Adrian Monk
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Quotes for
Adrian Monk (Character)
from "Monk" (2002)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum (#1.6)" (2002)
[Manny is climbing on the roof]
Adrian Monk: Be careful! There's a lot of gravity out there!

[Monk enters a house and starts putting away his groceries, then calls Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Hello?
Adrian Monk: Hi. It's me. Where do I keep the large casserole dish? I can't find it anywhere.
Sharona Fleming: Right of the sink, upper middle cabinet.
Adrian Monk: *Right* of the sink, upper middle, no. No, popcorn maker's in there.
Sharona Fleming: What is?
Adrian Monk: Popcorn maker.
Sharona Fleming: You don't have a popcorn maker.
Adrian Monk: I think I do; I'm looking right at it.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you're in the wrong house.

[John is giving Monk the grand tour of the hospital]
John Wurster: This is the Monkey Room. Funny story about how it got its name.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
John Wurster: We don't know. We just know that there's a funny story.

[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Good news. I'm seriously considering you for employee of the month.
Sharona Fleming: Thanks, boss. I'll see you tomorrow.

Sharona Fleming: He takes three showers every day with this star-shaped nozzle. This is the nozzle. And he needs a five watt night light for sleeping. Anything more, he won't sleep and dark-colored pillowcases.
Adrian Monk: Sharona?
Sharona Fleming: Nothing light, okay?
Adrian Monk: Sharona?
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: You're scaring the man.
Sharona Fleming: No, I'm not.
Adrian Monk: Well, you're scaring me.
Oliver: Ma'am, your friend's in good hands. I'm going to look after him personally. You can trust me.
Sharona Fleming: Mmm-hmmm.
Adrian Monk: See? I'm gonna be okay. You're worrying more than I am.
Sharona Fleming: Look. I can't protect you here, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: What could happen? It's a hospital.
Dr. Charles Kroger: This is all gonna be over before you even know it.

[Monk is in Dr. Lancaster's office]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Neurotriptyline, Mr. Monk. It's a very mild sedative. It's a little bit like warm milk. You do drink milk, don't you?
Adrian Monk: Never.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Ah well, you just have to take my word for it.
Adrian Monk: I'd rather not take any medication while I'm in here.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Why do you say that?
Adrian Monk: Because I don't need it. I shouldn't even be here. I know you-you probably have heard that before.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Why don't you grab a seat, and we'll talk about it?
[Monk looks at the two seats]
Adrian Monk: This... is a test, isn't it?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: What do you mean?
Adrian Monk: You want to see which chair I pick.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: No, Adrian. It's not a test. Just grab a seat.
[Monk sits in the left chair]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Oh, the left chair. Very interesting. Hmm. I'm just kidding. Relax. It's just a joke.
[Monk chuckles]
Adrian Monk: That's a marlin, isn't it?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Mm-hmm, that's right. It's one of two things I managed to catch in Mexico in '97.
Adrian Monk: What was the other?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Dysentry.
Adrian Monk: What about last week? Did you catch anything?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: You just got back from another fishing trip. You were in South America. Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: I was in Argentina, but how did you know all that?
Adrian Monk: You have needle marks on your arm. It's obviously an inoculation. And your Inbox is pretty full.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: And South America?
Adrian Monk: The Customs seal on the cigar box. It's dated last week.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: But how did you know it was specifically a fishing trip?
Adrian Monk: You have a blister on the index finger of your right hand just above the knuckle.
[stands up and makes his way to the fishing rod]
Adrian Monk: On most fishing rods, the line chafes the index finger just above the knuckle.

Dr. Moris Lancaster: Well, that's very impressive. We both have similar jobs. We both analyze clues and solve problems. Only you look outward, and I look inward. So, now. It's my turn. So, sit.
[Monk does so]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: What were you doing in Trudy's old house yesterday? Your late wife lived there for...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I-I don't know why I go there.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Well, I'm gonna hazard a guess. I think you went there yesterday to cook Trudy dinner.
Adrian Monk: To cook, Tr-well, that's absurd.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Your file says that you're allergic to tomatoes. So, the chicken cacciatore was for her, wasn't it? And I'll bet you it was her favorite meal.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
[holds back his tears]
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: So-so, um, what was so significant about yesterday?
Adrian Monk: No. Nothing.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: August 12th. Unless I'm wrong-which, you know, I'm not, the date has some significance.
Adrian Monk: Our anniversary. Not our wedding anniversary. It was the day we met. It was the day we met.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: You know, it-it's not unhealthy or wrong to observe an anniversary, but we're gonna find a way for you to do it privately. Would that be okay?
Adrian Monk: Yes, please.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: I think that your analytical powers, they're dazzling. But I think you use them as a prop.
Adrian Monk: A prop?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: As a way to avoid dealing with your real problems. So, while you're here. Do me a favor. Don't be a detective. Let me be the detective. Okay?

[Monk is led to his room]
Oliver: Here's your schedule. The events underlined are not optional. They're mandatory. It means you have to go.
Adrian Monk: I know what "mandatory" means.
Oliver: Lights out at 9 o'clock. Any questions?
Adrian Monk: Can I make a phone call?
Oliver: You're allowed one outgoing phone call everyday. Your time slot's 11:25 AM. If you're late, you're gonna have to wait till tomorrow. Do you want the door open or shut?
Adrian Monk: [indecisively] Shut. Um - uh, open. No, wait - shut. No. Oh - oh - oh...
[Oliver closes door behind him]
Adrian Monk: ...definitely open. Just open. Definitely open. Open.

John Wurster: [leading Monk around the Institute] The cafeteria closes at 7:00. It's buffet style. This is the Music Room.
[pointing down a corridor]
John Wurster: And if you go through these doors, down the hall, that'll take you to the infirmary.
[they reach another room]
John Wurster: This is the Monkey Room. Funny story about how it got its name.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
John Wurster: We don't know. We just know there's a funny story.
Adrian Monk: What's all this?
[They enter a section of the Institute that is undergoing renovation]
John Wurster: They're tearing down the old wall. They're bringin' it up to code. It's a pretty big project. I used to be in construction myself.
Adrian Monk: Before you became a cop.
John Wurster: Exactly. Yeah.
[They enter a hallway with pictures of past Directors on the wall]
Adrian Monk: Who's this?
[points at the first photo]
John Wurster: This is Doris Medford. She was the first director here. These are all the other directors.
[John points at each photograph]
John Wurster: Dead. Dead. Dead.
[John points at Dr. Morris Lancaster's photo]
John Wurster: Not dead... yet.
[a woman, Torch, passes by]
Torch: Hello, Wurster.
John Wurster: That's Torch. She burned her boyfriend's house down.
[They pass by the door to the Quiet Room]
John Wurster: This is the Quiet Room. Don't get sent here.
[They pass by the door to the Medical Supply Room]
John Wurster: Oh, boy.
Adrian Monk: What's this?
John Wurster: This is the Medical Supply Room. Gives me the creeps.
Adrian Monk: Why?
John Wurster: There was a murder here.
Adrian Monk: Oh, really. A murder.
John Wurster: An unsolved murder. Conrad Gould, the assistant director, well, he was killed right here four years ago.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
John Wurster: He was a great guy. Gave me magazines. Playboys. Hey. Hey, maybe we can solve it together, huh?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, sure. Great. What happened, exactly?
John Wurster: Well, Dr. Gould was taking inventory, like he did every night. A patient named Bill LaFrankie was waiting for him.
[In a sepia flashback, Bill LaFrankie shoots and kills Dr. Gould in the medical supply room after Dr. Gould comes in while doing the rounds]
John Wurster: Capped him in the chest. Then he fled S.O.C.
Adrian Monk: "S.O.C."?
John Wurster: Yeah, "Scene of the crime". It's cop talk.
[In another sepia flashback, we see cops over LaFrankie's dead body in the woods]
John Wurster: They found him in the woods the next morning. He was dead. He shot himself up with Demerol.
Adrian Monk: Uh, I'm a little confused. Why would you call it an unsolved murder?
John Wurster: Well, I wasn't 100% satisfied with the official version.

Adrian Monk: You weren't?
John Wurster: No, sir. They never found the gun first of all. Plus, Bill LaFrankie was my roommate. He was a devout Buddhist. He wouldn't hurt a spider. Speaking of spiders, there was a guy here named Jim Robertello about two-two years ago. No. About three years ago. No, no, no. Two years-two or three-about two and a half years ago maybe.
Adrian Monk: It doesn't really matter.
John Wurster: It doesn't really matter how many years ago it was. But he had a spider named Jesse-Jesse the spider. And Jesse, everytime you played a Willie Nelson record, he would start dancing.

Dr. Moris Lancaster: Remember, this is supposed to be a self portrait. How do you feel about yourself? Look deep inside. There's no right or wrong.
[looks over one patient's work]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Very good. I love those eyes.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, Doctor. Is there a sink nearby?
[Janie sighs]
Adrian Monk: I-I-I need to wash up.
Janie: Will you shut him up! He has been whining since he walked in here. It's too hot. It's too cold. I have charcoal on my hands!
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Jane, what did we talk about yesterday?
Janie: Controlling the urge to lash out.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Do you have something you wanna say to Mr. Monk?
Janie: [sighs] Sorry.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. I do have a little charcoal on my hands.
Manny: Dr. Lancaster, guess what I'm painting!
Everyone: Santa Claus!
Dr. Moris Lancaster: All right, all right.
[He looks at Manny's work]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Huh. Well, you know this is supposed to be a self-portrait.
[We see that Manny has painted a HUGE Santa Claus, with a tiny boy at his feet]
Manny: [points to the little boy] That's me.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Hmm. Why are you so small?
Manny: Everybody's small compared to Santa.
[Janie turns to Monk]
Janie: He actually sits up every night and waits for him.
Manny: I have a feeling he's on his way. It's definitely getting colder outside.
Janie: It's August, whackjob!
Dr. Moris Lancaster: It's all right. Back to work. Come on. Come on. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Adrian Monk: I went to the Stop & Shop, but instead of walking home up Divisadero Street, I-I turned left, and I walked down Trudy's old street to her house. Door was open, so I walked in.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: And how did you feel being in the house again?
Adrian Monk: Content. Not a care in the world.
John Wurster: Adrian, when did this urge begin to manifest itself?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: John, I'll run the therapy session today, okay?
John Wurster: Fair enough.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: And later, you and I can talk privately.
John Wurster: About Monk?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: No, about your tendency to overempathize.
John Wurster: I feel like I'm back in medical school again.
Manny: Dr. Lancaster, can I go next?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Just a minute. Just a minute, okay? Go ahead.
Adrian Monk: I, uh, I really feel sorry for the Haskells.
John Wurster: Who are the Haskells?
Adrian Monk: The couple that live in the house. Nick and Josie. Sweet people, and uh, I-
[turns to Janie]
Adrian Monk: -My wife had a necklace exactly like that.

Dr. Moris Lancaster: [scolding Monk in his office] Now, listen to me, Mr. Monk. Not only was Dr. Gould my colleague, he was my best friend. And I do not appreciate you joking about it.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't joking.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Mm-hmm.
[takes back the newspaper clipping about Dr. Gould's murder]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Do you know what delusion is? It's a false belief sustained despite clear evidence to the contrary.
Adrian Monk: [turns his attention to the fishing rod] The fishing line.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Pardon me? What?
Adrian Monk: There was a fishing line in this rod. Where did it go?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Well, what do you think happened to it? You think I used it to strangle somebody on the ward?
[Jane barges in]
Janie: Dr. Lancaster! I'm sorry to interrupt, but I heard he was in here.
[She confronts Monk]
Janie: Where is it?
Adrian Monk: What?
Janie: You know what! My necklace, the one you said reminded you of your wife. He stole it. I know he did.
Adrian Monk: This is ridiculous!
Janie: I took it off in the infirmary. That's the last time I had it. You were in there!
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Well, there's a simple way to solve this. Adrian, empty your pockets.
[Monk empties his pockets and the necklace is there]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god.
Janie: Thank you.
[snatches it]
Janie: VERY MUCH!
Adrian Monk: How did that get there? I swear I... don't remember taking it.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: I know you don't. I know.

Dr. Moris Lancaster: If anything, his behavior has deteriorated. We may have to keep him here longer than we thought.
Sharona Fleming: Well, how much longer?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: That's hard to say. It could be a month.
Sharona Fleming: A month?
[They examine Monk, standing out in the garden]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: It could be as long as a year. Adrian is bipolar. He's delusional and he's paranoid. He sees murder mysteries everywhere he turns. In fact, he's befriended another patient, and the two of them are trying to prove that Santa Claus really does exist.
Sharona Fleming: Santa Claus?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Mm-hmm. They went out on the roof collecting evidence. It would be funny if it wasn't so... dysfunctional.
[Dr. Lancaster and Sharona meet Monk]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Adrian, look who's here.
Sharona Fleming: Hey, boss. How you feelin'?
Adrian Monk: Ah, I feel good. I can't-I can't wait to go home.
Sharona Fleming: Well, we were just talking about that.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Adrian, would you mind if I showed your friend some of the artwork that you made yesterday?
[He shows some artwork]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Oh, here it is. Wait a minute.
[shows them a disturbed image of Trudy's grave]
Adrian Monk: Did I draw that?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: You don't remember? Isn't that Trudy's grave?
Sharona Fleming: Um, Dr. Lancaster said that you saw Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: [scoffs] No, we didn't actually see him. Manny took a picture, but he lost the camera. But we found a piece of a red suit.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: We'd love to see it, Adrian.
[Monk looks through his pockets for the piece of Santa fabric that he found, but he finds it missing]
Adrian Monk: It was here. It was in here. A little piece of fabric, you know, of Santa's-Santa's, you know, suit. Okay, no, no. It was a piece of... fabric, and...
Sharona Fleming: Doctor? Can I talk to you privately?
Adrian Monk: Like... Santa's tuis.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Sure.
[He and Sharona walk away]
Sharona Fleming: He's not himself. He needs me. Look, I could be here two, three times a week, okay? I still have my license. Maybe they can give me a job here.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Sharona, I know you mean well, but the less contact Adrian has with his old life, the better. You can write him a letter. You can bring him something from home. I'm sure he'd like that, but no visits.
[Sharona approaches Monk, who is looking under his bed]
Sharona Fleming: Look, Adrian. I-listen, I-I can't take you home right now.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, look at his shoes, just look at his shoes. They're smudged. Could be soot. Those are boat shoes. They're made for traction. And I think, he has been walking on the roof.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, just try to listen to Dr. Lancaster, okay?

Dr. Moris Lancaster: [catching Monk in his office] There you are. I warned you not to play detective in my hospital.
Adrian Monk: This is Bill LaFrankie's file. There's no way this man killed himself like they said.
[Dr. Lancaster calls down the hallway]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: He's in here!
Adrian Monk: He suffered from belonephobia. He had a pathological fear of needles.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: You're a smart man. Let's see what kind of witness you are-
[grabs the file from Monk]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: -with a functioning IQ of 17.
[Oliver enters the room and grabs Monk]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Mr. Monk came here to try and kill me.
Adrian Monk: What? Wait.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: I think he needs some time in the Quiet Room, Oliver.
Adrian Monk: No. Wait!
Dr. Moris Lancaster: It's for your own good, Adrian.
[They lock him in the Quiet Room. Dr. Lancaster and Oliver enter]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: How much?
Oliver: Two c.c.'s of Thorazine.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Mm-hmm. Make it four.
Oliver: Four? Are you sure? He can't weigh more than 160 pounds.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Did you just graduate from medical school in the last 45 minutes?
Oliver: No, sir.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Then do what the hell you're told. Give this patient 4 c.c.'s of Thorazine.
Oliver: I gotta go upstairs and get some more.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Make it quick.

[Monk and Manny see Dr. Lancaster in a Santa suit heading for the chimney]
Adrian Monk: I knew it.
Manny: Well, what's he doing?
Adrian Monk: He's going fishing.
[Dr. Lancaster lowers a fishing line from his office down the chimney]
Manny: For what?
Adrian Monk: The gun, Manny. He has to find it before the construction crew stumbles onto it. Then he'll get rid of it for good, and I'll never be able to prove any of this.
Manny: I love you, Santa!
[opens the window]
Adrian Monk: Manny.
Manny: Oh!
Adrian Monk: Manny. Manny, no. No.
[He stops Manny from crawling out the window]
Adrian Monk: No. No. Stay here. I need you to take pictures.
[Monk crawls out instead]
Manny: I don't understand what he's doing.
Adrian Monk: [to himself] Don't look down. Don't look down.
[He turns to Santa]
Adrian Monk: How's the fishing, Doctor?
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Monk. How did you get up here?
Manny: Santa Claus!
[takes a picture]
Adrian Monk: This is why you put Manny in that room, 'cause you knew you could spend all night up here and nobody would ever believe he really did see Santa Claus.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Nobody but you, Monk, and who's gonna believe you? You're clinically insane, remember?
Adrian Monk: We'll find the gun, Doctor, right where you dropped it. And that's all the proof I'll need.
[the scene changes to a flashback of Dr. Lancaster hiding in the medical supply room]
Adrian Monk: [voiceover] You couldn't stand it. The board of directors gave your job to Dr. Gould. You killed him.
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Dr. Gould?
[Dr. Gould turns around, and Dr. Lancaster quickly draws out his gun and shoots Dr. Gould three times. The doctor falls to the floor, dead. Cuts to Dr. Lancaster taking drugs out of the cabinet]
Adrian Monk: [voiceover] You stole some drugs to make it look like a patient did it.
[We see him leading Bill LaFrankie into the woods]
Adrian Monk: You needed a fall guy. LaFrankie fit the bill. You probably got LaFrankie all doped up, then lured him into the woods where the cops found him the next day. You only had one problem: the murder weapon. It was registered in your name.
[Dr. Lancaster drops the gun down the chimney]
Adrian Monk: You had to get rid of the gun before the cops showed up. And you found the perfect place to hide it.
[Flashback ends]
Manny: Hey! You can't talk to Santa Claus like that.
Adrian Monk: Manny.
[Manny slips]
Adrian Monk: Manny!
Manny: Santa! Help me!
[Dr. Lancaster finds the gun]
Dr. Moris Lancaster: Well, well, well. What have we here?
[Monk tries to keep Manny from falling]
Manny: Wait a minute. You're not really Santa Claus.
[Dr. Lancaster points the gun at Monk]
Manny: Monk, be careful! He's not really Santa Claus.
[Dr. Lancaster pulls the trigger, but much to his shock, nothing happens]
Adrian Monk: Gun's been lodged in that chimney for four years. I'm guessing the chamber and the metal firing pin are completely oxidized.

Dr. Charles Kroger: You're going to be fine. They just want to spend 48 hours with you to observe and evaluate.
[Monk notices a broken sign board]
Adrian Monk: Gee, that "B" - it's broken. Looks like an "R".
[He starts to fix it]
Adrian Monk: It's all...
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian. Adrian. You're gonna have to take this thing seriously. Judge Hackman says you're lucky those people didn't press charges... or shoot you. Now, the-the director's name is Morris Lancaster. He's one of the top psychiatrists in the country.
Sharona Fleming: Morris Lancaster? Yeah. He's good. I saw him on CNN.

Adrian Monk: Be careful - there's a lot of gravity up there.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Marathon Man (#1.9)" (2002)
Adrian Monk: What do we have?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We got a dead girl. She lives on the, uh, 21st floor. Either she slipped or she jumped or she had some help.
Adrian Monk: [looking at Gwen Zaleski's body] It was murder.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, it's a possibility.
Adrian Monk: No, no, it was definitely murder.
Lt. Randall Disher: [sighs] And how could you know that, Monk? You just got here.
Adrian Monk: Her toenails. She was painting them, but she didn't finish that one. She was obviously interrupted.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, isn't that the style now?
Sharona Fleming: [scoffs] Like you know.

[in the late Gwen Zaleski's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on his cell phone] That's what I thought. Thanks, Paul.
[hangs up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Boys and girls, listen up. That was the medical examiner. She was strangled before she went over the rail. This is now a homicide investigation. Which means, do not touch anything, don't lean on anything, and be careful where you walk.
[to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Adrian Monk: She lived alone?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, she lived alone, but uh, check this out.
[opens the refrigerator]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. She has beer in the fridge and... cigars in the humidor.
Adrian Monk: Boyfriend.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, and according to her neighbor, she had an ex husband and a boyfriend who nobody ever saw.
Adrian Monk: Well, somebody was paying the bills. She was in unemployment.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Somebody was buying her a lot of gifts.
Adrian Monk: She hasn't opened any of them.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hmm, maybe she was planning to return them. I mean, look at this guy's taste.

Trevor McDowell: [Trevor McDowell shoots a commercial in front of one of his furniture showrooms, playing a boxing referee] Hey! It's me, Trevor McDowell. We've just opened a new furniture showroom right here in San Mateo, right off Route 101.
[the bell dings]
Trevor McDowell: Break!
[His two kids start a mock boxing fight in a mock ring]
Trevor McDowell: [to the camera] Hey, listen, if your family's like mine, the furniture in your house takes a real beating! Okay, keep it clean! Keep it clean! Gloves up!
[Monk, Sharona and Stottlemeyer arrive]
Trevor McDowell: That's why you need furniture that can go the distance. Isn't that right, honey?
Mrs. McDowell: With low prices that'll knock you out!
[One kid starts punching the couch]
Trevor McDowell: Like this couch.
[pulls out a $799.99 sign]
Trevor McDowell: It's regularly $799, but with a quick jab from Tyler...
[Tyler punches the sign]
Trevor McDowell: That old price is T.K.O.'ed!It's yours for only $649!
[pulls out a $649.99 sign]
Adrian Monk: You see that lamp there? It's got...
Sharona Fleming: No! Don't even think about it.
Adrian Monk: But it's not...
Sharona Fleming: Stop. Stop.
Adrian Monk: It's supposed to...
Trevor McDowell: ...Normally it's $1399, but with a mighty blow from Luke, here-
[Luke punches the sign. McDowell pulls out a $1299.99 sign]
Trevor McDowell: Whoa! That old price is down for the count! It's yours for only 1299! Heavyweight furniture at featherweight prices! Tables! Chairs! Sofas! Lamps! Love seats! You name it!
[Monk straightens the lampshade of a table lamp in the background]
Trevor McDowell: At McDowell's, if we can't beat the competition, we'll throw in the towel!
Commercial Director: Cut! Cut!
Trevor McDowell: What?
Commercial Director: Who is that? Get him out of there!
[a crew member ushers Monk away]
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. It was a little-was I-okay, take two.

Trevor McDowell: So, about Gwen. I heard about it on the news, but they said she was murdered. Is that true?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true.
Trevor McDowell: [sighs] That's horrible. Do you have any leads?
Adrian Monk: We're workin' on it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She was your girlfriend.
Trevor McDowell: Yes, sir. I really screwed up big time.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long have you been screwing up?
Trevor McDowell: I met her two years ago. She was an actress in one of my commercials. She was the girl in the waterbed.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. I remember that one. Yeah, yeah, I liked that commercial.
Adrian Monk: You're a natural in front of the camera.
Trevor McDowell: Oh, thank you.
Adrian Monk: Do you drink tea, Mr. McDowell?
Trevor McDowell: Uh, sometimes, yes.
Adrian Monk: Chamomile tea?
Trevor McDowell: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The building manager said you'd been paying her rent. He also said you called him a month ago to say that you would not be renewing the lease.
Trevor McDowell: That's correct. I was trying to break it off when I realized I made a mistake. My family's my life. Gwen understood that.
Adrian Monk: Did she?
Trevor McDowell: I thought she did. We talked about it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you have an alibi for 7:55 this morning?
[Trevor chuckles]
Trevor McDowell: 7:55, I would have been on... Haight Street.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Anybody see you there?
Trevor McDowell: Oh, yes, about a thousand people. See, I was running in the marathon.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You realize we have several ways to verify that.
Trevor McDowell: Good, because the sooner you clear me, the sooner you can catch the bastard who did this.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [interrogating Arthur, Gwen Zaleski's ex-husband] Mr. Zaleski, how about I call you Arthur?
Arthur Zaleski: Well, you can call me whatever he hell you want.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. How long were you and Gwen married?
Arthur Zaleski: Four years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She walked out, and you still loved her.
Arthur Zaleski: Sure, I had feelings for her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I bet you did.
Arthur Zaleski: Then she picks up with the dinette furniture salesman. TV guy. That's humiliating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were jealous. You became furious.
[Monk starts to try to wipe a smudge off the mirror]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd feel the same way.
Arthur Zaleski: I don't like this, being here.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're not supposed to like being here, Arthur. This is an interrogation room. It's not a sports bar.
[Monk turns to Sharona]
Adrian Monk: I need a wipe.
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Do you have a wipe?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, why were you harassing your ex-wife? We've got the phone records, Artie. You were calling her twice a day. I don't call my wife twice a day.
Arthur Zaleski: I was worried about her.
Lt. Randall Disher: You call it "worried". The judge called it "stalking".
Arthur Zaleski: That was three years ago.
[Monk is using a moist towelette and making a squeaking noise as he tries to rub the smudge off the window. Stottlemeyer has to speak over the squeaking noise]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What happened, Arthur? You went over there to talk, right? You lost your temper trying to talk to her? Everybody has a temper.
Arthur Zaleski: What is that? What is that noise?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. Come on.
[He leaves the room to talk to Monk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, one more time from the top. So, how long were you and Gwen married?
Adrian Monk: How's it going in there?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's going great, except he wants to know what the little squeaky noise behind the mirror is.

Adrian Monk: That might have been me. There's a smudge. I think it's on your side. You can get it when you go back in.
[offers the wipe to Stottlemeyer, but Sharona grabs it]
Sharona Fleming: I'm sorry.
[Monk looks at Arthur through the window]
Adrian Monk: You think he's the guy?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's possible. He had a restraining order against him at one time, which apparently he honored. He says he was at home in bed at the time. I'd say he's a D+, a C-. What do you got?
Adrian Monk: Trevor McDowell.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he was running the marathon. It checked out.
[Randy enters the room]
Adrian Monk: I don't know how he did it, but he's the guy. I'll tell you why: Because Gwen was killed first, *then* she was thrown off the balcony. That's the key. Why would the killer draw attention to himself? There's only one reason: to establish the exact time of death. He wanted everyone to know precisely when she died. Why? Because he had an alibi. An airtight alibi.
Sharona Fleming: What do you think?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do I think? I think it's not possible, because he was wearing a computer chip. And he passed all the checkpoints.
Adrian Monk: I know. You're right. That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Unless he took the chip off and passed it off to another runner.
Adrian Monk: That's interesting.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Maybe he dropped it in another guy's pocket so it looked like he finished the race.
Adrian Monk: That's very interesting. You are a genius.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Anything else I can help you with?
Adrian Monk: Give-give him a wipe. Just give him one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Smudge stays. You go.

[Monk and Sharona are at Tonday Mawwaka's hotel]
Sharona Fleming: You know, I read an article about this hotel. You know how much a suite costs?
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Sharona Fleming: $2,000 a night. You said Tonday was a simple, quiet man, like a poet.
Adrian Monk: So?
Sharona Fleming: So, how many poets could afford to stay here?
Adrian Monk: What are you saying?
Sharona Fleming: I'm saying that he could have made some extra money helping a rich furniture salesman kill his mistress.
Adrian Monk: Shh! That is not possible, okay? It is off the table. End of discussion.
[Sharona looks at the fruit basket on Tonday's coffee table]
Adrian Monk: Don't touch anything.
Sharona Fleming: You're telling me not to touch anything?
Adrian Monk: That's Tonday's fruit.

Adrian Monk: [Monk and Sharona are trying to recreate Trevor McDowell's timetable for the murder. Monk is wearing new sneakers from Tonday] Let it go. It's a coincidence.
Sharona Fleming: You think it's just a coincidence that your hero, Tonday, drinks chamomile tea?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I do. I love these sneakers.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, I see, I see. Whenever I think of something, it's just a coincidence. Whenever you think of something it's a work of genius.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. It was McDowell. He did it.
Sharona Fleming: How?
Adrian Monk: Don't know yet.
Sharona Fleming: Okay. Well, according to this video, Tonday came through here at 47 minutes and 15 seconds, and McDowell was a few seconds behind him.
Adrian Monk: Amazing. Am I touching the ground? Because I don't feel the ground.
[runs in circles around Sharona]
Adrian Monk: Did I mention these were a gift from my friend Tonday?
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm running circles around you. That's how fast I am.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, you think you're faster than me, huh?

Sharona Fleming: [Monk and Sharona have reached a bridge] Okay, after this point, McDowell is no longer visible on the tape.
Adrian Monk: This is it. It's a blind spot right here. You see how the path curves? No room for spectators. If he timed it right, he'd be completely alone. He could duck behind those bushes. Nobody would miss him. When were they here?
Sharona Fleming: Um, one hour and five minutes into the race.
Adrian Monk: Start the watch. We're gonna time this out.
[Sharona does so. They walk behind the bushes]
Adrian Monk: Stop the stopwatch.
Sharona Fleming: What is it?
[Monk picks at some blooms on the grass]
Adrian Monk: Smell it.
Sharona Fleming: Ooh, no.
Adrian Monk: It's chamomile. We'll have the lab check for traces at the crime scene.
Sharona Fleming: What was he doing here?
Adrian Monk: Changing his clothes. Start the stopwatch.
[Sharona does so. Monk bends over and acts like he's changing his clothes]
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Changing my clothes. Would you mind? Please.
[Sharona reluctantly looks away as Monk "removes" his pants]
Adrian Monk: Then he had to get across town.
Sharona Fleming: Oh! There's a road over there.
[They head down there]
Sharona Fleming: He couldn't have parked here. This street was blocked off on Sunday, remember? He couldn't have parked anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe he didn't drive.
Sharona Fleming: Then how did he get across town?
[Monk points at a cable car stop a few feet away. Cuts to Monk and Sharona riding the cable car up the hill]
Adrian Monk: How are we doing?
Sharona Fleming: 17 minutes 20 seconds.
[Monk gets pushed by a passenger]
Sharona Fleming: Why don't you sit down?
[Monk shakes his head]
Sharona Fleming: Well at least hold the pole.
[more headshaking]
Sharona Fleming: How do you explain this? I touch everything you're afraid to touch, and I never get sick.
Adrian Monk: I can't explain it. It's inexplicable.
Sharona Fleming: No. You're inexplicable. So are you gonna tell me?
Adrian Monk: What?
Sharona Fleming: Why you quit running. You said there was an incident.
Adrian Monk: Uh, ancient history.
Sharona Fleming: Come on. You know you're gonna tell me.
Adrian Monk: Okay, fine. May 2, 1974.
[Cuts to a flashback and a young Monk stretching]
Adrian Monk: Our high school track team. We had a great year. We made it to the All-State conference. It was the biggest day of my life. It was all tied up. It came down to the last event: the 1500 meter. Everyone was depending on me.
[the referee raises the starting gun]
Adrian Monk: But just before the gun. I looked down and my laces were, you know, uneven.
[the referee fires the starting gun and everyone takes off, but Young Monk is still at the starting line redoing his laces]
Adrian Monk: It was the first time that I had a problem like that in public.
[as the other runners finish their first lap, Monk throws his shoes in the garbage. End flashback]
Adrian Monk: Never ran again.
Sharona Fleming: That must have been terrible.

Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. I love this chair. It vibrates.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, we are not here to shop. This is our primary suspect.
Sharona Fleming: Well, maybe we can get a primary suspect discount.
[Trevor McDowell spots them]
Trevor McDowell: Well, well, well! If it isn't Mr. Monk and... Sharona, am I right?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Trevor McDowell: What can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: Do you have a minute, sir?
Trevor McDowell: I have all the time in the world. As a matter of fact, there's a sale on all the convertible sofas in stock if you're interested.
Adrian Monk: No, thanks.
Trevor McDowell: I'll make you a great deal. Free home delivery.
Adrian Monk: We're not here to shop.
Sharona Fleming: Although, if it turns out you're innocent. I'd-I'd like to talk to you about that recliner.
Adrian Monk: Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: Um-do you know Tonday Mawwaka?
Trevor McDowell: I know of him. I've never met him, I believe he was running behind me for most of the race.
Adrian Monk: We checked the records. You never turned in your computer chip.
Trevor McDowell: I forgot. And then later I misplaced it.
Adrian Monk: You're crooked.
Trevor McDowell: I beg your pardon?
[Monk walks over and straightens a life-size cardboard cutout of McDowell]
Adrian Monk: Show him the picture.
[Sharona shows Trevor a photo of him at the finish line]
Sharona Fleming: Is that you at the finish line?
Trevor McDowell: Yes.
Sharona Fleming: You ran 26 miles, and you're not sweating?
Trevor McDowell: I don't sweat that much. You know, some runners don't sweat at all. Is that everything?
Adrian Monk: But here's what's been bothering me.
[shows McDowell a photo of him from earlier in the race. We can clearly see that the top part of his shirt is drenched in sweat]
Adrian Monk: This is you around Mile #5. Look at your shirt. It's completely drenched. Here's what happened: You had a problem. Her name was Gwen Zaleski. She didn't want to break it off. Maybe she threatened to tell your wife everything-
[straightens out another life-size cutout of McDowell]
Adrian Monk: -And ruin your perfect little world. So, you disposed of her. You tossed her off the balcony like a bag of garbage.

[McDowell is led in handcuffs to a waiting police car]
Trevor McDowell: Officer, just wait a minute. Do you know who I am?
Uniformed Cop: Yes, sir. You sold me a dinette set last year.
Trevor McDowell: Oh.
Uniformed Cop: Watch your head.
[she puts McDowell in the backseat of the car and shuts the door. Monk comes up and leans to be at Trevor's eye level]
Adrian Monk: Trev, you might want to make a note in case it ever comes up again: these new plastic Hide-A-Keys. It turns out they don't sink. Yeah. They float.

[first lines. We see several views of the quiet city, and then see the starting gun for the marathon going off]
Sportscaster: [voiceover, overlaid with clips of marathon runners] And there's the starting gun, kicking off the 25th annual Chronicle Marathon, San Francisco. Over 6,000 runners in the race today, and it is perfect running weather. And there is Tonday Mawwaka, number 534.
[We see Tonday, #534, followed closely by Trevor McDowell, #549]
Sportscaster: What a story he is. The legendary "Proud Lion". He's a two time Olympic champion, and he's come all the way from his homeland of Nigeria to run in today's event, which he's referred to as his final lap. Of course, Tonday's threatened to retire before, but if this does turn out to be his valedictory race, it'll be quite a day to remember. Of course, we'll be checking in with his progress all through our continuous coverage of the marathon.
[Monk, wearing a baseball cap, and Sharona arrive on one of the streets]
Sharona Fleming: Two cameras?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. In case one breaks. Where is he?
Sharona Fleming: Well, he won't be near the front. I mean, you know, he's 65 years old.
Adrian Monk: Sixty-three. He's my idol. Did I mention that?
Sharona Fleming: About a million times.
Adrian Monk: No, seriously, Tonday Mawwaka is the greatest runner who ever lived. I saw him run in Los Angeles in 1973. He was 400 yards behind with less than a mile to go. He had nothing left, and somehow he just-he just found it. It was the most amazing finish. I can't believe you never heard of him.
[spots a man with an askew sweater]
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: That man. He missed a button.
Sharona Fleming: Don't worry about it, okay? Come on, just have fun.
Adrian Monk: 63 years old, he's still running the marathon. I've got to get into shape.
Sharona Fleming: No, you're in great shape.
Adrian Monk: Nah, I used to be. Now if I can't find the remote control, I just watch whatever's on.
[focuses his camera in on the man with the askew sweater]
Adrian Monk: Look at him. How can he stand it? Hold on to this.

Adrian Monk: I had a life before we met.
Sharona Fleming: I know you had a life. I just didn't know it involved gym shorts and showering with other guys.
Adrian Monk: I didn't shower with other guys. I had a note from my doctor.
Sharona Fleming: I bet you had lots of notes from your doctor.
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, I did. I had a whole, separate binder.

Sharona Fleming: You should have ignored the stupid sweater.
Adrian Monk: It was askew.
Sharona Fleming: So what? So what? Why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I'm the Askew Police.

Sharona Fleming: You couldn't tell me over the phone?
Adrian Monk: I wanted to see your face light up when I told you.
[Sharona glares at him]
Adrian Monk: Okay, I'll take a rain check on that lighting up thing.

