Lisa Turtle
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Quotes for
Lisa Turtle (Character)
from "Saved by the Bell" (1989)

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"Saved by the Bell: All in the Mall (#3.16)" (1991)
Kelly Kapowski: Wow, look at this line.
Lisa Turtle: [sigh] Man, we'll never get tickets to the U2 concert.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, ye of little faith.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: That's right. Yeah, we told you we had a plan. Hey, have I ever let you guys down before?
Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: Yeah!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: When?
Lisa Turtle: The time you snuck us into the drive-in movie in the trunk of your car.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: So I forgot the trunk key! You still got to hear the movie.
Kelly Kapowski: But it was a Japanese movie!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, I tried to read the subtitles as fast as I could.

Kelly Kapowski: [the gang have gone to the front of the line, where Screech is asleep] Hey, how did Screech get ahead of the line?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [Sniggers] He slept here all night.
Lisa Turtle: How'd you get him to do that?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Simple. We bribed him with a new teddy bear.

Lisa Turtle: Screech, this is the nicest, sweetest thing you've ever done.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Even nicer than the time I wrote "I love you" in chocolate syrup on your mother's white couch?
Lisa Turtle: Forget the whole thing.

Lisa Turtle: Hi, guys!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, Lisa. So, how are things going with you and the shoe salesman?
Lisa Turtle: Oh, they're lookin' good. Eddie wants to give me a ride in his Air Jordans.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: How many pairs of shoes did you buy, Lisa?
Lisa Turtle: Oh, just three. I'm on a tight budget.

Lisa Turtle: [Finds a bag] Hey, whose bag is this?
Kelly Kapowski: Not mine.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: It's not mine.
Lisa Turtle: Whoa, Mama!
Kelly Kapowski, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater, Zachary 'Zack' Morris: *Whoa*, Mama!
Kelly Kapowski: Is that real money?
Lisa Turtle: [Smells the money] Smells like it.
[Holds money to her ear and ruffles it]
Lisa Turtle: Sounds like five thousand, give or take a twenty.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, yes! Yes! This is going to be a good day after all.
Kelly Kapowski: Wait a second. I mean, this isn't our money. I mean, some poor person lost it and we have to return it.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, get real, Kelly, what poor person has five thousand dollars?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Well, if they weren't poor before, they're poor now.
Kelly Kapowski: We can't keep this. It's somebody else's money.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alright, alright, let's be fair. I mean, if it is someone's money, we should give them time to reclaim it. Agreed?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Alright.
Lisa Turtle: Yeah.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Okay, good, good. Then I hereby invoke the five foot, five second rule.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: The what?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: If no-one is within five feet of this money when I count to five, it's ours. Huh? One, two, three, four...
Kelly Kapowski: Cut it out, Zack. We have to ask around and see if anybody lost five thousand dollars.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Okay, okay.
[Whispering]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Has anybody lost five thousand dollars?
Lisa Turtle: Look, I don't know what you two are arguing about. This is my money. I'm the one who found the bag.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Wha - Your money? You never would've found the bag if Zack and I didn't slide over so you could sit down.
Lisa Turtle: Okay, I'll split it with you.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alri-i-i-i-i-ight!
Kelly Kapowski: Split it with them? There wouldn't be a bag to find if I didn't sit at this bench. You'd still be rattling on about Eddie and his Air Jordans!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Whoa, Screech! How'd you move up in line so fast?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Old Disneyland tactic. I hid under a fern until I could blend into line.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: You're goofy.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: No, but that's who taught me.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Look, Screech, we've got a little secret to tell you, but you gotta promise to keep it quiet.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Hey, did I ever tell Slater how you filled his locker with tapicoa pudding?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: That was you?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Uhhhhh...
[Snickers]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: We don't have time for that.
[Lisa hands him the bag]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Look, Screech, we want you to buy a lot of tickets 'cause we just found five thousand dollars.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Loudly] Five thousand dollars?
[Lisa puts her hand over his mouth]
Lisa Turtle: [to Screech] Okay?
[He murmurs yes, she removes her hand]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Hmm. Did you have a doughnut for breakfast, Lisa? Your hand tastes good.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, man!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: Urgh!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: I can't believe the concert's sold out.
Kelly Kapowski: I can't believe we gave so much money to that old lady.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Reading a magazine] I can't believe there's a planet of Elvis impersonators on a collision course with Earth.
Lisa Turtle: Can you believe this?
[Hits him with the magazine]

Lisa Turtle: [Loudspeaker announcement has revealed that a new concert has been added due to demand for the first] This is great! We have a second chance to go to the concert!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Better yet, another chance to make a killing selling tickets.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh, no, I'm not sleeping here again. Last night, the security dogs were nipping at my underwear.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: No, Screech, this time, we're all staying so we're guaranteed to be first in line.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Well, wait, how are we gonna pull that off, Preppie?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: I don't know yet. But I do know we have a lot of money and, uh, a lot of hours to kill.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Hey, how about a little advance on tomorrow's profits, huh?
Lisa Turtle: Yeah. Tickle my palm, honey. I've got places to go and shoes to try on.
Kelly Kapowski: And I guess it'd be alright to look at some bathing suits. They were selling them for half off.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh, which half are you gonna buy?
Kelly Kapowski: You know, I've always defended you. But you really are a bozo.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [the girls arrive at the movies, flustered] What's going on?
Lisa Turtle: It's those weird guys, they were following us! We saw them at the boutique!
Kelly Kapowski: They're obviously killers! I mean, we've stolen their money and now we're gonna die! I'll never get married, I'll never have a little white picket fence, I'll never get a letter from Ed McMahon again!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, Kelly, shut up! They're not killers, they're just shoppers. This is a mall, you know.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Yeah. Look, this money's making us paranoid. I'm sure nothing weird is gonna happen while we're in here.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Relax.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Screech enters, dressed in a muscle filled superhero costume] Hi, guys.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Take that back.
Kelly Kapowski: Screech, why are you dressed like that?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: 'Cause they wanted three hundred dollars for the Little Bo Beep costume.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Yeah, but why are you wearing this costume?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Ha. See, that way, when the bad guys come, they won't notice me.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: The only place you wouldn't be noticed is in a nuthouse.
Lisa Turtle: Don't be so sure.

