Samuel 'Screech' Powers
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Quotes for
Samuel 'Screech' Powers (Character)
from "Saved by the Bell" (1989)

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"Saved by the Bell: All in the Mall (#3.16)" (1991)
Lisa Turtle: Screech, this is the nicest, sweetest thing you've ever done.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Even nicer than the time I wrote "I love you" in chocolate syrup on your mother's white couch?
Lisa Turtle: Forget the whole thing.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Whoa, Screech! How'd you move up in line so fast?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Old Disneyland tactic. I hid under a fern until I could blend into line.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: You're goofy.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: No, but that's who taught me.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Look, Screech, we've got a little secret to tell you, but you gotta promise to keep it quiet.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Hey, did I ever tell Slater how you filled his locker with tapicoa pudding?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: That was you?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Uhhhhh...
[Snickers]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: We don't have time for that.
[Lisa hands him the bag]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Look, Screech, we want you to buy a lot of tickets 'cause we just found five thousand dollars.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Loudly] Five thousand dollars?
[Lisa puts her hand over his mouth]
Lisa Turtle: [to Screech] Okay?
[He murmurs yes, she removes her hand]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Hmm. Did you have a doughnut for breakfast, Lisa? Your hand tastes good.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, man!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: Urgh!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: I can't believe the concert's sold out.
Kelly Kapowski: I can't believe we gave so much money to that old lady.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Reading a magazine] I can't believe there's a planet of Elvis impersonators on a collision course with Earth.
Lisa Turtle: Can you believe this?
[Hits him with the magazine]

Lisa Turtle: [Loudspeaker announcement has revealed that a new concert has been added due to demand for the first] This is great! We have a second chance to go to the concert!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Better yet, another chance to make a killing selling tickets.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh, no, I'm not sleeping here again. Last night, the security dogs were nipping at my underwear.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: No, Screech, this time, we're all staying so we're guaranteed to be first in line.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Well, wait, how are we gonna pull that off, Preppie?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: I don't know yet. But I do know we have a lot of money and, uh, a lot of hours to kill.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Hey, how about a little advance on tomorrow's profits, huh?
Lisa Turtle: Yeah. Tickle my palm, honey. I've got places to go and shoes to try on.
Kelly Kapowski: And I guess it'd be alright to look at some bathing suits. They were selling them for half off.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh, which half are you gonna buy?
Kelly Kapowski: You know, I've always defended you. But you really are a bozo.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [the girls arrive at the movies, flustered] What's going on?
Lisa Turtle: It's those weird guys, they were following us! We saw them at the boutique!
Kelly Kapowski: They're obviously killers! I mean, we've stolen their money and now we're gonna die! I'll never get married, I'll never have a little white picket fence, I'll never get a letter from Ed McMahon again!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, Kelly, shut up! They're not killers, they're just shoppers. This is a mall, you know.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Yeah. Look, this money's making us paranoid. I'm sure nothing weird is gonna happen while we're in here.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Relax.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Screech enters, dressed in a muscle filled superhero costume] Hi, guys.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Take that back.
Kelly Kapowski: Screech, why are you dressed like that?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: 'Cause they wanted three hundred dollars for the Little Bo Beep costume.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Yeah, but why are you wearing this costume?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Ha. See, that way, when the bad guys come, they won't notice me.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: The only place you wouldn't be noticed is in a nuthouse.
Lisa Turtle: Don't be so sure.

Woman in Film: [the gang are watching a movie] Don't go, Jonathan. I can't live without you.
Man in Film: If you want me to stay, Lydia, let me hear those three special words.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] Oh, Jonathan. Not here. Not now.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In deep voice] Oh, Lydia, don't tease me so. You know how weak I am.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] It doesn't matter, Jonathan. You're rich.
Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: Ssssshhhhh!
[the girls move to the seats in front]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: What? Girls!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What? You gonna move?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Slater places his fake hand between the girls]
[In ghostly voices]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Mwahahahaha!
Lisa Turtle: [Both turn round and swipe at them] You're so infantile, Slater!
Kelly Kapowski: We're trying to watch the movie!
Woman in Film: Oh, Jonathan, I love you. Let's ask the warden to marry us.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In deep voice] Are you proposing to me, my precious flower?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] Oh, yes, darling. You're the only man I ever loved.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In deep voice] Lydia.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] Jonathan.
[the two embrace then laugh]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Can I be the best man?
Lisa Turtle: [Turns round] No, but you can be the dork of honor! Now shut up, I'm trying to watch the movie!
[Zack giggles]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: You can't scare Screechman.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, no? Watch this.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Lisa Turtle: [Turns round, shakes fist then spots the two men] It's them! They're here.
Kelly Kapowski: "Oh, just shopping, it's a mall, you know." Right. I hope they kill you two first!

