Jessie Spano
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Quotes for
Jessie Spano (Character)
from "Saved by the Bell" (1989)

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"Saved by the Bell: The Aftermath (#3.3)" (1991)
Jessie: Zack, that's not fair. Don't make us choose between you and Kelly.
Slater: Yeah, you're way out of line.
Zack: Oh, and she wasn't way out of line when she smacked me?
Lisa: Honey, if I were Kelly, you'd still be pullin' a hairbrush out your ear, now don't get me started!
[Snaps fingers]

Slater: Hey, Preppie, how's it going?
Lisa: Yeah, are you okay?
Jessie: He'll be fine. Just leave him alone.
Zack: What's the big deal? Am I supposed to be upset about something?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, yeah, I mean, after Kelly dumped you the other night, I'm surprised you even got outta bed!
Lisa: Maybe you'll meet somebody at my sweet sixteen party. Now, remember you guys, it's this Saturday. Only five shopping days left.
Zack: It sounds excellent.
Lisa: Well, here's your invitation.
[Hands one to Zack]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Jessie]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Slater, ignoring Screech]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well don't I get one?
Lisa: [pauses] Well, okay, but if you have a previous engagement, I understand. In fact, I'll pay for it!

Slater: You know, Zack, like my Uncle Charlie used to say: "Women are like vines. If you fall off one, hey, you can swing with another."
Jessie: You know, you're not just a pig, you are a gorilla-pig.

Miss Simpson: [Miss Simpson is extremely hard of hearing] Good morning, class.
Jessie, Slater, Zack, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa, Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Rest of Class: Good morning, Miss Simpson.
Miss Simpson: I said, "Good morning, class." Didn't your parents teach you any manners?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Uh, Miss Simpson, I have a doctor's appointment today. May I leave class early?
Miss Simpson: Yes, your hair is curly. Now, let's get started. Today, we turn to the romantic poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. So, let's have Bayside's most loved couple recite a poem for us. Zack and Kelly, if you please.
Jessie: No! No, n-I, well, I mean, let's me and Slater read it instead.
Miss Simpson: Oh, Miss Spano, don't be such a ham.

Lisa: When I was four years old, my father promised me anything I wanted for my sweet sixteen birthday party.
Jessie: So?
Lisa: So, he let me down!
Jessie: Well, what do you want?
Lisa: MC Hammer.
Jessie: Lisa, aren't you overdoing it a bit?
Lisa: Girl, I turn sixteen once. It's going to be the social event of the season.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Screech joins them] Ah, do you want me to jump out of the cake, babe?
Lisa: No, I'd like you to jump into the cake while it's baking.

Lisa: Why are you ruining Zack's life?
Kelly Kapowski: Whoa, what are you talking about?
Jessie: Zack was at the movies last night.
Kelly Kapowski: People go to the movies all the time.
Lisa: But not all of them make out in front of their ex-boyfriends.
Kelly Kapowski: We were *not* making out. We were just cuddling.
Jessie: You know, Kelly, I'd hoped you'd be a little more sensitive. You know, at least you've got somebody.
Lisa: Yeah.
Kelly Kapowski: What am I supposed to do? Call ahead before I go anyplace to see if Zack's there?
Lisa, Jessie: Yes!
Kelly Kapowski: You know, you're the one who told me to be honest about Jeff. And now you're telling me to hide it?
Lisa, Jessie: *Yes*!
Kelly Kapowski: If you two are sharing a brain, why don't you get one that works?

Lisa: [Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Sue] I know this girl who would love to go out with you. Her name is Sue, and besides being pretty, she's got a great mind. And she loves to read, so she's got a lot to say.
Sue: So, like, I figured Danielle Steel must be writing all of Jackie Collins' romance novels, because, like, they're all the same!
Sue: Well, not exactly the same, I mean, they have to be, like, a little bit different or everybody would know, okay?
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Sue: You know, have you read Hollywood Wives?
Jessie: [Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Cassie, who tips her tub of popcorn up to get to the last of the popcorn] You have got to go out with Cassie. She's got a great personality, and she has an insatiable hunger for life.
Cassie: You know, after the movie, we should go to Antonio's 'cause I have this craving for a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Cassie: [Cassie gasps] I'm out of popcorn!
[Zack gives her his popcorn]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Voiceover] You never met my cousin Kimberly, did you? A lot of guys think she's cute if you like that long-legged, gorgeous, blonde ballerina-type.
Kimberly: Oh, he's so mean! I hope they catch him.
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Kimberly: Oh, no!
[Clutches Zack]
Zack: Kim, how would you feel about a burger after the movie? I know a great place where we can go.

Kelly Kapowski: [Trying to smooth things over] Hi, guys. How ya doin'?
Slater: Okay. I'll have a double cheeseburger.
Jessie: Cheeseburger.
Lisa: Cheeseburger.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Do you have any specials?
[Lisa hits him]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh. Cheeseburger.
Kelly Kapowski: How's Zack doing?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: See? You guys are wrong! She does remember his name.

