Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater
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Quotes for
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater (Character)
from "Saved by the Bell" (1989)

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"Saved by the Bell: All in the Mall (#3.16)" (1991)
Kelly Kapowski: Wow, look at this line.
Lisa Turtle: [sigh] Man, we'll never get tickets to the U2 concert.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, ye of little faith.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: That's right. Yeah, we told you we had a plan. Hey, have I ever let you guys down before?
Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: Yeah!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: When?
Lisa Turtle: The time you snuck us into the drive-in movie in the trunk of your car.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: So I forgot the trunk key! You still got to hear the movie.
Kelly Kapowski: But it was a Japanese movie!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, I tried to read the subtitles as fast as I could.

Kelly Kapowski: [the gang have gone to the front of the line, where Screech is asleep] Hey, how did Screech get ahead of the line?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [Sniggers] He slept here all night.
Lisa Turtle: How'd you get him to do that?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Simple. We bribed him with a new teddy bear.

Kelly Kapowski: Hey, where's Screech? Shouldn't he have the tickets by now?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Uh, well, uh, you see... Hey, let's go eat! Come on!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Yeah!
Kelly Kapowski: What happened, guys?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: He was born. Need I say more?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Look, I'm sorry, Kelly. He accidentally stepped outta line and lost his place.
Kelly Kapowski: Well, you better call a priest.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Why?
Kelly Kapowski: Because Lisa's gonna kill him, and I'm gonna have bad thoughts.

Lisa Turtle: Hi, guys!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, Lisa. So, how are things going with you and the shoe salesman?
Lisa Turtle: Oh, they're lookin' good. Eddie wants to give me a ride in his Air Jordans.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: How many pairs of shoes did you buy, Lisa?
Lisa Turtle: Oh, just three. I'm on a tight budget.

Lisa Turtle: [Finds a bag] Hey, whose bag is this?
Kelly Kapowski: Not mine.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: It's not mine.
Lisa Turtle: Whoa, Mama!
Kelly Kapowski, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater, Zachary 'Zack' Morris: *Whoa*, Mama!
Kelly Kapowski: Is that real money?
Lisa Turtle: [Smells the money] Smells like it.
[Holds money to her ear and ruffles it]
Lisa Turtle: Sounds like five thousand, give or take a twenty.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, yes! Yes! This is going to be a good day after all.
Kelly Kapowski: Wait a second. I mean, this isn't our money. I mean, some poor person lost it and we have to return it.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, get real, Kelly, what poor person has five thousand dollars?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Well, if they weren't poor before, they're poor now.
Kelly Kapowski: We can't keep this. It's somebody else's money.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alright, alright, let's be fair. I mean, if it is someone's money, we should give them time to reclaim it. Agreed?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Alright.
Lisa Turtle: Yeah.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Okay, good, good. Then I hereby invoke the five foot, five second rule.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: The what?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: If no-one is within five feet of this money when I count to five, it's ours. Huh? One, two, three, four...
Kelly Kapowski: Cut it out, Zack. We have to ask around and see if anybody lost five thousand dollars.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Okay, okay.
[Whispering]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Has anybody lost five thousand dollars?
Lisa Turtle: Look, I don't know what you two are arguing about. This is my money. I'm the one who found the bag.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Wha - Your money? You never would've found the bag if Zack and I didn't slide over so you could sit down.
Lisa Turtle: Okay, I'll split it with you.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alri-i-i-i-i-ight!
Kelly Kapowski: Split it with them? There wouldn't be a bag to find if I didn't sit at this bench. You'd still be rattling on about Eddie and his Air Jordans!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: I think I've got a way to solve this money problem.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: How? Give it all to you?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alright, I'll think of another way.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Whoa, Screech! How'd you move up in line so fast?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Old Disneyland tactic. I hid under a fern until I could blend into line.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: You're goofy.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: No, but that's who taught me.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Look, Screech, we've got a little secret to tell you, but you gotta promise to keep it quiet.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Hey, did I ever tell Slater how you filled his locker with tapicoa pudding?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: That was you?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Uhhhhh...
[Snickers]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: We don't have time for that.
[Lisa hands him the bag]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Look, Screech, we want you to buy a lot of tickets 'cause we just found five thousand dollars.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Loudly] Five thousand dollars?
[Lisa puts her hand over his mouth]
Lisa Turtle: [to Screech] Okay?
[He murmurs yes, she removes her hand]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Hmm. Did you have a doughnut for breakfast, Lisa? Your hand tastes good.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, man!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: Urgh!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [Trying to get elderly woman to let Screech go ahead of her in line] Excuse me, ma'am? Hi! I wonder if you'd let my friend go ahead of you. He missed last year's concert.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Yes, and you see, he was so depressed that he locked himself in the basement for a year.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Uh huh, and today is his first day out.
Old Woman: No way, blondie. I never miss a U2 concert!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Well, uh, would fifty dollars help you change your mind?
[Takes a bill out of the bag]
Kelly Kapowski: What are you doing? That's our ticket money.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, you're forgetting about our find.
[Hands Slater two bills]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Um, did he say fifty, beautiful? 'Cause I think he meant one hundred, little darlin'.
Old Woman: One hundred smackers? Make it two and I'm outta here.
[Zack hands Slater two more bills]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Here you go.
[Hands her the money and she leaves]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alright! One more customer and we're rich!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Alright!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [a "sold out" sign is placed in the ticket window] What?