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Inside tent] Can you please move? Your foot is on my hand.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, your hand is on my foot.
Lisa Turtle: It's dark in here.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: That's alright, my darling, I have X-Ray vision.
[Commotion inside tent]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Ow!
Lisa Turtle: Get rid of that stupid costume!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, officer, officer! I'm glad we found you.
Kelly Kapowski: We need your help.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: These two mob guys are chasing us.
Lisa Turtle: They want this money back that we found here yesterday.
Kelly Kapowski: Or they're gonna kill us!
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Is that a jelly doughnut?
Mall Cop: Yes! Which means I'm on break. Heh. Come back in ten minutes.
Kelly Kapowski: Ten minutes? In ten minutes, we're gonna be wearing cement boots, sleepin' in the ocean with the fishies!

Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Save us from those guys!
Mall Cop: Why should I? I'm with them.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: What?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: I want my Mommy!
Louie: Alright, kids, hand over the dough.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alright. Alright. Here you go, see ya!
Louie: You're not goin' anywhere! We've got a surprise for you.
Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: [Tearfully] We're dead!
Frankie: No, kids, you're on Candid Video!
[Camera crew reveal themselves]
Frankie: Wave to everyone at home!
Kelly Kapowski: [They all wave halfheartedly in disbelief] The television show?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: You mean you've been videotaping this whole thing?
Louie: That's right. The ticket line, the movies, the boutique, everything.
Lisa Turtle: Urgh. Well this is terrible! I was wearing the same outfit for two days!
Mall Cop: And for being guests on our show, Candid Video's gonna give you five front row tickets to the U2 concert!
Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Five front row tickets? Do you know how much money we could get for these?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: *No*!


"Saved by the Bell: The Aftermath (#3.3)" (1991)
Slater: Hey, Preppie, how's it going?
Lisa: Yeah, are you okay?
Jessie: He'll be fine. Just leave him alone.
Zack: What's the big deal? Am I supposed to be upset about something?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, yeah, I mean, after Kelly dumped you the other night, I'm surprised you even got outta bed!
Lisa: Maybe you'll meet somebody at my sweet sixteen party. Now, remember you guys, it's this Saturday. Only five shopping days left.
Zack: It sounds excellent.
Lisa: Well, here's your invitation.
[Hands one to Zack]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Jessie]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Slater, ignoring Screech]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well don't I get one?
Lisa: [pauses] Well, okay, but if you have a previous engagement, I understand. In fact, I'll pay for it!

Miss Simpson: [Miss Simpson is extremely hard of hearing] Good morning, class.
Jessie, Slater, Zack, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa, Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Rest of Class: Good morning, Miss Simpson.
Miss Simpson: I said, "Good morning, class." Didn't your parents teach you any manners?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Uh, Miss Simpson, I have a doctor's appointment today. May I leave class early?
Miss Simpson: Yes, your hair is curly. Now, let's get started. Today, we turn to the romantic poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. So, let's have Bayside's most loved couple recite a poem for us. Zack and Kelly, if you please.
Jessie: No! No, n-I, well, I mean, let's me and Slater read it instead.
Miss Simpson: Oh, Miss Spano, don't be such a ham.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [the guys are in the cinema, watching a movie; Screech notices Kelly and Jeff enter and sit in the back row] Pssst, Slater!
Slater: What?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Slater!
Slater: Hey, shut up, man, I'm trying to watch the movie.
Zack: Yeah, shut up, Screech.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Screech throws popcorn at Slater to get his attention] Eff-jay and Elly-kay.
Slater: [Slater turns round and sees Kelly and Jeff, then turns to Screech] On't-day et-lay ack-Zay ee-say.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: What-ay?
Slater: Oy vey.
Zack: What's goin' on?
Slater: Uh, Screech is startin' to feel real sick.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: I am?
[Slater motions to him]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh, yeah, oh, oh, my pancreas! Oh!
Rest of Audience: Ssssshhhhhh!

Lisa: When I was four years old, my father promised me anything I wanted for my sweet sixteen birthday party.
Jessie: So?
Lisa: So, he let me down!
Jessie: Well, what do you want?
Lisa: MC Hammer.
Jessie: Lisa, aren't you overdoing it a bit?
Lisa: Girl, I turn sixteen once. It's going to be the social event of the season.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Screech joins them] Ah, do you want me to jump out of the cake, babe?
Lisa: No, I'd like you to jump into the cake while it's baking.

Lisa: [Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Sue] I know this girl who would love to go out with you. Her name is Sue, and besides being pretty, she's got a great mind. And she loves to read, so she's got a lot to say.
Sue: So, like, I figured Danielle Steel must be writing all of Jackie Collins' romance novels, because, like, they're all the same!
[Chuckles]
Sue: Well, not exactly the same, I mean, they have to be, like, a little bit different or everybody would know, okay?
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Sue: You know, have you read Hollywood Wives?
Jessie: [Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Cassie, who tips her tub of popcorn up to get to the last of the popcorn] You have got to go out with Cassie. She's got a great personality, and she has an insatiable hunger for life.
Cassie: You know, after the movie, we should go to Antonio's 'cause I have this craving for a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Cassie: [Cassie gasps] I'm out of popcorn!
[Zack gives her his popcorn]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Voiceover] You never met my cousin Kimberly, did you? A lot of guys think she's cute if you like that long-legged, gorgeous, blonde ballerina-type.
Kimberly: Oh, he's so mean! I hope they catch him.
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Kimberly: Oh, no!
[Clutches Zack]
Zack: Kim, how would you feel about a burger after the movie? I know a great place where we can go.

