Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt
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Quotes for
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt (Character)
from "Queer as Folk" (2000)

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"Queer as Folk: Premiere (#1.1)" (2000)
Emmett Honeycutt: When did seventy's night become eighty's night?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I remember this song from high school. Talk about feeling ancient.
Emmett Honeycutt: Speak for yourself, honey. I was a mere child.

Emmett Honeycutt: [referring to the hot guy who walks by at Babylon] My God..., have you ever seen anything more beautiful.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Venice. At sunset.
Emmett Honeycutt: Fine. You go down the Grand Canal. I'll go down on him.
[jokingly follows after guy]
Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you gotta admit, these days it takes real guts to be a queen in a world full of commoners.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: The problem with perfection... is its inability to recognize anything less perfect than itself.
Emmett Honeycutt: In other words, you hit on him and he turned you down.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Yeah.
Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Ted's this really smart guy, and he's got a really big heart. Only nobody here's interested in the size of that organ.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Why am I wasting my time staring at a bunch of over-pumped princesses with I.Q.'s smaller than their waists...?
[Ted froze as a hot guy walked past him]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Jesus, look at him!
Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Like I said, it's all about sex. 'Except when you're having it. And then it's all about, "Will he stay?", "Will he go?", "How am I doing?", "What am I doing?". Unless, of course, you're Brian Kinney. And then it's "Who gives a fuck what you think? You're lucky to have me".

Michael Novotny: That was quick.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Hell, when you've had as much practice as he's had.
Brian: I got bored.
Emmett Honeycutt: I know. Getting your dick sucked can be so tedious.

Emmett Honeycutt: Don't look now but somebody's wat-ching.
Michael Novotny: Oh, him. He's been cruising me all night.
Emmett Honeycutt: Hmm... playing hard to get. I love that in a man.
Michael Novotny: Not playing, just not interested.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Check out that bubble butt. And that basket? Enough in there for the Big Bad Wolf.
Michael Novotny: Would you quit staring! There's more to a guy than his cock size... Or his perfectly shaped ass.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Which is why you read all those comic books, with those superheroes in their little tights - for the plot.

Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] And that's when it happened. When he came along.
Brian: How's it going? Had a busy night?
Justin: Just eh... Checking out the bars, you know. Boy Toy, Meat Hook.
Brian: The Meat Hook? Really? So you're into leather?
Justin: [hesitating] ...Sure.
Brian: Where're you headed?
Justin: No place special.
Brian: I can change that.
[both of them got into the jeep.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Hey! Hey, what about us?
Brian: You can ride with Ted.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Thanks a lot!
Michael Novotny: Asshole!

[first lines]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Brian Kinney, a father.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] It's true. I was there. I saw it happen with my own eyes.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Would you give the guy a break?
Emmett Honeycutt: [on the phone] Couldn't be any worse than my Daddy was.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Or mine. Not that I remember him.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] So what's next? PTA Parent, Little League coach, Scout master?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] They don't allow queers into the scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.
Emmett Honeycutt: [on the phone] I only go out with men who already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and... Lindsay's nose.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] You should see the pictures I took. He is so adorable. In one of them, he's actually playing with himself.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Who, Brian?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] No, the baby. Imagine, he's only been in the world an hour and already he's pulling his pud.

Michael Novotny: It was a trap!
Emmett Honeycutt: Hey! See that number in the red shorts?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I can work out for a hundred years and never look like that.
Michael Novotny: Pretending she didn't like her just to see what I'd say.
Emmett Honeycutt: Shawn Peters, went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And?
Michael Novotny: ...And I fell for it!
Emmett Honeycutt: Turns out, he's a big, nelly bottom!
[laughing]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I could've told you that!
Emmett Honeycutt: Ugh! It's so discouraging. Are there no real man left?
Michael Novotny: Now they're expecting me to meet them?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Steroid city?
Michael Novotny: No! In a straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?
Emmett Honeycutt: [speaking really fast] There's this new girl at work who's interested in you, Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her, and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go, or they might suspect.
[changing topic]
Emmett Honeycutt: Check out Mr. Peck-Deck.
[back to Michael]
Emmett Honeycutt: So what if they do?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: They could fire him?
Michael Novotny: Or I can end up an assistant manager for the rest of my life.

