Jessie Spano
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Quotes for
Jessie Spano (Character)
from "Saved by the Bell" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Saved by the Bell: The Aftermath (#3.3)" (1991)
Jessie: Zack, that's not fair. Don't make us choose between you and Kelly.
Slater: Yeah, you're way out of line.
Zack: Oh, and she wasn't way out of line when she smacked me?
Lisa: Honey, if I were Kelly, you'd still be pullin' a hairbrush out your ear, now don't get me started!
[Snaps fingers]

Slater: Hey, Preppie, how's it going?
Lisa: Yeah, are you okay?
Jessie: He'll be fine. Just leave him alone.
Zack: What's the big deal? Am I supposed to be upset about something?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well, yeah, I mean, after Kelly dumped you the other night, I'm surprised you even got outta bed!
Lisa: Maybe you'll meet somebody at my sweet sixteen party. Now, remember you guys, it's this Saturday. Only five shopping days left.
Zack: It sounds excellent.
Lisa: Well, here's your invitation.
[Hands one to Zack]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Jessie]
Lisa: And yours.
[Hands one to Slater, ignoring Screech]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Well don't I get one?
Lisa: [pauses] Well, okay, but if you have a previous engagement, I understand. In fact, I'll pay for it!

Slater: You know, Zack, like my Uncle Charlie used to say: "Women are like vines. If you fall off one, hey, you can swing with another."
Jessie: You know, you're not just a pig, you are a gorilla-pig.

Miss Simpson: [Miss Simpson is extremely hard of hearing] Good morning, class.
Jessie, Slater, Zack, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa, Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Rest of Class: Good morning, Miss Simpson.
Miss Simpson: I said, "Good morning, class." Didn't your parents teach you any manners?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Uh, Miss Simpson, I have a doctor's appointment today. May I leave class early?
Miss Simpson: Yes, your hair is curly. Now, let's get started. Today, we turn to the romantic poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. So, let's have Bayside's most loved couple recite a poem for us. Zack and Kelly, if you please.
Jessie: No! No, n-I, well, I mean, let's me and Slater read it instead.
Miss Simpson: Oh, Miss Spano, don't be such a ham.

Lisa: When I was four years old, my father promised me anything I wanted for my sweet sixteen birthday party.
Jessie: So?
Lisa: So, he let me down!
Jessie: Well, what do you want?
Lisa: MC Hammer.
Jessie: Lisa, aren't you overdoing it a bit?
Lisa: Girl, I turn sixteen once. It's going to be the social event of the season.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Screech joins them] Ah, do you want me to jump out of the cake, babe?
Lisa: No, I'd like you to jump into the cake while it's baking.

Lisa: Why are you ruining Zack's life?
Kelly Kapowski: Whoa, what are you talking about?
Jessie: Zack was at the movies last night.
Kelly Kapowski: People go to the movies all the time.
Lisa: But not all of them make out in front of their ex-boyfriends.
Kelly Kapowski: We were *not* making out. We were just cuddling.
Jessie: You know, Kelly, I'd hoped you'd be a little more sensitive. You know, at least you've got somebody.
Lisa: Yeah.
Kelly Kapowski: What am I supposed to do? Call ahead before I go anyplace to see if Zack's there?
Lisa, Jessie: Yes!
Kelly Kapowski: You know, you're the one who told me to be honest about Jeff. And now you're telling me to hide it?
Lisa, Jessie: *Yes*!
Kelly Kapowski: If you two are sharing a brain, why don't you get one that works?

Lisa: [Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Sue] I know this girl who would love to go out with you. Her name is Sue, and besides being pretty, she's got a great mind. And she loves to read, so she's got a lot to say.
Sue: So, like, I figured Danielle Steel must be writing all of Jackie Collins' romance novels, because, like, they're all the same!
[Chuckles]
Sue: Well, not exactly the same, I mean, they have to be, like, a little bit different or everybody would know, okay?
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Sue: You know, have you read Hollywood Wives?
Jessie: [Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Cassie, who tips her tub of popcorn up to get to the last of the popcorn] You have got to go out with Cassie. She's got a great personality, and she has an insatiable hunger for life.
Cassie: You know, after the movie, we should go to Antonio's 'cause I have this craving for a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Cassie: [Cassie gasps] I'm out of popcorn!
[Zack gives her his popcorn]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Voiceover] You never met my cousin Kimberly, did you? A lot of guys think she's cute if you like that long-legged, gorgeous, blonde ballerina-type.
Kimberly: Oh, he's so mean! I hope they catch him.
[Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream]
Kimberly: Oh, no!
[Clutches Zack]
Zack: Kim, how would you feel about a burger after the movie? I know a great place where we can go.

Kelly Kapowski: [Trying to smooth things over] Hi, guys. How ya doin'?
Slater: Okay. I'll have a double cheeseburger.
Jessie: Cheeseburger.
Lisa: Cheeseburger.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Do you have any specials?
[Lisa hits him]
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Oh. Cheeseburger.
Kelly Kapowski: How's Zack doing?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: See? You guys are wrong! She does remember his name.