Kelly Kapowski: [Trying to smooth things over] Hi, guys. How ya doin'?
Slater: Okay. I'll have a double cheeseburger.
Jessie: Cheeseburger.
Lisa: Cheeseburger.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Do you have any specials?
[Lisa hits him]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh. Cheeseburger.
Kelly Kapowski: How's Zack doing?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: See? You guys are wrong! She does remember his name.

Zack: [Taking Kimberly into The Max] Well, this is the place. Hey! Look who's here.
[Goes over to the gang's table]
Zack: Kimberly, I want you to meet some of my friends. This is Jessie, this is Slater, this is Lisa, and of course you know Screech.
[Ignores Kelly]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Hey, cuz. Missed you at Aunt Gertrude's birthday party. We played "Pin the Tail on Uncle Fred" again.
Kelly Kapowski: Hi, Zack.
Zack: Oh, hi. Oh, I'm glad you're here. Can you get us a table? Something really romantic.
Kelly Kapowski: Yeah, sure, right this way.
Zack: See you guys later.
Lisa: Wow, look at him! He's really happy.
Slater: [to Screech, after looking at Kimberly] How could *you* be related to *her*?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, she's adopted.
Slater: Oh, that makes sense.

Zack: Would you like to dance?
Kimberly: I'd love to.
Zack: Alright.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Zack chooses song on the jukebox and starts dancing with Kimberly] Whoa. That's A-12. Zack and Kelly's song.
Lisa: Why would he do that? That's so cruel!
Jessie: To get even with her.
Lisa: What a creep. Kelly does not deserve that.
Jessie: And she didn't deserve to be snubbed by us either.
Slater: Right.
Kelly Kapowski: [Kelly returns with the milkshake Zack ordered and hears the song; she puts the milkshake on the table] Excuse me, Zack, can we talk?
Zack: [to Kimberly] This'll only take one second.
[Kisses her]
Zack: So. What's up, Kimber - oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.
Kelly Kapowski: Zack, this is our song, A-12. It's sacred.
Zack: No, no, no. A-12 *was* sacred. Right up until you dumped me for that jerk.
Kelly Kapowski: Don't you dare call him a jerk. You don't even know Jeff, and right now, the only jerk I see is you.
[Slaps him]
Zack: My gosh, can you believe her? I told her I wanted a strawberry shake instead, and she gets all upset.
Kimberly: I heard every word, you creep. How dare you use me to get back at your old girlfriend?
Zack: No, no, wa - oh!
[Kimberly throws the milkshake over him]


"Saved by the Bell: Save the Max (#2.3)" (1990)
Zack: [Talking about bringing back the school's old radio station with Mr. Belding] Sir, we'd like to put KKTY back on the air.
Mr. Belding: What?
Screech: [slowly] We... would... like... to...
Mr. Belding: I heard you!

Lisa: [Talking about Slater's sports broadcast on the radio] Do you think we should be honest and tell him he stinks?
Jessie: How can we without hurting his feelings?
Screech: Why don't we just wave a skunk in front of him?
Screech: You know, Screech, for once you have a good idea?
Kelly: We can't do that. This is Slater's dream.
Jessie: You know, maybe we're being overcritical because we expected him to be better.
Lisa: I hope you're right.
Kelly: I bet the average listener thinks he's just fine.
[Spots three guys walking past the table]
Kelly: Excuse me, what do you guys think of Tiger Radio?
Student #1: Radical!
Student #2: Really cool!
Student #3: The best, man!
Zack: And, uh, what do you think of our sports reporter, A.C. Slater?
Student #1: Awful!
Student #2: The worst!
Student #3: Someone should wave a skunk in front of him.
Screech: [Looking self satisfied] See?

Zack: [Screech brings Zack to the old radio station in the basement of the school] Hey, Screech, I thought I knew every hiding place in this school. How'd you find it?
Screech: Oh, a bully dumped me down the garbage chute. Someday I'm gonna get even with that girl.

Zack: Wow! Look at these posters. Hey, we got the Rolling Stones. Hey, Jimi Hendrix.
Screech: Hey, who are the three guys with Paul McCartney?
Zack: That's the Beatles, you idiot.
Screech: Paul never would've made it if he would've stuck with those wimps.

Kelly: Wow, I haven't seen Max that depressed since the time he made his dog disappear and forgot how to bring Fluffy back.
Zack: I know. I wonder whatever happened to that dog?
Screech: [All except Screech stop and look at their hamburgers in disgust, Screech bites into his] What?