Zack: Would you like to dance?
Kimberly: I'd love to.
Zack: Alright.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Zack chooses song on the jukebox and starts dancing with Kimberly] Whoa. That's A-12. Zack and Kelly's song.
Lisa: Why would he do that? That's so cruel!
Jessie: To get even with her.
Lisa: What a creep. Kelly does not deserve that.
Jessie: And she didn't deserve to be snubbed by us either.
Slater: Right.
Kelly Kapowski: [Kelly returns with the milkshake Zack ordered and hears the song; she puts the milkshake on the table] Excuse me, Zack, can we talk?
Zack: [to Kimberly] This'll only take one second.
[Kisses her]
Zack: So. What's up, Kimber - oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.
Kelly Kapowski: Zack, this is our song, A-12. It's sacred.
Zack: No, no, no. A-12 *was* sacred. Right up until you dumped me for that jerk.
Kelly Kapowski: Don't you dare call him a jerk. You don't even know Jeff, and right now, the only jerk I see is you.
[Slaps him]
Zack: My gosh, can you believe her? I told her I wanted a strawberry shake instead, and she gets all upset.
Kimberly: I heard every word, you creep. How dare you use me to get back at your old girlfriend?
Zack: No, no, wa - oh!
[Kimberly throws the milkshake over him]

"Saved by the Bell: Jessie's Song (#2.9)" (1990)
Zack: [Kelly, Lisa and Jessie just sang a song and the guys were impressed] Hey, a friend of my dad is a record producer, and he's looking for a girls' group like New Kids on the Block.
Slater: Yeah, the "New Chicks on the Block."
Jessie: Thank you, "New Pig in the Booth."

Jessie: I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so, I'm so... scared!

Jessie: Eh, I hate coffee. Suzy, can I have another cup please?
Zack: So why are you drinking it?
Screech: What else is she gonna do with the coffee Zack?
Zack: Use your head as a donut and dunk you in it.
Screech: No way, my head would never fit in the cup.

[Zack admits to have gone into the ladies locker room]
Jessie: You violated our privacy? That is wrong, isn't it, Slater?
Slater: Uhhh... yeah, Preppie, you out to be ashamed of yourself. I'm disgusted.
[whispers in Zack's ear, disappointed]
Slater: Next time, bring *Me*!

Slater: [talking to Jessie] Guys are great at math. It's just a shame you weren't born a man.
Jessie: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't born one either.

Mr. Dewey: [telling grades for a quiz] Kelly B+, Lisa B+, Jessie C.
Jessie: C, C?
Mr. Dewey: Si, senorita, but this is geometry, not Spanish.

Jessie: [goes crazy and sings] I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...
[cries in Zack's arms]
Jessie: ...scared!

Slater: [Jessie is taking caffeine pills] Those pills are dangerous.
Jessie: Yeah, well, so's geometry!

"Saved by the Bell: Save the Max (#2.3)" (1990)
Lisa: [Talking about Slater's sports broadcast on the radio] Do you think we should be honest and tell him he stinks?
Jessie: How can we without hurting his feelings?
Screech: Why don't we just wave a skunk in front of him?
Screech: You know, Screech, for once you have a good idea?
Kelly: We can't do that. This is Slater's dream.
Jessie: You know, maybe we're being overcritical because we expected him to be better.
Lisa: I hope you're right.
Kelly: I bet the average listener thinks he's just fine.
[Spots three guys walking past the table]
Kelly: Excuse me, what do you guys think of Tiger Radio?
Student #1: Radical!
Student #2: Really cool!
Student #3: The best, man!
Zack: And, uh, what do you think of our sports reporter, A.C. Slater?
Student #1: Awful!
Student #2: The worst!
Student #3: Someone should wave a skunk in front of him.
Screech: [Looking self satisfied] See?

Jessie: You were the Big Bopper?
Mr. Belding: I was the Master Blaster. The Boss.
Lisa: I thought Springsteen was the Boss.
Mr. Belding: Nah, he stole it from me.

Zack: Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood morning, Bayside! Hey, and all you kids cuttin' school in the Palisades and at the beach, this is Wolfman Zack.
[Points to Screech, who then howls like a wolf]
Zack: Hey, it's Bayside's freshest, hottest, hippest new station, KKTY-FM, Tiger Radio!
[Points to Screech, who then roars like a tiger]
Jessie: [Cuts to Jessie's segment] Bad food hits Bayside, students hit bathrooms. This is Jessie Spano for KKTY News. I caught up with Mr. Belding running out of the cafeteria today, and he assured me that green meat would no longer be served.
Lisa: [Cuts to Lisa's segment] Hi, this is Lisa, your Galloping Gossip, with everyone you wanna know that's none of your business. Flash! Debbie DeMarco's new curves came with Debbie's new sweater.
Kelly Kapowski: [Cuts to Kelly's segment] Hello, this is Kelly Desire. It's evening, the candles are lit, and you're with the one you love. All that's missing is that special romantic song.
[Points to Screech, who puts on a rock 'n' roll record, she grimaces]
Screech: [Cuts to Screech's segment; he speaks with a strange accent] Thunder and lightning raged outside the old Victorian house. There was a scream...
Screech: Evelyn's heart pounded...
[Imitates heart beat by hitting his chest]
Screech: as she slowly opened the bedroom door.
[Imitates creaking door]
Screech: She saw an axe, and recognised the face of...
Zack: [Stops background music] Well, that's all the time we have today. Tune in tomorrow for another excitement installment of...
Screech: Screech's Mystery Theater!
Zack: And now, look alive, sports fans, 'cause on deck it's Tiger Radio's sportiest reporter, A.C. Slater!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In a stilted monotone] Hey. Thanks, Wolfman. Okay. First things first. Let's check out the old scoreboard, huh? I mean, hey, ha, gimme a break, it's not *that* old, right?
[Honks horn, Kelly jumps]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Anyway. In local, uh, high school action, it was - it was, Bayside 5, Valley 4. I guess that means we won, right Math majors?
[Honks horn again]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [a while later, the rest of the gang are all clearly bored and tired] This *is* A.C. Slater. And just remember, fans, in the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it.
[Honks horn, Zack puts music on]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Right. So what do you think?
Zack: [All exchange glances] Uh... we're thinkin' about it.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: See, Preppie. I told you I was good.
Zack: Hey, guys, I think I know what'd help Slater.
Jessie, Lisa, Kelly Kapowski: What?
Zack: A muzzle.