Woman in Film: [the gang are watching a movie] Don't go, Jonathan. I can't live without you.
Man in Film: If you want me to stay, Lydia, let me hear those three special words.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] Oh, Jonathan. Not here. Not now.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In deep voice] Oh, Lydia, don't tease me so. You know how weak I am.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] It doesn't matter, Jonathan. You're rich.
Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: Ssssshhhhh!
[the girls move to the seats in front]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: What? Girls!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What? You gonna move?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Slater places his fake hand between the girls]
[In ghostly voices]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Mwahahahaha!
Lisa Turtle: [Both turn round and swipe at them] You're so infantile, Slater!
Kelly Kapowski: We're trying to watch the movie!
Woman in Film: Oh, Jonathan, I love you. Let's ask the warden to marry us.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In deep voice] Are you proposing to me, my precious flower?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] Oh, yes, darling. You're the only man I ever loved.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In deep voice] Lydia.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] Jonathan.
[the two embrace then laugh]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Can I be the best man?
Lisa Turtle: [Turns round] No, but you can be the dork of honor! Now shut up, I'm trying to watch the movie!
[Zack giggles]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: You can't scare Screechman.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, no? Watch this.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Lisa Turtle: [Turns round, shakes fist then spots the two men] It's them! They're here.
Kelly Kapowski: "Oh, just shopping, it's a mall, you know." Right. I hope they kill you two first!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Look, it's almost closing time. We've gotta find a place to sleep.
Lisa Turtle: We're sleeping here? Couldn't we find someplace else? Like the Beverly Hills Hotel?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Inside tent] Can you please move? Your foot is on my hand.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, your hand is on my foot.
Lisa Turtle: It's dark in here.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: That's alright, my darling, I have X-Ray vision.
[Commotion inside tent]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Ow!
Lisa Turtle: Get rid of that stupid costume!

Kelly Kapowski: [the gang have discovered the money is gone] How could it just disappear?
Lisa Turtle: [Holding shoe in her hand] How could I buy these *ugly* shoes?

Eddie: Lisa, I've missed you.
Lisa Turtle: Can the jive, Eddie. My friend and I wanna try on every shoe you have in this store. So get some help, honey, 'cause we got work to do.

Kelly Kapowski: We have checked every box in the store! Where could it be?
Old Woman: [Zack spots an unopened box and reaches for it at the same time as the old woman from earlier] You again?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, good morning, ma'am. I'll be taking this if you don't mind.
Old Woman: Over my dead body!
Lisa Turtle: [Pointing into the distance] Look! There's Kevin Costner!
Old Woman: Where?
[She leaves]

Kelly Kapowski: [the gang are dressed in the outfits the wedding store mannequins had on] We should've returned the money right when we found it! Lisa, why'd you have to be so nosey and pick up that bag?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Yeah!
Lisa Turtle: Hey, don't blame this on me! Zack's the one with all the bright ideas!
[Suddenly smiling]
Lisa Turtle: Hey, Kelly, is my corsage on straight?
Kelly Kapowski: [Smiling] Yeah, it looks great!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, officer, officer! I'm glad we found you.
Kelly Kapowski: We need your help.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: These two mob guys are chasing us.
Lisa Turtle: They want this money back that we found here yesterday.
Kelly Kapowski: Or they're gonna kill us!
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Is that a jelly doughnut?
Mall Cop: Yes! Which means I'm on break. Heh. Come back in ten minutes.
Kelly Kapowski: Ten minutes? In ten minutes, we're gonna be wearing cement boots, sleepin' in the ocean with the fishies!

Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Save us from those guys!
Mall Cop: Why should I? I'm with them.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: What?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: I want my Mommy!
Louie: Alright, kids, hand over the dough.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alright. Alright. Here you go, see ya!
Louie: You're not goin' anywhere! We've got a surprise for you.
Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: [Tearfully] We're dead!
Frankie: No, kids, you're on Candid Video!
[Camera crew reveal themselves]
Frankie: Wave to everyone at home!
Kelly Kapowski: [They all wave halfheartedly in disbelief] The television show?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: You mean you've been videotaping this whole thing?
Louie: That's right. The ticket line, the movies, the boutique, everything.
Lisa Turtle: Urgh. Well this is terrible! I was wearing the same outfit for two days!
Mall Cop: And for being guests on our show, Candid Video's gonna give you five front row tickets to the U2 concert!
Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Five front row tickets? Do you know how much money we could get for these?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: *No*!


"Saved by the Bell: The Aftermath (#3.3)" (1991)
Jessie: Zack, that's not fair. Don't make us choose between you and Kelly.
Slater: Yeah, you're way out of line.
Zack: Oh, and she wasn't way out of line when she smacked me?
Lisa: Honey, if I were Kelly, you'd still be pullin' a hairbrush out your ear, now don't get me started!
[Snaps fingers]

Slater: Hey, Preppie, how's it going?
Lisa: Yeah, are you okay?
Jessie: He'll be fine. Just leave him alone.
Zack: What's the big deal? Am I supposed to be upset about something?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, yeah, I mean, after Kelly dumped you the other night, I'm surprised you even got outta bed!
Lisa: Maybe you'll meet somebody at my sweet sixteen party. Now, remember you guys, it's this Saturday. Only five shopping days left.
Zack: It sounds excellent.
Lisa: Well, here's your invitation.
[Hands one to Zack]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Jessie]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Slater, ignoring Screech]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well don't I get one?
Lisa: [pauses] Well, okay, but if you have a previous engagement, I understand. In fact, I'll pay for it!

Lisa: Hey, Kelly!
Kelly Kapowski: Hey!
Lisa: Here's an invitation to my party.
Kelly Kapowski: Thanks.
Lisa: And here's a list of all my favorite stores in the mall.

Miss Simpson: [Miss Simpson is extremely hard of hearing] Good morning, class.
Jessie, Slater, Zack, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa, Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Rest of Class: Good morning, Miss Simpson.
Miss Simpson: I said, "Good morning, class." Didn't your parents teach you any manners?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Uh, Miss Simpson, I have a doctor's appointment today. May I leave class early?
Miss Simpson: Yes, your hair is curly. Now, let's get started. Today, we turn to the romantic poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. So, let's have Bayside's most loved couple recite a poem for us. Zack and Kelly, if you please.
Jessie: No! No, n-I, well, I mean, let's me and Slater read it instead.
Miss Simpson: Oh, Miss Spano, don't be such a ham.