Zack: Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood morning, Bayside! Hey, and all you kids cuttin' school in the Palisades and at the beach, this is Wolfman Zack.
[Points to Screech, who then howls like a wolf]
Zack: Hey, it's Bayside's freshest, hottest, hippest new station, KKTY-FM, Tiger Radio!
[Points to Screech, who then roars like a tiger]
Jessie: [Cuts to Jessie's segment] Bad food hits Bayside, students hit bathrooms. This is Jessie Spano for KKTY News. I caught up with Mr. Belding running out of the cafeteria today, and he assured me that green meat would no longer be served.
Lisa: [Cuts to Lisa's segment] Hi, this is Lisa, your Galloping Gossip, with everyone you wanna know that's none of your business. Flash! Debbie DeMarco's new curves came with Debbie's new sweater.
Kelly Kapowski: [Cuts to Kelly's segment] Hello, this is Kelly Desire. It's evening, the candles are lit, and you're with the one you love. All that's missing is that special romantic song.
[Points to Screech, who puts on a rock 'n' roll record, she grimaces]
Screech: [Cuts to Screech's segment; he speaks with a strange accent] Thunder and lightning raged outside the old Victorian house. There was a scream...
[Screams]
Screech: Evelyn's heart pounded...
[Imitates heart beat by hitting his chest]
Screech: as she slowly opened the bedroom door.
[Imitates creaking door]
Screech: She saw an axe, and recognised the face of...
Zack: [Stops background music] Well, that's all the time we have today. Tune in tomorrow for another excitement installment of...
Screech: Screech's Mystery Theater!
Zack: And now, look alive, sports fans, 'cause on deck it's Tiger Radio's sportiest reporter, A.C. Slater!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In a stilted monotone] Hey. Thanks, Wolfman. Okay. First things first. Let's check out the old scoreboard, huh? I mean, hey, ha, gimme a break, it's not *that* old, right?
[Honks horn, Kelly jumps]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Anyway. In local, uh, high school action, it was - it was, Bayside 5, Valley 4. I guess that means we won, right Math majors?
[Honks horn again]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [a while later, the rest of the gang are all clearly bored and tired] This *is* A.C. Slater. And just remember, fans, in the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it.
[Honks horn, Zack puts music on]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Right. So what do you think?
Zack: [All exchange glances] Uh... we're thinkin' about it.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: See, Preppie. I told you I was good.
[Leaves]
Zack: Hey, guys, I think I know what'd help Slater.
Jessie, Lisa, Kelly Kapowski: What?
Zack: A muzzle.

Jessie: [Lisa and Kelly appear with several copies of the school paper] The school paper just reviewed us!
Lisa: What did they say?
Kelly Kapowski: I dunno, I'm too nervous to look. What if he didn't like my outfit?
Lisa: Lisa, we're on the radio, remember? He can't see us.
Zack: [Each take a paper] Hey, look at this:
[Reading aloud]
Zack: "Tiger Radio really cooks when Wolfman Zack is on the prowl." Hey.
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Jessie Spano has a nose for news. And I smell a winner."
Jessie: [Reading aloud] "Kelly Desire's voice could heat your jacuzzi. The girl is H-O-T."
Kelly Kapowski: [Reading aloud] "Lisa's Galloping Gossip is off to a fast start. She's funny, charming, and a great dresser."
[Looks at Jessie]
Kelly Kapowski: See?
Zack: This guy really liked us.
Jessie: Uh, most of us.
[Reading aloud]
Jessie: "A.C. Slater stinks."
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Someone should wave a skunk in front of him"?
Kelly Kapowski: Poor Slater.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Slater appears] Hey, guys! What's up?
[the others move toward the lockers and stand with their backs to them, hiding the papers]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What are you doing?
Kelly Kapowski, Zack: Uh...
Kelly Kapowski: We're scratching our backs!
Zack: Yeah, you know, there's an itch going through the school.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What?
Screech: Hey, guys! The station just got reviewed!
[Zack groans]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, really? What'd he say about me?
Screech: You stink!


"Saved by the Bell: The Friendship Business (#1.11)" (1989)
Lisa: [Lisa hands Kelly and Jessie bracelets] Here guys, these are for you.
Kelly: Gee, thanks.
Jessie: These are nice.
Lisa: I made these friendship bracelets in Fashion Club.
Screech: Did you make one for me?
Lisa: For you, I'm making a friendship muzzle.
Screech: I'm speechless.
Lisa: That's the idea.

Lisa: Screech, would you like to rejoin the human race?
Screech: You always said I wasn't a member.
Lisa: I'll sneak you in.

Screech: Get your Buddy Bands! Your forehead's naked without one!

Screech: It's all my fault, it's all my fault!
Kelly: Why is it your fault?
Screech: 'Cause I was afraid to blame greedy Miss Jessie. She's bigger than I am.

Kelly: Poor Zack. He looks so alone.
Jessie: Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Screech: Yeah, let's get more fries!


"Saved by the Bell: The Prom (#2.1)" (1990)
Screech: Will you go to the prom with me?
Lisa: Yeah, I'll go.
Screech: You will?
Lisa: I'll go with you when worms have ears.