Emmett Honeycutt: And... the solution is to pretend you like pussy?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [sigh] Look, he's not like you, okay?
Emmett Honeycutt: What is that supposed to mean?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.
Emmett Honeycutt: Are you accusing me of being obvious?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: If the 'fuck-me' pump fits...
Emmett Honeycutt: Ah...
[putting down his barbells]
Emmett Honeycutt: Well... I could be a... a real man if I wanted to. You know...
[Michael stops doing his routine, raises his eyebrows, looking at Emmett]
Emmett Honeycutt: ...just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never, never use words like, like "fabulous" or "divine". Talk about... I don't know,
[deepening his voice]
Emmett Honeycutt: nailing bitches and R.B.I.'s. But I'd rather my flame burn bright! Than be some puny little pilot light.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And a fabulous flame it is.
Emmett Honeycutt: Thank you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Yeah, but Michael is out there in the straight world. Believe me, it isn't easy.
[reassuring Michael]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You do what you have to do.
Michael Novotny: I better go change.
Emmett Honeycutt: For your big date? Here's a Sports mag. Better bone up. Just in case the conversation veers away from Liza's weight problem.

Emmett Honeycutt: You know, for a skinny white boy, I make one fucking fabulous black woman.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: How bout another round on me?
Brian Kinney: I got a better idea. Lets move on.
Michael Novotny: What's wrong with here?
Brian Kinney: I've had everyone here.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: My problem precisely.
Michael Novotny: You haven't had me.
Brian Kinney: [smiles] Oh, yeah?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What? You never told us.
Michael Novotny: There is nothing to tell.
Brian Kinney: We were up in his room. We were fourteen, fifteen tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever. Only, we're not. We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. Anyway, there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing"... without his shirt on. So, I've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey and guess what? He's got one, too.
Michael Novotny: Okay, you can stop now.
Brian Kinney: [laughs] Twin stiffies. I reach over, start rubbing it. He's practically swooning.
[drops voice]
Brian Kinney: I pop it out, start stroking it, nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... his mom walks in without knocking.
Justin: They always do. Did she see you?
Brian Kinney: I don't see how she could have missed it.
Michael Novotny: Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count.

Justin: "Dirty Dancing". That's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney: What?
Justin: I said that's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney: It's not that old.
Justin: How old are you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Ugh-oh.
Brian Kinney: How old do you think I am?
Justin: Thirty-three?
[Everyone laughs.]
Brian Kinney: Fuck you.
Michael Novotny: He's twenty-nine.
Brian Kinney: And fuck you too! What did you tell him for?
Michael Novotny: Fair's fair.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And we all know what that means. In a few months, he'll be thirty. Might as well be dead?
Brian Kinney: Well, you ought to know. You already are.


"Queer as Folk: Queer, There and Everywhere (#1.2)" (2000)
Emmett Honeycutt: Isn't he gorgeous? His name is Katsuo.
Katsuo: [holding a glass of juice in his hand] Jews?
Emmett Honeycutt: No, no, no.
[pointing at the Jewish people at the brisk]
Emmett Honeycutt: Jews.
[pointing at the glass]
Emmett Honeycutt: Juice. Okay?
[Emmett turns to Michael.]
Emmett Honeycutt: He gives "Pacific Rim", a whole new meaning.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Where did you find him?
Emmett Honeycutt: He found me. I was having drinks in the losers lounge. He comes over, starts chattering away. Only he doesn't speak any English and the only Japanese I know is "Sony" and "Toyota".
Michael: So how do you communicate with him?
Emmett Honeycutt: There's other ways than talking.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full.

Katsuo: [Katsuo talks away in Japanese.] Kane. Kane.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Yeah, okay, alright. Let's go ask Melanie. She's fluent in sushi. Come, come, come, come.
[guiding him to Melanie]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [talking to someone on camera] Ha-ha... Okay, have a bagel.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Mel. Hi, Mel. Okay, and cut. Great! Look, we need you to translate.
[to Katsuo]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Talk to Melanie. Melanie speak all Axis Powers.
[Katsuo begins to tell his story while Melanie listens.]
Michael: He keeps saying "Kane".
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah...
[pulling Michael away from Katsuo]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: "Kane" is money! He's saying he expects Emmett to pay him.
Michael: For what?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: He's a God damned male prostitute!
Michael: Oh, shit!
Katsuo: [Emmett walks over to Katsuo before Michael could stop him.] Kane!
Emmett Honeycutt: Come, come, sweetie.
Michael: Melanie says, "Kane" means...
[long pause]
Michael: ..."love". He says he loves your voice. It's like a silent wind chime, and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze.
Emmett Honeycutt: That... That is... That is the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: This is Rabbi Protesh. He'll be doing the brisk.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, I love pot roast.
[Rabbi Protesh laughs.]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: That's "brisket"! I believe in the Jewish faith the "brisk" is a circumcision ceremony.