Kelly Kapowski: I think we should turn the money in right away.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, hey, hey, let's not be so rash. There are plenty of ways to make a quick buck.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Yeah! We could invest in the stock market and double our money.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: That's right.
Kelly Kapowski: And what if we lose?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Who cares? It's not our money!

Lisa Turtle: [Loudspeaker announcement has revealed that a new concert has been added due to demand for the first] This is great! We have a second chance to go to the concert!
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Better yet, another chance to make a killing selling tickets.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh, no, I'm not sleeping here again. Last night, the security dogs were nipping at my underwear.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: No, Screech, this time, we're all staying so we're guaranteed to be first in line.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Well, wait, how are we gonna pull that off, Preppie?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: I don't know yet. But I do know we have a lot of money and, uh, a lot of hours to kill.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Hey, how about a little advance on tomorrow's profits, huh?
Lisa Turtle: Yeah. Tickle my palm, honey. I've got places to go and shoes to try on.
Kelly Kapowski: And I guess it'd be alright to look at some bathing suits. They were selling them for half off.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh, which half are you gonna buy?
Kelly Kapowski: You know, I've always defended you. But you really are a bozo.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [the girls arrive at the movies, flustered] What's going on?
Lisa Turtle: It's those weird guys, they were following us! We saw them at the boutique!
Kelly Kapowski: They're obviously killers! I mean, we've stolen their money and now we're gonna die! I'll never get married, I'll never have a little white picket fence, I'll never get a letter from Ed McMahon again!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, Kelly, shut up! They're not killers, they're just shoppers. This is a mall, you know.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Yeah. Look, this money's making us paranoid. I'm sure nothing weird is gonna happen while we're in here.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Relax.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Screech enters, dressed in a muscle filled superhero costume] Hi, guys.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Take that back.
Kelly Kapowski: Screech, why are you dressed like that?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: 'Cause they wanted three hundred dollars for the Little Bo Beep costume.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Yeah, but why are you wearing this costume?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Ha. See, that way, when the bad guys come, they won't notice me.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: The only place you wouldn't be noticed is in a nuthouse.
Lisa Turtle: Don't be so sure.

Woman in Film: [the gang are watching a movie] Don't go, Jonathan. I can't live without you.
Man in Film: If you want me to stay, Lydia, let me hear those three special words.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] Oh, Jonathan. Not here. Not now.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In deep voice] Oh, Lydia, don't tease me so. You know how weak I am.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] It doesn't matter, Jonathan. You're rich.
Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: Ssssshhhhh!
[the girls move to the seats in front]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: What? Girls!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What? You gonna move?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Slater places his fake hand between the girls]
[In ghostly voices]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Mwahahahaha!
Lisa Turtle: [Both turn round and swipe at them] You're so infantile, Slater!
Kelly Kapowski: We're trying to watch the movie!
Woman in Film: Oh, Jonathan, I love you. Let's ask the warden to marry us.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In deep voice] Are you proposing to me, my precious flower?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] Oh, yes, darling. You're the only man I ever loved.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In deep voice] Lydia.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: [In high voice] Jonathan.
[the two embrace then laugh]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Can I be the best man?
Lisa Turtle: [Turns round] No, but you can be the dork of honor! Now shut up, I'm trying to watch the movie!
[Zack giggles]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: You can't scare Screechman.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, no? Watch this.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Lisa Turtle: [Turns round, shakes fist then spots the two men] It's them! They're here.
Kelly Kapowski: "Oh, just shopping, it's a mall, you know." Right. I hope they kill you two first!

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Inside tent] Can you please move? Your foot is on my hand.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Hey, your hand is on my foot.
Lisa Turtle: It's dark in here.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: That's alright, my darling, I have X-Ray vision.
[Commotion inside tent]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Ow!
Lisa Turtle: Get rid of that stupid costume!

Kelly Kapowski: [the gang are dressed in the outfits the wedding store mannequins had on] We should've returned the money right when we found it! Lisa, why'd you have to be so nosey and pick up that bag?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Yeah!
Lisa Turtle: Hey, don't blame this on me! Zack's the one with all the bright ideas!
[Suddenly smiling]
Lisa Turtle: Hey, Kelly, is my corsage on straight?
Kelly Kapowski: [Smiling] Yeah, it looks great!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, officer, officer! I'm glad we found you.
Kelly Kapowski: We need your help.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: These two mob guys are chasing us.
Lisa Turtle: They want this money back that we found here yesterday.
Kelly Kapowski: Or they're gonna kill us!
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Is that a jelly doughnut?
Mall Cop: Yes! Which means I'm on break. Heh. Come back in ten minutes.
Kelly Kapowski: Ten minutes? In ten minutes, we're gonna be wearing cement boots, sleepin' in the ocean with the fishies!

Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Save us from those guys!
Mall Cop: Why should I? I'm with them.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: What?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: I want my Mommy!
Louie: Alright, kids, hand over the dough.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alright. Alright. Here you go, see ya!
Louie: You're not goin' anywhere! We've got a surprise for you.
Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle: [Tearfully] We're dead!
Frankie: No, kids, you're on Candid Video!
[Camera crew reveal themselves]
Frankie: Wave to everyone at home!
Kelly Kapowski: [They all wave halfheartedly in disbelief] The television show?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: You mean you've been videotaping this whole thing?
Louie: That's right. The ticket line, the movies, the boutique, everything.
Lisa Turtle: Urgh. Well this is terrible! I was wearing the same outfit for two days!
Mall Cop: And for being guests on our show, Candid Video's gonna give you five front row tickets to the U2 concert!
Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Five front row tickets? Do you know how much money we could get for these?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: *No*!