Zack: Would you like to dance?
Kimberly: I'd love to.
Zack: Alright.
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: [Zack chooses song on the jukebox and starts dancing with Kimberly] Whoa. That's A-12. Zack and Kelly's song.
Lisa: Why would he do that? That's so cruel!
Jessie: To get even with her.
Lisa: What a creep. Kelly does not deserve that.
Jessie: And she didn't deserve to be snubbed by us either.
Slater: Right.
Kelly Kapowski: [Kelly returns with the milkshake Zack ordered and hears the song; she puts the milkshake on the table] Excuse me, Zack, can we talk?
Zack: [to Kimberly] This'll only take one second.
[Kisses her]
Zack: So. What's up, Kimber - oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.
Kelly Kapowski: Zack, this is our song, A-12. It's sacred.
Zack: No, no, no. A-12 *was* sacred. Right up until you dumped me for that jerk.
Kelly Kapowski: Don't you dare call him a jerk. You don't even know Jeff, and right now, the only jerk I see is you.
[Slaps him]
Zack: My gosh, can you believe her? I told her I wanted a strawberry shake instead, and she gets all upset.
Kimberly: I heard every word, you creep. How dare you use me to get back at your old girlfriend?
Zack: No, no, wa - oh!
[Kimberly throws the milkshake over him]


"Saved by the Bell: Jessie's Song (#2.9)" (1990)
Zack: [Kelly, Lisa and Jessie just sang a song and the guys were impressed] Hey, a friend of my dad is a record producer, and he's looking for a girls' group like New Kids on the Block.
Slater: Yeah, the "New Chicks on the Block."
Jessie: Thank you, "New Pig in the Booth."

Jessie: I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so, I'm so... scared!

Jessie: Eh, I hate coffee. Suzy, can I have another cup please?
Zack: So why are you drinking it?
Screech: What else is she gonna do with the coffee Zack?
Zack: Use your head as a donut and dunk you in it.
Screech: No way, my head would never fit in the cup.

[Zack admits to have gone into the ladies locker room]
Jessie: You violated our privacy? That is wrong, isn't it, Slater?
Slater: Uhhh... yeah, Preppie, you out to be ashamed of yourself. I'm disgusted.
[whispers in Zack's ear, disappointed]
Slater: Next time, bring *Me*!

Slater: [talking to Jessie] Guys are great at math. It's just a shame you weren't born a man.
Jessie: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't born one either.

Mr. Dewey: [telling grades for a quiz] Kelly B+, Lisa B+, Jessie C.
Jessie: C, C?
Mr. Dewey: Si, senorita, but this is geometry, not Spanish.

Jessie: [goes crazy and sings] I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...
[cries in Zack's arms]
Jessie: ...scared!

Slater: [Jessie is taking caffeine pills] Those pills are dangerous.
Jessie: Yeah, well, so's geometry!


"Saved by the Bell: Save the Max (#2.3)" (1990)
Lisa: [Talking about Slater's sports broadcast on the radio] Do you think we should be honest and tell him he stinks?
Jessie: How can we without hurting his feelings?
Screech: Why don't we just wave a skunk in front of him?
Screech: You know, Screech, for once you have a good idea?
Kelly: We can't do that. This is Slater's dream.
Jessie: You know, maybe we're being overcritical because we expected him to be better.
Lisa: I hope you're right.
Kelly: I bet the average listener thinks he's just fine.
[Spots three guys walking past the table]
Kelly: Excuse me, what do you guys think of Tiger Radio?
Student #1: Radical!
Student #2: Really cool!
Student #3: The best, man!
Zack: And, uh, what do you think of our sports reporter, A.C. Slater?
Student #1: Awful!
Student #2: The worst!
Student #3: Someone should wave a skunk in front of him.
Screech: [Looking self satisfied] See?

Jessie: You were the Big Bopper?
Mr. Belding: I was the Master Blaster. The Boss.
Lisa: I thought Springsteen was the Boss.
Mr. Belding: Nah, he stole it from me.

Zack: Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood morning, Bayside! Hey, and all you kids cuttin' school in the Palisades and at the beach, this is Wolfman Zack.
[Points to Screech, who then howls like a wolf]
Zack: Hey, it's Bayside's freshest, hottest, hippest new station, KKTY-FM, Tiger Radio!
[Points to Screech, who then roars like a tiger]
Jessie: [Cuts to Jessie's segment] Bad food hits Bayside, students hit bathrooms. This is Jessie Spano for KKTY News. I caught up with Mr. Belding running out of the cafeteria today, and he assured me that green meat would no longer be served.
Lisa: [Cuts to Lisa's segment] Hi, this is Lisa, your Galloping Gossip, with everyone you wanna know that's none of your business. Flash! Debbie DeMarco's new curves came with Debbie's new sweater.
Kelly Kapowski: [Cuts to Kelly's segment] Hello, this is Kelly Desire. It's evening, the candles are lit, and you're with the one you love. All that's missing is that special romantic song.
[Points to Screech, who puts on a rock 'n' roll record, she grimaces]
Screech: [Cuts to Screech's segment; he speaks with a strange accent] Thunder and lightning raged outside the old Victorian house. There was a scream...
[Screams]
Screech: Evelyn's heart pounded...
[Imitates heart beat by hitting his chest]
Screech: as she slowly opened the bedroom door.
[Imitates creaking door]
Screech: She saw an axe, and recognised the face of...
Zack: [Stops background music] Well, that's all the time we have today. Tune in tomorrow for another excitement installment of...
Screech: Screech's Mystery Theater!
Zack: And now, look alive, sports fans, 'cause on deck it's Tiger Radio's sportiest reporter, A.C. Slater!
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [In a stilted monotone] Hey. Thanks, Wolfman. Okay. First things first. Let's check out the old scoreboard, huh? I mean, hey, ha, gimme a break, it's not *that* old, right?
[Honks horn, Kelly jumps]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Anyway. In local, uh, high school action, it was - it was, Bayside 5, Valley 4. I guess that means we won, right Math majors?
[Honks horn again]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [a while later, the rest of the gang are all clearly bored and tired] This *is* A.C. Slater. And just remember, fans, in the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it.
[Honks horn, Zack puts music on]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Right. So what do you think?
Zack: [All exchange glances] Uh... we're thinkin' about it.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: See, Preppie. I told you I was good.
[Leaves]
Zack: Hey, guys, I think I know what'd help Slater.
Jessie, Lisa, Kelly Kapowski: What?
Zack: A muzzle.

