Michael Novotny
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Quotes for
Michael Novotny (Character)
from "Queer as Folk" (2000)

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"Queer as Folk: Premiere (#1.1)" (2000)
[first lines]
Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact, they say men think about sex every twenty eight seconds. Of course, that's straight men. With gay men, it's every nine. You can be at the supermarket or the laundromat or buying a fabulous shirt, when suddenly you find yourself checking out some hot guy, hotter than the one you saw last weekend, or went home with the night before. Which explains why we're all at Babylon at one in the morning, instead of at home in bed. But who wants to be at home in bed, especially alone, when you can be here, knowing that at any moment, you might see him - the most beautiful man whoever lived... That is, until tomorrow night! By the way, that's me. Six-one, Forty six inch chest, sixteen inch biceps, twenty eight inch waist, a veritable God. I wish. Okay, that's me. Michael Novotny, the semi-cute boy-next-door type. Twenty nine, five-ten, one forty, nine and a half cut. Alright, so I exaggerate. But, like, who's told the truth since they invented cybersex?

Emmett Honeycutt: [referring to the hot guy who walks by at Babylon] My God..., have you ever seen anything more beautiful.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Venice. At sunset.
Emmett Honeycutt: Fine. You go down the Grand Canal. I'll go down on him.
[jokingly follows after guy]
Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you gotta admit, these days it takes real guts to be a queen in a world full of commoners.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: The problem with perfection... is its inability to recognize anything less perfect than itself.
Emmett Honeycutt: In other words, you hit on him and he turned you down.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Yeah.
Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Ted's this really smart guy, and he's got a really big heart. Only nobody here's interested in the size of that organ.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Why am I wasting my time staring at a bunch of over-pumped princesses with I.Q.'s smaller than their waists...?
[Ted froze as a hot guy walked past him]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Jesus, look at him!
Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Like I said, it's all about sex. 'Except when you're having it. And then it's all about, "Will he stay?", "Will he go?", "How am I doing?", "What am I doing?". Unless, of course, you're Brian Kinney. And then it's "Who gives a fuck what you think? You're lucky to have me".

Michael Novotny: Hey, Todd! How's it going?
Todd: Fine!

Michael Novotny: [Brian is receiving oral sex from a guy in the back room of Babylon.] We need to go. We want to eat.
Brian: I'm just gonna give him my number.
Michael Novotny: What'd you do, you write it on your dick? How long is this gonna take?
Brian: [looking at the face of the guy] Ten minutes. Tops.

Michael Novotny: That was quick.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Hell, when you've had as much practice as he's had.
Brian: I got bored.
Emmett Honeycutt: I know. Getting your dick sucked can be so tedious.

Emmett Honeycutt: Don't look now but somebody's wat-ching.
Michael Novotny: Oh, him. He's been cruising me all night.
Emmett Honeycutt: Hmm... playing hard to get. I love that in a man.
Michael Novotny: Not playing, just not interested.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Check out that bubble butt. And that basket? Enough in there for the Big Bad Wolf.
Michael Novotny: Would you quit staring! There's more to a guy than his cock size... Or his perfectly shaped ass.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Which is why you read all those comic books, with those superheroes in their little tights - for the plot.

Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] And that's when it happened. When he came along.
Brian: How's it going? Had a busy night?
Justin: Just eh... Checking out the bars, you know. Boy Toy, Meat Hook.
Brian: The Meat Hook? Really? So you're into leather?
Justin: [hesitating] ...Sure.
Brian: Where're you headed?
Justin: No place special.
Brian: I can change that.
[both of them got into the jeep.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Hey! Hey, what about us?
Brian: You can ride with Ted.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Thanks a lot!
Michael Novotny: Asshole!

Emmett Honeycutt: Oh my God, look. He must've followed us.
Michael Novotny: Christ! That's just what I need.
Emmett Honeycutt: Honey, it's what we all need.
[Michael shakes his head, ready to go into his house. Emmett stopping Michael.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Hey, when was last time you got laid?
[Michael opens his mouth, doesn't know how to respond.]
Emmett Honeycutt: My point exactly: if you can't remember, then it's time.

Emmett Honeycutt: [Michael is making out with a guy when Emmett walks into them.] Woo! Don't mind me, just eh... can't sleep without my milk and Oreos.
Michael Novotny: This is my friend Emmett. He's staying with me temporarily since the hooker who lived down the hall from him burnt his apartment building down two years ago.
Trick: Two years is a long time to be temporary.
Michael Novotny: And yet it hasn't interfered with my love life... Which I suppose says a lot about my love life.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: We've been thinking of names. Mel wants to call him Abraham after her grandfather, but I like Gus.
[Brian looks at his son, then over to Justin.]
Brian: What do you think?
Justin: You wouldn't survive a day in school being named Abraham, but I guess Gus is okay.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Thank you very much, and who the hell are you?
Brian: His name's... Juh...
Michael Novotny: Justin.
Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.
Lesbians In The Room: Ugh...
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Oh, Brian!
Brian: He can't help it. He's only seventeen.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.
Brian: But mine doesn't suck on my tits, unless I want him to.
[looking back at Gus]
Brian: Gus! It's a good butch name. Come on Gus; give your daddy a smile.

