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: Oh, Agnes! Here you've been taking my dictations for weeks and you haven't gotten the message of my book: live! Agnes Gooch
: Live? Auntie Mame
: Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!
[Pouring Agnes a drink
: This will calm you down. Agnes Gooch
: Oh, no! Spirits do the most horrible thing to me. I'm not the same person! Mame
: What's wrong with that? Agnes Gooch
: Will it mix with Dr. Pepper? Mame
: He'll love it! Drink!
: Well, now, uh, read me all the words you don't understand. Patrick Dennis
: Libido, inferiority complex, stinko, blotto, free love, bathtub gin, monkey glands, Karl Marx... is he one of the Marx Brothers?
[Patrick reads a list of words he doesn't understand
] Patrick Dennis
: ...Neurotic, heterosexual... Mame Dennis
: Oh, my my my my, what an eager little mind.
[takes the list
] Mame Dennis
: You won't need some of these words for months and months.
: Run along to Ito and tell him to bring me a light breakfast - black coffee and a side car. Oh, oh. And a cold towel for your Auntie Vera. Patrick Dennis
: Is she in the guest room again? Auntie Mame
: Since Sunday, dear. Now run along to Ito and hurry my tray, darling. Your Auntie needs fuel.
: That's a B. It's the first letter of a seven-letter word that means your late father.
: Is the English lady sick, Auntie Mame? Auntie Mame
: She's not English, darling... she's from Pittsburgh. Patrick Dennis
: She sounded English. Auntie Mame
: Well, when you're from Pittsburgh, you have to do something.
: Oh, you know I really am fascinated by aviation. I never knew they did it all with rubber bands.
: Please dear, your Auntie Mame's hung.
: If you kept your hair natural like I do... Auntie Mame
: If I kept my hair natural like yours, I'd be bald.
: [Mame has just gotten fired from Macy's
] Don't forget the skates for the little nippers. Get 'em at Gimble's!
: Spitting distance? How vivid!
: Exclusively what and restricted to whom?
: [to Patrick who has unleashed sunlight on a very hung-over Mame
] Child, how can you see with all that light?
: [before a fox-hunt
] Well? Shall we to the hounds? Auntie Mame
] Yeah, I'd love to meet your family.
: I got this recipe from a bartender I met in Havana. You'll never guess the secret ingredient. I'll give you one hint: there's no sugar in a Claude Upson daiquiri! Auntie Mame
: And yet it's so... sweet.
] Auntie Mame
: Whatever do you use?
] Auntie Mame
: Chocolate ice cream!
: What an honor it is to have you in our little home... though I wonder if it does make the best first impression on a sensitive young mind to see you drinking during business hours.
: I dropped by the Bixby School. And what do I find? I find he isn't even registered there, he never has been. So I've been hunting through every low, crockpot school in this town, and I finally found him in the lowest of them all. Auntie Mame
: Mr. Page is a progressive educator... Dwight Babcock
: There they were, a schoolroom full of them: boys, girls, teachers, romping around stark naked, bare as the day they were born. Auntie Mame
: I assure you that the children under Mr. Page's care were engaged in normal, healthful, broadening pursuits. Dwight Babcock
: Broadening? You show them what you were doing when I broke into that place. Go ahead, show them. Patrick Dennis
: We just playing Fish Families. Dwight Babcock
: Fish Families! Patrick Dennis
: It's part of "constructive play". Dwight Babcock
: Now, listen to this. Auntie Mame
: Show me now darling, show me. Patrick Dennis
: Well, we do it right after yogurt time. Mrs. Page and all the girls crouch down on the floor under the sun lamps. And they pretend to be lady fishes, depositing their eggs in the sand. Then Mr. Page and all the boys do what gentlemen fish do. Auntie Mame
] What could be more wholesome or natural?
: Widdicome, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bibberman and Black. You want to talk to Mr. Gutterman? One moment, sir. I'll connect you. Widdicome, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bibberman and Black. Oh, yes Mr. Bibberman. You'd like to talk with Mr. Applewhite? Oh, yes, sir, he's in. I'll connect you. Widdicome, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bib-bib-bib-blib-bibman and Black? Oh yes, long distance, how are you? Oh. Mr Widdecome? I have your San Francisco call for you. Yes, Mr. Bibberman? Oh. Did I connect you to Mr. Gutterman instead of Mr. Applewhite? I'm sorry Mr. Bibbicome, Bibbibibbib.
[She pulls the jack out of the plug and shakes it
] Auntie Mame
: Oh Mr. Applewhite, what are you doing in that hole with Mr. Gutterman? Yes Mr. Widdicome? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'll try to reconnect you again with San Francisco. Let me see, Mr. Bibibib is in there talking to Mr. Bubbawhite. Where on earth is Mr. Applewhite? Oh, there you are Mr. Applewhite!
[She starts to cross cords and desperately plug jacks into holes
] Auntie Mame
: Mr. Widdicome, there's no such place as San Francisco. Please!
[She lifts up her console and is horrified to see that it's glowing
] Auntie Mame
: Mr. Bibibib? Mr. Widdicome?
: [pointing to Agnes
] And what is this? Agnes Gooch
: I'm your sponge!
: [Meeting her nephew's snobbish dumb-blond fiancee for the first time
] You're er, you're at school dear? Gloria Upson
: I am an Upper Richman Girls School girl. Auntie Mame
: Now, how did you get that lovely tan, so early in the spring? Gloria Upson
: Oh, I played hooky for a couple of weeks. Mums and Dadums and I went down to our place in Fort Lauderdale. We have a place in Fort Lauderdale. Patrick Dennis
: I was out of my mind until she got back. I am insanely jealous of this kid. Sheer torture and I love it. Gloria Upson
] Silly... Auntie Mame
: Tell me dear, have you er, have you chosen your major yet? Gloria Upson
: [With a blank stare
] Chosen my major? Auntie Mame
: What courses are you taking at college? Gloria Upson
: Ah, well, just a general sort of liberal arts things, you know, English lit and like that. Upper Richman's a top drawer. *Really* top drawer.
: Oh, my, what a stunning apartment. Auntie Mame
: Thank you. Gloria Upson
: Books are awfully decorative, don't you think?
: Such talented fingers... what he did to my bust! That's a word for my head, you know.
: [walking with Mame after Mame's remarkable sidesaddle horseback ride during a fox hunt
] Can I ask you just one question? How did you stay on that horse? Auntie Mame
: It was just like New Haven with the bracelets. I got stuck, but at the other end.
: Darling! I'm your Auntie Mame!
: And, of course, it's completely restricted. Auntie Mame
: I'll get a blood test.
: ...to make him an Aryan... from Darien?
: Can I slide down the banister? Mame
: Well, why not. Young Patrick
: My father would never let me. Mame
: That's too bad. You must come from a dreadful family. Young Patrick
: I only have one relative in the whole world. Mame
: Oh, really, dear? And who is that? Young Patrick
: You. Agnes
: That's right. Mame
: Who are you? Agnes
: Agnes Gooch. Mame
: That's impossible. You aren't coming until tomorrow. Your telegram clearly said December 1, and this is November 31. And everyone knows that thirty days hath September, April, June, and Nov - . Oh my GOD. I'm your Auntie Mame.
: Could you be persuaded to have a drink, dear? Vera Charles
: Well, maybe just a TINY triple!