Tonday Mawwaka: Sorry to keep you waiting. Tonday Mawwaka.
Adrian Monk: Adrian Monk.
Tonday Mawwaka: Ah, Adrian! How nice to meet you.
Adrian Monk: Sir, I-I have admired you ever since I was a very strong child...
Sharona Fleming: Young child.
Adrian Monk: Young child. This is Sharona, my-my-something.
Sharona Fleming: I'm his assistant. It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Mawwaka.
Tonday Mawwaka: Just call me Tonday. Please, come on. Let's sit. Make yourselves comfortable.
Adrian Monk: Sir, I saw you run in Los Angeles in 1973.
[Tonday laughs]
Tonday Mawwaka: The big comeback.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Tonday Mawwaka: I still don't know how I did it.
Adrian Monk: Well, it changed my life.

Adrian Monk: [about to shake hands with five people] It's a stampede. Get a wipe ready.

Adrian Monk: I'm the askew police.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert (#5.8)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: [to some concertgoers, whose blue beachball has gone astray and hit him twice] Cornea was scratched, or bruised, or discoloration! I'm next for the phone!
[Monk unknowingly walks into a port-a-john instead of the payphone that is a few feet to the right. He is inside there for a few minutes, and then he comes out refreshed. Natalie spots him from a few feet away]
Natalie Teeger: Oh!
[She walks over]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: [still thinking that the outhouse was a "pay phone"] I was just calling for a taxi. They're gonna pick me up out front in about ten minutes.
Natalie Teeger: But, Mr. Monk, that *wasn't* a phone booth!
Adrian Monk: [muttering to himself] You're right. No, that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, it was a horrible *plastic* outhouse! Oh, my god. What was I talking into?
[Natalie starts to walk Monk away from the row of outhouses. On the fifth is an "Out of Order" sign, and a maintenance man is trying to break open the lock]
Adrian Monk: Oh, my god! Where -where did I put that quarter? For the love of god, Natalie, where did I put that quarter?
[Suddenly, the maintenance man breaks open the lock. The door swings open, and out tumbles Stork's dead body. Natalie briefly recoils]
Natalie Teeger: [gasps] Oh my God!
[a woman is heard screaming in the background, and a crowd of onlookers is attracted to the body]

Adrian Monk: You are Kris Kedder, the famous rock and roll song singer?
[Several of the women behind Kedder crack up]
Kris Kedder: I guess I am.

[Monk reaches out to touch a heat lamp while leaving the acupuncture tent]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, no! No-no-no-no! That's 400 watts!
[Monk pulls his hand away before he touches the superhot bulb. But as he starts walking away, he turns around and reaches back for the bulb. Natalie attempts to restrain his right arm. Monk resorts to touching the lamp with his left pointer finger]
Adrian Monk: Ow!
[after burning his left finger, Monk is sure to touch it again with his right finger so that his hands are even]

Adrian Monk: [attempting to make an announcement from the stage] I know. It's true, I am a straight. But I have a dream. A dream that someday, all the hippies and all the straights will live together side by side... not too close, you know, because of the smell...

Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry. I just can't picture you at one of these.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city and see the Stones.

Adrian Monk: [to himself] I'm sorry, I don't make the rules!
Guy Freak: That's right. You don't.

Adrian Monk: You have mud on your boots.
Kris Kedder: [lifts up his foot, revealing that he does have mud on his boots] Yes, I do. I must be at a rock festival.
Adrian Monk: It's just that I don't see mud on anybody else's shoes.
Kris Kedder: I see some on yours.
[Monk lifts up his foot and realizes that he has mud as well]
Adrian Monk: [to Kendra] You were going to show me Stork's trailer?

Adrian Monk: [shows Kedder the guitar string] This was found at the crime scene. It is from a 12 string guitar.
Natalie Teeger: You're the only musician that has one.
Roadie: So what are you saying? That Stork was strangled?
Adrian Monk: I'm not saying anything. Just asking questions.
Kris Kedder: Hey, anybody could have taken it. I don't lock my case.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, I give up. What is it?
Natalie Teeger: It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you going to do about it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Try to ignore it.
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no-no. We've already submitted this twice. It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation.
Adrian Monk: Not my idea.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I couldn't agree with you more. I believe you guys are entitled to every dime you can get. But there's nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the disbursement coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, where is he?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, he's not here. He called in sick.
Adrian Monk: Is he okay?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, he didn't sound too good. He's got a bad fever and he's got a cough.
Adrian Monk: With that phlegmy flu thing?
Natalie Teeger: Okay, if Randy isn't here, who is in charge of payout?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That would be the assistant disbursement coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: And who is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We don't have one. Is there anything else?
Adrian Monk: No, that about covers it.

Natalie Teeger: [after Monk offers to help Stottlemeyer out] I'm sorry. I just can't picture you at one of these.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city and see the Stones.
[Cuts to Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer walking through the parking lot]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look at this mess! Oh for God's sakes it's gonna take me all day to find him here! I'm gonna miss a whole day's work! An entire day! Gonna wring his neck!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, he's just a kid! Don't you just want to stay out here for a minute and calm down...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No!
Adrian Monk: Whoa, whoa, hold on. What kind of rock show is this?
Natalie Teeger: It's the biggest festival of the year!
Adrian Monk: Festival?
Natalie Teeger: [blushes] Whoa-whoa-whoa, Mr. Monk, you thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit, like a museum?
Adrian Monk: Maybe. Perfectly understandable mistake.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not really.

Annie: Black bandanna and sunglasses?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it was this morning around 7:30.
Annie: I remember. He was my first customer.
[pause]
Annie: Oh was that the boy who died? The overdose? Heartbreaking.
[to her customer]
Annie: How does that feel?
Adrian Monk: Horrible.
[Annie inserts another needle into her patient's back. Monk recoils]
Kendra Frank: Look, are you sure that's him?
[Hands a photo of Stork over to Annie]
Annie: He was a friend of yours. I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Did he say anything?
Annie: No, not much. He just told me a story about how he met Eric Clapton.
Kendra Frank: [to Monk and Natalie] He loved Eric Clapton.
[Annie is looking for something]
Annie: No.
[Monk reaches forward and straightens out one of the needles on Annie's patient, who reacts. Natalie gives Monk a disapproving look and says]
Natalie Teeger: Detective!
Annie: And he dropped this.
Kendra Frank: Oh my god, I made this earring! He loved this earring.
Annie: He said he was giving up, he wanted to get high. He said he used to be afraid of needles, but he got over it.
Kendra Frank: I don't believe this!
Annie: Well I guess he's with Kurt, Jimi and Janis now.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Natalie Teeger: I'll tell you later.
[Monk reaches forward to try to straighten another needle on the patient, but Natalie pushes his arm to the side]
Adrian Monk: Did he say anything else?
Kendra Frank: Please, Annie. I have to know.
Annie: [sighs] He asked me where he could score some H.
Adrian Monk: Heroin. H. Starts with an "H," heroin. It's street talk.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I got it.
Annie: Well then he paid me and left. Oh, but before he left, he helped some kid, some poor girl. She had a beachball. She was having trouble with it so he blew it up for her.
Adrian Monk: A blue beachball?

Annie: Uh-huh. I think so.
Adrian Monk: Thing almost killed me. I hate that beachball.
Kendra Frank: So it's true. They were right, he OD'D.
Adrian Monk: I'm so sorry.
[They start to walk away. Monk stops to try to touch a heat lamp over another patient]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, no! No-no-no-no-no-no! That's 400 watts!
[Monk withdraws his arm, and starts to walk away. But he has a compulsion to touch lamps, so he comes back and tries again to touch the bulb. Natalie has to restrain his arm, but Monk reaches over with his left hand and burns his left pointer finger]
Adrian Monk: Ow!
[before he leaves, he burns his right pointer finger on the same bulb]

Red Cross Volunteer: [prescribing a cream to Natalie] This should help. Just rub this in twice a day. Did he really touch a heat lamp?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Red Cross Volunteer: What about the other hand?
Natalie Teeger: He kept touching it. I don't know.
[Monk, visibly bothered, walks over to the stretcher on which Stork's body is resting on]
Red Cross Volunteer: They found him in a port-a-john.
Natalie Teeger: I know, we were there when it happened. He was so young.
Red Cross Volunteer: Overdose. The medical examiner will be here soon. If you could just step back...
Adrian Monk: No-no-no. It's okay. I'm a police officer, at least I used to. There's no mud.
Natalie Teeger: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: On his boots, there's no mud. There was mud all around those outhouses.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah but they carried him out.
Adrian Monk: All right, but who carried him in?
[lifts up the sheet covering the body]
Adrian Monk: No other track marks.
[looking at the victim's personal effects]
Adrian Monk: Are these his?
[picks up a rubber strap]
Adrian Monk: This rubber strap was around his arm?
Red Cross Volunteer: That's right. I took it off myself.
Adrian Monk: Do you work with drug addicts a lot?
Red Cross Volunteer: It goes with the territory.
Adrian Monk: Natalie.
[He puts the strap around her right arm]
Adrian Monk: Do they wrap it around like this, and tie it in a knot?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, like... this.
[She creates a knot with the strap]
Adrian Monk: And then they pull it tight with their teeth?
Red Cross Volunteer: That's right.
Natalie Teeger: I'm not doing that.
Adrian Monk: There's no other way to tie off your own arm?
Red Cross Volunteer: No, sir.
[Monk looks at the strap closely]
Adrian Monk: No teeth marks.
Natalie Teeger: Someone tied it for him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [over walkie-talkie] He says it was locked and bolted from the outside.
Adrian Monk: [over walkie-talkie, standing on the hillside] They could have rigged the lock. Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. You know it would help a lot if you stood a little closer.
Adrian Monk: That's not going to happen. Over.
Kendra Frank: [to Natalie] So is this how he does it? From 100 feet away?
Natalie Teeger: Not all the time.
[Stottlemeyer opens the door of the port-a-john to look inside]
Annoyed Girl in Line: How long are you going to be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.
Annoyed Girl in Line: With only one cop?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, no, it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He's a cop.
[points to Monk on the hillside]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And this guy here is a police officer.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh these guys are great! Oh I hope they do "Killer Machine!"
[calls out]
Lt. Randall Disher: KILLER MACHINE!
[Natalie and Kendra Frank look unimpressed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk, over walkie-talkie] Uh, I'm checking out the lock here. There are some scratches.
Adrian Monk: Are they recent? Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, there's no rust.
[He finds a piece of wire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I've got a little piece of wire here.

Adrian Monk: [over walkie-talkie] Okay, isn't there a vent, on the right side up near the roof? Over.
[Stottlemeyer looks over there]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Roger that. About four and a half feet above the lock.
Adrian Monk: He must have been killed somewhere else. They put the body inside, tied the wire around the bolt...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...and ran the wire through the vent so they could lock the door from the outside.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you didn't wait for me to say "Over." Hello? Over.
[no response]
Adrian Monk: Over. Over. I'm saying "over."

Adrian Monk: How long do you think I was in there?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. Maybe a minute.
Adrian Monk: It was rough. It was like some kind of medieval torture device.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I know. I actually read for the Spanish Inquisition. They used to lock people in port-a-johns.
Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me.
[a stray blue beachball strikes Monk for the third time]
Adrian Monk: Ow. It's-it's time to go.
[starts to walk away]
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, we haven't found the Captain's son.
[Kendra Frank comes up to them]
Kendra Frank: Excuse me. I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective.
Adrian Monk: That's true. I am some kind of detective.
Kendra Frank: Hi, I'm Kendra Frank. I'm a roadie for Trafalgar.
[She shakes hands with Natalie and then with Monk. Monk hands her a wipe]
Kendra Frank: I was a friend of Stork's. I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh, and Stork is?
Kendra Frank: The roadie. The roadie they just found.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry.
[pause]
Adrian Monk: Stork?
Kendra Frank: His real name was Greg Murray. Look, they're trying to say that he OD'd, all right, but that's not possible. He's been clean for 17 months.
Natalie Teeger: But, Kendra, we were there. We saw a needle in his arm.
Kendra Frank: That's how I know something's wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles. He was the only roadie I ever met that didn't have a tattoo. I mean he missed a whole South American tour last year because he wouldn't get vaccinated.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he got over it.
Kendra Frank: You don't just get over a phobia like that overnight! Do you?
Adrian Monk: No, you don't.
Kendra Frank: So, please.
[she presents Stork's jacket]
Kendra Frank: They gave me his stuff.
[She hands the jacket to them]
Kendra Frank: It's his tour jacket.
[Monk and Natalie rifle through the jacket's pockets. They find a backstage pass and a map of the grounds]
Adrian Monk: Is this a map?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have one of these. They gave these out at the door.
[Monk unfolds the map, and notices a marker on the acupuncture tent]
Adrian Monk: [to Kendra] You say that he was afraid of needles?
Kendra Frank: Yeah that's right.
Adrian Monk: He had an acupuncture appointment at 7:30 this morning.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Is at Your Service (#5.12)" (2007)
[Monk is morosely fishing for advice on a different career]
Adrian Monk: What about you, Mr. Davenport? What do you do?
Peggy Davenport: He inherits money.
Adrian Monk: I could do that. I think I'd be good at that.

Adrian Monk: What's it like, drinking in the morning? Is it wonderful?
Peggy Davenport: [nursing a Bloody Mary] Yeah, it's pretty great.

Adrian Monk: Natalie... frog! There's a frog!
Natalie Teeger: Are you afraid of frogs?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, I've never been this close to one before.
[the frog hops closer to his foot]
Adrian Monk: Yes! Yes! Put it on the list! Natalie, where's the list?

Paul Buchanan: [meets Monk for the job interview] All right, so you're here from the agency. Where's your resume?
Adrian Monk: I lost it.
Paul Buchanan: You lost your resume. Well that doesn't bode well, does it. What's your name?
Adrian Monk: Adrian...
Paul Buchanan: Adrian?
Adrian Monk: [looks at the spine of a copy of the book "Moby Dick" by Herman Melville] Melville. Adrian Melville.

Paul Buchanan: Tell me, Melville. Who have you worked with? Anybody I know.
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, I don't think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco... Stottlemeyers, Randy Disher, Dr. Charles Kroger...
Paul Buchanan: Never heard of them.
Adrian Monk: ...and Natalie Teeger.
Paul Buchanan: Natalie? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me and wouldn't leave me alone.
Adrian Monk: Is that right?
[referring to the fact that earlier, Natalie told him that Paul Buchanan beat up her boyfriend in high school]
Paul Buchanan: How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo?
Adrian Monk: [surprised] She has a tattoo?
Paul Buchanan: Well you wouldn't have seen it, not where she put it.
[He takes a drink]
Paul Buchanan: Look, I'm having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It would make the afternoon a whole lot better.
Adrian Monk: I don't think... maybe.
Paul Buchanan: Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut, and my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that's good enough for me. Congratulations, you're my new butler.

Natalie Teeger: [while reading outside at her parent's house, a maid comes up to her and hands her a phone] Hello? Oh, Mr. Monk, thank God.
Adrian Monk: [in his bedroom, speaking with a butler-esque accent] I'm going to need you to come and get me now.
Natalie Teeger: What happened? Where are you?
Adrian Monk: I'm in my bedroom. I work here now, I'm the butler.
Natalie Teeger: You're the butler?
Adrian Monk: Yes, you're old boyfriend just hired me. I'm the new manservant.
Natalie Teeger: I think that's great!
Adrian Monk: Really, do you think it's "great"?

[Paul Buchanan finishes looking at the completed luncheon table that Monk has carefully organized and straightened out]
Paul Buchanan: Well I don't have to remind you about how important these stupid luncheons are! The old bats are gunning for me. They want me to screw up, they *expect* me to screw up! And I intend to dissapoint them. Mr. Melville.
Adrian Monk: [standing in front of a covered canvas] Thank you. Mr. Pepperidge?
[Mr. Pepperidge pulls the tarp off the canvas, revealing a map of the house]
Adrian Monk: I've divided the house into four zones.
Susie the Maid: Mr. Stilson normally has us start in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: [retracts his pointer] Mr. Stilson is no longer with us. So from now on we're going to be cleaning the house my way. The Monk way.
Susie the Maid: Who's Monk?
Adrian Monk: [quickly improvising so as to avoid blowing his cover] You see... I grew up in a monastery and the monks were very demanding. We were cleaning constantly, 18 hours a day. Mostly dusting. It was very dusty. Crypts, catacombs, it was holy dust. But still... you know... dust. And that is the Monk way.
Paul Buchanan: Well you heard the man. We'll be doing it the Monk way.

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Melville, will you help me with my coat?
[Monk follows Natalie into another room]
Adrian Monk: How did you do that?
[referring to Natalie feigning her pregnancy]
Natalie Teeger: See, Mr. Monk, when two people love each other, they want to express that love.
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: It's a pillow.

[Monk and Natalie arrive at the Buchanan estate's driveway]
Adrian Monk: Wow.
Natalie Teeger: I know, wow. 14 bedrooms.
Adrian Monk: And he wanted to marry you?
Natalie Teeger: Okay let me just tell you something about Paul Buchanan. He basically stalked me for three years, all during high school. He just kept on asking me out. He wouldn't take "drop dead" for an answer. The week before my senior prom, somebody mugged my boyfriend. They broke his jaw and both of his legs.
Adrian Monk: 14 bedrooms.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he beat up my boyfriend, or hired some thug to do it! He thinks he can get away with anything.
Adrian Monk: Like killing his father?
Natalie Teeger: I wouldn't put it past him. Okay so the Morgan is in the garage. He hasn't even bothered to fix it.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie Teeger: My father saw it the last time he was here.

[Monk starts compulsively reorganizing the wrenches on a toolchest]
Burly Mechanic: Can I help you? What the hell are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Sorry. I was just...
Burly Mechanic: Are you here for the job interview?
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes. The interview. Yes.

Adrian Monk: I can't go in there alone. That would be like me going in some place alone.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if he sees you, you can talk yourself out of it. But if he sees me, it's be horrible. It'd be like high school all over again! Here, in case you need it.
[She hands Monk a phone]

Adrian Monk: [measures the distance between utensils] This fork is a centimeter too close.
Mrs. Murphy: It's only a centimeter.
Adrian Monk: For the want of a nail, Mrs. Murphy, the kingdom was lost.

Mrs. Murphy: Mr. Melville, shall we begin the main course, sir?
Adrian Monk: Yes, thank you, Mrs. Murphy.
Mrs. Murphy: [notices Natalie sipping from a cocktail glass] Should you be drinking that?
[Natalie puts the glass down. Remember that she is pretending to be pregnant]

[Monk alternates between quail and duck at the main course. He hands Sylvia a plate with duck]
Guest Sylvia: Uh, I'll have some quail, please.
Adrian Monk: He took the quail. We're alternating.
Guest Sylvia: I prefer the quail.
Adrian Monk: It's just that, we've been going quail, duck, quail, duck, quail, duck...
Guest Sylvia: I don't like duck.
Adrian Monk: Then you'll have to sit over there.
Guest Sylvia: I have to change seats?
Adrian Monk: Fine.
[He puts the plate with the duck back and puts a plate of quail in front of her]
Adrian Monk: Two quails, right next to each other.
[Takes Sylvia's fork and sticks it in the plate at an odd angle]
Adrian Monk: Enjoy.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Jail (#2.16)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: [cornered in the rec room, Monk grabs a telephone] Nazis in the rec room! We've got Nazis here! This is a Nazi alert!
[the phone cord dangles, cut]

[Monk is investigating a prison]
Adrian Monk: I'm out of here. This place is like a prison.
Sharona Fleming: It IS a prison.

Lody: You're gonna wish you were never born.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

Spyder Rudner: What are you in here for?
Adrian Monk: Embezzlement. I'm doing a nickel. That's prison talk for five years,
Spyder Rudner: No, it's not.
Adrian Monk: [improvising] It was in Lompoc. I was there for a while, but I got moved 'cause I was too much of a bad... ass.
Spyder Rudner: [amused] Really?

Dale the Whale: The bomb that took Trudy from you was not intended for you. It was meant for her.
[Monk sinks into a chair, stunned]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian...
Adrian Monk: It was her they were after?
Dale the Whale: I know you've always blamed yourself for your death. Now you don't have to. I absolve you, Adrian Monk. There's my good deed for the decade.
Adrian Monk: Why? Why her?
Dale the Whale: Oh, I can't help you there. You ever been to New York?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dale the Whale: Have Sharona pack your bags. That's where you'll find the man you're looking for. His name is Warrick Tennyson.
Adrian Monk: Did... did he kill her?
Dale the Whale: He was... involved. That's all I have.

Adrian Monk: [looking at Biederbeck's luxurious jail cell] It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.
Dale the Whale: Well, why wouldn't it?
[indicates his bloated body]
Dale the Whale: I've been inside this prison all my life.
Adrian Monk: That's very poetic, Dale.
Dale the Whale: Of course, it doesn't compare with the one you built for yourself.

Adrian Monk: What is it you want, Dale? You said it was important.
Dale the Whale: Well, there's the Adrian Monk we all know and love! Your fear is huge, but your curiosity is huger.

Adrian Monk: Spyder! You saved my life. Thank you.
Spyder Rudner: I'm up for parole in about 50 years. If you're still around, why don't you come back and tell them all about it?
Adrian Monk: I will.

Sylvia Fairbourn: Are you calling me a liar, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think I'm calling you worse than that.

[the neo-Nazis corner Monk in the prison laundry, hiding in one of the dryers]
Adrian Monk: Just a second, I'm missing a sock here!

[a gang of neo-Nazis corner Monk in the rec room with shivs; he looks at one, with tattoos on one entire side of his body]
Adrian Monk: I'm guessing that was incredibly painful.

[Monk finds out which of the inmates stole Spyder's watch]
Adrian Monk: It was a few minutes off, I reset it for you.
Spyder Rudner: I'll take care of them later. That was pretty impressive! How'd you know it was him?
Adrian Monk: Well, I figured whoever stole your watch would have their sleeves rolled down so you wouldn't see it. There were only four guys in the whole yard with their sleeves rolled down, and he was the tallest one.
Spyder Rudner: Why tall?
Adrian Monk: The shelf in your cell was four feet from the bars. He's the only one who could reach it.
Spyder Rudner: [grins] You're pretty sharp.

Spyder Rudner: What happened to my bed?
Adrian Monk: I made it.
Spyder Rudner: Have you been touching my stuff?
Adrian Monk: No... maybe a little. The sheets were all...
Spyder Rudner: You are a dead man! I am gonna gut you like a fish!
[He starts looking under the mattress]
Adrian Monk: Are you looking for your shiv?
[Spyder stops and glares]
Adrian Monk: [lowers voice] Are you looking for your shiv? It's in the book. In the binding, it's a much better hiding place.
[Spyder grabs the shiv and starts to menace Monk, but stops]
Spyder Rudner: What'd you do to it?
Adrian Monk: I re-taped it. I also sharpened it a little.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation (#1.10)" (2002)
[last lines]
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Forget it. No more vacations. The next time you try to make me take a vacation, I *swear* I'm quitting.
Sharona Fleming: [pause] I can't believe I just said that.
Adrian Monk: You seem upset.
Sharona Fleming: I am upset!
Adrian Monk: You know what you need?
Sharona Fleming: No. Shut up.
Adrian Monk: Vacation!
Sharona Fleming: Shut up!

Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once, making every minute count. It gave me a headache.
Sharona Fleming: What doesn't?

Benjy Fleming: Mom, you owe me an ice cream sundae...
Sharona Fleming: Oh...
Benjy Fleming: We had a bet. She said you wouldn't come outside, even once.
Adrian Monk: Oh, ye of little faith.

Sharona Fleming: What did you find?
Adrian Monk: Zilch. It was the cleanest room I've ever seen.
Sharona Fleming: Really?
Adrian Monk: I'd stay there.
Sharona Fleming: Wow... look, Adrian, I hate to say it, but maybe he did make it all up.
Adrian Monk: Why would he do that?
Sharona Fleming: To impress you. Maybe...
Benjy Fleming: [standing a short distance away] You're talking about me, aren't you? I saw what I saw.
Adrian Monk: He saw what he saw.

Benjy Fleming: Listen, I wanted to say thanks.
Adrian Monk: For what?
Benjy Fleming: For believing me when nobody else did. Though you probably just felt sorry for me 'cause my dad's not around.
Adrian Monk: Hey, I don't have to be your father to believe you. Or to be proud of you. If you say you saw a body, then something happened here. And I'm gonna find out what it is.

[watching Sharona lose on purpose to her new tennis partner]
Benjy Fleming: Why do girls do that?
Adrian Monk: Someday you'll understand... when you do, call me and explain it to me.

Adrian Monk: Okay, for the record, what we just did...
Benjy Fleming: Breaking and entering?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. It's wrong. Don't-don't do it.

Adrian Monk: [Monk has found an Employees Only door] Who has the key to this door?
Tony Landis: The entire staff. About 180 people.
Rita Bronwyn: Are you thinking inside job?
Adrian Monk: Maybe it's that comedian. Wouldn't that be great?
[spots powder on the floor]
Adrian Monk: Do you have a piece of paper?
Tony Landis: No.
Adrian Monk: Isn't that a notepad in your pocket?
[Tony reluctantly hands his notepad over to Monk. Monk picks up a bit of the powder and sniffs it]
Rita Bronwyn: It's lime?
Adrian Monk: It's calcium oxide-quicklime.
Tony Landis: What's that supposed to mean?
Adrian Monk: It's used to cover up smells. Smugglers use it to fool drug-sniffing dogs.
Rita Bronwyn: Oh! I've seen the mob use it when they try to hide a body.
Adrian Monk: You've seen the mob use it?
Rita Bronwyn: I mean, in that movie Goodfellas I saw it.
Adrian Monk: Actually, this is good news.
Tony Landis: How so?
Rita Bronwyn: Because it means the body's still in the hotel, right? So that means we have to keep checking every bag going out.
Tony Landis: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You're time is up. We had a deal.
Rita Bronwyn: Oh, come on. The deal is off, Tony! Work with us here. If they get rid of the body, we have no case.
Tony Landis: I'll give you until noon tomorrow. You'll be checking out then anyway. Tick! Tick! Tick!
[leaves]
Adrian Monk: God, I hate it when people go, "Tick, tick, tick."

Chuck Byrn: It's very hot. Unbelievably hot. It didn't say in the brochure this place was located five blocks from the Sun, did it?
[laughs from the audience]
Chuck Byrn: Oh, I went down to-
[Monk begins fussing with the nut bowl]
Chuck Byrn: I saw the strangest thing on the beach. I was down there, walking around on the beach and-oh, my God. That's the guy. I saw that guy on the beach today.
[points at Monk]
Chuck Byrn: And you know what he was wearing?
[Sharona's jaw drops]
Chuck Byrn: The exact same thing he's wearing right now! I couldn't believe it. How are ya? What's your name, sir?
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Don't tell him.
Chuck Byrn: Adrian? That's his name.
[He walks over towards Monk and turns to Sharona]
Chuck Byrn: That's a nice whisper, I didn't pick up on it at all. Very quiet. Very effective.
[He reaches Monk]
Chuck Byrn: Adrian's your name. Good to see you, Adrian. Thanks for coming down to the show. Let's give Adrian a big hand for coming down here, huh? Good to see ya. You kind of looked like a little bit like a vampire out there on the beach today.
Adrian Monk: Um, I'm not a vampire.
Chuck Byrn: Good thing. We're all gonna sleep better tonight knowing that. What are you doing here with the peanuts here, Adrian?
[He's looking at the row of peanuts on the counter]
Adrian Monk: This bowl had more, and I was helping to even them out.
Chuck Byrn: Evening out the peanuts. It's an important job. I think we might have hit the jackpot, folks.
[everyone laughs]
Chuck Byrn: Get comfy, Adrian. We're gonna be talking to you for a little while.
[quick cutaway to Benjy discovering the dead body in the video game machine]
Chuck Byrn: Now, this is fascinating. You keep your socks in baggies.
Adrian Monk: Uh, I really don't think it's that unusual.
Chuck Byrn: You don't think it's that unusual? Really. Maybe we could ask around. Does anyone else here keep their socks in baggies?
[Sharona still has her hands on her forehead]
Chuck Byrn: No. Sorry, Adrian. I think you're a freak.
[Monk starts to leave]
Chuck Byrn: Whoa! Not so fast, Adrian. Not so fast. You don't leave a slot machine when it's paying off, my friend. All right? So, you brought your own soap to the hotel.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Chuck Byrn: I guess because the hotel soap, that-that just wouldn't be clean?
[Sharona's date fails to control his laughter]
Chuck Byrn: Towels. Did you bring your own towels?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Chuck Byrn: Sheets? Pillowcases?
Adrian Monk: Of course.
Chuck Byrn: Of course, yeah. You realize most people show up at hotels, they show up so they can steal that crap?
[Monk starts to fuss with the microphone]
Chuck Byrn: What are-what are you doing? What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just-there was a little fuzz on it, a little lint.
Chuck Byrn: [takes it back] Yeah, but that's my lint. You can't take my lint. That's my lint. That's my area. That's where-that's where I keep my lint. That's my safe lint spot. You really want to pull it off there, don't you? It's breaking you up inside, isn't it?

Rita Bronwyn: [porters are searching peoples' bags] Oh, nothing. Doors are open. People can come and go as they please.
Tony Landis: Well, how magnanimous of you.
Rita Bronwyn: But we still have to search the bags.
Tony Landis: Why?
Adrian Monk: He's going to try and dispose of the body.
Tony Landis: What body?
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fenimore.
Tony Landis: And your theory is based on what?
Adrian Monk: Benjy witnessed a murder. And I saw Mr. Fenimore flirting with another woman.
Tony Landis: [scoffs] Most likely his assistant. Her name is Nicole Young. She comes with Mr. Fenimore and his staff here every year.
Rita Bronwyn: Look, the point is Mrs. Fenimore is M.I.A. Tony, remember the last Christmas, that jewelry was stolen? You didn't listen to me. I believe you were reprimanded for that.
Tony Landis: Fine! All right. You have one hour. After that, the siege is over, and we're back to normal.
Rita Bronwyn: [on her cell phone] Yeah.
Tony Landis: ...Or what passes for normal around here. Are you happy now?
Adrian Monk: I'm never happy. Listen, I might have to stay an extra day or two until we get this sorted out.
Tony Landis: Oh, impossible. Quite out of the question. We're overbooked as it is.

[the hotel has been locked down]
Tony Landis: Miss Bronwynn, this is not a penitentiary. You have to let these people come and go.
Rita Bronwyn: I'm gonna let them go, Tony, as soon as we check out Room 401.
Tony Landis: Do you know who is in Room 401? John Fenimore. The C.O.O. of the third largest brokerage house on the West Coast. He brings his staff here every year for a conference. How do we know the boy just didn't make it up?
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. He's-he's a good boy. He doesn't lie.
Tony Landis: All children lie.
Adrian Monk: Not him. Not to me.
Tony Landis: Well, of course, you would say that. You're his father.
Adrian Monk: I'm not his father. His mother works for me.
Rita Bronwyn: Tony Landis, this is Adrian Monk. Adrian is a former homicide detective. I just talked to his Captain in Frisco. He says we're lucky to have him.
Tony Landis: Miss Bronwyn, these people are on vacation.
Rita Bronwyn: Okay, Tony. Tell you what. Why don't you let 'em out and then you can tell the victim's family and the police why you let the murderer go?
Tony Landis: Fine. Check it out. As discreetly and quickly and discreetly as possible.
Adrian Monk: You-you said discreetly twice.
[starts to fix Tony's collar]
Tony Landis: Exactly. In fact, I'll say it again. Discreetly.

Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once, making every minute count. Gave me a headache.

[finding sacks of quicklime missing from the groundskeeper's shed]
Adrian Monk: Did you move those pallets?
Groundskeeper: They don't belong *there*.
[Monk measures the height of the pallets relative to the window]
Adrian Monk: They were short.
Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?
Adrian Monk: It's a nutty world.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Candidate: Part 1 (#1.1)" (2002)
[first lines]
Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene] The stove.
Lt. Gitomer: Over here. It's in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No... I mean *my* stove. I-I think I left it on.
Sharona Fleming: It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The little knob, though?
Sharona Fleming: I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.
Lt. Gitomer: We believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked, he left there from the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. No. No. This-This was no burglary.
Lt. Gitomer: It wasn't?
Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian. Adrian.
[she claps her hands]
Adrian Monk: He was in here. He was waiting.
Lt. Gitomer: Waiting for what?
Adrian Monk: You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains.
[sniffs the curtains]
Adrian Monk: Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.
Lt. Gitomer: Maybe she was the smoker.
Adrian Monk: No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of -
[turns to Sharona]
Adrian Monk: Sorry, I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas. Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it.
[to the other detectives]
Adrian Monk: Anyway, uh, after he killed Miss, uh...
Lt. Gitomer: Nicole Vasques, 25.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Miss Vasques, he - he hung around. He was, uh, looking for something.
Lt. Gitomer: He was looking for what?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. He checked something on her computer. He could've erased a file.
Lt. Gitomer: Anything else?
Adrian Monk: Yes, he's tall. He's 6'3", maybe 6'4".

Miranda St. Claire: Tell me, Mr. Monk, do you lie awake at night thinking of ways to disrupt my husband's campaign?
Warren St. Claire: Now, Miranda...
Adrian Monk: No ma'am, I lie awake at night and try not to think at all.

Adrian Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not...

Sharona Fleming: How does it feel, always being right?
Adrian Monk: Terrible.

Sharona Fleming: What is THAT?
Adrian Monk: It's something called "style". You wouldn't understand.

Sharona: You're going straight to hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in hell.

Adrian Monk: [about a strange painting in a suspect's office] It's me, isn't it?

Captain Stottlemeyer: I wanted to make this crystal clear; you're here because the mayor thinks you can walk on water. But you're a civilian now, Monk. When I'm in there, I talk, you say nothing, understand? Look, Monk, when I took your badge three years ago, I told you nothing would give me more pleasure than to see you reinstated, and I meant that. But you're obviously not ready.
Adrian Monk: Is that you talking, or the uniform?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I *am* the uniform, Monk. You didn't understand that back when I was your watch commander. Now, you just stay out of my way, and we'll be fine.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. And - And I'm sure you and Karen will work things out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did you say?
Adrian Monk: You and your wife - you're having some problems.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about? Karen and I are fine. We're 100%.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. My mistake. Um, never been happier to be wrong.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! Come here. How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: You missed a spot shaving. Karen would have caught that. And your necktie - she always ties it for you. She uses that double slipknot. Conclusion - you dressed yourself. And, uh, the Ramada Inn cup. Send her some... roses maybe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: When we get in there, you don't say anything.

Adrian Monk: Are you registered to vote?
Sharona Fleming: I never vote. It only encourages them.

Adrian Monk: [examining the drawstring of the window blinds in an empty apartment] He used the drawstring to steady his shot. I've seen it before in the field manual for the Green Berets, Special Forces.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's possible.
Adrian Monk: Captain, could you grab this? It'll just take a minute. Hold this up like a rifle.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
[Stottlemeyer picks up a long stick of wood and aims it out the window like a rifle. Monk sees that the end of the stick is lower than the kink in the drawstring]
Adrian Monk: How tall are you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Six foot.
Adrian Monk: No, really.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 5'11".
Adrian Monk: Our guy was taller - 6'3", maybe 6'4", just like Santa Clara.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just like what?
Sharona Fleming: The homicide in Santa Clara. We've been consulting on it.
Lt. Randall Disher: I read that. It's a completely different M.O.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think there's a connection because this guy might be tall? Lieutenant, get the Warriors on the line. I want to talk to Anton Jamison, see if he's got an alibi for Thursday morning.
Adrian Monk: Captain, do you know the percentage of men over 6'3"?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Do you?
Adrian Monk: Maybe 0.5. The odds of two men in this city in that category, committing premeditated murder within two days of each other are astronomical.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All because of a twisted venetian-blind cord. Monk, that's a stretch, even for you.
Adrian Monk: That and he wore slippers.
[sniffs the curtains]
Adrian Monk: And he smokes Newports.
[Stottlemeyer snickers and then laughs]
Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't police work. This - This is Vaudeville.