Michael Novotny: It's disgusting, all those lesbians fawning over him and making goo-goo talk.
Brian: That's what women do over babies.
Michael Novotny: Who's talking about the baby? I mean Justin. It's kinda weird, you're having a kid. Still, it's exciting, isn't it?
Brian: What? Having some wrinkled little time clock ticking away? Reminding you that you're getting older by the minute, by the second?
Michael Novotny: Keep thinking like that, you're gonna end up prematurely gray... Oh, I think I see one.
[Michael reaches for Brian, pulling off his hair.]
Brian: Ouch!

Brian: [On the hospital roof, Brian gets up on the ledge.] There is always one solution. I could end it all now right now.
Michael Novotny: Oh, that would be dramatic. It's like "E.R.". Birth and death in the same episode. Now, get down!

Brian: Come 'on, Mikey, let's fly... like in all those comic books. I'm Superman. I'll show you the world!
Michael Novotny: Why am I always Lois Lane?

Michael Novotny: [to Justin] Okay Boy Wonder, I'm taking you home.

Michael Novotny: He calls me, practically begs me to go with him, knowing full well I'm with someone, for the first time in I don't know how long...
Emmett Honeycutt: Seven months, two weeks, and three days.
Michael Novotny: Thank you. And even though the guy wasn't always cracked up to be...
Emmett Honeycutt: We'll let that remark pass.
Michael Novotny: At least he wanted me. Me!
[sitting down on the couch]
Michael Novotny: God, I'm so horny!
Emmett Honeycutt: Poor baby. Well I have just the thing. A new porn video.
[running to get the video]
Emmett Honeycutt: It all takes place in a prisoner of war camp. Hot, horny men starved for action.
Michael Novotny: I can relate to that.
Emmett Honeycutt: [Emmett hands over the video to Michael.] Guaranteed to make your private stand up and salute.
Michael Novotny: "Schindler's Fist"?
Emmett Honeycutt: Ah... Here.
[handing Michael the remote]
Emmett Honeycutt: I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you're going to have a deep, meaningful relationship. Good night!

Michael Novotny: [Michael walks into Brian and Justin, kissing.] Christ! Didn't you get enough last night?
Brian: There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast.

Brian: [surprised by the graffiti on his jeep] Oh, that's beautiful, Mikey. Just beautiful.
Michael Novotny: It's not my fault! I've told you about those two psychopaths down the street.
Brian: What? A couple of twelve-year-olds?
Michael Novotny: They start early these days!
[looking at Justin]
Michael Novotny: What are you laughing at?
Justin: Nothing... You. You sound like my parents fighting.

Brian: [everyone at Justin's school is staring at Brian's jeep with the word 'faggot' on it.] Here we are, sonny boy.
Michael Novotny: Be sure to come home right after school.
Brian: No lingering on the playground or the locker room with the gym teacher.
Michael Novotny: Oh, you did not tell him about that!
Brian: It's the most famous shower scene since "Psycho".
Justin's Schoolmate: [passing by, screaming at Justin] Hey, Justin..., you wanna suck me off?
Brian: No.
[getting down from his jeep]
Brian: But I'll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won't sit down for a week!

[first lines]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Brian Kinney, a father.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] It's true. I was there. I saw it happen with my own eyes.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Would you give the guy a break?
Emmett Honeycutt: [on the phone] Couldn't be any worse than my Daddy was.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Or mine. Not that I remember him.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] So what's next? PTA Parent, Little League coach, Scout master?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] They don't allow queers into the scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.
Emmett Honeycutt: [on the phone] I only go out with men who already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and... Lindsay's nose.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] You should see the pictures I took. He is so adorable. In one of them, he's actually playing with himself.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Who, Brian?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] No, the baby. Imagine, he's only been in the world an hour and already he's pulling his pud.

Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Remember that story we all read in high school? You know, the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? Plato or whoever? All they could see were shadows on a wall. So, after a while, they started thinking that was reality. Well, in a way, that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone who he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real. That no one's really there. That they're only ... shadows. Then again, who ever got anal warts in a chat room?