Lisa: When I was four years old, my father promised me anything I wanted for my sweet sixteen birthday party.
Jessie: So?
Lisa: So, he let me down!
Jessie: Well, what do you want?
Lisa: MC Hammer.
Jessie: Lisa, aren't you overdoing it a bit?
Lisa: Girl, I turn sixteen once. It's going to be the social event of the season.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Screech joins them] Ah, do you want me to jump out of the cake, babe?
Lisa: No, I'd like you to jump into the cake while it's baking.

Lisa: Why are you ruining Zack's life?
Kelly Kapowski: Whoa, what are you talking about?
Jessie: Zack was at the movies last night.
Kelly Kapowski: People go to the movies all the time.
Lisa: But not all of them make out in front of their ex-boyfriends.
Kelly Kapowski: We were *not* making out. We were just cuddling.
Jessie: You know, Kelly, I'd hoped you'd be a little more sensitive. You know, at least you've got somebody.
Lisa: Yeah.
Kelly Kapowski: What am I supposed to do? Call ahead before I go anyplace to see if Zack's there?
Lisa, Jessie: Yes!
Kelly Kapowski: You know, you're the one who told me to be honest about Jeff. And now you're telling me to hide it?
Lisa, Jessie: *Yes*!
Kelly Kapowski: If you two are sharing a brain, why don't you get one that works?

Lisa: [Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Sue] I know this girl who would love to go out with you. Her name is Sue, and besides being pretty, she's got a great mind. And she loves to read, so she's got a lot to say.
Sue: So, like, I figured Danielle Steel must be writing all of Jackie Collins' romance novels, because, like, they're all the same!
[Chuckles]
Sue: Well, not exactly the same, I mean, they have to be, like, a little bit different or everybody would know, okay?
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Sue: You know, have you read Hollywood Wives?
Jessie: [Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Cassie, who tips her tub of popcorn up to get to the last of the popcorn] You have got to go out with Cassie. She's got a great personality, and she has an insatiable hunger for life.
Cassie: You know, after the movie, we should go to Antonio's 'cause I have this craving for a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Cassie: [Cassie gasps] I'm out of popcorn!
[Zack gives her his popcorn]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Voiceover] You never met my cousin Kimberly, did you? A lot of guys think she's cute if you like that long-legged, gorgeous, blonde ballerina-type.
Kimberly: Oh, he's so mean! I hope they catch him.
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Kimberly: Oh, no!
[Clutches Zack]
Zack: Kim, how would you feel about a burger after the movie? I know a great place where we can go.

Kelly Kapowski: [Trying to smooth things over] Hi, guys. How ya doin'?
Slater: Okay. I'll have a double cheeseburger.
Jessie: Cheeseburger.
Lisa: Cheeseburger.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Do you have any specials?
[Lisa hits him]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh. Cheeseburger.
Kelly Kapowski: How's Zack doing?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: See? You guys are wrong! She does remember his name.

Zack: [Taking Kimberly into The Max] Well, this is the place. Hey! Look who's here.
[Goes over to the gang's table]
Zack: Kimberly, I want you to meet some of my friends. This is Jessie, this is Slater, this is Lisa, and of course you know Screech.
[Ignores Kelly]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Hey, cuz. Missed you at Aunt Gertrude's birthday party. We played "Pin the Tail on Uncle Fred" again.
Kelly Kapowski: Hi, Zack.
Zack: Oh, hi. Oh, I'm glad you're here. Can you get us a table? Something really romantic.
Kelly Kapowski: Yeah, sure, right this way.
Zack: See you guys later.
Lisa: Wow, look at him! He's really happy.
Slater: [to Screech, after looking at Kimberly] How could *you* be related to *her*?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, she's adopted.
Slater: Oh, that makes sense.

Zack: Would you like to dance?
Kimberly: I'd love to.
Zack: Alright.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Zack chooses song on the jukebox and starts dancing with Kimberly] Whoa. That's A-12. Zack and Kelly's song.
Lisa: Why would he do that? That's so cruel!
Jessie: To get even with her.
Lisa: What a creep. Kelly does not deserve that.
Jessie: And she didn't deserve to be snubbed by us either.
Slater: Right.
Kelly Kapowski: [Kelly returns with the milkshake Zack ordered and hears the song; she puts the milkshake on the table] Excuse me, Zack, can we talk?
Zack: [to Kimberly] This'll only take one second.
[Kisses her]
Zack: So. What's up, Kimber - oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.
Kelly Kapowski: Zack, this is our song, A-12. It's sacred.
Zack: No, no, no. A-12 *was* sacred. Right up until you dumped me for that jerk.
Kelly Kapowski: Don't you dare call him a jerk. You don't even know Jeff, and right now, the only jerk I see is you.
[Slaps him]
Zack: My gosh, can you believe her? I told her I wanted a strawberry shake instead, and she gets all upset.
Kimberly: I heard every word, you creep. How dare you use me to get back at your old girlfriend?
Zack: No, no, wa - oh!
[Kimberly throws the milkshake over him]


"Saved by the Bell: Driver's Education (#2.4)" (1990)
Screech: My Dad let me back the car out of the garage once. Then he got mad at me.
Mr. Tuttle: Well, Screech, your father was probably nervous.
Screech: Well, he had a right to be. I forgot to open the garage door.
Lisa: I hope he has dork insurance.

Mr. Tuttle: [Teaching Driver's Ed class] Now, Jessie, what's the speed limit on most freeways? You know this one, you know this one, you know this one.
Jessie: 55 miles per hour.
Mr. Tuttle: Excellent! I wish you were my child. Now, can you pass someone over a double yellow line? Kelly.
Kelly: No, you can't.
Mr. Tuttle: This is why I went into teaching! Okay, Lisa, listen up. Why do you put your left arm straight out the window?
Lisa: That's easy: to dry your nails.

Mr. Tuttle: Miss Turtle, what's the first thing we do when we get behind the wheel?
Lisa: Adjust the mirrors.
Mr. Tuttle: Correct! And for what purpose?
Lisa: To check my make-up.
Mr. Tuttle: Miss Turtle, I suggest you either study harder, or start practicing how to say: "Taxi!"

Zack: Why's everybody so down?
Jessie Spano: None of us have enough money for a car.
Zack: Well, I'm gonna drive my father's Porsche when I turn 16.
Lisa: Ha! Slip into your PJs, baby, 'cause you're dreamin'.