[St Claire speaks at Jason Ronstadt's funeral. Monk has lost his keys]
Warren St. Claire: In a few seconds, we will be closing the casket and saying good-bye to Jason forever.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, it's okay. We'll make new ones. Just - It's okay.
Adrian Monk: It's the key chain. The key chain - it was Trudy's. I gotta - I gotta - I gotta have those keys. That packet right there just give it to me.
Sharona Fleming: No.
[Reluctantly, she hands over the paperclip from the packet]
Warren St. Claire: Jason showed up every Sunday...
Sharona Fleming: You are going straight to hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.
Warren St. Claire: May his loving spirit live forever in our hearts and in our prayers.
[Adrian starts to create a makeshift fishing line using some dental floss and the paperclip]
Warren St. Claire: Why don't we take a moment and meditate silently?
[the people close their eyes and bow their heads. Meanwhile, Adrian lowers the fishing line]
Warren St. Claire: Now... old friend... we turn and salute you one last time.
[St. Claire faces the casket and salutes. By mistake, Monk hooks Jason's sleeve. He pulls on it, yanking up the hand as if in response to St. Claire's salute. Cuts to later, outside the church]
Jesse Goodman: We gotta pull the car around. He's ready to go.
Angry Old Lady: [to Monk] You should be ashamed of yourself!
Miranda St. Claire: Do you lie awake at night thinking of ways to disrupt my husband's campaign?
Warren St. Claire: Now, Miranda...
Adrian Monk: No, ma'am, I like awake at night and try not to think at all.
Warren St. Claire: These things happen. Hell, for a minute, I thought I had a new campaign slogan: "Vote for St. Claire. He can raise the dead!"
[He and Miranda take off down the steps]
Warren St. Claire: Where's my boy?
Jesse Goodman: Here, sir.
Warren St. Claire: Make sure Miranda gets home.
Jesse Goodman: Of course.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, a couple of questions.
Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're "germophobic," afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.
Sharona Fleming: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.
Miranda St. Claire: Ah.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I - I sense that you're a little upset, but I can tell you why I dropped my keys. I've been a bit preoccupied with another case. A girl was murdered in Santa Clara. Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?
Miranda St. Claire: No.
Adrian Monk: No?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Miranda St. Claire called the mayor personally. You couldn't just buy another key chain?
Sharona Fleming: Trudy gave it to him. It's irreplaceable.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got the forensic report back. The bullets were hollow point, designed to deform on impact.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Those can't be traced.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but we caught a lucky break. One of them was still intact. They I.D.'d the weapon. It's a Weatherby Fibermark rifle, which is British...
Adrian Monk: It's British. Long-range, preferred by mercenaries and paramilitary groups.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's right. He's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, start a list of weapons and/or ammunitions sales.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Adrian Monk: Could you cross-check that against Nicole Vasques?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who?
Sharona Fleming: The homicide in Santa Clara.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, your 10:00?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The cases don't overlap, Monk. She worked for the DMV. He was a candidate for mayor. She was behind on her rent, he has houses all over the world. She was stabbed. He was shot. Let it go.
Sharona Fleming: Are we gonna let it go?
Adrian Monk: Hell, no.
Sharona Fleming: What are we gonna do now?
Adrian Monk: We're gonna follow the money. Mmm! Ahh! I've always wanted to say that.

Adrian Monk: Boy, this is nice, isn't it?
Sharona Fleming: I forgot. What were we talking about?
Carl: England.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God, that's right. Um, Carl said that, uh, he was talking about living in England. He was a Rhodes Scholar.
Adrian Monk: No kidding!
Sharona Fleming: Yeah. He graduated magna cum laude.
Adrian Monk: Cum laud.
Sharona Fleming: Right. I know. And now he has a private practice. He's an entertainment lawyer. Guess who he represents. Can I tell him?
Carl: Yeah, sure.
Sharona Fleming: Francis Ford Coppola.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, but it's no big deal. A tabloid wrote something about him - that, you know, he was drunk at the Oscars, so now we're suing them for slander.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. I - I don't know what to do here. Uh, I'm - I'm no good at this. Okay. This man is lying to you. He's not a lawyer.
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: Oxford doesn't have a magna cum laud, and you sue a newspaper for libel, not slander.
[Carl gives him a look of disgust]
Adrian Monk: I'll just shut up. Forget I said anything. It's no big deal, Carl.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Genius (#7.2)" (2008)
Adrian Monk: To me, quitting would be like giving up.

[Monk needs to enter the chess tournament to confront Kloster]
Julie Teeger: All right, wait here.
[She approaches one of the teenaged contestants and begins talking to him]
Adrian Monk: What's she doing?
Natalie Teeger: She's... flirting.
Adrian Monk: Well, she's good at it...
Natalie Teeger: Shut up.

Adrian Monk: [writes a paycheck for Natalie] "Payable to... Natalie Teeger."
Natalie Teeger: My four favorite words.
[Monk delicately tears the check out of his checkbook. In that time, Natalie easily can go get a cup of coffee and come back without being missed]

Patrick Kloster: This is a funeral home, Mr. Monk. My wife has just passed.
[notices Monk's grin]
Patrick Kloster: I find that grin on your face rather inappropriate.
Adrian Monk: I know how you did it.
Patrick Kloster: You still think I murdered my wife?
Adrian Monk: You set a trap...
Natalie Teeger: ...like the Poison Pawn.
Patrick Kloster: Oh you've been chatting with some chess masters. Good for you.

Natalie Teeger: "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun.
[reads the dedication]
Natalie Teeger: "For my queen, Tatianna."
Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication.
Natalie Teeger: [finds Linda Kloster's check in the book] What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me.
Adrian Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made to her about him not getting away with it?
Natalie Teeger: You made a promise to me.
Adrian Monk: [through the car mirror, he notices Patrick approaching them] Shhh, there he comes.

Natalie Teeger: [Monk's latest check turns out to be $700 short] You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is that the new norm?
Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to. I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie Teeger: [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah so you just void it out. Write "VOID" right here.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't do it. If it were up to me...
Natalie Teeger: Of course it's up to you!
Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god!
[yells in frustration at Monk. You can tell that this seems to be the norm every payday]
Adrian Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now. But you know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!
[Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip]
Linda Kloster: I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie Teeger: Oh that's just me. I scream every payday.

[while Monk and Natalie are on their little stakeout, Patrick Kloster comes by and offers them water and lemonade, respectively]
Natalie Teeger: You have to admit, he's real good.
[takes a sip from her lemonade]
Natalie Teeger: What? He was right. I am thirsty.
Adrian Monk: [looks at her rather suspiciously] How do you feel?
Natalie Teeger: Uhhh, I feel fine.
[Monk is still looking at her oddly]
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me: if there's poison in the lemonade, we could go to the DA and we'd have all the evidence we need.
[Natalie promptly spits her lemonade out the window on her side of the car and dumps the rest of the cup onto the pavement]
Natalie Teeger: It just occurred to you? And you didn't say anything? My gosh, Mr. Monk, I've never seen you like this!
Adrian Monk: How do you feel right now?
Natalie Teeger: You know I hate to disappoint you but I feel fine.
Adrian Monk: [offering the bottle of Summit Creek water] Try the water.
Natalie Teeger: Okay that's it. We're going home.
[Starts the car and they start to drive away]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Stop the car.
[starts opening his door]
Natalie Teeger: Wait? What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just stop the car.
[Natalie finally stops, and Monk starts walking towards the Kloster estate]
Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: His garden.
Natalie Teeger: His garden?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on Patrick Kloster having finished despite his wife having died] It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
Patrick Kloster: Did she?
Adrian Monk: She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.
Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable.
Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she was.
[turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Patrick Kloster: What did the medical examiner say?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.
Natalie Teeger: You know she didn't look sick to me.
Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. She was also quite depressed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.

1st Elderly Woman: She was our niece.
Adrian Monk: Well I'm a former police officer, and I'm afraid we're going to have to borrow your niece, her remains, for a couple of days.
1st Elderly Woman: Borrow her?
Adrian Monk: Yes we're going to have to do some toxicology tests. Don't worry we do it all the time.
[takes flowers off the top of the coffin]
Adrian Monk: We're going to cut her open, a little bit, and cut out a small piece of her liver, and her stomach, and uh, a tiny, nearly imperceptible bit of fluid from her eyeball. Like on TV. Who likes TV?
1st Elderly Woman: But why?
Adrian Monk: The fact is, we think she might have been poisoned.
1st Elderly Woman: But how did the poison get in the cable car?
Adrian Monk: What cable car?
2nd Elderly Woman: The cable car that hit her. That's how Marjorie was killed!
[Monk starts putting the flowers back on top of the coffin, muttering to himself. A few feet away, Patrick Kloster says]
Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk, that's not my wife. My wife is right here.
[Shows them a cremation box]
Patrick Kloster: I had her cremated two hours ago. As you can tell, I have anticipated your every move.
Adrian Monk: Cremated?
Patrick Kloster: Yes I don't think your toxicology tests are going to do much good but you are welcome to try.
[Both Monk and Natalie give him a rather disgusted look]
Patrick Kloster: Oh I know that look. I've seen it quite often. It's how my opponents look when they know they've been beaten. Your move, Mr. Monk.
[walks out of the room]

Patrick Kloster: [while waiting for the toxicology report to come back about his first wife] You're making a big mistake.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the mistake, Kloster.
Lt. Randall Disher: You should have had your first wife cremated too.
[the medical examiner returns with his report]
Medical Examiner: Sorry for the delay. We know how important this is. There was no poison in the body, we didn't find a thing.
Adrian Monk: Impossible!
Medical Examiner: The woman died of natural causes. We're sure of it.
Patrick Kloster: [getting up to head to the elevator] Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: For what?
Patrick Kloster: Our little game. But to be honest with you, I'm sorry it's over.
[the elevator doors close]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her!
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, she's still in the house.
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure.
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fine, good. You sleep on it!
[slams the phone down]
Adrian Monk: How did that go?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie Teeger: What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies.
[Disher walks in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got a call. You'd better put down the cup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the airport to question Patrick Kloster]
Lt. Randall Disher: Is he here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Plane just landed. Whaddaya got?
Lt. Randall Disher: You're not gonna like it. The ME says natural causes; severe cardiac arrest.
Adrian Monk: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's already released the body.
Adrian Monk: Wh-What about a complete toxicology workup?
Lt. Randall Disher: He won't do it, Monk. Not without probable cause.
Natalie Teeger: But she was 42 years old!
Adrian Monk: What about the water, the tap water in the bathroom?
Lt. Randall Disher: Checked.
Natalie Teeger: Well, how about her lipstick?
Lt. Randall Disher: Checked. I mean, everything in the house, even her eyedrops, it's all clean.
Adrian Monk: He killed her; he poisoned her! But how?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well there he is. You can ask him yourself.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Is the Best Man (#8.13)" (2009)
[Stottlemeyer's fiancee has called off their wedding]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Guess I'll be taking that ring back.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm gonna hold on to it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk... it's over. I happen to be an expert in this area.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm not giving up! It's gonna work out! You love her, you need her. She's your answer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's my answer... where did you hear that?
Adrian Monk: Trudy used to say it - my Trudy. Besides, I'm not sure if I can open my hand.

[about his fiancee]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, look, are you okay about this? I mean, about her name...?
Adrian Monk: Oh, sure! I think it's great! Everybody should have a Trudy in their life.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'm asking you to be my best man.
Adrian Monk: Really? Wow! I'm... I'm... what am I? I'm surprised. I'm flattered. I'm slightly apprehensive. And I'm anxious, which... I'm always anxious. So that doesn't really...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is that a yes?
Adrian Monk: Yes.

Natalie Teeger: You want me to hold the ring?
Adrian Monk: I got it.
Natalie Teeger: Why don't you put it in your pocket?
Adrian Monk: Pockets rip.
Natalie Teeger: How about a drawer?
Adrian Monk: Not reliable.
Natalie Teeger: Really? I find drawers to be pretty reliable.
Adrian Monk: I'd just worry about it. You know, I'd obsess over it. Probably end up carrying the whole bureau around with me.
[as a consequence, he clenches his hand into a fist for much of the episode, holding the ring still]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, we have a victim found in Colin Park. He was shot once and then burned.
Adrian Monk: I read the file, so where are we?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still unidentified. Randy, what do we know about him?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, we know he was... flammable. That's pretty much it.

Adrian Monk: [to the small bachelor party] Okay, does everybody have pizza?
First Cop: Uh, there's nothing on it.
[Indeed, the pizzas ordered are "extra plain," that is to say, they have no cheese and even don't have any sauce on them!]
Adrian Monk: I know! I ordered plain.
First Cop: Not even cheese?
Adrian Monk: I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everyone gets one, I put your names at the top.
[In the hall, another cop heads to the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door only that the entire space of the bathroom is occupied by a portable toilet]
Second Cop: Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom.
Adrian Monk: Where do you want me to put it, Mikey, in the kitchen?

Adrian Monk: All right, I would like to say a few words about our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, thank you very much.
Adrian Monk: [reading from a notecard] And it goes like this: "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says 'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster and you wanna get married again? You're crazy! No wonder you have a duck on your head!'" And Leland says...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...And Leland says "I need a drink!"
[and receives much applause from the other cops]

Adrian Monk: [at Affinity, the flower shop] You smell that? They should open some windows.
Natalie Teeger: Mm, I think it smells wonderful. I bet you Heaven smells just like this.
Adrian Monk: I bet it doesn't. $20.

Joy: [matches Natalie and Randy with their "floral soulmates," then turns to Monk and matches him with a cactus] I found it.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Joy: This... is your flower.
Natalie Teeger: It's plastic.
Joy: Mm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: [takes a sniff of the "flower"] I love it.

Adrian Monk: You're not going to even ask him?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it's crazy, don't mention it again.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, how you guys doing?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk wants to walk TK's father down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: We're the exact same height. I mean, how often does that happen?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm sure he'd like to walk his daughter down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: Well, she can walk behind us. Just ask him. I'm talking about the exact same height. Think how cool that would look.

Adrian Monk: Well I'm not giving up. It's gonna work out somehow. You love her. You need her. She's your answer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "She's my answer." Where'd you hear that?
Adrian Monk: Trudy used to say that.
[pause]
Adrian Monk: My Trudy.

Adrian Monk: [while being held at gunpoint] That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.
Stephanie Briggs: Just shut up.
Adrian Monk: I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Red Herring (#3.10)" (2005)
[about Sharona]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Didn't she sell her house?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Charles Kroger: And she moved back to New Jersey.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Charles Kroger: And she remarried her ex-husband.
Adrian Monk: I'm not sure I like where you're going here.

[about Sharona]
Adrian Monk: You're a doctor. Can't you make her come back?
Dr. Charles Kroger: What would you like me to do? Fly back to New Jersey and drug her, bring her back here?
Adrian Monk: No. But thank you.
[pause]
Adrian Monk: She's pretty smart. She'd probably escape.

[watching a somber parrot]
Natalie Teeger: What happened to him?
Adrian Monk: His wife died.
Pet Store Owner: That's right. We had a female in there with him, but she died about a year ago. How did you know that?
Natalie Teeger: Why not put another female in there with him?
Adrian Monk: Won't work. He'll never feel the same about anyone else.
Pet Store Owner: That's right. How did you know that? We put another female in there with him, but I'm afraid ol' Sergeant Pepper is going to grow old and die alone in this little cage.
[pause]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] What was her name?
Adrian Monk: Trudy.

Natalie Teeger: You're a man?
Adrian Monk: [pause] Yes...
Natalie Teeger: Then you can tell lies. That's what they do.

Natalie Teeger: [dragging Monk through a Museum exhibit on "The Miracle of Birth"] Pretend you're in a fun house.
Adrian Monk: Funhouse? What's fun about fallopian tubes?

Adrian Monk: [in the "Miracle of Birth" exhibit] Ah, no! I can't go up there, I don't even know this woman.

Housekeeper: What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk: 9 am.
Housekeeper: Until?
Adrian Monk: Until one.
Housekeeper: Until 1 pm?
Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.

[trying to exit the "Miracle of Birth" exhibit]
Natalie Teeger: We have to go out through the pelvis.
Adrian Monk: I think this is going to be a caesarian.
[he ducks out through the emergency exit]

[Monk is looking around Natalie's kitchen]
Adrian Monk: Is there money in the house?
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: What about the coffee can, isn't that where you hide your money?
Natalie Teeger: ...How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: There's coffee grounds on the counter, indicating it's been opened recently. But you don't have a coffee maker.
Julie Teeger: [whispering] Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-Doo!

Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again.
Natalie Teeger: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: [holds up a pill container] Birth control pills. I found these in your purse.
[Natalie's young daughter is staring at them]
Adrian Monk: [realizing] I'm sorry...
Natalie Teeger: [horrified] I can't believe you just did that! Do you have, like, zero social skills?
Julie Teeger: Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.
Adrian Monk: Oh! My mistake. These aren't birth control pills. They're... Tic-Tacs.
[to Julie]
Adrian Monk: You know, to make your breath smell better. But don't eat them, they're... adult Tic-Tacs. You know, special.
[He gives Natalie an obvious wink. She snatches the pills from him]

[at the California Academy of Sciences]
Adrian Monk: This man didn't freeze to death. He was murdered.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Look, there's a puncture mark on the side of his head.
Natalie Teeger: It was over 20,000 years ago!
Adrian Monk: Well, there's no statute of limitations on murder.
[He tilts his head, doing his Zen thing]
Adrian Monk: I think I know what happened...
Natalie Teeger: Detective Monk, why don't we solve *my* case first, all right? Then we can come back here and figure out who killed Ogg, okay?

Adrian Monk: Whatever happened with your wife's niece, the one who's the nurse? She never called me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know. Um, here's the thing Monk.
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I love her.
Adrian Monk: I understand.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival (#1.5)" (2002)
Sharona Fleming: Are you all right?
Adrian Monk: I just want to be alone.
Sharona Fleming: Okay, I'll come with you.

Sharona Fleming: [Monk and Sharona are at a carnival] Are you having fun?
Adrian Monk: I think so. My head's stopped throbbing. Too many clowns.

Sharona Fleming: Are you sure you're not getting your hopes up?
Adrian Monk: That's what hopes are for.

Sharona Fleming: Do you even know how to drive?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know how to drive.
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen you.
Adrian Monk: Well, there's about 15 things that I can do that you've never seen me do.
Sharona Fleming: Like what?
Adrian Monk: Drive. I can drive.

[Adrian is trying to convince Sharona to let him drive]
Sharona Fleming: Do you even have a license?
Adrian Monk: Of course I have a license.
Sharona Fleming: Is it valid?

Sharona Fleming: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Adrian Monk: It's a blessing, and a curse.

Lt. Adam Kirk: [looks out his window at the gathered reporters] Look at them out there. Trying to get a picture of a killer cop.
[angrily closes the blinds]
Lt. Adam Kirk: Too bad I can't charge them rent. Did you talk to them?
Adrian Monk: I just told them I was a friend.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Thanks for lying. You know. I don't hold what you did against...
Adrian Monk: Why would you? I told the truth.
Lt. Adam Kirk: From your point of view.
Adrian Monk: I was there, Lieutenant. I saw what you did.
Lt. Adam Kirk: It was resisting arrest.
Adrian Monk: I was there.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Well, that makes your being here now mean even more. You know what really kills me about this is, uh, I'm supposed to testify against Stokes next week. Best thing I ever did was getting that butcher off the street and now he's gonna walk.
Sharona Fleming: Why would he walk?
Lt. Adam Kirk: He claims that I beat a confession out of him. This makes his case.
[Monk peels some paper towels]
Lt. Adam Kirk: What are you doing?
Sharona Fleming: If you don't mind, it helps him think.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Oh, knock yourself out.
Adrian Monk: Wanna tell me what happened on the Ferris wheel?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Yeah, that was stupid. I get a call from this punk, Gitomer.
Adrian Monk: You knew him?
Lt. Adam Kirk: No, I never met him. I checked him out. He's got some punk stuff-possessions, stolen vehicle. So, he wants to meet at the carnival-busy place, a lot of people.
Adrian Monk: Meet about what?
Lt. Adam Kirk: He's got something on a shipment of purple haze. So, we meet. He starts hemming and hawing and then he says that he'll talk, but only up on the Ferris wheel.
Adrian Monk: The Ferris wheel's his idea?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Oh, yeah. His idea. So, we get on. I don't get out word one, he goes postal.
Adrian Monk: You didn't do anything?
Lt. Adam Kirk: [lifts his hand] Hand to God. He starts throwing himself around. He's screaming. "Help! Help! He's gonna kill me!" So, the operator shuts down the rig. I get off. I walk 10 feet, I hear screaming, I turn around and there's Gitomer on the deck, with a knife in his chest.
Adrian Monk: Whose knife was it?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Not a clue.

Adrian Monk: And now, you didn't touch this guy?
Lt. Adam Kirk: No, I didn't touch him.
Adrian Monk: Maybe he shoved you, you shoved him back.
Lt. Adam Kirk: No, I didn't touch the guy.
Adrian Monk: Things get of hand! It happens.
Lt. Adam Kirk: NO IT DOESN'T HAPPEN! Not to me. Not anymore.
Adrian Monk: How's Anita?
Lt. Adam Kirk: Oh, she's good. Thanks for asking.
Adrian Monk: Where is she?
Lt. Adam Kirk: You just missed her. She's just out shopping. She should be back, oh, any minute now.
Adrian Monk: Listen, friend, if I'm gonna help you out, you-you can't lie to me.
Lt. Adam Kirk: What?
Adrian Monk: You two had a fight. She moved out.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Now, who told you that?
[Monk looks at Adam's gardening books]
Adrian Monk: The woman is obviously into gardening. But every plant in the place is dying.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Well, she always comes back.
Adrian Monk: I'm done here.
Sharona Fleming: You'll gonna make somebody a wonderful wife.
Adrian Monk: I can't make any promises.
Lt. Adam Kirk: Understood.

[Monk and Stottlemeyer look at unclaimed photos from the day of the murder]
Photographer: Here you go. Unclaimed from the day you were asking about. This is everything.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, I promised Benjy I'd take him on the bumper cars, so we'll meet you later, okay? Just stay close to the Captain, and if you get lost, find a policeman. Promise?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bingo.
[He pulls out the photo of Gitomer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look at the sweatshirt.
Adrian Monk: I was thinking the same thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Zipped all the way up.
Adrian Monk: But it must've been 95 degrees that night.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
[They head towards the ferris wheel]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, they meet over there, walk through here, get on the ride, go round and round, it stops and the kid's dead.
Adrian Monk: Did you question the other riders?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, I grilled everybody in the park. I got a list of-
[spots the I.A. cops]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Internal Affairs!
[grabs a balloon from another kid]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, you just happen to be here, okay? It's your day off, understood?

Adrian Monk: I am so hungry.
Sharona Fleming: Well, get a hot dog.
Adrian Monk: No, no thanks. No.
Benjy Fleming: Mom, can I have two dollars?
Sharona Fleming: Wait. What for?
Benjy Fleming: It's a contest. There's a big jar of jellybeans, and if I guess how many are in the jar, I win a boom box.
Adrian Monk: 8,385.
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: That's how many jellybeans are in the jar - 8,385.
Benjy Fleming: 8,385. 8,385.
Sharona Fleming: Have you seen the jar?
[Monk shakes his head]
Sharona Fleming: How can you guess if you haven't seen the jar?
Adrian Monk: Benjy. 8,385.

Landlord: It's a tarot card.
Adrian Monk: Look, Mr. Crenshaw, does it mean anything to you?
Landlord: Yeah, it means you're wasting my time.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Gitomer used tarot cards?
Landlord: I don't see what anybody does. I'm only the landlord. The peepholes on the door face the wrong way. That's what I always say.
Adrian Monk: How long did he live here?
Landlord: Oh, nine weeks, but he paid for 10. So, I guess someone has a refund coming.
[Monk looks up at the ceiling]
Adrian Monk: What's this?
Landlord: Mister, you wouldn't believe what I've seen hanging from those fans.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
[She pulls out a gym sock from one of Gitomer's drawers]
Sharona Fleming: This is weird. He keeps his batteries in his socks?
Adrian Monk: Oh my God.
Sharona Fleming: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's a weapon. They use them in prison. It's torn here.
[he pulls down a hook from the ceiling fan]
Adrian Monk: Could you?
Sharona Fleming: Hook it?
[She does so]
Adrian Monk: Stand back.
[He turns on the fan, and the sock swings around the room with a wide circle]
Landlord: What the hell is that?
Adrian Monk: I think he hit himself with it.
Landlord: All he had to do was ask. I would've been happy to beat the crap outta the kid. I knew he was trouble. Never paid the phone bill, but always had money to go dancing.
Sharona Fleming: He went dancing?
Landlord: Yeah, every night. That club over in the park there-the Luna Lounge.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me, Leonard Stokes? Can I talk to you?
Leonard Stokes: It's a free country. At least it will be in about 10 minutes.
Adrian Monk: My name is Adrian Monk, I'm investigating the death of John Gitomer. Did you know him?
Leonard Stokes: No.
[Monk pulls out a bag with Gitomer's cell phone]
Adrian Monk: This is his cell phone. We found it in his knapsack. Mr. Gitomer received two calls from this facility from the phone bank in your wing on the day he was killed.
Leonard Stokes: So what?
Adrian Monk: You were calling him. I checked the records. They log in every outgoing call.
[Stokes signs a paper for his belongings]
Adrian Monk: That's a nice watch.
Leonard Stokes: Yeah, Gitomer, I remember. He was here. I knew his name. That's all.
Adrian Monk: Why were you calling him?
Leonard Stokes: I don't recall. What difference does it make?
Adrian Monk: It's just interesting, you two knew each other and his murder is the basis for your appeal.
[Stokes handles an orange pin]
Adrian Monk: What's that?
Leonard Stokes: It's from my Straight and Sober group. Three year pin.
Adrian Monk: Very nice. Congratulations.
Leonard Stokes: Look, I know where this is going. You're working to clear your pal Lieutenant Kirk.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. I'm not on the force.
Leonard Stokes: Oh, come on. Sure you are. I can smell it.
Adrian Monk: Just looking for the truth.
Leonard Stokes: Lieutenant Kirk is a killer cop. That's the truth. Just not the truth you want.
Adrian Monk: You could be right. Is there some place I could reach you?
Leonard Stokes: No. See you around.
[Stokes leaves]
Sharona Fleming: Gee, he's a charmer.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Bully (#7.14)" (2009)
Dr. Neven Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?
Dr. Neven Bell: Yes, more or less. Yes.
Adrian Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at 1:00 PM, when my head is in the man's toilet.

Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me.
Adrian Monk: Hi. We're looking for this woman.
[flashes a photo of Marilyn Brody]
Bartender: You a cop?
Adrian Monk: No, no. Just an old friend.
Bartender: Haven't seen her.
Adrian Monk: OK.
[reaches into his wallet and pulls out a $1 dollar bill]
Adrian Monk: Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory...
[he waves his hand over the dollar bill]
Bartender: Is that a dollar?
Adrian Monk: [winks his eye] Okay I get it. Who knows? Maybe there are... two General Washingtons.
[he puts a dime down on the dollar bill, and waves his hand over it like he's performing a magic trick. The bartender walks away]
Adrian Monk: Where's he going?
[Monk puts the money back in his wallet]
Adrian Monk: You got to admire the guy. He's incorruptable.
Barfly: Hey. She's right over there.
[Monk and Natalie turn around and see "Marilyn" with her lover in a back table]

Adrian Monk: [Monk lifts up an oven tray with his bare hand after having a flashback to middle school] My hand hurts.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, where is your oven mitt?

Roderick Brody: I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?
Adrian Monk: Sad crazy.
Natalie Teeger: [at the same time as Monk] Funny crazy.
Roderick Brody: [confused] Which is it?
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. There's something I want to say.
[takes out a notecard]
Adrian Monk: "Roderick Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you."
Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy?
Natalie Teeger: I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You tortured him.

[Natalie and Monk arrive at the Brody house]
Natalie Teeger: Let's just hear what he has to say. If you're not comfortable, we'll leave. I promise.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: I'm not comfortable.
[Later, as they near the front door]
Adrian Monk: Not comfortable.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we haven't even said hello.

Natalie Teeger: [as Marilyn goes upstairs to fetch her husband] She seems nice. How bad can her husband be?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't always work that way. Eva Braun took in stray puppies, for God's sake.

[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling. Toilet tank of life.
Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home.
Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.
Natalie Teeger: Plato said that?
Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm going to need that shower cap back.
Natalie Teeger: OK.

Adrian Monk: Well, you were right.
[hands Roderick a file]
Adrian Monk: His name is Douglas Fendle.
Natalie Teeger: Do you know him?
Roderick Brody: Fendle. No.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Young, strapping, good looking guy. You don't know him?
Roderick Brody: Mmm-mmm.
Natalie Teeger: She met him at a bar on Vinton Street, had a couple of drinks, and he left first.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, the virile guy left first, and we followed him to the Avalon Hotel on Jackson Place.
Natalie Teeger: Roderick, I'm really sorry.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're really really sorry.
Roderick Brody: I don't see anything. You know, it's so dark.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, that film expired about 35, 40 years ago. But that's her. If you want to cry, go ahead. We understand.
Roderick Brody: I can't see anything. This doesn't prove a thing.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but you know it's her, right? Because you saw her on the street, that's why you hired us?
Roderick Brody: To tell you the truth, I'm not sure about that anymore. The woman I saw. Maybe it wasn't Marylin. You know? My eyes aren't so great, I could have been wrong.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. You weren't wrong. It was her.
Roderick Brody: I'm not convinced. You know, last night was our anniversary, and Marylin surprised me. She bought us tickets and we're going on a cruise. I think we're in a good place.
Adrian Monk: No. No, no, no, you're in a bad place. You're in the Heartbreak Hotel. Look at the next picture.
Roderick Brody: [looking at the reflection photo] Is that a spoon?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, look closer, see the reflection. Yeah. See, that's them That's your wife. That's your beloved wife. This is killing you. It's eating you up.
Roderick Brody: I don't see it.
Natalie Teeger: You know what, you're probably right. The bar was dark, she was across the room. We probably have the wrong girl. Mr. Monk, we made a mistake.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what... Zip it. Zip it.
[Starts crying]
Adrian Monk: This is the worst day of your life.
Roderick Brody: Are you crying? Adrian, I'm still going to pay you! If that's what you're worrying about.

Natalie Teeger: [as Monk pulls out his old camera] Mr. Monk, what is that? Is that your camera? Where'd you get that?
Adrian Monk: It's a birthday gift.
Natalie Teeger: From who? Thomas Edison?
Adrian Monk: It's from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: Is there actual film in it?
Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it.
[looks around his surroundings]
Adrian Monk: Okay, I have three pictures left. There's not enough light. So...
[He takes out a flash cube]
Natalie Teeger: Is that a flash cube?
Adrian Monk: [popping the cube on] Bingo. Hold this.
[He then stands a spoon on its handle. He polishes it while Natalie keeps the spoon steady]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. We use it as a mirror.
[Natalie holds the spoon upright as Monk positions himself]
Natalie Teeger: [whispering] Hurry up! Take the picture!
[as the flash fires, Monk and Natalie wince their eyes to try to avoid being temporarily blinded]
Barfly: You like that spoon, huh?
[Natalie suddenly gets an idea]
Natalie Teeger: Sir, would you mind taking our picture, please?
Barfly: Madam, I would be honored.
Natalie Teeger: [hands him the camera] Here you are. It's all ready to go!
Barfly: Hey, I've got the same model myself. A gift from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: And if you could just stand right there.
[does some positioning]
Natalie Teeger: Can you see us?
Barfly: I got ya.
Natalie Teeger: And on the count of three. One, two, and THREE!
[the camera flash goes off. She and Monk duck to either side during the flash and come back up]

Lt. Randall Disher: [briefing Monk and Natalie on a murder victim at a crime scene] His name is Douglas J. Fendle, or rather was Douglas J. Fendle, I guess it still is, but let's move on.
[refers to his notebook]
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, he was 37, unmarried, from Chicago. Mr. Fendle was an attorney, he worked at a small time law firm, Shellman, Reznick & Link, mostly family law, wills, adoptions...
[he looks up at Monk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Dynamite.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so are you, uh, going to look around?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure.
[He looks around the scene as Disher continues reading from his notes]
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I talked to his boss. She said he was on vacation and didn't even know he was here.
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, interesting.
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the clerk, he checked in three days ago. He kept to himself. Housekeeping found the body this morning. Dr. T puts the time of death at 8:00 or 9:00 PM last night.
[pauses as Monk takes a flower out of one of the room vases]
Lt. Randall Disher: He was stabbed three times.
Adrian Monk: Ouch.
[Natalie looks at him disapprovingly]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
Lt. Randall Disher: There was money still in his pocket, so it wasn't a robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, it wasn't a robbery.
Lt. Randall Disher: And, uh, there was no forced entry. He let the guy in. I think he knew him.
Adrian Monk: [semi-chuckling] Yeah I think he knew him too...
[Natalie pulls him aside]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! Can I talk to you for a minute?
[She walks him over to another point in the room]
Natalie Teeger: Do you think Roderick Brody did this?
[Monk gives her a look that means "maybe"]
Natalie Teeger: Well he said he didn't believe us.
Adrian Monk: Apparently he reconsidered.
Natalie Teeger: Well that's horrible. A man is dead.
Adrian Monk: I know, and that's murder in the first degree, and you know what that means: prison swirlies.

Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] You were right about karma. It is *fantastic*.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk-
[Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Natalie. Thank you so much for coming. I was just doing a bit of dumpster diving down there. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, what do you think?
[Monk looks like he wants to withhold something]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay?
[Monk blushes]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you happy?
Adrian Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?
[Randy whispers to Stottlemeyer]
Lt. Randall Disher: I think they knew the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? You know this guy?
[gestures towards the bedroom and Fendle's dead body]
Adrian Monk: No, not technically...
Natalie Teeger: Never met him face to face.
Adrian Monk: ...We've sort of been following him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Well he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.
Natalie Teeger: Her husband hired us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
Natalie Teeger: He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
Adrian Monk: Wouldn't exactly say friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every day for three years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.
Adrian Monk: I know I'm getting even.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, your pal - you told your pal about Fendle. And you told him that Fendle was going to be here?
[Monk's lips seem to read "yes"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name?
Natalie Teeger: Actually we can't tell you that. It's privilaged information. We could contact a third party or a lawyer...
[Monk cuts her off]
Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle.
[Disher starts to write down the name and address]
Adrian Monk: No that looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y, Roderick Brody.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's go talk to him.
[They file out, and Monk whispers to Natalie]
Adrian Monk: Prison swirlies.

Adrian Monk: [after Natalie shows up with a new digital camera] Is it a good one?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Oh, look at that.
[He examines the woman on the box's image]
Adrian Monk: She looks happy with it.
Natalie Teeger: Yes she does and she's very hard to please.
Adrian Monk: Where's the telescope thingy?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, it has an automatic zoom, so it's built-in.
Adrian Monk: Built in? Excellent!
[Monk starts to use a scalpel to *really* slowly cut an incision into the box]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not heart surgery.
Adrian Monk: If we leave right away, we can be at her house by 8:00. We can follow her all day.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, look, uh, Mr. Monk, I made a decision. If you want to keep following Mrs. Brody, I suppose that's your right, although it really isn't, but I can't help you.
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: I-I'm just not comfortable! Her husband fired us.
Adrian Monk: It's what they call 'pro bono'.
Natalie Teeger: No, "pro bono" is for lawyers! This is stalking!
Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance.
Natalie Teeger: No, no! That is just crazy talk!
[She reaches forward and switches off the lamp on Monk's table. Monk switches it back on]
Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk.
Natalie Teeger: "Pro bono comeuppance"? That's the craziest talk there is! You heard what he said, he wants you to *quit*!
Adrian Monk: I wanted him to quit! I *begged* him to quit forty years ago in stall #3.
[He pops the box open]
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah.
[as he says that, Natalie takes a call on her cell phone]
Natalie Teeger: Hello?
[pause]
Natalie Teeger: Yes, he's right here.
[the caller gives her an address]
Natalie Teeger: The Avalon? Sure, we know it. We were just there.
[She is told that there's been a murder there]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, what's his name?
[She learns that the victim is Douglas Fendle]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god!
[Monk looks up]
Adrian Monk: Why, what happened?


"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine (#3.9)" (2004)
[Monk imagines himself talking with the "spirit" of his late wife Trudy]
Trudy: Hello Adrian. You're not still smelling my pillow, are you? You can't really smell me on that old thing?
Adrian Monk: Sure, I can. It's your strawberry shampoo, and the lilac lotion you always wore.
Trudy: You never even liked that lotion.
Adrian Monk: I love it now... I love it now.

Adrian Monk: You can't rush the Monk.

Adrian Monk: You're bringing the Monk down, man.