Zack: Now, that's it. We've gotta get rid of Slater.
Jessie: Why do we have to get rid of him?
Kelly: Yeah, why don't we help him?
Zack: Hey, good idea. We'll staple his lips.

Jessie: Zack, Zack. I was researching a news story, and I found out that the Bayside School District owns The Max.
Zack: You're kidding?
Jessie: No. And if Max doesn't come up with $10,000 in back rent by next week, our favorite hangout will be turned into a parking lot.

Mr. Belding: [about their broadcast denouncing the Bayside School Board] You guys are irresponsible!
Jessie: We have an obligation to report the truth.
Mr. Belding: Truth? You and Pinocchio Morris?

Jessie: [Lisa and Kelly appear with several copies of the school paper] The school paper just reviewed us!
Lisa: What did they say?
Kelly Kapowski: I dunno, I'm too nervous to look. What if he didn't like my outfit?
Lisa: Lisa, we're on the radio, remember? He can't see us.
Zack: [Each take a paper] Hey, look at this:
[Reading aloud]
Zack: "Tiger Radio really cooks when Wolfman Zack is on the prowl." Hey.
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Jessie Spano has a nose for news. And I smell a winner."
Jessie: [Reading aloud] "Kelly Desire's voice could heat your jacuzzi. The girl is H-O-T."
Kelly Kapowski: [Reading aloud] "Lisa's Galloping Gossip is off to a fast start. She's funny, charming, and a great dresser."
[Looks at Jessie]
Kelly Kapowski: See?
Zack: This guy really liked us.
Jessie: Uh, most of us.
[Reading aloud]
Jessie: "A.C. Slater stinks."
Lisa: [Reading aloud] "Someone should wave a skunk in front of him"?
Kelly Kapowski: Poor Slater.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Slater appears] Hey, guys! What's up?
[the others move toward the lockers and stand with their backs to them, hiding the papers]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What are you doing?
Kelly Kapowski, Zack: Uh...
Kelly Kapowski: We're scratching our backs!
Zack: Yeah, you know, there's an itch going through the school.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: What?
Screech: Hey, guys! The station just got reviewed!
[Zack groans]
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Oh, really? What'd he say about me?
Screech: You stink!

Jessie: Zack, Zack! I found what you're looking for.
Zack: Oh. A peephole in the girls' locker room?
Jessie: No.
Zack: Urgh.
Jessie: I found what Belding was hiding. Look what's in this old school newspaper from 1968.
Zack: [Reading headline aloud] "D.J. Belding Moons School Board? Picture on page three *and* four? Let's see this.
[Turns page]
Zack: Whoa, now that's a side of him I've never seen.


"Saved by the Bell: The Prom (#2.1)" (1990)
Jessie: [Jessie and Slater are looking for music for the prom] I can't believe you like these tapes.
Slater: Hey, what's wrong with Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson?
Jessie: Their music doesn't say anything.
Slater: Did you ever see them move? Ha, they're saying plenty, baby.

Lisa: Okay, now we have exactly 214 minutes to shop at the Palisades Mall before dinner.
[Pulls scroll down from inside her locker, revealing a map of the mall]
Lisa: Here's our route.
Jessie: You have a map of the mall?
Lisa: I have a map of every mall from here to Tijuana.
Kelly: Um, Lisa, I can't go to the mall with you.
Lisa: Why?
Kelly: I'm not going to the prom.
Jessie: Oh, no. Don't tell me Slater killed Zack?

Screech: [Screech sits beside Lisa in the theater] Guess who?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: [Lisa screams] Ssssshhhh!
Screech: [He has bought popcorn] I got the wide container so both our hands can fit in at once.
Lisa: Um, Screech, would you go get me some chocolate malt balls?
Screech: [Produces a pack of chocolate malt balls] I knew you'd want them!
Lisa: You know, popcorn really makes me thirsty. Do you think you could go and get me...
Screech: [Produces two drinks containers] Cola? Or Uncola?
Lisa: Uncola, please.
Screech: [Puts his arm around her shoulder to give her the drink, she tries to remove his arm] Hey, no arm, no soda.
Lisa: [Watching the film] When do the zombies fall in love?
Screech: Ssh, you'll see.
Lisa: Is that the zombie?
Screech: No, that's his mother-in-law, his mombie.
Lisa: Where's Matt Dillon?
Screech: [sighing] He's not in this movie. Just watch.
Lisa: Look, there's the zombie!
Screech: Sssh!
Lisa: What?
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience: Quiet!
Lisa: He's cute for a dead guy.
Screech: That's the female zombie. Can't you see she's wearing high heels? You're into fashion.
Lisa: Are you sure Matt Dillon's not in this movie?
Screech: Yes, Alan Thicke is the zombie. Everybody knows that.