Zack: Now, that's it. We've gotta get rid of Slater.
Jessie: Why do we have to get rid of him?
Kelly: Yeah, why don't we help him?
Zack: Hey, good idea. We'll staple his lips.

Jessie: Zack, Zack. I was researching a news story, and I found out that the Bayside School District owns The Max.
Zack: You're kidding?
Jessie: No. And if Max doesn't come up with $10,000 in back rent by next week, our favorite hangout will be turned into a parking lot.

Mr. Belding: [about their broadcast denouncing the Bayside School Board] You guys are irresponsible!
Jessie: We have an obligation to report the truth.
Mr. Belding: Truth? You and Pinocchio Morris?

Jessie: [Lisa and Kelly appear with several copies of the school paper] The school paper just reviewed us!
Lisa: What did they say?
Kelly Kapowski: I dunno, I'm too nervous to look. What if he didn't like my outfit?
Lisa: Lisa, we're on the radio, remember? He can't see us.
Zack: [Each take a paper] Hey, look at this:
[Reading aloud]
Zack: "Tiger Radio really cooks when Wolfman Zack is on the prowl." Hey.
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Jessie Spano has a nose for news. And I smell a winner."
Jessie: [Reading aloud] "Kelly Desire's voice could heat your jacuzzi. The girl is H-O-T."
Kelly Kapowski: [Reading aloud] "Lisa's Galloping Gossip is off to a fast start. She's funny, charming, and a great dresser."
[Looks at Jessie]
Kelly Kapowski: See?
Zack: This guy really liked us.
Jessie: Uh, most of us.
[Reading aloud]
Jessie: "A.C. Slater stinks."
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Someone should wave a skunk in front of him"?
Kelly Kapowski: Poor Slater.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Slater appears] Hey, guys! What's up?
[the others move toward the lockers and stand with their backs to them, hiding the papers]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What are you doing?
Kelly Kapowski, Zack: Uh...
Kelly Kapowski: We're scratching our backs!
Zack: Yeah, you know, there's an itch going through the school.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What?
Screech: Hey, guys! The station just got reviewed!
[Zack groans]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, really? What'd he say about me?
Screech: You stink!

Jessie: Zack, Zack! I found what you're looking for.
Zack: Oh. A peephole in the girls' locker room?
Jessie: No.
Zack: Urgh.
Jessie: I found what Belding was hiding. Look what's in this old school newspaper from 1968.
Zack: [Reading headline aloud] "D.J. Belding Moons School Board? Picture on page three *and* four? Let's see this.
[Turns page]
Zack: Whoa, now that's a side of him I've never seen.

"Saved by the Bell: The Prom (#2.1)" (1990)
Jessie: [Jessie and Slater are looking for music for the prom] I can't believe you like these tapes.
Slater: Hey, what's wrong with Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson?
Jessie: Their music doesn't say anything.
Slater: Did you ever see them move? Ha, they're saying plenty, baby.

Lisa: Okay, now we have exactly 214 minutes to shop at the Palisades Mall before dinner.
[Pulls scroll down from inside her locker, revealing a map of the mall]
Lisa: Here's our route.
Jessie: You have a map of the mall?
Lisa: I have a map of every mall from here to Tijuana.
Kelly: Um, Lisa, I can't go to the mall with you.
Lisa: Why?
Kelly: I'm not going to the prom.
Jessie: Oh, no. Don't tell me Slater killed Zack?

Screech: [Screech sits beside Lisa in the theater] Guess who?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: [Lisa screams] Ssssshhhh!
Screech: [He has bought popcorn] I got the wide container so both our hands can fit in at once.
Lisa: Um, Screech, would you go get me some chocolate malt balls?
Screech: [Produces a pack of chocolate malt balls] I knew you'd want them!
Lisa: You know, popcorn really makes me thirsty. Do you think you could go and get me...
Screech: [Produces two drinks containers] Cola? Or Uncola?
Lisa: Uncola, please.
Screech: [Puts his arm around her shoulder to give her the drink, she tries to remove his arm] Hey, no arm, no soda.
Lisa: [Watching the film] When do the zombies fall in love?
Screech: Ssh, you'll see.
Lisa: Is that the zombie?
Screech: No, that's his mother-in-law, his mombie.
Lisa: Where's Matt Dillon?
Screech: [sighing] He's not in this movie. Just watch.
Lisa: Look, there's the zombie!
Screech: Sssh!
Lisa: What?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: Quiet!
Lisa: He's cute for a dead guy.
Screech: That's the female zombie. Can't you see she's wearing high heels? You're into fashion.
Lisa: Are you sure Matt Dillon's not in this movie?
Screech: Yes, Alan Thicke is the zombie. Everybody knows that.