Adrian Monk: [as "the Monk"] How you doing, Toy Store?
Disher: What did you call me?
Adrian Monk: Toy Store. Your name's Disher. Dish, plate, Plato, Play-Doh. And where do you buy Play-Doh?
Disher: [resigns] Toy Store.

Adrian Monk: [screams at Sharona who is racing to a crime scene] A "Stop" sign is not a suggestion!
Sharona Fleming: Yes, it is!

Adrian Monk: I am so out'a here.

Sharona Fleming: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk (as "The Monk"): New Orleans, Mardi Gras.
Sharona Fleming: Mardi Gras's not for another nine months!
Adrian Monk (as "The Monk"): Hey, you know what they say. Wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.

Adrian Monk: Lester! Drop the gun!
Lester Highsmith: You!
[he starts to drop his gun, but stops]
Lester Highsmith: Is that a water pistol?
Adrian Monk: No.
[the barrel is dripping]
Adrian Monk: Maybe.
[Lester starts to raise his gun again]
Adrian Monk: It's... scalding! It's scalding hot water!

Adrian Monk: Is there a suspect in the house?

[Monk is wearing a luau shirt]
Sharona Fleming: What are you wearing?
Adrian Monk: It's a little something called "style." You wouldn't understand.

Adrian Monk (as "The Monk): [as "The Monk"] Secret sauce. Fantastic. What's in that?
Burger Girl: They don't tell us.
Adrian Monk (as "The Monk): So it's like a mystery. Ah, the Monk likes mysteries! I'm a detective.
Burger Girl: I think it's Russian Dressing.
Adrian Monk (as "The Monk): Aw, man! You just ruined it for me!

Adrian Monk: You understand that if I toss these out, you'll never see the Monk again.
[Sharona throws the pill bottle into a dumpster]


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Three Pies (#2.11)" (2004)
[Discussing their estranged father]
Ambrose Monk: Why aren't you out there looking for him?
Adrian Monk: Because I'm afraid I might find him.

Sharona Fleming: You have a brother? What does he do?
Adrian Monk: He writes instruction manuals for blenders... and toaster ovens.

Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.

[after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]
Adrian Monk: What's that for?
Sharona Fleming: For making my family seem normal.

Adrian Monk: So, Ambrose, what am I...? Why am I here?
Ambrose Monk: Believe it or not, I need your help. It's about my next door neighbor. His name is Pat van Ranken.
Sharona Fleming: What about him?
Ambrose Monk: I'm eighty-five to ninety percent sure that he killed his wife.

Sharona Fleming: Well, at least you two are talking.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, because that is it! I am never setting foot in that house again, okay? I have my own problems!
Sharona Fleming: Really? I never noticed.
Adrian Monk: Okay, now you're being sardonic.

Adrian Monk: He was at the park all last night.
Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.
Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which are found...
Adrian Monk: Um...
Ambrose Monk: Near water...
Sharona Fleming: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: Wow!
Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.

[Monk and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he...
[he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken again]
Adrian Monk: You see, Sharona, what happened was...
[he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner]
Adrian Monk: I have no idea.

Sharona Fleming: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm his assistant, Sharona Fleming. Who's this? Hold on.
[to Monk]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian? You have a brother?
[pause; everyone looks up, surprised]
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona Fleming: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir. You must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, don't answer it! I... I might have a brother.
Sharona Fleming: You told me you were an only child.
Adrian Monk: I consider myself an only child. Look, we're not close. He has issues.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian Monk: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!

[while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]
Bingo Addict: Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.
Adrian Monk: Uh, no, thank you.
Bingo Addict: Go ahead. Rub the troll.
Adrian Monk: No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.
Bingo Addict: If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.
[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll with his shirt sleeve]

[Ambrose leads Adrian and Sharona into another room of the house]
Sharona Fleming: What's this?
Adrian Monk: Every newspaper printed since 1968.
[Sharona groans]
Ambrose Monk: I am as God made me.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame (#2.3)" (2003)
[Adrian uses a moist towelette to clean home plate]
Boy: [slipping] Whoa!
Adrian Monk: Do-over.

[Adrian plugs in the case-breaking video]
Adrian Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.
Sharona Fleming: Okay, here it is.
Adrian Monk: Don't blink.
[as they watch the video]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, my God.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, my-
[catches himself]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, my God!
Adrian Monk: [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [examining the photo of a car found near a crime scene] GCE-15P. Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.
Adrian Monk: It was a mnemonic device!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I understand. That's good work, Monk.
Adrian Monk: I remembered how the housekeeper said that Lawrence Hammond never forgot a birthday. A lot of successful people use little tricks to memorize information.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I said I understand.
Adrian Monk: But, obviously, Hammond made up the phrase to help him remember the license plate of the car that ran him down. "G" stands for "girls"...
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, Adrian, he gets it, okay? We all get it!
Adrian Monk: Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.
[Randy bursts into the office, looking rather excited]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, the car is hot! It was stolen from the Presidio Sunday night.
[Gives Stottlemeyer a photo of the car and the bumper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this blood on the bumper?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir, we have a positive match. It's Lawrence Hammond's! You ready for this?
[long pause. Everyone looks at Randy in disbelief as if waiting for the punchline]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ready for what? Just say it, Randy! What?
Lt. Randall Disher: We found this, underneath the rear seat cushion.
[as Randy offers a little lunch baggie with a metallic CD in it, Monk immediately reaches for it until Stottlemeyer quickly grabs it out of his grasp. He shoots Monk a look and he backs down, biting his tongue in disappointment as Sharona pats his shoulder]
Lt. Randall Disher: It's for one of those global positioning systems. It's homemade. The guy programmed it himself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, this is what he used to lure Hammond and his wife to that industrial park. Right. Okay, start putting together a list of computer geeks who can do that sort of thing.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir. There's more...
[another long pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And would you like to share it with us, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: The shooter abandoned the car in a parking lot. There was a security camera. We got a picture of him.
[hands the captain a large, blown up, black and white surveillance grab of the shooter. It's rather hard to make out any defining features. Monk bends around with Sharona to take a close up look at it. ]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, that's it? They can't clean that up?
Lt. Randall Disher: It is cleaned up. I mean, he was 50 feet away. Should I release it to the press?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's the point? I've seen better pictures of Bigfoot.
Adrian Monk: [looking at the photo] Captain, I've seen this guy before.
Sharona Fleming: Who is he?
Adrian Monk: I can't remember, but I know that face. I've seen him before... somewhere.

[last lines. Monk and Sharona are walking in the park]
Sharona Fleming: I wish you were sitting in yesterday. Benjy had two singles and a double. I'm so proud of him!
Adrian Monk: You should be!
Sharona Fleming: Next time he's going to bat clean-up. Sounds like something you would do: clean up, get it?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I get it.
[They stop when they notice Toby, Walker Browning's dog, on the grass]
Sharona Fleming: Is that Browning's dog?
Adrian Monk: I - I think that's the baseball!
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
[She runs without fear up to the doberman, and in no uncertain terms, gets him to drop the ball. Monk merely backs away]
Sharona Fleming: Toby! Toby! Drop the ball, drop it!
[the dog does so obediently, knowing who's boss and runs off. Sharona picks up the sloberry item that is no longer really a ball anymore and holds it up for Monk's examination. He stands at a safe distance]
Sharona Fleming: Eww... ssshesh - uh! God - it's all chewed up!
Adrian Monk: Uhh - it's a pretty expensive chew toy!
Sharona Fleming: It sure is!
Adrian Monk: Though - it's kind of fitting though don't you think?
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: Nobody ends up with the money. A dog chews it all up!
[starts to laugh lightly]
Sharona Fleming: This dog chewed up $3 million. And I can't even afford a tank of gas.
Adrian Monk: So you're holding, what, about $20,000 right there? You could put three, four tanks of premium in your car with that. You know what? Consider that a Christmas bonus.
Sharona Fleming: Like you would ever give me a Christmas bonus.
Adrian Monk: I want you to go out and buy yourself something pretty.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, right!
Adrian Monk: Don't save it. You don't have to save the money.

Adrian Monk: [examining a crime scene] Isn't that - what do you call it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Global positioning system. It was on, but it wasn't working. There was no disc in the computer.
Adrian Monk: Maybe somebody took it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe.
Adrian Monk: [sizing up the rest of the crime scene] The shooter was here... waiting. Hammond drives up...
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. Right. We found the casings. The shooter comes in here. Pop, pop. Pop, pop. Four rounds into the wife.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: He shot the wife first? Then Hammond?
Lt. Randall Disher: Hammond was shot once, but it wasn't fatal. He tried to get away.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: He gets out, runs. The shooter gets back into his car, runs him down.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: But Hammond *still* wasn't dead.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: In the morning, he crawled away.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my God!
Lt. Randall Disher: He crawled for 2.5 miles. Truck driver found him, 9:00 AM, near Route 12.
Adrian Monk: I'd like to talk to him.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'll get him.
[He runs off while Stottlemeyer comes over]
Adrian Monk: Captain... he shot the wife first? Why would he do that? I would've done the husband first. Wouldn't you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Monk. It's never come up.
Adrian Monk: He didn't even stick around to make sure Hammond was dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he got interrupted.
Adrian Monk: He lured them here somehow... to kill her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who, the wife? She's a nobody. Lawrence Hammond's worth a billion dollars. He had at least a hundred enemies.

TV Announcer #1: ...For the best price and best quality, come into one of our many bay area locations today.
[Another ad starts playing, with a baseball player hitting a home run]
TV Announcer #2: [voiceover] Baseball's Darryl Grant can break the single season record for home runs, but one thing he can't break is any storm window made by Parson's. Swiss-tempered, double-laminated safety glass. To protect your home, you, and your family.
Darryl Grant: [on TV] With Parson's Storm Windows, the only break you'll be seeing is in the price.
Lyle Turrow: I'm watching it right now. I've seen it, like, 20 times. Will you relax? No, the lighting's perfect. You look great!
[gets distracted when he spots Monk rubbing a spot off a basketball]
Lyle Turrow: Darryl, I'm going to have to call you back, all right? Who loves you? Great. Well, who else loves you? Me! Why do you tease me like that? Excuse me, excuse me, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: A bit of a smudge, like an ink stain. I think I got most of it.
Lyle Turrow: No, no, no, it's an autograph. Yeah, it's an 1988 all-star game ball signed by Michael Jordan.
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe he could sign it again.
Lyle Turrow: Sure, I'll just call Michael. Ask him to stop by.
Adrian Monk: Thank God, I'm so relieved!
[Sharona gives Monk a dirty look as Turrow heads back to his desk]
Sharona Fleming: He's being sarcastic.

[Monk is compulsively trying to fix the game up]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Adrian, it's okay. It's clean enough.
[Monk goes back to cleaning. The players look rather frustrated, but Stottlemeyer is smiling to himself]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK guys, we're going to be here awhile, so if anybody's got any homework they need to do, they might as well get it out now.
Adrian Monk: Play ball!
[the catcher cleanly catches the ball right past the batter]
Adrian Monk: Safe!
[the catcher throws it back]
Adrian Monk: Strike one! Ball! Ball one! That was a ball. That was ball one. Ball one!
[the catcher, pitcher and batter just look confused. So does Monk]
Adrian Monk: No - no, it's a strike!
[Stottlemeyer is very amused, but the kids are agitated]
Adrian Monk: Strike! Ball! Ball!
[the catcher pesters Monk to speed up play. Monk signals with one hand T-shaped on the other to stop the game]
Adrian Monk: Time - time out!
[points out to the pitcher in front of him. The pitcher points to himself as if to ask "You mean me?" Monk then points to the helmet he is wearing. He then puts either hand on each side and straightens it. The kid realizes he means his own hat and tilts the crooked hat's rim to face the front. Adrian then tilts his helmet so that the kid tips his hat until it's perfect. He puts his fingers together to show he's pleased and it's just right]
Adrian Monk: Play ball.
[Cuts to him bending over home plate with a handy wipe, polishing it off. As he goes back to his spot, a little batter comes up and slips on the polished plate, which has no traction. Sharona cover her eyes. Adrian looks around to see if anyone noticed. Next, he's picking off little stray fabrics sticking up off the softball with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [helping his team with their math] That eighth is where you have to carry...

[while giving the summation to Walker Browning, Toby starts growling]
Adrian Monk: OK - uh - has that dog been fed recently?
Walker Browning: Hammond the millionaire? This is insane.
Adrian Monk: You knew Hammond's schedule. The board of directors' meeting was well-publicized. The night before, you broke into his garage and replaced his global positioning disc with one that you programmed yourself.
[This is overlaid with a clip showing Browning replacing the CD in the GPS system of Hammond's car]
Adrian Monk: Hammond followed the directions, and all you had to do was wait.
[In flashback, Browning shoots the Hammonds at the industrial park]
Sharona Fleming: And all because you wanted to sell a baseball.
Walker Browning: No, you can't prove any of this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well here's a little tip for you, Walker: the next time you wipe down a stolen car, make sure that you get the adjustment bar under the driver's side seat, because we lifted a thumb print, and I'm betting it's yours.
Walker Browning: Toby! Achtung!
[pulls open the gate to release Toby upon them. In self defense, Monk grabs Stottlemeyer's jacket]
Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm done, right? I think I'm done.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, stop!
[Browning, meanwhile, attempts to reach for his ball, but is jumped by Disher. At the same time, Stottlemeyer attempts to reason with Toby, who has the ball in his mouth]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Toby, good daaawg! Good boy - good boy - give me the ball!
Lt. Randall Disher: [spins around and also sees Toby with the ball] The ball! Toby - give the ball to the captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Toby, good boy - give me the baawl, Toby! Good boy Toby!
Lt. Randall Disher: [puts his fingers together and waves them beside Toby] Toby! Toby release!
[Toby doesn't release yet]
Lt. Randall Disher: OK, OK - just give me the ball!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk!
Adrian Monk: Toby, sit!
[Toby advances on him. Monk opens the door and Toby trots out]
Adrian Monk: I - I've never been good with animals.
[Stottlemeyer signals Disher now to go after the ball like he's his lapdog]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Go! Go - fetch! Get the ball! Get the ball!
[Randy bolts out the door and chases Toby down the steps]
Lt. Randall Disher: Toby! Toby, heel! Toby, freeze! Heel! Heel!
[the dog passes an officer at the bottom of the steps, who doesn't do anything even after Toby passes him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Heel! Get the dog!

Adrian Monk: Hey... the numbers are crooked! Somebody fix the scoreboard!
[He lowers his voice because he knows no one is heeding his pleas]
Adrian Monk: No wonder attendance is down...

Scott Gregorio: They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working?
Adrian Monk: When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.

Sharona Fleming: Thank you, Adrian!
[pause]
Sharona Fleming: I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.
Adrian Monk: You're welcome.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees (#6.5)" (2007)
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's the man.
Adrian Monk: I don't think he's the man; I think he's the guy.

[Monk and Natalie are trying to return ashes to several cremation urns they have accidentally spilled]
Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: It's not even.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, those are people. Maybe they weren't the same size.
Adrian Monk: Well, they are now.
[They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from his notebook] OK. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Natalie Teeger: Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe...
Lovely Rita: [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [wryly] Thank you.
Lovely Rita: Anytime.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Natalie Teeger: Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers?
[pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]
Lovely Rita: Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake? Who are you?
Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
Lovely Rita: *Alleged* knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook. Was the wife insured?
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So where's your motive?
Lovely Rita: Wake up!
[scoots her chair over]
Lovely Rita: You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
Adrian Monk: He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.
Lovely Rita: You're cute.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.

Lovely Rita: You're cute.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.

[while they are investigating Dewey Jordan's apartment, Natalie frets about Julie's new relationship]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God, Mitch, I miss you...
[she stands up with sudden realization]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?
Adrian Monk: What?
[Monk is standing on a chair and busy removing the cover to an air vent]
Natalie Teeger: Please? I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!
Adrian Monk: [looks around desperately] What about him?
[points at Mr. Morrisey, Dewey's landlord]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Morrisey?
Adrian Monk: Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.
[He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside. He fits the screwdriver blade through the grip of the gun and pulls it out]
Mr. Morrissy: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?
Mr. Morrissy: So he had another gun.
Adrian Monk: But there's... there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun.
[He puts the gun back. Natalie stands on another chair to be at Monk's height]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please. Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Natalie Teeger: In this particular case!

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please. Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue... I am probably the least qualified person in North America.
Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model!
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Natalie Teeger: ...in this particular case.

Adrian Monk: [whispering] I'm supposed to be giving you "the big talk."
Julie Teeger: [also whispering] Why?
Adrian Monk: Because you're dating an older boy...
Julie Teeger: No, I mean, why *you*?
Adrian Monk: That's what I said!

Adrian Monk: [loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk.
[edges toward the door]
Adrian Monk: This is the end of the talk...
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
Adrian Monk: [whispering] What are you doing?
Julie Teeger: No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?
Adrian Monk: Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand?
[Julie starts to cry]
Adrian Monk: No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying.
[louder]
Adrian Monk: What you're feeling is perfectly normal!
[whispering]
Adrian Monk: What you're feeling is probably normal.

Julie Teeger: It's just... how did you know?
Adrian Monk: All right...
[gives her his handkerchief and sits down]
Adrian Monk: I used to wonder the same thing. When I met Trudy, I thought, "now I see! Now I see why I'm here!"
Julie Teeger: Was it wonderful?
Adrian Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every day, every morning, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to say is, just don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true *this weekend*, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
Julie Teeger: Until I find "Trudy"?
Adrian Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come. Just... please stop crying, and let me out of here.

Lovely Rita: You're cute.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
Lovely Rita: You ever unbutton that top button?
Adrian Monk: Uhh...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their bank records, their emails, their phone records, talked to their friends. There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.
Adrian Monk: Look, I know I've seen them someplace.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, they lived in different worlds.
[hands them one file]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions, bad checks, drugs, a couple of burglaries. And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest. One in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.

Tim Sussman: Mrs. Teeger! What are you doing here? Is Julie with you?
Natalie Teeger: No, but you might want to give her a call, because I'm pretty sure she's gonna break up with Clay.
Tim Sussman: She is? She told you that?
Natalie Teeger: Not exactly...
[to Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Can I tell him?
Adrian Monk: I don't think you should.
Natalie Teeger: I'm gonna tell him.
Adrian Monk: Why do you bother asking then?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Big Game (#5.3)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: [trying to give Natalie a boost up to a very high window] Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: [refusing to step into Monk's hands] Up *you* go.
Adrian Monk: Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: No! I'm just the assistant, remember?
Adrian Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist," from the Latin meaning "UP YOU GO!"

Adrian Monk: [to Julie and her friends] Stay in school. Don't take dope.

[Julie and two of her friends visit Monk at home]
Emily C.: You iron your shoelaces?
Adrian Monk: Mmm-hmm.
Emily J.: Why are there three of them?
Adrian Monk: [holding them up] Left, right, backup.

[Monk, with difficulty, hoists Natalie to the top of some lockers]
Natalie Teeger: Well, higher!
[Straining, he does so]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God!
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what is it?
Natalie Teeger: There are footprints!
Adrian Monk: Footprints... down you go.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, down I go?
Adrian Monk: Down you go.
Natalie Teeger: Down we go.

Principal Franklin: Yes, Mr. Monk we met last year, at the career day. How have you been?
Adrian Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Adrian Monk: [sitting in Principal Franklin's office] Ah, this brings back memories. Sitting in the principal's office.
Natalie Teeger: You? I can't picture you being sent to the principal's office.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't sent. I used to go there on my own. To report on the troublemakers, I was Mr. Campman's eyes and ears. That's what he called me.
Natalie Teeger: Ummm, so you spied on other kids?
Adrian Monk: I was keeping the study hall safe for people like you. You're welcome.

Adrian Monk: Fine, everybody just go out there and give 100%.
Emily C.: But Coach Hayden said we should give 110%.
Adrian Monk: No, no, that's a bad idea anyway. It's mathematically impossible. Just give 100%, it's a nice round number.
Emily C.: Well I'm going to give 110%.
Adrian Monk: Fine, okay, then Julie, you give 90%.
Emily J.: Well I'm going to give 115%.
Adrian Monk: For god's sake, fine, then Julie you're down to 75%.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, how am I supposed to...?
Adrian Monk: Just do it! Okay, all right, now that's 110%, 100%, 100% 115%, 75%.

Adrian Monk: [examining the crime scene] It seems like the coach ran into a lot of bad luck in this room all at once.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I guess that's how it happens sometimes.
Adrian Monk: Yes, to me, but this happened to someone else.

[Monk and Natalie are in the girl's bathroom]
Natalie Teeger: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Girl's bathroom.
Natalie Teeger: What are you afraid of?
[pokes Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Cooties?
Adrian Monk: Don't laugh. The jury's still out on cooties. If we could only get more federal funding...

Natalie Teeger: So you've never won anything in your whole life?
Adrian Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Natalie Teeger: Well, that's something.
Adrian Monk: But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.
Natalie Teeger: Well, at least you got invited to the party!
Adrian Monk: It was my party, okay, it was my mother.

[Monk, Natalie, and Julie are putting all of Monk's "Case Trophies" on his mantle]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna need a bigger mantle. Natalie! I'm gonna need a bigger mantle!
Natalie Teeger: Your mother would be so proud.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no she wouldn't. But it's still nice of you to say.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and Sharona (#8.10)" (2009)
Sharona Fleming: Hello, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: [confused] What year is this?

Sharona Fleming: Umm... I am still in Jersey, and I'm nursing again.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Sharona Fleming: Mm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: But isn't Benjy 17?
Sharona Fleming: No... I'm working as a nurse.
Adrian Monk: Oh, well, that's different.

Adrian Monk: Hey.
Sharona Fleming: Mm.
Adrian Monk: You still got it.
Sharona Fleming: It's like riding a bike.
Adrian Monk: Oh, man.
Sharona Fleming: A very clean, very unusual, very sad bike.

Adrian Monk: I got this myself. Okay, she got me the wipe. It's just a wipe. I mean, come on. There's nothing going on. Sometimes a wipe is just a wipe. I'm talking too much. Am I still taking now? God, I'm still talking.

Natalie Teeger: You paid her $20 a week more than me.
Adrian Monk: She had a kid!
Natalie Teeger: I have a kid!
Adrian Monk: Her kid ate more.

Sharona Fleming: Do you mind if she calls you "Adrian?"
Adrian Monk: Of course not. Why would I mind?
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see I don't like it either.
Natalie Teeger: Me neither.

Adrian Monk: She didn't mean anything. Nobody means anything.
Sharona Fleming: "Nobody means anything." What does that mean?
Adrian Monk: Doesn't mean anything

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I love Natalie. And I love Sharona, too. They're wonderful women. You got lucky twice. But together they're like bourbon and vodka. I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're going to tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.
Adrian Monk: I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day. Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scotts. She wants more money. I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her. I'm losing her.

Sharona Fleming: Well, I don't believe it. You're not perfect. You could be wrong.
Adrian Monk: Maybe, but I'm not.

[Monk, Natalie and Sharona try to argue as to the best way up to the ninth floor]
Natalie Teeger: How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? Let's take the elevator up to four and then walk up five flights.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sharona Fleming: Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk four flights.
Adrian Monk: Can't argue with that.
Sharona Fleming: You treat him like a child.
Natalie Teeger: He's not a child.
Sharona Fleming: I did not say he's a child. I said you're treating him like a child.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, *I'm* being supportive.
Sharona Fleming: No, you're not being supportive. You're enabling him.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here's what we gonna do. We're going to take the elevator up to 18 and walk down nine flights. That way everybody's miserable.
[as a consequence, they show up at Walsh's apartment practically out of breath]

Natalie Teeger: [Natalie opens a drawer full of condoms] Uncle Howie liked the ladies.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie Teeger: [Natalie closes the drawer quickly] Trust me, he *liked* the ladies!


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month (#3.7)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: What do you know about her?
Joe Christie: That's Jennie Silverman. She's the best employee we've got. They just offered her a management position at the new store on Livingston and she turned it down.
Adrian Monk: Why would she do that?
Joe Christie: [pointedly] I don't know. Maybe she has friends here she's loyal to.
[pause]
Adrian Monk: Those two cops were married. One of them had kids. I'm loyal to them.

Joe Christie: So, as Employee of the Month, she gets a ceramic mug, dinner for two at the world-famous Lobster Barrel, and a plaque.
Adrian Monk: And, of course, the thanks of a grateful nation.

Joe Christie: [motions to the coffee mug] What do you think?
Adrian Monk: I think Edna was obviously killed for this mug.
Joe Christie: Really?
Adrian Monk: No.
Joe Christie: Well, maybe it's made out of gold and painted over.
Adrian Monk: Joe...
[Monk taps the mug. It's obviously ceramic]
Joe Christie: Hey, you said to try three hundred theories until one fits.
Adrian Monk: I said that?
Joe Christie: Yeah. I remember everything you ever said, God help me.

Adrian Monk: What's next?
Joe Christie: Eighty-nine cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill somebody to get this?
Adrian Monk: I'd kill somebody NOT to get it.

Adrian Monk: Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: ...barbecued shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Stop.

Benjy Fleming: These puzzles have 500 pieces EACH! Now we're mixing 'em toghether... OK, open your eyes! Ready... Go!
Rudy: [about Mr. Monk] Is he a robot?
Benjy Fleming: [laughing] No, he's a person!
Rudy: Wow! What else can he do?
Benjy Fleming: He vacuums a lot... And he solves murders.
Rudy: You could sell tickets to this!
Benjy Fleming: I know, I know! I want to, but my mum won't let me. He's her boss.
Sharona Fleming: Benjy, what are you doing? He's not a toy!
Benjy Fleming: He doesen't care, he likes it! Don't you, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah! This one's missing a corner!
Rudy: [takes another puzzle] Do you think he would do three?
Benjy Fleming: Let's find out!
[Mr. Monk remains still with two pieces of a puzzle in his hands]
Rudy: Oh, oh! We broke him!
Sharona Fleming: Adrian! Hey! You okay?
Adrian Monk: Sure! You don't still have those letters, do you?
Sharona Fleming: What letters?
Adrian Monk: The letters Joe Christie gave us.
Sharona Fleming: I don't know! That was a month ago!
Adrian Monk: 27 days!... A month... Close enough.
Sharona Fleming: Hey! It's your lucky day! They're right here!
Rudy: What's he doing now?
Benjy Fleming: Aaah, he's just thinking! Wanna play video games?
Rudy: Good idea!
[the boys leave and Benjy laughs]

Adrian Monk: You were right about Edna. I think someone was after her.
Joe Christie: How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: These are the complaint letters she received in the last three months. Different addresses, different handwriting, different postmarks. But the stamps were torn from the same roll. Look...
[arranges the envelopes in a row]
Adrian Monk: They fit together, like puzzle pieces.
Joe Christie: [laughing softly] I'll be damned. You're still the man.

Dr. Charles Kroger: You know, Adrian, I see this all the time. I work with cops. I work with ex-cops. You see terrible things. People lie to you. After awhile, you don't believe anything.
Adrian Monk: I - I - I - I...
Dr. Charles Kroger: You're going to have to make the leap. You're going to have to trust. Otherwise you're going to be completely alone - and I hope that doesn't happen to you.

Delores: [about Edna Corruthers] I worked with her in Housewares. Everything had to be spic and span. She was a porfectionist.
Adrian Monk: You mean "perfectionist"?
Delores: I'm not one, so I can say it any damn way I want.

[Monk and Christie look through Jennie's awards to see why Edna Corruthers might have been killed]
Adrian Monk: Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different types of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: Barbecue shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Stop.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing (#5.4)" (2006)
Rusty: Thirty smoke detectors? For five rooms?
Adrian Monk: Plus two hallways and a vestibule.
Rusty: I used to say you can't be too careful. I'll never say that again.

Adrian Monk: This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise please speak into the telephone receiver, and leave a message which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message. And here is the beep I was talking about.

Adrian Monk: I'm now half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I'm...
Lt. Randall Disher: ...5/16ths of a man.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, no wait. 3/8ths of a man.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [enters the morgue with Monk] Hello? Well, we've got the place to ourselves so to speak.
Adrian Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not yet.
Adrian Monk: What do you see?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, bloated, laying around, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house.
[to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you think the keys were still in his pocket?
Adrian Monk: Well it's worth a long shot. Eddie Murdoch killed Stefanie Preston, there's no doubt about that. It wasn't his idea, though. His boss paid him to do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So Breen was having the affair?
Adrian Monk: Exactly! He had keys to her house. He loaned them to Eddie Murdoch so Murdoch could sneak in and kill him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He went back for the keys. That's what he went back into the fire for.
Adrian Monk: Right, and if we find those keys...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...Mr. Breen's going to have a lot of explaining to do.
[lifts up the canvas covering Eddie Murdoch's body]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Got him. Hello, Edward! Don't get up! They usually keep the personal effects in a plastic bag.

Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] I have lived my whole life without feeling a drifter's face. I've always been very proud of that. Even on my worst day, I could tell myself, "at least I didn't feel a drifter's face."

Rusty: I used to say "You can't be too careful." Never saying that again.
[He looks up and sees a man, later identified as Eddie Murdoch, walking into the firehouse. Murdoch's shoes are squeaking]
Rusty: Excuse me! Hello?
[Murdoch walks around the front of the parked engine. Rusty stands up and walks around the back of the truck, and sees him by the rack of turnout gear]
Rusty: Hey, you're not allowed back here.
[Murdoch grabs a shovel and with a strong blow, he bludgeons Rusty, killing him instantly]
Adrian Monk: [hearing the clang of the shovel] Rusty? Rusty?
[He runs around the back of the truck, and sees both Rusty's body and Murdoch. Murdoch attacks with a shovel, but Monk continues to fight back, and Murdoch eventually manages to grab a bucket of cleaning solvent off the workbench next to the truck and throws it in Monk's face. Monk stumbles backwards against the truck, holding his hands to his eyes, and slides down the side of the truck, coming to a rest by the rear wheels, all the while crying out in agony]

Adrian Monk: Why did he do it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why did who do what?
Adrian Monk: Why did Eddie Murdoch kill that girl?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Since when does a creep need a reason?
Adrian Monk: You remember when we were talking to Peter Breen, Murdoch came walking up. Do you remember what he said?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. He said, "I still have those keys."
[We see a brief flashback of Peter Breen telling Eddie Murdoch this, and holding Breen's keys]
Adrian Monk: Peter Breen drives a Ferarri, right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Wh-What do their keychains look like?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a rearing horse.
[We see a brief black-and-white flashback showing these keys on Stefanie Preston's coffee table during the fire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The impression on the coffee table, those were Breen's keys.
Adrian Monk: You said Murdoch's body is on a slab?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Downstairs.
[They quickly head downstairs to the morgue]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hello?
[no answer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we've got the place to ourselves, so to speak.
Adrian Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
[Stottlemeyer starts examining the tags on each body to locate Murdoch while Monk uses his cane to feel around]
Adrian Monk: Well, what do you see?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, just sitting around bloated, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house. So you think the keys were still in his pocket?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's a long shot. Eddie Murdoch killed Stefanie Preston, there's no doubt about that. It wasn't his idea though. His boss paid him to do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So Breen was having the affair?
Adrian Monk: Exactly! He had keys to her house, and loaned them to Eddie Murdoch so Murdoch could sneak in and kill her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He went back for the keys. That's what he went back for.
Adrian Monk: Right, and if we find those keys...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...Mr. Breen's going to have a lot of explaining to do.
[He lifts up the canvas over Eddie Murdoch's body]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Got him. Hello, Edward! Don't get up! Uhh, they usually keep the personal effects in a plastic bag.
[searching through the bag, he finds the keys]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ha-hahaha! Exhibit A - D.A.'s gonna love this!
[Monk also feels the keys and the rearing horse keychain. Peter Breen sneaks up behind Stottlemeyer and knocks him out with a hammer, then handcuffs him to the stretcher]

[Stottlemeyer has shown up at Monk's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, Monk. I'm on my way over to the firehouse right now. I need you to come along.
Adrian Monk: What for? I gave the Lieutenant my statement.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I know, but I just thought that you might see something.
Adrian Monk: Somehow I doubt that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know what I mean. Look, Monk, even in this condition you're still the best detective I know.
Natalie Teeger: Come on. I think it's a great idea.
Adrian Monk: Nah, you don't mean that. You're just trying to cheer me up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, this isn't only about you. This is a homicide investigation; a fireman was killed.
Adrian Monk: Rusty?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Rusty. He was a standup guy. He'd been on that engine for 35 years, and I'm gonna nail the son-of-a-bitch that killed him, and you're gonna help me.
Adrian Monk: Leland, I can't! I can't...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not asking you.
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, help him up.
[Natalie helps Monk to his feet and leads him out]
Natalie Teeger: Come on, you heard the Captain.
Adrian Monk: All right, I'm coming. Listen, don't expect too much from me; I'm no Mr. Magoo.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Magoo?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Magoo, the famous inventor.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Magoo.

[first lines; Rusty delivers lunch to his crew at Fire Company 53]
Rusty: All right, gentlemen. Here they are. Get 'em while they're warm.
First Fireman: Hey Rusty, what's in these? In case my doctor needs to know.
Rusty: Let me tell you wise guys something: when I was on payroll, we *respected* our elders. I come in here, I volunteer, do I get a "Thank you, Rusty?" No, I get jokes! And they aren't even funny jokes! They're old and stale.
Captain Stockton: Come on Rusty, we all love you! You know that. Look, I'm eating one!
[takes a bite out of his sandwich. Monk walks into the garage with a container of smoke alarms]
Adrian Monk: Hey, hey, Karl with a "K."
Captain Stockton: Aw, hell, he's back.
Adrian Monk: Hey Chucky, you missed a spot.
[comes up to the table]
Adrian Monk: Captain, can you believe it's been a year already?
Captain Stockton: You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know but, I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right?
[the station's call alarm goes off. Everyone stops what they are doing and immediately heads towards the engine. Stockton is handed a slip of paper]
Captain Stockton: House fire. Three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I was here first.
Captain Stockton: Sir, there is a house burning down five blocks away. Don't you think that should take a priority right now?
[Monk turns to Rusty]
Adrian Monk: Uhhhh...
[turns back towards the fire captain, who is now getting into the cab of the engine]
Captain Stockton: Don't you?
[Monk turns back towards Rusty. Behind him, the engine comes to life and the brakes release]
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Fireman: Let's go!
[the engine starts to pull out on to the street]
Adrian Monk: OK but I haven't got all day!
[the engine turns right, activates its siren, and speeds away. Cuts to Rusty testing Monk's alarms by producing smoke from his cigarette]
Rusty: How many rooms do you have?
Adrian Monk: Five.
Rusty: Thirty smoke detectors for five rooms?
Adrian Monk: Plus two hallways and a vestibule.
Rusty: I used to say you can't be too careful. I'll never say that again.
[He hears a squeaking noise. Both Rusty and Monk turn and see Eddie Murdoch walk into the firehouse]
Rusty: Excuse me! Hello?
[Murdoch walks around the front of the parked engine. Rusty gets up and walks around the back of the truck, and sees him by the rack of turnout gear]
Rusty: Hey, you're not allowed back here.
[Murdoch grabs a shovel and swings it at Rusty's head, killing him instantly. Monk hears the loud clang that results]
Adrian Monk: Rusty? Rusty?
[He runs around the back of the truck, and is promptly attacked by Eddie Murdoch. Monk manages to fight back against Murdoch, and is able to grab the shovel, but as he is about to swing, Murdoch grabs a bucket of cleaning solvent from the workbench and throws it in Monk's face. Monk staggers back against the rear wheels of the truck, and then slides down the side of the vehicle to the floor]

[Monk makes his way around the firehouse, as cops and firemen watch and wait]
Adrian Monk: Now, the table is here.
[He's pointing at the foldout chairs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Monk. The table... is here.
[He points Monk's hand at the table]
Adrian Monk: Right. Which puts the pole right there.
[Stottlemeyer redirects his hand]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Pole's there.
Adrian Monk: I can't do this.
Natalie Teeger: You can do this. Mr. Monk, just concentrate, okay? Just try to picture the room. You can do this, you have an amazing memory!
Adrian Monk: Oh right. I forgot about my amazing memory.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, what we can't figure is what the guy was doing here. What was he looking for?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Is anything missing?
Capt. Stockton: I don't think so. There's nothing here worth taking. No money, nothing. It doesn't make any sense.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's do this.
[Stottlemeyer and Natalie get Monk into the chair he was sitting in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You and Rusty were sitting here, you were checking the smoke detectors.
Adrian Monk: Right, and then this man, entered from over there. He walked around the truck slowly, like he was trying not to be noticed.
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Lt. RAndy Disher here. I'm speaking to you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to tell the man that you're speaking to him!
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notebook] OK. You know who this is, and that I'm speaking to you, and in your statement, you said that you could hear him, that his shoes were squeaking.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Lt. Randall Disher: And that he was tall, heavyset, about 6'1", with sandy hair, and wearing a leather jacker.
Adrian Monk: That's right. And then Rusty walked over to him, around the back of the truck. Then I heard this big noise, and I walked around the truck.
[He copies his movements from that day. He feels for the truck]
Adrian Monk: Where is the truck?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The truck's been moved, Monk. You're good.
Adrian Monk: And I saw Rusty on the floor, and the man was carrying a shovel in his hands.
Lt. Randall Disher: You said you could smell him, that he'd been drinking.
Adrian Monk: Rum, he smelled like rum!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We got that, Randy! Is there anything else? Anything new? Anything you forgot to mention?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't think so.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus (#6.10)" (2007)
Adrian Monk: [during a traffic jam] Oh, I hate Christmas...
Julie Teeger: How can you not like Christmas?
Adrian Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie Teeger: But it's so joyful.
Adrian Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time.
[honks the horn and yells out the window]
Adrian Monk: DAMN JOY!

