer. Guess who he represents. Can I tell him?
Carl: Yeah, sure.
Sharona Fleming: Francis Ford Coppola.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, but it's no big deal. A tabloid wrote something about him - that, you know, he was drunk at the Oscars, so now we're suing them for slander.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. I - I don't know what to do here. Uh, I'm - I'm no good at this. Okay. This man is lying to you. He's not a lawyer.
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: Oxford doesn't have a magna cum laud, and you sue a newspaper for libel, not slander.
[Carl gives him a look of disgust]
Adrian Monk: I'll just shut up. Forget I said anything. It's no big deal, Carl.

Sharona Fleming: Now, pull your twisted self together, concentrate and be brilliant.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame (#2.3)" (2003)
[Adrian plugs in the case-breaking video]
Adrian Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.
Sharona Fleming: Okay, here it is.
Adrian Monk: Don't blink.
[as they watch the video]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, my God.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, my-
[catches himself]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, my God!
Adrian Monk: [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [examining the photo of a car found near a crime scene] GCE-15P. Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.
Adrian Monk: It was a mnemonic device!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I understand. That's good work, Monk.
Adrian Monk: I remembered how the housekeeper said that Lawrence Hammond never forgot a birthday. A lot of successful people use little tricks to memorize information.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I said I understand.
Adrian Monk: But, obviously, Hammond made up the phrase to help him remember the license plate of the car that ran him down. "G" stands for "girls"...
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, Adrian, he gets it, okay? We all get it!
Adrian Monk: Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.
[Randy bursts into the office, looking rather excited]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, the car is hot! It was stolen from the Presidio Sunday night.
[Gives Stottlemeyer a photo of the car and the bumper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this blood on the bumper?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir, we have a positive match. It's Lawrence Hammond's! You ready for this?
[long pause. Everyone looks at Randy in disbelief as if waiting for the punchline]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ready for what? Just say it, Randy! What?
Lt. Randall Disher: We found this, underneath the rear seat cushion.
[as Randy offers a little lunch baggie with a metallic CD in it, Monk immediately reaches for it until Stottlemeyer quickly grabs it out of his grasp. He shoots Monk a look and he backs down, biting his tongue in disappointment as Sharona pats his shoulder]
Lt. Randall Disher: It's for one of those global positioning systems. It's homemade. The guy programmed it himself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, this is what he used to lure Hammond and his wife to that industrial park. Right. Okay, start putting together a list of computer geeks who can do that sort of thing.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir. There's more...
[another long pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And would you like to share it with us, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: The shooter abandoned the car in a parking lot. There was a security camera. We got a picture of him.
[hands the captain a large, blown up, black and white surveillance grab of the shooter. It's rather hard to make out any defining features. Monk bends around with Sharona to take a close up look at it. ]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, that's it? They can't clean that up?
Lt. Randall Disher: It is cleaned up. I mean, he was 50 feet away. Should I release it to the press?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's the point? I've seen better pictures of Bigfoot.
Adrian Monk: [looking at the photo] Captain, I've seen this guy before.
Sharona Fleming: Who is he?
Adrian Monk: I can't remember, but I know that face. I've seen him before... somewhere.

[last lines. Monk and Sharona are walking in the park]
Sharona Fleming: I wish you were sitting in yesterday. Benjy had two singles and a double. I'm so proud of him!
Adrian Monk: You should be!
Sharona Fleming: Next time he's going to bat clean-up. Sounds like something you would do: clean up, get it?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I get it.
[They stop when they notice Toby, Walker Browning's dog, on the grass]
Sharona Fleming: Is that Browning's dog?
Adrian Monk: I - I think that's the baseball!
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
[She runs without fear up to the doberman, and in no uncertain terms, gets him to drop the ball. Monk merely backs away]
Sharona Fleming: Toby! Toby! Drop the ball, drop it!
[the dog does so obediently, knowing who's boss and runs off. Sharona picks up the sloberry item that is no longer really a ball anymore and holds it up for Monk's examination. He stands at a safe distance]
Sharona Fleming: Eww... ssshesh - uh! God - it's all chewed up!
Adrian Monk: Uhh - it's a pretty expensive chew toy!
Sharona Fleming: It sure is!
Adrian Monk: Though - it's kind of fitting though don't you think?
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: Nobody ends up with the money. A dog chews it all up!
[starts to laugh lightly]
Sharona Fleming: This dog chewed up $3 million. And I can't even afford a tank of gas.
Adrian Monk: So you're holding, what, about $20,000 right there? You could put three, four tanks of premium in your car with that. You know what? Consider that a Christmas bonus.
Sharona Fleming: Like you would ever give me a Christmas bonus.
Adrian Monk: I want you to go out and buy yourself something pretty.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, right!
Adrian Monk: Don't save it. You don't have to save the money.

Adrian Monk: [examining a crime scene] Isn't that - what do you call it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Global positioning system. It was on, but it wasn't working. There was no disc in the computer.
Adrian Monk: Maybe somebody took it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe.
Adrian Monk: [sizing up the rest of the crime scene] The shooter was here... waiting. Hammond drives up...
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. Right. We found the casings. The shooter comes in here. Pop, pop. Pop, pop. Four rounds into the wife.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: He shot the wife first? Then Hammond?
Lt. Randall Disher: Hammond was shot once, but it wasn't fatal. He tried to get away.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: He gets out, runs. The shooter gets back into his car, runs him down.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: But Hammond *still* wasn't dead.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: In the morning, he crawled away.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: He crawled for 2.5 miles. Truck driver found him, 9:00 AM, near Route 12.
Adrian Monk: I'd like to talk to him.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'll get him.
[He runs off while Stottlemeyer comes over]
Adrian Monk: Captain... he shot the wife first? Why would he do that? I would've done the husband first. Wouldn't you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Monk. It's never come up.
Adrian Monk: He didn't even stick around to make sure Hammond was dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he got interrupted.
Adrian Monk: He lured them here somehow... to kill her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who, the wife? She's a nobody. Lawrence Hammond's worth a billion dollars. He had at least a hundred enemies.

TV Announcer #1: ...For the best price and best quality, come into one of our many bay area locations today.
[Another ad starts playing, with a baseball player hitting a home run]
TV Announcer #2: [voiceover] Baseball's Darryl Grant can break the single season record for home runs, but one thing he can't break is any storm window made by Parson's. Swiss-tempered, double-laminated safety glass. To protect your home, you, and your family.
Darryl Grant: [on TV] With Parson's Storm Windows, the only break you'll be seeing is in the price.
Lyle Turrow: I'm watching it right now. I've seen it, like, 20 times. Will you relax? No, the lighting's perfect. You look great!
[gets distracted when he spots Monk rubbing a spot off a basketball]
Lyle Turrow: Darryl, I'm going to have to call you back, all right? Who loves you? Great. Well, who else loves you? Me! Why do you tease me like that? Excuse me, excuse me, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: A bit of a smudge, like an ink stain. I think I got most of it.
Lyle Turrow: No, no, no, it's an autograph. Yeah, it's an 1988 all-star game ball signed by Michael Jordan.
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe he could sign it again.
Lyle Turrow: Sure, I'll just call Michael. Ask him to stop by.
Adrian Monk: Thank God, I'm so relieved!
[Sharona gives Monk a dirty look as Turrow heads back to his desk]
Sharona Fleming: He's being sarcastic.

[Monk is compulsively trying to fix the game up]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Adrian, it's okay. It's clean enough.
[Monk goes back to cleaning. The players look rather frustrated, but Stottlemeyer is smiling to himself]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK guys, we're going to be here awhile, so if anybody's got any homework they need to do, they might as well get it out now.
Adrian Monk: Play ball!
[the catcher cleanly catches the ball right past the batter]
Adrian Monk: Safe!
[the catcher throws it back]
Adrian Monk: Strike one! Ball! Ball one! That was a ball. That was ball one. Ball one!
[the catcher, pitcher and batter just look confused. So does Monk]
Adrian Monk: No - no, it's a strike!
[Stottlemeyer is very amused, but the kids are agitated]
Adrian Monk: Strike! Ball! Ball!
[the catcher pesters Monk to speed up play. Monk signals with one hand T-shaped on the other to stop the game]
Adrian Monk: Time - time out!
[points out to the pitcher in front of him. The pitcher points to himself as if to ask "You mean me?" Monk then points to the helmet he is wearing. He then puts either hand on each side and straightens it. The kid realizes he means his own hat and tilts the crooked hat's rim to face the front. Adrian then tilts his helmet so that the kid tips his hat until it's perfect. He puts his fingers together to show he's pleased and it's just right]
Adrian Monk: Play ball.
[Cuts to him bending over home plate with a handy wipe, polishing it off. As he goes back to his spot, a little batter comes up and slips on the polished plate, which has no traction. Sharona cover her eyes. Adrian looks around to see if anyone noticed. Next, he's picking off little stray fabrics sticking up off the softball with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [helping his team with their math] That eighth is where you have to carry...