"Saved by the Bell: The Aftermath (#3.3)" (1991)
Jessie: Zack, that's not fair. Don't make us choose between you and Kelly.
Slater: Yeah, you're way out of line.
Zack: Oh, and she wasn't way out of line when she smacked me?
Lisa: Honey, if I were Kelly, you'd still be pullin' a hairbrush out your ear, now don't get me started!
[Snaps fingers]

Slater: Hey, Preppie, how's it going?
Lisa: Yeah, are you okay?
Jessie: He'll be fine. Just leave him alone.
Zack: What's the big deal? Am I supposed to be upset about something?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, yeah, I mean, after Kelly dumped you the other night, I'm surprised you even got outta bed!
Lisa: Maybe you'll meet somebody at my sweet sixteen party. Now, remember you guys, it's this Saturday. Only five shopping days left.
Zack: It sounds excellent.
Lisa: Well, here's your invitation.
[Hands one to Zack]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Jessie]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Slater, ignoring Screech]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well don't I get one?
Lisa: [pauses] Well, okay, but if you have a previous engagement, I understand. In fact, I'll pay for it!

Slater: You know, Zack, like my Uncle Charlie used to say: "Women are like vines. If you fall off one, hey, you can swing with another."
Jessie: You know, you're not just a pig, you are a gorilla-pig.

Miss Simpson: [Miss Simpson is extremely hard of hearing] Good morning, class.
Jessie, Slater, Zack, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa, Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Rest of Class: Good morning, Miss Simpson.
Miss Simpson: I said, "Good morning, class." Didn't your parents teach you any manners?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Uh, Miss Simpson, I have a doctor's appointment today. May I leave class early?
Miss Simpson: Yes, your hair is curly. Now, let's get started. Today, we turn to the romantic poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. So, let's have Bayside's most loved couple recite a poem for us. Zack and Kelly, if you please.
Jessie: No! No, n-I, well, I mean, let's me and Slater read it instead.
Miss Simpson: Oh, Miss Spano, don't be such a ham.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [the guys are in the cinema, watching a movie; Screech notices Kelly and Jeff enter and sit in the back row] Pssst, Slater!
Slater: What?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Slater!
Slater: Hey, shut up, man, I'm trying to watch the movie.
Zack: Yeah, shut up, Screech.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Screech throws popcorn at Slater to get his attention] Eff-jay and Elly-kay.
Slater: [Slater turns round and sees Kelly and Jeff, then turns to Screech] On't-day et-lay ack-Zay ee-say.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: What-ay?
Slater: Oy vey.
Zack: What's goin' on?
Slater: Uh, Screech is startin' to feel real sick.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: I am?
[Slater motions to him]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh, yeah, oh, oh, my pancreas! Oh!
Rest of Audience: Ssssshhhhhh!

Kelly Kapowski: [Trying to smooth things over] Hi, guys. How ya doin'?
Slater: Okay. I'll have a double cheeseburger.
Jessie: Cheeseburger.
Lisa: Cheeseburger.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Do you have any specials?
[Lisa hits him]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh. Cheeseburger.
Kelly Kapowski: How's Zack doing?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: See? You guys are wrong! She does remember his name.

Zack: [Taking Kimberly into The Max] Well, this is the place. Hey! Look who's here.
[Goes over to the gang's table]
Zack: Kimberly, I want you to meet some of my friends. This is Jessie, this is Slater, this is Lisa, and of course you know Screech.
[Ignores Kelly]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Hey, cuz. Missed you at Aunt Gertrude's birthday party. We played "Pin the Tail on Uncle Fred" again.
Kelly Kapowski: Hi, Zack.
Zack: Oh, hi. Oh, I'm glad you're here. Can you get us a table? Something really romantic.
Kelly Kapowski: Yeah, sure, right this way.
Zack: See you guys later.
Lisa: Wow, look at him! He's really happy.
Slater: [to Screech, after looking at Kimberly] How could *you* be related to *her*?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, she's adopted.
Slater: Oh, that makes sense.

Zack: Would you like to dance?
Kimberly: I'd love to.
Zack: Alright.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Zack chooses song on the jukebox and starts dancing with Kimberly] Whoa. That's A-12. Zack and Kelly's song.
Lisa: Why would he do that? That's so cruel!
Jessie: To get even with her.
Lisa: What a creep. Kelly does not deserve that.
Jessie: And she didn't deserve to be snubbed by us either.
Slater: Right.
Kelly Kapowski: [Kelly returns with the milkshake Zack ordered and hears the song; she puts the milkshake on the table] Excuse me, Zack, can we talk?
Zack: [to Kimberly] This'll only take one second.
[Kisses her]
Zack: So. What's up, Kimber - oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.
Kelly Kapowski: Zack, this is our song, A-12. It's sacred.
Zack: No, no, no. A-12 *was* sacred. Right up until you dumped me for that jerk.
Kelly Kapowski: Don't you dare call him a jerk. You don't even know Jeff, and right now, the only jerk I see is you.
[Slaps him]
Zack: My gosh, can you believe her? I told her I wanted a strawberry shake instead, and she gets all upset.
Kimberly: I heard every word, you creep. How dare you use me to get back at your old girlfriend?
Zack: No, no, wa - oh!
[Kimberly throws the milkshake over him]


"Saved by the Bell: Driver's Education (#2.4)" (1990)
Mr. Tuttle: [Teaching Driver's Ed class] Zack, what is the correct driving position?
Zack: Well, sir, for me, it's one hand on the wheel, and one arm around Kelly.
Kelly: Zack!
Slater: Mr. Tuttle, sir, the correct driving position is the left hand at ten o'clock and the right hand at two o'clock. That way, you'll have full control of your car.
Mr. Tuttle: Mr. Slater, my brain salutes you!
Zack: [to Slater] Teacher's pet.
Mr. Tuttle: But you're the one who belongs on a leash, Morris.