Michael: Where's Brian?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Looking after the only dick that matters. - His own.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I've always said there're only two reasons to be friends with lesbians: They'll never try to convince you that the only reason you're gay is that you haven't met the right woman, and ah... they know how to change a flat.

Michael: ...I know that guy. He works out in our gym. Ah... Blake! I think he likes you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, yeah, how can you tell?
Michael: Because he's looking back.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Probably just stretching his neck.
Michael: Will you listen to you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What?
Michael: Always putting yourself down!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Well, better me than them. I'm gentler.
Michael: Doesn't sound like it. You know, it is possible that someone can actually like you, you know.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Yeah, it's possible. However, I'm sure a statistical analysis would reveal that the probability of a guy named "Blake" who looks like that, actually liking a guy named "Ted", who looks like me to be in the... point zero five percentile. In other words, practically zip. Anyway, I'm sure Brian's more his type.
Michael: How do you know that?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Because Brian's everybody's type. Which explains why he's had everybody.
Michael: Wha...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I know, I know. Except for you. Which is kind of weird when you think about it.
Michael: Weird? He's my best friend!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: So?
Michael: So, everybody knows you don't have sex with your friends!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, right! Sex is something you only have with complete strangers, yeah. People you will never see again - unless you just bump into him on the street. But never with someone you might actually give a shit about.
[pause]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Who made us these crazy rules, anyway, huh?
Michael: Beats me. Let's go have a drink.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Or two or three.

Michael: [Justin and Daphne walk into Woody's.] Double shit!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What now?
Michael: It's him, our teen stalker! Christ, why won't be just go away?
Justin Taylor: [to Debbie] Remember me?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Turn around. I never forget a butt, especially a cute one.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [talking to a trick] Hey, how're you doing? ... Good, glad to hear it.
[talking to another trick]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Hey, how's it going? ... Ah, yeah, no complains, thanks. Hey, hey, can I buy you a drink?
Michael: Yeah, I'll take a beer.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [shocked, turning back to the source of voice] Oh, it's you.
Michael: Oh, fuck you!
[smiling like a crazy person]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What are you on?
Michael: Nothing. A little Brian's mix. Any luck?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, I'm headed for an all-time season record: Eight straight, actually make that not so straight no hitters.
Michael: Blake just winked at you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: He's got some crystal-meth in his eye.
Michael: He did it again! I told you, he likes you. Why don't you just go and ask him to dance?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: 'Cause he'll just say, "Come back when you get a hair transplant or some liposuction".
Michael: You do not need a hair transplant or liposuction. Besides, nobody would be that cruel to you, except maybe yourself.


"Queer as Folk: Now Approaching... The Line (#1.5)" (2001)
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [Ted and Emmett are at Torso, where Emmett is checking out new clothes.] I'm out.
Emmett Honeycutt: At work? That's fabulous.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'm out of the scene, I mean. I've made up my mind. No more bars, no more baths, no more clubs... You'll never see my face at Babylon again.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, please. You can't let one little drug-induced coma get you down.
[putting on a tee]
Emmett Honeycutt: What do you think?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You look unbelievably trashy.
Emmett Honeycutt: Tuck me into it. I'll buy it.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You missed my point entirely. Everything we do, even the clothes we wear, is a conscious or, worse yet, unconscious attempt to get laid.
Emmett Honeycutt: Yes, it's true. There's an overemphasis on sex. But why not buy two sizes too small and come with it?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Because, tragically, some of us were not born to wear Lycra.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [reading from the ad in the paper] "Date Bait. Meet other single gay man in a civilized evening of conversation. No pick-ups, no face-to-face rejection". They have an over thirty night.
Emmett Honeycutt: Where? The morgue?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And just for that, you're going with me.
Emmett Honeycutt: I am not over thirty!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And I am not going alone.

Emmett Honeycutt: Faggots, faggots everywhere, and not a drop to drink. I can honestly say I have no desire to have sex with any of these people.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Me neither. That's a start.

Roger: [both Roger and Ted are staring at the waiter's ass as he walks away.] He has a nice smile.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Among other attributes.
Roger: I'm sure he's a fine person.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Rhodes Scholar would be my guess.
Roger: [laughs] You know, ordinarily, I'd be racking my brain to come up with some pathetic line for when he comes back, like "I haven't seen you here before, are you new?".
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Or, ah... "Do I know you from somewhere? No? Must be in a dream".
Roger: "So, when did they start hiring models here?".
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You're worse than I am! You want me to go to the men's room, so you can take a crack at him?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [Ted is admiring Roger, who's playing the piano.] He plays beautifully, doesn't he?
Emmett Honeycutt: I'm all a tingle. So have you two had sex yet?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: No!
[whispering]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Would you keep your voice down?
Emmett Honeycutt: Well, when are you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: When we both know it's the right thing to do.
Emmett Honeycutt: Sex is never the right thing to do! Feeding the poor is the right thing to do; hiring the handicapped is the right thing to do; donating blood... is the right...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Alright, alright, you made your point.