Jessie: You know we haven't fought for 15 seconds?
Slater: It was 20, shut up.

Slater: Hey, um... do you, uh, have a date for the prom?
Jessie: Uh... no, not yet. How about you?
Slater: Well, not exactly. You know, I'm still narrowing it down? You think that, uh, I don't know, you, perhaps, would, uh...?
Jessie: Slater, are you asking *me* to go to the prom with *you*?
Slater: Maybe. You interested?
Jessie: Maybe.
Slater: Maybe... pick you up at 7?
Jessie: No. I'll pick *you* up at 7.

Screech: Gee, Lisa, I can't believe we're finally on a date together. Are you having a good time?
[Screech is sitting next to Slater, with the entire gang sitting between Screech and Lisa]
Slater: [Passing the message on to Jessie] Are you having a good time?
Jessie: [Passing the message on to Zack] Are you having a good time?
Zack: [Passing the message on to Kelly] Are you having a good time?
Kelly: [Passing the message on to Lisa] Are you having a good time?
Lisa: Yes!
Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Yes!


"Saved by the Bell: Driver's Education (#2.4)" (1990)
Mr. Tuttle: [Teaching Driver's Ed class] Now, Jessie, what's the speed limit on most freeways? You know this one, you know this one, you know this one.
Jessie: 55 miles per hour.
Mr. Tuttle: Excellent! I wish you were my child. Now, can you pass someone over a double yellow line? Kelly.
Kelly: No, you can't.
Mr. Tuttle: This is why I went into teaching! Okay, Lisa, listen up. Why do you put your left arm straight out the window?
Lisa: That's easy: to dry your nails.

Zack: Why's everybody so down?
Jessie Spano: None of us have enough money for a car.
Zack: Well, I'm gonna drive my father's Porsche when I turn 16.
Lisa: Ha! Slip into your PJs, baby, 'cause you're dreamin'.

Screech: Well, Slater, your Malibu Classic, my Valiant. We know what kind of wheels chicks dig.
Jessie: Excuse me, little man, but we are not "chicks".
Slater: She's right, Screech. Listen to the babe.
Jessie: I'm not a "babe".
Slater: And I respect that, Sugar Lips.

Slater: [Entering garage] I just couldn't believe it when I saw it on the lot. It's exactly the car I wanted.
[Turns lights on, revealing old, beaten up car]
Slater: Well? What do you think?
Lisa: Uh, it's, uh... nice. Really nice... really.
[Turns to Jessie]
Jessie: Yeah... it's, it's, uh... all Lisa said. Gosh, it's got a licence play holder too.
[Licence plate holder falls off]

Jessie: Slater, why don't you be a man and confess?
Slater: Jessie, why don't you be a woman and cook?


"Saved by the Bell: My Boyfriend's Back (#3.8)" (1991)
Kelly: Maybe he's giving us all raises.
Jessie: Kelly, are you taking stupid vitamins again? We're lucky he pays us in American money.

Slater: Wow, a KLF300 B3, oh, with a two belt, four stroke engine and an automatic clutch.
[Jessie hits him]
Slater: Hey, what's that for?
Jessie: I'm not sure. But it *sounds* sexist!

Jessie: [On the phone] I'm sorry, Mrs. Johnson, we do not give refunds for cloudy days.

Kelly: [the girls go to answer the door late at night and Jessie holds a baseball bat] Jessie, put the bat down.
Jessie: No, if that's a robber, this bat's gonna scare him away.
Lisa: You're not gonna need the bat, honey, just nag him to death like you do everyone else!


"Saved by the Bell: Zack's War (#2.2)" (1990)
Jessie: [to Lieutenant Adams] Why aren't women allowed on the front line?
Slater: Because we need cooks.

Lt. Chet Adams: The highlight of every Cadet Corps program is an athletic competition. This helps develop physical skills, teamwork, and it's the Army's way of separating the men from the boys.
Jessie: Excuse me?
Lt. Chet Adams: I mean, the persons from the persons.
Jessie: Thank you.
Lt. Chet Adams: Now, there'll be a red team and a blue team. Choice of colors alright with you, Miss Spano?
Jessie: [Smiling] Yes.
[Straight-faced]
Jessie: But it's "Ms".

Slater: [to Jessie] Alright, go for it, Mama.
Jessie: Okay, Papa!

Lt. Chet Adams: Since the rope broke, this is the tie-breaking event. The super obstacle course. Each team will choose one man -
[Looking at Jessie]
Lt. Chet Adams: I mean, one person, to compete.
Jessie: Very good, Lieutenant.
Lt. Chet Adams: I'm trying, Cadet Spano.


"Saved by the Bell: The Friendship Business (#1.11)" (1989)
Lisa: [Lisa hands Kelly and Jessie bracelets] Here guys, these are for you.
Kelly: Gee, thanks.
Jessie: These are nice.
Lisa: I made these friendship bracelets in Fashion Club.
Screech: Did you make one for me?
Lisa: For you, I'm making a friendship muzzle.
Screech: I'm speechless.
Lisa: That's the idea.