Michael Novotny: It was a trap!
Emmett Honeycutt: Hey! See that number in the red shorts?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I can work out for a hundred years and never look like that.
Michael Novotny: Pretending she didn't like her just to see what I'd say.
Emmett Honeycutt: Shawn Peters, went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And?
Michael Novotny: ...And I fell for it!
Emmett Honeycutt: Turns out, he's a big, nelly bottom!
[laughing]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I could've told you that!
Emmett Honeycutt: Ugh! It's so discouraging. Are there no real man left?
Michael Novotny: Now they're expecting me to meet them?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Steroid city?
Michael Novotny: No! In a straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?
Emmett Honeycutt: [speaking really fast] There's this new girl at work who's interested in you, Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her, and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go, or they might suspect.
[changing topic]
Emmett Honeycutt: Check out Mr. Peck-Deck.
[back to Michael]
Emmett Honeycutt: So what if they do?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: They could fire him?
Michael Novotny: Or I can end up an assistant manager for the rest of my life.

Emmett Honeycutt: And... the solution is to pretend you like pussy?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [sigh] Look, he's not like you, okay?
Emmett Honeycutt: What is that supposed to mean?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.
Emmett Honeycutt: Are you accusing me of being obvious?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: If the 'fuck-me' pump fits...
Emmett Honeycutt: Ah...
[putting down his barbells]
Emmett Honeycutt: Well... I could be a... a real man if I wanted to. You know...
[Michael stops doing his routine, raises his eyebrows, looking at Emmett]
Emmett Honeycutt: ...just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never, never use words like, like "fabulous" or "divine". Talk about... I don't know,
[deepening his voice]
Emmett Honeycutt: nailing bitches and R.B.I.'s. But I'd rather my flame burn bright! Than be some puny little pilot light.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And a fabulous flame it is.
Emmett Honeycutt: Thank you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Yeah, but Michael is out there in the straight world. Believe me, it isn't easy.
[reassuring Michael]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You do what you have to do.
Michael Novotny: I better go change.
Emmett Honeycutt: For your big date? Here's a Sports mag. Better bone up. Just in case the conversation veers away from Liza's weight problem.

Michael Novotny: We need a secret code word like "Shazam" so that if I get into a tight spot, you could come and rescue me.
Brian Kinney: Tight spot? How about "butt-plug"?
Michael Novotny: "Butt-plug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.
Brian Kinney: Because that's what you are, pretending you're one of them.
Michael Novotny: I couldn't help it!
Brian Kinney: Or you could've told her the truth instead of acting like a scared little faggot. You should've just said, "I take it up the ass, sweetheart. Deal with it!".
Michael Novotny: Right, right. By the way, I noticed you got the jeep repainted.
[They have finally reached the bar.]
Michael Novotny: God this place is like "Breeders' Central". Butt-plug, butt-plug, butt-plug, butt...
Brian Kinney: [pushing Michael down the jeep] See ya, Mikey.

Tracy: [Michael is in a bar with Tracy and a few other straight colleagues, when Tracy starts to talk about plumbing.] Like, can you believe he... he didn't even know how to fix a sink.
Michael Novotny: Really?
Tracy: He called me at work, saying, "What should I do?"... I said, "I don't care what you do. Buy some cement, get a cork, use chewing gum, but plug it up!".
[Everyone's laughing...]
Michael Novotny: Butt-plug...
[laughing]
Michael Novotny: Butt-plug!
[laughing again]

Tracy: You've got to believe, right Mike?
Michael Novotny: Like Cher!

Michael Novotny: [answering his cell phone] Hello, sports fans!
Brian Kinney: [on the phone] I'm coming to get you.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] It's okay. I'm having a really good time. She's really nice.
Brian Kinney: [on the phone] She's really nice? Do you think she and her friends would be really nice if they knew the little charade you were playing? They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] They're not like that.
Brian Kinney: [on the phone] Not like that, huh? Listen to me, Mikey. Are you listening?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Yeah, I'm listening.
Brian Kinney: [on the phone] There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: The ones that hate you to your face... and the ones that hate you behind your back. Now, get the fuck out of there... because I need you.

Justin: Hi!
Brian Kinney: Oh shit! Just what I need. What's his name?
Michael Novotny: Justin! His name's Justin. If I can remember, and I didn't even fuck him, why can't you?
Brian Kinney: Because I did?
[Brian approaches Justin, standing beside him.]
Brian Kinney: So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?

Emmett Honeycutt: You know, for a skinny white boy, I make one fucking fabulous black woman.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: How bout another round on me?
Brian Kinney: I got a better idea. Lets move on.
Michael Novotny: What's wrong with here?
Brian Kinney: I've had everyone here.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: My problem precisely.
Michael Novotny: You haven't had me.
Brian Kinney: [smiles] Oh, yeah?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What? You never told us.
Michael Novotny: There is nothing to tell.
Brian Kinney: We were up in his room. We were fourteen, fifteen tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever. Only, we're not. We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. Anyway, there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing"... without his shirt on. So, I've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey and guess what? He's got one, too.
Michael Novotny: Okay, you can stop now.
Brian Kinney: [laughs] Twin stiffies. I reach over, start rubbing it. He's practically swooning.
[drops voice]
Brian Kinney: I pop it out, start stroking it, nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... his mom walks in without knocking.
Justin: They always do. Did she see you?
Brian Kinney: I don't see how she could have missed it.
Michael Novotny: Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count.