Roger: [Ted and Roger are looking at the picture of a naked man on the wall.] Tremendous energy.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [referring to the penis in the picture] Really comes right out at you.
[breathing heavily]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Roger..., I think I'm ready.
Roger: I've promised to play the piano.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You're just volunteering.
Roger: You're right, fuck them.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I was rejected by everybody.
[Emmett looks unsure]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: It's good to be back!
Emmett Honeycutt: [to Ted] Let's get you a cock-tail!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Okay.


"Queer as Folk: Queens of the Road (#1.10)" (2001)
Ted: ...Listen, I know there's a part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved...
Michael: What are you talking about?
Ted: Le-let me finish... so we fall in love with someone we know we can't have and who's never gonna love us. And we fantasize about the day when all of the sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing, and all our dreams come true. Only, you know, that day never comes and before you know it, it's your 40th birthday, it's your 50th birthday and... and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you Michael. Love someone for real. Someone who loves you.

[first lines]
Brian Kinney: Hey, see that guy?
[points to an old man]
Brian Kinney: He just turned thirty. That's what you're gonna look like in a couple of days, Mikey.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, don't listen to him. You look like you're ten.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, but this strange thing happens on your thirtieth. You look great the night before, but then you wake up the next morning and your ass is down to there, and your dick disappears.
Ted: Well, I'm thirty three, what does that make me!
Brian Kinney: Did you guys just hear something, like a voice from the dead?

Ted: [after getting the results from his A.I.D.S. test] I'm negative... I'm negative.
Melanie Marcus: That's okay. Happy people can be really annoying.

[last lines]
Ted: He's cute. If you don't want him, I'll take him.
Emmett Honeycutt: You can have him. I made a promise to God.
Ted: A promise to God? What promise to God?
Emmett Honeycutt: I prayed, and I told God that if I were negative, I would never have sex with another man. And I'm negative. So I can never touch a man again.

Michael: [Talking about Justin] What is he doin' here?
Debbie Novotny: Isn't he adorable? The customers love him. His ass gets more compliments than the burgers.
Ted: At least his buns are fresh.

Melanie Marcus: I feel like she's shutting me out. I just die how long I can take it.
Ted: Look, I don't wanna hear this.
Melanie Marcus: Why can't I share?
Ted: Because the minute you start telling your friends your relationship problems, it's the beginning of the end. Find a shrink!
Melanie Marcus: I've been in therapy for six years.
Ted: Are you covered by insurance?
Melanie Marcus: Yep.
Ted: Great! Then have a breakdown. You can afford it.


"Queer as Folk: Babylon Boomerang (#1.8)" (2001)
Ted Schmidt: [talking about Cyber Sex] Jesus, I think I did it with you, just last week.
Emmett Honeycutt: Eww! How was I?"

Ted Schmidt: Did you ever consider just telling him the truth?
Emmett Honeycutt: What? That I'm a big, nelly bottom who wishes he were a beefy, brutal top... and never will be.

Ted Schmidt: Then we'd better get busy. Right, Professor Higgins?
Emmett Honeycutt: Right, Pickering! We'll turn you from a simple flower girl into a lady!

Brian Kinney: Not even six months old, and my kid's already a drama queen.
Ted Schmidt: Well, at least you know he's yours.

Michael: David's throwing a diner party, us and two other couples, one of them are straight.
Brian Kinney: He eats with straight people?
Ted Schmidt: Ick. You never know where their hands have been.