[while giving the summation to Walker Browning, Toby starts growling]
Adrian Monk: OK - uh - has that dog been fed recently?
Walker Browning: Hammond the millionaire? This is insane.
Adrian Monk: You knew Hammond's schedule. The board of directors' meeting was well-publicized. The night before, you broke into his garage and replaced his global positioning disc with one that you programmed yourself.
[This is overlaid with a clip showing Browning replacing the CD in the GPS system of Hammond's car]
Adrian Monk: Hammond followed the directions, and all you had to do was wait.
[In flashback, Browning shoots the Hammonds at the industrial park]
Sharona Fleming: And all because you wanted to sell a baseball.
Walker Browning: No, you can't prove any of this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well here's a little tip for you, Walker: the next time you wipe down a stolen car, make sure that you get the adjustment bar under the driver's side seat, because we lifted a thumb print, and I'm betting it's yours.
Walker Browning: Toby! Achtung!
[pulls open the gate to release Toby upon them. In self defense, Monk grabs Stottlemeyer's jacket]
Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm done, right? I think I'm done.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, stop!
[Browning, meanwhile, attempts to reach for his ball, but is jumped by Disher. At the same time, Stottlemeyer attempts to reason with Toby, who has the ball in his mouth]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Toby, good daaawg! Good boy - good boy - give me the ball!
Lt. Randall Disher: [spins around and also sees Toby with the ball] The ball! Toby - give the ball to the captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Toby, good boy - give me the baawl, Toby! Good boy Toby!
Lt. Randall Disher: [puts his fingers together and waves them beside Toby] Toby! Toby release!
[Toby doesn't release yet]
Lt. Randall Disher: OK, OK - just give me the ball!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk!
Adrian Monk: Toby, sit!
[Toby advances on him. Monk opens the door and Toby trots out]
Adrian Monk: I - I've never been good with animals.
[Stottlemeyer signals Disher now to go after the ball like he's his lapdog]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Go! Go - fetch! Get the ball! Get the ball!
[Randy bolts out the door and chases Toby down the steps]
Lt. Randall Disher: Toby! Toby, heel! Toby, freeze! Heel! Heel!
[the dog passes an officer at the bottom of the steps, who doesn't do anything even after Toby passes him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Heel! Get the dog!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is there a problem?
Sharona Fleming: Didn't your son repeat the third grade?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, so what if he did?
Sharona Fleming: How old is he?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [takes a toothpick from his mouth and looks down at his feet like a sheepish boy] He's twelve.
Sharona Fleming: Jared, what year were you born?
[Jared is about to speak when his dad interrupts him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't answer that son. Alright, we're going to huddle in the outfield and then we're going out for pizza! Yeah!
[He rallies up the little troops and applauds, trying to seem light. But, then turns back to Sharona and in confidence... ]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Alriight, he's thirteen! But, I have a special dispensation from the league - he's eligible.
Sharona Fleming: How many parking tickets did you have to fix for that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [getting pissed] He's eligible, Sharona. End of discussion.
[He answers an incoming call on his cell phone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, this is Stottlemeyer.

Sharona Fleming: Thank you, Adrian!
Sharona Fleming: I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.
Adrian Monk: You're welcome.

Adrian Monk: Captain, I think we're on to something. Erin Hammond was having an affair.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, again with the wife?
Adrian Monk: There were four shampoo bottles in her bedroom from the Newport Inn...
Sharona Fleming: Which is just two miles away from her house. The concierge says she's been there two or three times a month with some guy, but they never got a good look at him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sarcastic] Congratulations! Mrs. Hammond was having an affair.
[taking his cue from Stottlemeyer, Disher scoffs and crosses his arms]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...Yeah. All right. Yeah, I can't ignore that.
[to Disher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Go down to the Newport Inn. I want you to interview the staff and bring a sketch artist.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.

[Monk is comparing a photograph of a painting with a canvas in Erin Hammond's bedroom]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you're wrong. It is not the same artist.
Adrian Monk: I know it's not the same artist. But look at the window and the drapes, and the church in the background.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you're right! It is the same church.
Adrian Monk: So, at some point, they were both in the same room.
Sharona Fleming: Whoa, whoa, wait. So you're saying Lawrence Hammond's wife...
Adrian Monk: His murdered wife.
Sharona Fleming: And Scott Gregorio...
Adrian Monk: Future Hall-Of-Famer.
Sharona Fleming: Are connected?
Adrian Monk: Bet on it.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale (#1.4)" (2002)
Sharona Fleming: Don't you ever wonder why you don't get invited anywhere?
Adrian Monk: No, not really...

Sharona Fleming: Do you know who asked me out? I'll give you a hint. He's a doctor.
Adrian Monk: Kevorkian?
Sharona Fleming: Very funny.

Sharona Fleming: [referring to Dale 'the Whale' Biederbeck] In case you're wondering, YES, he really is that fat, okay? He's ORCA! He's horrific!

Sharona Fleming: [referring to Dale 'the Whale' Biederbeck] I never heard of him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He spends a fortune every year making sure nobody ever hears of him. He buys newspapers just to keep his name out of them.

Biederbeck: [referring to Monk] Hey, did he tell you about his wife and me?
Sharona Fleming: I know all about it.
Biederbeck: No, you don't. He didn't tell you. He's too ashamed. See, nine years ago, his beloved Trudy wrote a piece on me in which she said I was, 'the Genghis Khan of world finance.' So I sued her and the rag that published the piece. Now, I knew I couldn't win, but I dragged things on long enough that eventually Mr. and Mrs. Monk had to sell everything. Even that cute little starter house they lived in. You know who owns it now?
Sharona Fleming: You.
Biederbeck: Mm-hmm. I use it to store my pornography collection. Which reminds me, are you interested in earning a little extra money?

Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!
Adrian Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.
Biederbeck: [enraged] YOU...! YOU...!
[reaches out in an attempt to strangle Monk]
Sharona Fleming: What's he doing?
Adrian Monk: [leaning in closer to Dale, staying just out of reach] I think he's trying to kill me.
[Dale finally gives up, flopping back on the bed in exhaustion]
Adrian Monk: Wasn't really much of a fight, was it?

Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my buisiness, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: [smiling] I doubt it.
Sharona Fleming: What did Trudy mean by 'bread and butter?'
Adrian Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say 'bread and butter'.
Sharona Fleming: So when she died...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."

Sharona Fleming: Adrian, this is what normal people do on a Sunday morning.
Benjy Fleming: Mom, we're not exactly normal.
Sharona Fleming: We are compared to some people.
[glances at Monk]

Adrian Monk: I know Biederbeck; you don't. He's dangerous. This man is capable of anything.
Sharona Fleming: He weighs eight hundred and four pounds. What is he going to do, break wind on me?

Sharona Fleming: [to Sue Ellen] This is my friend, Mr. Monk. He just wants to ask you a couple of questions about what you saw the night that the judge was, umm...
Sue Ellen: Brutally slain.

Sharona Fleming: What kind of dog is that?
[she reaches across Biederbeck's stomach to feel it]
Biederbeck: Now, sweetheart, if you want to feel my stomach, all you have to do is ask.
Sharona Fleming: I wasn't...
Biederbeck: Of course you were! You're wondering what they're all wondering. "My God, can he really be that big?" Let's find out, shall we?
[lifting the front of his pajamas]
Biederbeck: Totally al fresco!

