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: We're going to have to play ourselves boys. I'm going have to be to be Bubbles in the movie. Julian
: These people are terrible. Ricky
: What if I want to be Bubbles? Julian
: You're going to play yourself. Think, okay. You're going to be Ricky. Bubbles
: Now you're being a dick right now. You do just that.
: Ricky, I don't love Sonny. Ricky
: I don't love him either. I think he's a fucking dick.
: Fuck this court. Fuck Jim Lahey. Fuck Randy. Fuck those two idiot cops right there. Fuck suit dummies; as a matter of fact fuck legal aid. Fuck Danny and Terry's Buffalo Chicken Wings. Fuck all the old wood in here. Fuck the moon, fuck corn on the cob, fuck squirrels. Fuck me, fuck you, fuck everything!
: Fuck you, Lahey!
: I knew it. You're attracted to Julian. Donny
: I'm not attracted to Julian, I'm attracted to his-
[stops himself, clears throat
: I'm not attracted to Julian.
: You just gotta make sure the cops don't get your prescription, cause once they have your prescription, you're fucked!
: [afer smelling a kitty that spent the night in ricky's car
] Ricky! Smell him! He smells like cigarettes! Ricky
: [Smells kitty
] Yeah he does smells like cigarettes a bit I guess. Bubbles
: Kitties aren't supposed to smell like cigareets, they're supposed to smell like kitties!
: Suck it Donny! Donny
: You suck it Ricky, MORE! Ricky
: What the fuck kind of comeback was that? You said the same thing thing that I said, but you just added 'more' to it. Donny
: No! More! You suck it more! Ricky
: You're a fuckin' dick!
: We are gathered here today to witness the holy matrimony of two people, Richard and Lucy, who have decided to write their own vows. Ricky
: Thank you, your honor.
: Do you want to take it to Fucktown Lahey? Cause that's where this is headed: Downtown Fucktown! Bubbles
: No Mr. Lahey, PLEASE, we don't want to go to Fucktown!
: Can I please go to jail for a week to play hockey?
: [from trailer
] What kind of English is that? Bubbles
: He's speaking Spanish Ricky. Ricky
: Boy here let's clear something up. Is it galapeno or halapeno? Hispanic Auditionee
: It's jalapeño. Ricky
: No, it's galapeno. Next.
: Ricky, I think you might have hurt Corey and Trevor's feelings there! Ricky
: Bubbles, look at them. They're the stupidest fuck-giraffes in the dumb-dumb salad. Bubbles
: Fuck giraffes?
: What the fuck is going on in there, you OK? Julian
: Ah fuck. Cover me my gun's jammed. Ricky
: Sam you're about to get your empty fucking cave head full of bullets. Sam Lasco
: With a pellet gun Ricky? Put the fucking thing down right now. Ricky
: It's Bubble's pellet gun Sam. That's all I got. Sam Lasco
: Fine. Put it down. And bring me that sandwich. Ricky
: I'm not giving you my fucking sandwich.
: [Ricky to Randy who's holding his baby
] You can't feed a baby onion rings. Randy
: I didn't know, sorry. Ricky
: And what the fuck is all... oh my God you got sweat and grease all over him Lucy
: That's great. Thanks.
: God love Randy he's fucking trying, but he's smoking way too much dope. When I smoked the mosted dope in my like it was 5, 10 grams a day and he's smoking 10, 15 grams a day and it dumbs him out. It's way too much for him he's not that smart as it goes anyway.
: Cyrus can please tone it the fuck down please? Cyrus
: You should get out here and dirty dance too Ricky. Unless you're scared. Ricky
: Are you thrusting at me?
: [Bubbles is inside the vet's office, attacking Randy, while Ricky watches from outside. He has accidentally glued a rag to his nose with contect cement
: What the fuck?... Julian, it must be the fumes. I'm hallucinating, man. It looks like Bubbles has wings on his back and he's strangling Mike Bullard.
: In sixth grade Bubbles made this puppet he called Conky. Ricky
: What a little asshole. Julian
: He took the doll with him everywhere. It was kind of like his confidante. Ricky
: His what? Julian
: Never mind. Anyway, we had to take the doll away, because it fucked Bubbles' mind up big time. Ricky
: Yeah, it was like, even though Bubbles was Bubbles, he was two people at the same time as bein' Bubbles. He was trying to be this other person that wasn't Bubbles, but he was still Bubbles. It was, it was fucked.
: And what is your problem, sir? Ricky
: Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I have a busted nose, which I now have a rag glued to. And a fuckin' truck glued to my hand! How's that for a start? Conky
: And he's fucked in the head. He needs a brain transplant.