Screech: [Screech sits beside Lisa in the theater] Guess who?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: [Lisa screams] Ssssshhhh!
Screech: [He has bought popcorn] I got the wide container so both our hands can fit in at once.
Lisa: Um, Screech, would you go get me some chocolate malt balls?
Screech: [Produces a pack of chocolate malt balls] I knew you'd want them!
Lisa: You know, popcorn really makes me thirsty. Do you think you could go and get me...
Screech: [Produces two drinks containers] Cola? Or Uncola?
Lisa: Uncola, please.
Screech: [Puts his arm around her shoulder to give her the drink, she tries to remove his arm] Hey, no arm, no soda.
Lisa: [Watching the film] When do the zombies fall in love?
Screech: Ssh, you'll see.
Lisa: Is that the zombie?
Screech: No, that's his mother-in-law, his mombie.
Lisa: Where's Matt Dillon?
Screech: [sighing] He's not in this movie. Just watch.
Lisa: Look, there's the zombie!
Screech: Sssh!
Lisa: What?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: Quiet!
Lisa: He's cute for a dead guy.
Screech: That's the female zombie. Can't you see she's wearing high heels? You're into fashion.
Lisa: Are you sure Matt Dillon's not in this movie?
Screech: Yes, Alan Thicke is the zombie. Everybody knows that.

Screech: Gee, Lisa, I can't believe we're finally on a date together. Are you having a good time?
[Screech is sitting next to Slater, with the entire gang sitting between Screech and Lisa]
Slater: [Passing the message on to Jessie] Are you having a good time?
Jessie: [Passing the message on to Zack] Are you having a good time?
Zack: [Passing the message on to Kelly] Are you having a good time?
Kelly: [Passing the message on to Lisa] Are you having a good time?
Lisa: Yes!
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Yes!

Lisa: [Smiling] What a great movie, Screech.
[Turns to find his seat empty]
Lisa: Screech? Where are you?
Screech: [He has moved beside Slater] I missed most of the movie 'cause of motor mouth down there.
[to Lisa]
Screech: Next time, go to the movies with Matt Dillon. This has been the worst date of my life! Forget the prom!
[He leaves]
Lisa: Wait - wait a minute. You're not supposed to dump me, *I'm* supposed to dump *you*!
[Follows him out]

Lisa: [Recounting the film] Then, the zombie that looked like Matt Dillon gave a dead rose to the female zombie, and then the male zombie didn't like that at all, so do you know what he did?
Lisa's Date: Probably got earplugs.
Screech: [Overhearing their conversation] Yeah, now you know why I dumped the babe.


"Saved by the Bell: Running Zack (#2.13)" (1990)
Screech: [Zack just won the track meet] Zack, I haven't seen you run that fast since the time you stole Cindy Zefferelli's bathing suit.

Jessie: Lisa, you were great in the 100-yard dash.
Lisa: Oh, thanks, but I owe my victory to Screech.
Screech: You do?
Lisa: Oh yes, I pretended you were chasing me.

Jessie: Zack, what about your ancestors?
Zack: My ancestors? Adam and Eve.
Screech: I didn't know Adam and Eve's last name was Morris.

Zack: [Zack and Screech are looking at a picture of an Indian Zack found in his room] You know, I remember my mom telling me stories about a distant Indian relative.
Screech: Oh, my mom tells me stories about four-eyed monsters hiding in my closet. She should see a doctor, Zack. They're not there.

Zack: [Looking at a picture of an Indian] You know, I bet this Indian could be my ancestor. It's perfect for my family tree presentation. Hey, and you can help me be an Indian.
Screech: How?
Zack: That's a good start!


"Saved by the Bell: The Fabulous Belding Boys (#2.15)" (1990)
Zack: I can't believe it: two Beldings in one school.
Screech: Wow. A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding.

Lisa: [Talking about the school trip] Well, I'm gonna do nothing but kick back and look at beautiful scenery.
Screech: If you want beautiful scenery, baby, wait 'til you see me in a wet T-shirt.
[Chuckles]
Lisa: If it means you're drowning, count me in.

Rod Belding: So, you guys excited about the class trip?
Zack: Oh, man, I can't wait. I mean, imagine, sitting under the stars, cuddling with Kelly around a campfire. Oh.
Screech: I don't need a girl to keep warm. Mom's packing three pairs of long johns. With a lock on the trap door to keep the bears out.

Rod Belding: [Simulating white water rafting] We're headin' for white water! Everybody hold on!
Zack: Hey, Kelly, look at the mountains and the trees.
Kelly: Oh, there's a deer drinking water!
Screech: Where? Where?
Lisa: It's pretend.
Screech: Well, if it's pretend, why am I getting seasick?
[Groans]
Lisa: Because when you were little, your Daddy bounced you on his knee, and the ceiling was low.

Mr. Belding: [Walks in on the guys practicing CPR] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?
Screech: [Jumps up from behind raft, having been pushed out by Lisa] I'm drowning and nobody cares!


"Saved by the Bell: Jessie's Song (#2.9)" (1990)
Lisa: [Kelly and Lisa have just put the song "I'm So Excited" on the jukebox] Hey, Jessie, listen. "I'm So Excited".
[Lisa points to the jukebox playing the song]
Screech: I know you're excited, but try to forget about me.
Lisa: I'll pray for help

Screech: Oh, no. Do I have to wear your Aunt Helen's bra again?

