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Quotes for
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus (Character)
from "Queer as Folk" (2000)

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"Queer as Folk: The Art of Desperation (#1.6)" (2001)
Justin Taylor: [Justin sees Melanie and Lindsay from across the street. To Daphne] Look! That's them. Brian's lesbians.
[crossing the street]
Justin Taylor: Hey. Hey! How's it going?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: I'm sorry, do we know you?
Justin Taylor: I'm Justin. Brian's friend. I was there the night Gus was born. I named him.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Yeah...
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, right! So when Gus ends up pumping gas, we'll have you to thank.
[Lindsay laughs.]
Justin Taylor: This is Daphne.
Daphne Chanders: Hi. I'm not lesbian, but I, I... I'm a big fan.
[Lindsay and Melanie don't know what to say.]
Justin Taylor: He's gotten so big already.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, well, you would too if all you did was sleep and eat all day.
Daphne Chanders: He does.
Justin Taylor: He's like the cutest baby I've ever seen. If you ever need a babysitter...
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Don't say that unless you mean it.
Justin Taylor: And if you need any help carrying stuff to the car, I'll be glad to be of...
[Lindsay immediately hands the bags over to Justin.]
Justin Taylor: [slowly] ...assistance.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Wow, you're good for a thousand and one uses.
Daphne Chanders: I'll see you later.
Justin Taylor: I don't know.

Brian: [Brian knocks on the door. Melanie opens it, and a doll greets her.] I got something for Gus.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [laughing] That's so sweet. We'll call Michael later to thank him.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: How long have you been drawing?
Justin Taylor: My Mom brought me crayons when I was still in the crib. I never stopped.
Brian: What's he doing here?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: We ran into each other on the street.
Justin Taylor: It was like this weird coincidence.
Brian: I bet.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [looking at Justin's drawings] You know, these are good!
Justin Taylor: That's what my Mother says.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Lindsay's an art teacher.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: For someone your age, you have an amazing feel for the human form.
Brian: I've noticed that myself.
[throws a teddy bear at Justin]

Brian: Good. Give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me.
[throws the bear at him again]
Justin Taylor: Don't flatter yourself.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [laughs] Oh, we like Justin. Justin can stay.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: We'll make sure everyone comes.
[to Brian]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: including you.
Brian: Bitch.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Everyone loves your drawings!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah, check out the food?
Justin Taylor: I'm not hungry.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Okay, how about the cute guys? There are some right over there just about your age.
[Justin looks over to the entrance, and he sees the love of his life.]
Justin Taylor: [smiles] He's here.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [sarcastically] Hmmm... Yippee.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [looking at the boys] "The Brian And Michael Show", blah blah blah. Stuck in perpetual reruns.
Dr. David Cameron: Was it always like that? Michael running after him?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: It's the greatest love story never told, trust me. What was your name?
Dr. David Cameron: David.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Melanie. Trust me, David, long after you're gone, he'll still have Michael. Brian's little acolyte, poor guy. But don't worry, Michael can wait forever; Brian will never fuck him. Pardon my French.

Dr. David Cameron: So I suppose I just keep him company while Michael waits.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh. Oh... Oh, shit! Oh... You're with Michael?
Dr. David Cameron: [nodding] Yeah.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Ehm... Oh, Jesus, I, I... I'm sorry. I... I... I didn't mean that, I... I mean... Well I... I mean, Brian's the one that's always showing up with some new guy, so I just assumed that, uhm...
Dr. David Cameron: Don't worry about it.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Well, you know, they... they're... They love each other as friends, but that's it. That's really, that's all it is.
Dr. David Cameron: Really? It's not like I didn't know.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Do you... want a shrimp ball?
Dr. David Cameron: No... thanks.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Fuck.