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger (#1.7)" (2002)
Sharona Fleming: [about Sydney Teal] Not exactly Batman.
Adrian Monk: This guy, he was... What's the opposite of Batman?
Sharona Fleming: You are.

Sharona Fleming: I can't believe you folded like a cheap suit!
Adrian Monk: Tent. For the record, I folded like a cheap tent.

Sharona Fleming: Where's your wallet?
Adrian Monk: I'm having it... you know, buffed.

Willis: It's funny, you know. Mr. Teal had it all - more money than God, a beautiful wife - but he was the loneliest man on the planet. I was the chauffeur, and *I* felt sorry for him.
Sharona Fleming: Feeling sorry for your boss? I can't imagine what that must feel like...
Adrian Monk: Get in the car!

Adrian Monk: Captain! I see the circus is in town.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, yes. It's gonna get a lot worse.
Sharona Fleming: Captain, Adrian wants to talk to you about our fee.
[Monk looks at Archie Modine, the shooter]
Adrian Monk: That the shooter?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Archie Modine. He's an ex-cop. He was second lieutenant in Palo Alto. I already checked him out. He was a straight up good cop. Now he's the head of security at CK Pharmaceuticals.
Sharona Fleming: Uh, Captain. About our fee, we want...
Adrian Monk: Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: We want to talk.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, please.
[to Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: Walk me through it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it's pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece, .38 caliber. I already called. He's licensed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bang. Bang. Bang. Three in the chest.
Adrian Monk: So I have just one question: What am I doing here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here comes the punch line: our perp... is Sidney Teal.
Sharona Fleming: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take a look.
[lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get out of town. What in God's name was he doing?
[Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I wouldn't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.
Adrian Monk: Well...
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, could you give me a second here?
[Sharona walks away]
Adrian Monk: You know, this is insane.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out.
[He uncovers Teal's leg]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Adrian Monk: Kneepads?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's got elbowpads.

Sharona Fleming: Why did you ask her about the glasses?
Adrian Monk: So, I could tell which photographs were the most recent. There are about 200 pictures in that room. They documented everything.
Sharona Fleming: And?
Adrian Monk: No bungee jumping. No skydiving. The most exciting thing Sidney Teal's done in the last two years is go to Disneyland.
Sharona Fleming: Not exactly Batman.
Adrian Monk: This guy? He was-What's the opposite of Batman?
Sharona Fleming: You are.

Sharona Fleming: In the book, Mr. Teal said somebody mugged you on your first date, but he didn't really... give any details.
Angie Deluca: Technically, we weren't mugged. We were *almost* mugged.
[in a flashback, a mugger approaches Sidney Teal and Angie DeLuca with a knife]
Angie Deluca: I was scared to death. I just froze. He had a knife.
Sharona Fleming: He had a knife?
Angie Deluca: But Sidney, he lunged at the guy. They started fighting.
[in flashback, Sidney attacks the mugger, disarming him. He yells at the mugger]
Sidney Teal: Come on!
[the mugger runs away]
Angie Deluca: I couldn't believe it. Sidney really stood up to him. I didn't think he had it in him.
Sharona Fleming: Did he say anything?
Angie Deluca: Who?
Sharona Fleming: The mugger.
Angie Deluca: Oh, geez. That was twenty-years ago. Uh, I think he said, you know, "Give me your money. Don't be a hero."
Sharona Fleming: He said that? "Don't be a hero"?
Angie Deluca: Yeah. Is that important?
Sharona Fleming: Oh, yeah. That is-that is very important. Um-I think I just busted this case wide open.

Sharona Fleming: [cranky and tired of shopping for an exact replacement for Monk's recently broken lamp] Adrian, what about this one? This is great.
Adrian Monk: It's not silver. The other one was silver.
Sharona Fleming: It's just a lamp. If you were blindfolded, you wouldn't know the difference.
Adrian Monk: If I was blindfolded, why would I need a lamp?

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month (#3.7)" (2004)
Sharona Fleming: What was he like as a cop?
Joe Christie: I remember the day we met. I walked down the hall to shake his hand - this was, you know, back when he was shaking hands - and there were seven detectives lined up outside his office just waiting to run cases by him, just to see what he thought, just to pick his brain. I learned more from Adrian Monk in two days than I did in the two years I was at the Academy.

Benjy Fleming: These puzzles have 500 pieces EACH! Now we're mixing 'em toghether... OK, open your eyes! Ready... Go!
Rudy: [about Mr. Monk] Is he a robot?
Benjy Fleming: [laughing] No, he's a person!
Rudy: Wow! What else can he do?
Benjy Fleming: He vacuums a lot... And he solves murders.
Rudy: You could sell tickets to this!
Benjy Fleming: I know, I know! I want to, but my mum won't let me. He's her boss.
Sharona Fleming: Benjy, what are you doing? He's not a toy!
Benjy Fleming: He doesen't care, he likes it! Don't you, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah! This one's missing a corner!
Rudy: [takes another puzzle] Do you think he would do three?
Benjy Fleming: Let's find out!
[Mr. Monk remains still with two pieces of a puzzle in his hands]
Rudy: Oh, oh! We broke him!
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Hey! You okay?
Adrian Monk: Sure! You don't still have those letters, do you?
Sharona Fleming: What letters?
Adrian Monk: The letters Joe Christie gave us.
Sharona Fleming: I don't know! That was a month ago!
Adrian Monk: 27 days!... A month... Close enough.
Sharona Fleming: Hey! It's your lucky day! They're right here!
Rudy: What's he doing now?
Benjy Fleming: Aaah, he's just thinking! Wanna play video games?
Rudy: Good idea!
[the boys leave and Benjy laughs]

[waiting in a diner for Monk]
Sharona Fleming: So where is he, anyway?
Joe Christie: Well, when I left, he was putting away boxes in the shoe department.
Sharona Fleming: He's putting boxes away?
Joe Christie: [laughing] Yeah...
Sharona Fleming: Oh, God. Maybe we'd better start ordering now, you know?
[Joe laughs again]

Sharona Fleming: Jennie Calendar's criminal record was clean, but she did a stint in juvie as a teenager. She stole a car when she was sixteen.
Joe Christie: Juvenile records are supposed to be sealed.
Sharona Fleming: They are. But one of the clerks in the office lives with his mother and stays home on Friday nights, and he bought me a drink.
[off his look]
Sharona Fleming: I don't get paid enough.
Joe Christie: Monk was right, you are good. I'm glad you've got his back.

Lt. Randall Disher: A forty-two-inch flat-screen TV fell on her. She was killed instantly.
Sharona Fleming: That's horrible. TV still work?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, the TV just killed a woman.
Sharona Fleming: What are you going to do? Lock it up?

Sharona Fleming: Hey, Captain, have you ever met Crystal?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I can't say I have. We were supposed to go out to dinner last week, but she canceled at the last minute.
Lt. Randall Disher: She wasn't feeling well.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: M-hmmmm.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe you blew her up too much.
Lt. Randall Disher: She isn't a balloon.
Sharona Fleming: That's right. She's a living, breathing wallet model.

Sharona Fleming: Those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Lt. Randall Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona Fleming: Hm. What's her name?
Lt. Randall Disher: Crystal.
[Sharona is staring past Randy at a box that says "Crystal Glassware" on it]
Sharona Fleming: What's her last name? Glassware?

Sharona Fleming: [asking Randy about Crystal, his girlfriend] You have a picture?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Sharona Fleming: Ohhh. She's pretty.
[turns photo over]
Sharona Fleming: Randy! This came with the wallet.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and Sharona (#8.10)" (2009)
Sharona Fleming: Hello, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: [confused] What year is this?

Sharona Fleming: Umm... I am still in Jersey, and I'm nursing again.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Sharona Fleming: Mm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: But isn't Benjy 17?
Sharona Fleming: No... I'm working as a nurse.
Adrian Monk: Oh, well, that's different.

Adrian Monk: Hey.
Sharona Fleming: Mm.
Adrian Monk: You still got it.
Sharona Fleming: It's like riding a bike.
Adrian Monk: Oh, man.
Sharona Fleming: A very clean, very unusual, very sad bike.