Jessie: You know we haven't fought for 15 seconds?
Slater: It was 20, shut up.

Slater: Hey, um... do you, uh, have a date for the prom?
Jessie: Uh... no, not yet. How about you?
Slater: Well, not exactly. You know, I'm still narrowing it down? You think that, uh, I don't know, you, perhaps, would, uh...?
Jessie: Slater, are you asking *me* to go to the prom with *you*?
Slater: Maybe. You interested?
Jessie: Maybe.
Slater: Maybe... pick you up at 7?
Jessie: No. I'll pick *you* up at 7.

Screech: Gee, Lisa, I can't believe we're finally on a date together. Are you having a good time?
[Screech is sitting next to Slater, with the entire gang sitting between Screech and Lisa]
Slater: [Passing the message on to Jessie] Are you having a good time?
Jessie: [Passing the message on to Zack] Are you having a good time?
Zack: [Passing the message on to Kelly] Are you having a good time?
Kelly: [Passing the message on to Lisa] Are you having a good time?
Lisa: Yes!
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Yes!

"Saved by the Bell: Driver's Education (#2.4)" (1990)
Mr. Tuttle: [Teaching Driver's Ed class] Now, Jessie, what's the speed limit on most freeways? You know this one, you know this one, you know this one.
Jessie: 55 miles per hour.
Mr. Tuttle: Excellent! I wish you were my child. Now, can you pass someone over a double yellow line? Kelly.
Kelly: No, you can't.
Mr. Tuttle: This is why I went into teaching! Okay, Lisa, listen up. Why do you put your left arm straight out the window?
Lisa: That's easy: to dry your nails.

Zack: Why's everybody so down?
Jessie Spano: None of us have enough money for a car.
Zack: Well, I'm gonna drive my father's Porsche when I turn 16.
Lisa: Ha! Slip into your PJs, baby, 'cause you're dreamin'.

Screech: Well, Slater, your Malibu Classic, my Valiant. We know what kind of wheels chicks dig.
Jessie: Excuse me, little man, but we are not "chicks".
Slater: She's right, Screech. Listen to the babe.
Jessie: I'm not a "babe".
Slater: And I respect that, Sugar Lips.

Slater: [Entering garage] I just couldn't believe it when I saw it on the lot. It's exactly the car I wanted.
[Turns lights on, revealing old, beaten up car]
Slater: Well? What do you think?
Lisa: Uh, it's, uh... nice. Really nice... really.
[Turns to Jessie]
Jessie: Yeah... it's, it's, uh... all Lisa said. Gosh, it's got a licence play holder too.
[Licence plate holder falls off]

Jessie: Slater, why don't you be a man and confess?
Slater: Jessie, why don't you be a woman and cook?

"Saved by the Bell: My Boyfriend's Back (#3.8)" (1991)
Kelly: Maybe he's giving us all raises.
Jessie: Kelly, are you taking stupid vitamins again? We're lucky he pays us in American money.

Slater: Wow, a KLF300 B3, oh, with a two belt, four stroke engine and an automatic clutch.
[Jessie hits him]
Slater: Hey, what's that for?
Jessie: I'm not sure. But it *sounds* sexist!

Jessie: [On the phone] I'm sorry, Mrs. Johnson, we do not give refunds for cloudy days.

Kelly: [the girls go to answer the door late at night and Jessie holds a baseball bat] Jessie, put the bat down.
Jessie: No, if that's a robber, this bat's gonna scare him away.
Lisa: You're not gonna need the bat, honey, just nag him to death like you do everyone else!

"Saved by the Bell: Zack's War (#2.2)" (1990)
Jessie: [to Lieutenant Adams] Why aren't women allowed on the front line?
Slater: Because we need cooks.

Lt. Chet Adams: The highlight of every Cadet Corps program is an athletic competition. This helps develop physical skills, teamwork, and it's the Army's way of separating the men from the boys.
Jessie: Excuse me?
Lt. Chet Adams: I mean, the persons from the persons.
Jessie: Thank you.
Lt. Chet Adams: Now, there'll be a red team and a blue team. Choice of colors alright with you, Miss Spano?
Jessie: [Smiling] Yes.
Jessie: But it's "Ms".

Slater: [to Jessie] Alright, go for it, Mama.
Jessie: Okay, Papa!

Lt. Chet Adams: Since the rope broke, this is the tie-breaking event. The super obstacle course. Each team will choose one man -
[Looking at Jessie]
Lt. Chet Adams: I mean, one person, to compete.
Jessie: Very good, Lieutenant.
Lt. Chet Adams: I'm trying, Cadet Spano.

"Saved by the Bell: The Friendship Business (#1.11)" (1989)
Lisa: [Lisa hands Kelly and Jessie bracelets] Here guys, these are for you.
Kelly: Gee, thanks.
Jessie: These are nice.
Lisa: I made these friendship bracelets in Fashion Club.
Screech: Did you make one for me?
Lisa: For you, I'm making a friendship muzzle.
Screech: I'm speechless.
Lisa: That's the idea.