"Queer as Folk: No Bris, No Shirt, No Service (#1.3)" (2000)
Katsuo: [Katsuo talks away in Japanese.] Kane. Kane.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Yeah, okay, alright. Let's go ask Melanie. She's fluent in sushi. Come, come, come, come.
[guiding him to Melanie]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [talking to someone on camera] Ha-ha... Okay, have a bagel.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Mel. Hi, Mel. Okay, and cut. Great! Look, we need you to translate.
[to Katsuo]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Talk to Melanie. Melanie speak all Axis Powers.
[Katsuo begins to tell his story while Melanie listens.]
Michael: He keeps saying "Kane".
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah...
[pulling Michael away from Katsuo]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: "Kane" is money! He's saying he expects Emmett to pay him.
Michael: For what?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: He's a God damned male prostitute!
Michael: Oh, shit!
Katsuo: [Emmett walks over to Katsuo before Michael could stop him.] Kane!
Emmett Honeycutt: Come, come, sweetie.
Michael: Melanie says, "Kane" means...
[long pause]
Michael: ..."love". He says he loves your voice. It's like a silent wind chime, and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze.
Emmett Honeycutt: That... That is... That is the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: This is Rabbi Protesh. He'll be doing the brisk.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, I love pot roast.
[Rabbi Protesh laughs.]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: That's "brisket"! I believe in the Jewish faith the "brisk" is a circumcision ceremony.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: What the hell do you think you're doing? Barging in here, interrupting a religious ceremony?
Brian: You should have asked my permission first!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: For what?
Brian: To circumcise my son!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: We don't have to ask your permission. We're the parents!
Brian: And I'm the biological father. And that gives me more rights than you.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: I see someone's been studying his law.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Look, this is no time to be having this conversation! We have a house full of guests.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah, and since when did you start caring about your son? Considering you haven't been to see him once since he was born.
Brian: Well, I'm not exactly welcome.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, bull shit! You've been too busy fucking everything that moves!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Could we please stop this? Why does it matter to you if Gus is circumcised?
Brian: It matters that he's been in this world less than a week and already there are people who won't accept him for the way he is. Who'd even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is. The way he was born. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [Melanie and Lindsay walk in, Melanie's pissed.] Should I freeze this or toss it?
[Melanie slams the dish on the counter, then storms to the dining room.]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: I'd rather not have it around when i'm trying to get back into shape...
[Lindsay walks into the dining room.]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: So how long is this gonna go on? Or do you plan never to speak to me ever again?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [slams dish] What would you like me to say?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Anything.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: All right, how about "I have a house full of uneaten cold cuts and an uncircumcised son"! How's that?
[picks up some plates and storms to the kitchen]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [sips some orange juice] Look,
[follows Melanie into the kitchen]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Brian's gonna take out the insurance policy. At least he's agreed to do that. That's something, isn't it?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, my consolation prize!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Well, it was important enough to you last week!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: So was this afternoon. But now I have been humiliated in front of our friends, my relatives, Rabbi Protesh... Where's the goddamn plastic wrap?
[Lindsay hands it to her, Melanie snatches out of Lindsay's hand.]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: And you let him do it!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Me?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: You're the one who decided to call off the brisk. Of course, I know it's not very important to you or Brian but it happens to be a very important ritual in my family.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You know there are a lot of men who think circumcision is a cruel and barbaric practice?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [slams the refrigerator shut] I don't care what men think about their dicks! I care that you put Brian before me. But, you know, why should I be surprised? You always have!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Oh, for Christ's sake, are we really gonna go through this again? I don't want to have this conversation!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah, and I didn't want Brian to be the baby's father in the first place. But no, you had to have it your way. It had to be Brian or no one! So now he's a part of our lives forever! Whether we like it or not!

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Look, it doesn't matter who's right. We can't allow Brian to come between us as much as he'd like to.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: And you know he would.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Even if he is the Father, we're still the parents. You and me. Gus belongs to us. And that's why we had him.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: No, you had him. Aside from saying 'push and breathe' I really don't have that much to do with it.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You had everything to do with it. I never would have had him without you. Just remember that next time you're wondering who comes first.