"Queer as Folk: The Art of Desperation (#1.6)" (2001)
Emmett Honeycutt: I say if it walks like a boyfriend...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...and talks like a boyfriend...
Emmett Honeycutt, Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Then it must be a boyfriend!
Brian Kinney: Would you two please shut the fuck up? I think it's great that Mikey's got a steady.
Michael Novotny: He's not a steady! We went out twice!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Around here, that's a long-term relationship.
Emmett Honeycutt: The next thing you know, you'll be exchanging rings...
Brian Kinney: Hmmm... And then there'll be one of those commitment ceremonies; where like, all two hundred of the guests have slept with one, if not the both of the happy couple.
Emmett Honeycutt: Just, ehm, promise me you won't wear matching white suits.
Michael Novotny: There is no way that is ever going to happen.
Emmett Honeycutt: Well, then I suggest you, watch out for the warning signs.
Michael Novotny: What warning signs?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Like when he brings you flowers...
Emmett Honeycutt: ...or, or invites you away for a romantic weekend to the country.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Not that you'll see much beside the bedroom ceiling.
[Emmett laughs]
Brian Kinney: Your shot, Mikey.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, or the most tell-tell sign of all: When he meets your mother, and ah... she invites him over for dinner.
[Michael hits the cue ball right off the pool table.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Something the matter?
Michael Novotny: I lost my grip.

Brian Kinney: [to Michael] Don't forget about this Friday.
Justin: What's this Friday?
Brian Kinney: You're too young to know.
Justin: Tell me!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: It's just some heathen ritual called "Studs and Suds".
Justin: "Studs and Suds"? What's that?
[Brian looks over to Michael, and Michael shakes his head.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Well,
[clears throat]
Emmett Honeycutt: first, they flood the dance floor of Babylon with soap suds...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...then everyone strips down to their undies...
Emmett Honeycutt: ...Or less. And dances. Cheek to cheek...
[bumps Ted with his butt]
Justin: Sounds awesome!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: It's disgusting!
Emmett Honeycutt: See you there?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Can't wait!

Michael Novotny: [talking on the phone] It's my neck again. I can barely move it.
Emmett Honeycutt: [referring to Michael's clothes] Do you want the periwinkle, or the apricot?
Michael Novotny: [whispering to Emmett] Shhh!
Emmett Honeycutt: [also whispering] I think the apricot goes better with your eyes.
Michael Novotny: [gets back to the phone, pretending to be in agony] Ah... yeah, I... I think it'll be better in a couple of days. Oh, don't worry. I definitely plan on seeing my chiropractor. Thanks. Thanks. Bye.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You know what grows when you lie.
Emmett Honeycutt: Too bad it's your nose.
Michael Novotny: I'm entitled to a couple of personal days.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Michael, you're entitled to a personal life!
Emmett Honeycutt: Alright, have you got everything?
Michael Novotny: Ah... Five pairs of jeans, seven shirts, four sweaters, and ten tees.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: How long are you going for?
Michael Novotny: The weekend.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Alright.
[walks over to Michael, taking things out from the bag]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: One change of undies, a pack of condoms, a tube of lube. There. You're all set.

Michael Novotny: Remember when my Mom took me to Atlantic City, I got sick on all that saltwater taffy?
Emmett Honeycutt: Listen to him. He's got cold feet already.
Michael Novotny: I'm not getting cold feet! I just... don't know what to do for a whole weekend.
Emmett Honeycutt: Well, let's see. First you arrive...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Then you fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt: Then you unpack...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Then you fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt: Then you go berry picking.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Then you fuck.
Michael Novotny: I mean after you fuck
Emmett Honeycutt: You talk. You get to know each other.
Michael Novotny: What if I run out of things to say? What if I... say some stupid remark and he says, "Why am I up here with this jerk?". And what if...
Emmett Honeycutt: Hey! Hey! Would you please stop worrying?
Michael Novotny: I just want him to like me.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: He already does.
[pausing]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: He more than likes you.
Emmett Honeycutt: So you go, and you have a fabulous time. And... Bring us back some berries.
[Emmett puts his hand on Ted's shoulder. Michael smiles, and then Emmett starts groping Ted.]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: That's... not my berries.


"Queer as Folk: Very Stupid People (#1.13)" (2001)
Ted: I think God appreciates it even more. Because he created you in his image. At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then you must be exactly the way he wants you to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all his, Emmett. He loves us all.

Ted: God is love, and since God doesn't make mistakes, you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be.

Ted: You know, I never realized, till seeing it with you, that A Night at the Opera is such an epic tragedy...
Melanie Marcus: I'm sorry, it's just that last Halloween Lindsay went as Groucho and went as Harpo.
Ted: Well, that explains it.
Melanie Marcus: Oh, God, nothing personal, but I just wish she was here.
Ted: I understand. Most of my dates wish they were withsomeone else.
Melanie Marcus: Oh, don't say that. You are real catch.
Ted: I know. Just my luck that lesbians find me irresistible.