Student: [Zack puts a student off buying one of Jessie's Buddy Bands] I want my money back.
Kelly: Why? Is there something wrong?
Jessie: We'll be glad to refund your money if your Buddy Band's defective.
Student: *Belding's* wearing one! You can't *get* more defective than *that*!

Kelly: Poor Zack. He looks so alone.
Jessie: Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Screech: Yeah, let's get more fries!

Mr. Tuttle: You gave away your inventory? The goal of this project was to run a successful business.
Zack: We'd rather be friends.
Mr. Tuttle: I see.
Zack: So we're ready for whatever grade you wanna give us.
Jessie: But please don't make it too low. I hyperventilate.

"Saved by the Bell: The Babysitters (#2.14)" (1990)
Mr. Richard Belding: [Talking over loudspeaker] Attention, please. This is Mr. Belding.
Jessie Spano: [Billy starts to cry] We feel the same way, kid.

Mrs. Hatcher: [Jessie and Lisa are trying to direct Screech to Billy using hand signals] Uh, Miss Spano, Miss Turtle, what is it that you are doing?
Lisa Turtle: Uh, drying our nails?
Jessie Spano: Actually, we're on the Spirit Squad.
Max: Jessie, I already took that picture this morning. You were great.
Jessie Spano: We just can't help ourselves.
[to Lisa]
Jessie Spano: We've got so much spirit left over, don't we?
Lisa Turtle: Yeah, we're just full of it.
[Screech shrugs his shoulders, unable to find Billy]
Lisa Turtle: In fact, here's one of our latest cheers.
Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano: [to Screech] Move it to the left! Move it to the right! Further to the right! Not there! Yes, there! You got it! You got it!... Fight, fight, fight!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: None of us are leaving this floor until we find my baby!
Lisa Turtle: Your baby? Zack, I think you're getting hysterical.
Jessie Spano: Zack, don't worry, we'll find him. Besides, it's not your fault.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Joins them] So where's the bambino?
Jessie Spano: Zack lost him.

Kelly Kapowski: So where's Billy?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Uh... Bi-Billy? Billy! Uh... short, bald guy, drools a lot?
Kelly Kapowski: My baby brother. Come on, guys, where's Billy?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Ha! Where's Billy? Uh, Jessie, why don't you go get him?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Yeah.
Jessie Spano: Yeah, I'll go find him. I mean, I'll go get him. I mean, I'm going now. Yeah... that's it.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Good luck! I-I mean, see you later!

"Saved by the Bell: The Fabulous Belding Boys (#2.15)" (1990)
Jessie: [Planning the school trip] We should do something significant. Let's picket a nuclear power plant.
Zack: Why don't you save that for your honeymoon?

Zack: [the gang are studying for the History test] Come on, guys, all we have to do is study the material and Dickerson can't stop us from goin' on the trip.
Jessie: Zack's right.
Mr. Dickerson: [Zack sees Mr. Dickerson in his book] You'll never pass my test, Zackie.
[Cuts to Kelly, who sees Mr. Dickerson in one of Zack's posters]
Mr. Dickerson: Psst! Your looks won't get you through this one, cheerleader.
[Cuts to Jessie and Slater, who see Mr. Dickerson in Jessie's book, singing]
Mr. Dickerson: F, F, F, you're both getting an "F"!
[Jessie slams book shut]
Zack: I need a break.
Lisa: Yeah, let's watch Fresh Prince.
Mr. Dickerson: [Jessie turns on the television, revealing Mr. Dickerson in front of a chalkboard, rapping] You think you're smart, you think you're hip, put your books away, 'cause there's no class trip!

Rod Belding: You guys are really brave.
Jessie: What do you mean?
Rod Belding: You're letting my brother lead you into the woods. When he was 12, we camped out on the front lawn, and he got lost.

Jessie: White water rafting?
Zack: Yeah. I mean, it'll be a trip we'll never forget, Jessie.
Slater: Hey, I've done it, Mama. Let me tell you, it's the greatest thrill you've ever had. Well, except for dating me, of course.
Jessie: Oh, please. Should I throw up now or save it for the raft?

"Saved by the Bell: Screech's Birthday (#4.19)" (1992)
Jessie Spano: We're all trying out for the drama festival. I'm auditioning as Joan of Arc.
A.C. Slater: Hey, doesn't she die in that play?
Jessie Spano: Yes.
A.C. Slater: Go for it.

Zack Morris: Wait. I've got it. This is genius. Today, we'll give Screech a surprise party.
A.C. Slater: But his birthday was yesterday.
Lisa Turtle: That's the surprise.
Zack Morris: Now this will make Bayside history. It won't be just any surprise party. It'll be the most daring birthday party ever!
Kelly Kapowski: Sounds exciting.
Jessie Spano: Wait, I don't know about this. It sounds dangerous. I'm getting nervous!
A.C. Slater: Will someone shoot her with a tranquilizer dart?

Lisa Turtle: [Pretending to bicker] Oh, you guys don't stand a chance. I'm gonna win that drama festival.
Jessie Spano: Oh, no way! My Joan of Arc will light up the stage!
Kelly Kapowski: Only if they burn you at the stake!