Adrian Monk: Call the Captain! Tell him to stop the orange truck!
Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: I'm going after Santa Claus!
Natalie Teeger: [after him] No! Mr. Monk, no! Mr. Monk, are you sure? I mean, a hundred *thousand* percent sure? It's hard on me, too!

[Monk is pursuing a jewel thief dressed as Santa Claus]
Adrian Monk: [chasing] Stop him! Stop that man! That guy's not really Santa Claus!
Mother: Well, of course he isn't. How old are you?

Brandy Barber: The Star Of Bethlehem, a symbol of hope and peace to millions of people around the world, would have been lost to the world forever, had it not been for the courage of one man, former police detective Adrian Monk. Adrian? Brandy Barber, Channel 6 News.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, we remember.
Brandy Barber: How does it feel to be an American hero?
Adrian Monk: He's a... bad Santa. Very bad, bad, Santa. Bad, bad, bad Santa.

Adrian Monk: Stop him! Stop that Santa Claus!

Adrian Monk: [about a murdered woman] I think I know who did this.
Natalie Teeger: Who?
Adrian Monk: [whispers] Santa Claus.
Natalie Teeger: Who?
Adrian Monk: Santa Claus!
Natalie Teeger: [crying] No, Mr. Monk, not again! No, please, nooooo...

Garrett Price: I think we're going to be okay. I've been thinking about this. It's San Francisco. It's a godless town. Everybody knows that. That's why they visit. Hippies and heathens despise Christmas. All we need is a couple of witches on the jury, we're home free.
Adrian Monk: That's your strategy?
Garrett Price: That's just the beginning.

Adrian Monk: I can't live like this. Trial could be a year away. I have to tell them my side of the story.
Natalie Teeger: No no no, Mr. Monk. I've heard your side of the story, and I love you, and I don't think it's a good idea.

Adrian Monk: [while being interviewed by Brandy Barber, he is shown a shirt that has come out in the hype of the shooting. It has a picture of Monk on it, and under it is a banner that says "WANTED FOR SANTACIDE."] I don't think "Santacide" is a word.

Adrian Monk: Natalie, you're forgetting something. I have the truth on my side. The truth is a beautiful thing.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God...


"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever (#7.3)" (2008)
Billy Logan: Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
Natalie Teeger: My mark?
Billy Logan: Yeah. The big "X" on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
[Natalie moves over there]
Stage Manager: 90 seconds!
Natalie Teeger: 90 seconds? Wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
Billy Logan: There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God if there was a script, we'd all be rich!
[to himself]
Billy Logan: Amateurs.
[Billy walks off. Stan Lawrence approaches Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Stan Lawrence: Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
Stan Lawrence: They usually do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
Stan Lawrence: You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
[He hands the stack over]
Billy Logan: I need quiet everybody! New girl, new girl. You're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2-
[the show's theme music starts up. The studio cameras turn on]
Natalie Teeger: Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play?
[pause. Monk gives her a "get on with it" gesture]
Natalie Teeger: Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is...
[long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
Billy Logan: [whispering] Turn it on!
[Natalie doesn't move]
Billy Logan: Turn it on!
[Natalie presses the power button]
Natalie Teeger: My god!
[the numbers come out of the drum. Natalie reads them and then sets them aside]
Natalie Teeger: And the first number is... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number... 7. The Seven Dwarves.
[Stottlemeyer tears up some fan mail]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Seven dwarves.
[the number 32 is drawn]
Natalie Teeger: The next number... 32. 32 teeth.
[clicks her teeth]
Natalie Teeger: [the number 10 is drawn] 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Aw crap!
Natalie Teeger: Apparently not everybody's favorite.
[the number 17 gets drawn]
Natalie Teeger: And the final number is 17, my daughter's age.
[makes a little wave]
Natalie Teeger: Hi Julie!
[pause]
Natalie Teeger: Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto.
[pauses]
Natalie Teeger: You'll thank me later!
[the music stops. Monk is dumbstruck]
Adrian Monk: "You'll thank me later"? That's my line. I say that!
Lt. Randall Disher: It hurts, doesn't it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know I might as well flush 20 bucks down the toilet once a week.

Adrian Monk: Do you want to put it in this evidence bag?
[He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it]
Adrian Monk: Bag #32. Hey! 32, 3-2. 32!
[Natalie stops posing for the crowd and walks over]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you mocking me? In public? I don't make fun of your job.
Adrian Monk: That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.
Adrian Monk: You are not making them rich. You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping-pong balls. And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim.
Natalie Teeger: Some other what? "Bim" what?
Adrian Monk: Bimportant person.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, do you think I'm a bimbo? Okay, maybe what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet but what do I do for you? Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention. I guess I needed it.
Adrian Monk: Oh I'm sorry, but I can't work like this. So you're going to have to choose.
[He gestures to himself and to Natalie's fans at the crime tape]
Natalie Teeger: OK, well I guess I quit.
Adrian Monk: [relieved] Thank god! Well call the station manager, and tell him to find somebody else.
Natalie Teeger: No I quit you. I quit us.
[Monk's face turns to shock, and Natalie passes under the police tape and runs off, her fans following her]

Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry, Mr. Monk, I got a little distracted.
Adrian Monk: [sarcastically] Is the cadaver in the way? We could move it across the street if you like.

Adrian Monk: Or maybe I just feel insulted.
Dr. Neven Bell: Insulted?
Adrian Monk: What I do is hard. I am out there, I am sweating out every clue. I am putting killers behind bars. What does she do? What does she do?
[He grabs a calendar off the desk with the date "July 16" on it]
Adrian Monk: [in an approximation of Natalie's lotto voice] 91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 91. How hard is that? A talking monkey could do her job, you see. It's embarrassing.
Dr. Neven Bell: Actually that's a 16. See, you're holding it upside down.

[Monk and Captain Stottlemeyer are investigating the late Malcolm O'Dwyer's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [pitifully] What a shame! Just a kid. At least he didn't hit anybody when he jumped.
Adrian Monk: Are we sure he jumped?
[Stottlemeyer hands him the "suicide note"]
Adrian Monk: "Tired of losing." Not much of a note.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brevity, the soul of wit.
Adrian Monk: But he was a writer! Look at all these letters. No, there is something weird about this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look around you. That note's probably the least weird thing in this whole apartment. This is the birthplace of weird.
Adrian Monk: But why today? This guy was a lottery nut. Isn't tomorrow night the big jackpot?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, he probably knew he'd never win, which makes him a whole lot smarter than me.
[Monk picks up Malcolm's contact lens case, and notices something]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What have you got?
Adrian Monk: A contact lens case... with only one lens.
[He accidentally gets some contact fluid on his hands]
Adrian Monk: Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe. Give me a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't have a wipe.
Adrian Monk: Ju-just, I need a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie?
[Cuts to Natalie by the police line signing autographs]

Natalie Teeger: [upon noticing a bus with her image on it] I can't believe this is really happening!
Adrian Monk: I can't either.
[Natalie steps forward and starts to try to clean a smudge off her bus image's cheek]
Adrian Monk: I hate to bring this up, but we've got work to do. Remember your predecessor Marissa Kessler? Murder victim? Multiple stab wounds? Does that ring a bell?
[Natalie steps back]
Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry.
[They continue up the street]
Adrian Monk: OK, Randy and the Captain are probably already there. It should be just around the corner. It's uh, number 24.
[Natalie stops and enters her lottery mode]
Natalie Teeger: 24. 24! 24!
Adrian Monk: [agitated] Are you done?
[she stops]
Natalie Teeger: Okay let's do this! What's the guy's name? No wait, who was he again? Like, her ex-boyfriend?
[They start walking again]
Adrian Monk: No! No the ex-boyfriend had an alibi! He checked out! Oh wait. That's right, you weren't at the meeting this morning.
Natalie Teeger: But I had to shop for a dress! I can't wear the same thing every show. I had to wear the same blouse three times last week! Three!
[stops and enters lottery mode]
Natalie Teeger: Three. Three tres. Three...
[Monk taps her on the shoulder]
Adrian Monk: Hello?
Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry. Just remind me.
Adrian Monk: Okay, his name is Malcolm O'Dwyer. He's some kind of lottery fanatic. He wrote a bunch of fan letters to Marissa before she was killed.
[as they approach the corner, a cabbie spots Natalie and recognizes her]
Friendly Cabbie: Hey! I'm a big fan!
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much.
Friendly Cabbie: Not you! The lotto girl! "You'll thank me later!"
Natalie Teeger: That's not actually my line! Mr. Monk said it first!
[the cabbie speeds off in response to impatient honking from the driver of a Toyota Prius stopped behind him]

[Natalie has drawn the very numbers that Stottlemeyer has on his lottery ticket. After he finds that they all match, he cannot help but burst out laughing in triumph]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh my dear lord! All day I had this feeling!
Adrian Monk: Congratulations! So are you quitting?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, are you kidding? I quit thirty seconds ago when the "54" ball popped out of the drum!
[Still laughing uncontrollably, he grabs the wall picture of a boat and kisses it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Come here, you great, beautiful, no-longer-hypothetical boat!
[Still laughing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! Do you still have those student loans?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I've got eight more years!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not anymore!
Lt. Randall Disher: No way!

[Natalie has shown up at Monk's apartment, very shaken and upset]
Natalie Teeger: What time is it?
[Monk looks at his watch]
Adrian Monk: 5:00, one minute after.
Natalie Teeger: Turn on the news.
Adrian Monk: What channel?
Natalie Teeger: Any channel.
[Monk switches on the TV to a news bulletin]
Newscaster: ...a major scandal today involving the Gold Rush Lottery. As we told you before, there were two winners in last night's jackpot giveaway: Eugene Maddox, a truck driver from Rockaway Township, and Leland Stottlemeyer, a highly decorated officer of the San Francisco Police.
[On the TV, the scene cuts to a press conference with Stottlemeyer and Eugene Maddox holding big fake $106 million checks]
Reporter: Mr. Maddox, what do you do for a living?
Eugene Maddox: Well yesterday I was unemployed. Today, I guess I'm retired.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] That makes two of us, brother.
Newscaster: But in a stunning development, the lottery commission suspended all payment to Captain Stottlemeyer after it was revealed that Stottlemeyer has known and worked with Natalie Teeger, the newly hired lotto ball girl. There is a newsconference...
[Monk switches off the TV]
Natalie Teeger: They said we cheated.
Adrian Monk: Why? Just because you know the Captain? Okay, it looks bad, but...
Natalie Teeger: No, it's not just that. They said they have proof. They'd checked the equipment; there was something wrong with the machine: it was rigged.
[breaks into tears]
Natalie Teeger: They said I'm going to jail!

[Monk looks around the crime scene, bothered]
Adrian Monk: This is wrong.
[He examines the shattered window of Marissa Kessler's car]
Adrian Monk: This is wrong.
[He examines the body]
Adrian Monk: This is very wrong. This is very, very...
Lt. Randall Disher: Wrong?
Adrian Monk: This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.
Medical Examiner: Well he took her purse and some jewelry.
Adrian Monk: No, he wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.
Medical Examiner: That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.
Adrian Monk: Or, she was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern.
[Stottlemeyer crouches beside Monk]
Adrian Monk: Two, two, and two. Three times, with a pair of scissors.
Medical Examiner: Yes. That's possible.
Adrian Monk: Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Spur-of-the-moment. Not planned.
Adrian Monk: Plus, the mud on her shoe. There's a mud puddle near the exit, but there's a light, right there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she was walking she would've seen it.
Adrian Monk: Whatever happened must have started inside. There was some kind of fight; he grabbed some scissors and chased her out here.
[Stottlemeyer turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee who was here last night. Make that every employee, period.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes sir.
Adrian Monk: What is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: On her fingertips? Is that paint?
[Stottlemeyer looks at the fingertips, and then waves over a CSI tech]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Gabby. Take a sample from her left fingers.

[repeated line]
Adrian Monk: I'm the Garfunkel.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Astronaut (#4.14)" (2006)
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you're not a wuss.
Adrian Monk: Well I'm not a man either. I'm a kind of mutant: half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.

Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] Why don't you ask the Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whatever it is, thank you for asking, but I can't do it.

Adrian Monk: [to Julie's class] Who wants to be a detective when they grow up?
[several kids raise their hands, resulting in a row where all but one of the kids have their hands raised]
Adrian Monk: What about you? No? Everybody in your row has their hand up. If you put your hand up, it will be a perfect row. Put your hand up!
[She does]

Adrian Monk: A killer has to be perfect. And nobody's perfect.

Adrian Monk: I am such a... what do you call it?
Natalie Teeger: Wuss? No, Mr. Monk, you are not a wuss.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm not a man. I know that. I'm a mutant. Half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.

Adrian Monk: He killed his girlfriend.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Which I do not condone - it's indefensible, of course.

Dr. Charles Kroger: Which of your fears would you like to work on first?
Adrian Monk: Glaciers.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Glaciers.
Adrian Monk: No. Rodeos. Nah. Glaciers.

[Monk and Natalie try to get Wagner to invite them to Paxton Air Force Base]
Adrian Monk: Could we come, too? I'm a big aviation buff... fan.
Natalie Teeger: So true!
Adrian Monk: Fan or buff. I love airplanes.
Natalie Teeger: Just crazy about the...
Adrian Monk: Can't get enough of them.
Natalie Teeger: ...the takeoff.
Adrian Monk: And the wings and all.
Natalie Teeger: And, uh, the... the...
Adrian Monk: ...the rudder.
Natalie Teeger: ...the landing. You wouldn't mind if we come, do you?

Natalie Teeger: [noticing Monk putting a head onto a missile] Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Savo: [speaking into his walkie-talkie] They're at Ramp #2. He's handling a missile.
[Monk is now polishing the head of the missile]
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no, no! These are missiles. They could be nuclear weapons!
Adrian Monk: Then stop me, for the love of God.

Adrian Monk: I can't speak in public.
Natalie Teeger: See, that's not true. Remember when I first started working for you and you made that list with all of your fears and phobias, there were one hundred and three things, public speaking wasn't one of them.
Adrian Monk: Actually, there were a couple of things I didn't mention; I didn't want you to think I was weird.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus (#2.4)" (2003)
Sharona Fleming: Oh, suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up. I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming: Why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming: No.
Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.

Sharona Fleming: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen a comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh, it's kinda
[gestures with hands]
Adrian Monk: ...small. I, I don't have a comfort zone.

Sharona Fleming: If you know who did it, why didn't you go to the police?
Adrian Monk: Because she was afraid. You're not a citizen yet, but you're about to take your naturalization test, and you didn't want to draw attention to herself.
Ariana Dakkar: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: The pamphlet in your bag. You're studying the U.S. Constitution, something no citizen would ever do. Good luck, by the way.
Ariana Dakkar: Thank you, Mr. Monk.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that thing down to the lab straight away.
[the clown motions Randy out]
Adrian Monk: I wouldn't bother. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down.
[Natasia looks smug]
Adrian Monk: Then again, that walkie looks brand new, which means she had to put batteries in it.
[the smug look fades]
Adrian Monk: You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?
Floppy the Clown: [points his finger like a gun at Natasia] Wocka wocka!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, that's it, freak! You're under arrest!
[cuffs him]
Floppy the Clown: For what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!

[Stottlemeyer is reconstructing the crime for Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's after midnight, everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, shimmies down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move...
[spins and kicks up his foot]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - kill shot.
Adrian Monk: From *here*? What is that, thirty feet?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the flower box.
Adrian Monk: [looks] What did he use, a cannon?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
Lt. Randall Disher: They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.

Sharona Fleming: S I U. You know what that means?
Adrian Monk: Yes I know what it means.

Adrian Monk: [looking at Nikolai Petroff, who is about to be questioned] A leopard and panther wrangler.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
Lt. Randall Disher: He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good.
[Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Hmm. He's left-handed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
Adrian Monk: What's that supposed to mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Adrian Monk: Says who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
Adrian Monk: I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Cold as ice with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: She's got a bad temper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A bad temper with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: You keep coming back to the foot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
Adrian Monk: That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses?
[Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs]
Adrian Monk: There's only one reason - to prove...
[Suddenly, Adrian looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]
Adrian Monk: ... prove that she could.
[She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Sharona Fleming: Suck it up!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're fine.
Sharona Fleming: Fine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher: Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City.
[enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over]
Lt. Randall Disher: She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin.
[We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but missing the next performer and falling to the ground]
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet, in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.

Adrian Monk: Ahem. She missed the net?
Lt. Randall Disher: She never used a net.
Adrian Monk: She go to the hospital?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
Adrian Monk: So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine.
[walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're welcome.
[Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
Adrian Monk: You want to finish it?
[Stottlemeyer walks up to the pair and tries to give them some advice. He takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona. Monk listens to the captain but rolls his eyes, and keeps his tongue]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
Sharona Fleming: We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
Adrian Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
Sharona Fleming: I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[a fireblower freaks Monk, who recoils a bit but then keeps on moving]
Lt. Randall Disher: Ha ha ha. Payroll, 240 people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah and he's using the term "people" very loosely.
[a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: Ooh! You okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
[He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen your comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh...
[tries to size it up with his hands]
Adrian Monk: ... it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: Where do we start?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
Adrian Monk: You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble.
[Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and the captain watches him in disbelief. The captain gets him to leave it alone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy!
[Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]

Adrian Monk: [Making instant cocoa] Is this a dollop?
Sharona Fleming: What?
Adrian Monk: A dollop. It says, ''Add one dollop of whipped cream.''
Sharona Fleming: I dunno. I think a dollop's like a teaspoon.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. It doesn't say teaspoon. It says, 'Dollop.'
Sharona Fleming: It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be exact. It's like a pinch.
Adrian Monk: How many pinches to a dollop?
Sharona Fleming: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Or maybe it's more like a schmear. Wait. It's like three pinches to a schmear... or... Ach! Forget it! Let's make something else.
Sharona Fleming: What? You're throwing it out!
Adrian Monk: Nobody can make this cocoa. The recipe's impossible.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Psychic (#1.3)" (2002)
Adrian Monk: You've gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything - UFOs, elves, income tax rebates.

Adrian Monk: [freaking out over a handshake] Did you see that? It was a two-hander!

Adrian Monk: [attempting to get Captain Stottlemeyer to investigate the former police commisioner for murdering his wife] Leland, I'm talking to the best cop I know, you got to get on board here!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Look, I knew you were crazy. I didn't know you were suicidal. Did you accuse Harry Ashcombe of murder to his face?
Adrian Monk: Not in so many words.

Sharona Fleming: [at the Ashcombes' house] This... is a nice place. Obviously who ever lives here doesn't work for you.
Adrian Monk: The late Mrs. Ashcombe was richer than Canada.

[Stottlemeyer enters his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, excuse me. I must have the wrong office. Yeah, see, I'm confused because my name is on the door.
Adrian Monk: Don't blame Sharona, Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona.
[sees his desk]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What happened here?
Adrian Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a bit.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Adrian Monk: In your drawers. And obviously I had to throw some stuff away.

Adrian Monk: [about Ashcombe's wife] You don't believe it was an accident?
Jennifer Zepetelli: All I know is, Harry Ashcombe is a very dangerous man. I hope you know what you're doing.
[cut to later, in Monk's apartment]
Sharona Fleming: Do you know what you're doing?
Adrian Monk: Relax, I have been handling refrigerators since I was fifteen.
Sharona Fleming: I mean about the case. The former Commissioner isn't just another suspect, Adrian. He is connected. He is the man, and you'd better be sure about this.
Adrian Monk: I'm as sure as I can be... without, any, you know, proof.
[Sharona face-palms]

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Look, I knew you were crazy. I didn't know you were suicidal. Did you accuse Harry Ashcombe of murder to his face?
Adrian Monk: Not in so many words.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [laughing derisively] Well, there goes your career!
Adrian Monk: *What* career?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Exactly! You wonder why you're not wearing a badge?

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened... Ashcombe did his wife, but he had a problem. There was a mudslide that night, the car was buried. He couldn't collect a dime until they found her! What could he do? He couldn't just say, "Maybe we should dig over there!" Somebody else had to find her!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [referring to the psychic who found the body] So he paid Dolly Flint?
Adrian Monk: Too dangerous. She'd never keep her mouth shut. Ashcombe... "arranged" for her to find the body.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Right, but how did he do that?
Adrian Monk: I think I know.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Can you prove it?
Adrian Monk: Only if you help me.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas (#3.14)" (2005)
Adrian Monk: There's an old saying: Don't change anything... *ever*!
Natalie Teeger: [skeptical] That's an old saying?
Adrian Monk: I've been saying it for years.

Natalie Teeger: Are you counting cards?
Adrian Monk: No, I'm remembering them.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, that means, if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered... I'm as smart as you.
Adrian Monk: Smarter!

Adrian Monk: You had a gambling problem?
Natalie Teeger: Couldn't stop. I was a mess.
Adrian Monk: But you walked away. How did you do it?
Natalie Teeger: I had Mitch... How did you do it?
Adrian Monk: I have *you*.

Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: Pokin' around.
Adrian Monk: You can't *do* that!
Natalie: I can do anything I want. I'm cute.

[Natalie has been getting all kinds of special favors from one of the bellboys because she's "cute"]
Adrian Monk: Boy, it's like you have superpowers.
Natalie: It's a gift.
Adrian Monk: And a curse?
Natalie: No, just a gift.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, she's always gone too long...
[Natalie comes in and sees Stottlemeyer at the mic]
Adrian Monk: Don't ask.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] ... anytime she goes away. Wonder this time where she's gone, wonder if she's gone to stay...
Wanda the Barfly: Do the dance, you did a little dance.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] Ain't no sunshine, when she's gone. So, gone too long, anytime she goes away...
Wanda the Barfly: Turn around, I wanna see your tush.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know...
Wanda the Barfly: Those are different pants, where're the jeans?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [stops] Look, lady, a deal is a deal. I sang the song, now tell me what I said last night.
Wanda the Barfly: All you said was, "They don't match."
Capt. Stottlemeyer: "They don't match"? What doesn't match?
Wanda the Barfly: I don't know, you didn't say.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Wait, wait, wait. Is that it? Is that all you got?
Wanda the Barfly: Leland, sing it again. I just love the way you sing.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [sighs] Thank you.
[He goes over to Monk and Natalie]
Adrian Monk: You were good.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Shut up.

[Monk's trying not to look at the show girls on stage]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, they're not naked.
Adrian Monk: They're *naked-ish*!
Natalie Teeger: [chuckles] Well, I can't argue with that. They are definitely naked-ish.

Adrian Monk: They look miserable.
Natalie Teeger: They are miserable. You might be the happiest person here.
[Behind them, a woman screams and jumps up and down in excitement at having won at a slot machine]


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion (#5.6)" (2006)
Natalie Teeger: Well this looks delicious. So this is where you ate? I mean was this your "hangout"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, I-I-I think I've seen enough of this. Let's just go.
Natalie Teeger: No, I'm not gonna let you go. You've been looking so forward to this.
Adrian Monk: I don't know what I was thinking. These people weren't my friends, okay? They don't even remember me. The truth is I was invisible. It was Trudy they loved. I was just "the guy with Trudy," just like you're the girl with me.
[Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, why is your name on the spit-shield?
[We see a plaque on the spit-shield with Monk's name proudly engraved on it]
Adrian Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.
Natalie Teeger: So you donated all of these? That is so generous of you!
Adrian Monk: Actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up much of my spare time.
Dianne Brooks: [comes over] Adrian, there you are. We've been looking for you.
[She casts a suspicious glance at Natalie, like what Monk told her earlier about him not dating anyone isn't true]
Natalie Teeger: Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger.
Dianne Brooks: [shakes hands with Natalie] Hi. Dianne Brooks.
Natalie Teeger: I'm his assistant.
Dianne Brooks: Oh, so you two aren't?
[she gestures her hands as if to mean "dating" or "together"]
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No-no-no-no-no.
[says it a few more times]
Dianne Brooks: Where are you sitting? Kyle and I are right over here. We saved you a seat. Fair warning- we brought a lot of pictures.
[They start walking in that general direction]
Natalie Teeger: See, you have a friend!
Adrian Monk: Not really. She was Trudy's roommate, freshman year.
Natalie Teeger: But she saved us a seat.
Adrian Monk: Out of pity. These are what we call "pity seats".

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walking in on Monk, who is defrosting a refrigerator] There you are.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looking for you. I was about to give up when I heard some clowns downstairs talking about a guy up here defrosting a refrigerator. Who's Captain Cool?
[Two students walk past them]
First Student: Captain Cool lives!
Second Student: The return of Captain Cool!
First Student: The Iceman Cometh back!
[They leave the lounge and walk down the hall laughing to themselves]
Adrian Monk: Might be me.
[He activates the blowdryer and continues to defrost]

Adrian Monk: [about Dianne Brooks having two dogs with the name Tangerine] One in a million. Maybe one in a trillion.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, forget about the dog!
Adrian Monk: How could the same person have two dogs, 25 years apart, happened to be named Tangerine? Tangerine, and this Tangerine is black!
Natalie Teeger: Why would anybody lie about a dog's name?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, but... there is something weird about that guy. Dianne said that he couldn't wait to meet me, but he didn't even know I was a detective.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! Let's have some fun!
[snaps her fingers]
Natalie Teeger: You said you were gonna show me your dorm room!
Adrian Monk: Well, It's right here, old #303. Uh-oh! Tie on the doorknob!
[there is a tie hanging from the doorknob]
Adrian Monk: My roommate and I did the same thing, it's a code.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think I might know about that.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it means, "Don't come in! I'm reorganizing my closet."
Natalie Teeger: Your closet?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. My roommate in freshman year, Greg, he reorganized his closet 4-5 times a week.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh. And did his girlfriend ever come over to help?
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah, all the time, they were real neat freaks. I used to tease them about it. "Neat freaks!"

Natalie Teeger: Oh, look. There's a reception for all current and past senior chess club members. Weren't you in the chess club? That sounds like fun.
[Monk gives her an odd look]
Natalie Teeger: You never know. It might be fun.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, have you ever seen a chess club?
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
[Monk is picking at something underneath the bench]
Adrian Monk: Weeds.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there are weeds everywhere! What are you gonna do? Clean up the whole campus?

Natalie Teeger: You mean when he wrote it on your back, you could feel it? Y-you could do that?
Adrian Monk: I have very sensitive skin.
Natalie Teeger: That's like a superpower! Like a really weird, not very useful super-power.

[Monk and Natalie are at the reunion dinner. Monk points at Kyle Brooks]
Adrian Monk: He missed that ball on purpose. He dropped his hands. I think he wanted her to break that glass.
Natalie Teeger: Well why, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: And the dog? What about the dog with the same name and how he insisted on everyone eating at Rocco's? I mea, what was that all about?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know! Maybe the guy's eccentric.
Adrian Monk: No, *I'm* eccentric. He's up to something.
[a photo of Adrian and Trudy appears on the slideshow projector]

[Monk is fussing with his lapel pin]
Adrian Monk: Is it straight? I can't get it straight.
Natalie Teeger: Why don't you just stand at a slight angle?
[they start walking]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, maybe I should stay.
Adrian Monk: No, I...
Natalie Teeger: No-no, my parents can pick Julie up.
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Natalie Teeger: Well it's just that the last time you saw these people, you were with Trudy. I remember after Mitch died, how difficult it was, going to parties, seeing our friends, that's when I missed him the most.
Adrian Monk: I'm way ahead of you. I did all my crying last night, I'm good to go.

[Natalie pulls Monk's registration form out of her purse]
Natalie Teeger: "Adrian 'Captain Cool' Monk". Who's Captain Cool?
Adrian Monk: [strikes a Macho pose] That was my nickname.
Natalie Teeger: You were Captain Cool? Why?
Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.

Dianne Brooks: [handing a photo to Monk and Natalie] We don't have any family so we just show pictures of our house.
Natalie Teeger: Well, it's nice.
Dianne Brooks: Thank you. And that's Tangerine.
Adrian Monk: Wait. Didn't you used to have a dog named Tangerine?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Paperboy (#2.10)" (2004)
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, we can sit here singing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life.
Adrian Monk: [singing] If ever I would leave you...

Adrian Monk: [police officers are investigating his home] If something spills, I want to be here.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, trust me... if something spills, you do not want to be here.
Adrian Monk: That's a good point...

Heavyset Detective: Where's your bathroom?
Adrian Monk: [closes bathroom door] I don't have one.

Adrian Monk: [after accidentally wiping his hands with a cloth covered in oil] Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

[Monk solves a murder in France, just by reading the newspaper]
Adrian Monk: [on telephone] I think I know who killed Madame Beaudry.
Captain Dupres: [skeptically] Oui, Monsieur Monk, what is your theory?
Adrian Monk: I think her husband did it.
Captain Dupres: Well, we suspected him from the beginning. But why did he cut off her hands?
Adrian Monk: He must have used a pair of handcuffs from the museum to restrain her.
Captain Dupres: I do not follow you.
Adrian Monk: They were antique handcuffs, very distinctive, so they could easily have been traced back to him.
Captain Dupres: Mon Dieu...
Adrian Monk: He must have lost the key. So he was desperate, he had to get them off the body.
Captain Dupres: Well, that makes sense! Lafitte, why didn't I think of that? Monsieur Monk, you are a genius! Perhaps someday, you will come to Paris so I can thank you in person.

[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Why do you say that? Why do you torture me?
Sharona Fleming: Because I can.

Adrian Monk: I cleaned last night.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you sleep at all?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He can sleep when he cleans. I've seen it.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you hear anything?
Adrian Monk: What time was that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 5:30 AM.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. I wouldn't have heard a thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sleeping?
Adrian Monk: Nah. I was vacuuming.

Adrian Monk: I don't have to be the man. But I would like to be... man-ish.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Blackout (#3.3)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: [frantically pressing elevator buttons] Lobby... lobby... lobby... lobby...
Rita: Sir, there's no power. It's not going to move.
Adrian Monk: You're probably right.
[resumes pushing]
Adrian Monk: Lobby... lobby... lobby...

Sharona Fleming: I'm going to Hell. I'm a horrible person.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Sharona Fleming: I just told that woman, Michelle, that there was nothing wrong with you.
Adrian Monk: She should have asked me.

Michelle Rivas: If I didn't have cooties, I'd kiss you right now.
Adrian Monk: If you didn't have cooties, I'd let you.

Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, these are night vision goggles. Turn the lights back off! I'll have the advantage. Turn them off!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

Adrian Monk: [sending a package of wipes up to Alby Drake in a tree] They have a million and one uses!

[during yet another blackout]
Adrian Monk: I can't find my night vision goggles! There is a fatal flaw in the night vision goggle plan!

[Monk is talking with Michelle Rivas and hears a noise. She looks up and sees Gene Edelson coming down the ladder]
Michelle Rivas: Gene, what are you doing up there?
Winston Brenner: I am checking the auxiliary generator.
Michelle Rivas: Yeah well there's a reporter looking for you.
Winston Brenner: Well you're the company mouth. You talk to them. It's not my problem.
[spots Monk tapping his pen against the gauge on one of the panels]
Winston Brenner: Excuse me. Do you, see the sign?
[Monk spots the "Do Not Touch" sign above the gauge]
Adrian Monk: Yes, thank you.
[straightens it a little bit. Michelle smiles]
Michelle Rivas: I've been dying to do that for six months.

[the team arrives at a construction site to talk to Alby Drake about Winston Brenner]
Alby Drake: No, I'm not being reasonable. I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!
[Monk and Sharona arrive]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: Who is he?
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree hugger.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend. They were roommates at MIT.
Adrian Monk: How long has he been up there?
Construction Foreman: Ten days. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.
[Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The FBI - in their infinite wisdom - now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.

[During the blackout, Monk has been stalking Brenner through his apartment, wearing night-vision goggles. When the lights come back, Monk doesn't realize it]
Adrian Monk: Maybe... I'm a ghost... Oooooo...
[Brenner approaches him head-on with a knife]
Adrian Monk: ...You can see me, can't you?
Winston Brenner: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The lights are back, aren't they?
Winston Brenner: Yep.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan (#6.1)" (2007)
[Natalie is trying to convince Monk to take part in a SFPD bachelor auction]
Natalie Teeger: Don't you want to be a team player?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie Teeger: Don't you want to appear to be a team player?
Adrian Monk: Sure.

Natalie Teeger: Okay, how about this: you give me $600. When anybody bids on you, I'll outbid them.
Adrian Monk: That's a great idea. How do I get my money back?
Natalie Teeger: You don't, it goes to charity.
Adrian Monk: Let's keep thinking.

[Monk finds evidence that Marci's neighbor has killed his wife]
Adrian Monk: There's a chance... she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but... she might not be wrong.
[Marci trots toward him ecstatically]
Adrian Monk: [shrinking] Clue hug?
Natalie Teeger: Take it like a man.

Adrian Monk: [to Marci] Monogrammed wipe.

[during the flashback summation]
Adrian Monk: [voice-over] Marci, what are you doing? There's no hugging during the "here's what happened!"
Marci Maven: [voice-over] Sorry, go on.

Adrian Monk: [reading Marci's letter] "Dear Adrian, I'm sorry I can't have your things in my house anymore. How would I ever explain it to... Fmurry Abraham?"
Natalie Teeger: F. Murray Abraham, the actor.
Adrian Monk: May God have mercy on his soul.

[last lines; Marci has sent her box of memorabilia back to Monk. He finds the troll doll]
Adrian Monk: Oh look, it's you.
[Natalie finds the bobbleheads of Monk and Marci]
Natalie Teeger: [as Marci] "Oh, Adrian, I adore you! You're so amazing!"
Adrian Monk: All right...
Natalie Teeger: [as Monk] "Thank you, Marci. I think you have excellent taste. How would you like to be my new assistant? You can follow me around and worship me all day."
Adrian Monk: All right, it wasn't like that...
Natalie Teeger: [as Marci] "And let's seal the deal with a great big clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug!"
Adrian Monk: Cut it out, will you? I know it's you.
Natalie Teeger: [following him] "Oh, don't go away, I just want a little clue hug! Clue hug, clue hug, clue hug!"

Adrian Monk: [Monk and Natalie are visiting Marci in her home. She serves Monk his favorite bottled water and square cookies] They're square!
Marci Maven: [laughing] I knew you would appreciate that! Yeah, I've been baking all day, and cleaning, I wanted everything to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: [Monk examines his glass] Marci, is this *my* glass?
Marci Maven: Not anymore, you threw it out - remember? And yes, this is your rug, and yes, that is your lamp, and yes, these are your pants.
[Monk and Natalie look at each other suspiciously]
Marci Maven: Don't worry, I'm not crazy, I'm just a fan.
[Seriously]
Marci Maven: You are amazing. But you knew that, didn't you.
Natalie Teeger: His pants?