Slater: [Entering garage] I just couldn't believe it when I saw it on the lot. It's exactly the car I wanted.
[Turns lights on, revealing old, beaten up car]
Slater: Well? What do you think?
Lisa: Uh, it's, uh... nice. Really nice... really.
[Turns to Jessie]
Jessie: Yeah... it's, it's, uh... all Lisa said. Gosh, it's got a licence play holder too.
[Licence plate holder falls off]

Slater: We were gonna confess, and Zack was behind it the whole time.
Kelly: Yeah, he should be the one to confess.
Lisa: Fat chance. You'd have an easier time trying to get that thing off Gorbachev's head.

Lisa: [Waiting for Mr. Belding to arrive] I'm so nervous my make-up is cracking.
Kelly: Why are you nervous? You didn't do anything.
Lisa: Oh, yeah, right!


"Saved by the Bell: Zack's War (#2.2)" (1990)
Mr. Belding: I'd like to introduce to you Lieutenant Chet Adams.
Kelly: [Lisa wolf whistles] Lisa, what are you doing?
Lisa: I can't help it. He is so hot.
Lt. Chet Adams: Are you alright, young lady?
Lisa: Yes, Lieutenant Hot.

Lt. Chet Adams: Hope I'll be seeing some of you soon.
Lisa: Oh, you will, honey.

Lt. Chet Adams: Good morning, Lisa, Kelly.
Lisa: How could it be good? Look at the way I am dressed!
Lt. Chet Adams: Think you look terrific.
Lisa: I'm beginning to love the Army!

Lisa: [Screech is leaning on her] Will you get off my back? Now I have to burn my clothes!

Lisa: [Hearing Jessie took nine seconds on the monkey bars] Nine seconds? I can't even get to the bottom of my purse in nine seconds.

Lt. Chet Adams: Way to go, Lisa.
Lisa: Thank you, Lieutenant. By the way, are you married?
Lt. Chet Adams: By the way, yes.
Lisa: By the way, adios.


"Saved by the Bell: The Prom (#2.1)" (1990)
Screech: Will you go to the prom with me?
Lisa: Yeah, I'll go.
Screech: You will?
Lisa: I'll go with you when worms have ears.

Lisa: Okay, now we have exactly 214 minutes to shop at the Palisades Mall before dinner.
[Pulls scroll down from inside her locker, revealing a map of the mall]
Lisa: Here's our route.
Jessie: You have a map of the mall?
Lisa: I have a map of every mall from here to Tijuana.
Kelly: Um, Lisa, I can't go to the mall with you.
Lisa: Why?
Kelly: I'm not going to the prom.
Jessie: Oh, no. Don't tell me Slater killed Zack?

Screech: [Screech sits beside Lisa in the theater] Guess who?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: [Lisa screams] Ssssshhhh!
Screech: [He has bought popcorn] I got the wide container so both our hands can fit in at once.
Lisa: Um, Screech, would you go get me some chocolate malt balls?
Screech: [Produces a pack of chocolate malt balls] I knew you'd want them!
Lisa: You know, popcorn really makes me thirsty. Do you think you could go and get me...
Screech: [Produces two drinks containers] Cola? Or Uncola?
Lisa: Uncola, please.
Screech: [Puts his arm around her shoulder to give her the drink, she tries to remove his arm] Hey, no arm, no soda.
Lisa: [Watching the film] When do the zombies fall in love?
Screech: Ssh, you'll see.
Lisa: Is that the zombie?
Screech: No, that's his mother-in-law, his mombie.
Lisa: Where's Matt Dillon?
Screech: [sighing] He's not in this movie. Just watch.
Lisa: Look, there's the zombie!
Screech: Sssh!
Lisa: What?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: Quiet!
Lisa: He's cute for a dead guy.
Screech: That's the female zombie. Can't you see she's wearing high heels? You're into fashion.
Lisa: Are you sure Matt Dillon's not in this movie?
Screech: Yes, Alan Thicke is the zombie. Everybody knows that.

Screech: Gee, Lisa, I can't believe we're finally on a date together. Are you having a good time?
[Screech is sitting next to Slater, with the entire gang sitting between Screech and Lisa]
Slater: [Passing the message on to Jessie] Are you having a good time?
Jessie: [Passing the message on to Zack] Are you having a good time?
Zack: [Passing the message on to Kelly] Are you having a good time?
Kelly: [Passing the message on to Lisa] Are you having a good time?
Lisa: Yes!
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Yes!

Lisa: [Smiling] What a great movie, Screech.
[Turns to find his seat empty]
Lisa: Screech? Where are you?
Screech: [He has moved beside Slater] I missed most of the movie 'cause of motor mouth down there.
[to Lisa]
Screech: Next time, go to the movies with Matt Dillon. This has been the worst date of my life! Forget the prom!
[He leaves]
Lisa: Wait - wait a minute. You're not supposed to dump me, *I'm* supposed to dump *you*!
[Follows him out]

Lisa: [Recounting the film] Then, the zombie that looked like Matt Dillon gave a dead rose to the female zombie, and then the male zombie didn't like that at all, so do you know what he did?
Lisa's Date: Probably got earplugs.
Screech: [Overhearing their conversation] Yeah, now you know why I dumped the babe.


"Saved by the Bell: The Last Dance (#3.1)" (1991)
Mr. Belding: [Zack has suggested the gang's band play at the ball] Are you kids any good?
Screech: Are you kidding? We're better than MC Hammer.
Lisa: And I'd like to hit you with MC's hammer.

Zack: I just can't stop thinking about Kelly.
Lisa: Well I can't stop thinking about Denzel Washington, but I'm still able to live my life.

Screech: [Talking about his costume for the ball] Now should I go as Bart Simpson and shave my head or as Al Bundy and shave my back?
Lisa: Why don't you go as "Barf Bundy" and put your head in a bag?

Jeff: [after Kelly says her break is almost over] Oh, there's no rush, Kelly. Take as much time as you want.
Zack: Alright!
Lisa: Ha-hey, nice boss!
[to Jeff]
Lisa: You know, if I ever have to work, which I never plan on doing, I hope it's for you.