Sharona Fleming: Do you mind if she calls you "Adrian?"
Adrian Monk: Of course not. Why would I mind?
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see I don't like it either.
Natalie Teeger: Me neither.

Adrian Monk: She didn't mean anything. Nobody means anything.
Sharona Fleming: "Nobody means anything." What does that mean?
Adrian Monk: Doesn't mean anything

Sharona Fleming: Well, I don't believe it. You're not perfect. You could be wrong.
Adrian Monk: Maybe, but I'm not.

[Monk, Natalie and Sharona try to argue as to the best way up to the ninth floor]
Natalie Teeger: How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? Let's take the elevator up to four and then walk up five flights.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sharona Fleming: Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk four flights.
Adrian Monk: Can't argue with that.
Sharona Fleming: You treat him like a child.
Natalie Teeger: He's not a child.
Sharona Fleming: I did not say he's a child. I said you're treating him like a child.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, *I'm* being supportive.
Sharona Fleming: No, you're not being supportive. You're enabling him.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here's what we gonna do. We're going to take the elevator up to 18 and walk down nine flights. That way everybody's miserable.
[as a consequence, they show up at Walsh's apartment practically out of breath]

Natalie Teeger: Well, he can't go too far. he can't sleep without his Trudy pillow.
Sharona Fleming: Or that special red toothbrush.
Natalie Teeger: Or his little flossing kit.
Sharona Fleming: Or the sound machine with that foghorn noise.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.
Sharona Fleming: Really? What did you do?
Natalie Teeger: I went out and bought an actual foghorn and made my own tape. I'm not kidding. I have an actual foghorn sitting in my garage.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus (#2.4)" (2003)
Sharona Fleming: Oh, suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up. I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming: Why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming: No.
Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.

Sharona Fleming: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen a comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh, it's kinda
[gestures with hands]
Adrian Monk: ...small. I, I don't have a comfort zone.

Sharona Fleming: If you know who did it, why didn't you go to the police?
Adrian Monk: Because she was afraid. You're not a citizen yet, but you're about to take your naturalization test, and you didn't want to draw attention to herself.
Ariana Dakkar: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: The pamphlet in your bag. You're studying the U.S. Constitution, something no citizen would ever do. Good luck, by the way.
Ariana Dakkar: Thank you, Mr. Monk.

Sharona Fleming: S I U. You know what that means?
Adrian Monk: Yes I know what it means.

Adrian Monk: [looking at Nikolai Petroff, who is about to be questioned] A leopard and panther wrangler.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
Lt. Randall Disher: He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good.
[Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Hmm. He's left-handed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
Adrian Monk: What's that supposed to mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Adrian Monk: Says who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
Adrian Monk: I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Cold as ice with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: She's got a bad temper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A bad temper with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: You keep coming back to the foot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
Adrian Monk: That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses?
[Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs]
Adrian Monk: There's only one reason - to prove...
[Suddenly, Adrian looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]
Adrian Monk: ... prove that she could.
[She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Sharona Fleming: Suck it up!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're fine.
Sharona Fleming: Fine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City.
[enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over]
Lt. Randall Disher: She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin.
[We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but missing the next performer and falling to the ground]
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet, in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.

Adrian Monk: Ahem. She missed the net?
Lt. Randall Disher: She never used a net.
Adrian Monk: She go to the hospital?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
Adrian Monk: So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine.
[walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're welcome.
[Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
Adrian Monk: You want to finish it?
[Stottlemeyer walks up to the pair and tries to give them some advice. He takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona. Monk listens to the captain but rolls his eyes, and keeps his tongue]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
Sharona Fleming: We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
Adrian Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
Sharona Fleming: I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[a fireblower freaks Monk, who recoils a bit but then keeps on moving]
Lt. Randall Disher: Ha ha ha. Payroll, 240 people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah and he's using the term "people" very loosely.
[a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Ooh! You okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
[He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen your comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh...
[tries to size it up with his hands]
Adrian Monk: ... it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: Where do we start?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
Adrian Monk: You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble.
[Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and the captain watches him in disbelief. The captain gets him to leave it alone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy!
[Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]

Adrian Monk: [Making instant cocoa] Is this a dollop?
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: A dollop. It says, ''Add one dollop of whipped cream.''
Sharona Fleming: I dunno. I think a dollop's like a teaspoon.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. It doesn't say teaspoon. It says, 'Dollop.'
Sharona Fleming: It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be exact. It's like a pinch.
Adrian Monk: How many pinches to a dollop?
Sharona Fleming: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Or maybe it's more like a schmear. Wait. It's like three pinches to a schmear... or... Ach! Forget it! Let's make something else.
Sharona Fleming: What? You're throwing it out!
Adrian Monk: Nobody can make this cocoa. The recipe's impossible.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger (#1.12)" (2002)
Sharona Fleming: Ow. Why do I always have to be the victim?
Adrian Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in the dirt. And... I'm me.

Benjy Fleming: [after hearing about Sharona's visit with Mrs. Maas] Did you really meet a blind lady?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Benjy Fleming: Does she have a dog?
Sharona Fleming: No, she had a cane.
Benjy Fleming: Hey, maybe I can interview her for that report I have to do on people with disabilities.
Sharona Fleming: Wa-wait, I thought you were gonna write about-
[points at Monk, practicing his clarinet]
Benjy Fleming: It only has to be two pages. Mr. Monk is a whole book.
Sharona Fleming: You know what? I'll ask her.

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Close the door.
[Randy closes the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene.
[Randy presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there.
[Monk pretends playing the clarinet]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you doing?
[Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really?
Sharona Fleming: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead.
[Randy presses play on the tape. We see Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway on the tape]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley.
[Sonny Cross passes by the camera]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fast-forward. And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross.
[Willie Nelson comes running into the alleyway on the tape]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna arrest him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow.
[turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Adrian Monk: Captain, what about the note on the door?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Lt. Randall Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B", Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think it's "C".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "C"? What the hell is "C"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know yet.

Cashier: So, you wanna know about Sonny Cross, hmm?
[shows a record]
Cashier: Well, he managed these guys for a while back in '87 till they fired him.
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Cashier: Same reason these guys fired him in '82.
[shows them another label]
Cashier: He was humping the lead singer's wife. That cat had nine lives. Oh, he, uh, he managed these guys for a while as well.
Adrian Monk: They fired him?
Cashier: Didn't have a choice. Hard to handle them from the Florida State Penitentiary. Did, uh, two years, I think. Drinking and driving. Apparently, he killed a guy. And now he's been immortalized as the man Willie Nelson shot. Mmm.
Adrian Monk: You missed one.
Cashier: I didn't-oh, you're right.
Sharona Fleming: Are you two related?
Adrian Monk, Cashier: Why would you say that?

Willie Nelson: [to Monk] You know more about me than I do.
Sharona Fleming: He knows more about everybody than they do.
Willie Nelson: Well, why do they think I shot Sonny?
Sharona Fleming: Um, well, you gotta admit it looks pretty bad. The blind lady said that she heard everything.
Willie Nelson: The blind lady's lyin'.
Sharona Fleming: Why was she lying?
Willie Nelson: I don't know. I do a lot of things, but I wouldn't hurt anybody. You know, I might write a bad song about 'em. And as far as Sonny was concerned, maybe I should've fired him a long time ago, but there's more I could've fired too.

Lt. Randall Disher: Say hello to Sonny Cross. We found this on the front door.
[Shows the note "J. Cross - Use Side Door" from the front door]
Lt. Randall Disher: To lure him into the alley.
Sharona Fleming: What does the "J" stand for?
Lt. Randall Disher: His legal name was Jason Cross. Look at this.
[he uncovers the sheet covering the body]
Lt. Randall Disher: Shot one, through the collarbone. Shot two, straight in the back while he was running away. We have a witness, Monk, who heard Willie Nelson and Cross arguing just before the shots were fired. We found the gun over there behind the Dumpster. It's a Webley, a Mark I, .38-caliber. No prints.
Adrian Monk: An old Webley?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes. We can rule out a mugging.
[Monk puts his left arm forward then outstretches both of his arms and flaps them like a bird]
Lt. Randall Disher: What's he doing?
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: The bullet hole in the jacket lines up with the entry wound.
Lt. Randall Disher: So?
Adrian Monk: Well, you said they were arguing, but if he was animated, if his hands were up or he was gesturing, then the holes wouldn't match up. No, this man had his hands down at his sides. And he-he wasn't frightened either. He-you say there was an eyewitness?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, not exactly an eyewitness.
[points at Wendy Maas]
Lt. Randall Disher: Her name's Wendy Mass. She's been blind since she was 16. She lives in one of those assisted living places up on Mountain View.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. I know her. I've seen her in the park.
Adrian Monk: That's your witness?
Lt. Randall Disher: She said she heard the whole thing.