Justin: "Dirty Dancing". That's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney: What?
Justin: I said that's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney: It's not that old.
Justin: How old are you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Ugh-oh.
Brian Kinney: How old do you think I am?
Justin: Thirty-three?
[Everyone laughs.]
Brian Kinney: Fuck you.
Michael Novotny: He's twenty-nine.
Brian Kinney: And fuck you too! What did you tell him for?
Michael Novotny: Fair's fair.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And we all know what that means. In a few months, he'll be thirty. Might as well be dead?
Brian Kinney: Well, you ought to know. You already are.

Michael Novotny: Can we order?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Shoot! I bet that'll be the first time tonight, am I right?
[laughs]
Michael Novotny: Ha-ha... I'll have the chicken-fried steak. No remarks. And he'll have a bacon cheeseburger.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Please?
Michael Novotny: Please.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [to Justin] Gotta keep your strength up sunshine. You can't cruise all night on an empty stomach
[walking away]
Justin: What a freak!
Michael Novotny: Yeah, she takes some getting used to. But once you do, you can't help but love her.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: One chicken-fried steak with no remarks, coming up in a flash.
Michael Novotny: Thanks, Mom.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: You're welcome, baby.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: So you going out cruising after you drop me off?
Michael Novotny: No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Sounds hot!

Michael Novotny: Yeah, well, the thing you gotta know about Brian is... he's not your boyfriend. Brian doesn't do boyfriends.
Justin: Yeah, well... You weren't there when we were doing it. You don't know the things we did. How he kissed me. You don't know anything.
Michael Novotny: I know this: Brian is a selfish prick who doesn't care about anyone but himself. If I were you I'd just forget about him.

[as they are driving back to Brian's loft from the hospital... ]
Michael Charles Novotny: Brian, what did you take?
Brian: A, B, C, D, *E, E, E.*

Brian: I happen to be very kind. Very loving. Hey Zack, how's it going?
Zack: Not bad.
Brian: How's Peter?
Zack: Still dead.
Brian: [to Michael] Oh shit. I forgot.
Michael Novotny: Well, if anyone has any doubts about how kind and loving you are that should convince them.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Are you in pain?
Vic Grassi: Yeah.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Where? Tell me.
Vic Grassi: My wallet.
[hands her a paper]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Holy shit!
Michael Novotny: What is it?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's the MasterCard bill from our trip to Italy.
Vic Grassi: First class airline tickets. The Excelsior in Rome. The diamond and coral earrings I bought you in Capri. They're all there. The problem is, so am I.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Don't say that! It's a miracle you're still alive.
Vic Grassi: It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Hustle?
[They both laugh]


"Queer as Folk: Queer, There and Everywhere (#1.2)" (2000)
Michael: So why punish him by not going?
Brian: Look, it's not if he's gonna know I'm not there.
Michael: Can't be sure. I read some place...
Brian: Where? Marvel Comics?
Michael: ...that infants respond to things even while still in the womb. For instance, tension and discord affect them adversely, while playing Mozart and stuff like that makes 'em super smart.
Brian: Well how do you think listening to the sound of two dikes go down on each other for the past nine months has affected him? Christ. He'll probably grow up to be straight.
Michael: All the more reason why he needs his dad!

[first lines]
Michael: [Voice over narration] About a week, after their baby was born... Thanks in part to the invaluable contribution of Brian Kinney... Lindsay and Melanie had a party. They invited a heard of their nearest and dearest lesbians, assorted relatives and us, the friends of the Father to their house. It was really nice. The smell of bread baking, and fresh flowers everywhere you looked. Not like going to my friends' places, with the smell of dirty laundry, and stacks of porn tapes everywhere you look.

Michael: [voiceover narration] Seeing them in their beautiful home with their new baby and their arms around each other, I wished for a moment that I, too, could be a lesbian. But then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it.

Michael: [voiceover narration] Still being there that day, I realized how different men and women are, and I don't think it has anything to do with being gay or straight. It's that, the way I see it, women know how to commit to each other; men don't. At least not the men I know! But I'm jumping ahead. Let's go back an hour.

Brian: I told you. I'm not going to the muncher's brunch. And that's final!
Michael: Look, it's not for them. It's for you son.
Brian: My son? He's only my son when they want my money.

Michael: [talking to Brian in the steam room] Well, I was just about to say, I think you should rise to the occasion you know, we... bigger than they are. That is if you can take you hand and your mind off your dick long enough.