Emmett Honeycutt: Their not really a couple, heather.
Ted: I'm a homo.
Melanie Marcus: And I'm a lesbo.
Heather: Oh. I thought, from the hug, that maybe you were normal.
Melanie Marcus: [to Heather] We are.
[to Emmet]
Melanie Marcus: What the hell has gotten into you?
Ted: He's seen the light
Melanie Marcus: Where are they shining it, up your ass?
Heather: See the Light is helping us built a happy, heterosexual life
Melanie Marcus: Yeah, well, while you're at it, why don't you ask the Wizard for a brain?
Emmett Honeycutt: I'm so glad that we amuse you.
Melanie Marcus: Who's amused? I'm outraged.
Emmett Honeycutt: Just ignore her, Heather, they don't understand.
Melanie Marcus: I understand you assholes are setting back the gay rights movement about fifty years.


"Queer as Folk: No Bris, No Shirt, No Service (#1.3)" (2000)
Mrs. Schmidt: Are you sure I can't help?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I can do it. It's no big deal.
Mrs. Schmidt: I wish you'd let me drive you home.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Ah... I already asked my friends.
Mrs. Schmidt: Michael, Emmett... Brian. I met them while you were... asleep.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh.
Mrs. Schmidt: They're very nice. Especially Michael.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Yeah, Michael is... especially special.
Mrs. Schmidt: Are you two...? I mean...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, no. No. We, ah... He's just a friend.
Mrs. Schmidt: Well, he's a very good friend. He was very kind to me. I'm grateful you have him.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Yeah, so am I.
Mrs. Schmidt: Because more than anything, I worry that you're alone. That there's no one to look after you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I can take care of myself.
Mrs. Schmidt: Oh, I know you can. You've always been self-sufficient. I just... I wish you had someone to love you. And if you did, maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Mom, please, let's uh...
Mrs. Schmidt: I'm sorry. I know that it embarrasses you if I talk too much or I get too emotional. But I can't help thinking that, if you haven't woken up, and I would have never gotten a chance to let you know, how proud I am that you're my son. And that... it doesn't matter to me what you are. Yeah I got over that a long time ago. And that whenever you're feeling alone, or that no one loves you; it's not true. Because I do!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [long pause] Thank you, Mom for eh... for saying that.

Michael Novotny: Okay, just so you don't freak out... Your dildos are missing. And your porn. We had to move it all... in case your Mom found it.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Well, I expect all thirty-three back.
[to Emmett and Brian]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Cleaned.
Emmett Honeycutt: You should eat something, honey.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'm not hungry.
Michael Novotny: We bought you a whole fucking chicken!
Brian Kinney: And you're gonna eat it.
Emmett Honeycutt: [to Brian] Oh, my God. Look at this. Who keeps lube in their front kitchen cabinet?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: It always looks so much smaller.
Michael Novotny: What does?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Your life. Especially after returning from a near-death experience.
Michael Novotny: Like watching the Oscars.
[lowering his voice]
Michael Novotny: Immediately proceeded by...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt, Michael Novotny: "The Barbara Walter's Special!".
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'm glad you're here.
Michael Novotny: You are? Well, ah... I... uhm...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What?
Michael Novotny: I'm... ah... I'm glad you're here too.
[Ted smiles.]
Michael Novotny: And if you ever wanna talk about this..., or other stuff...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Other stuff?
Michael Novotny: You know, if there's some... You know, something you can't talk about.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Like what?
Michael Novotny: I don't know. You know, maybe if you talk about it, it might help it? But, you, ah, you might not get what you want. But... Oh, shit!
Brian Kinney: [interrupting the conversation] Are you going to come eat the chicken?
Michael Novotny: ... I'm gonna arrange the daisies.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I saw you.... Fucking. When I woke up. I thought: ...I'm in hell. And this is my punishment. - Watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity.
Brian Kinney: [Brian puts his arm around Ted's shoulder] You should be so lucky. Why me? Why did you choose me?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: My mother couldn't do it. Michael and Emmett couldn't do it. But you could..., because you're a heartless shit. You could pull the plug and you wouldn't cry. And you'd know when it's time to go.


"Queer as Folk: Smells Like Codependence (#1.7)" (2001)
Justin Taylor: It's not his fault. I'm not a child. I'm turning eighteen soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.
Emmett Honeycutt: Hopefully, not on the same day.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Maybe so. But as far as your parents are concerned, you're still their sweet, innocent, little boy. They're not ready to think of you sucking cock and taking it up the ass.
Michael Novotny: Ma, do you have to be so graphic?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Michael, I'm making a point. Would you please note interrupt when I'm talking. So, what was I talking about?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Something about...
Michael Novotny: Sucking cock...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And taking it up the ass.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Right.