Student: [Zack puts a student off buying one of Jessie's Buddy Bands] I want my money back.
Kelly: Why? Is there something wrong?
Jessie: We'll be glad to refund your money if your Buddy Band's defective.
Student: *Belding's* wearing one! You can't *get* more defective than *that*!

Kelly: Poor Zack. He looks so alone.
Jessie: Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Screech: Yeah, let's get more fries!

Mr. Tuttle: You gave away your inventory? The goal of this project was to run a successful business.
Zack: We'd rather be friends.
Mr. Tuttle: I see.
Zack: So we're ready for whatever grade you wanna give us.
Jessie: But please don't make it too low. I hyperventilate.


"Saved by the Bell: The Babysitters (#2.14)" (1990)
Mr. Richard Belding: [Talking over loudspeaker] Attention, please. This is Mr. Belding.
Jessie Spano: [Billy starts to cry] We feel the same way, kid.

Mrs. Hatcher: [Jessie and Lisa are trying to direct Screech to Billy using hand signals] Uh, Miss Spano, Miss Turtle, what is it that you are doing?
Lisa Turtle: Uh, drying our nails?
Jessie Spano: Actually, we're on the Spirit Squad.
Max: Jessie, I already took that picture this morning. You were great.
Jessie Spano: We just can't help ourselves.
[to Lisa]
Jessie Spano: We've got so much spirit left over, don't we?
Lisa Turtle: Yeah, we're just full of it.
[Screech shrugs his shoulders, unable to find Billy]
Lisa Turtle: In fact, here's one of our latest cheers.
Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano: [to Screech] Move it to the left! Move it to the right! Further to the right! Not there! Yes, there! You got it! You got it!... Fight, fight, fight!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris: None of us are leaving this floor until we find my baby!
Lisa Turtle: Your baby? Zack, I think you're getting hysterical.
Jessie Spano: Zack, don't worry, we'll find him. Besides, it's not your fault.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [Joins them] So where's the bambino?
Jessie Spano: Zack lost him.

Kelly Kapowski: So where's Billy?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Uh... Bi-Billy? Billy! Uh... short, bald guy, drools a lot?
Kelly Kapowski: My baby brother. Come on, guys, where's Billy?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Ha! Where's Billy? Uh, Jessie, why don't you go get him?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Yeah.
Jessie Spano: Yeah, I'll go find him. I mean, I'll go get him. I mean, I'm going now. Yeah... that's it.
[Leaves]
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Good luck! I-I mean, see you later!


"Saved by the Bell: The Fabulous Belding Boys (#2.15)" (1990)
Jessie: [Planning the school trip] We should do something significant. Let's picket a nuclear power plant.
Zack: Why don't you save that for your honeymoon?

Zack: [the gang are studying for the History test] Come on, guys, all we have to do is study the material and Dickerson can't stop us from goin' on the trip.
Jessie: Zack's right.
Mr. Dickerson: [Zack sees Mr. Dickerson in his book] You'll never pass my test, Zackie.
[Cuts to Kelly, who sees Mr. Dickerson in one of Zack's posters]
Mr. Dickerson: Psst! Your looks won't get you through this one, cheerleader.
[Cuts to Jessie and Slater, who see Mr. Dickerson in Jessie's book, singing]
Mr. Dickerson: F, F, F, you're both getting an "F"!
[Jessie slams book shut]
Zack: I need a break.
Lisa: Yeah, let's watch Fresh Prince.
Mr. Dickerson: [Jessie turns on the television, revealing Mr. Dickerson in front of a chalkboard, rapping] You think you're smart, you think you're hip, put your books away, 'cause there's no class trip!

Rod Belding: You guys are really brave.
Jessie: What do you mean?
Rod Belding: You're letting my brother lead you into the woods. When he was 12, we camped out on the front lawn, and he got lost.

Jessie: White water rafting?
Zack: Yeah. I mean, it'll be a trip we'll never forget, Jessie.
Slater: Hey, I've done it, Mama. Let me tell you, it's the greatest thrill you've ever had. Well, except for dating me, of course.
Jessie: Oh, please. Should I throw up now or save it for the raft?


"Saved by the Bell: Screech's Birthday (#4.19)" (1992)
Jessie Spano: We're all trying out for the drama festival. I'm auditioning as Joan of Arc.
A.C. Slater: Hey, doesn't she die in that play?
Jessie Spano: Yes.
A.C. Slater: Go for it.

Zack Morris: Wait. I've got it. This is genius. Today, we'll give Screech a surprise party.
A.C. Slater: But his birthday was yesterday.
Lisa Turtle: That's the surprise.
Zack Morris: Now this will make Bayside history. It won't be just any surprise party. It'll be the most daring birthday party ever!
Kelly Kapowski: Sounds exciting.
Jessie Spano: Wait, I don't know about this. It sounds dangerous. I'm getting nervous!
A.C. Slater: Will someone shoot her with a tranquilizer dart?

Lisa Turtle: [Pretending to bicker] Oh, you guys don't stand a chance. I'm gonna win that drama festival.
Jessie Spano: Oh, no way! My Joan of Arc will light up the stage!
Kelly Kapowski: Only if they burn you at the stake!