Emmett Honeycutt: Isn't he gorgeous? His name is Katsuo.
Katsuo: [holding a glass of juice in his hand] Jews?
Emmett Honeycutt: No, no, no.
[pointing at the Jewish people at the brisk]
Emmett Honeycutt: Jews.
[pointing at the glass]
Emmett Honeycutt: Juice. Okay?
[Emmett turns to Michael.]
Emmett Honeycutt: He gives "Pacific Rim", a whole new meaning.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Where did you find him?
Emmett Honeycutt: He found me. I was having drinks in the losers lounge. He comes over, starts chattering away. Only he doesn't speak any English and the only Japanese I know is "Sony" and "Toyota".
Michael: So how do you communicate with him?
Emmett Honeycutt: There's other ways than talking.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full.

Katsuo: [Katsuo talks away in Japanese.] Kane. Kane.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Yeah, okay, alright. Let's go ask Melanie. She's fluent in sushi. Come, come, come, come.
[guiding him to Melanie]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [talking to someone on camera] Ha-ha... Okay, have a bagel.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Mel. Hi, Mel. Okay, and cut. Great! Look, we need you to translate.
[to Katsuo]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Talk to Melanie. Melanie speak all Axis Powers.
[Katsuo begins to tell his story while Melanie listens.]
Michael: He keeps saying "Kane".
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah...
[pulling Michael away from Katsuo]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: "Kane" is money! He's saying he expects Emmett to pay him.
Michael: For what?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: He's a God damned male prostitute!
Michael: Oh, shit!
Katsuo: [Emmett walks over to Katsuo before Michael could stop him.] Kane!
Emmett Honeycutt: Come, come, sweetie.
Michael: Melanie says, "Kane" means...
[long pause]
Michael: ..."love". He says he loves your voice. It's like a silent wind chime, and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze.
Emmett Honeycutt: That... That is... That is the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me.

Michael: Where's Brian?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Looking after the only dick that matters. - His own.

Michael: ...I know that guy. He works out in our gym. Ah... Blake! I think he likes you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, yeah, how can you tell?
Michael: Because he's looking back.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Probably just stretching his neck.
Michael: Will you listen to you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What?
Michael: Always putting yourself down!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Well, better me than them. I'm gentler.
Michael: Doesn't sound like it. You know, it is possible that someone can actually like you, you know.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Yeah, it's possible. However, I'm sure a statistical analysis would reveal that the probability of a guy named "Blake" who looks like that, actually liking a guy named "Ted", who looks like me to be in the... point zero five percentile. In other words, practically zip. Anyway, I'm sure Brian's more his type.
Michael: How do you know that?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Because Brian's everybody's type. Which explains why he's had everybody.
Michael: Wha...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I know, I know. Except for you. Which is kind of weird when you think about it.
Michael: Weird? He's my best friend!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: So?
Michael: So, everybody knows you don't have sex with your friends!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, right! Sex is something you only have with complete strangers, yeah. People you will never see again - unless you just bump into him on the street. But never with someone you might actually give a shit about.
[pause]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Who made us these crazy rules, anyway, huh?
Michael: Beats me. Let's go have a drink.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Or two or three.

Michael: [Justin and Daphne walk into Woody's.] Double shit!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What now?
Michael: It's him, our teen stalker! Christ, why won't be just go away?
Justin Taylor: [to Debbie] Remember me?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Turn around. I never forget a butt, especially a cute one.

Michael: I'm not baby-sitting him again. This time he's all yours!
Brian: What?
Michael: He's over there talking to my mother, you little prick!
Brian: Leave him alone. He's alright.
Michael: ... Excuse me? The noise is so loud in here, I thought I heard you said he's alright.
Brian: In fact, it's kind of sweet.
Michael: Sweet? I thought we got rid of him. I thought he was out of our lives.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [talking about Brian] What's eating him? Or isn't?
[she laughs]
Michael: None of your business.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: You watch your mouth.
Michael: Why do you have to come here?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Well, Vic was feeling better, so we thought we'd come here after my shift and have a drink. What's the big deal?
Michael: The big deal is that I came here to hang out with my friends, not my mother.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Sweetie, you know I approve of your lifestyle.
Michael: Well maybe I don't want you to approve. Maybe I want you to go home and cry.

Michael: What the fuck did you do that for? You practically got us engaged!
Brian: Well, I want to dance with the bride at her wedding. And Tracy too.
Michael: Shit!

Emmett Honeycutt: Time to organize a search party.
Michael: Who's missing?
Emmett Honeycutt: Katsuo! I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mummify me. Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder? Anyway, I turned around, and he was gone.
Michael: I have a feeling he'll be alright.
Emmett Honeycutt: He doesn't speak a word of English! And... and he's so sweet, so innocent. What if some hot, hungry queen tries to have his way with it?
Brian: I thought you already did.
Michael: He's around somewhere. Im sure you'll find him.
Emmett Honeycutt: Thanks.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [talking to a trick] Hey, how're you doing? ... Good, glad to hear it.
[talking to another trick]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Hey, how's it going? ... Ah, yeah, no complains, thanks. Hey, hey, can I buy you a drink?
Michael: Yeah, I'll take a beer.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [shocked, turning back to the source of voice] Oh, it's you.
Michael: Oh, fuck you!
[smiling like a crazy person]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What are you on?
Michael: Nothing. A little Brian's mix. Any luck?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, I'm headed for an all-time season record: Eight straight, actually make that not so straight no hitters.
Michael: Blake just winked at you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: He's got some crystal-meth in his eye.
Michael: He did it again! I told you, he likes you. Why don't you just go and ask him to dance?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: 'Cause he'll just say, "Come back when you get a hair transplant or some liposuction".
Michael: You do not need a hair transplant or liposuction. Besides, nobody would be that cruel to you, except maybe yourself.