"Saved by the Bell: Model Students (#2.10)" (1990)
[the girls find out that Zack has used their pictures in the "Girls of Bayside" calendar]
Jessie: You didn't have the right!
Kelly: You didn't get permission!
Lisa: You didn't get my good side!

[Lisa, Kelly, and Jessie look at the calendars]
Kelly: Lisa, you're October. I'm November?
Lisa: Well, who's December?
Kelly: [gasps] Mr. Belding is December?
[Mr. Belding's face is shown on a girl's body]
Zack: Ho, ho, ho!
Screech: Well, there's only 11 girls on the swim team, so we had to put Belding's head on one of the girls' bodies.
Jessie: That is MY body!
Slater: Ugh, I'm gonna dream about *Belding* tonight.

Jessie: Excuse me. but the true beauty of woman cannot be captured with a camera.
Adam Trask: Well, these photos'll be seen all over the world.
Jessie: [changing her mind] Although, I'm told they're doing incredible things with cameras these days!

"Saved by the Bell: The Last Weekend (#3.12)" (1991)
Billy: Would you go with me to my little league banquet?
Kelly Kapowski: Oh, that's so sweet!
Billy: You're looking at little slugger of the year.
Kelly Kapowski: Oh, Billy, you're really cute, and I'm very flattered, but I can't go out with you. You're just a little boy.
Billy: Little boy?
[He walks off]
Kelly Kapowski: Oh, Billy, wait, I didn't mean...
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: Don't worry, Kelly. He'll get over it.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: After *many* years of therapy.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Aloha, dudes! Meet Cynthia. She's the chick I rescued this afternoon.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: It's just too bad it took all summer for you guys to get together.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: No, it's okay. She just moved to town and she's going to Bayside. Come on, babe, let's get a burger.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: "Chick"? "Babe"? Are you gonna take that from him?
Cynthia: With dimples like those, he can say whatever he wants.

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: [Jessie finds Zack alone on the beach] You need a friend?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Wouldn't hurt.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [the rest of the gang appear] How about five friends?

"Saved by the Bell: Running Zack (#2.13)" (1990)
Jessie: Lisa, you were great in the 100-yard dash.
Lisa: Oh, thanks, but I owe my victory to Screech.
Screech: You do?
Lisa: Oh yes, I pretended you were chasing me.

Slater: [Everyone is talking about their ancestors] My great-grandfather was brave too. He was a bullfighter.
Zack: That's cool.
Jessie: Nah, bullfighting is barbaric.
Slater: No it isn't, bullfighting's a sport.
Jessie: It would only be a sport if the bull has a sword, too.

Jessie: Zack, what about your ancestors?
Zack: My ancestors? Adam and Eve.
Screech: I didn't know Adam and Eve's last name was Morris.

"Saved by the Bell: The Mamas and the Papas (#1.12)" (1989)
Jessie: Look, Slater, since we both work, we should share the household chores.
Slater: Fine. You cook, I'll eat.

Jessie: You macho pig.
Slater: Oink, oink, baby.

Jessie: Haven't you ever heard of the Women's Movement?
Slater: Well, sure. Put on something cute and move it into the kitchen.

"Saved by the Bell: From Nurse to Worse (#2.16)" (1990)
Lisa: Some people get a little strange when it's time to see Nurse Butcher.
Jessie: Not me, I'm in perfect health. I eat properly, exercise daily, get the right amount of rest.
Slater: You sound like a commercial for oat bran.

Jessie: I need an honest answer. How do I look in these frames?
[Puts on glasses]
Lisa: Ridiculous! You're lucky you don't have to wear 'em.
Kelly: Well I don't think they're that bad.
Jessie: Thanks, Kelly.
Screech: Hey, nice glasses, Jessie!
Jessie: Oh, do you really like them?
Screech: Yeah, all my grandmother's friends wear the same kind!

Jessie: Look, Kelly is really upset. You asked her to go steady and now you're backing off. What's up?
Zack: Look, Jessie, I can't tell you.
Jessie: Zack, we've been friends since the first grade. You can trust me.
Zack: Well, alright. Do you promise not to tell any of the guys?
Jessie: I promise. Tell me.
Zack: I'm in love with the new school nurse.
Jessie: You pig. How is Kelly gonna feel when you dump her for some flu shot floozy?

"Saved by the Bell: The Substitute (#1.7)" (1989)
Tony Crane: Now what do you think that means? Jessie?
Jessie: Whatever you say, Tony. I mean, Mr. Crane.

Tony Crane: I said we'll continue this tomorrow.
Kelly, Lisa, Jessie: We'll wait.

Tony Crane: Well, I just wanted Vicki to meet some of my students. Ms. Simpson will be back on Monday, so this was my last day. "O, that a joy past joy calls out on me, that it were a grief, so brief, to part with thee."
Kelly, Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano: Goodbye, Mr. Crane!

"Saved by the Bell: Wicked Stepbrother: Part 1 (#3.13)" (1991)
Jessie: I have had it with Eric. He took my TV, my hairdryer and my room. I am in crisis.

Kelly: Jessie let's go to the lost and found.
Jessie: Why?
Kelly: Because you've lost it.