"Saved by the Bell: Save the Max (#2.3)" (1990)
Lisa: [Talking about Slater's sports broadcast on the radio] Do you think we should be honest and tell him he stinks?
Jessie: How can we without hurting his feelings?
Screech: Why don't we just wave a skunk in front of him?
Screech: You know, Screech, for once you have a good idea?
Kelly: We can't do that. This is Slater's dream.
Jessie: You know, maybe we're being overcritical because we expected him to be better.
Lisa: I hope you're right.
Kelly: I bet the average listener thinks he's just fine.
[Spots three guys walking past the table]
Kelly: Excuse me, what do you guys think of Tiger Radio?
Student #1: Radical!
Student #2: Really cool!
Student #3: The best, man!
Zack: And, uh, what do you think of our sports reporter, A.C. Slater?
Student #1: Awful!
Student #2: The worst!
Student #3: Someone should wave a skunk in front of him.
Screech: [Looking self satisfied] See?

Jessie: You were the Big Bopper?
Mr. Belding: I was the Master Blaster. The Boss.
Lisa: I thought Springsteen was the Boss.
Mr. Belding: Nah, he stole it from me.

Zack: Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood morning, Bayside! Hey, and all you kids cuttin' school in the Palisades and at the beach, this is Wolfman Zack.
[Points to Screech, who then howls like a wolf]
Zack: Hey, it's Bayside's freshest, hottest, hippest new station, KKTY-FM, Tiger Radio!
[Points to Screech, who then roars like a tiger]
Jessie: [Cuts to Jessie's segment] Bad food hits Bayside, students hit bathrooms. This is Jessie Spano for KKTY News. I caught up with Mr. Belding running out of the cafeteria today, and he assured me that green meat would no longer be served.
Lisa: [Cuts to Lisa's segment] Hi, this is Lisa, your Galloping Gossip, with everyone you wanna know that's none of your business. Flash! Debbie DeMarco's new curves came with Debbie's new sweater.
Kelly Kapowski: [Cuts to Kelly's segment] Hello, this is Kelly Desire. It's evening, the candles are lit, and you're with the one you love. All that's missing is that special romantic song.
[Points to Screech, who puts on a rock 'n' roll record, she grimaces]
Screech: [Cuts to Screech's segment; he speaks with a strange accent] Thunder and lightning raged outside the old Victorian house. There was a scream...
[Screams]
Screech: Evelyn's heart pounded...
[Imitates heart beat by hitting his chest]
Screech: as she slowly opened the bedroom door.
[Imitates creaking door]
Screech: She saw an axe, and recognised the face of...
Zack: [Stops background music] Well, that's all the time we have today. Tune in tomorrow for another excitement installment of...
Screech: Screech's Mystery Theater!
Zack: And now, look alive, sports fans, 'cause on deck it's Tiger Radio's sportiest reporter, A.C. Slater!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In a stilted monotone] Hey. Thanks, Wolfman. Okay. First things first. Let's check out the old scoreboard, huh? I mean, hey, ha, gimme a break, it's not *that* old, right?
[Honks horn, Kelly jumps]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Anyway. In local, uh, high school action, it was - it was, Bayside 5, Valley 4. I guess that means we won, right Math majors?
[Honks horn again]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [a while later, the rest of the gang are all clearly bored and tired] This *is* A.C. Slater. And just remember, fans, in the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it.
[Honks horn, Zack puts music on]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Right. So what do you think?
Zack: [All exchange glances] Uh... we're thinkin' about it.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: See, Preppie. I told you I was good.
[Leaves]
Zack: Hey, guys, I think I know what'd help Slater.
Jessie, Lisa, Kelly Kapowski: What?
Zack: A muzzle.

Jessie: [Lisa and Kelly appear with several copies of the school paper] The school paper just reviewed us!
Lisa: What did they say?
Kelly Kapowski: I dunno, I'm too nervous to look. What if he didn't like my outfit?
Lisa: Lisa, we're on the radio, remember? He can't see us.
Zack: [Each take a paper] Hey, look at this:
[Reading aloud]
Zack: "Tiger Radio really cooks when Wolfman Zack is on the prowl." Hey.
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Jessie Spano has a nose for news. And I smell a winner."
Jessie: [Reading aloud] "Kelly Desire's voice could heat your jacuzzi. The girl is H-O-T."
Kelly Kapowski: [Reading aloud] "Lisa's Galloping Gossip is off to a fast start. She's funny, charming, and a great dresser."
[Looks at Jessie]
Kelly Kapowski: See?
Zack: This guy really liked us.
Jessie: Uh, most of us.
[Reading aloud]
Jessie: "A.C. Slater stinks."
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Someone should wave a skunk in front of him"?
Kelly Kapowski: Poor Slater.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Slater appears] Hey, guys! What's up?
[the others move toward the lockers and stand with their backs to them, hiding the papers]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What are you doing?
Kelly Kapowski, Zack: Uh...
Kelly Kapowski: We're scratching our backs!
Zack: Yeah, you know, there's an itch going through the school.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What?
Screech: Hey, guys! The station just got reviewed!
[Zack groans]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, really? What'd he say about me?
Screech: You stink!


"Saved by the Bell: Screech's Birthday (#4.19)" (1992)
Lisa Turtle: I'm trying out for the drama festival. Do you believe me as a Southern belle?
A.C. Slater: No, but I believe you as a northern ding-dong.

Zack Morris: Wait. I've got it. This is genius. Today, we'll give Screech a surprise party.
A.C. Slater: But his birthday was yesterday.
Lisa Turtle: That's the surprise.
Zack Morris: Now this will make Bayside history. It won't be just any surprise party. It'll be the most daring birthday party ever!
Kelly Kapowski: Sounds exciting.
Jessie Spano: Wait, I don't know about this. It sounds dangerous. I'm getting nervous!
A.C. Slater: Will someone shoot her with a tranquilizer dart?

Lisa Turtle: [Pretending to bicker] Oh, you guys don't stand a chance. I'm gonna win that drama festival.
Jessie Spano: Oh, no way! My Joan of Arc will light up the stage!
Kelly Kapowski: Only if they burn you at the stake!


"Saved by the Bell: The Friendship Business (#1.11)" (1989)
Lisa: [Lisa hands Kelly and Jessie bracelets] Here guys, these are for you.
Kelly: Gee, thanks.
Jessie: These are nice.
Lisa: I made these friendship bracelets in Fashion Club.
Screech: Did you make one for me?
Lisa: For you, I'm making a friendship muzzle.
Screech: I'm speechless.
Lisa: That's the idea.

Lisa: Screech, would you like to rejoin the human race?
Screech: You always said I wasn't a member.
Lisa: I'll sneak you in.

Lisa: The girls in Fashion Club can't believe you're gonna pay them. Zack thought "salary" was some kind of vegetable.