Slater: Hey, guys, I've got some great news!
Zack: Your last baby tooth fell out!
Slater: No, I just bought a car!
[Zacks spits out his drink in horror]
Kelly: Can we see it?
Slater: Well, sure, come on over to the house.
[the others gather their things and leave]
Zack: You know, Slater, if I hadn't gotten that ring for Kelly, I could've bought a car.
Slater: Batteries or wind up?

Zack: [Talking about Slater's new car] You can open a juice stand with this old lemon.
Slater: Hey, listen, Preppie, this baby's gonna look great after I give it a little facelift.
Zack: Oh, gimme a break, the doctors who worked on Michael Jackson couldn't help this old heap.

Screech: Well, Slater, your Malibu Classic, my Valiant. We know what kind of wheels chicks dig.
Jessie: Excuse me, little man, but we are not "chicks".
Slater: She's right, Screech. Listen to the babe.
Jessie: I'm not a "babe".
Slater: And I respect that, Sugar Lips.

Slater: [Entering garage] I just couldn't believe it when I saw it on the lot. It's exactly the car I wanted.
[Turns lights on, revealing old, beaten up car]
Slater: Well? What do you think?
Lisa: Uh, it's, uh... nice. Really nice... really.
[Turns to Jessie]
Jessie: Yeah... it's, it's, uh... all Lisa said. Gosh, it's got a licence play holder too.
[Licence plate holder falls off]

Zack: Slater, I think I'm gonna flunk Driver's Ed. Can you give me a private lesson after school?
Slater: No way.
Zack: Twenty bucks?
Slater: Four o'clock okay?
Zack: See you then.

Jessie: Slater, why don't you be a man and confess?
Slater: Jessie, why don't you be a woman and cook?

Slater: We were gonna confess, and Zack was behind it the whole time.
Kelly: Yeah, he should be the one to confess.
Lisa: Fat chance. You'd have an easier time trying to get that thing off Gorbachev's head.


"Saved by the Bell: The Prom (#2.1)" (1990)
Zack: Kelly dumped me.
Slater: Is that what you think?
Zack: Yeah, I mean every time I call, her mother says she's washin' her hair. I mean who washes their hair six times a day?
Slater: You do.

Jessie: [Jessie and Slater are looking for music for the prom] I can't believe you like these tapes.
Slater: Hey, what's wrong with Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson?
Jessie: Their music doesn't say anything.
Slater: Did you ever see them move? Ha, they're saying plenty, baby.

Screech: [Screech sits beside Lisa in the theater] Guess who?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: [Lisa screams] Ssssshhhh!
Screech: [He has bought popcorn] I got the wide container so both our hands can fit in at once.
Lisa: Um, Screech, would you go get me some chocolate malt balls?
Screech: [Produces a pack of chocolate malt balls] I knew you'd want them!
Lisa: You know, popcorn really makes me thirsty. Do you think you could go and get me...
Screech: [Produces two drinks containers] Cola? Or Uncola?
Lisa: Uncola, please.
Screech: [Puts his arm around her shoulder to give her the drink, she tries to remove his arm] Hey, no arm, no soda.
Lisa: [Watching the film] When do the zombies fall in love?
Screech: Ssh, you'll see.
Lisa: Is that the zombie?
Screech: No, that's his mother-in-law, his mombie.
Lisa: Where's Matt Dillon?
Screech: [sighing] He's not in this movie. Just watch.
Lisa: Look, there's the zombie!
Screech: Sssh!
Lisa: What?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: Quiet!
Lisa: He's cute for a dead guy.
Screech: That's the female zombie. Can't you see she's wearing high heels? You're into fashion.
Lisa: Are you sure Matt Dillon's not in this movie?
Screech: Yes, Alan Thicke is the zombie. Everybody knows that.

Jessie: You know we haven't fought for 15 seconds?
Slater: It was 20, shut up.

Slater: Hey, um... do you, uh, have a date for the prom?
Jessie: Uh... no, not yet. How about you?
Slater: Well, not exactly. You know, I'm still narrowing it down? You think that, uh, I don't know, you, perhaps, would, uh...?
Jessie: Slater, are you asking *me* to go to the prom with *you*?
Slater: Maybe. You interested?
Jessie: Maybe.
Slater: Maybe... pick you up at 7?
Jessie: No. I'll pick *you* up at 7.

Screech: Gee, Lisa, I can't believe we're finally on a date together. Are you having a good time?
[Screech is sitting next to Slater, with the entire gang sitting between Screech and Lisa]
Slater: [Passing the message on to Jessie] Are you having a good time?
Jessie: [Passing the message on to Zack] Are you having a good time?
Zack: [Passing the message on to Kelly] Are you having a good time?
Kelly: [Passing the message on to Lisa] Are you having a good time?
Lisa: Yes!
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Yes!