Marci Maven: [Monk, Natalie, and Marci are walking away after interviewing a lumberyard employee] That is 4 lumberyards down and one to go. How am I doing?
Adrian Monk: Not bad, actually.
Marci Maven: Well if you ever need an assistant...
Adrian Monk: Well, I have Natalie.
Marci Maven: Well, maybe it's time for a change.
Adrian Monk: Well, Natalie and I have been together for three and half years. So I don't...
Marci Maven: I'll work for free!
Adrian Monk: [Monk stops and thinks. Natalie turns toward him] What?
Natalie Teeger: You're considering it?
Adrian Monk: Well... you know... free.
Natalie Teeger: So?
Marci Maven: You want to make a counteroffer?
Natalie Teeger: Yea, here's my counteroffer: I'm not nuts!
Marci Maven: You're right, you're right, I'm sorry. It's-it's her, I get flustered.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you're not flustered, you're flattered. Who wouldn't be? She adores you, she knows everything about you. After all, you're only human.
Marci Maven: There's no need for name calling.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Buys a House (#7.1)" (2008)
[Monk has called "Honest Jake" over to repair an off-centered lamp]
Adrian Monk: Just-just be careful!
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Oh, so you're a little bit of a nervous Nellie? I've got a cousin like you. He makes coffee nervous.
[He removes the attachment covering and stops]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? What uh-oh?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Your wires are all frayed. The connection is rusted.
Adrian Monk: What does that mean?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: It means you're not up to code, my friend. This is a fire trap. OK, we're gonna have to run a new line to here. We're gonna have to go through that wall, feed it up over here...
Adrian Monk: W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Adrian, I'm a surgeon. It's going to be like taking out an appendix; snip, snip, snip, pop the wire in, run it up to the fixture, a little spackle, a little paint...
Adrian Monk: Will it be
[imitates a jackhammer]
Adrian Monk: messy?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Nah, don't worry. You won't even know I was here.
[Cuts to Jake carelessly breaking down part of the wall, leaving the frame exposed. He stops]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? What now?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: I do not like the look of this. OK we've got a problerino - it's what we call a glitch. See this pipe?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: That's your primary water line.
[taps the pipe with his hammer]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: It's corroded.
Adrian Monk: Of course it is.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Almost all the way through. Could burst any time.
[turns to Monk]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: I-I-I thought that you got this place inspected.
Adrian Monk: I did.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: What? Was the guy blind in both eyes? Listen, Adrian, I've gotta be honest with you, because I respect you very much. This whole section has to go. Which means this wall, this wall, and this half of the floor.
Adrian Monk: What about the other half?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: That's gonna have to come up, too. But I know a great plumber. His name is Ramone. They call him "Honest Ramone".
Adrian Monk: Of course they do.
[Cuts to Jake, now accompanied by Ramone, hacking at the wall, sending shrapnel flying everywhere as Monk and Natalie cower on the steps]

[Monk shows Jake and Ramone a piece of wallpaper that was lodged in Joseph Moody's wheelchair]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: So you just put that together? Just like that? Fantastic.
Adrian Monk: And this.
[pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair]
Adrian Monk: Tributeral. This is the medication she said made him disoriented.
[He hands it to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: It's never been opened. You think she killed him?
Adrian Monk: She lied about it. There's gotta be a reason.
[Jake and Ramone both nod in agreement. Cuts to the darkened interior of an intact house. Cassie Drake brings groceries into her house and sets them down on the counter, and then turns on the lights, revealing Jake, who is sitting in an armchair]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Hey, Cassie.
[Cassie recoils a bit, but then realizes that it's just Jake. She puts her hand on her chest, relieved that she didn't walk in on a burglar]
Cassie Drake: Jake. You scared me to death.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Yeah, I heard you're working the night shift. That sucks; throws off the whole internal clock. Gets it all out of whack.
Cassie Drake: How did you get in?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Sliding door. It's broken.
Cassie Drake: No it's not.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: No, it is.
[Cassie still appears to be a little nervous]
Cassie Drake: So, how's it going over there? When do I see my share?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: See, buttercup, that's why I'm here: We ran into a little... bump in the road today. Guess who bought the house?
[pause. Cassie does not produce a response]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Adrian Monk.
[short pause]
Cassie Drake: I don't know him.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: He's on to you, Cassie.
Cassie Drake: It wasn't my fault, Jake. I didn't wanna kill him.
[Jake rises from his chair and grabs an awl from his toolbelt. He advances on Cassie]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: I know.
Cassie Drake: He would've told everyone. I really didn't have a choice.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: I know.
[Jake stabs her and slices the awl through her chest]
Cassie Drake: AHHHH! AGGGGHHH! OW!
[Cassie drops to the floor, dead]

[Pounding in a protruding nail, Monk sees something in a wall]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God!
[Jake glances at them]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: "Oh my God" what? What do you see?
[Monk and Natalie can't muster themselves to say what they've found]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: What do you see?
[He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: What do you see?
[He realizes he's found the money]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: It's a false wall. There's a reason that light was off-centered: because this is a false wall!
[to Ramone]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Come on, move the furniture.
[They move a table]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Take it down!
[He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both start laughing in triumph]
Honest Ramone: Jake. Jake. What do you wanna do with your share of the money?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it!
[He quickly pulls his gun, and then shoots and kills Ramone]

[Jake tells Adrian about how he works like a surgeon]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Don't worry. You won't even know I was here.
[cuts to Jake carelessly breaking down the wall. He stops]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? What now?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: I do not like the look of this. OK, we've got a problerino - it's what we call a glitch. See this pipe? That's your primary water line.
[taps the pipe with his hammer]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: It's corroded.
Adrian Monk: Of course it is.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Almost all the way through. Could burst any time.
[turns to Monk]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: I-I-I thought that you got this place inspected.
Adrian Monk: I did.
'Honest' Jake Phillips: What? Was the guy blind in both eyes? Listen, Adrian, I've got to be honest with you, because I respect you. This whole section has to go.
[He points to the various objects]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Plus this wall, this wall, and this half of the floor.
Adrian Monk: Wha-What about the other half?
'Honest' Jake Phillips: That's gonna have to come up, too.

[Having managed to pull himself out from underneath a fallen wall, Jake, his face bloodied, makes his way over to the living room, holding his gun, and starts to train it at Monk and Natalie]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: If you like my work, tell your friends about how to find my business. On second thought, I'm gonna retire.
[He brings up his gun and prepares to pull the trigger. Stottlemeyer and Disher burst into the house, holding their weapons]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Drop the gun! Drop the gun!
[Jake puts his gun down and his hands up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: On the ground. On the ground!
[Stottlemeyer pins Jake to the ground, prodding his barrel into Jake's back. Disher handcuffs Jake and takes him away]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Good luck.
[after Disher leaves with his prisoner, Stottlemeyer looks around the house for a few minutes in disbelief at Jake's handiwork]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?
Adrian Monk: I never should have bought this house. I should have waited for something better to come along.
[pause]
Adrian Monk: Like death.

[Monk has discovered the file on Joseph Moody]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His private nurse found him yesterday. The guy was 89 years old. He fell down a flight of stairs.
Adrian Monk: Stairs, huh? Sounds suspicious.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's suspicious?
Adrian Monk: Are you kidding? Nine decades, perfect health, the guy just sits up and dies? I think we should check it out.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you really that bored?
Adrian Monk: Yes. I am.

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Cassie Drake's house to check out Monk's suspicions on Joseph Mood, as Monk complains about the messiness of "Honest" Jake's repairs]
Adrian Monk: You should've warned me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did.
Adrian Monk: Well, why didn't you tie me down and shoot me in the leg? What's the good of having a gun if you don't shoot your friend in the leg when he's about to buy an old house?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Next time I will. I promise.
[They come up to the door. Stottlemeyer knocks on the door. With no response, he knocks a Morse code message, presumably in Morse code. He and Disher exchange laughs. Randy in turn taps another message back to Stottlemeyer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey did you ever hear about the...?
[taps another message back to Randy. They burst out laughing]
Natalie Teeger: That's not the way I heard it. My husband was in the Navy. Remember?
[Stottlemeyer knocks on the door with a different code]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Miss Drake!
[He pulls on the door, which is unlocked. Cautiously and fearing something bad, he pulls open the door. They see the stabbed body of Cassie Drake on the floor]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!
[Stottlemeyer and Disher head inside while Monk and Natalie stay back]
Lt. Randall Disher: Stay there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Phone it in!
[Cuts to a police officer stretching crime scene tape across the patio as the medical examiner's van comes to a stop by the police cars. Inside the house, CSI techs take photos of the body as Monk and Natalie stand by]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still no murder weapon. Doc says knitting needle. So what do you think? He was tossing the place when she walked in on him?
Adrian Monk: I-I don't think so. Look at the drawers. They were pulled out and flipped over, but everything's just piled up. He didn't really rifle through them. He was here for her.
[Disher comes out of another room carrying a bag]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain. I, uh, found this in her closet.
[holds the bag up]
Lt. Randall Disher: $4,000 grand, all $20s and $50s.
Natalie Teeger: Gee, I should've gone to nursing school.
[Monk examines the bills closely]
Adrian Monk: 1967, 1966.
[pause]
Adrian Monk: These are 40 years old. Some of the serial numbers are sequential.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll call Treasury. Maybe they can trace it. Wanna come with?
Adrian Monk: Nah, I should probably go home, assuming it's still there.

[Monk has moved into Joseph Moody's house and is showing Natalie around. Natalie moves her hand along the stair wall]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I love all the woodwork.
Adrian Monk: Hey, don't touch that.
Natalie Teeger: What, wet paint?
Adrian Monk: No, just don't touch it.

[Honest Jake meets Monk in a hardware store, and hands Monk his business card]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Who are you gonna call?
[pause]
'Honest' Jake Phillips: Who you gonna call?
Adrian Monk: Honest Jake.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever (#3.12)" (2005)
Adrian Monk: I happen to believe all men are brothers. Every man's... bent antenna... diminishes me.
Natalie Teeger: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.

Adrian Monk: She's been buying ice all day. That makes sixteen bags she's carried in so far.
Natalie: Maybe she's having a party.
Adrian Monk: No food, no beer, no chips. Just ice.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, are you absolutely sure about this? And don't give me any of that 95 percent crap!
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am 100 percent sure that she *probably* killed him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
Adrian Monk: [waits a moment] 95 percent.

Adrian Monk: [after accidentally touching the ground] Nature! I've got Nature on my hand! Get it off!

[about the fact that people always seem to get murdered wherever Monk goes]
Natalie Teeger: You're the Prince of Darkness.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, he's not the Prince of Darkness. I've seen him vacuuming the ceiling. You wouldn't see the Prince of Darkness doing that.
Natalie Teeger: No, I can picture the Prince of Darkness vacuuming the ceiling, to trick us. He's very tricky.
Adrian Monk: Stop calling me the Prince of Darkness! That's how rumors get started.

[Monk, Natalie, and Stottlemeyer are wandering through the woods after their car broke down]
Adrian Monk: We're lost, aren't we? Tell me, I can take it.
Natalie Teeger: We're...
[she glances at Stottlemeyer, who mouths, "NO!"]
Natalie Teeger: ...not lost.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!

[at night, during a thunderstorm, when their van has gotten stuck on the road, and Stottlemeyer has just blown out a single candle on the smushed remains of his birthday cake]
Adrian Monk: Did you make a wish?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, I did.
Adrian Monk: ...Did it involve me?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, it did.

Adrian Monk, Disher: [together] Oh, my God! I've got it! Here's what happened...

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [while waiting for Kathy Willowby to pick up the phone] It's ringing.
Natalie Teeger: But Agent Grooms said "no calls."
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms can kiss...
Kathy Willowby: [picks up the phone] Hello?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello. Mrs. Willowby.
Kathy Willowby: Yes?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Uh, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. We're having a big high school reunion.
Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, well, okay. I'll call back later!
Kathy Willowby: You do that.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much.
[hangs up]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: She says he's fishing on the lake.
Adrian Monk: She killed him.
Natalie Teeger: You have got to be kidding me. Can't I take you *anywhere*?


"Monk: Mr. Monk Is on the Run: Part II (#6.16)" (2008)
Adrian Monk: Hey, thanks... Thanks for killing me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.

[as Monk taunts him about the loss of all his special privileges]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Are you having fun?
Adrian Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.

[Natalie tracks Monk to the car wash where he is hiding]
Adrian Monk: [trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I know it's you.
[she takes out a wipe and runs toward him]
Adrian Monk: What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?
[she hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down]

Adrian Monk: Hello, Dale.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Adrian Monk. Why am I not surprised?
Adrian Monk: I tried to call, but apparently your phone's been disconnected.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Yes, I should have done it years ago! Fewer distractions.
Adrian Monk: I see they took your bed, and your computer.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: They were cluttering up the room. You know me, Monk: I've always been a simple man of philosophic joys.

Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourado found some old letters in Frank Nunn's apartment. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: You have a name!
Adrian Monk: Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Can't? Or won't?

Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.
Adrian Monk: The important thing is, that you're off the street.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: [laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold *me*?
Adrian Monk: [taps one with his shoe. It doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong.

[last lines]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, *another* billion dollars!
[Monk and Natalie walk away]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: You hear me? Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes, you are.

Natalie Teeger: Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
Adrian Monk: To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins...?
Sheriff John Rollins: [appears] Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Ms. Teeger. Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy.
Natalie Teeger: You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels!
[Monk shushes her]
Natalie Teeger: If anybody is going to prison, it is you!
Adrian Monk: [dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.
Sheriff John Rollins: Let me tell you about the *real* world, Natalie. It's never about what happened, it's always, can you *prove* what happened?

Sheriff John Rollins: All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.
[Monk starts to lie down, then yells and kicks an oil drum at Rollins. It rolls, *very* slowly, before coming to a stop a few inches short of Rollins's feet]
Sheriff John Rollins: ...What was that?
Adrian Monk: It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger (#1.7)" (2002)
Sharona Fleming: [about Sydney Teal] Not exactly Batman.
Adrian Monk: This guy, he was... What's the opposite of Batman?
Sharona Fleming: You are.

Sharona Fleming: I can't believe you folded like a cheap suit!
Adrian Monk: Tent. For the record, I folded like a cheap tent.

Sharona Fleming: Where's your wallet?
Adrian Monk: I'm having it... you know, buffed.

Dr. Charles Kroger: A drive-by shooting? Do they have any leads?
Adrian Monk: Nothing on the bullets. They found the car a few blocks away. Stolen. A hundred percent clean. No prints.
Dr. Charles Kroger: You know, you, you, you don't seem very upset.
Adrian Monk: Well, it means I'm making someone very uneasy, and that's not such a bad thing.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Well, Sh-Sharona must have been terrified.
Adrian Monk: She quit. We had an argument about money. She took a job at a lamp store at Prospect Street. She'd rather sell lamps than work for me. Let me ask you something. Two weeks ago, she bought me this mug, it said "World's Greatest Boss". Are you allowed to do that-buy someone a mug and then just quit?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Well see, I-I don't think mugs are legally binding, Adrian.
[Monk chuckles]
Adrian Monk: I never had to think about money. Trudy used to pay all the bills.
Dr. Charles Kroger: While we're on that subject, there-there is something that I have to say.
Adrian Monk: Oh? Now, you see, this can't be good.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Well, no. The-the-the-the-fact is that, um, you see, I haven't been paid for the past nine weeks, nine sessions. Now, that's a lot of money.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. You're gonna leave me too.
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, no, no. I did not say that, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna be all alone. What a time to be me.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I promise you. No one is leaving you.
Adrian Monk: Sharona did.
[Monk gasps for air]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Are-are-are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I hate owing you money. I just-I just hate it. Listen, until-until we get squared away, I'm gonna have to start seeing you twice a week.

Willis: It's funny, you know. Mr. Teal had it all - more money than God, a beautiful wife - but he was the loneliest man on the planet. I was the chauffeur, and *I* felt sorry for him.
Sharona Fleming: Feeling sorry for your boss? I can't imagine what that must feel like...
Adrian Monk: Get in the car!

Adrian Monk: Captain! I see the circus is in town.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, yes. It's gonna get a lot worse.
Sharona Fleming: Captain, Adrian wants to talk to you about our fee.
[Monk looks at Archie Modine, the shooter]
Adrian Monk: That the shooter?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Archie Modine. He's an ex-cop. He was second lieutenant in Palo Alto. I already checked him out. He was a straight up good cop. Now he's the head of security at CK Pharmaceuticals.
Sharona Fleming: Uh, Captain. About our fee, we want...
Adrian Monk: Sharona.
Sharona Fleming: We want to talk.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, please.
[to Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: Walk me through it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it's pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece, .38 caliber. I already called. He's licensed.
[pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bang. Bang. Bang. Three in the chest.
Adrian Monk: So I have just one question: What am I doing here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here comes the punch line: our perp... is Sidney Teal.
Sharona Fleming: The computer guy?
Adrian Monk: Get out of town.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take a look.
[lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's what $5 billion looks like.
Adrian Monk: Get out of town. What in God's name was he doing?
[Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I wouldn't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.
Adrian Monk: Well...
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, could you give me a second here?
[Sharona walks away]
Adrian Monk: You know, this is insane.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out.
[He uncovers Teal's leg]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This guy's wearin' knee pads.
Adrian Monk: Kneepads?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he's got elbowpads.

Sharona Fleming: Why did you ask her about the glasses?
Adrian Monk: So, I could tell which photographs were the most recent. There are about 200 pictures in that room. They documented everything.
Sharona Fleming: And?
Adrian Monk: No bungee jumping. No skydiving. The most exciting thing Sidney Teal's done in the last two years is go to Disneyland.
Sharona Fleming: Not exactly Batman.
Adrian Monk: This guy? He was-What's the opposite of Batman?
Sharona Fleming: You are.

Sharona Fleming: [cranky and tired of shopping for an exact replacement for Monk's recently broken lamp] Adrian, what about this one? This is great.
Adrian Monk: It's not silver. The other one was silver.
Sharona Fleming: It's just a lamp. If you were blindfolded, you wouldn't know the difference.
Adrian Monk: If I was blindfolded, why would I need a lamp?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend (#6.4)" (2007)
Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?
Natalie Teeger: [dumbstruck] What? No!
Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco might have killed her partner.
Lt. Randall Disher: Can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Am I in love with you?

Natalie Teeger: Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
Lt. Randall Disher: There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?
Lt. Randall Disher: My crazy theories. Like what?
Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco on a jetpack?
Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.

Adrian Monk: [pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers because the blinds are crooked] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.
Helen Hubbert: Who is that?
Adrian Monk: I'm with the F.B.I.
[pause]
Adrian Monk: in Washington DC, watching you on my computer
[pause]
Adrian Monk: screen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...
Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...he is not a federal agent.
Adrian Monk: Yes... he, I am.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!
Adrian Monk: Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
Helen Hubbert: How, how?
Adrian Monk: How? We're the FBI, that's how!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!
Adrian Monk: And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse. He can see your wad of singles!
[looks towards Monk and Natalie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man!
[takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you think of that?
Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life, but Linda Fusco will still be guilty.
[Monk and Natalie walk away]

Adrian Monk: [about Natalie's motorcycle] Where did you get that?
Natalie Teeger: From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.
Adrian Monk: What kind of favor?
Natalie Teeger: Do you really want to know?
Adrian Monk: No.

Adrian Monk: [looking at his stopwatch] Ready, and GO!
[Natalie steps on the pedals of her motorcycle, and Monk, who isn't hanging on to her, goes flying and sprawls on the grass]
Natalie Teeger: Are you all right?
Adrian Monk: [getting to his feet] Wipes.

Natalie Teeger: We have some great news. We think we know who killed Sean Corcoran.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's great! That was fast!
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
[in a tone that generally means "very bad news"]
Adrian Monk: This individual has a motive, owns a shotgun, and had access to the house.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's pick him up. What's his name?
[Monk and Natalie look at each other, and try to think for a few seconds, trying to get enough bravery to answer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the suspect has a name, right?
Adrian Monk: [eventually finishes thinking] Linda. Linda Fusco.
[Stottlemeyer cracks at this, not understanding Monk's seriousness about the matter]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's hillarious. You got me right there.
[He starts to get into his car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: See you guys mañana.
Natalie Teeger: Captain. He's *not* joking. He never jokes.

Adrian Monk: She's the guy.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Eh... what?... Because Helen Hubbert does not have an alibi it means it couldn't be her?
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Her not having a alibi clears her?
Adrian Monk: That's right. It's the best alibi of all.


"Monk: Mr. Monk's Favorite Show (#8.1)" (2009)
Adrian Monk: [arguing with Natalie about who is first in line while waiting at a bookstore for Christine Rapp] Please!
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: Please! I'm saying please.
Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry, Mr. Monk, I'm not moving.
Adrian Monk: It's humiliating. Look at me, I'm last in line.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there are two of us, and you're second.
Adrian Monk: Out of two. Second out of two. We call that last.

Kim Kelly: She needs a bodyguard.
Adrian Monk: Bodyguard, right.
Kim Kelly: Someone we can trust. I know you're busy...
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'll do it.
Kim Kelly: Okay. A thousand dollars a week, is that fair?
Adrian Monk: Ummm. Okay, it's a deal. I can't pay it all at once.
Kim Kelly: No, we would pay you.
Adrian Monk: Oh, even better.

Adrian Monk: [looking at a ceiling contraption in Christine Rapp's bedroom] A mirror? Oh, very good. Excellent precaution. I see, so that if you're lying in bed and someone breaks in through that door... you have the... triangul... or... I don't get it.
Christine Rapp: It's more of a personal thing. You know, you should really read my book.

[Stottlemeyer is questioning Stephen Dorn about some things he said regarding Christine Rapp]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Her former costar, Stephen Dorn, declared 'Christine Rapp is dead to me.'"
Stephen Dorn: That is a figure of speech.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp. Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck."
Adrian Monk: Did you say that? Why would you say that?
Stephen Dorn: Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.

Natalie Teeger: Don't be mad. I know how you hate surprises. So I'm just going to warn you, I'm going to be surprising you.
Adrian Monk: Wait, when?
Natalie Teeger: In about 10 seconds. This is sort of a heads up, a sort of alert.
Adrian Monk: Wait! You can't just burst in here and say "Surprise alert." You have to give me a little warning.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, okay, sorry. This is the surprise alert warning. "This is a surprise alert!" Now... surprise!
[brings in Cooper Clan DVDs]

Natalie Teeger: [knocking on the door of Victor Timlinson's apartment] Hello, Mr. Timlinson! I don't think he's home.
Adrian Monk: Probably not. He's single and he's dead.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, yeah.

Natalie Teeger: Forget about Christine Rapp and her stupid, stupid book. Everybody in Hollywood's crazy, and if we think about that stuff, nobody would go to the movies.
Adrian Monk: I don't go to the movies.
Natalie Teeger: Or watch TV.
Adrian Monk: I don't watch TV.
Natalie Teeger: You get my point.

Adrian Monk: They were the only family I have. Now I got nothing.
Natalie Teeger: That's not true, Mr. Monk. You got me. And you have Julie, and you have Randy and the Captain. We're your family.
Adrian Monk: Ehh, it's not the same.
Natalie Teeger: Sure it is.
Adrian Monk: You don't say funny things.
Natalie Teeger: Sure we do.
Adrian Monk: Say something funny.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I can't just say funny off the top of my head.
Adrian Monk: Cathy Cooper could.
Natalie Teeger: Well, she had writers. Okay, wait wait. I got one. "Knock knock."
Adrian Monk: That's not funny.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding (#4.7)" (2005)
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
[We see a view of the "stripper" and the wad of bills]
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.

Adrian Monk: [Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album] She was... wow.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.

[looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lt. Bristo: So far he's John Doe. No ID. We figure his wallet's still in the mud bath.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found on the floor of the car.
Natalie Teeger: Is he the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Adrian Monk: Captain... he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
Lt. Bristo: How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: [points] The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers.
[Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
Lt. Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team.

Nephew: [yells] Stop it! He keeps touching my food!
Adrian Monk: No, I wasn't. He just, he seemed a little confused. He's fine now.

[Natalie notices Stottlemeyer taking photos]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the crime tech guys.
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Because Randy says he might be able to identify the driver.
Adrian Monk: Did he get a good look at him?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Male Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figure I might develop these tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.
Natalie Teeger: You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we file everybody upstairs one at a time.
[changes the subject]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Smile!
[Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a picture of them]

[Randy has been hit by a car]
Natalie Teeger: How's he doing?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: A broken arm. A broken leg. Probably a couple of broken ribs. The suitcase took much of the blow, it could have been a lot worse.
Natalie Teeger: Can he identify the driver?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He can't even identify me. I'll try again later.
[to Monk]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What have you got?
Adrian Monk: [points to a spot on the ground] Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What, he was waiting for him?
Adrian Monk: From the tire tracks right there, he must have peeled out at full speed.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What so he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn? Son-of-a-bitch! What happened? He was only here for an hour. Did he piss somebody off?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Blow out the candles, Lieutenant.
[after a few moments, Randy blows out the candle on his birthday cake, and the "spittle shield" on the cake bursts into flames. Randy makes a futile attempt to use paper to put out the fire, causing much a show, until Stottlemeyer puts it out with a fire extinguisher. The cake is now completely ruined. Monk comes over to Randy and says]
Adrian Monk: Hey, happy birthday.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You know I might think about reconsidering that investment.

[Stottlemeyer is showing photos of the wedding guests to Randy]
Lt. Randall Disher: No... no...
Adrian Monk: Do you have one of Theresa?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bride? Sure.
[flips through the photos]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh... uh... well, there's the side of her head. That's weird, I don't have a good shot of her.
[Monk looks up. They share a look, then Stottlemeyer nudges Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, could it have been a woman?
Lt. Randall Disher: [woozy] I don't know... I guess so.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Three Julies (#6.13)" (2008)
Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
Adrian Monk: The doctors say no, it was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.

Police Dispatcher: [over radio] All units, be advised, possible 187, name Julie Teeger, repeat, possible 187.
Natalie Teeger: [panicked] The victim's name! Repeat the victim's name!
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what's a 187?
Adrian Monk: Uh...
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what's a 187?
Adrian Monk: Homicide.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God!
[she grabs Stottlemeyer's car keys]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, wait! Just wait for the Captain!
[Natalie does not listen. She jumps into Stottlemeyer's car, and speeds away]

Adrian Monk: [after Disher turns up a promising lead] What about your other idea? You said you had two.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [looks at the DVD in Disher's hand] "The Terminator"? You think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [imitating Schwarzenegger] Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live.
Lt. Randall Disher: That was T-2.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town.
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I have that back, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [still imitating] And things of this nature...

[the trio pull up to a suspect's decrepit house, in Stottlemeyer's banged-up car]
Lt. Randall Disher: What a dump.
Adrian Monk: But you can tell it used to be beautiful. How could something like this happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, maybe Natalie drove it someplace.

Lt. Randall Disher: He's never gonna buy this.
Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The important thing is, that we keep him talking.
Lt. Randall Disher: What if he has a knife?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No it has to be covert, sound conversational.
Adrian Monk: How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."

[Monk walks upstairs to Mrs. Teeger's bedroom, and sees her sitting in a rocking chair with her back to him]
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Teeger? Julia? Don't be afraid. I'm with the police, ma'am. We think young Matthew may be involved in some things. Do you know where he is, ma'am? We just want to talk to him.
[No answer]
Adrian Monk: I... excuse me? Are-are you okay?
[He looks again, and sees the chair is rocking because of a breeze from the open window]
Adrian Monk: Are... are you dead?
[He picks up a hairbrush with a tissue and edges forward]
Adrian Monk: Please be alive... please be alive... please be alive... please don't be one of those skeleton ladies...
[He nudges the chair with the hairbrush. Mrs. Teeger pitches forward, and a glass eyeball plops to the floor]
Adrian Monk: Please be dead! Please be dead!

[Monk having an apointment with Dr. Kroger after discovering the stuffed dead body of the old Mrs. Teeger]
Adrian Monk: I just wanna thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
Dr. Charles Kroger: [sitting in his PJ] No! No, no, happy to do it.
Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
Adrian Monk: Does she have tourette syndrome?
Dr. Charles Kroger: [thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does.

Natalie Teeger: [on her cell phone, trying to call Julie. She leaves a message] It's me again. Please, I need to hear your voice. Call me when you get this.
[Natalie hangs up and she starts walking away]
Police Dispatcher: [on a uniformed cop's radio] Tentative ID on the victim is Julie Teeger.
[Natalie stops, and listens carefully]
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, could you repeat the name of the victim?
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. That's "T" for "Thomas." Teeger.
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, this has got to be a mix up. We're already at the Teeger scene, on Bow Street.
Police Dispatcher: I don't know what to tell you, buddy. I'm looking at her ID right now. The picture matches. It's definitely her.
[Natalie, who is standing just a few feet away, runs over to Stottlemeyer's car. She is getting in just as Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are finishing up inside and are coming out of the house]
Adrian Monk: [noticing Natalie in the car] Natalie? Natalie!
[She starts to speed off]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell is her problem?


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater (#2.6)" (2003)
Speed-dater woman: I like your eyes.
Adrian Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.

Benjy Fleming: Are you going to do any more acting, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Anything's possible, Benjy... except for that.

Sharona Fleming: Gail's in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Adrian Monk: I hope it's the guy who designed these seats.

Sharona Fleming: How was the dating?
Adrian Monk: It was hell. Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona Fleming: But you are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah.

Adrian Monk: Speed dating? No, no, that's like Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell.

Director's Assistant: [astounded] You memorized the play in one viewing?
Adrian Monk: I'm really sorry.

[Sharona's mother rings the doorbell. Sharona panics]
Sharona Fleming: Listen, I may have told her a couple things that weren't exactly true.
Adrian Monk: Like what?
Sharona Fleming: Like, Benjy's on the honor roll.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Okay, no problem.
Sharona Fleming: Thanks.
[She turns to the door, but turns back]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, and my rent's only $900 a month.
Adrian Monk: Right.
Sharona Fleming: And Ronnie? I broke up with him, not the other way around. I'm seeing a new guy now, he's a stockbroker, but he's out of town for six weeks... and-and you have full medical, and a dental plan.
[She starts to open the door, but stops]
Sharona Fleming: And... I'm not your assistant. I'm your partner. Is that all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah... wow! Congratulations.
Sharona Fleming: Thanks.

Adrian Monk: What if my character expresses his rage by putting away the groceries - roughly?


"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale (#1.4)" (2002)
Sharona Fleming: Don't you ever wonder why you don't get invited anywhere?
Adrian Monk: No, not really...

Sharona Fleming: Do you know who asked me out? I'll give you a hint. He's a doctor.
Adrian Monk: Kevorkian?
Sharona Fleming: Very funny.

Biederbeck: Where were we? Bread and butter.
Adrian Monk: [shocked] What?
Biederbeck: "Bread and butter." Those were Trudy's last words, weren't they? The transcript of the coroner's inquest is a matter of public record. The Internet, Monk; it's the fat man's best friend. It's been troubling me for years. What could she have meant? "Bread and butter."
Adrian Monk: Go to hell.
Biederbeck: [laughing] No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap-accessible.

Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene in a house that's been ransacked] I don't feel so good.
[groans]
Adrian Monk: It's like a Feng Shui nightmare in here!

Adrian Monk: [Monk receives a phone call at Sharona's house] Hello?
Biederbeck: Bread and butter. Bread and butter. It's been driving me crazy. What could she have possibly meant? Bread and butter. I figure it was a message. A secret message, just for you.
Adrian Monk: What can I do for you, Dale?
Biederbeck: Well, I'm a little worried about Sharona. She sort of fell apart on us last night. I'm really not sure if we can count on her, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: You have other things to worry about.
Biederbeck: You can't scare me. Don't even try. You're meek. Meeky meek meek.

Biederbeck: There's not a prison in the country that can hold me!
Adrian Monk: There are very few shopping malls that can hold you. But nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.
Biederbeck: [enraged] YOU...! YOU...!
[reaches out in an attempt to strangle Monk]
Sharona Fleming: What's he doing?
Adrian Monk: [leaning in closer to Dale, staying just out of reach] I think he's trying to kill me.
[Dale finally gives up, flopping back on the bed in exhaustion]
Adrian Monk: Wasn't really much of a fight, was it?

Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my buisiness, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: [smiling] I doubt it.
Sharona Fleming: What did Trudy mean by 'bread and butter?'
Adrian Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say 'bread and butter'.
Sharona Fleming: So when she died...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."

Adrian Monk: I know Biederbeck; you don't. He's dangerous. This man is capable of anything.
Sharona Fleming: He weighs eight hundred and four pounds. What is he going to do, break wind on me?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger (#1.12)" (2002)
Adrian Monk: [Monk just walked onto Willie Nelson's bus] Do you smell something?
Willie Nelson: No, I don't... and you don't either.

Sharona Fleming: Ow. Why do I always have to be the victim?
Adrian Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in the dirt. And... I'm me.

Adrian Monk: Captain, uh, I wouldn't tell that story about your accident to too many people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why not?
Adrian Monk: Well, the hills north of Highway 18 have been closed for two weeks due to brush fires.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really?
Adrian Monk: What really happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was cleaning my gutters and slipped. Fell off the ladder.
Adrian Monk: Oh.

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Close the door.
[Randy closes the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene.
[Randy presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there.
[Monk pretends playing the clarinet]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you doing?
[Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really?
Sharona Fleming: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead.
[Randy presses play on the tape. We see Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway on the tape]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley.
[Sonny Cross passes by the camera]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fast-forward. And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross.
[Willie Nelson comes running into the alleyway on the tape]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Sharona Fleming: Are you gonna arrest him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow.
[turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Adrian Monk: Captain, what about the note on the door?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Lt. Randall Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B", Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think it's "C".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "C"? What the hell is "C"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know yet.

Cashier: So, you wanna know about Sonny Cross, hmm?
[shows a record]
Cashier: Well, he managed these guys for a while back in '87 till they fired him.
Sharona Fleming: Why?
Cashier: Same reason these guys fired him in '82.
[shows them another label]
Cashier: He was humping the lead singer's wife. That cat had nine lives. Oh, he, uh, he managed these guys for a while as well.
Adrian Monk: They fired him?
Cashier: Didn't have a choice. Hard to handle them from the Florida State Penitentiary. Did, uh, two years, I think. Drinking and driving. Apparently, he killed a guy. And now he's been immortalized as the man Willie Nelson shot. Mmm.
Adrian Monk: You missed one.
Cashier: I didn't-oh, you're right.
Sharona Fleming: Are you two related?
Adrian Monk, Cashier: Why would you say that?

Processing guard: [SPOILER]
[a processing guard releases the streaker from jail]
Processing guard: Lady Godiva, it's your lucky day. Somebody made your bail. Lucky.
[the next day, Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in the park, watching Wendy Maas]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's she doing here?
Adrian Monk: I-I asked her to meet me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, do you mind telling me why?
Adrian Monk: You'll see. Just wait.
[the streaker is about to jog by. Stottlemeyer spots him and is visibly angered to find that he's been released]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sone of a bitch. He's back. Lieutenant, call the 23rd. Get a black and white down here ASAP.
Adrian Monk: Captain, not so fast.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I bailed him out last night, and I hired him.
Lt. Randall Disher: You hired the streaker? To do what?
[Ms. Mass turns to look at the streaker as he passes by her]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch.
[Ms. Maas chuckles as the streaker run away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She can see.
Lt. Randall Disher: She can see?
Adrian Monk: She can see.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch.

Lt. Randall Disher: Say hello to Sonny Cross. We found this on the front door.
[Shows the note "J. Cross - Use Side Door" from the front door]
Lt. Randall Disher: To lure him into the alley.
Sharona Fleming: What does the "J" stand for?
Lt. Randall Disher: His legal name was Jason Cross. Look at this.
[he uncovers the sheet covering the body]
Lt. Randall Disher: Shot one, through the collarbone. Shot two, straight in the back while he was running away. We have a witness, Monk, who heard Willie Nelson and Cross arguing just before the shots were fired. We found the gun over there behind the Dumpster. It's a Webley, a Mark I, .38-caliber. No prints.
Adrian Monk: An old Webley?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes. We can rule out a mugging.
[Monk puts his left arm forward then outstretches both of his arms and flaps them like a bird]
Lt. Randall Disher: What's he doing?
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: The bullet hole in the jacket lines up with the entry wound.
Lt. Randall Disher: So?
Adrian Monk: Well, you said they were arguing, but if he was animated, if his hands were up or he was gesturing, then the holes wouldn't match up. No, this man had his hands down at his sides. And he-he wasn't frightened either. He-you say there was an eyewitness?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, not exactly an eyewitness.
[points at Wendy Maas]
Lt. Randall Disher: Her name's Wendy Mass. She's been blind since she was 16. She lives in one of those assisted living places up on Mountain View.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. I know her. I've seen her in the park.
Adrian Monk: That's your witness?
Lt. Randall Disher: She said she heard the whole thing.