Jessie: Eh, I hate coffee. Suzy, can I have another cup please?
Zack: So why are you drinking it?
Screech: What else is she gonna do with the coffee Zack?
Zack: Use your head as a donut and dunk you in it.
Screech: No way, my head would never fit in the cup.

Kelly: [Screech sneaks into the girl's locker room disguised as an Irish cleaning lady] Who are you?
Screech: Oh, I'm, uh, I'm- Sinead O'Connor.
Kelly: That's a very famous name. You have a hit song in the charts, you know...?
Screech: Oh, uh, that's the other O'Connor. She's my niece. She learned from me.
Lisa: You taught her everything she knows?
Screech: Oh, that I did. Now she can clean toilets with the best of 'em.


"Saved by the Bell: The Last Dance (#3.1)" (1991)
Slater: You are a strange and weird person.
Screech: [Flattered] Oh, thanks for noticing.

Mr. Belding: [Zack has suggested the gang's band play at the ball] Are you kids any good?
Screech: Are you kidding? We're better than MC Hammer.
Lisa: And I'd like to hit you with MC's hammer.

Screech: [Talking about his costume for the ball] Now should I go as Bart Simpson and shave my head or as Al Bundy and shave my back?
Lisa: Why don't you go as "Barf Bundy" and put your head in a bag?

Zack: [to Slater and Screech] Hey, have either of you guys noticed anything different about Kelly at The Max
Screech: Yeah! She's a waitress now!


"Saved by the Bell: Beauty and the Screech (#1.10)" (1989)
Mr. Belding: Screech, you can't elope.
Screech: Who're you calling a cantaloupe, you melon head?

Zack: Kelly, your troubles are over. Screech here has agreed to share his wisdom and tutor you.
Screech: I will be your Yoda.
[to Lisa]
Screech: And I will be your everything.
Lisa: And I will be gone.
[Leaves]

Kelly: Okay, so when do we start?
Screech: Well, tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after Alf.


"Saved by the Bell: No Hope with Dope (#3.21)" (1991)
Screech: Wow, my first Hollywood party. I wonder if the Simpsons are gonna be there?

Kelly: [the "Don't Do Drugs" commercial] Dumb.
Slater: Stupid.
Lisa: Crazy.
Jessie: Dangerous.
Screech: Stinks.
Zack: In one word, would I use dope? Nope.
Brandon Tartikoff: These kids are right. Drugs will your hurt your mind, your body and your life. Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff, chairman of NBC Entertainment, and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: don't do drugs.
Kelly, Slater, Lisa, Jessie, Screech, Zack: There's no hope with dope!

[after Zack and his friends found out Johnny does drugs]
Lisa: [finally speaks to him] You know, when I wanted to talk to you, I couldn't. But now that I can, I don't want to!
Screech: Ditto for me, bub. Tonight, all my Johnny Dakota action figures become lawn mulch!


"Saved by the Bell: Rent-a-Pop (#2.7)" (1990)
Mr. Belding: Alright, let's make this quick. I have a school to run.
Zack: Well, Mr. Belding, I think you're of one the best, no, *the* best Principal in the history of principalisms. Does everybody agree?
Jessie, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, Screech: Oh, yeah!
Mr. Belding: Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Screech: Hey, guys, I got a great idea how to make money for the ski trip. I'll sell my body to science.
Lisa: You'd have to pay 'em to tow it away.

Screech: [Creating a diversion] Wait!
Mr. Belding: Not now, Screech, I'm late for an appointment.
Screech: Mr. Belding, come quick. Someone poisoned the chess team!
Mr. Belding: It's a sick world.


"Saved by the Bell: Pipe Dreams (#3.11)" (1991)
Screech: [to Zack's pet duck] So long, Becky. And remember...
[makes quack sounds, then turns to Zack]
Screech: I heard Donald say that to Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
Zack: And you're screwy.

Screech: [after Zack's duck Becky is caught in the oil spill] Don't worry, Zack, she's where the oil can't hurt her now.

Mr. Belding: My hands are tied, what can I do?
Screech: What can YOU do? You're the principal! Aren't you man enough to scare anyone around here besides the kids?


"Saved by the Bell: The College Years: Pilot (#1.0)" (1993)
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: I know, I know, I was supposed to be in 318, but I pulled some strings. Aren't you proud of me, Zack?
Zack Morris: Uh-huh.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: The three musketeers. Back together again!
A.C. Slater: Well, at least we'll never run out of nasal spray.

Michael Rogers: Hi, I'm Mr. Rogers.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh, I watch you every morning. You're a lot bigger in person.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [to Mike] So, you're kind of like our mom.
Michael Rogers: Your mom? Did your mom play linebacker for the 49'ers?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, she tried to, but she was cut.


"Saved by the Bell: The Mamas and the Papas (#1.12)" (1989)
Screech: [Kelly has just stormed away from Zack] I'm leaving, too! I'll send for my ant farm.