"Saved by the Bell: Model Students (#2.10)" (1990)
[the girls find out that Zack has used their pictures in the "Girls of Bayside" calendar]
Jessie: You didn't have the right!
Kelly: You didn't get permission!
Lisa: You didn't get my good side!

[Lisa, Kelly, and Jessie look at the calendars]
Kelly: Lisa, you're October. I'm November?
Lisa: Well, who's December?
Kelly: [gasps] Mr. Belding is December?
[Mr. Belding's face is shown on a girl's body]
Zack: Ho, ho, ho!
Screech: Well, there's only 11 girls on the swim team, so we had to put Belding's head on one of the girls' bodies.
Jessie: That is MY body!
Slater: Ugh, I'm gonna dream about *Belding* tonight.

Jessie: Excuse me. but the true beauty of woman cannot be captured with a camera.
Adam Trask: Well, these photos'll be seen all over the world.
Jessie: [changing her mind] Although, I'm told they're doing incredible things with cameras these days!


"Saved by the Bell: The Last Weekend (#3.12)" (1991)
Billy: Would you go with me to my little league banquet?
Kelly Kapowski: Oh, that's so sweet!
Billy: You're looking at little slugger of the year.
Kelly Kapowski: Oh, Billy, you're really cute, and I'm very flattered, but I can't go out with you. You're just a little boy.
Billy: Little boy?
[He walks off]
Kelly Kapowski: Oh, Billy, wait, I didn't mean...
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: Don't worry, Kelly. He'll get over it.
[pause]
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: After *many* years of therapy.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Aloha, dudes! Meet Cynthia. She's the chick I rescued this afternoon.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: It's just too bad it took all summer for you guys to get together.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: No, it's okay. She just moved to town and she's going to Bayside. Come on, babe, let's get a burger.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: "Chick"? "Babe"? Are you gonna take that from him?
Cynthia: With dimples like those, he can say whatever he wants.

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: [Jessie finds Zack alone on the beach] You need a friend?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Wouldn't hurt.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: [the rest of the gang appear] How about five friends?


"Saved by the Bell: Running Zack (#2.13)" (1990)
Jessie: Lisa, you were great in the 100-yard dash.
Lisa: Oh, thanks, but I owe my victory to Screech.
Screech: You do?
Lisa: Oh yes, I pretended you were chasing me.

Slater: [Everyone is talking about their ancestors] My great-grandfather was brave too. He was a bullfighter.
Zack: That's cool.
Jessie: Nah, bullfighting is barbaric.
Slater: No it isn't, bullfighting's a sport.
Jessie: It would only be a sport if the bull has a sword, too.

Jessie: Zack, what about your ancestors?
Zack: My ancestors? Adam and Eve.
Screech: I didn't know Adam and Eve's last name was Morris.


"Saved by the Bell: The Mamas and the Papas (#1.12)" (1989)
Jessie: Look, Slater, since we both work, we should share the household chores.
Slater: Fine. You cook, I'll eat.

Jessie: You macho pig.
Slater: Oink, oink, baby.

Jessie: Haven't you ever heard of the Women's Movement?
Slater: Well, sure. Put on something cute and move it into the kitchen.


"Saved by the Bell: From Nurse to Worse (#2.16)" (1990)
Lisa: Some people get a little strange when it's time to see Nurse Butcher.
Jessie: Not me, I'm in perfect health. I eat properly, exercise daily, get the right amount of rest.
Slater: You sound like a commercial for oat bran.

Jessie: I need an honest answer. How do I look in these frames?
[Puts on glasses]
Lisa: Ridiculous! You're lucky you don't have to wear 'em.
Kelly: Well I don't think they're that bad.
Jessie: Thanks, Kelly.
Screech: Hey, nice glasses, Jessie!
Jessie: Oh, do you really like them?
Screech: Yeah, all my grandmother's friends wear the same kind!

Jessie: Look, Kelly is really upset. You asked her to go steady and now you're backing off. What's up?
Zack: Look, Jessie, I can't tell you.
Jessie: Zack, we've been friends since the first grade. You can trust me.
Zack: Well, alright. Do you promise not to tell any of the guys?
Jessie: I promise. Tell me.
Zack: I'm in love with the new school nurse.
Jessie: You pig. How is Kelly gonna feel when you dump her for some flu shot floozy?


"Saved by the Bell: The Substitute (#1.7)" (1989)
Tony Crane: Now what do you think that means? Jessie?
Jessie: Whatever you say, Tony. I mean, Mr. Crane.

Tony Crane: I said we'll continue this tomorrow.
Kelly, Lisa, Jessie: We'll wait.

Tony Crane: Well, I just wanted Vicki to meet some of my students. Ms. Simpson will be back on Monday, so this was my last day. "O, that a joy past joy calls out on me, that it were a grief, so brief, to part with thee."
Kelly, Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano: Goodbye, Mr. Crane!


"Saved by the Bell: Wicked Stepbrother: Part 1 (#3.13)" (1991)
Jessie: I have had it with Eric. He took my TV, my hairdryer and my room. I am in crisis.

Kelly: Jessie let's go to the lost and found.
Jessie: Why?
Kelly: Because you've lost it.