"Saved by the Bell: Rent-a-Pop (#2.7)" (1990)
Mr. Belding: Alright, let's make this quick. I have a school to run.
Zack: Well, Mr. Belding, I think you're of one the best, no, *the* best Principal in the history of principalisms. Does everybody agree?
Jessie, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, Screech: Oh, yeah!
Mr. Belding: Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Slater: [Slater is fixing one of the carnival games, sitting above a tank of water and Jessie picks up the balls used to throw at the target ] Very tempting.
Jessie: Ha, don't even think about it. Of course, you're a girl, so it's not like you could hit it anyway.
[She throws and misses]
Slater: You know what I like about you, Jessie? You throw just like a girl. Hey, why don't you just hire a man to do it?
Jessie: [She throws again, hits the target and Slater falls in the water; he resurfaces and Jessie smiles] I hope pigs can swim.

"Saved by the Bell: Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind (#2.12)" (1990)
Jessie: [after Screech's fake "unveiling"] He really is an alien!
Lisa: This explains *so* much!

Zack: [Directing Jessie for the student film] Alright. Now, Jessie, you're the History teacher. Now, the alien creature will come through that door and suck out your brain.
Jessie: Zack, why can't he suck out your brain?
Slater: Because someone already did.

"Saved by the Bell: Cream for a Day (#1.8)" (1989)
Kelly: Hey, guys. The truth: how do I look?
Lisa: Full of cheer!
Kelly: I'm serious. I wanna be Queen.
Lisa: Well, we'll let you know if anything happens to Princess Di.
Kelly: I'm talking about Homecoming Queen.
Jessie: Come on, you're a shoo-in. Guys bribe teachers just to sit beside you in class.
Kelly: What if they find out I wear a retainer at night?
Lisa: [Loudly] How is *anyone* gonna find out you wear a retainer?
Nerd: Wanna join our retainer club?

Kelly: It may look like a freckle now, but by the end of the day, I'll look like Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Jessie: Fine. Then you lead the way.

"Saved by the Bell: Slater's Friend (#4.23)" (1992)
Kelly Kapowski: Jessie, I thought you were gonna picket the oil company.
Jessie Spano: Urgh, we never got there. We ran out of gas. Mom *refused* to fill up out of principle.

Kelly Kapowski: [Looking at Artie] Aww, he looks so peaceful when he sleeps.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, please. You're going gaga over something that burps bugs.
Jessie Spano: I think he looks a little pale.
Kelly Kapowski: Maybe he's sick.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Why would he be sick? Hey, Screech, come here. Take a peek at Artie. Does he look any different to you?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: No.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: See?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Except for the fact that he's dead.

"Saved by the Bell: The Election (#1.13)" (1989)
Jessie: Your understanding of politics is limited to who won the election on 'Sesame Street'.

Jessie: [In response to Zack's propaganda video] Stop him. He's making a Mocracy of Demockery!

"Saved by the Bell: 1-900-CRUSHED (#2.11)" (1990)
Slater: Hey, mama, wanna have a burger with a real man?
Jessie: Sure, I'll go find one.

[Jessie & Slater are at war with each other]
Mr. Belding: I wanna know what's going on right now.
Jessie: [pointing to Slater] Ask brillo-head, he started it.
Mr. Belding: Well, Brillo-He - -I mean, Slater...

"Saved by the Bell: Beauty and the Screech (#1.10)" (1989)
Kelly Kapowski: [Looking at Kelly, who is daydreaming] Well, she's got all the symptoms: glassy eyes, goofy look.
Lisa Turtle: Mismatched wardrobe. It can only mean one thing.
Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano: [Turning to look at each other] Crush!
Jessie Spano: Come on, Kelly. Who are you thinking about?
Lisa Turtle: Is he cute?
Kelly Kapowski: Well, kind of. He's real intelligent, got a great sense of humor, and he's really fun to be with.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, if I found someone like that, I'd never let him go.
Jessie Spano: So give already. Who is it?
Kelly Kapowski: Screech.
[Lisa spits out her drink in horror]
Jessie Spano: Kelly, you're kidding, right?
Kelly Kapowski: No, I had so much fun studying with Screech in his room last night.
Lisa Turtle: You were in his room? Urgh, didn't the bats bother you?
Kelly Kapowski: That is just a rumor. None of his creatures can fly. You know, Lisa, you really oughta give Screech a chance.
Lisa Turtle: I'd rather give Chickenpox a chance.
Kelly Kapowski: Hey, I'm telling you, Screech can be really charming.
Jessie Spano: He *definitely* did something to her brain.
Kelly Kapowski: He did. I'm seeing Screech in a completely different way.
Lisa Turtle: The best way is blindfolded.

"Saved by the Bell: Pinned to the Mat (#1.9)" (1989)
Marvin Nedick: [to Slater] To me, you look like a chicken.
[Imitates chicken]
Jessie: Let me tell you something, Bubba. It takes a stronger man not to fight, so why don't you go back into the mist with the other gorillas?

"Saved by the Bell: The Senior Prom (#4.17)" (1992)
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Hey, feel that heat.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: Yeah, it's like a furnace.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: It is a furnace.

"Saved by the Bell: Boss Lady (#3.10)" (1991)
Stacey Carosi: Look, I promise to take this up with my father as soon as he gets back.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: Oh, you promise. Why should any oppressed people have faith in the promise of a heartless ruling class?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, Jessie, come off it!
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: Oh, Zack, you wouldn't understand. You live in a world of privilege.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Yeah, and you live next door to me!