[Randy takes Mrs. Mass's statement]
Lt. Randall Disher: Now, Mrs. Mass, you said you were taking the bus.
Wendy Maas: That's right, I was visiting a friend, and-and I missed my stop. I never like to admit it, but it happens. So I got off, and I started to walk. Then I turned down that alley, thinking that I could cut through to 4th Avenue, but it was blocked off.
[Monk starts to obsess over the unevenly sharpened pencils]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, the alley was a dead...
Sharona Fleming: Oh, yeah. There was construction. Uh-huh. It's a dead-end.
Wendy Maas: Dead end. Exactly. So, I started to turn around, and then I heard these two men arguing.
Adrian Monk: Uh, about what?
Wendy Maas: I couldn't tell.
[Monk goes over to the pencil holder and starts to sharpen the three pencils so that they are all sharpened to the same length]
Wendy Maas: They were very angry. And then I heard these two shots-Bang. Bang. Well, my heart was pounding and I couldn't move. Then this one man came up to me and he said- "Tell anybody about this and I'll kill you."
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
[Stottlemeyer arrives with his right arm in a sling]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How's it going?
Lt. Randall Disher: Miss Mass, this is Captain Stottlemeyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mrs. Mass, how do you do?
[She gently shakes his left hand]
Lt. Randall Disher: He'll be in charge of the case from here on in, thank God.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good job, Lieutenant.

Wendy Maas: [SPOILER] Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Sharona Fleming: [surprised] You're thanking him?
Wendy Maas: I am so relieved. I was torn up about that nice young man having to take the blame.
Sharona Fleming: You're going to have to go to jail.
Wendy Maas: I understand.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe I can talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances.
Wendy Maas: There's only one thing that I want.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [smiles] What's that?
Wendy Maas: A window.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the 12th Man (#2.9)" (2003)
Sharona Fleming: Oh my god! Adrian, do you know what Kenny just did? He took care of all my parking tickets.
Adrian Monk: He's like Superman.

Adrian Monk: Thank you for seeing us.
Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Please, sit down.
[appears to have a rather sudden reaction, like he is thinking]
Sharona Fleming: [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe.
[points to it]
Ian Agnew: I have a piece of pipe in my head.
Ian Agnew: I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
Adrian Monk: Sir, about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack.
Ian Agnew: I'll get it!
[picks up the phone]
Ian Agnew: Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number.
[to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: How's that coffee?
[then to the floor]
Ian Agnew: BAD DOG!
[then back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: I haven't worked since.
Adrian Monk: Huh. How did you get the job?
Ian Agnew: Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it.
[He picks up the phone again, about to talk to an imaginary caller]
Ian Agnew: You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
Sharona Fleming: Did you go to the trial?
Ian Agnew: I testified.
Sharona Fleming: Did you spend any time with the jury?
Ian Agnew: No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors!
Ian Agnew: Daisy, Daisy, tell me your aunts are true!
[then to a spot on the floor]
Ian Agnew: BAD DOG!
[then back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: You know what I think I miss the most?
[points to the pipe]
Ian Agnew: Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this.
[picks up the phone again]
Ian Agnew: Hello. Hello.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.
Ian Agnew: [talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?
Adrian Monk: We'll let ourselves out.
Ian Agnew: Tell me who this is RIGHT NOW!
[Monk and Sharona walk out]
Ian Agnew: Well I don't believe that for a minute!

Sharona Fleming: [about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I didn't.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment.
[to a passing cop]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you!
[turns back to Sharona]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: See, I call everybody a weasel.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to Monk, after Monk is attacked trying to stop Henry Smalls's killer. He notices that Monk has bandages on each hand] Did you hurt both of your hands?
Sharona Fleming: No, just the left one.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Then why do you have bandages on both... ? Right. Symmetry.

[Monk and Sharona arrive at the toll plaza]
Adrian Monk: Handcuffed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Handcuffed and tied to about 70 feet of rope.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my god!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And then he was dragged, west 7/10ths of a mile. I just saw the body, or what's left of it. The M.E. says he's never seen anything like it. There's no end to it.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I mean this is #9. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat.
Adrian Monk: Any connection?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no connections at all. I mean, four have been men, five women. All different ages - Latino, white, black.
Adrian Monk: And the M.Os?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All different. There's been a couple of shootings - all different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. It-It's like a full moon every night.
Adrian Monk: And you're sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well they have one thing in common, Monk: we can't solve them. I swear, there's something in the water here.

Adrian Monk: [about the 11 victims] What do they have in common?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Absolutely nothing.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. They have... nothing in common. Some are rich, some poor, different ages, races, occupations... Captain this is a very diverse group. They are... too diverse.
Sharona Fleming: "Too diverse"?
Adrian Monk: I'm talking statistics. You'd have to work hard, really hard, to find a group this different. Plus, look at this. The blue pins indicate where they lived, right?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The murders took place all over the Bay Area, but the victims all lived in Marin County. What are the odds of *that*?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Go on, go, go, go, go...
Adrian Monk: A diverse group... all registered to vote... you know where you find a group like that?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, yes! On a jury!
Disher: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on, hang on...
[checks his computer]
Disher: He's right. They all served together on the same jury six years ago.
Adrian Monk: A jury.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: On a jury.
[he kisses Monk on the cheek, then runs out to rally the task force]

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum (#1.6)" (2002)
[Monk enters a house and starts putting away his groceries, then calls Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Hello?
Adrian Monk: Hi. It's me. Where do I keep the large casserole dish? I can't find it anywhere.
Sharona Fleming: Right of the sink, upper middle cabinet.
Adrian Monk: *Right* of the sink, upper middle, no. No, popcorn maker's in there.
Sharona Fleming: What is?
Adrian Monk: Popcorn maker.
Sharona Fleming: You don't have a popcorn maker.
Adrian Monk: I think I do; I'm looking right at it.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you're in the wrong house.

[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Good news. I'm seriously considering you for employee of the month.
Sharona Fleming: Thanks, boss. I'll see you tomorrow.

Sharona Fleming: He takes three showers every day with this star-shaped nozzle. This is the nozzle. And he needs a five watt night light for sleeping. Anything more, he won't sleep and dark-colored pillowcases.
Adrian Monk: Sharona?
Sharona Fleming: Nothing light, okay?
Adrian Monk: Sharona?
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: You're scaring the man.
Sharona Fleming: No, I'm not.
Adrian Monk: Well, you're scaring me.
Oliver: Ma'am, your friend's in good hands. I'm going to look after him personally. You can trust me.
Sharona Fleming: Mmm-hmmm.
Adrian Monk: See? I'm gonna be okay. You're worrying more than I am.
Sharona Fleming: Look. I can't protect you here, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: What could happen? It's a hospital.
Dr. Charles Kroger: This is all gonna be over before you even know it.