Justin Taylor: Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Thank you, Doogie Howser.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [to Michael] I could fix you up with my sister... Only, she looks like me in a dress.


"Queer as Folk: Accentuate the Positive (#2.9)" (2002)
Ted: I took viagra last night. It's been 18 hours and it won't go down. What am I going to do?
Emmett: Have you tried soaking it?
Lindsay: How about a cold shower?
Brian: How about scaring it?
Justin: That's hiccups.
Brian: Boo!
Ted: Thank you all for caring.
Melanie: What about something that would completely turn you off?
Brian: That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your tits.

Ted: Well, don't worry, God still loves you no matter what.
Brian: Yeah. like I give a shit what God thinks about me. He'd better be worried what I think about him.
Michael Novotny: How do you figure that?
Brian: Well, in all this cold dead universe, we're the only ones who know he exists. Without us, he's nothing.


"Queer as Folk: Surprise! (#1.11)" (2001)
Ted Schmidt: Are you out of your mind? Guys like us do not turn down guys like him! You have acted like flagrant violation of the entire gay social structure. They're going to vote you out of the brotherhood.

Emmett Honeycutt: Ted, have you ever asked yourself: 'Is going to tea-dances with Brian and having indiscriminate sex with countless strangers is really the life I want?'
Ted Schmidt: I have. And the answer is, you bet your ass it is.
Emmett Honeycutt: Have you ever wondered yourself, 'Is this the life God wants for me?'
Ted Schmidt: Well, I suppose in his infinite wisdom, he decided that somebody had to live in Pittsburgh.
Emmett Honeycutt: Have you ever wondered 'Is there a better life?
Ted Schmidt: Yeah, I could have a ten-inch dick and look like him.


"Queer as Folk: Daddy Dearest (Sonny Boy) (#1.9)" (2001)
[Michael has just volunteered to go to New York with Brian to find Justin]
Ted: Well, as long as the back seat's empty, I might as well be in it.
Emmett: Yeah, yeah, count me in.
Brian: Why do you guys want to go?
Emmett: Why? Why?
Ted: How can you even ask that?
Emmett: Brian, you're one of our closest friends!
Ted: We can't let you go off on this perilous journey all on your own.
Emmett: We are going to be with you all the way!
Brian: I'm touched. What's the real reason?
[Ted and Emmett look at each other and smile]
Ted, Emmett: [chanting] Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!

Emmett: Alright, let's sing some Barbra.
Ted: Can't do Barbra unless you've got the lyrics on the monitor.
Emmett: Bitch!
Brian: If one of you starts to sing "People", I will leave you on the side of the road without stopping.
Michael Novotny: He's not kidding.


"Queer as Folk: Ted's Not Dead (#1.4)" (2000)
Brian Kinney: If I don't get this account, I'll be fucked. And without lube.
Emmett Honeycutt: And that's a bad thing?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's amazing how you always work anal intercourse into the conversation.
Brian Kinney: Hey, you try spending an evening with some back-slapping breeder from out of town, smoking cigars, and talking about pussy.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'd love to hear what you have to say about pussy.
Brian Kinney: That is a good thing you got one, because you wouldn't know what to do with a dick.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Move over. So you boys in the mood for something sweet, or are you gonna pick up a little something at Woody's?
[pinches Michael's cheeks]
Michael Novotny: Ma, stop pinching my cheeks.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Oh, bend over so I can pinch the other ones.

Emmett Honeycutt: [talking about David] ...It's every mother's dream.
Michael Novotny: Just be sure not to tell mine. I don't need her to know every time I go out.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Every time you go out is once a year.
Michael Novotny: Thanks for keeping count.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Accounting is my life.
Emmett Honeycutt: So, what's he like?
Michael Novotny: Old.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What's old?
Michael Novotny: Older than you? Probably... forty?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: That is old.
Emmett Honeycutt: On the other hand, they don't come as quick, and they have lots of money. So where's he taking you?
Michael Novotny: Some place called Pappagano.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I hope he's paying.
Michael Novotny: Is it expensive?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: A medium-priced entrée is more than your tax return.
Michael Novotny: Shit.


"Queer as Folk: Stop Hurting Us (#3.7)" (2003)
Melanie: Stockwell is out for blood. He wants to make you an example in his campaign against porn, drugs and sex.
Emmett: Everything we hold dear.
Ted Schmidt: There must be someone you know who could pull a few strings, put in a kind word on my behalf.
Melanie: Uh, there's someone we all know.
Emmett: Brian.
Ted Schmidt: I'm a dead man.