"Queer as Folk: Premiere (#1.1)" (2000)
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Want to hold him?
[Brian approaches the baby, holding him.]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Ca... Careful! Don't drop him.
Brian: That is just what I was planning on doing.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: We've been thinking of names. Mel wants to call him Abraham after her grandfather, but I like Gus.
[Brian looks at his son, then over to Justin.]
Brian: What do you think?
Justin: You wouldn't survive a day in school being named Abraham, but I guess Gus is okay.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Thank you very much, and who the hell are you?
Brian: His name's... Juh...
Michael Novotny: Justin.
Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.
Lesbians In The Room: Ugh...
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Oh, Brian!
Brian: He can't help it. He's only seventeen.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.
Brian: But mine doesn't suck on my tits, unless I want him to.
[looking back at Gus]
Brian: Gus! It's a good butch name. Come on Gus; give your daddy a smile.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [on answering machine tape] Where the hell are you? I've been trying your cell. It's turned off. If you're there, pick up. Brian. Listen, Lindsay's water broke. She's having contractions. We're at the hospital.
Brian: [quick-pan to Brian as he stands bolt-upright.] Fuck! I have a baby.
Justin: [in the bathroom] Ouch!
Brian: Two babies.

Brian Kinney: A million dollars?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: That's the general idea.
Brian Kinney: A million fucking dollars?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Brian, please? You'll wake the baby.
Brian Kinney: Well the answer is no. Definitely not.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: I don't understand the problem. I mean, Lindsay told me you offered to help support him.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: It was very generous.
Brian Kinney: Well that's different than a life insurance policy.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: It's simply in case something happens to you.
Brian Kinney: Like I'm decapitated on a railroad crossing? Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion? You know, I can just imagine the grisly deaths you've conjured up for me.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Like in case you get sick.
Brian Kinney: [pausing] ...Ah. Even better.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Considering your life. When's the last time you're tested.
Brian Kinney: Six months ago! I was negative.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: That's twenty-six weeks and a hundred and eighty-two one-night stands.
Brian Kinney: You know I've always admired people who can multiply in their heads. And I'm always careful.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Look, this isn't for us. It's for our son. We need to make sure he'll be provided for.
Brian Kinney: And all I have to do is die.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Hopefully, not before you sign these papers.
[smug-smiling at Brian]

"Queer as Folk: A Change of Heart (#1.14)" (2001)
Ted: You know, I never realized, till seeing it with you, that A Night at the Opera is such an epic tragedy...
Melanie Marcus: I'm sorry, it's just that last Halloween Lindsay went as Groucho and went as Harpo.
Ted: Well, that explains it.
Melanie Marcus: Oh, God, nothing personal, but I just wish she was here.
Ted: I understand. Most of my dates wish they were withsomeone else.
Melanie Marcus: Oh, don't say that. You are real catch.
Ted: I know. Just my luck that lesbians find me irresistible.

Emmett Honeycutt: Their not really a couple, heather.
Ted: I'm a homo.
Melanie Marcus: And I'm a lesbo.
Heather: Oh. I thought, from the hug, that maybe you were normal.
Melanie Marcus: [to Heather] We are.
[to Emmet]
Melanie Marcus: What the hell has gotten into you?
Ted: He's seen the light
Melanie Marcus: Where are they shining it, up your ass?
Heather: See the Light is helping us built a happy, heterosexual life
Melanie Marcus: Yeah, well, while you're at it, why don't you ask the Wizard for a brain?
Emmett Honeycutt: I'm so glad that we amuse you.
Melanie Marcus: Who's amused? I'm outraged.
Emmett Honeycutt: Just ignore her, Heather, they don't understand.
Melanie Marcus: I understand you assholes are setting back the gay rights movement about fifty years.

Justin Taylor: Here, drink this. It's a secret recipe that my alcoholic grandmother used to make.
Brian Kinney: Jesus, it smells like a dirty jockstrap.
Melanie Marcus: Well, in that case, you should like it.
Brian Kinney: The secret is, she pissed in it.
Justin Taylor: I'm just trying to help you. You know I'd do anything.
Melanie Marcus: Oh Jesus. Let's just pray the arbitrator's gay and thinks he's cute.

"Queer as Folk: Surprise! (#1.11)" (2001)
Ted: [after getting the results from his A.I.D.S. test] I'm negative... I'm negative.
Melanie Marcus: That's okay. Happy people can be really annoying.

Melanie Marcus: [to Brian] Is there anyone here tonight that hasn't been fucked by Brian Kinney, one way or another?

Melanie Marcus: I feel like she's shutting me out. I just die how long I can take it.
Ted: Look, I don't wanna hear this.
Melanie Marcus: Why can't I share?
Ted: Because the minute you start telling your friends your relationship problems, it's the beginning of the end. Find a shrink!
Melanie Marcus: I've been in therapy for six years.
Ted: Are you covered by insurance?
Melanie Marcus: Yep.
Ted: Great! Then have a breakdown. You can afford it.