"Saved by the Bell: The Last Weekend (#3.12)" (1991)
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Whoa, fifty bucks!
Kelly Kapowski: That's nothing. I got seventy-five from her husband.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Wondering who his secret admirer is] Oh, come on! Who loves me?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, I do, but only as a friend!

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Aloha, dudes! Meet Cynthia. She's the chick I rescued this afternoon.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: It's just too bad it took all summer for you guys to get together.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: No, it's okay. She just moved to town and she's going to Bayside. Come on, babe, let's get a burger.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: "Chick"? "Babe"? Are you gonna take that from him?
Cynthia: With dimples like those, he can say whatever he wants.

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: [Jessie finds Zack alone on the beach] You need a friend?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Wouldn't hurt.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [the rest of the gang appear] How about five friends?


"Saved by the Bell: Jessie's Song (#2.9)" (1990)
Zack: [Kelly, Lisa and Jessie just sang a song and the guys were impressed] Hey, a friend of my dad is a record producer, and he's looking for a girls' group like New Kids on the Block.
Slater: Yeah, the "New Chicks on the Block."
Jessie: Thank you, "New Pig in the Booth."

[Zack admits to have gone into the ladies locker room]
Jessie: You violated our privacy? That is wrong, isn't it, Slater?
Slater: Uhhh... yeah, Preppie, you out to be ashamed of yourself. I'm disgusted.
[whispers in Zack's ear, disappointed]
Slater: Next time, bring *Me*!

Slater: [talking to Jessie] Guys are great at math. It's just a shame you weren't born a man.
Jessie: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't born one either.

Slater: [Jessie is taking caffeine pills] Those pills are dangerous.
Jessie: Yeah, well, so's geometry!


"Saved by the Bell: Screech's Birthday (#4.19)" (1992)
Lisa Turtle: I'm trying out for the drama festival. Do you believe me as a Southern belle?
A.C. Slater: No, but I believe you as a northern ding-dong.

Jessie Spano: We're all trying out for the drama festival. I'm auditioning as Joan of Arc.
A.C. Slater: Hey, doesn't she die in that play?
Jessie Spano: Yes.
A.C. Slater: Go for it.

Zack Morris: Wait. I've got it. This is genius. Today, we'll give Screech a surprise party.
A.C. Slater: But his birthday was yesterday.
Lisa Turtle: That's the surprise.
Zack Morris: Now this will make Bayside history. It won't be just any surprise party. It'll be the most daring birthday party ever!
Kelly Kapowski: Sounds exciting.
Jessie Spano: Wait, I don't know about this. It sounds dangerous. I'm getting nervous!
A.C. Slater: Will someone shoot her with a tranquilizer dart?


"Saved by the Bell: Rent-a-Pop (#2.7)" (1990)
Mr. Belding: Alright, let's make this quick. I have a school to run.
Zack: Well, Mr. Belding, I think you're of one the best, no, *the* best Principal in the history of principalisms. Does everybody agree?
Jessie, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, Screech: Oh, yeah!
Mr. Belding: Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Slater: Hey, I see you're ready for the trip.
Zack: What are you talking about?
Slater: Well, you got your ski poles. Oh, I'm sorry, those are your legs!

Slater: [Slater is fixing one of the carnival games, sitting above a tank of water and Jessie picks up the balls used to throw at the target ] Very tempting.
Jessie: Ha, don't even think about it. Of course, you're a girl, so it's not like you could hit it anyway.
[She throws and misses]
Slater: You know what I like about you, Jessie? You throw just like a girl. Hey, why don't you just hire a man to do it?
Jessie: [She throws again, hits the target and Slater falls in the water; he resurfaces and Jessie smiles] I hope pigs can swim.


"Saved by the Bell: The Mamas and the Papas (#1.12)" (1989)
Jessie: Look, Slater, since we both work, we should share the household chores.
Slater: Fine. You cook, I'll eat.

Jessie: You macho pig.
Slater: Oink, oink, baby.

Jessie: Haven't you ever heard of the Women's Movement?
Slater: Well, sure. Put on something cute and move it into the kitchen.


"Saved by the Bell: Miss Bayside (#2.8)" (1990)
Jessie: [Mr. Belding has just announced that the school will hold a beauty pageant] A beauty pageant? What a stupid, sexist waste of time!
Slater: Not if you're in a teeny bikini, Mama!

Zack: [Lisa has just refused Zack's support for her for the Miss Bayside pageant] Yeah, well, I tell you, she's going to regret refusing my offer.
Slater: Oh come on, Preppie. You know as much about beauty pageants as I know about wearing pantyhose.

Slater: [Talking to Zack] Just wait till you hear Kelly sing; She's got a voice like a bird. Watch.
Kelly: [singing, off-key] Blue Moon, You saw me standing alone, Without a dream in my heart... Without a love of my...
[falters]
Kelly: ... own.
Slater: I didn't say *what* bird.


"Saved by the Bell: Rockumentary (#3.22)" (1991)
Screech: [Screech enters with a girl in a cheerleading uniform] Hello, my friends. I've found the meaning of life. Her name's Linda.
Linda: Yay, Linda!
Screech: How are you, Slater?
Slater: Okay.
Linda: Okay, yay! S-L-A-T-E-R, yay, Slater!
Lisa: If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda.
Linda: B-Y-E, bye!

Slater: [Lisa enters Slater's hospital room angrily] Whoa, whoa, wait, don't hurt me, Lisa. I just saw you on U.S. Gladiators. Gee, you beat up everybody, including the audience.
Lisa: Yeah. Nobody messes with Lethal Lisa.


Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas (1994) (TV)
[in a small-town jail cell]
Herb: Hi, I'm Herb.
Zack Morris: I'm Zack.
Herb: What are you fellas in for?
Zack Morris: Nothing. It's all a big mistake.
Herb: Me too.
Slater: What did they get you for?
Herb: I went for a drive with my wife. Is that a crime?
Zack Morris: Of course not. They arrested you for that? What did your wife say?
Herb: Nothing. She was riding in the trunk.
[creeped out, Zack, Slater and Screech back away from Herb]
Ray: [to the guys] And they call me a psycho.

Slater: Best Sports Illustrated swimsuit model?
Zack, Slater, Screech: Elle MacPherson!


"Saved by the Bell: Zack's War (#2.2)" (1990)
Jessie: [to Lieutenant Adams] Why aren't women allowed on the front line?
Slater: Because we need cooks.

Slater: [to Jessie] Alright, go for it, Mama.
Jessie: Okay, Papa!


"Saved by the Bell: Boss Lady (#3.10)" (1991)
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Alright, who knows how to make what?
Kelly Kapowski: I make scrambled eggs.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: I can make hotdogs.
Lisa Turtle: All I can make are reservations.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: How do you make a Bavarian chocolate cream cake?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: With Bavarian chocolate! Duh!


"Saved by the Bell: The Babysitters (#2.14)" (1990)
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: None of us are leaving this floor until we find my baby!
Lisa Turtle: Your baby? Zack, I think you're getting hysterical.
Jessie Spano: Zack, don't worry, we'll find him. Besides, it's not your fault.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Joins them] So where's the bambino?
Jessie Spano: Zack lost him.

Kelly Kapowski: So where's Billy?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Uh... Bi-Billy? Billy! Uh... short, bald guy, drools a lot?
Kelly Kapowski: My baby brother. Come on, guys, where's Billy?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Ha! Where's Billy? Uh, Jessie, why don't you go get him?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Yeah.
Jessie Spano: Yeah, I'll go find him. I mean, I'll go get him. I mean, I'm going now. Yeah... that's it.
[Leaves]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Good luck! I-I mean, see you later!


"Saved by the Bell: The Last Dance (#3.1)" (1991)
Slater: You are a strange and weird person.
Screech: [Flattered] Oh, thanks for noticing.

Jessie: [Discussing the ball] Alright, I'd like to discuss the coronation ceremony of the King and Queen.
Zack: Hey, that's a good idea. Where should Kelly and I stand?
Slater: Behind Jessie and me, with all the other losers.


"Saved by the Bell: Zack's Birthday (#3.2)" (1991)
Jessie Spano: Look, if you don't want to hire Kelly as a lifeguard just because she's a woman, that's discrimination.
Leon Carosi: Well, you like to throw your two cents in, don't you?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Boy, you have no idea!

Kelly Kapowski: Hey, Zack, we heard you really blew it with Carosi's daughter yesterday.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Ho-ho, yeah, the word is you needed a shoehorn to get your foot outta your mouth.


"Saved by the Bell: Save the Max (#2.3)" (1990)
Zack: Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood morning, Bayside! Hey, and all you kids cuttin' school in the Palisades and at the beach, this is Wolfman Zack.
[Points to Screech, who then howls like a wolf]
Zack: Hey, it's Bayside's freshest, hottest, hippest new station, KKTY-FM, Tiger Radio!
[Points to Screech, who then roars like a tiger]
Jessie: [Cuts to Jessie's segment] Bad food hits Bayside, students hit bathrooms. This is Jessie Spano for KKTY News. I caught up with Mr. Belding running out of the cafeteria today, and he assured me that green meat would no longer be served.
Lisa: [Cuts to Lisa's segment] Hi, this is Lisa, your Galloping Gossip, with everyone you wanna know that's none of your business. Flash! Debbie DeMarco's new curves came with Debbie's new sweater.
Kelly Kapowski: [Cuts to Kelly's segment] Hello, this is Kelly Desire. It's evening, the candles are lit, and you're with the one you love. All that's missing is that special romantic song.
[Points to Screech, who puts on a rock 'n' roll record, she grimaces]
Screech: [Cuts to Screech's segment; he speaks with a strange accent] Thunder and lightning raged outside the old Victorian house. There was a scream...
[Screams]
Screech: Evelyn's heart pounded...
[Imitates heart beat by hitting his chest]
Screech: as she slowly opened the bedroom door.
[Imitates creaking door]
Screech: She saw an axe, and recognised the face of...
Zack: [Stops background music] Well, that's all the time we have today. Tune in tomorrow for another excitement installment of...
Screech: Screech's Mystery Theater!
Zack: And now, look alive, sports fans, 'cause on deck it's Tiger Radio's sportiest reporter, A.C. Slater!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In a stilted monotone] Hey. Thanks, Wolfman. Okay. First things first. Let's check out the old scoreboard, huh? I mean, hey, ha, gimme a break, it's not *that* old, right?
[Honks horn, Kelly jumps]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Anyway. In local, uh, high school action, it was - it was, Bayside 5, Valley 4. I guess that means we won, right Math majors?
[Honks horn again]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [a while later, the rest of the gang are all clearly bored and tired] This *is* A.C. Slater. And just remember, fans, in the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it.
[Honks horn, Zack puts music on]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Right. So what do you think?
Zack: [All exchange glances] Uh... we're thinkin' about it.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: See, Preppie. I told you I was good.
[Leaves]
Zack: Hey, guys, I think I know what'd help Slater.
Jessie, Lisa, Kelly Kapowski: What?
Zack: A muzzle.