"Saved by the Bell: Screech's Woman (#1.5)" (1989)
Kelly: [to Jessie and Zack, who is dressed as "Bambi"] I'm going to the girls' room. You wanna come?
Zack: Oh, why not? Sounds like fun!
Jessie: Freeze!

"Saved by the Bell: No Hope with Dope (#3.21)" (1991)
Kelly: [the "Don't Do Drugs" commercial] Dumb.
Slater: Stupid.
Lisa: Crazy.
Jessie: Dangerous.
Screech: Stinks.
Zack: In one word, would I use dope? Nope.
Brandon Tartikoff: These kids are right. Drugs will your hurt your mind, your body and your life. Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff, chairman of NBC Entertainment, and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: don't do drugs.
Kelly, Slater, Lisa, Jessie, Screech, Zack: There's no hope with dope!

"Saved by the Bell: The Gift (#1.3)" (1989)
Lisa: I cannot run track today. You know, I have so much food inside of me, you could put a quarter in my mouth and a bag of Doritos would come poppin' out?
Kelly: Lisa, you have got to stop doing this to yourself.
Lisa: That's easy for you to say, nothing bothers you.
Kelly: Oh yeah? Lots of things bother me. I just don't let them drive me bananas.
Lisa: You have one?
Kelly: Lisa, come on. If you keep obsessing about your grades, you know what you're gonna end up like?
Jessie: [Jessie rushes in] You know, you guys, I just remembered there was one time that I did not get an "A"? I was in the fourth grade. Mr. Simmons had a nervous breakdown and gave the entire class "L"s and "Q"s.

"Saved by the Bell: Date Auction (#3.15)" (1991)
Jessie: [Jessie, Kelly and Lisa are in the girls' locker room with some other girls] Now, about this date auction, if any one of you sweeties dare bid on my Slater, I'll hunt you down in the streets like a rabid dog.
[Slams locker door shut]
Jessie: Thank you. Have a nice day.
[Other girls leave]
Kelly: [Chuckles] Come on, Jessie, lighten up. This date auction's for a good cause.
Lisa: Besides, the guys wanna do it. So it's not sexist, it's sexy.
Jessie: You both make interesting points. Really. Fascinating. But if either of you bid on Slater, you're dead. You got me?
[Slams locker door shut and leaves]
Lisa: Who put sandpaper on her toilet seat?

"Saved by the Bell: The Last Dance (#3.1)" (1991)
Jessie: [Discussing the ball] Alright, I'd like to discuss the coronation ceremony of the King and Queen.
Zack: Hey, that's a good idea. Where should Kelly and I stand?
Slater: Behind Jessie and me, with all the other losers.

"Saved by the Bell: Zack's Birthday (#3.2)" (1991)
Jessie Spano: Look, if you don't want to hire Kelly as a lifeguard just because she's a woman, that's discrimination.
Leon Carosi: Well, you like to throw your two cents in, don't you?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Boy, you have no idea!

"Saved by the Bell: The Glee Club (#2.18)" (1990)
Zack Morris: [after Violet quits the Glee Club] Well, Jessie, it's up to you. You gotta take over. You're the only one with a voice as good as Violet's.
Jessie: [raspy voice] You wanna bet? I caught Lisa's cold!
[everyone glares at Lisa]
Lisa: Sorry!

"Saved by the Bell: Mystery Weekend (#3.26)" (1991)
Screech: Lisa, don't drink that!
[Lisa spits out her water]
Screech: It might be poison!
Lisa: You're right, *You* drink it!
[hands glass to Screech]
Screech: [sips] Hm. Tastes fine to me; I'll live!
Lisa, Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Darn!

"Saved by the Bell: Dancing to the Max (#1.1)" (1989)
Kelly: What happened to you?
Lisa: I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.
Jessie: Why?
Lisa: I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.

"Saved by the Bell: King of the Hill (#1.15)" (1989)
Lisa: [about The Max] It sure beats eating in the school cafeteria.
Jessie: Yeah. It's nice to see a hamburger you don't have to comb.

"Saved by the Bell: Fatal Distraction (#1.4)" (1989)
Jessie: Can you believe that Tony Kramer tried to make out with me in the middle of Working Girl?
Lisa: What's wrong with that?
Jessie: I didn't go with him. I went with Billy Bostwick. Tony was sitting right behind us, and what a jerk. He left his retainer in my hair!

"Saved by the Bell: Pipe Dreams (#3.11)" (1991)
Zack: He's absolutely right, we're not just taking something away, we're putting something back. Jessie.
Jessie: Because of your oil spills yesterday, we put 20 dead animals back in the ground.
Mr. Phelps: Well we are sorry about that but it *was* an accident.
Lisa: Yeah but can you guarantee it won't happen again?

"Saved by the Bell: Blind Dates (#2.6)" (1990)
Zack: Jessie, don't be ridiculous, there are a lot of guys who are taller than you.
Jessie: Oh really? Name one
Zack: Karim Abdul-Jabbar?

"Saved by the Bell: Miss Bayside (#2.8)" (1990)
Jessie: [Mr. Belding has just announced that the school will hold a beauty pageant] A beauty pageant? What a stupid, sexist waste of time!
Slater: Not if you're in a teeny bikini, Mama!