: Why don't you just shoot off your gun some more, very recklessly like? Idiot! Ricky
: Did you just call me an idiot, Conky? Huh? Conky
: Maybe I did... Reveen. Ricky
: Alright, "Reveen" is taking it a little too far, alright, you little fucker? Conky
] He's the fucking man they call... Julian
: Don't say it, Bubbles. Conky
] Oooh, nice Mall-Cop uniform, Ricky! Ricky
: Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey! I'm not in the mood. Mr. Lahey
: I beg your pardon; I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall-Cop like you, Rick. Ricky
: Knock knock. Mr. Lahey
: Who's there, Rick? Ricky
: Somebody. Mr. Lahey
: Somebody who? Ricky
: Somebody whose ex-wife owns the trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor; you got fired from the police force 'cause you fucked up bigtime, but we're not gonna' talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna' get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin'liquor on ya' from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life; now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Ya' fuckin' idiot.
[Lahey has been dumbstruck throughout all of this
: Bubbles, what happened to my trailer park, man? Ricky
: Looks like a tropical earthquake blew through here or something, man.
: Knock knock? Mr. Lahey
: Who's there, Rick? Ricky
: Somebody. Mr. Lahey
: Somebody who? Ricky
: Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park. It's the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor, 'cause you got fired from the police force, 'cause you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on ya' from here!
: [knocking on Julian's trailer door
] Let's go, open the fucking door, or I'm burning the trailer down!
: I'm pissed of at you, and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid! Trevor
: Sorry man, but you were shooting at us too. Ricky
: I'm drunk! I'm really drunk and I don't need this shit!
Detective Ted Johnson
: We'll see you soon, Rick. Ricky
: What do you mean by that? Detective Ted Johnson
: Precisely what I said. That's why I chose the words.
: You guys are under arrest for grand theft swayze train! Ricky
: You're under fuck off for grand fuckin' offin'!
: I think your plan was fucked right off the bat Julien. Why wouldn't you put the alien trevors on a mule and send them over the border like a regular drug dealer ya fuckin idiot! Ricky
: Shut up conky, the train prolly just burnt up in the forest fire Jacob Collins
: Ba ba ba ba ba ba baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam! Ricky
: Jacob! Boys the cigarettes! Conky
: How fuckin' drunk are you right now? Mr. Lahey
: ...6 out of 10.
: SAM. You're buying dope off of *Sam*? Ricky
: Sam's got some serious shit. Julian
: No, what Sam's got is some serious problems, Ricky.
: [on the phone with Trinity
] Hey Munchkin.
: Daddy's bum's fine, honey. Yeah.
: Why are you talkin' so funny?
: Well don't drink any more of it, all right?
: [handing him a crowbar
] Break in. Ricky
: Why do *I* have to break in? Julian
: Because it's all your fault and I'm in charge!
: Do you ever get your head where it just won't shut up and it's talking to itself, 'yap yap yap'. Fuck! What is that? Bubbles
: Thinkin', Ricky. You're thinkin'! Ricky
: That's all that is?
: [dumps the contents of a garbage bin onto Jim Lahey and his car
] Aw, I'm sorry Jim. I thought you were the garbage!
: Right on, DVD. Detroit Velvet Smooth
: That's DVS, motherfucker.
: [J-Roc is caught masturbating
] Turn that shit off, motherfucker! I was gettin' changed, you know what I'm sayin'? I don't want that shit on TV. I don't want motherfuckers seeing me gettin' changed! Bubbles
: Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie! Ricky
: You're on fucking camera, what the fuck were you doing, J-roc? J-Roc
: I was gettin' changed, Motherfucker! Ricky
: Changed, my ass! you were fucking cranking it!
: You're not really marrying Lahey's ex-wife are ya? Ricky
: I don't know, I think so or I don't know! Fu... I don't know! Julian
: Ricky, what do you mean you think so? Ricky
: Look Julian, I was baked out of my fucking mind, it seemed like a good idea at the time alright? It's not everyday somebody fucking asks you to get married, is it? It's pretty fucking cool Julian. Julian
: Listen to me Rick, we're about to sell a huge amount of dope here and get rich, ok? What if you marry her and it doesn't work out? Huh? Ricky
: Marry somebody else? Bubbles
: No I'll tell you what's gonna happen, she can take half your shit man. She can take half your car, half the trailer park, half your video game, she can even take half your cigarettes Ricky. That's not gonna happen man because most of that shit's ours. Bubbles
: Not just that Ricky, but you're supposed to get married to somebody that you think is special, not just somebody that fuckin' fires a lunch together for you and you go and get your freak on with. Do you even love her? Ricky
: Probably. Julian
: Ricky, Lahey will hunt you down. Ok? Go talk to Barb, tell her you were too stoned at the time and you need to think about it.
[Kidnapping Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson
: Hotel Security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here! Ricky
] I may have called him a male prostitute. I don't remember exactly, but very well he could be a male prostitute. You don't know that. But he got pissed off at me, saying 'Oh, you kidnapped me!' It wasn't kidnapping, so if he's gonna say I kidnapped him, I'm gonna call him a male prostitute.