Screech: [Screech and Lisa are simulating a scene from their "marriage"] Oh, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
Lisa: Uh, Lisa no en casa.
Screech: I love it when you speak German.
Lisa: What do you want?
Screech: I was fired today.
Lisa: So?
Screech: I don't think I have the strength to go on living.
Lisa: Okay!

Kelly: Zack, I have that surprise for you.
Zack: You do?
Kelly: Remember in our project I told you about another child? Well, it was a girl.
Zack: A girl? That's great.
Screech: [Lifts dishcover, revealing Screech in a pink bonnet] Da-da!


Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas (1994) (TV)
Bert Banner: Have you two gentlemen ever wondered about the exciting world of male escorts?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Uh... no.

Slater: Best Sports Illustrated swimsuit model?
Zack, Slater, Screech: Elle MacPherson!


"Saved by the Bell: Driver's Education (#2.4)" (1990)
Screech: My Dad let me back the car out of the garage once. Then he got mad at me.
Mr. Tuttle: Well, Screech, your father was probably nervous.
Screech: Well, he had a right to be. I forgot to open the garage door.
Lisa: I hope he has dork insurance.

Screech: Well, Slater, your Malibu Classic, my Valiant. We know what kind of wheels chicks dig.
Jessie: Excuse me, little man, but we are not "chicks".
Slater: She's right, Screech. Listen to the babe.
Jessie: I'm not a "babe".
Slater: And I respect that, Sugar Lips.


"Saved by the Bell: Miss Bayside (#2.8)" (1990)
Screech: Hey, Zack, wanna see me drink a milkshake through my nose?

Zack: Screech, I have something very important to tell you.
Screech: Alf flew back to Melmac?


"Saved by the Bell: The Bayside Triangle (#4.5)" (1992)
Zack: This has gone far enough, look I'm sorry I hurt you, all right?
Screech: Sorry? You're sorry? You were my best friend, Zack. You could've had any other girl in the school... why Lisa? Why'd you have to steal my dream? I hate you!


"Saved by the Bell: Screech's Birthday (#4.19)" (1992)
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Where's the aftershave lotion, Kevin?
Kevin the Robot: We don't have any. You're not using a blade yet.


"Saved by the Bell: Model Students (#2.10)" (1990)
[Lisa, Kelly, and Jessie look at the calendars]
Kelly: Lisa, you're October. I'm November?
Lisa: Well, who's December?
Kelly: [gasps] Mr. Belding is December?
[Mr. Belding's face is shown on a girl's body]
Zack: Ho, ho, ho!
Screech: Well, there's only 11 girls on the swim team, so we had to put Belding's head on one of the girls' bodies.
Jessie: That is MY body!
Slater: Ugh, I'm gonna dream about *Belding* tonight.


"Saved by the Bell: My Boyfriend's Back (#3.8)" (1991)
Leon Carosi: Alright, Staff. I'm going to be away all day on business. Stacey will be in charge in my absence. I expect you to show her the same respect you show me.
Screech: Why? We like Stacey!
[is elbowed by Zack and Slater]


"Saved by the Bell: The Last Weekend (#3.12)" (1991)
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Wondering who his secret admirer is] Oh, come on! Who loves me?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, I do, but only as a friend!


"Saved by the Bell: Rockumentary (#3.22)" (1991)
Screech: [Screech enters with a girl in a cheerleading uniform] Hello, my friends. I've found the meaning of life. Her name's Linda.
Linda: Yay, Linda!
Screech: How are you, Slater?
Slater: Okay.
Linda: Okay, yay! S-L-A-T-E-R, yay, Slater!
Lisa: If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda.
Linda: B-Y-E, bye!


"Saved by the Bell: Earthquake (#4.21)" (1992)
Becky Belding: Richard, uh, I think I'm gonna need something to settle my stomach. Would you order me a ginger ale, with a big scoop of peanut butter?
Screech: Gosh, that's my favorite combination too!
Lisa: Well, Screech, maybe *you're* pregnant.
Screech: Oh, Lisa, don't be ridiculous. I'm not even married!


"Saved by the Bell: Zack's War (#2.2)" (1990)
Butch: Ready to be humiliated, wimp?
Screech: Hey, I'm always ready.


"Saved by the Bell: Boss Lady (#3.10)" (1991)
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: How do you make a Bavarian chocolate cream cake?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: With Bavarian chocolate! Duh!


"Saved by the Bell: Zack's Birthday (#3.2)" (1991)
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Now, may I tell you today's specials? We have linguine, fettuccine or eenie meanie tortellini.
Lisa Turtle: I'll have a salad.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Mixed or greeny?
Lisa Turtle: Greeny.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Large or teeny?
Lisa Turtle: Will you get outta here, ya weenie?


"Saved by the Bell: School Song (#4.24)" (1992)
Screech: [the gang rewrites the words to Screech's corny school song before the final performance] There you are, you butchers! You've totally changed my song!
Lisa: No, we didn't, Screech. It's still about Bayside.
Slater: Yeah, and we used most of the words you did. "The", "and", "it". "Bayside".
Screech: Oh. Well in that case, it's okay then.