Dr. Moris Lancaster: If anything, his behavior has deteriorated. We may have to keep him here longer than we thought.
Sharona Fleming: Well, how much longer?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: That's hard to say. It could be a month.
Sharona Fleming: A month?
[They examine Monk, standing out in the garden]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: It could be as long as a year. Adrian is bipolar. He's delusional and he's paranoid. He sees murder mysteries everywhere he turns. In fact, he's befriended another patient, and the two of them are trying to prove that Santa Claus really does exist.
Sharona Fleming: Santa Claus?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Mm-hmm. They went out on the roof collecting evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so... dysfunctional.
[Dr. Lancaster and Sharona meet Monk]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Adrian, look who's here.
Sharona Fleming: Hey, boss. How you feelin'?
Adrian Monk: Ah, I feel good. I can't-I can't wait to go home.
Sharona Fleming: Well, we were just talking about that.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Adrian, would you mind if I showed your friend some of the artwork that you made yesterday?
[He shows some artwork]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Oh, here it is. Wait a minute.
[shows them a disturbed image of Trudy's grave]
Adrian Monk: Did I draw that?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: You don't remember? Isn't that Trudy's grave?
Sharona Fleming: Um, Dr. Lancaster said that you saw Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: [scoffs] No, we didn't actually see him. Manny took a picture, but he lost the camera. But we found a piece of a red suit.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: We'd love to see it, Adrian.
[Monk looks through his pockets for the piece of Santa fabric that he found, but he finds it missing]
Adrian Monk: It was here. It was in here. A little piece of fabric, you know, of Santa's-Santa's, you know, suit. Okay, no, no. It was a piece of... fabric, and...
Sharona Fleming: Doctor? Can I talk to you privately?
Adrian Monk: Like... Santa's tuis.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Sure.
[He and Sharona walk away]
Sharona Fleming: He's not himself. He needs me. Look, I could be here two, three times a week, okay? I still have my license. Maybe they can give me a job here.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Sharona, I know you mean well, but the less contact Adrian has with his old life, the better. You can write him a letter. You can bring him something from home. I'm sure he'd like that, but no visits.
[Sharona approaches Monk, who is looking under his bed]
Sharona Fleming: Look, Adrian. I-listen, I-I can't take you home right now.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, look at his shoes, just look at his shoes. They're smudged. Could be soot. Those are boat shoes. They're made for traction. And I think, he has been walking on the roof.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, just try to listen to Dr. Lancaster, okay?

[Sharona reads one of Dr. Gould's journals]
Sharona Fleming: "Dr. Murdock has assured me that I am next in line for the directorship, a decision bound to be met with anger and derision by Dr.-"
[We see the rest of the text: "Dr. Lancaster"]
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God.

Dr. Charles Kroger: You're going to be fine. They just want to spend 48 hours with you to observe and evaluate.
[Monk notices a broken sign board]
Adrian Monk: Gee, that "B" - it's broken. Looks like an "R".
[He starts to fix it]
Adrian Monk: It's all...
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian. Adrian. You're gonna have to take this thing seriously. Judge Hackman says you're lucky those people didn't press charges... or shoot you. Now, the-the director's name is Morris Lancaster. He's one of the top psychiatrists in the country.
Sharona Fleming: Morris Lancaster? Yeah. He's good. I saw him on CNN.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Married (#2.15)" (2004)
[Sharona and Monk are posing as a married couple]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, this is a picnic. You have to sit on the ground.
Adrian Monk: I can't. Animals do things on the ground. Terrible, terrible things.

Sharona Fleming: This guy's certifiable! Sure he's not related to you?

Dr. Julie Waterford: Adrian. Sharona. Glad you're still here. Something that I've been meaning to say. Marriage is very hard, and it takes exceptional people to make it work. But I think you two can do it. I believe in Adrian and Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: Thanks a lot, uh, but I think you should know
Sharona Fleming: we're not really married.
Dr. Julie Waterford: Oh thank god. Good. Keep it that way, huh?

[Monk and Sharona come to see Disher, late at night]
Sharona Fleming: Have you been drinking?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

Sharona Fleming: We're never gonna get away with this. They're never gonna believe we're really married.
Adrian Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

Sharona Fleming: [after Monk refuses to sit on a bench because a bird sat on it the day before] You're impossible.
Adrian Monk: You married me.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation (#1.10)" (2002)
[last lines]
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Forget it. No more vacations. The next time you try to make me take a vacation, I *swear* I'm quitting.
Sharona Fleming: [pause] I can't believe I just said that.
Adrian Monk: You seem upset.
Sharona Fleming: I am upset!
Adrian Monk: You know what you need?
Sharona Fleming: No. Shut up.
Adrian Monk: Vacation!
Sharona Fleming: Shut up!

Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once, making every minute count. It gave me a headache.
Sharona Fleming: What doesn't?

Benjy Fleming: Mom, you owe me an ice cream sundae...
Sharona Fleming: Oh...
Benjy Fleming: We had a bet. She said you wouldn't come outside, even once.
Adrian Monk: Oh, ye of little faith.

Benjy Fleming: [looking through a telescope] Hey, look, I can see our room. And there's Mr. Monk's room...
Sharona Fleming: Which one?
Benjy Fleming: The first one. The one he couldn't stay in because it smelled funny.

Sharona Fleming: What did you find?
Adrian Monk: Zilch. It was the cleanest room I've ever seen.
Sharona Fleming: Really?
Adrian Monk: I'd stay there.
Sharona Fleming: Wow... look, Adrian, I hate to say it, but maybe he did make it all up.
Adrian Monk: Why would he do that?
Sharona Fleming: To impress you. Maybe...
Benjy Fleming: [standing a short distance away] You're talking about me, aren't you? I saw what I saw.
Adrian Monk: He saw what he saw.

Chuck Byrn: It's very hot. Unbelievably hot. It didn't say in the brochure this place was located five blocks from the Sun, did it?
[laughs from the audience]
Chuck Byrn: Oh, I went down to-
[Monk begins fussing with the nut bowl]
Chuck Byrn: I saw the strangest thing on the beach. I was down there, walking around on the beach and-oh, my God. That's the guy. I saw that guy on the beach today.
[points at Monk]
Chuck Byrn: And you know what he was wearing?
[Sharona's jaw drops]
Chuck Byrn: The exact same thing he's wearing right now! I couldn't believe it. How are ya? What's your name, sir?
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Don't tell him.
Chuck Byrn: Adrian? That's his name.
[He walks over towards Monk and turns to Sharona]
Chuck Byrn: That's a nice whisper, I didn't pick up on it at all. Very quiet. Very effective.
[He reaches Monk]
Chuck Byrn: Adrian's your name. Good to see you, Adrian. Thanks for coming down to the show. Let's give Adrian a big hand for coming down here, huh? Good to see ya. You kind of looked like a little bit like a vampire out there on the beach today.
Adrian Monk: Um, I'm not a vampire.
Chuck Byrn: Good thing. We're all gonna sleep better tonight knowing that. What are you doing here with the peanuts here, Adrian?
[He's looking at the row of peanuts on the counter]
Adrian Monk: This bowl had more, and I was helping to even them out.
Chuck Byrn: Evening out the peanuts. It's an important job. I think we might have hit the jackpot, folks.
[everyone laughs]
Chuck Byrn: Get comfy, Adrian. We're gonna be talking to you for a little while.
[quick cutaway to Benjy discovering the dead body in the video game machine]
Chuck Byrn: Now, this is fascinating. You keep your socks in baggies.
Adrian Monk: Uh, I really don't think it's that unusual.
Chuck Byrn: You don't think it's that unusual? Really. Maybe we could ask around. Does anyone else here keep their socks in baggies?
[Sharona still has her hands on her forehead]
Chuck Byrn: No. Sorry, Adrian. I think you're a freak.
[Monk starts to leave]
Chuck Byrn: Whoa! Not so fast, Adrian. Not so fast. You don't leave a slot machine when it's paying off, my friend. All right? So, you brought your own soap to the hotel.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Chuck Byrn: I guess because the hotel soap, that-that just wouldn't be clean?
[Sharona's date fails to control his laughter]
Chuck Byrn: Towels. Did you bring your own towels?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Chuck Byrn: Sheets? Pillowcases?
Adrian Monk: Of course.
Chuck Byrn: Of course, yeah. You realize most people show up at hotels, they show up so they can steal that crap?
[Monk starts to fuss with the microphone]
Chuck Byrn: What are-what are you doing? What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just-there was a little fuzz on it, a little lint.
Chuck Byrn: [takes it back] Yeah, but that's my lint. You can't take my lint. That's my lint. That's my area. That's where-that's where I keep my lint. That's my safe lint spot. You really want to pull it off there, don't you? It's breaking you up inside, isn't it?