"Saved by the Bell: Jessie's Song (#2.9)" (1990)
Lisa: [Kelly and Lisa have just put the song "I'm So Excited" on the jukebox] Hey, Jessie, listen. "I'm So Excited".
[Lisa points to the jukebox playing the song]
Screech: I know you're excited, but try to forget about me.
Lisa: I'll pray for help

Lisa: [to Screech] Why not go to the boys' room and flush yourself to China?

Kelly: [Screech sneaks into the girl's locker room disguised as an Irish cleaning lady] Who are you?
Screech: Oh, I'm, uh, I'm- Sinead O'Connor.
Kelly: That's a very famous name. You have a hit song in the charts, you know...?
Screech: Oh, uh, that's the other O'Connor. She's my niece. She learned from me.
Lisa: You taught her everything she knows?
Screech: Oh, that I did. Now she can clean toilets with the best of 'em.


"Saved by the Bell: The Babysitters (#2.14)" (1990)
Mrs. Hatcher: [Holding a doll] Now, girls, pay close attention. Infant care is a big part of your grade this term. Now remember, it's very important to support your baby's head. Holding your baby any other way could make it very uncomfortable.
[Goes to speak to a student and her doll's head falls off]
Mrs. Hatcher: See? Now *that* could hurt baby.
Lisa Turtle: [to Jessie] Now I know what happened to Screech.

Mrs. Hatcher: [Jessie and Lisa are trying to direct Screech to Billy using hand signals] Uh, Miss Spano, Miss Turtle, what is it that you are doing?
Lisa Turtle: Uh, drying our nails?
Jessie Spano: Actually, we're on the Spirit Squad.
Max: Jessie, I already took that picture this morning. You were great.
Jessie Spano: We just can't help ourselves.
[to Lisa]
Jessie Spano: We've got so much spirit left over, don't we?
Lisa Turtle: Yeah, we're just full of it.
[Screech shrugs his shoulders, unable to find Billy]
Lisa Turtle: In fact, here's one of our latest cheers.
Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano: [to Screech] Move it to the left! Move it to the right! Further to the right! Not there! Yes, there! You got it! You got it!... Fight, fight, fight!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: None of us are leaving this floor until we find my baby!
Lisa Turtle: Your baby? Zack, I think you're getting hysterical.
Jessie Spano: Zack, don't worry, we'll find him. Besides, it's not your fault.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Joins them] So where's the bambino?
Jessie Spano: Zack lost him.


"Saved by the Bell: Rent-a-Pop (#2.7)" (1990)
Mr. Belding: Alright, let's make this quick. I have a school to run.
Zack: Well, Mr. Belding, I think you're of one the best, no, *the* best Principal in the history of principalisms. Does everybody agree?
Jessie, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, Screech: Oh, yeah!
Mr. Belding: Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Kelly: Guys, we have got a real problem. How are we gonna pay for the ski trip?
Lisa: Well, I make money the old fashioned way: I pout until Daddy gives it to me.

Screech: Hey, guys, I got a great idea how to make money for the ski trip. I'll sell my body to science.
Lisa: You'd have to pay 'em to tow it away.


"Saved by the Bell: The Fabulous Belding Boys (#2.15)" (1990)
Lisa: [Talking about the school trip] Well, I'm gonna do nothing but kick back and look at beautiful scenery.
Screech: If you want beautiful scenery, baby, wait 'til you see me in a wet T-shirt.
[Chuckles]
Lisa: If it means you're drowning, count me in.

Zack: [the gang are studying for the History test] Come on, guys, all we have to do is study the material and Dickerson can't stop us from goin' on the trip.
Jessie: Zack's right.
Mr. Dickerson: [Zack sees Mr. Dickerson in his book] You'll never pass my test, Zackie.
[Cuts to Kelly, who sees Mr. Dickerson in one of Zack's posters]
Mr. Dickerson: Psst! Your looks won't get you through this one, cheerleader.
[Cuts to Jessie and Slater, who see Mr. Dickerson in Jessie's book, singing]
Mr. Dickerson: F, F, F, you're both getting an "F"!
[Jessie slams book shut]
Zack: I need a break.
Lisa: Yeah, let's watch Fresh Prince.
Mr. Dickerson: [Jessie turns on the television, revealing Mr. Dickerson in front of a chalkboard, rapping] You think you're smart, you think you're hip, put your books away, 'cause there's no class trip!

Rod Belding: [Simulating white water rafting] We're headin' for white water! Everybody hold on!
Zack: Hey, Kelly, look at the mountains and the trees.
Kelly: Oh, there's a deer drinking water!
Screech: Where? Where?
Lisa: It's pretend.
Screech: Well, if it's pretend, why am I getting seasick?
[Groans]
Lisa: Because when you were little, your Daddy bounced you on his knee, and the ceiling was low.


"Saved by the Bell: From Nurse to Worse (#2.16)" (1990)
Lisa: Some people get a little strange when it's time to see Nurse Butcher.
Jessie: Not me, I'm in perfect health. I eat properly, exercise daily, get the right amount of rest.
Slater: You sound like a commercial for oat bran.

Lisa: What's wrong, Kelly?
Kelly: Men! Especially Zack Morris!
Slater: Hey. Don't judge us by our worst specimen.

Jessie: I need an honest answer. How do I look in these frames?
[Puts on glasses]
Lisa: Ridiculous! You're lucky you don't have to wear 'em.
Kelly: Well I don't think they're that bad.
Jessie: Thanks, Kelly.
Screech: Hey, nice glasses, Jessie!
Jessie: Oh, do you really like them?
Screech: Yeah, all my grandmother's friends wear the same kind!


"Saved by the Bell: The Substitute (#1.7)" (1989)
Lisa: He must have read my diary.
Zack: Yeah, and then he borrowed your blouse.

Tony Crane: I said we'll continue this tomorrow.
Kelly, Lisa, Jessie: We'll wait.

Tony Crane: Well, I just wanted Vicki to meet some of my students. Ms. Simpson will be back on Monday, so this was my last day. "O, that a joy past joy calls out on me, that it were a grief, so brief, to part with thee."
Kelly, Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano: Goodbye, Mr. Crane!