"Saved by the Bell: Rent-a-Pop (#2.7)" (1990)
Mr. Belding: Alright, let's make this quick. I have a school to run.
Zack: Well, Mr. Belding, I think you're of one the best, no, *the* best Principal in the history of principalisms. Does everybody agree?
Jessie, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, Screech: Oh, yeah!
Mr. Belding: Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Slater: [Slater is fixing one of the carnival games, sitting above a tank of water and Jessie picks up the balls used to throw at the target ] Very tempting.
Jessie: Ha, don't even think about it. Of course, you're a girl, so it's not like you could hit it anyway.
[She throws and misses]
Slater: You know what I like about you, Jessie? You throw just like a girl. Hey, why don't you just hire a man to do it?
Jessie: [She throws again, hits the target and Slater falls in the water; he resurfaces and Jessie smiles] I hope pigs can swim.


"Saved by the Bell: Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind (#2.12)" (1990)
Jessie: [after Screech's fake "unveiling"] He really is an alien!
Lisa: This explains *so* much!

Zack: [Directing Jessie for the student film] Alright. Now, Jessie, you're the History teacher. Now, the alien creature will come through that door and suck out your brain.
Jessie: Zack, why can't he suck out your brain?
Slater: Because someone already did.


"Saved by the Bell: Cream for a Day (#1.8)" (1989)
Kelly: Hey, guys. The truth: how do I look?
Lisa: Full of cheer!
Kelly: I'm serious. I wanna be Queen.
Lisa: Well, we'll let you know if anything happens to Princess Di.
Kelly: I'm talking about Homecoming Queen.
Jessie: Come on, you're a shoo-in. Guys bribe teachers just to sit beside you in class.
Kelly: What if they find out I wear a retainer at night?
Lisa: [Loudly] How is *anyone* gonna find out you wear a retainer?
Nerd: Wanna join our retainer club?

Kelly: It may look like a freckle now, but by the end of the day, I'll look like Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Jessie: Fine. Then you lead the way.


"Saved by the Bell: Slater's Friend (#4.23)" (1992)
Kelly Kapowski: Jessie, I thought you were gonna picket the oil company.
Jessie Spano: Urgh, we never got there. We ran out of gas. Mom *refused* to fill up out of principle.

Kelly Kapowski: [Looking at Artie] Aww, he looks so peaceful when he sleeps.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, please. You're going gaga over something that burps bugs.
Jessie Spano: I think he looks a little pale.
Kelly Kapowski: Maybe he's sick.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Why would he be sick? Hey, Screech, come here. Take a peek at Artie. Does he look any different to you?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: No.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: See?
Samuel 'Screech' Powers: Except for the fact that he's dead.


"Saved by the Bell: The Election (#1.13)" (1989)
Jessie: Your understanding of politics is limited to who won the election on 'Sesame Street'.

Jessie: [In response to Zack's propaganda video] Stop him. He's making a Mocracy of Demockery!


"Saved by the Bell: 1-900-CRUSHED (#2.11)" (1990)
Slater: Hey, mama, wanna have a burger with a real man?
Jessie: Sure, I'll go find one.

[Jessie & Slater are at war with each other]
Mr. Belding: I wanna know what's going on right now.
Jessie: [pointing to Slater] Ask brillo-head, he started it.
Mr. Belding: Well, Brillo-He - -I mean, Slater...


"Saved by the Bell: Beauty and the Screech (#1.10)" (1989)
Kelly Kapowski: [Looking at Kelly, who is daydreaming] Well, she's got all the symptoms: glassy eyes, goofy look.
Lisa Turtle: Mismatched wardrobe. It can only mean one thing.
Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano: [Turning to look at each other] Crush!
Jessie Spano: Come on, Kelly. Who are you thinking about?
Lisa Turtle: Is he cute?
Kelly Kapowski: Well, kind of. He's real intelligent, got a great sense of humor, and he's really fun to be with.
Lisa Turtle: Oh, if I found someone like that, I'd never let him go.
Jessie Spano: So give already. Who is it?
Kelly Kapowski: Screech.
[Lisa spits out her drink in horror]
Jessie Spano: Kelly, you're kidding, right?
Kelly Kapowski: No, I had so much fun studying with Screech in his room last night.
Lisa Turtle: You were in his room? Urgh, didn't the bats bother you?
Kelly Kapowski: That is just a rumor. None of his creatures can fly. You know, Lisa, you really oughta give Screech a chance.
Lisa Turtle: I'd rather give Chickenpox a chance.
Kelly Kapowski: Hey, I'm telling you, Screech can be really charming.
Jessie Spano: He *definitely* did something to her brain.
Kelly Kapowski: He did. I'm seeing Screech in a completely different way.
Lisa Turtle: The best way is blindfolded.


"Saved by the Bell: Pinned to the Mat (#1.9)" (1989)
Marvin Nedick: [to Slater] To me, you look like a chicken.
[Imitates chicken]
Jessie: Let me tell you something, Bubba. It takes a stronger man not to fight, so why don't you go back into the mist with the other gorillas?


"Saved by the Bell: The Senior Prom (#4.17)" (1992)
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Hey, feel that heat.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: Yeah, it's like a furnace.
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: It is a furnace.


"Saved by the Bell: Boss Lady (#3.10)" (1991)
Stacey Carosi: Look, I promise to take this up with my father as soon as he gets back.
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: Oh, you promise. Why should any oppressed people have faith in the promise of a heartless ruling class?
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Oh, Jessie, come off it!
Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano: Oh, Zack, you wouldn't understand. You live in a world of privilege.
Zachary 'Zack' Morris: Yeah, and you live next door to me!