[Randy takes Mrs. Mass's statement]
Lt. Randall Disher: Now, Mrs. Mass, you said you were taking the bus.
Wendy Maas: That's right, I was visiting a friend, and-and I missed my stop. I never like to admit it, but it happens. So I got off, and I started to walk. Then I turned down that alley, thinking that I could cut through to 4th Avenue, but it was blocked off.
[Monk starts to obsess over the unevenly sharpened pencils]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, the alley was a dead...
Sharona Fleming: Oh, yeah. There was construction. Uh-huh. It's a dead-end.
Wendy Maas: Dead end. Exactly. So, I started to turn around, and then I heard these two men arguing.
Adrian Monk: Uh, about what?
Wendy Maas: I couldn't tell.
[Monk goes over to the pencil holder and starts to sharpen the three pencils so that they are all sharpened to the same length]
Wendy Maas: They were very angry. And then I heard these two shots-Bang. Bang. Well, my heart was pounding and I couldn't move. Then this one man came up to me and he said- "Tell anybody about this and I'll kill you."
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
[Stottlemeyer arrives with his right arm in a sling]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How's it going?
Lt. Randall Disher: Miss Mass, this is Captain Stottlemeyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mrs. Mass, how do you do?
[She gently shakes his left hand]
Lt. Randall Disher: He'll be in charge of the case from here on in, thank God.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good job, Lieutenant.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man (#2.5)" (2003)
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk, you're a freak of nature.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

[Monk jumps onto a table to avoid a snake]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, *death*, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay, I don't need the entire list.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: First thing tomorrow, I am calling the Vatican, and I am nominating your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are *impossible*!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all... diagonal! I have to live here!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forget about the rug! This is not about the rug! You know what you are? Do you know what you are? You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!

Adrian Monk: What time are you going to be home?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: I said, what time are you going to be home?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. Why?
Adrian Monk: Well, I was thinking of making a pot roast for dinner. But I need at least an hour's warning.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Monk, I'll call you.
Adrian Monk: Don't forget.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I won't forget.
Adrian Monk: That's what you said last night.
[Sharona and Randy snicker]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shut up.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Know where I was today? I was at the Leveroni grave site. You remember that case?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think so... it was a hit-and-run, wasn't it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Valedictorian, 19 years old, killed two blocks from his house. I always thought somebody would come forward.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, me too.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I mean, how can you live with yourself? You gotta tell someone.
Adrian Monk: The urge to confess...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the cop's best friend.

[after the time capsule is opened]
Adrian Monk: Captain, I think you should read this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reading] "On December 7, 1998, I killed Darren Leveroni with my car. May God forgive me, because I will never forgive myself. Signed, Dennis Gammill."
[breathing heavily]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The urge to confess...
Adrian Monk: It's the cop's best friend.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Panic Room (#3.2)" (2004)
Benjy Fleming: They were giving him a wedgie.
Adrian Monk: What's a wedgie?
Benjy Fleming: It's when they pull your underwear up all the way out of your pants.
Adrian Monk: Oh, they called it something different when I was your age.
Benjy Fleming: What did they call it?
Adrian Monk: An "Adrian."

Dr. Charles Kroger: [Dr. Kroger is making a house call because a chimp is loose in Monk's apartment] I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine... these things happen, what can you do?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all material objects. You can replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or pees on.
Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on... chews or pees on...

Adrian Monk: Sharona, he was just standing up for a friend.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father.
Adrian Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
[rips off Benjy's Band-Aid for the umpteenth time]
Benjy Fleming: OW! Mom! Stop it!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They call it a "panic room." I know that's a difficult concept because, for you, every room is a panic room.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

[Monk accidentally hits the "Close" button on the panic room]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God! Help! Somebody!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk...
Adrian Monk: Trapped in here...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not trapped.
Adrian Monk: Trapped in here! Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, just push this button here on the wall.
Adrian Monk: Oh my God, it's soundproof... can you hear me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I can hear you.
Adrian Monk: Trapped in here!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I can hear you, I can *see* you, there's a hole in the door! Monk!
Adrian Monk: Running out of air...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, you're not running out of air, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Running out of air, I can't breathe!
[gasping]
Adrian Monk: Can't breathe!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk! Monk, look at me! Push the button.
Adrian Monk: [rasping] No more talking... no more talking, I have to conserve oxygen...
[bangs on the door, yelling through the hole in it]
Adrian Monk: Help me! Gotta conserve air...

Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, can I run a theory by you?
Adrian Monk: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: What if Ian Blackburn trained the chimpanzee to shoot him in the panic room?
Adrian Monk: Why would he do that?
Lt. Randall Disher: So his wife could collect the insurance. Thus, suicide by monkey.
Sharona Fleming: Thus, theory by monkey.
Adrian Monk: Randy, Ian Blackburn had a $100,000 life insurance policy. Chloe is worth, what, $20 million? It doesn't seem worth it.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They call it a "panic room." I know that's a difficult concept for you, because for you, every room is a panic room.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect (#2.7)" (2003)
Adrian Monk: [Dr Kroger is going on vacation for 3 weeks] Why didn't you tell me?
Dr. Charles Kroger: I did. I told you every week for the past month, but I guess you just, um, blocked it out.
Adrian Monk: Is that possible?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Apparently.
Adrian Monk: I guess I did... I blocked it out. No problem, we'll talk about it on Thursday.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known fifteen thousand criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!
Adrian Monk: Nonetheless.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, give me something else, any theory at all besides the coma guy. If-if you were to tell me that Howdy Doody was behind this, it would make more sense.
Adrian Monk: [yelling] Howdy Doody? Why would Howdy Doody be sending people mail bombs? Wasn't he a puppet?

[Monk and Sharona narrowly survived a bomb blast]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, they pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights three days ago.
Lt. Randall Disher: Different post office, same type of explosive.
Adrian Monk: [yelling] Well, don't use that bathroom, it's a mess!
Sharona Fleming: You don't have to shout!
Adrian Monk: [still yelling] Why are you whispering?

Agent Grooms: Captain? D.A. won't hold Ricky Babbage, I was hoping this might change your mind?
[no answer]
Agent Grooms: Oh, you can't be serious. You still think Rip van Winkle's behind this?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We believe Brian Babbage is involved, yes. We just don't know how.
Agent Grooms: And by "we", you mean you and your "consultant"?
[They both look at Monk]
Adrian Monk: [yelling] Yeah, I'm pretty sure Howdy Doody was a puppet!

[to use a vacuum cleaner, Monk mistakenly unplugs Brian's respirator. When the alarms go off, Monk hurriedly plugs it back in]
Adrian Monk: Okay, Brian, come back... Brian? Come back!
[starts applying CPR]
Adrian Monk: Okay, come on, you and me... you and me... you and me, all the way.
[Nurse Stempel comes in and sees Monk on top of Brian]
Adrian Monk: Almost... almost... almost!
[the alarms stop]
Adrian Monk: That's got it! That's got it...
[turns and sees her]
Adrian Monk: He's... he's good. I mean... he's great. I mean... he's, he's fine now.

[Sharona is holding a time bomb]
Sharona Fleming: What is that?
Adrian Monk: Light turned green.
Ricky Babbage: [on the phone with the bomb squad] Light turned green... he says you have ten seconds, cut one of the wires!
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Ricky Babbage: Either one, it doesn't matter!
Sharona Fleming: Oh, God...
Adrian Monk: Blue... no, no, red...
Sharona Fleming: Cut one, cut the blue one!
Ricky Babbage: Five seconds!
Adrian Monk: Why blue?
Sharona Fleming: Oh, well cut the red one!
Adrian Monk: You said blue!
Ricky Babbage: Three seconds!
Sharona Fleming: [screaming] ADRIAN, CUT ONE!
Adrian Monk: I'LL CUT 'EM BOTH!
[does]


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man (#6.8)" (2007)
Adrian Monk: You should have seen him at that hearing. Staring at me, he hates me. At least we have that in common.

Adrian Monk: [handing Max a box] All right, Max, this is for you... Ah, it's... it's a little something.
Max Barton: Yeah? Fourteen years of my life in there.
Adrian Monk: No, just mostly caramels.
Natalie Teeger: Pretzel.
Adrian Monk: And a chocolate pretzel.

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm kinda of choosey about who I make out with.
Adrian Monk: What? You made out with a leper!
Natalie Teeger: That's different. You sent him to prison, why don't you make out with him?

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I don't think he wants your help.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie Teeger: Well, the "curl up and die" thing was kind of a hint.

Adrian Monk: [after accidentally angering Barton by telling him that his ex-wife might be seeing someone else] I could be wrong, Max, I am not an expert on toilet seats. Did she stand up when she made water? Look, I could be wrong.

Adrian Monk: This is a bad, bad, bad man. Sherry, I made a mistake, and then I compounded the mistake. Don't you make the same mistake, by compounding... my other... mistake... my first...


"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized (#7.8)" (2008)
Adrian Monk: You're all never going to see me again. Ever.
[holds up five-dollar bill]
Adrian Monk: 'Cause I'm going to France.

Adrian Monk: A girl can't beat up a boy. That's scientifically impossible.

Adrian Monk: She's a liar.
[makes farting noises]
Adrian Monk: There is no way she spent three days in that cabin. No way.
Lt. Randall Disher: And why not?
Adrian Monk: There's no TV, so it's impossible. She would've died.

Adrian Monk: Are you over, or under 100?
Doris: I'm fifty-seven.
Adrian Monk: Fifty-seven? Wow, fifty seven... So you're getting pretty up there.
Doris: Well, I wouldn't say that...
Adrian Monk: I would.

Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You should stay in the car.
Adrian Monk: Do I have to?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, no. You're the boss.
Adrian Monk: [gets out of the car] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Natalie Teeger: You want to run around?
Adrian Monk: [sees Stottlemeyer] Ah, there's the Captain! Come on!
[runs over]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [calling out instructions to the search party, looking for Sally Larkin] Terrain's a little rough out there! Try to stay in formation. Eyes forward and down.
Lt. Randall Disher: We're looking for anything unusual! Freshly dug dirt! Signs of a struggle! Articles of clothing!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Any questions?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. What if we win?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] What do we win?
Adrian Monk: If we find the body?
Lt. Randall Disher: You don't win anything.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher, who are a little surprised at what Monk has said, look at each other, unable to find out what he has been up to]

Dr. Lawrence Climan: Leap... and a net will appear.
Adrian Monk: Who's Annette?
Dr. Lawrence Climan: No, a *net* to catch you. You're safe.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Election (#3.15)" (2005)
[while Stottlemeyer and Monk question Harold Krenshaw, Stottlemeyer takes a bite of a coconut donut]
Harold Krenshaw: Now you have to eat a sugar one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't want a sugar one.
Adrian Monk: Then you could take three more coconuts and two chocolate.
Harold Krenshaw: Or two coconuts and two glazed.
Adrian Monk: Or he could just eat all of them. That would be easier.
Harold Krenshaw: That's a good idea.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or, I can do this.
[takes the box, mashes it, then folds it in half, and pokes a hole in the middle]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There. Now there's *one* donut. One big damn donut.

[Monk walks into Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [not looking up from his desk] Don't you ever get tired of being right?
Adrian Monk: I do feel tired. More fatigued, really. I don't know if it's from being right or...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It was a rhetorical question, Monk. We might be on to something here.
[hands Monk a file]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jack Whitman. He's been sent up twice, first time for mail fraud and receiving stolen property. Lately, he's been importing rugs.
[Monk looks up from reading the file]
Adrian Monk: Rugs?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, rugs from places like Chechnya, Uzbekistan. Sound familiar?
Adrian Monk: [with realization] The shell casing and the grenade.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Feds think that he's a major arms dealer. They raided his office six months ago. They came up empty-handed - no guns, no nothing, no paper trail - All they could get him on was tax evasion. He did five months. He just got out last Wednesday.
Adrian Monk: And two days later, he's on a roof taking shots at Natalie.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Then he joins her campaign, and then he tries to take you out?
Adrian Monk: What do you think he's after?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not gonna find out. Let's go get him.
Adrian Monk: I can't go. You're on your own. Natalie's waiting for me downstairs. I have to go vote.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that's good. You're doing your civic duty.
Adrian Monk: There's that. Also, if I don't vote, Natalie will - you know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I know.

[Monk, Natalie, and Randy have barely avoided a grenade explosion. Stottlemeyer talks to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And then he said, you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you?
[Monk shrugs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm going ask the mayor to give you a medal for what you did, and then I'm going to ask the mayor to take that medal back, because you just had to open that door.
Adrian Monk: It's a wash, isn't it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a wash.
Adrian Monk: Captain, that grenade... had Russian markings on it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I know, we found a piece of it. It was made in Chechnya. This guy must be very well connected. Whoever he is, you must be making him nervous.

Adrian Monk: [about Harold Krenshaw] I told you. He will drive you crazy.
Lt. Randall Disher: So is he the guy?
Adrian Monk: No. I wish he was, but he's not the guy. He never would have misspelled Natalie's name on the note.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: Because, even I wouldn't have.

Lt. Randall Disher: Witnesses are all over the map. Some say they heard five shots; some say nine.
Adrian Monk: Fourteen. There were fourteen shots.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you sure? Well, of course you're sure. How did they come? Were they evenly spaced?
[Monk recites the timing]
Adrian Monk: Bang. Bang bang. Bang. Bang bang bang bang bang...
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Rapid fire, semi-automatic.

[Monk is interviewed by a reporter]
Reporter: Why did you decide to volunteer?
Adrian Monk: I'm not a volunteer. I'm her boss.
Reporter: Ah. That's an interesting angle. Not every boss would allow his employee time off to run for office.
Adrian Monk: I didn't have a choice. She just said that she was doing it.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico (#2.2)" (2003)
[Monk is dehydrated]
Adrian Monk: He was a thirsty victim...
Sharona Fleming: Adrian.
Adrian Monk: I mean a perfect victim...

Lt. Plato: You are a brave man, Senior Monk, you are not sweating at all.
Adrian Monk: [rapidly] I'm dehydrated! I'm out of sweat! I want to sweat! I'm trying to sweat!

Adrian Monk: Mexico. I can't - I can't go to Mexico.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Why not?
Adrian Monk: It's not... *here*.

Adrian Monk: That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, in fact.

Adrian Monk: That officer out there told me I was dead. I'm not dead, am I?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Airplane (#1.13)" (2002)
Ticket Clerk: I can assure you, Mr. Monk, this particular aircraft has a perfect safety record.
Adrian Monk: Could I see it?

Warren Beach: Everyone takes extension cords for granted. But, just try and imagine how the world would be without them.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess all the furniture would be a lot closer to the walls.
Warren Beach: Exactly. If it doesn't reach, call Warren Beach.

Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. It's Tim Daly.
Adrian Monk: Who's Tim Daly?
Sharona Fleming: He's an actor - he was in "Wings."
Adrian Monk: Was it any good?
Sharona Fleming: Well, *he* was.

Sharona Fleming: That is Tim Daly I love him!
Adrian Monk: What is he some kind of actor?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah yeah he was on that show Wings!
Adrian Monk: Never saw it, was it good?
Sharona Fleming: Well, he was.

Sharona Fleming: He always thinks people are killing each other.
Adrian Monk: And I'll tell you why. Because they are.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan (#3.1)" (2004)
Warrick Tennyson: [Monk is in the hospital room of one of the men involved in his wife's murder] You were the husband?
Adrian Monk: I *am* the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you?
Adrian Monk: [pause] This is me... turning off your morphine.
[long pause while intense pain hits Tennyson]
Adrian Monk: And this... is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.

Sharona Fleming: That man took a whizz in the subway. *That* man killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: [mumbling] The murderer.

Adrian Monk: [to the murder suspect] You had the hotel key card, so you knew where he was staying. You ran the whole way. You probably didn't even notice that it was starting to rain... you. It was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
[confused, everyone turns to look where Monk is pointing]
Busboy: Me?
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing? He's a busboy!
Adrian Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you, don't-don't try to deny it...!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk...
Adrian Monk: We saw what you...!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

[while the murderer is being arrested, Monk grabs Walter's handcuffs]
Adrian Monk: You're going down, Mr. Pee!

[last lines]
Masul the Cabbie: No, no, no, no! You guys, fine.
[indicating Monk]
Masul the Cabbie: But not him!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, wait, hang on, hang on.
[cuffs Monk's hands behind his back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm handcuffing him, he won't touch anything.
Masul the Cabbie: Double the meter!
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Yeah, let's come back here real soon!
Masul the Cabbie: And no talking!


"Monk: Mr. Monk Falls in Love (#7.6)" (2008)
[upon first seeing Leyla]
Adrian Monk: She's beautiful.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, like Mother Theresa. Only hotter.
Natalie Teeger: Only hotter? You are gonna get struck by lightning.

[after watching a man catch part of their dinner in his hat]
Adrian Monk: I didn't know there was a recipe with the word "hat" in it.

Adrian Monk: Red light, shmed light.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Red light, shmed light? Is that really your argument: Red light, shmed light?

[Below are the translations of what Monk and Natalie are saying when asking a woman in a Zemenian community on where to find Leyla's mother]
Adrian Monk: [in Zemenian] We are looking for the sad stick.
[no reply]
Adrian Monk: Seen the sad stick?
[still no reply]
Adrian Monk: Sad stick?
Natalie Teeger: [in Zemenian] Sad stick!

Adrian Monk: Were there any witnesses?
McKiernan: Randy was there so, no, there weren't any witnesses.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy (#2.8)" (2003)
Noelle Winters: Is your wife here?
Adrian Monk: I'm not married.
Noelle Winters: You're wearing a ring.
Adrian Monk: She passed away. I can't bring myself to take it off yet.
Noelle Winters: Oh, I'm sorry. When did she die?
Adrian Monk: Six years ago.

Adrian Monk: I'm Adrian... Monk. You can call me Adrian... Monk.

[after Dexter shows Monk the nude pictures of Sharona]
Adrian Monk: What kind of man are you?
Dexter Larson: I told you before, Mr. Monk: I do not lose.

Adrian Monk: [reading one of Trudy's poems, he has reduced an entire room of Sapphire girls to tears] "Hold me, Adrian, my darling husband. True love's touch is so rare a gift. How much more precious is your caress, who loves so deeply yet fears the warmth of hand on hand. Still your love is given free, only to me. Only to me." That was the last poem she ever wrote.

Adrian Monk: Are you a friend of Dexter's?
Noelle Winters: I am a Ghost of Sapphire Girl's Past.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Is on the Air (#5.13)" (2007)
Kevin Dorfman: You only go around once in this life.
Adrian Monk: That's the best news I've heard all day.

Adrian Monk: What station is he on?
Natalie Teeger: 99.9.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so close.
Natalie Teeger: I just don't see how he could have done it. So when Jeanette died, Max was on the air doing a live show. The night before, he's at a party in Los Angeles. He hasn't been home in two days.
Adrian Monk: I promised her sister I'd look into it. She was using all my Kleenex.
[They notice Linda Riggs at the front door]
Linda Riggs: I don't think he's home.
Adrian Monk: Did you tell him I was coming?
[Notices a welcome mat that says "GO AWAY" on it]
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, that's not for you. That's a joke.
Adrian Monk: How is that a joke?
Natalie Teeger: Well, I guess it's funny because it says the opposite of what a welcome mat would normally say.
["WELCOME"]
Adrian Monk: So it's an opposite joke?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Neighbor: [notices them] He's not home! I live right over there. I saw him leave two hours ago.
Natalie Teeger: That's a nice dog.
Adrian Monk: That's a nice cat.
[force laughs]

Adrian Monk: I think he's the guy.
Natalie Teeger: Me too, at least I hope he is.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
Adrian Monk: According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Natalie Teeger: Which is the maximum dosage.
Adrian Monk: And it was Max's suggestion.
Natalie Teeger: He went to their doctor personally to fill those prescriptions.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold...
[Disher blushes in the background]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Something funny?
Lt. Randall Disher: S-sorry.
Adrian Monk: He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-
[Randy blushes again]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Do you want to share it with the rest of the class?

Natalie Teeger: I don't like that guy either. He's such a bully. Have you ever heard his show?
Adrian Monk: What station is he on?
Natalie Teeger: 99.9.
Adrian Monk: Ah, so close.
Natalie Teeger: I just don't see how he could have done it. Have you seen this? So when Jeanette died, Max was on the air doing a live show, and the night before he was at a party in Los Angeles. He hasn't been home in two days.
Adrian Monk: I promised her sister I'd look into it. I had to; she was using up all my Kleenex.
[They meet Linda Riggs at the front door]
Linda Riggs: I don't think he's home.
Adrian Monk: Did you tell him I was coming?
[He's looking at the welcome mat, which reads "GO AWAY"]
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk. That's not for you. It's a joke.
Adrian Monk: Really? How's that funny?
Natalie Teeger: Well, I think it's funny because it's the opposite of what a welcome mat would normally say.
Adrian Monk: S-so it's an opposite joke?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
[a neighbor, walking his dog past the driveway, notices them]
Neighbor: He's not home! I live right over there. I saw him leave about two hours ago.
Natalie Teeger: That's a nice dog.
Neighbor: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: That's a nice cat.
[force laughs unconvincingly]

Linda Riggs: I'm sorry to bother you at home. I read about you on the internet and I looked up your address and... I don't know where else to go.
[sobs]
Adrian Monk: I'm on the internet?


"Monk: Mr. Monk, Private Eye (#5.5)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: You owe me 85 cents.
Natalie Teeger: Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.
Adrian Monk: Don't think I won't.
Natalie Teeger: How'd you get so cheap? Really?
Adrian Monk: I work for a living! All right? At least I used to. Now I just get bull kelp splashed on me.

Adrian Monk: [about his new office] Natalie, you can't afford this.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, you're paying for it.
Adrian Monk: *I* can't afford this!
Natalie Teeger: Oh yes you can. Remember last month when you got that bonus after solving the Kensington case?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie Teeger: That's because I used it for a down payment.
Adrian Monk: Grown ups have a word for that. It's called "embezzlement."

[Monk gets so bored with waiting for a case that he calls Natalie's desk phone from his desk phone about ten feet away]
Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk Investigation. What is the nature of your problem?
Adrian Monk: I'm been kept in a room against my will.
Natalie Teeger: You were kidnapped... uh, do you know who did it ?
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's my personal assistant, her name is Natalie... Teeger.
[as he says that, the camera pans around Natalie to reveal Monk talking on his desk phone]

Natalie Teeger: It took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it finally took off!
Adrian Monk: Not everyone feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville! For example, I was just thinking about how fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a bi-i-ig stick.
[They don't see Linda Fusco enter]
Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?

Natalie Teeger: You can't swim?
Adrian Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.
Natalie Teeger: You learned to swim by mail?
Adrian Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.
[He gives Natalie a little card from his wallet]
Natalie Teeger: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."
Adrian Monk: Can I have that back, please?
Natalie Teeger: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.
Adrian Monk: Hello, tsunamis?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Other Woman (#1.8)" (2002)
Adrian Monk: [hanging up his cell phone after talking to Stottlemeyer] That was Sharona. Her son got the lead in the school play.
Monica: Oh, really? What play?
Adrian Monk: Ghandi.
Monica: Ghandi? Is - is that a play?
Adrian Monk: I think they added a few songs. You want to come?
Monica: Oh, I think I'll be having a headache that night.

[Monk is asking Monica out]
Adrian Monk: We could have coffee. Or ... or ... do you eat dinner?
Monica: Yes, I've been known to eat dinner.
[pause]
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Do I eat dinner?

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Adrian Monk: It kinda does.

Monica Waters: You don't like change, do you?
Adrian Monk: I have no problem with change. I just don't like to be there when it happens.

Adrian Monk: I don't mind change. I just don't like to be there when it happens.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show (#4.10)" (2006)
[Julian Hodge has insulted Natalie's outfit]
Natalie Teeger: He did it!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect!
Natalie Teeger: Damn!

Adrian Monk: He quit?
Shirt Salesman: Yeah. Apparently, he had one regular customer who was driving him crazy.
Natalie Teeger: Now we're going to be up all night wondering who *that* was.

Adrian Monk: [speaking with Natasia Zorelle about the murder of Clea Vance and about if Pablo Ortiz is guilty or not] We're not sure. Probably just tilting at windmills.
Natasia Zorelle: Windmills?
Julian Hodge: It's a literary reference. From a book.
[Don Quixote, to be precise. This is a hint that Natasia is probably culturally illiterate]

Natalie Teeger: [watching Julie before she goes on to rehearse for Hodge] She looks beautiful, doesn't she? Too beautiful. Sometimes I wish she had a big old fat ugly wart right here.
[points to her forehead]
Adrian Monk: Maybe here.
[points to the center of her forehead, right above the bridge of her nose]

Adrian Monk: [during Julian Hodge's fashion show] Natalie, don't eat the food! I just saw four models back there throwing up.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Kid (#3.16)" (2005)
[Monk is babysitting a two-year old]
Treesa Crane: Now before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Treesa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only in smaller portions.
Adrian Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.

[Monk is babysitting a two-year-old]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God, what is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Adrian Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie Teeger: It must be so uncomfortable.
Adrian Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one when I was his age.
Natalie Teeger: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Adrian Monk: No.

Adrian Monk: I mean, he could do alot worse than me for a father. What if he were adopted by... wolves?

911 Operator: Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?
Adrian Monk: It's everywhere! B.M. It's B.M., B.M., B.M.! It's B.M.!
911 Operator: Sir, you have to stop saying "B.M." now. Do you mean your child is soiling his diaper?
Adrian Monk: Yes! Yes, he's soiling his... his diaper.
911 Operator: You mean you've never changed a diaper before?
Adrian Monk: Hurry!

[talking Monk through a diaper change]
911 Operator: Now on either side of the diaper, there should be two Velcro straps.
Adrian Monk: Yes, okay, I've got the straps.
911 Operator: Now rip 'em open.
[sound of Velcro ripping]
Adrian Monk: Oh! Oooohhh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!


"Monk: Mr. Monk Makes a Friend (#5.11)" (2007)
Adrian Monk: [leaving the supermarket with his groceries in paper bags] Wait. Wait. I *will* take plastic.
shopmanager [not visible]: It's too late!

Hal Tucker: I like your style, you know. You play by your own rules.
Adrian Monk: That's one way of looking at it I guess...

Hal Tucker: [referring to their excellent view spot at the hockey-game] How about these seats huh?
Adrian Monk: Oh they're excellent. They're really bolted in!

Lt. Randall Disher: Oeh, I'll take Pearl Jam. Good seats?
Adrian Monk: No, sorry, they're right next to the stage.

Adrian Monk: Listen,can we invite Hal? I mean if he makes bail.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk he tried to kill you!
Adrian Monk: No friendship is perfect.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk he murdered two people!
Adrian Monk: Allright I'll sit between you, you don't even have to talk to him.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Miracle (#7.9)" (2008)
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I've tried everything. Even this crap.
[health drink]
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it.
[Takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, it tastes like chalk.
Natalie Teeger: What's in it?
Adrian Monk: [reading] Chalk extract...

Julie Teeger: [looking at Monk's cardboard tree] Is that your tree?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Julie Teeger: It's cardboard.
Adrian Monk: Right. No muss, no fuss. A lot of people are doing it.
Julie Teeger: Who?
Adrian Monk: People... you know, who are me.

Julie Teeger: Christmas doesn't mean anything to you?
Adrian Monk: Not anymore.
Julie Teeger: Why don't you believe in anything, Mr. Monk? What are you so afraid of?
Natalie Teeger: I'll tell you what I think. I think Mr. Monk has been afraid of so many things, for so many years, he's afraid of not being afraid.
Adrian Monk: What does that mean?
Natalie Teeger: Think about it.
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to.

[Monk and Natalie notice that Randy has grown a mustache]
Natalie Teeger: What is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: What?
Natalie Teeger: On your face. On your lip.
Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit about a mustache.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job.
[Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, fixed on his new mustache]
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie Teeger: You're making me a little uncomfortable.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Big Reward (#4.13)" (2006)
Jenny Manderville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest.
[to an officer]
Lt. Randall Disher: Would you escort Miss Mandeville out?
[Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them and whistles a cuckoo whistle]
Adrian Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
[since yesterday, Jennie came in and confessed to stealing a pen from a bank]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday, and says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder. Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.

[Gladys, while cleaning, finds a note saying "Gladys, don't forget to clean *under* the table. "Under" in the Post-It note is underlined, emphasizing its importance. In Stottlemeyer's office, meanwhile... ]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. The victim was poisoned. Somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
Natalie Teeger: So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.
Natalie Teeger: [holds up file] Ka-ching!
Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means *nobody* is to withold *any* information from *anybody*.
Natalie Teeger: [noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.
Gladys Menchen: [walks into the room to confront Monk about his Post-It notes] Did you write these? Don't deny it, I know it was you!
[reads the notes]
Gladys Menchen: "How are things down under?" Hint! Hint! "Monk was right. You should clean under the tables." You don't fool me for a second. It goes without saying, "Don't forget to throw away these little Post-Its, too."
Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Captain, she doesn't clean under the tables.
Gladys Menchen: You are not the boss of me!

Landis: [while being questioned about the robbery] I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators, and anybody who was at the museum.
Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left.
Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay.
[noticing Monk and Natalie]
Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
Lt. Randall Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on sight.
Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll look into it.
[to Landis]
Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me, Mr. Landis.
[to Monk and Natalie]
Lt. Randall Disher: If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B.
[Landis departs with Randy to be interrogated. Monk turns to Natalie, who is dismayed to find that Monk didn't ask for money]
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: You know what? You just solved that case for *free*!
Lt. Randall Disher: What was I supposed to do? Say, "Lieutenant, there's a drug dealer in the room. I'll tell you who it is for $20."
Natalie Teeger: At least we'd have $20!

Dr. Charles Kroger: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess I'd hire you full time, and keep you on retainer 24/7. Maybe I'd buy you a house right next to mine so that I could just drop in, anytime.
[Chuckles]
Adrian Monk: This is fun. What would you do with a million dollars?
Dr. Charles Kroger: [Cautiously] Buy an island... a desert island... in the middle of nowhere.
Adrian Monk: So we would do our sessions over the phone?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Heh, you see this island, in my mind... no phone service.
Adrian Monk: I guess I'd have to buy a boat.
Dr. Charles Kroger: You see, that's funny because you see this island, in my fantasy... no dock.
Adrian Monk: Well, may the best man win.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the 12th Man (#2.9)" (2003)
Sharona Fleming: Oh my god! Adrian, do you know what Kenny just did? He took care of all my parking tickets.
Adrian Monk: He's like Superman.

Adrian Monk: Thank you for seeing us.
Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Please, sit down.
[appears to have a rather sudden reaction, like he is thinking]
Sharona Fleming: [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe.
[points to it]
Ian Agnew: I have a piece of pipe in my head.
[pauses]
Ian Agnew: I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
Adrian Monk: Sir, about your accident.
Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack.
[laughs]
Ian Agnew: I'll get it!
[picks up the phone]
Ian Agnew: Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number.
[to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: How's that coffee?
[then to the floor]
Ian Agnew: BAD DOG!
[then back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: I haven't worked since.
Adrian Monk: Huh. How did you get the job?
Ian Agnew: Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it.
[He picks up the phone again, about to talk to an imaginary caller]
Ian Agnew: You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
Sharona Fleming: Did you go to the trial?
Ian Agnew: I testified.
Sharona Fleming: Did you spend any time with the jury?
Ian Agnew: No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors!
[singing]
Ian Agnew: Daisy, Daisy, tell me your aunts are true!
[then to a spot on the floor]
Ian Agnew: BAD DOG!
[then back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew: You know what I think I miss the most?
[points to the pipe]
Ian Agnew: Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this.
[picks up the phone again]
Ian Agnew: Hello. Hello.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.
Ian Agnew: [talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?
Adrian Monk: We'll let ourselves out.
Ian Agnew: Tell me who this is RIGHT NOW!
[Monk and Sharona walk out]
Ian Agnew: Well I don't believe that for a minute!

[Monk and Sharona arrive at the toll plaza]
Adrian Monk: Handcuffed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Handcuffed and tied to about 70 feet of rope.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my god!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And then he was dragged, west 7/10ths of a mile. I just saw the body, or what's left of it. The M.E. says he's never seen anything like it. There's no end to it.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I mean this is #9. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat.
Adrian Monk: Any connection?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no connections at all. I mean, four have been men, five women. All different ages - Latino, white, black.
Adrian Monk: And the M.Os?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All different. There's been a couple of shootings - all different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. It-It's like a full moon every night.
Adrian Monk: And you're sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well they have one thing in common, Monk: we can't solve them. I swear, there's something in the water here.

Adrian Monk: [about the 11 victims] What do they have in common?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Absolutely nothing.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. They have... nothing in common. Some are rich, some poor, different ages, races, occupations... Captain this is a very diverse group. They are... too diverse.
Sharona Fleming: "Too diverse"?
Adrian Monk: I'm talking statistics. You'd have to work hard, really hard, to find a group this different. Plus, look at this. The blue pins indicate where they lived, right?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The murders took place all over the Bay Area, but the victims all lived in Marin County. What are the odds of *that*?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Go on, go, go, go, go...
Adrian Monk: A diverse group... all registered to vote... you know where you find a group like that?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, yes! On a jury!
Disher: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on, hang on...
[checks his computer]
Disher: He's right. They all served together on the same jury six years ago.
Adrian Monk: A jury.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: On a jury.
[he kisses Monk on the cheek, then runs out to rally the task force]


"Monk: Mr. Monk and Little Monk (#4.8)" (2005)
[Sherry Judd and Adrian Monk are looking at a painting in an art gallery]
Sherry Judd: I love this one, look at their faces, I wonder what they're thinking.
Adrian Monk: She is planning to murder him.
Sherry Judd: What?
Adrian Monk: She's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms, you can tell by the little white spots, it's a deadly poison.
Sherry Judd: Well maybe she doesn't know?
Adrian Monk: She knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen; see the bruises on her arms and her left eye. She knows what she's doing.
[pause]
Sherry Judd: It must be hard, to be you, to see everything.
Adrian Monk: It's awful.

Mrs. Ledsky: Here. I made one with exactly ten chips in it, like you like.
[Adrian takes the cookie, and bites it]
Young Adrian Monk: You're a great cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift...
[indicates her stomach]
Mrs. Ledsky: And a curse.

Young Adrian Monk: Here's what happened...

Mrs. Monk: Adrian!
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, everybody's watching.
Mrs. Monk: Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom...
Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3:07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.
[He moves forward to hug her]
Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
Young Adrian Monk: Right, sorry.
[They shake hands]


"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic (#3.13)" (2005)
Adrian Monk: I play the clarinet... I played with Willie, you know, Nelson.
Jonathan Davis: Nelson?
Adrian Monk: I played with Willie Nelson, and now I'm just waiting for Detox

[in a squad car, chasing a suspect]
Adrian Monk: Is your seatbelt on?
Sgt. Parnell: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: Nice and tight? Blinkers! Blinkers!
Sgt. Parnell: Do you understand this is a car chase?
Adrian Monk: Left lane ends, two miles! Left lane ends, two miles!

[stuck on a long stretch of Highway 101, Julie warns that she has to go to the bathroom]
Adrian Monk: No, no... here.
[gives her a ten dollar bill]
Adrian Monk: I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a kid not to pee!
Adrian Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie Teeger: Sure he can, it's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to vomit?

[about ten minutes later, Julie hands back the ten dollar bill]
Adrian Monk: What is this?
Julie Teeger: I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Dog (#8.11)" (2009)
Natalie Teeger: [examining a painting] Could be a lover?
Adrian Monk: How do you figure?
Natalie Teeger: Well, he's naked, and, uh... lower right corner?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Oh! Oh, I thought that was the signature.

Adrian Monk: [about Shelby] This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Like?
Adrian Monk: Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.

Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?
Adrian Monk: No. No.
Anne Marie: Didn't think so.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.
Anne Marie: Do you know her other boss, the crazy one?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, I-I-I-I think I have met him once or twice.

Lt. Randall Disher: Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Adrian Monk: How?
Lt. Randall Disher: She could bark at him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Visits a Farm (#5.14)" (2007)
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Loosen up! What are you afraid of?
Adrian Monk: Well... pretty long list.

Oates: One minute you're handcuffing yourself to a piece of farm machinery, sobbing like a schoolgirl, the next minute you're putting all the pieces together like Sherlock Holmes. Which is the real Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: I like to think that a man is made up of many different...
Oates: I think it's the schoolgirl.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you're probably right.