"Saved by the Bell: Beauty and the Screech (#1.10)" (1989)
Zack: Kelly, your troubles are over. Screech here has agreed to share his wisdom and tutor you.
Screech: I will be your Yoda.
[to Lisa]
Screech: And I will be your everything.
Lisa: And I will be gone.
[Leaves]

Kelly Kapowski: [Looking at Kelly, who is daydreaming] Well, she's got all the symptoms: glassy eyes, goofy look.
Lisa Turtle: Mismatched wardrobe. It can only mean one thing.
Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano: [Turning to look at each other] Crush!
Jessie Spano: Come on, Kelly. Who are you thinking about?
Lisa Turtle: Is he cute?
Kelly Kapowski: Well, kind of. He's real intelligent, got a great sense of humor, and he's really fun to be with.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, if I found someone like that, I'd never let him go.
Jessie Spano: So give already. Who is it?
Kelly Kapowski: Screech.
[Lisa spits out her drink in horror]
Jessie Spano: Kelly, you're kidding, right?
Kelly Kapowski: No, I had so much fun studying with Screech in his room last night.
Lisa Turtle: You were in his room? Urgh, didn't the bats bother you?
Kelly Kapowski: That is just a rumor. None of his creatures can fly. You know, Lisa, you really oughta give Screech a chance.
Lisa Turtle: I'd rather give Chickenpox a chance.
Kelly Kapowski: Hey, I'm telling you, Screech can be really charming.
Jessie Spano: He *definitely* did something to her brain.
Kelly Kapowski: He did. I'm seeing Screech in a completely different way.
Lisa Turtle: The best way is blindfolded.


"Saved by the Bell: Model Students (#2.10)" (1990)
[the girls find out that Zack has used their pictures in the "Girls of Bayside" calendar]
Jessie: You didn't have the right!
Kelly: You didn't get permission!
Lisa: You didn't get my good side!

[Lisa, Kelly, and Jessie look at the calendars]
Kelly: Lisa, you're October. I'm November?
Lisa: Well, who's December?
Kelly: [gasps] Mr. Belding is December?
[Mr. Belding's face is shown on a girl's body]
Zack: Ho, ho, ho!
Screech: Well, there's only 11 girls on the swim team, so we had to put Belding's head on one of the girls' bodies.
Jessie: That is MY body!
Slater: Ugh, I'm gonna dream about *Belding* tonight.


"Saved by the Bell: My Boyfriend's Back (#3.8)" (1991)
Kelly: [the girls go to answer the door late at night and Jessie holds a baseball bat] Jessie, put the bat down.
Jessie: No, if that's a robber, this bat's gonna scare him away.
Lisa: You're not gonna need the bat, honey, just nag him to death like you do everyone else!

Lisa: Yup, this is gonna be a *long* night.
Kelly: Yeah, somebody better put the coffee on!
Lisa: Does anybody know how to do that?


"Saved by the Bell: Rockumentary (#3.22)" (1991)
Screech: [Screech enters with a girl in a cheerleading uniform] Hello, my friends. I've found the meaning of life. Her name's Linda.
Linda: Yay, Linda!
Screech: How are you, Slater?
Slater: Okay.
Linda: Okay, yay! S-L-A-T-E-R, yay, Slater!
Lisa: If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda.
Linda: B-Y-E, bye!

Slater: [Lisa enters Slater's hospital room angrily] Whoa, whoa, wait, don't hurt me, Lisa. I just saw you on U.S. Gladiators. Gee, you beat up everybody, including the audience.
Lisa: Yeah. Nobody messes with Lethal Lisa.


"Saved by the Bell: No Hope with Dope (#3.21)" (1991)
Kelly: [the "Don't Do Drugs" commercial] Dumb.
Slater: Stupid.
Lisa: Crazy.
Jessie: Dangerous.
Screech: Stinks.
Zack: In one word, would I use dope? Nope.
Brandon Tartikoff: These kids are right. Drugs will your hurt your mind, your body and your life. Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff, chairman of NBC Entertainment, and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: don't do drugs.
Kelly, Slater, Lisa, Jessie, Screech, Zack: There's no hope with dope!

[after Zack and his friends found out Johnny does drugs]
Lisa: [finally speaks to him] You know, when I wanted to talk to you, I couldn't. But now that I can, I don't want to!
Screech: Ditto for me, bub. Tonight, all my Johnny Dakota action figures become lawn mulch!


"Saved by the Bell: The Gift (#1.3)" (1989)
Lisa: I cannot run track today. You know, I have so much food inside of me, you could put a quarter in my mouth and a bag of Doritos would come poppin' out?
Kelly: Lisa, you have got to stop doing this to yourself.
Lisa: That's easy for you to say, nothing bothers you.
Kelly: Oh yeah? Lots of things bother me. I just don't let them drive me bananas.
Lisa: You have one?
Kelly: Lisa, come on. If you keep obsessing about your grades, you know what you're gonna end up like?
Jessie: [Jessie rushes in] You know, you guys, I just remembered there was one time that I did not get an "A"? I was in the fourth grade. Mr. Simmons had a nervous breakdown and gave the entire class "L"s and "Q"s.

Kelly: You guys might be right. I think we should cut gym and hit the books. I mean, this test is gonna be no piece of cake.
Lisa: Cake? Who has cake?


"Saved by the Bell: Fatal Distraction (#1.4)" (1989)
Jessie: Can you believe that Tony Kramer tried to make out with me in the middle of Working Girl?
Lisa: What's wrong with that?
Jessie: I didn't go with him. I went with Billy Bostwick. Tony was sitting right behind us, and what a jerk. He left his retainer in my hair!

Screech: [Dressed as Michael Jackson, in a high voice] I'm not like other boys.
Lisa: You're not like anything on this planet, you dork!


"Saved by the Bell: Snow White and the Seven Dorks (#4.20)" (1992)
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [raps] Yo, I'm the prince and I'm a handsome sight. Who's this I see? Is it Miss Snow White? Her lips I can reach, so I'm glad I did show up.
Lisa Turtle: If I have to kiss Screech, I think I'm gonna throw up!
[Lisa runs off in disgust]

Kelly Kapowski: Mirror, mirror from the mall, who's the awesomest of them all? If you say Jessie, I'll brain you!
Lisa Turtle: Uh, I pass! Next question, please!


"Saved by the Bell: Slater's Friend (#4.23)" (1992)
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, Lisa. Have you seen Slater? He's supposed to be back today.
Lisa Turtle: [Looking at the box Artie is in] No! And get that thing away from me. The only time I come this close to lizard skin is when Anne Klein puts a bucket on it.