"Queer as Folk: Smells Like Codependence (#1.7)" (2001)
Melanie: [to David] Brian... I know what it's like. His manipulations.

Justin: [talking about Brian getting in an accident] Oh my god. It was my dad. I know it. When I saw his car, it was totally smashed!
Melanie: Now why would your father want to do something like that?
Justin: Because my Mom told him everything. He wants to have you arrested and send me away.
Brian Kinney: Don't be a drama princess.

"Queer as Folk: Now Approaching... The Line (#1.5)" (2000)
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Listen, about Friday... you don't have any plans do you?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Not that I know of?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Not working late?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: No.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: That's good... Because I invited Brian for dinner.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, Christ!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: How about I make that chicken you like?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Forget it. I wouldn't let him touch my silverware knowing where his hands have been.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You know, I wish the two of you would make the slightest effort to get along, so I don't have to be the smiling lesbian in the middle.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Who asked you to be? Just leave him out of my life.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Sounds like my mom's recipe: cook for one week, remove all flavor, eat.

"Queer as Folk: Stop Hurting Us (#3.7)" (2003)
[Melanie is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test]
Lindsay: [standing outside the bathroom] You're not supposed to test everytime you tinkle!
Melanie: Says who?
Lindsay: [laughing] You have to let Mother Nature take her course in her own sweet time!
Melanie: [poking her head out of the bathroom] Easy for her to say! She's already a mother!

Melanie: Stockwell is out for blood. He wants to make you an example in his campaign against porn, drugs and sex.
Emmett: Everything we hold dear.
Ted Schmidt: There must be someone you know who could pull a few strings, put in a kind word on my behalf.
Melanie: Uh, there's someone we all know.
Emmett: Brian.
Ted Schmidt: I'm a dead man.

"Queer as Folk: Tweaked-Out, Fucked-Out Crystal Queen (#3.13)" (2003)
Emmett: You were right. I am just a silly faggot.
Melanie Marcus: No. You stood beside your partner, No matter what anyone said. And that makes you a very loyal, very brave faggot.

"Queer as Folk: Accentuate the Positive (#2.9)" (2002)
Ted: I took viagra last night. It's been 18 hours and it won't go down. What am I going to do?
Emmett: Have you tried soaking it?
Lindsay: How about a cold shower?
Brian: How about scaring it?
Justin: That's hiccups.
Brian: Boo!
Ted: Thank you all for caring.
Melanie: What about something that would completely turn you off?
Brian: That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your tits.

"Queer as Folk: Move It or Lose It (#1.12)" (2001)
Brian Kinney: Meet my latest trick.
[the camera zooms down, so a a teddy bear dressed up in a leather is visible]
Melanie Marcus: I didn't know you were into bears. I thought you preferred the young, hairless, not-admitted-without-a-parent-or-guardian type.

"Queer as Folk: Poster May Lead to the Truth (#3.11)" (2003)
Lindsay Peterson: You know how Melanie likes to watch money.
Melanie Marcus: . I-I-Is that an anti-Semitic remark?

"Queer as Folk: Daddy Dearest (Sonny Boy) (#1.9)" (2001)
Nurse: Look, Miss, or whatever you are... I believe it was already explained to you that only the child's parents or legal guardian's are permitted to be with him.
Melanie Marcus: And I believe it needs to be explained to you, that I'm the one who loves him, feeds him and walks him, and plays with him, and changes him, and cleans up his shit and wipes up his vomit... and pays the bills, and you listen to me. I stay up half the night worrying that he will grow up to be happy and healthy and loved. So don't you dare tell me I have no right to be with him, you officious, homophobic cunt.

"Queer as Folk: Queens of the Road (#1.10)" (2001)
Lindsay Peterson: I guess that's what happens after six years. You just...
Melanie Marcus: ...Become one.

"Queer as Folk: Ted's Not Dead (#1.4)" (2000)
Mel: Yeah. that's what I said to him. I said "Brian is not the person you want responsible for your life. He's a selfish, narcissistic, little, fucking faggot". And let me tell you something, it's not because you suck cock! It's because you're a little fucking coward!