"Saved by the Bell: Screech's Woman (#1.5)" (1989)
Kelly: [to Jessie and Zack, who is dressed as "Bambi"] I'm going to the girls' room. You wanna come?
Zack: Oh, why not? Sounds like fun!
Jessie: Freeze!


"Saved by the Bell: No Hope with Dope (#3.21)" (1991)
Kelly: [the "Don't Do Drugs" commercial] Dumb.
Slater: Stupid.
Lisa: Crazy.
Jessie: Dangerous.
Screech: Stinks.
Zack: In one word, would I use dope? Nope.
Brandon Tartikoff: These kids are right. Drugs will your hurt your mind, your body and your life. Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff, chairman of NBC Entertainment, and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: don't do drugs.
Kelly, Slater, Lisa, Jessie, Screech, Zack: There's no hope with dope!


"Saved by the Bell: The Gift (#1.3)" (1989)
Lisa: I cannot run track today. You know, I have so much food inside of me, you could put a quarter in my mouth and a bag of Doritos would come poppin' out?
Kelly: Lisa, you have got to stop doing this to yourself.
Lisa: That's easy for you to say, nothing bothers you.
Kelly: Oh yeah? Lots of things bother me. I just don't let them drive me bananas.
Lisa: You have one?
Kelly: Lisa, come on. If you keep obsessing about your grades, you know what you're gonna end up like?
Jessie: [Jessie rushes in] You know, you guys, I just remembered there was one time that I did not get an "A"? I was in the fourth grade. Mr. Simmons had a nervous breakdown and gave the entire class "L"s and "Q"s.


"Saved by the Bell: Date Auction (#3.15)" (1991)
Jessie: [Jessie, Kelly and Lisa are in the girls' locker room with some other girls] Now, about this date auction, if any one of you sweeties dare bid on my Slater, I'll hunt you down in the streets like a rabid dog.
[Slams locker door shut]
Jessie: Thank you. Have a nice day.
[Other girls leave]
Kelly: [Chuckles] Come on, Jessie, lighten up. This date auction's for a good cause.
Lisa: Besides, the guys wanna do it. So it's not sexist, it's sexy.
Jessie: You both make interesting points. Really. Fascinating. But if either of you bid on Slater, you're dead. You got me?
[Slams locker door shut and leaves]
Lisa: Who put sandpaper on her toilet seat?


"Saved by the Bell: The Last Dance (#3.1)" (1991)
Jessie: [Discussing the ball] Alright, I'd like to discuss the coronation ceremony of the King and Queen.
Zack: Hey, that's a good idea. Where should Kelly and I stand?
Slater: Behind Jessie and me, with all the other losers.


"Saved by the Bell: Zack's Birthday (#3.2)" (1991)
Jessie Spano: Look, if you don't want to hire Kelly as a lifeguard just because she's a woman, that's discrimination.
Leon Carosi: Well, you like to throw your two cents in, don't you?
Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater: Boy, you have no idea!


"Saved by the Bell: The Glee Club (#2.18)" (1990)
Zack Morris: [after Violet quits the Glee Club] Well, Jessie, it's up to you. You gotta take over. You're the only one with a voice as good as Violet's.
Jessie: [raspy voice] You wanna bet? I caught Lisa's cold!
[everyone glares at Lisa]
Lisa: Sorry!


"Saved by the Bell: Mystery Weekend (#3.26)" (1991)
Screech: Lisa, don't drink that!
[Lisa spits out her water]
Screech: It might be poison!
Lisa: You're right, *You* drink it!
[hands glass to Screech]
Screech: [sips] Hm. Tastes fine to me; I'll live!
Lisa, Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly: Darn!


"Saved by the Bell: Dancing to the Max (#1.1)" (1989)
Kelly: What happened to you?
Lisa: I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.
Jessie: Why?
Lisa: I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.


"Saved by the Bell: King of the Hill (#1.15)" (1989)
Lisa: [about The Max] It sure beats eating in the school cafeteria.
Jessie: Yeah. It's nice to see a hamburger you don't have to comb.


"Saved by the Bell: Fatal Distraction (#1.4)" (1989)
Jessie: Can you believe that Tony Kramer tried to make out with me in the middle of Working Girl?
Lisa: What's wrong with that?
Jessie: I didn't go with him. I went with Billy Bostwick. Tony was sitting right behind us, and what a jerk. He left his retainer in my hair!


"Saved by the Bell: Pipe Dreams (#3.11)" (1991)
Zack: He's absolutely right, we're not just taking something away, we're putting something back. Jessie.
Jessie: Because of your oil spills yesterday, we put 20 dead animals back in the ground.
Mr. Phelps: Well we are sorry about that but it *was* an accident.
Lisa: Yeah but can you guarantee it won't happen again?


"Saved by the Bell: Blind Dates (#2.6)" (1990)
Zack: Jessie, don't be ridiculous, there are a lot of guys who are taller than you.
Jessie: Oh really? Name one
Zack: Karim Abdul-Jabbar?


"Saved by the Bell: Miss Bayside (#2.8)" (1990)
Jessie: [Mr. Belding has just announced that the school will hold a beauty pageant] A beauty pageant? What a stupid, sexist waste of time!
Slater: Not if you're in a teeny bikini, Mama!