Ted Schmidt: I doubt the state pen allows gay conjugal visits.
Emmett: They did in this film I saw.
Ted Schmidt: Which one was that?
Emmett: "Jeff Stryker does hard time".


"Queer as Folk: Surprise Kill (#1.18)" (2001)
Ted Schmidt: Gay men and straight girls sleeping together? Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

Ted Schmidt: [Ted and Blake are kissing, suddenly Ted stops]
Ted Schmidt: Um, look.
[Blake tries to kiss him again]
Ted Schmidt: No, no. let's uh, let's not rush into this, okay? I mean, we both need time to comprehend and to process how we feel. Hmm? That said, I think it would be more appropriate, not to mention responsible for both of us to... of fuck it!
[They start kissing again]


"Queer as Folk: The Dangers of Sex and Drugs (#2.14)" (2002)
[Brian, Micheal, and Ted are getting pulled over by the police]
Ted: Do you have anything on you?
Brian: Yeah, sixteen pounds of cocaine and twenty-four ounces of heroin.
Ted: This is no time to be funny!
Brian: Who's being funny?

Ted: I'm so disappointed.
Michael Novotny: I know, I fucked up!
Ted: I don't mean that. All the porno flicks I've seen that take place in prison always show these hot criminal types in heavy man-on-man action. Nothing like this.


"Queer as Folk: Out with a Whimper (#2.20)" (2002)
Emmett Honeycutt: Who?
Ted Schmidt: You.
Emmett Honeycutt: You, who?
Ted Schmidt: You, you.
Emmett Honeycutt: Me, you?
Ted Schmidt: Yes, you, you.


"Queer as Folk: Running to Stand Still (#1.21)" (2001)
[Ted at Emmett's flannel going away party for Michael]
Ted: Flannel. Isn't that Lesbian lingerie?


"Queer as Folk: Liberty Ride (#4.14)" (2004)
[Ted and Emmett are lost in the middle of nowhere]
Emmett Honeycutt: I think we should have taken a left at this little squiggle here.
Ted Schmidt: I thought you knew how to read a map!
Emmett Honeycutt: Of course I know how to read a map. You go down this road, make a left at 'Up Yours', then continue on about 3 miles to 'Go Fuck Yourself'.


"Queer as Folk: The King of Babylon (#1.20)" (2001)
Emmett Honeycutt: [Talking about Mel] Compared to her, I feel so ignorant ,so useless.
Ted Schmidt: You are. On the other hand, she doesn't have your height, or your ability to wear chartreuse in the daytime, so it all evens out.


"Queer as Folk: All Better Now (#2.2)" (2002)
Ted Schmidt: I mean, he fired me. Me - the hardest working most devoted employee he's got. And for what?
Michael Novotny: Wanking to the web?
Ted Schmidt: No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't wanking. I was watching - same as everybody else in that office. The only difference I wasn't watching what everybody else watches.
Emmett Honeycutt: Straight sex.
Ted Schmidt: Yeah, it's fine to salivate over some bimbo with boobs the size of flotation devices stuffing a zucchini up her twat. But god forbid you should see some guy with pecs of death squatting on a road teepee. Oh, then you're instantly out on your ass!
Michael Novotny: That's discrimination on the workplace.


"Queer as Folk: Hunt(Er) for Love (#3.8)" (2003)
[Ted and Emmet are at the Diner. Ted has hurt his back and can't stand upright]
Emmett Honeycutt: Now, let's, uh... let's have a little lunch, starting with a vicacet appetizer.
Ted Schmidt: I don't believe in drugs. I'll take my pain straight up.
Debbie Novotny: Shame you can't stand that way.
Emmett Honeycutt: Would you bring me a scoop of butter pecan, Debbie?
[starts whispering]
Emmett Honeycutt: Whenever we wanted, uh, our dog, fetch, to take a pill we'd always hide it in the ice cream.
Debbie Novotny: [whispering back] Got it.
Ted Schmidt: Do you really think I couldn't hear what you just said?
Emmett Honeycutt: Fetch heard everything we said too, but he couldn't resist the butter pecan.


"Queer as Folk: Escalating Violence (#4.4)" (2004)
Brian: Listen to me! Are you listening?
Ted: I'm listening.
Brian: You may be a pathetic drug addict who's lost everything; your dignity, your livelihood, your lover, your good name, the respect and trust of everyone you know...
Ted: No one gives a pep talk like you, Brian!


"Queer as Folk: You Say It's Your Birthday! I Couldn't Care Less! (#2.16)" (2002)
Ted Schmidt: [to Emmett who is dressed up as a geisha] You put the "gay" back in geisha.