Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck
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Quotes for
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck (Character)
from "Monk" (2002)

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"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale (#1.4)" (2002)
Biederbeck: Where were we? Bread and butter.
Adrian Monk: [shocked] What?
Biederbeck: "Bread and butter." Those were Trudy's last words, weren't they? The transcript of the coroner's inquest is a matter of public record. The Internet, Monk; it's the fat man's best friend. It's been troubling me for years. What could she have meant? "Bread and butter."
Adrian Monk: Go to hell.
Biederbeck: [laughing] No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap-accessible.

Biederbeck: [to Randy, standing at Dale's window] Excuse me? Excuse me, PUTZ? You're blocking the view. It's really all I have.

Biederbeck: Well, my, my, my, it's the boys in blue!
[to Monk]
Biederbeck: And the former boy in blue! Forgive me if I don't get up.

Dr. Christian Vezza: Biederbeck, you're an abomination. An odious, gluttonous... putrid freak of nature.
Biederbeck: Wow, it's been a long time since anyone's called me THAT.

Adrian Monk: [Monk receives a phone call at Sharona's house] Hello?
Biederbeck: Bread and butter. Bread and butter. It's been driving me crazy. What could she have possibly meant? Bread and butter. I figure it was a message. A secret message, just for you.
Adrian Monk: What can I do for you, Dale?
Biederbeck: Well, I'm a little worried about Sharona. She sort of fell apart on us last night. I'm really not sure if we can count on her, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: You have other things to worry about.
Biederbeck: You can't scare me. Don't even try. You're meek. Meeky meek meek.

Biederbeck: [referring to Monk] Hey, did he tell you about his wife and me?
Sharona Fleming: I know all about it.
Biederbeck: No, you don't. He didn't tell you. He's too ashamed. See, nine years ago, his beloved Trudy wrote a piece on me in which she said I was, 'the Genghis Khan of world finance.' So I sued her and the rag that published the piece. Now, I knew I couldn't win, but I dragged things on long enough that eventually Mr. and Mrs. Monk had to sell everything. Even that cute little starter house they lived in. You know who owns it now?
Sharona Fleming: You.
Biederbeck: Mm-hmm. I use it to store my pornography collection. Which reminds me, are you interested in earning a little extra money?

Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!
Adrian Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.
Biederbeck: [enraged] YOU...! YOU...!
[reaches out in an attempt to strangle Monk]
Sharona Fleming: What's he doing?
Adrian Monk: [leaning in closer to Dale, staying just out of reach] I think he's trying to kill me.
[Dale finally gives up, flopping back on the bed in exhaustion]
Adrian Monk: Wasn't really much of a fight, was it?

Biederbeck: [as Monk enters] Well, my, my, my! It's the Defective Detective once more. Lay it on me, Einstein!

[watching a Congressional hearing on TV]
Biederbeck: [into phone] I know your boss is busy, Danny, I'm watching it! Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now. Not later, now. Is he in or out? If he's in, tell him to... clean his glasses.
[on the TV, a Congressman's aide leans over and whispers in his ear; the Congressman takes off his glasses and polishes them]
Biederbeck: Congratulate the Congressman; he's just been re-elected to a fifth term.
[hangs up and laughs to himself]
Biederbeck: Oh, it's better than the Home Shopping Network.

Sharona Fleming: What kind of dog is that?
[she reaches across Biederbeck's stomach to feel it]
Biederbeck: Now, sweetheart, if you want to feel my stomach, all you have to do is ask.
Sharona Fleming: I wasn't...
Biederbeck: Of course you were! You're wondering what they're all wondering. "My God, can he really be that big?" Let's find out, shall we?
[lifting the front of his pajamas]
Biederbeck: Totally al fresco!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm here to arrest you for the murder of Judge Catherine Lavinio. That's a warrant, duly sworn.
Biederbeck: Sweetheart, I'll have to call you back. Doctor, would you call Martin Klein and tell him we're suing the city for malicious prosecution, again?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I have hired a construction company to take out this door, we're gonna get a crane up here and lower your fat ass down to the street.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you at around midnight last night?
Biederbeck: Where was I? Let me think... where was I? Oh, yes, I was here! I haven't left this room in eleven years, I'm five and a half feet wide, in case you didn't notice!
[to Sharona]
Biederbeck: More of me to love, honey.

"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Jail (#2.16)" (2004)
Dale the Whale: I wouldn't bend down to pick up $1,200. I mean, even if I could.

Dale the Whale: The bomb that took Trudy from you was not intended for you. It was meant for her.
[Monk sinks into a chair, stunned]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian...
Adrian Monk: It was her they were after?
Dale the Whale: I know you've always blamed yourself for your death. Now you don't have to. I absolve you, Adrian Monk. There's my good deed for the decade.
Adrian Monk: Why? Why her?
Dale the Whale: Oh, I can't help you there. You ever been to New York?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dale the Whale: Have Sharona pack your bags. That's where you'll find the man you're looking for. His name is Warrick Tennyson.
Adrian Monk: Did... did he kill her?
Dale the Whale: He was... involved. That's all I have.

Adrian Monk: [looking at Biederbeck's luxurious jail cell] It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
Dale the Whale: Well, why wouldn't it?
[indicates his bloated body]
Dale the Whale: I've been inside this prison all my life.
Adrian Monk: That's very poetic, Dale.
Dale the Whale: Of course, it doesn't compare with the one you built for yourself.

Adrian Monk: What is it you want, Dale? You said it was important.
Dale the Whale: Well, there's the Adrian Monk we all know and love! Your fear is huge, but your curiosity is huger.

[last lines] [through his newly-installed window, Dale the Whale watches a plane flying east]
Dale the Whale: Bon voyage, Mr. Monk.

Dale the Whale: [choking] Don't make me laugh. It hurts.

Dale the Whale: I want to make you an offer...
Sharona Fleming: Oh please, drop dead!
Dale the Whale: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you?

"Monk: Mr. Monk Is on the Run: Part 2 (#6.16)" (2008)
[as Monk taunts him about the loss of all his special privileges]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Are you having fun?
Adrian Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.

Adrian Monk: Hello, Dale.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Adrian Monk. Why am I not surprised?
Adrian Monk: I tried to call, but apparently your phone's been disconnected.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Yes, I should have done it years ago! Fewer distractions.
Adrian Monk: I see they took your bed, and your computer.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: They were cluttering up the room. You know me, Monk: I've always been a simple man of philosophic joys.

Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourado found some old letters in Frank Nunn's apartment. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: You have a name!
Adrian Monk: Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Can't? Or won't?

Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.
Adrian Monk: The important thing is, that you're off the street.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: [laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold *me*?
Adrian Monk: [taps one with his shoe. It doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong.

[last lines]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, *another* billion dollars!
[Monk and Natalie walk away]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: You hear me? Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes, you are.

Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Make me happy.
Sheriff John Rollins: She's on the move. Looks like a real road trip. She took her daughter to a neighbor's and packed a suitcase.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Stay-with-her. She'll lead you right to him.
Sheriff John Rollins: What do I do when I find him?
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Do you really have to ask?
Sheriff John Rollins: No, sir. I do not.