Emmett Honeycutt: The worst part is not that he's unfaithful, or even a slut. I mean, nobody's perfect. It's that he said he loved me. I mean, he lied to me!
Brian: How could he lie to you? He doesn't speak English!
Michael: Look, I'm the one who told you that. I'm sorry.
Emmett Honeycutt: My own fault. Why do I always give my heart away to trash, huh?
Brian: Because you want to see it in the dumpster?

Arnold: Does anybody got any, uh, smelling salts?
Michael: How about poppers?


"Queer as Folk: Ted's Not Dead (#1.4)" (2000)
Michael Novotny: Marley, are you free tonight?
Marley: Do you know how long I've been waiting for a man to ask me that?
Michael Novotny: I need somebody to stay late and help me with inventory.
Marley: Oh, sorry. I've got church choir practice.
Michael Novotny: That's a new excuse.
Marley: How many times can my great grandmother be on a death bed?

Brian Kinney: If I don't get this account, I'll be fucked. And without lube.
Emmett Honeycutt: And that's a bad thing?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's amazing how you always work anal intercourse into the conversation.
Brian Kinney: Hey, you try spending an evening with some back-slapping breeder from out of town, smoking cigars, and talking about pussy.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'd love to hear what you have to say about pussy.
Brian Kinney: That is a good thing you got one, because you wouldn't know what to do with a dick.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Move over. So you boys in the mood for something sweet, or are you gonna pick up a little something at Woody's?
[pinches Michael's cheeks]
Michael Novotny: Ma, stop pinching my cheeks.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Oh, bend over so I can pinch the other ones.

Emmett Honeycutt: [referring to himself, Brian, and Michael] Looks like it's ah... it's just us, the three musketeers.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: More like the Pointer Sisters.
Michael Novotny: I can't go either.
Brian Kinney: What's your excuse?
Michael Novotny: I have to go back to the store. We're restocking.
Emmett Honeycutt: Poor baby. Spend the entire evening alone in that dreary crap emporium?
Michael Novotny: Tracy will be there.
Brian Kinney: Your bride-to-be?
Michael Novotny: She's not my bride-to-be.
Brian Kinney: Then you can tell her who you really are.
Emmett Honeycutt: I agree. I always say,: "come clean, or don't come at all".
Michael Novotny: I can't. Where I work, they laugh at faggots.
Brian Kinney: And the only faggots worth laughing at are the ones who don't tell the truth. Don't be one of those assholes who hides, Mikey. And stop leading her on.
Michael Novotny: Who's leading her on? We're counting cartons of toilet paper.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, which you can use because you're so full of shit.
Emmett Honeycutt: Don't touch me.

Michael Novotny: Okay, we've done toilet paper, paper towels, paper napkins, paper plates...
[looking for Tracy]
Michael Novotny: Tracy? Trace?
Tracy: I'm here.
Michael Novotny: Where?
Tracy: In feminine hygiene. I'm checking panty liners, light days and heavy days.
Michael Novotny: So how're we doing?
Tracy: We're heavy on light days and light on heavy days.
Michael Novotny: Gotcha. Let's move on.
Tracy: It's always work with you. Don't you ever have fun?
Michael Novotny: Yeah, I have fun. I have lots of fun.
Tracy: Really? Because you never want to go out with us after work.
Michael Novotny: I've gone out with you guys.
Tracy: Once. Marley says, no one knows what you're really like. That you probably lead this double life.
Michael Novotny: She's right. I'm not who I appear to be. But you have to promise not to tell anyone. The truth is, when I was a boy, I was exposed to a laser light show at a KISS concert. And after that, I developed a strange power to see into people's minds... To read their most private thoughts. "I'm going to rob a bank! I'm going to blow up a bridge!". Since then, I set out to prevent crimes before they happen and my real name... is 'Laserman'.
Tracy: So Laserman, what am I thinking?
Michael Novotny: Umm... We should probably get back to work.
[falls off the ladder]
Tracy: Mike?