Adrian Monk: Thanks for letting me keep my bags with me. Is this where I catch the bus going back?
Bus Driver: NO!
[the bus driver hurriedly shuts the door and drives off. Monk surveys the road to Randy's farm]
Adrian Monk: That's a lot of dirt...

Adrian Monk: Okay, what's back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
Jimmy Belmont: Fields of reefer? What kind of cop were you?
Adrian Monk: You know what I mean. Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Baba.
Jimmy Belmont: What makes you think that I'd actually...
Adrian Monk: Magic Dragon. Bambalachi. Yellow Submarine. Black Bart. Dr. Giggles. Kentucky Blue. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Railroad Weed. That's right. The Devil's Parsley. Skunk. Splim. Splam. Mooster. Side Salad.
Jimmy Belmont: Side Salad?


"Monk: Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece (#6.14)" (2008)
Lt. Randall Disher: [gets caught up in a spider's web, and mistakes it for a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
Bennie Wentworth: [walks over] What's going on? Did you break this bike?
[points to a broken bike lying on the ground]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry.
Bennie Wentworth: You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
Natalie Teeger: It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?
Bennie Wentworth: I know. I can tell. Look.
[He picks up the bicycle, and points to a twisted up wheel]
Bennie Wentworth: This wheel is all bent! 40 bucks!
Lt. Randall Disher: 40 bucks. No way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
Bennie Wentworth: Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story.
[back to Randy]
Bennie Wentworth: I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
[regarding the broken bike]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm not paying for it!
Adrian Monk: What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.
Adrian Monk: [referring to the dead man] He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
Bennie Wentworth: Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
Adrian Monk: The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
Bennie Wentworth: I don't know. An eclectic spree.
Natalie Teeger: Do you have any enemies?
Bennie Wentworth: None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief!
[points at Randy]
Bennie Wentworth: 20 bucks.
[Bennie makes another attempt at bargaining with Randy about the broken bike's price]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, give him five bucks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine.
[He takes five bucks out of his own wallet and pays Bennie]
Adrian Monk: I wonder what happened to his partner.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What partner?
Adrian Monk: Well it's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks.
[Randy starts to walk away, and Stottlemeyer stops him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! Your bike.
[Randy reluctantly walks back and picks up the broken bike. He carries it away with him]

[Monk paints in Natalie's living room. He has literally cleared out her whole house. Natalie comes through the front door, and notices her stuff missing]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?
Adrian Monk: Outside.
Natalie Teeger: Well, what if it rains?
Adrian Monk: Then your things will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.
Natalie Teeger: [notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?
Adrian Monk: I need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!

Adrian Monk: What was I thinking? I'm no artist.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're no artist? Adrian Monk, you're a grand master! You're Leonardo Da Vinci, you're Pablo Picasso.
Adrian Monk: Just not with a paintbrush.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] Just not with a paintbrush, that's for damn sure.

[last lines]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, how 'bout stamp collecting? That's a nice hobby. You get a little book, you put all the stamps in there, you line them all up.
Adrian Monk: I could arrange them by color, I suppose.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, you could. You could arrange them any way you'd like. It's a hobby, after all.
Adrian Monk: Are they all the same size?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If that's important to you, yes...


"Monk: Mr. Monk Joins a Cult (#6.11)" (2008)
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She moved to North Beach, rented a basement apartment and started working off the books.
Adrian Monk: Doing what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She became a member of the world's oldest profession.
Adrian Monk: Stone mason, huh?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, prostitute.

Adrian Monk: You know how busy I am. I'm doing my taxes, I'm rotating my couch cushions...

Adrian Monk: [start of the summation] Here's what I think happened. Amanda Clark was a sex prostitute.
Susan Donovan: A what?
Adrian Monk: A sex prostitute.
Susan Donovan: As opposed to what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, just keep going.

Adrian Monk: [after he and Natalie expose Roberts's back pain and secret doctors' visits] He's been seeing Father for years. Call him. "The more you know, the less you don't know."


"Monk: Mr. Monk Is Underwater (#7.5)" (2008)
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I've been on these boats. These boats are so big, they don't even feel like boats. They're like islands. You've been on islands before, right? You like islands. It's like Hawaii. Think of it like that: We're going to Hawaii.
Adrian Monk: I believe you are the Devil.

Adrian Monk: [noticing everyone saluting] Nobody's shaking hands. Everybody's saluting. Maybe I should enlist.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist. Don't even joke about it.
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: Because I love America.

Adrian Monk: [as he and Natalie bang on the door of the ballast tank trying to find help] Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not going to do us any good if we both panic!
Adrian Monk: You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first... Oh, God! Natalie!
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Ocean in my pants!
[Camera pans down to reveal that the water is up to just above his ankle]

Commander Nathan Whitaker: When I'm on land, I am a decorated officer of the United States Navy. When I'm on this ship, I am the lord, THY GOD! I am Jehovah! No one questions me! Now I've asked around. I know about your problems. You are having a breakdown, sir. It happens on submarines all the time to men far better than you. You are *delusional*.
Adrian Monk: I have my share of problems, I don't deny it. But when I'm on this case, the last thing I am is delusional.
[turns to an imaginary Dr. Bell]
Adrian Monk: Tell him.
[Whitaker shows an expression that suggests that he does think Monk is delusional]
Adrian Monk: Does that sound like I'm delusional to you?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Critic (#8.6)" (2009)
Adrian Monk: Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Adrian Monk: You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.
Natalie Teeger: [hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

[at the theater]
Adrian Monk: I just went to the bathroom.
Natalie Teeger: What, *here*? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you! How was it?
Adrian Monk: It was magical.

Adrian Monk: You've become obsessed with this review.
Natalie Teeger: Look who's talking!
Adrian Monk: That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.

[Natalie wants to hire Monk]
Adrian Monk: Oh, this check's no good.
Natalie Teeger: That's sweet of you to say, but...
Adrian Monk: No, I mean it's literally no good. You can't cover this.
Natalie Teeger: Sure I can. I just deposited my paycheck on Wednesday.
Adrian Monk: Right. But I happen to know that that check is going to bounce. So this check is pretty much worthless.
Natalie Teeger: You wrote me a bad check? How could you do that?
Adrian Monk: I might ask you the same question.
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Your check was bad first!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, there's no right and wrong here. It's all tangled up. One check, another check. It's like the chicken and the egg.
Natalie Teeger: No, it's not! There... there's no egg here. There's no egg. This is all chicken!


"Monk: Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra (#3.11)" (2005)
Adrian Monk: You are a wise and learned man, Master Zi.
Master Zi: As are you.
Adrian Monk: It must be a tremendous burden, so much wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about four years ago? Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about. I got to the airport, I hailed a cab. Monk, I recognized the driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.
Adrian Monk: Burnshaw?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw, he used to be a Fed. He was a real player. He used to head the F.B.I.'s field office in Atlanta, right up until the 1996 Olympic Games.
Adrian Monk: The Plaza bombing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly. They accused the wrong guy, Burnshaw booted it big-time on national television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.
Adrian Monk: What does this have to do with...?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
Adrian Monk: [reads] It's a match.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Yeah...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, *I'm* gonna end up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs.

[Master Zi steps closer to Monk]
Master Zi: Oh, my... a very troubled soul. You are on a quest, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Master Zi: You live in a dark place. The darkness is your fear.
[He gives Monk a small candle and match]
Master Zi: Take this. The light is your weapon, Mr. Monk. Be the light.

Master Zi: [blindfolded] A great sorrow has entered this room.
Adrian Monk: That would be me.


"Monk: Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk (#8.9)" (2009)
Natalie Teeger: [Running from 'hitmen' out to kill them] The Dumpster, The Dumpster!
Adrian Monk: Argh, I can't
Natalie Teeger: The Porta-John!
Adrian Monk: [Annoyed at Natalie's choice of hiding spot] Have we met?

Natalie Teeger: Okay Mr. Monk congratulations. You win. You're going to spend your birthday alone, and the next birthday after that, and the one after that too, until you finally die alone and pathetic and miserable and sad and alone.
Adrian Monk: Deal. Can we fix the vacuum now?

Adrian Monk: If you buy me something, then I have to pretend to like it. And then I have to remember to thank you, and then I have to return it, and it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare!

Natalie Teeger: It's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born!
Adrian Monk: You're so cruel.


"Monk: Mr. Monk on Wheels (#7.11)" (2009)
Adrian Monk: [arriving at John Kuramoto's house while tracking the bike. He knocks on the door] Hello, Johnny! Open up. It's... It's Encyclopedia Brown! Sally and I want our blue bike back.
[sheepishly]
Adrian Monk: And the name of your decorator.

Dean Berry: Mr. Monk, you know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to adopt ten acres of Brazilian rain forest in your name.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I don't have to visit it, do I? Or, or water it, or think about it?
Dean Berry: No.

Adrian Monk: [notices the square tomato] Is that a square tomato?
Sarah Longson: Yes it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmer can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient.
Adrian Monk: So, so, that means every slice is exactly the same size?
Natalie Teeger: How does it taste?
Adrian Monk: Who cares? It's a square tomato. You're doing the Lord's work.

Adrian Monk: So what exactly do you do?
Sarah Longson: We're saving the world.
Adrian Monk: Good for you. I was getting a little worried about the world.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Is on the Run: Part 1 (#6.15)" (2008)
[Monk knocks the Six-Fingered Man to the ground, and draws his gun]
Six Fingered Man: You're gonna shoot me? Like this? Like a dog?
Adrian Monk: Why? Why?
Six Fingered Man: What?
Adrian Monk: [shouts] WHY?
Six Fingered Man: I don't know why! I never know why! It was just a job. I didn't even know the lady.
Adrian Monk: Who was it? Who hired you?
Six Fingered Man: I tell you that, I'm a dead man...

Adrian Monk: I didn't shoot him. He was my only lead. I'd have to be crazy!
Sheriff Rollins: Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.

Natalie Teeger: [makes smoothie by using a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.
Lt. Randall Disher: [Notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?
Natalie Teeger: That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just lubricates your organs.
[puts down the glass and picks up the drill]
Natalie Teeger: Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.
[She walks into the living room, and picks up Mitch's old uniform before going to the bathroom. Randy looks at the revolting smoothie for a few moments before taking a sip from it. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom. It is revealed that Natalie is running the shower so as to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]
Natalie Teeger: Quiet! He's still in the kitchen.
[gets the uniform out]
Natalie Teeger: It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.
Adrian Monk: Oh no. I can't wear that.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.
Adrian Monk: No, it's all dusty.
Natalie Teeger: You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!
Adrian Monk: OK.
[He prepares to put on the uniform]
Natalie Teeger: [gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.
Adrian Monk: Is this all you had?
Natalie Teeger: It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later.
[Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]
Natalie Teeger: Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, thank you.
Natalie Teeger: You're going to thank me, find what happened, and come home?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike (#5.2)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: It is no secret that rock and roll stars collect antiques - especially antique chairs.

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened.
[pauses]
Adrian Monk: I mean, here's what *really* happened.

Adrian Monk: We're all heroes. Except for Natalie.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa (#4.9)" (2005)
Adrian Monk: [in this scene everybody is handing out presents as secret Santas] Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey.
Adrian Monk: Well, Merry Christmas.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, you got me!
Adrian Monk: It's an air purifier, for your house.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you saying my house smells?
Adrian Monk: Not your house, but houses... like yours, sometimes get a um, odor, that's a... you know sour, or, or very unpleasant kind of stench of... not your house.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Thank you, thank you, Monk.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [captain laughs] Merry Christmas.
Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas.
Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas to you.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Do you um, know what Ebay is?
Adrian Monk: Ebay, no.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Good.

[During the gift exchange, Alice gives Monk a whisk broom and dustpan combination]
Adrian Monk: [overcome] Alice, this... this I love.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy (#5.15)" (2007)
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened!

Adrian Monk: That's enough to make me LOL... out loud

Adrian Monk: [writing] "Dear Kimberly, I am sorry I inadvertently sent the SWAT team to Kayla's slumber party and made you cry. I am sorry about the nightmares. It will never happen again. Adrian Monk."


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Leper (#5.10)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: [forcefully scrubbing his hands] Anymore soap?
Natalie Teeger: That's it.
Adrian Monk: No, I mean is there anymore soap in San Francisco?

Adrian Monk: [Adrian and Natalie are breaking into a mansion. They have put up a ladder against the wall. Adrian is urging Nathalie to climb up] Hurry! What are you waiting for? Go!
Natalie Teeger: [climbs the ladder and lands on the other side of the wall] Okay. You're next!
Adrian Monk: [feeling the ladder] No, no, it's... eh... it's wobbly. Somebody has to hold it.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk I can't come back. I'm already over!
Adrian Monk: Well, it's too wobbly! Look! It's all wobbly! I can't climb this! Why is it so wobbly?
[Natalie who is suddenly next to Monk taps him on the arm]
Adrian Monk: How did you do that?
Natalie Teeger: I opened the gate.
Adrian Monk: Good thinking. Ok, hold the ladder.
Natalie Teeger: No Mr. Monk the gate is open!
Adrian Monk: Natalie look. These are the leper's instructions. I've promised him I would follow them to a tee. We nodded on it.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I'm using the gate!
Adrian Monk: Ok, but don't tell the leper.

Adrian Monk: [seeing Julie making fries as a snack] Oh no. No no no no no. No junkfood. I promised your mother.
[takes the plate of fries away from Julie]
Julie Teeger: You promised?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I *am* the babysitter.
[throws Julie an apple]
Julie Teeger: Uhm. I don't think so! My mom said I was babysitting *you*.
Adrian Monk: [laughs in disbelief] O-oh-kay
Julie Teeger: Are you getting paid?
Adrian Monk: Yeah
Julie Teeger: How much?
Adrian Monk: You know, that is between your mother and me...
[makes move to throw the fries away]
Adrian Monk: ... why, how much are you getting?
Julie Teeger: [smiles] Eight dollars an hour
Adrian Monk: an *hour* ?
[silent for a moment]
Adrian Monk: I guess your the sitter.
[hands the plate to Julie]
Adrian Monk: Enjoy your fries.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets His Dad (#5.9)" (2006)
Jack Monk: Adrian! How are you?
Adrian Monk: How am I? Is that what you said?
Jack Monk: Yes. How are you? It's a rather conventional salutation. In Texas people use it all the time.

Other truckdriver on transistorradio: [over transistorradio] Addicus One, This is Gumbo Five, just wanted to let you know you're coming up on a plain brown wrapper.
Adrian Monk: [picks up mic and respons] Roger that, if we see it we *will* stop and pick it up.
Jack Monk: [laughs] A plain brown wrapper... that's an unmarked policecar. He is trying to warn us.
Adrian Monk: [picks up mic again] Gumbo Five, this is Addicus One: You are making it harder for Highway Patrol to enforce the local speedlimit, which isn't very cool. Over.
Other truckdriver on transistorradio: Jack, who the hell is that?

Jack Monk: ...and he sends me on this wild goose chase. Son of...
[swears]
Jack Monk: [swears again] 'scuse my language.
Adrian Monk: It's okay, we're truckers.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Rapper (#6.2)" (2007)
Murderuss: It'll help you relax.
Adrian Monk: [really nervous] I'm-I'm relaxed.
Murderuss: You are *not* relaxed, dog. You're the most uptight little puppy I've ever met. If I stuck a lump of coal up your butt, and waited ten minutes, I'd get a diamond.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy's upstairs talking to our medical examiner in rap.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything.

Natalie Teeger: You get hunches all the time, people don't laugh at you.
Adrian Monk: People laugh at me plenty.
Natalie Teeger: But not about that.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Married (#2.15)" (2004)
[Sharona and Monk are posing as a married couple]
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, this is a picnic. You have to sit on the ground.
Adrian Monk: I can't. Animals do things on the ground. Terrible, terrible things.

Sharona Fleming: We're never gonna get away with this. They're never gonna believe we're really married.
Adrian Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

Sharona Fleming: [after Monk refuses to sit on a bench because a bird sat on it the day before] You're impossible.
Adrian Monk: You married me.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Takes a Punch (#7.4)" (2008)
Adrian Monk: I am the beast!

[in the killer's mansion]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
Adrian Monk: He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
Natalie Teeger: So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [as the owner is led past them, handcuffed] Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours.
Lt. Randall Disher: You should have just kept it all in your basement.
Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
Daniel MacGraw: [sarcastic] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.

[leaving the killer's house]
Lt. Randall Disher: The guy went to a lot of trouble for nothing. I mean, nobody even watches commercials anymore.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's called TiVo, Mr. Monk. People just zap right past to get to the good stuff.
Adrian Monk: That makes sense!


"Monk: Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather (#3.5)" (2004)
[the FBI want Monk to wear a wire for a meeting with a mob boss]
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Agent Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, let me show you this. You see, these days we can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. You have six options.
[Monk and Sharona examine the list]
Adrian Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you?
[Colmes nods]
Adrian Monk: Okay, no thank you. Number Three...
Sharona Fleming: What if you had to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Right, good point. Number Four...
[pause]
Adrian Monk: Even if I *die*, don't let them do Number Four.
Disher: Number Five?
Adrian Monk: ...Okay. I'll do it. I'll try that.
Sharona Fleming: That's only for women!
Disher: Oh! Right.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... I can do that.
Agent Colmes: Number Six? Great.
Adrian Monk: Not Four.

[Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working]
Adrian Monk: Maybe we can trick him into saying it again.
Agent Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?
Adrian Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"

[Monk and Sharona are brought to meet mob boss Lucarelli, who's chopping fish in the kitchen of a restaurant]
Salvatore Lucarelli: Mr. Monk!
[he shakes hands, Adrian immediately starts wiping his down]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, he-he does this with everybody, really, he doesn't mean any disrespect.
Salvatore Lucarelli: [shrugs, chuckling] I have blood on my hands.
Adrian Monk: Yes, you do.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Earthquake (#1.11)" (2002)
[as they sit with the new widow, gibberish-speaking Monk attempts to express his condolences. Sharona tells him to leave the room]
Father Hatcher: Um... Where's he from?
Sharona Fleming: Neptune.
Adrian Monk: [Meanwhile, Monk begins wandering through the other room. While their conversation continues, Monk begins to straighten pictures on the walls. Then he stops, something seems odd to him] Dwon lear brannegaa nusis?
[He begins walking around, examining each wall more closely. He looks at the wall unit that crushed Henry Rutherford. Taking a kerchief from his breast pocket, he drags the cloth down the back of the unit. It comes up clean. At that moment, Sharona walks in, eyes tired]
Adrian Monk: Leego on forgi garrus.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, she'll be all right.
[It doesn't seem like the response Monk wanted. He looks around again, brows pulled together in concern]
Sharona Fleming: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: [suddenly snapping out of his "rattled by earthquake" mode] Bavioski. Che sagl not right about this room.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, you can talk!
Adrian Monk: Of course I can talk! What is wrong with you?
Sharona Fleming: Nothing is wrong with me!

Benjy Fleming: [turns on a faucet, causing rather rusty water to come out] The water's brown!
Gail Fleming: Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this... Where's my water?
[She opens the cupboard under the sink, which is empty. In the bathroom, Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles. Gail bangs on the door]
Gail Fleming: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Don't come in. I'm taking a bath.
Gail Fleming: With my mineral water?
Adrian Monk: I tried the water from the tap, but it was a little rusty.
Gail Fleming: Yeah well, enjoy that bath, it's costing me ninety-five dollars!
Adrian Monk: [oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you!


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist (#4.15)" (2006)
Dr. Oliver Bloom: [walks into his room preparing to torture Monk] Hello again, Mr. Monk.
[pause]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Is it true that you've only been to a dentist once before?
[Monk tries to nod]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I gather it wasn't a good experience. Oh, this will be much worse!
Adrian Monk: [gasps a little bit trying to get the words out] I'm a police officer.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh, I know that! That's why you're here.
[clasps his arms around Monk's head and neck to restrain him while Terri puts a retainer into Monk's mouth]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: See, Terri and I have some merchandise that we're looking to sell. Some bank certificates. Now there's a man in Chicago named Mr. Cronin who would like to buy them, but we're afraid of approaching him because we don't know if he is being watched by the police. Now my question is: is Mr. Cronin under surveillance?

Adrian Monk: Are you gonna be crying a lot? Maybe you wanna lean over the sink...


"Monk: Mr. Monk's 100th Case (#7.7)" (2008)
[last lines]
Adrian Monk: [Roaming through newspaper headlines] TV writer found dead after contract dispute.
Natalie Teeger: Creepy.

Adrian Monk: Mr. Novak, do you have a copy of the episode we just saw, maybe on a VHS tape?
James Novak: Well, this is DVR.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's too bad. If it was on VHS we could watch it again.
James Novak: DVR is digital. It's better than VHS.
Adrian Monk: Oh, well then let's do that.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes Back to School (#2.1)" (2003)
Adrian Monk: What's up with that 'k'?

[to the killer after catching him]
Adrian Monk: Q.E.D.: quod erat demonstrandum... thus it is proved.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink (#5.7)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: I'm Adrian Monk, here to see Dr. Sorenson.
Sorenson's Receptionist: Fill this out.
Adrian Monk: It says to list your phobias.
Sorenson's Receptionist: That's right.
Adrian Monk: There are only five spaces.
Sorenson's Receptionist: You can use the back.
Adrian Monk: I might need another sheet.
[she hands him another sheet]
Adrian Monk: I might need another sheet.
[she hands him another sheet]
Adrian Monk: I might need another sheet.

Dr. Charlie Kroger: Adrian, I cannot continue to practice anymore after today. The police think that one of my patients killed Teresa Mueller. I should have seen it coming. I didn't; I missed it. This is all my fault.
Adrian Monk: This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
Dr. Charlie Kroger: Adrian, I promise you I'll get you another doctor. I'll call you next week.
Adrian Monk: Okay! So it's not true! You're not retiring! I mean, you can't because... He can't retire...
Dr. Charlie Kroger: [to Natalie] This is step one in the grieving process: denial.
Adrian Monk: Damn you, Charles! Damn you to hell! I hate you. I hate you! You are dead to me.
Natalie Teeger: That's not denial.
Dr. Charlie Kroger: No, step two, that's anger.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, we're all adults here. We can work this out. I can hire you full time, all right? Put you on payroll.
Dr. Charlie Kroger: This is step three: bargaining. It usually doesn't go around this quickly.
Adrian Monk: Why me? Why is it always me? Everybody's always leaving me.
Natalie Teeger: Depression?
Dr. Charlie Kroger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: This can't go on. I mean, it's just too much. Okay, you're right. It's not the end of the world. I'll just have to find another doctor. I owe you so much. Thanks to you, I think I can get past this. Thanks, doc.
Dr. Charlie Kroger: And finally, acceptance.
Natalie Teeger: Thank God that's over.
Adrian Monk: He can't retire! The man can't quit because he's not a quitter.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, what's going on?
Dr. Charlie Kroger: I don't know. It's like he's starting all over again, like he's in a loop.
Adrian Monk: I hate you for this, Kroger! You are dead to me! You understand me? Dead!
Dr. Charlie Kroger: I really should be heading home.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Fired (#3.4)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: [to the commisioner] So, you would let a murderer, a man who killed two people in cold blood, walk, because you refuse to admit that you're *wearing a piece*?

Adrian Monk: [about being a cop] I couldn't change the world, I knew that. But I could fix little pieces of it.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital (#5.16)" (2007)
Adrian Monk: [at the emergency room check-in desk, holding his head tilted back for a nose bleed, unable to see the nurse] What's she doing?
Natalie Teeger: She's holding up the finger.
Adrian Monk: The bad finger?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, the pointy finger...
Adrian Monk: [during the intake, he starts arguing with the nurse about someone else going ahead of him, when he has a "head wound" too] Actually it is, technically.
Nurse Ullman: [losing patience with Monk] You have a bloody nose.
Adrian Monk: Look, it's a wound! And it's on my head! Do you have a dictionary back there?... What is she doing?
Natalie Teeger: [pause] Now it's the bad finger. Let's sit down.

Adrian Monk: I don't know how he did it, but he did it... He's the guy.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Bumps His Head (#4.11)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: I- I'm a roofer?
Cora: That's your job... I'll tell you what, tiger. You fix the roof and then later on tonight, p-p-pt!
[motions up the stairs]
Cora: Show you how much I appreciate it.

Adrian Monk: The truth is I'm - I'm not so attracted to you.
Cora: Whatever!
Adrian Monk: The truth is, you sort of terrify me.
Cora: Hey, there's no such thing as a perfect marriage!


"Monk: Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk (#4.6)" (2005)
Adrian Monk: [to a widow at a cemetery] Don't worry, he'll stay dead. This is an excellent cemetery, they know what they're doing.

Adrian Monk: Hope is the worst.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs (#7.13)" (2009)
Adrian Monk: [after an encounter with drunk football fans] Did you enjoy civilization, Leland? I sure did. It was a hell of a run. 8,000 years.

Adrian Monk: We had an explosion here today. The guy was burned. His name was Chet Walsh.
Shawn Metzger: Never heard of him.
Adrian Monk: Football jersey. Big Condors fan. Drunk. Yelling all the time.
Shawn Metzger: It's a tailgate party. You're describing everybody here.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure you know this guy. You tried to kill him about a hour ago.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf (#3.6)" (2004)
Harold J. Krenshaw: Good bye Adrian.
Adrian Monk: I'll see you in hell Harold!

Adrian Monk: [Monk is talking about Sharona, after she thinks that she is having hallucinations] She's not crazy!


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Office (#4.4)" (2005)
Adrian Monk: He's completely obsessed! And not in a good way like me!

Adrian Monk: That was our table. We ate nachos.
Natalie: YOU ate nachos?
Adrian Monk: No, but I pretended to.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Other Detective (#4.1)" (2005)
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
Adrian Monk: It's over there.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Dog... you know. Dog... doo.
Natalie Teeger: Did you step in it?
Adrian Monk: [looking at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the Emergency Room, wouldn't I! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring.

Adrian Monk: [Marty Eels, a screw-up, is solving a case more efficiently than Monk] I think he's cheating. He's a cheater!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
Adrian Monk: He's cheating!


"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Drunk (#4.5)" (2005)
[after finding out how his favorite Cabernet is made]
Adrian Monk: I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's Foot Wine! I can taste it...
Natalie Teeger: Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!
Adrian Monk: I feel like I can taste the feet... the toes... and what's between the toes...
Al Nicoletto: And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff...
[She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot on the wet, muddy ground]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.

Adrian Monk: Sometimes I turn ton the TV and I turn the sound way down and I pretend that they are talking to me... that everyone likes me Adrian welcome back, we are so happy to see you...


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door (#7.12)" (2009)
Adrian Monk: Speak from the heart? What kind of f... advice is that?

Natalie Teeger: [last lines]
Natalie Teeger: A pirate?
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's more fun to be a pirate.
Natalie Teeger: Hmm. That's good advice.
[leading Monk to the car]
Natalie Teeger: Come on boss, I'll make you some lunch.
Adrian Monk: What are we having?
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, chicken pot pie, little Jolly Roger-flag on top and a bolero.
Adrian Monk: Ok, you don't have to be like that.
Natalie Teeger: Shiver me timbers, you look hungry!
Adrian Monk: Ok, how's that funny?
Natalie Teeger: It's funny!


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Actor (#5.1)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: [Monk bangs on the door] Natalie, it's me.
[Natalie opens her front door]
Adrian Monk: At least I think it's me.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, Mr. Monk, what time is it?
[she wipes sleep out of her eyes]
Adrian Monk: You were right about actors. He's completely unstable.
[he walks into her house]
Natalie Teeger: What did he do?
Adrian Monk: Oh, he's so selfish. He's immature. Get this: he barged into my house in the middle of the night, woke me up because he *felt* like talking...
Natalie Teeger: Umm, I can't imagine what that would be like...
Adrian Monk: So we talked for hours. I will say this, he gets me, he *really* gets me, he understands about Trudy. He was dredging up these feelings. Feelings I haven't had in years. And then he made us food - fried eggs with the yolk exactly in the center, I mean exactly. He used a ruler, just the way I like them.
[sighs]
Adrian Monk: It was very confusing but delicious. Confusing, but delicious. And then he said he was tired and asked me to leave.
Natalie Teeger: So you left?
Adrian Monk: He has to get up at 6:00.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, that's *your* house!
Adrian Monk: [Momentarily stunned] Boy, he's a good actor.

Dr. Charles Kroger: That must have been a traumatic experience for you Adrian. And they cancelled the movie?
Adrian Monk: He said he wanted to play a character who wasn't so dark and depressing. He's in England doing Hamlet.
Dr. Charles Kroger: How about the little getaway you were planning? The weekend away?
[Adrian shakes his head]
Dr. Charles Kroger: All right, okay, maybe another time.
Adrian Monk: I guess I'm back to square one.
[groans]
Adrian Monk: It's good to be home.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, please don't be hard on yourself. I think we should go back to three days a week for just a little while. That would be Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Adrian Monk: And Tuesday.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Tuesday would be four days a week...
[Monk give Kroger a beleaguered look]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Okay, I could see that just until you're back on your feet...
Adrian Monk: And Thursday.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Oh no, Thursday is five days a week, Adrian.
[With his head in his hand Adrian moans]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Okay, that way five days a week would be easier to remember...
Adrian Monk: And Saturday.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Well, Saturday is the weekend and I don't like to see patients on the weekends.
Adrian Monk: Saturday!
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I have a family and I like to keep the weekend free...
Adrian Monk: [Desperately] Saturday!
Dr. Charles Kroger: Okay, we'll try that for a weekend or two. So that would be Monday, Tuesday...
Adrian Monk: And Sunday.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Fights City Hall (#7.16)" (2009)
Harold Krenshaw: I'm talking about your new therapist, the mystery doctor, the genius you're always raving about. Who is he? Just tell me his name.
Adrian Monk: I can't tell you. It's privileged information.
Harold Krenshaw: No, it's not. What happens in the session is privileged. His name isn't privileged. People recommend therapists everyday. Am I right, Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know. I just waiting for the conversation to be over.
Adrian Monk: Ok, fine. His name is doctor... Door.
Harold Krenshaw: Doctor Door? Is that the best you can do? I suppose if we were standing by that alarm you would've said Doctor Bell.
Natalie Teeger: [accidentally spits water on Harold] Oh god, Harold! I'm so sorry!

Adrian Monk: Eileen Hill was a well educated, professional woman. She was an adult. This woman
[pointing to Maria Scheter]
Adrian Monk: on the other hand is a dolt! Adult - dolt - adult - dolt - adult -dolt - adult - dolt...
Natalie Teeger: [sideways to Monk] Mr. Monk she is right here!
Adrian Monk: She knows she's an idiot. She can't even answer a phone. Have you ever tried talking to her? It's torture. Question: why would Eileen hire a moron like that?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife (#2.14)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: [Captain touches his gun while a search warrent is being executed on the man who almost killed the Captain's wife] You might... want to let the Lieutenant... hold that for you.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Why? Are you afraid I'll use it?
Adrian Monk: [pause] I would.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [after his wife was nearly killed, and it took a while to figure out who was responsible] I understand now, Monk. You can't let it go, can you?
Adrian Monk: [twitches] No.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Candidate: Part 2 (#1.2)" (2002)
[after Monk rescues Sharona]
Sharona Fleming: What the *hell* were you thinking?
Adrian Monk: You kept saying, "shoot him! Shoot him!"
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, I could have been killed!
Adrian Monk: I knew what I was doing, I was aiming high. He's like twenty feet tall!
Sharona Fleming: What if you missed? You could have missed!
Adrian Monk: Oh, right! How could I have missed? The guy's King Kong!
Sharona Fleming: What if it ricocheted?
Adrian Monk: ...Oh, that-that's true. I didn't think of that.

Sharona Fleming: [seeing Sykes] He's leaving. I'm gonna follow him.
Adrian Monk: Where are you going, Sharona? Just stay put.
Sharona Fleming: [not listening] He's stashing his gun... he's going downstairs...
Adrian Monk: All right, just stay put! Stay right where you are!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who does she think she is?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, Lois Lane.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Stays in Bed (#4.3)" (2005)
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [Monk is sick in bed with the flu; Stottlemeyer points to a large device on the nightstand] What is this thing?
Adrian Monk: It's a humidifier.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [pointing to another device] What's that one?
Adrian Monk: It's a dehumidifier.
[long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

[Natalie is helping Monk re-paper his walls]
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's level. See? The bubble is right in the middle.
Adrian Monk: I think it's broken.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, the level is not broken! It's a bubble on a stick.
Adrian Monk: Let's just make sure...
[He unwraps a second level and holds it next to the first one]
Natalie: You have two levels?
Adrian Monk: I use this level to check the other levels. It's my level-checking level.
Julie Teeger: [deadpan] How do you know that one's not broken?
Adrian Monk: That's a good question. I take my level checking level to the hardware store twice a year to have it re-calibrated.


"Monk: Mr. Monk's Other Brother (#7.10)" (2009)
[walking away after interviewing a suspect]
Adrian Monk: I'm eighty percent sure he's the guy.
[Reese opens fire on them from his roof. Adrian, Jack and Natalie duck for cover]
Adrian Monk: I'm ninety-five percent sure!

Jack Monk, Jr.: Come on, I didn't kill that woman! I crawled through the sewer, when I got to the parking lot, she was already dead!
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, wait, wait, go back... you crawled through the what-what?
Jack Monk, Jr.: I crawled through the sewer, that's how I escaped.
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, wait, go back... you crawled through the what?
Jack Monk, Jr.: The sewer.
Adrian Monk: Wait...
[whimpering]
Adrian Monk: Go back.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Magician (#7.15)" (2009)
Adrian Monk: [seeing Kevin lying -dead- on the floor] Kevin? Are you trying to levitate?


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse (#8.7)" (2009)
Adrian Monk: We live in the real world! It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, *always* a non-voodoo explanation for everything.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man (#8.2)" (2009)
Samuel Waingaya: No man is greater friend than Adrian Monk.
Adrian Monk: No man has a greater friend than Samuel Waingaya.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Daredevil (#6.7)" (2007)
Adrian Monk: [arguing with Harold at the door to Dr. Kroger's office] You go to Hell.
Harold Krenshaw: You go to Hell.
Adrian Monk: The only reason I would even consider visiting Hell would be to visit you.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure (#6.6)" (2007)
Pez: What's with the bubble wrap?
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing... it's my... whats the word? MINE.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Is Someone Else (#8.4)" (2009)
Lola: What's her name?
[She is asking about Monk's "other" girlfriend]
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Natalie Teeger... b.
[He is using Natalie's name but with a "B" added onto the end of "Teeger"]
Lola: Teegerb?
Adrian Monk: With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. it's French Canadian.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star (#2.12)" (2004)
Sharona Fleming: I think You enjoy stabbing and shooting me.
Adrian Monk: No I don't enjoy it... But it's my job.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Game Show (#3.8)" (2004)
Adrian Monk: [on the phone with Sharona, talking about Kevin] He's in the kitchen right now, naming every egg salad sandwich he's ever had... Eight, including today... It's - it's not funny... Stop. Stop laughing... Look, Sharona, I - I don't know why you asked him to look in on me, I - I'm not a child! Please stop laughing!... Okay, I'll call you back. Give her my best!... Okay. And when you come back... bring a gun.


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes Home Again (#4.2)" (2005)
[questioning a group of trick-or-treaters who were attacked by "Frankenstein's Monster"]
Adrian Monk: How many of you stopped by my brother's house? The big, gray house at the end of Oak Street?
Witch Girl: You mean, where the "special" man lives? Who never comes out?


"Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank (#6.12)" (2008)
[Monk, Natalie, Disher, and Stottlemeyer have been sealed in a bank vault by a crooked employee]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.
Natalie Teeger: No, you are not!
Adrian Monk: You're right.
[gets up and moves to another corner]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die somewhere else.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.


"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny (#2.13)" (2004)
[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god!
Sharona Fleming: [seeing through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona Fleming: What's that on your face?
Lt. Randall Disher: Dirt.
Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy.
[Monk does so]


"Monk: Mr. Monk Is Up All Night (#6.9)" (2007)
[Lt. Disher has arrived at a night time crime scene wearing "Captain America" pyjamas]
Adrian Monk: Let's go.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Should we take my car or your invisible plane?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's Wonder Woman.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?


"Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty (#4.16)" (2006)
Adrian Monk: Don't get me wrong. It's a great system. It really is the best justice system in the world.
Natalie Teeger: I agree.
Adrian Monk: I just don't want to be a part of it.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what if everybody felt that way?
Adrian Monk: Everybody does.