"Saved by the Bell: The New Class: Welcome to Bayside (#3.1)" (1995)
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Our school district has been expanded this summer to include 100 new students. Valley High School students. Now were one big happy family!
Rachel Meyers: But you can't let Maria Lopez go to school here. Just last year at the Homcoming game she was screaming "Bayside sucks"!
Maria Lopez: [sarcastic] It's a done deal. Get used to it.


"Saved by the Bell: Mystery Weekend (#3.26)" (1991)
Screech: Lisa, don't drink that!
[Lisa spits out her water]
Screech: It might be poison!
Lisa: You're right, *You* drink it!
[hands glass to Screech]
Screech: [sips] Hm. Tastes fine to me; I'll live!
Lisa, Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Darn!


"Saved by the Bell: Cream for a Day (#1.8)" (1989)
Screech: Zack, quick, you've gotta help me. My worst nightmare has come true.
Zack: You found out Alf was a puppet?
Screech: He is?


"Saved by the Bell: Fatal Distraction (#1.4)" (1989)
Screech: [Dressed as Michael Jackson, in a high voice] I'm not like other boys.
Lisa: You're not like anything on this planet, you dork!


"Saved by the Bell: Palm Springs Weekend: Part 1 (#3.18)" (1991)
[about to get on a ferry cannal boat]
Screech: Lisa, you by any chance have seasick pills on you?
Lisa: Oh, you ninny, it's only three feet of water!
Screech: So what? I get seasick in the bathtub!


"Saved by the Bell: The College Years: Bedside Manner (#1.15)" (1994)
Zack Morris: I feel like I've been tortured. I've been examined and felt from head to toe. With these doctors were the germs I would have told them what D-Day was.
Samuel "Screech" Powers: Well, I'll let you rest before we start the next series of tests on you.
Zack Morris: More tests? You've examined and looked at every part of my body. There's no place left for them to look.
Samuel "Screech" Powers: Oh, yes there isssss!


"Saved by the Bell: Snow White and the Seven Dorks (#4.20)" (1992)
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [raps] Yo, I'm the prince and I'm a handsome sight. Who's this I see? Is it Miss Snow White? Her lips I can reach, so I'm glad I did show up.
Lisa Turtle: If I have to kiss Screech, I think I'm gonna throw up!
[Lisa runs off in disgust]


"Saved by the Bell: Aloha Slater (#1.6)" (1989)
[Screech is walking scrunched down near the floor]
Zack: I'm sorry you were stuck in the file cabinet for so long.
Screech: That's okay, just paint me blue and call me a Smurf.


"Saved by the Bell: The New Class: The People's Choice (#2.7)" (1994)
Tommy 'D' De Luca: This burger bites.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [debating on school newspaper] I think we've found our food critic.


"Saved by the Bell: The College Years: A Thanksgiving Story (#1.10)" (1993)
Michael Rogers: Those turkeys are frozen! I ordered you to buy pre-cooked turkeys.
Samuel "Screech" Powers: I know. But I saved you $47.95 by purchasing frozen turkeys. They're cheaper. You know what you can do with that extra money?
Michael Rogers: Yes, I could hire a hit man to kill you!


"Saved by the Bell: Slater's Friend (#4.23)" (1992)
Kelly Kapowski: [Looking at Artie] Aww, he looks so peaceful when he sleeps.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, please. You're going gaga over something that burps bugs.
Jessie Spano: I think he looks a little pale.
Kelly Kapowski: Maybe he's sick.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Why would he be sick? Hey, Screech, come here. Take a peek at Artie. Does he look any different to you?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: No.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: See?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Except for the fact that he's dead.


"Saved by the Bell: From Nurse to Worse (#2.16)" (1990)
Jessie: I need an honest answer. How do I look in these frames?
[Puts on glasses]
Lisa: Ridiculous! You're lucky you don't have to wear 'em.
Kelly: Well I don't think they're that bad.
Jessie: Thanks, Kelly.
Screech: Hey, nice glasses, Jessie!
Jessie: Oh, do you really like them?
Screech: Yeah, all my grandmother's friends wear the same kind!


"Saved by the Bell: The Substitute (#1.7)" (1989)
Zack: We had to come up with a plan. Her name is Vicki. She's an actress.
Vicki: Where's my money?
Zack: A professional actress. Or you might remember as the third pepperoni on the dancing pizza commercial.
Screech: I love your work.


"Saved by the Bell: Video Yearbook (#4.18)" (1992)
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [after Screech messes up with the dating video] You are, without a doubt, the dumbest human being on Earth!
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, you hired me, what does that make *you*?


"Saved by the Bell: Fake ID's (#3.9)" (1991)
[Zack meets a college girl and lies about his age]
Slater: [smiling] So what happened, Preppie? Did she turn you down?
Zack: Guess again, my high school friend. She and I just agreed to get together and meet at "The Attic".
Screech: Wow, the attic. That is cool. There could be bats up there.
Slater: YOU'RE bats, screech. "The Attic" is an 'over 18' club, and Zack's only 16.
Zack: That may be true, Slater. But by tomorrow morning, we'll all be 18.
Screech: Oh no. Mom said I have to move out at 18. I gotta look for a place.