Jessie: [Lisa and Kelly appear with several copies of the school paper] The school paper just reviewed us!
Lisa: What did they say?
Kelly Kapowski: I dunno, I'm too nervous to look. What if he didn't like my outfit?
Lisa: Lisa, we're on the radio, remember? He can't see us.
Zack: [Each take a paper] Hey, look at this:
[Reading aloud]
Zack: "Tiger Radio really cooks when Wolfman Zack is on the prowl." Hey.
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Jessie Spano has a nose for news. And I smell a winner."
Jessie: [Reading aloud] "Kelly Desire's voice could heat your jacuzzi. The girl is H-O-T."
Kelly Kapowski: [Reading aloud] "Lisa's Galloping Gossip is off to a fast start. She's funny, charming, and a great dresser."
[Looks at Jessie]
Kelly Kapowski: See?
Zack: This guy really liked us.
Jessie: Uh, most of us.
[Reading aloud]
Jessie: "A.C. Slater stinks."
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Someone should wave a skunk in front of him"?
Kelly Kapowski: Poor Slater.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Slater appears] Hey, guys! What's up?
[the others move toward the lockers and stand with their backs to them, hiding the papers]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What are you doing?
Kelly Kapowski, Zack: Uh...
Kelly Kapowski: We're scratching our backs!
Zack: Yeah, you know, there's an itch going through the school.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What?
Screech: Hey, guys! The station just got reviewed!
[Zack groans]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, really? What'd he say about me?
Screech: You stink!


"Saved by the Bell: The College Years: Pilot (#1.0)" (1993)
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: I know, I know, I was supposed to be in 318, but I pulled some strings. Aren't you proud of me, Zack?
Zack Morris: Uh-huh.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: The three musketeers. Back together again!
A.C. Slater: Well, at least we'll never run out of nasal spray.

Zack Morris: [to Slater] How much does this job pay again?
A.C. Slater: $4.50 an hour.
Zack Morris: Ah, great. At this rate, I'll have it paid off by spring break... of my junior year.


"Saved by the Bell: The College Years: Slater's War (#1.4)" (1993)
A.C. Slater: Can I get a date? Can Lassie find little Timmy down a mine shaft?

A.C. Slater: [to Zack] All right, you got something to say, Preppie? Go ahead and say it!
Zack Morris: Fine, I will. Why did you have to pick this weekend to be a Chicano?


"Saved by the Bell: From Nurse to Worse (#2.16)" (1990)
Lisa: Some people get a little strange when it's time to see Nurse Butcher.
Jessie: Not me, I'm in perfect health. I eat properly, exercise daily, get the right amount of rest.
Slater: You sound like a commercial for oat bran.

Lisa: What's wrong, Kelly?
Kelly: Men! Especially Zack Morris!
Slater: Hey. Don't judge us by our worst specimen.


"Saved by the Bell: The Substitute (#1.7)" (1989)
Slater: Okay, Preppie. While you're treading cola, Kelly and I are going to the beach.
Zack: Kelly, this news disappoints me verily! I thought you and I could go over some more lines from Romeo and Juliet.
Kelly: Oh, that's a good idea, Zack! Sorry, Slater.
Slater: What? I don't believe this. You'd rather study than go to the beach?
Zack: Parting is such sweet sorrow... chump.

Tony Crane: [the class is rehearsing Shakespeare, Crane reads as Romeo] With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls. For stony limits cannot hold love out. And what love can do, that dares love attempt.
Kelly: [as Juliet] If my kinsmen see thee, they will murder thee.
Slater: Go kinsmen!


"Saved by the Bell: Fake ID's (#3.9)" (1991)
[Zack meets a college girl and lies about his age]
Slater: [smiling] So what happened, Preppie? Did she turn you down?
Zack: Guess again, my high school friend. She and I just agreed to get together and meet at "The Attic".
Screech: Wow, the attic. That is cool. There could be bats up there.
Slater: YOU'RE bats, screech. "The Attic" is an 'over 18' club, and Zack's only 16.
Zack: That may be true, Slater. But by tomorrow morning, we'll all be 18.
Screech: Oh no. Mom said I have to move out at 18. I gotta look for a place.

Mr. Richard Belding: [slide show] Notice the use of shadow and light.
[Zack, Slater, and Screech are shown dozing off due to taying up late]
Mr. Richard Belding: [notices this] I said notice the use of SHADOW AND LIGHT!
Zack: [they wake up] Yes! Shamu has an overbite.
Slater: She's a whale of a woman, sir.


"Saved by the Bell: Beauty and the Screech (#1.10)" (1989)
Zack: Well, looks like we're going to the concert together.
A.C. Slater: I'm not going on a date with you.
Zack: Well, then give me your ticket.
A.C. Slater: No, give me yours.
Zack: Well, these *are* front row seats.
A.C. Slater: [Smiling at each other] Pick you up at 7?
Zack: If you get me home by 10.