: Thanks Santa's tits!
: Where the hell is my bookel? Jim Lahey
: What the shit is a bookel? Ricky
: It has all my thinks and thoughts in it.
: Alright! I fucked up, Dad, I'm sorry. I mean, we were having a barbeque and the potatoes got fucked up, so we care here to make some french fries, and Lucy started... doing stuff to me and... the next thing you knew we were at the muffler shop, and stuff was happening there... and the cops came, and I got back here and the trailer was gulfing with flames, there's nothing I could do. Ray
: 'The trailer was gulfing with flames'? Ricky
: Yeah! Like flames fucking gulfing, gulfing, gulfing out the roof, out the fucking door, it was gulfing, there was nothing I could do.
: J-Roc, I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optometrist but you gotta keep your eye on randy he's fucking around, he's doin' stuff. I don't trust that fuckin' guy, I don't.
: Knock knock Trevor? Trevor
: I'm not going to say "who's there" man. Ricky
: ...You just did you fucking idiot.
: I'm a hell of a lot better father than you'll ever fuckin' be. Lucy
: You have no idea how stupid you are, do you? Ricky
: Actually, yes I do.
: Who's smoking? Cyrus
: Ricky. Ricky
: Well, he's fucking cheating.
[points at Jacob
: Take a look at his arms and neck. Teacher
: Jacob, I'm disappointed, I'm calling your mother. Cyrus, both of you guys can leave my classroom.
[kicks both Cyrus and Jacob out of the classroom
: Hey, Cyrus, knock, knock! Cyrus
: Who's there? Ricky
: Somebody who just failed grade 10. Cyrus
: Fuck off, I got work to do! Ricky
: Good luck finding a job, since you failed Grade 10, fuckin' idiot. Teacher
: Richard, you're treading on thin ice! Ricky
: Sorry, Miss Hagen.
[Ricky and Julian are having a gun standoff with Cyrus
: And give me those fucking guns too, boys! I gave those to Terry and Dennis for their birthday. Julian
: Guess what? Cyrus
: What? Julian
: This is my gun now, so fuck off! Cyrus
: No, you fuck off! Julian
: No, you fuck off! Cyrus
: No, you fuck off! Ricky
: Cyrus, you fuck off first and then we'll fuck off! Bubbles
: Ricky, just - everybody, we'll all fuck off at the same time. Calm down. Ricky
: I'm not fuckin' off. Cyrus
: Well, then I guess we're gonna fucking stand still, aren't we Ricky? Ricky
: Yeah, I know how to fix that. Cyrus
: How? Ricky
: Fuck off!
: On a scale of one to ten, how tired are you? Cory
: Thirty four.
: [on Julian's answering machine
] Julian. It's Ricky here... just lettin' you know that, uh, I've thought about this, I feel I have no other options, I'm gona go down to Lahey's trailer, I'm gonna break in, and I'm basically probably going to kill Mr Lahey, and I'm thinkin' about killin' Randy as well, and I'm gonna take the porno tape back. I've talked to Bubbles about it and he's probably gonna give me a hand 'cos we both can't have this tape floatin' around, so... anyway, you know, I was kinda countin' on you to maybe help plan this but if you don't want to, that's up to you, just hope you won't feel guilty when me and Bubbles are in jail and you know you could have prevented a murder. Talk to you later.
: You write your little letter to Santa Claus yet, Rick? Ricky
: Thats pretty fucking funny. Actually I did. You know how it starts? Dear Santa Claus: Go Fuck Yourself!
: We're going to need two turnips in heat.
: I cant get stoned Ricky! Ricky
: What do you mean? Its shitty work everybody does that, alright. Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, fucking politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' road. Get stoned, it'll be fun. Get to work.
: Ricky, I was wondering if you would propose to Trinity for me. Ricky
: I would be happy to. Son. Have fun in jail. Say hi to everyone for me.
: Hey guys I found a mushroom that looks like a cock. Ricky
: Trevor will you please stop thinking about cocks for two seconds.
: What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumble bee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?
: It's survival of the fitness.
: Used furniture store is not a bad idea Julian. Keep Lahay and Randy distracted, make a few bucks. Ricky
: Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.
: Once a trailer park boy, always a trailer park boy.
: Make like a tree and fuck off!
: I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky. Ricky
: No more than two weeks, I promise.
: I'm not the kind of person to say atodaso, but you know what? Atodaso! I fuckin' atodaso!
: Ricky, I am your father. Ricky
: No. That's not true. That's impossible. Jim Lahey
: Search your feelings. You know it's true. Ricky
: Noooooooo! No!
: I've met cats and dogs smarter than Trevor and Cory. In fact, most cats and dogs are smarter than Trevor and Cory.
: Let's cut to the chase Rick. There will be no jeopardization of the people in this park. Do you understand that? Ricky