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater (#2.6)" (2003)
Cheryl Fleming: [at dinner with Sharona and Benjy] You know, I always thought if anyone in this family ever would ended up in jail, it would be you.
Sharona Fleming: Arh. You know what? That's great. That's great. Right in front of Benjy?
Benjy Fleming: I don't mind.
Cheryl Fleming: No. You know what I'm talking about. Remember when you S-T-O-L-E the car?
Sharona Fleming: Ma, he's eleven years old. He can spell.

Sharona Fleming: Gail's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Adrian Monk: I hope it's the guy who designed these seats.

Jenna Ryan: [Jenna Ryan, an actress, is found to be involved in a murder] I had nothing to do with this! I swear! I swear.
Sharona Fleming: Shut up, bitch! Show's over.

Sharona Fleming: How was the dating?
Adrian Monk: It was hell. Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona Fleming: But you are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah.

[Sharona's mother rings the doorbell. Sharona panics]
Sharona Fleming: Listen, I may have told her a couple things that weren't exactly true.
Adrian Monk: Like what?
Sharona Fleming: Like, Benjy's on the honor roll.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Okay, no problem.
Sharona Fleming: Thanks.
[She turns to the door, but turns back]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, and my rent's only $900 a month.
Adrian Monk: Right.
Sharona Fleming: And Ronnie? I broke up with him, not the other way around. I'm seeing a new guy now, he's a stockbroker, but he's out of town for six weeks... and-and you have full medical, and a dental plan.
[She starts to open the door, but stops]
Sharona Fleming: And... I'm not your assistant. I'm your partner. Is that all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah... wow! Congratulations.
Sharona Fleming: Thanks.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy (#2.8)" (2003)
Sharona Fleming: I've got a kid.
Dexter Larson: Then tell your boss to get off my back.
Sharona Fleming: Okay, now you listen to me, you twisted, porn-peddling freak. You print those pictures, you're gonna hurt my son. You hurt my son, I am coming after you. And I am gonna dedicate my life to ruining yours.
Dexter Larson: Yeah? Well, take a number.

Lt. Randall Disher: The Sapphire Mansion? I've never been. Have you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, once.
Sharona Fleming: Did you tell Karen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, I did. In couples' counseling. We were playing the honesty game.
Lt. Randall Disher: Red Roof Inn?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. It was before they put that new wallpaper in the lobby.

[on learning that Monk and Sharona are on their way to the Sapphire Mansion]
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, sir, I think Monk may be on to something here. Maybe we should tag along.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, I think you're right.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, God...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, I'm married, not dead.

Dexter Larson: Sharona. That's a beautiful name. It's from the Bible, isn't it?
Sharona Fleming: You read the bible?
Dexter Larson: Not lately.

Dexter Larson: I was the kind of guy that a woman like you never talked to.
Sharona Fleming: You still are.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Panic Room (#3.2)" (2004)
Sharona Fleming: [to Benji] And you tell her to call Adrian. He'll know what to do... after I tell him.

Adrian Monk: Sharona, he was just standing up for a friend.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father.
Adrian Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
[rips off Benjy's Band-Aid for the umpteenth time]
Benjy Fleming: OW! Mom! Stop it!

[watching Sharona nuzzle Darwin]
Lt. Randall Disher: So how long have you two been dating?
Sharona Fleming: [to Darwin] He's just jealous because you're cuter than he is. And you smell better too.

Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, can I run a theory by you?
Adrian Monk: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: What if Ian Blackburn trained the chimpanzee to shoot him in the panic room?
Adrian Monk: Why would he do that?
Lt. Randall Disher: So his wife could collect the insurance. Thus, suicide by monkey.
Sharona Fleming: Thus, theory by monkey.
Adrian Monk: Randy, Ian Blackburn had a $100,000 life insurance policy. Chloe is worth, what, $20 million? It doesn't seem worth it.

Sharona Fleming: [opens the door to find Stottlemeyer and Disher waiting] Hey.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we need to talk.
Sharona Fleming: About what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you know.
[They walk into the house, which looks like an earthquake has hit it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What happened here? Did you have a party?
Sharona Fleming: It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
Sharona Fleming: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're going to find him. Is he here?
[Disher takes out his gun and begins searching the house]
Sharona Fleming: Hey, would you put that away? This is my house!
Lt. Randall Disher: He's killed before.
Sharona Fleming: No he hasn't!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
Lt. Randall Disher: [walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Roger that.
[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?
Sharona Fleming: Benjy threw up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] On the wall?
Sharona Fleming: It was pretty awful.
Lt. Randall Disher: [heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!
[notices that it's just a stuffed animal]
Lt. Randall Disher: False alarm! False alarm!
[Sharona grabs the teddy bear from Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect (#2.7)" (2003)
[Monk and Sharona narrowly survived a bomb blast]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, they pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights three days ago.
Lt. Randall Disher: Different post office, same type of explosive.
Adrian Monk: [yelling] Well, don't use that bathroom, it's a mess!
Sharona Fleming: You don't have to shout!
Adrian Monk: [still yelling] Why are you whispering?

Sharona Fleming: And by the time they were delivered, Brian had a perfect alibi.
Agent Grooms: He put himself in a coma? That's his alibi? That's the stupidest plan I ever heard of! He came this close to killing himself.

[Sharona is holding a time bomb]
Sharona Fleming: What is that?
Adrian Monk: Light turned green.
Ricky Babbage: [on the phone with the bomb squad] Light turned green... he says you have ten seconds, cut one of the wires!
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Ricky Babbage: Either one, it doesn't matter!
Sharona Fleming: Oh, God...
Adrian Monk: Blue... no, no, red...
Sharona Fleming: Cut one, cut the blue one!
Ricky Babbage: Five seconds!
Adrian Monk: Why blue?
Sharona Fleming: Oh, well cut the red one!
Adrian Monk: You said blue!
Ricky Babbage: Three seconds!
Sharona Fleming: [screaming] ADRIAN, CUT ONE!
Adrian Monk: I'LL CUT 'EM BOTH!

Lt. Randall Disher: You okay?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, just your basic mail bomb. No big deal.
Lt. Randall Disher: I heard you're moving. New Jersey.
Sharona Fleming: You gonna miss me?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nah... well, maybe a little.
Sharona Fleming: Do me a favor and call me sometime, to remind me why I left.
Lt. Randall Disher: [smiles] I'll do that.

[Arriving at Brian Babbage's house, Sharona and Monk ring the doorbell. Maria opens the door, letting out sounds of a large party inside]
Sharona Fleming: Uh, hi. This is Adrian Monk, I'm Sharona Fleming, we're helping the police with...
Maria: [alarmed] He didn't wake up, did he?
Sharona Fleming: ...No.
Maria: [exhales] Oh, thank God. Come on in!

"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather (#3.5)" (2004)
Disher: You know, some people think I'm dangerous.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, people driving behind you.

[the FBI want Monk to wear a wire for a meeting with a mob boss]
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, let me show you this. You see, these days we can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list]
Adrian Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you?
[Colmes nods]
Adrian Monk: Okay, no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona Fleming: What if you had to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Right, good point. Number Four...
Adrian Monk: Even if I *die*, don't let them do Number Four.
Disher: Number Five?
Adrian Monk: ...Okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona Fleming: That's only for women!
Disher: Oh! Right.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... I can do that.
Agent Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Adrian Monk: Not Four.

[Monk and Sharona are brought to meet mob boss Lucarelli, who's chopping fish in the kitchen of a restaurant]
Salvatore Lucarelli: Mr. Monk!
[he shakes hands, Adrian immediately starts wiping his down]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, he-he does this with everybody, really, he doesn't mean any disrespect.
Salvatore Lucarelli: [shrugs, chuckling] I have blood on my hands.
Adrian Monk: Yes, you do.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks into the room, speaking to an agent] Hey! I showed them my ID downstairs. I just got to talk to my friend! You reaching for your gun? If you're reaching for your gun, you'd better pull it. Stand aside.
[says hello to Monk, then turns to Colmes]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Colmes! What do you think you're doing?
Agent Colmes: This is a federal operation, Captain. You have no business being here.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, neither does he. What's going on?
Sharona Fleming: They want Adrian to go undercover in the Lucarelli family.
[Disher looks at a photo of Sharona speaking with Fat Tony outside Salvatore's restaurant]
Disher: What's up with this picture of you and Fat Tony?
Sharona Fleming: Nothing! And don't call him that!
[She finds it offensive, because Fat Tony isn't fat any more]
Disher: What? Are you defending him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Colmes] Why don't you start by telling them about what happened to the last agent that tried to infiltrate the family? That means start by telling them where we found the body buried!
Sharona Fleming: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Buried?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually the parts that they found.
Agent Colmes: Okay, that's a different situation. That agent's cover was blown. Monk's been invited in. They already know that he's a cop.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Earthquake (#1.11)" (2002)
[Sharona and Benjy are barred from their street after the earthquake]
Sharona Fleming: We'll go to Aunt Gail's.
Benjy Fleming: Why can't we stay with Mr. Monk?
Sharona Fleming: Because I will go crazy *slower* at Aunt Gail's.