"Saved by the Bell: Model Students (#2.10)" (1990)
[Lisa, Kelly, and Jessie look at the calendars]
Kelly: Lisa, you're October. I'm November?
Lisa: Well, who's December?
Kelly: [gasps] Mr. Belding is December?
[Mr. Belding's face is shown on a girl's body]
Zack: Ho, ho, ho!
Screech: Well, there's only 11 girls on the swim team, so we had to put Belding's head on one of the girls' bodies.
Jessie: That is MY body!
Slater: Ugh, I'm gonna dream about *Belding* tonight.


"Saved by the Bell: My Boyfriend's Back (#3.8)" (1991)
Slater: Wow, a KLF300 B3, oh, with a two belt, four stroke engine and an automatic clutch.
[Jessie hits him]
Slater: Hey, what's that for?
Jessie: I'm not sure. But it *sounds* sexist!


"Saved by the Bell: The Friendship Business (#1.11)" (1989)
Slater: I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire.


"Saved by the Bell: The College Years: A Question of Ethics (#1.13)" (1993)
Leslie Burke: Guess what? Mrs. Teesdale won the lottery and she quit Cal U and is flying to Bora Bora with the soccer coach.
Zack Morris: Does anybody know who her replacement is?
Leslie Burke: Professor Hemmings.
Zack Morris: [groans] Oh, no! The guy eats freshmen for lunch. They call him Hannibal Lecturer.
Leslie Burke: He is a well renowned scholar and author. The Supreme Court consults him. He's a genius.
A.C. Slater: Yeah, but he's hard.
Zack Morris: He's brutal.
Alex Tabor: He's impossible.
Dr. Arthur Hemmings: [enters] He's here!
[the room lights flicker as thunder and lighting rumbles from a storm outside]
Zack Morris: [to the camera] Wow. I hope this doesn't happen every time he walks into the room.


"Saved by the Bell: The Senior Prom (#4.17)" (1992)
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Hey, feel that heat.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: Yeah, it's like a furnace.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: It is a furnace.


"Saved by the Bell: No Hope with Dope (#3.21)" (1991)
Kelly: [the "Don't Do Drugs" commercial] Dumb.
Slater: Stupid.
Lisa: Crazy.
Jessie: Dangerous.
Screech: Stinks.
Zack: In one word, would I use dope? Nope.
Brandon Tartikoff: These kids are right. Drugs will your hurt your mind, your body and your life. Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff, chairman of NBC Entertainment, and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: don't do drugs.
Kelly, Slater, Lisa, Jessie, Screech, Zack: There's no hope with dope!


"Saved by the Bell: The College Years: Teacher's Pet (#1.11)" (1993)
Zack Morris: [Zack is startled by Slater's noisy entrance] I thought you were Kelly.
A.C. Slater: If I were Kelly, I'd wear skimpy clothes and look at myself in the mirror.
Zack Morris: You do that now.


"Saved by the Bell: Running Zack (#2.13)" (1990)
Slater: [Everyone is talking about their ancestors] My great-grandfather was brave too. He was a bullfighter.
Zack: That's cool.
Jessie: Nah, bullfighting is barbaric.
Slater: No it isn't, bullfighting's a sport.
Jessie: It would only be a sport if the bull has a sword, too.


"Saved by the Bell: School Song (#4.24)" (1992)
Screech: [the gang rewrites the words to Screech's corny school song before the final performance] There you are, you butchers! You've totally changed my song!
Lisa: No, we didn't, Screech. It's still about Bayside.
Slater: Yeah, and we used most of the words you did. "The", "and", "it". "Bayside".
Screech: Oh. Well in that case, it's okay then.


"Saved by the Bell: Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind (#2.12)" (1990)
Zack: [Directing Jessie for the student film] Alright. Now, Jessie, you're the History teacher. Now, the alien creature will come through that door and suck out your brain.
Jessie: Zack, why can't he suck out your brain?
Slater: Because someone already did.


"Saved by the Bell: Mystery Weekend (#3.26)" (1991)
Screech: Lisa, don't drink that!
[Lisa spits out her water]
Screech: It might be poison!
Lisa: You're right, *You* drink it!
[hands glass to Screech]
Screech: [sips] Hm. Tastes fine to me; I'll live!
Lisa, Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Darn!


"Saved by the Bell: Wicked Stepbrother: Part 2 (#3.14)" (1991)
Zack: Maybe we could sell Screech to Exxon.
Slater: Nah, they'd never buy a geek that doesn't squeak.


"Saved by the Bell: Aloha Slater (#1.6)" (1989)
Slater: What's the matter, Dad?
Major Slater: My C.O. went A.W.O.L. with a G.L. from the P.X. I gotta go A.S.A.P. See ya, A.C.
Zack: You guys sound like an eye chart.


"Saved by the Bell: The Fabulous Belding Boys (#2.15)" (1990)
Jessie: White water rafting?
Zack: Yeah. I mean, it'll be a trip we'll never forget, Jessie.
Slater: Hey, I've done it, Mama. Let me tell you, it's the greatest thrill you've ever had. Well, except for dating me, of course.
Jessie: Oh, please. Should I throw up now or save it for the raft?


"Saved by the Bell: The College Years: Rush Week (#1.3)" (1993)
Zack: [explaining to Leslie why Screech is not going to a frat party with them] I like Screech.
Slater: I like Screech, too. I also like the Three Stooges but I wouldn't want to go to a fraternity party with them.
Zack: Well, maybe Larry.
Slater: Yeah, maybe Larry.


"Saved by the Bell: 1-900-CRUSHED (#2.11)" (1990)
Slater: Hey, mama, wanna have a burger with a real man?
Jessie: Sure, I'll go find one.