Michael Novotny: [moaning in agony] God, I am still stiff.
Tracy: Stiffer than last night?
Marley: Now, you two, let's keep it clean.
Michael Novotny: We're talking about my neck!
Marley: You must have been doing more than inventory.
Tracy: Shut up, Marley! Can't you see he's in pain?
Michael Novotny: This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
Tracy: Did you take something?
Michael Novotny: Yeah, like, two bottles of Tylenol!
Tracy: That won't help. You need a chiropractor.
Michael Novotny: No. I'm okay, really.

Dr. David Cameron: Can you lie down on your back?
Michael Novotny: Mmm... Sure. On my back. This is my favorite position. I'm just kidding.

Michael Novotny: That's sexual harassment.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, remind me to press charges.
Michael Novotny: What does he look like?
Brian Kinney: Like the kind of guy, if he wagged his dick in front of you, you wouldn't look twice. But if he dangled his account in front of you, you might consider it.
Michael Novotny: You're kidding? You wouldn't actually do...? Would you?
Brian Kinney: Well, considering some of the other things I've done.
Michael Novotny: Yeah, but that was for fun. You've never done anything like this.
Brian Kinney: You're so beautifully naive, Mikey. It's business. You fuck or you get fucked.
Michael Novotny: Yeah, only which end are you on?

Dr. David Cameron: [referring to Tracy] She's cute.
Michael Novotny: Yeah. What a coincidence running into you here.
Dr. David Cameron: Well, that's not really coincidence. You told me where you worked, remember?
Michael Novotny: Oh, yeah, right. Well, that's really nice, coming all this way just to see how I am.
Dr. David Cameron: Nothing is more important than my patients' health and well-being. I also wanted to get a new screwdriver.
Michael Novotny: Oh. Well, let me show you where the hardware department. We have a complete line of tools, all at everyday low prices.
Dr. David Cameron: And I wanted to, ah... ask you if you'd like to have dinner with me.
Michael Novotny: Huh?
Dr. David Cameron: Dinner. You know, where you sit at the table and eat food from a plate?

Michael Novotny: [after David asks him out] How did you...?
Dr. David Cameron: Remember that little problem you had in my table?
Michael Novotny: Yeah, but you said that even happens to football players.
Dr. David Cameron: Only the gay ones.

Emmett Honeycutt: [talking about David] ...It's every mother's dream.
Michael Novotny: Just be sure not to tell mine. I don't need her to know every time I go out.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Every time you go out is once a year.
Michael Novotny: Thanks for keeping count.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Accounting is my life.
Emmett Honeycutt: So, what's he like?
Michael Novotny: Old.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What's old?
Michael Novotny: Older than you? Probably... forty?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: That is old.
Emmett Honeycutt: On the other hand, they don't come as quick, and they have lots of money. So where's he taking you?
Michael Novotny: Some place called Pappagano.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I hope he's paying.
Michael Novotny: Is it expensive?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: A medium-priced entrée is more than your tax return.
Michael Novotny: Shit.

Michael Novotny: [Brian opens the door, and finds Michael standing there. Michael enters the loft, and Brian's eyes focus on his outfit all the way in.] Oh shut up!
Brian Kinney: Who did this thing to you? Ah, let me guess. Emmett Bellarenta?
Michael Novotny: Should've just worn my jeans, but he said,
[imitating Emmett's tone]
Michael Novotny: "No, you can't go out in a date like that".
Brian Kinney: You've got a date?
Michael Novotny: Yeah.
Brian Kinney: A date?
[hugging Michael]
Brian Kinney: Mikey's got a date!
Michael Novotny: I'm gonna call and cancel.
Brian Kinney: The fuck you are!
Michael Novotny: Well, I can't go like this!
Brian Kinney: You're right.
[walks to get his shopping bag]
Brian Kinney: Here, try this.
Michael Novotny: [looking at the shirt Brian just threw at him] Are you sure?
Brian Kinney: I've got dozens of them.
Michael Novotny: It's weird going on a date.
Brian Kinney: Make sure he opens the car door for you and pulls your chair out.
Michael Novotny: That's what I mean. It's so... hetero. You ever been on a real date?
Brian Kinney: ... Once. I ended up fucking the waiter.
Michael Novotny: I don't know what to do or say.
Brian Kinney: Just be yourself.
Michael Novotny: That should make the evening fly by! Why can't we just... fast-forward to the sex?
Brian Kinney: The point of a date, so it's been explained to me by those who do that sort of thing, is that you actually get to know the other person before you fuck them.
Michael Novotny: What a dumb idea! What if you don't like them?
Brian Kinney: Worse yet: what if you do?

Brian Kinney: [Brian and Michael are standing in front of the mirror, looking at the leather jacket on Michael's body.] So what do you think?
Michael Novotny: I think I look like you.
Brian Kinney: You look fantastic. You are fantastic.
[giving Michael a kiss]
Brian Kinney: Remember that, Mikey.