Kelly Kapowski: [Looking at Artie] Aww, he looks so peaceful when he sleeps.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, please. You're going gaga over something that burps bugs.
Jessie Spano: I think he looks a little pale.
Kelly Kapowski: Maybe he's sick.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Why would he be sick? Hey, Screech, come here. Take a peek at Artie. Does he look any different to you?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: No.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: See?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Except for the fact that he's dead.


"Saved by the Bell: 1-900-CRUSHED (#2.11)" (1990)
Louise: Would you ever go steady with a guy named Moose?
Lisa: Why not, you could always hang your coat on his antlers.

Zack: Lisa, you are looking lovelier than ever today.
Lisa: Can the sweet talk. You're giving me a zit.


"Saved by the Bell: The Lisa Card (#1.2)" (1989)
Customer: [Lisa takes a job at the Max and continually messes up orders] Miss, this isn't what I ordered; You were supposed to toast my buns!
Lisa: You want toasted buns? Go sit on a Microwave!


"Saved by the Bell: Earthquake (#4.21)" (1992)
Becky Belding: Richard, uh, I think I'm gonna need something to settle my stomach. Would you order me a ginger ale, with a big scoop of peanut butter?
Screech: Gosh, that's my favorite combination too!
Lisa: Well, Screech, maybe *you're* pregnant.
Screech: Oh, Lisa, don't be ridiculous. I'm not even married!


"Saved by the Bell: Boss Lady (#3.10)" (1991)
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alright, who knows how to make what?
Kelly Kapowski: I make scrambled eggs.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: I can make hotdogs.
Lisa Turtle: All I can make are reservations.


"Saved by the Bell: Running Zack (#2.13)" (1990)
Jessie: Lisa, you were great in the 100-yard dash.
Lisa: Oh, thanks, but I owe my victory to Screech.
Screech: You do?
Lisa: Oh yes, I pretended you were chasing me.


"Saved by the Bell: Date Auction (#3.15)" (1991)
Jessie: [Jessie, Kelly and Lisa are in the girls' locker room with some other girls] Now, about this date auction, if any one of you sweeties dare bid on my Slater, I'll hunt you down in the streets like a rabid dog.
[Slams locker door shut]
Jessie: Thank you. Have a nice day.
[Other girls leave]
Kelly: [Chuckles] Come on, Jessie, lighten up. This date auction's for a good cause.
Lisa: Besides, the guys wanna do it. So it's not sexist, it's sexy.
Jessie: You both make interesting points. Really. Fascinating. But if either of you bid on Slater, you're dead. You got me?
[Slams locker door shut and leaves]
Lisa: Who put sandpaper on her toilet seat?


"Saved by the Bell: Zack's Birthday (#3.2)" (1991)
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Now, may I tell you today's specials? We have linguine, fettuccine or eenie meanie tortellini.
Lisa Turtle: I'll have a salad.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Mixed or greeny?
Lisa Turtle: Greeny.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Large or teeny?
Lisa Turtle: Will you get outta here, ya weenie?


"Saved by the Bell: The Glee Club (#2.18)" (1990)
Zack Morris: [after Violet quits the Glee Club] Well, Jessie, it's up to you. You gotta take over. You're the only one with a voice as good as Violet's.
Jessie: [raspy voice] You wanna bet? I caught Lisa's cold!
[everyone glares at Lisa]
Lisa: Sorry!


"Saved by the Bell: School Song (#4.24)" (1992)
Screech: [the gang rewrites the words to Screech's corny school song before the final performance] There you are, you butchers! You've totally changed my song!
Lisa: No, we didn't, Screech. It's still about Bayside.
Slater: Yeah, and we used most of the words you did. "The", "and", "it". "Bayside".
Screech: Oh. Well in that case, it's okay then.


"Saved by the Bell: Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind (#2.12)" (1990)
Jessie: [after Screech's fake "unveiling"] He really is an alien!
Lisa: This explains *so* much!


"Saved by the Bell: Mystery Weekend (#3.26)" (1991)
Screech: Lisa, don't drink that!
[Lisa spits out her water]
Screech: It might be poison!
Lisa: You're right, *You* drink it!
[hands glass to Screech]
Screech: [sips] Hm. Tastes fine to me; I'll live!
Lisa, Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Darn!


"Saved by the Bell: Dancing to the Max (#1.1)" (1989)
Kelly: What happened to you?
Lisa: I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.
Jessie: Why?
Lisa: I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.


"Saved by the Bell: King of the Hill (#1.15)" (1989)
Lisa: [about The Max] It sure beats eating in the school cafeteria.
Jessie: Yeah. It's nice to see a hamburger you don't have to comb.


"Saved by the Bell: Cream for a Day (#1.8)" (1989)
Kelly: Hey, guys. The truth: how do I look?
Lisa: Full of cheer!
Kelly: I'm serious. I wanna be Queen.
Lisa: Well, we'll let you know if anything happens to Princess Di.
Kelly: I'm talking about Homecoming Queen.
Jessie: Come on, you're a shoo-in. Guys bribe teachers just to sit beside you in class.
Kelly: What if they find out I wear a retainer at night?
Lisa: [Loudly] How is *anyone* gonna find out you wear a retainer?
Nerd: Wanna join our retainer club?


"Saved by the Bell: Palm Springs Weekend: Part 1 (#3.18)" (1991)
[about to get on a ferry cannal boat]
Screech: Lisa, you by any chance have seasick pills on you?
Lisa: Oh, you ninny, it's only three feet of water!
Screech: So what? I get seasick in the bathtub!


"Saved by the Bell: Pipe Dreams (#3.11)" (1991)
Zack: He's absolutely right, we're not just taking something away, we're putting something back. Jessie.
Jessie: Because of your oil spills yesterday, we put 20 dead animals back in the ground.
Mr. Phelps: Well we are sorry about that but it *was* an accident.
Lisa: Yeah but can you guarantee it won't happen again?


"Saved by the Bell: Palm Springs Weekend: Part 2 (#3.19)" (1991)
Lisa: Girl, if I were Leslie I woulda slapped you until my hand hurt, and then I woulda slapped you for making it hurt.


"Saved by the Bell: The Mamas and the Papas (#1.12)" (1989)
Screech: [Screech and Lisa are simulating a scene from their "marriage"] Oh, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
Lisa: Uh, Lisa no en casa.
Screech: I love it when you speak German.
Lisa: What do you want?
Screech: I was fired today.
Lisa: So?
Screech: I don't think I have the strength to go on living.
Lisa: Okay!