[as they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Monk attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room]
Father Hatcher: Um... Where's he from?
Sharona Fleming: Neptune.
Adrian Monk: [Meanwhile, Monk begins wandering through the other room. While their conversation continues, Monk begins to straighten pictures on the walls. Then he stops, something seems odd to him] Dwon lear brannegaa nusis?
[He begins walking around, examining each wall more closely. He looks at the wall unit that crushed Henry Rutherford. Taking a kerchief from his breast pocket, he drags the cloth down the back of the unit. It comes up clean. At that moment, Sharona walks in, eyes tired]
Adrian Monk: Leego on forgi garrus.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, she'll be all right.
[It doesn't seem like the response Monk wanted. He looks around again, brows pulled together in concern]
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: [suddenly snapping out of his "rattled by earthquake" mode] Bavioski. Che sagl not right about this room.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you can talk!
Adrian Monk: Of course I can talk! What is wrong with you?
Sharona Fleming: Nothing is wrong with me!

Sharona Fleming: Don't do this. Every time I like somebody, you ruin it.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Airplane (#1.13)" (2002)
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. It's Tim Daly.
Adrian Monk: Who's Tim Daly?
Sharona Fleming: He's an actor - he was in "Wings."
Adrian Monk: Was it any good?
Sharona Fleming: Well, *he* was.

Sharona Fleming: That is Tim Daly I love him!
Adrian Monk: What is he some kind of actor?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah yeah he was on that show Wings!
Adrian Monk: Never saw it, was it good?
Sharona Fleming: Well, he was.

Sharona Fleming: He always thinks people are killing each other.
Adrian Monk: And I'll tell you why. Because they are.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan (#3.1)" (2004)
Sharona Fleming: That man took a whizz in the subway. *That* man killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: [mumbling] The murderer.

[Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway]
Sharona Fleming: Sir! Sir! You've gotta stop that train! He's all alone-!
Transit Cop: Okay, okay, ma'am, okay, calm down. Now, it happens all the time.
[lifts his radio]
Transit Cop: What's his name?
Sharona Fleming: Adrian Monk.
Transit Cop: And how old is he?
Sharona Fleming: He's forty-five.

Adrian Monk: [to the murder suspect] You had the hotel key card, so you knew where he was staying. You ran the whole way. You probably didn't even notice that it was starting to rain... you. It was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
[confused, everyone turns to look where Monk is pointing]
Busboy: Me?
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing? He's a busboy!
Adrian Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you, don't-don't try to deny it...!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk...
Adrian Monk: We saw what you...!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Jail (#2.16)" (2004)
[Monk is investigating a prison]
Adrian Monk: I'm out of here. This place is like a prison.
Sharona Fleming: It IS a prison.

Dale the Whale: The bomb that took Trudy from you was not intended for you. It was meant for her.
[Monk sinks into a chair, stunned]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian...
Adrian Monk: It was her they were after?
Dale the Whale: I know you've always blamed yourself for your death. Now you don't have to. I absolve you, Adrian Monk. There's my good deed for the decade.
Adrian Monk: Why? Why her?
Dale the Whale: Oh, I can't help you there. You ever been to New York?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dale the Whale: Have Sharona pack your bags. That's where you'll find the man you're looking for. His name is Warrick Tennyson.
Adrian Monk: Did... did he kill her?
Dale the Whale: He was... involved. That's all I have.

Dale the Whale: I want to make you an offer...
Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!
Dale the Whale: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you?

"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine (#3.9)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: [screams at Sharona who is racing to a crime scene] A "Stop" sign is not a suggestion!
Sharona Fleming: Yes, it is!

Sharona Fleming: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk (as "The Monk"): New Orleans, Mardi Gras.
Sharona Fleming: Mardi Gras's not for another nine months!
Adrian Monk (as "The Monk"): Hey, you know what they say. Wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.

[Monk is wearing a luau shirt]
Sharona Fleming: What are you wearing?
Adrian Monk: It's a little something called "style." You wouldn't understand.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Candidate: Part 2 (#1.2)" (2002)
[after a tense standoff between Monk and Stottlemeyer]
Sharona Fleming: [to Disher] What is that, your tough look?

[after Monk rescues Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: What the *hell* were you thinking?
Adrian Monk: You kept saying, "shoot him! Shoot him!"
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, I could have been killed!
Adrian Monk: I knew what I was doing, I was aiming high. He's like twenty feet tall!
Sharona Fleming: What if you missed? You could have missed!
Adrian Monk: Oh, right! How could I have missed? The guy's King Kong!
Sharona Fleming: What if it ricocheted?
Adrian Monk: ...Oh, that-that's true. I didn't think of that.

Sharona Fleming: [seeing Sykes] He's leaving. I'm gonna follow him.
Adrian Monk: Where are you going, Sharona? Just stay put.
Sharona Fleming: [not listening] He's stashing his gun... he's going downstairs...
Adrian Monk: All right, just stay put! Stay right where you are!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who does she think she is?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, Lois Lane.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Psychic (#1.3)" (2002)
Sharona Fleming: [at the Ashcombes' house] This... is a nice place. Obviously who ever lives here doesn't work for you.
Adrian Monk: The late Mrs. Ashcombe was richer than Canada.

Adrian Monk: [about Ashcombe's wife] You don't believe it was an accident?
Jennifer Zepetelli: All I know is, Harry Ashcombe is a very dangerous man. I hope you know what you're doing.
[cut to later, in Monk's apartment]
Sharona Fleming: Do you know what you're doing?
Adrian Monk: Relax, I have been handling refrigerators since I was fifteen.
Sharona Fleming: I mean about the case. The former Commissioner isn't just another suspect, Adrian. He is connected. He is the man, and you'd better be sure about this.
Adrian Monk: I'm as sure as I can be... without, any, you know, proof.
[Sharona face-palms]

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Paperboy (#2.10)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: [police officers are investigating his home] If something spills, I want to be here.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, trust me... if something spills, you do not want to be here.
Adrian Monk: That's a good point...

[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Why do you say that? Why do you torture me?
Sharona Fleming: Because I can.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Blackout (#3.3)" (2004)
Sharona Fleming: I'm going to Hell. I'm a horrible person.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Sharona Fleming: I just told that woman, Michelle, that there was nothing wrong with you.
Adrian Monk: She should have asked me.

[the team arrives at a construction site to talk to Alby Drake about Winston Brenner]
Alby Drake: No, I'm not being reasonable. I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!
[Monk and Sharona arrive]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: Who is he?
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree hugger.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend. They were roommates at MIT.
Adrian Monk: How long has he been up there?
Construction Foreman: Ten days. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.
[Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The FBI - in their infinite wisdom - now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico (#2.2)" (2003)
[Monk is dehydrated]
Adrian Monk: He was a thirsty victim...
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: I mean a perfect victim...

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star (#2.12)" (2004)
Sharona Fleming: I think You enjoy stabbing and shooting me.
Adrian Monk: No I don't enjoy it... But it's my job.

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny (#2.13)" (2004)
[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god!
Sharona Fleming: [seeing through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona Fleming: What's that on your face?
Lt. Randall Disher: Dirt.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy.
[Monk does so]

"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife (#2.14)" (2004)
[visiting Karen in the hospital]
Sharona Fleming: How do you feel?
Karen Stottlemeyer: [grins] Like I got hit by a truck.