Dr. David Cameron: Is that Hugo Boss?
Michael Novotny: [turning to see his back] Where?
Dr. David Cameron: [pointing at Michael] Your jacket.
Michael Novotny: Oh, umm, yeah.
[referring to the jacket]
Michael Novotny: It's not even mine. It belongs to my friend Brian.
Dr. David Cameron: I bet he doesn't look half as good in it as you.
Michael Novotny: He looks better.
Dr. David Cameron: I find that hard to believe.
Michael Novotny: He can look good in anything. He even looks good in nothing.
Dr. David Cameron: Good body?
Michael Novotny: Awesome. When he walks into Babylon, heads turn like police lights just to look at him.
Dr. David Cameron: Sounds like I could make a fortune doing neck adjustments.

Michael Novotny: [referring to his date] It was a complete waste of time! Paid for dinner, he didn't even want to fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt: Maybe he has a prostate problem. Or only one testicle.
Michael Novotny: Or maybe he doesn't like me.


"Queer as Folk: No Bris, No Shirt, No Service (#1.3)" (2000)
[first lines]
Michael Novotny: In case you weren't there, I gotta tell you last Saturday night at Babylon was to die for.

Michael Novotny: You went home with...
Emmett Honeycutt: An undertaker. Uh-hmm.
Brian Kinney: I fucked an undertaker once.
Michael Novotny: You did? When?
Brian Kinney: He told me sometimes they sew the mouths shut.
[raising his eyebrow]

Brian Kinney: [about Ted, who is in a coma] You know, he is a first. The first almost dead guy I sort of had sex with.
Michael Novotny: You had sex with Ted?
Emmett Honeycutt: You never had sex with Ted!
Michael Novotny: When did you have sex with...?
Brian Kinney: Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.
Michael Novotny: Semi? When?
Brian Kinney: You know that weekend that John-John's plane went down?
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, God. They kept showing him on the beach with his shirt off. I didn't know whether to jerk off or weep.

Michael Novotny: [about Ted, who is in a coma] He's in there! His life's like this... A dot on a screen. It could be us!
Brian Kinney: No, it could not be us! Because we know better. We know not to believe pretty little blonde boys who tell you that "it's really good shit", because that's what they all say. Ted didn't know that. And he didn't know that you only do drugs with your friends because they're the only ones that give a fuck about you.
[putting his arms on Michael's and Emmett's shoulders]

Emmett Honeycutt: [Emmett, Michael and Brian are in the steam bath, where a guy with a great ass passes in front of them.] Why I can't get my glutes to look like that?
Michael Novotny: Maybe you're not properly visualized in the muscle group.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, I'm visualizing it alright. On my face.
Brian Kinney: [about being Ted's power of attorney] Why me? Why not his mother? Why not you?
Emmett Honeycutt: Because I can't decide what to wear in the morning. Who in their right mind would give me power of life and death?
Michael Novotny: I couldn't do it, either.
Brian Kinney: I don't even like Ted.
Michael Novotny: Oh, come on! You do so!
Brian Kinney: Not enough to be responsible for his fucking life.
Emmett Honeycutt: Well he must have wanted you for a reason.
Michael Novotny: Maybe he's secretly in love with you.
Brian Kinney: "I love you, I'm comatose: kill me".

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: People wake up from comas sweetheart.
Michael Novotny: Yeah, sure.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Your uncle Vic: how long was he in his?
Michael Novotny: Nine days?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Ten. And I thought I'd lost him. I couldn't tell your grandmother it was A.I.D.S. at the time, because she couldn't have dealt with it. I wanted to hear all about the white light and the... the tunnel, and, and... and did Aunt Theresa get to heaven... First words out of his mouth: "Did I miss the Golden Globes?".
[laughs]

Emmett Honeycutt: [Emmett's handphone rings, and he answers it.] Torso.
Michael Novotny: [On the phone] It's me.
Emmett Honeycutt: [On the phone] Oh, my God. Is he dead?
Michael Novotny: [On the phone] No, but he's gonna wish he was when he finds out his Mom's going to his condo tonight for pajamas.
Emmett Honeycutt: [On the phone] Oh, shit! What if she finds his porn?
Michael Novotny: [On the phone] And his magazines. And remember his thirty-third birthday last year?
Emmett Honeycutt: [On the phone]
[laughing]
Emmett Honeycutt: When we gave him those thirty-three dildos, that was hilarious.
Michael Novotny: [On the phone] Well, it's not so funny anymore. We've gotta go there and find all thirty-three.
Emmett Honeycutt: [On the phone] Wait.
Michael Novotny: [On the phone] What?
Emmett Honeycutt: [On the phone] What if he's given some as hostess gifts?

Emmett Honeycutt: [Emmett and Michael are at Ted's home. Emmett moves the light on the table to another position.] That's better. I'm always telling him not everything in life needs to be centered.
Michael Novotny: We can redecorate later. His mother's coming!
[opening the fridge, throwing things out at Emmett]
Michael Novotny: Poppers, cheddar, Brie...
Emmett Honeycutt: I don't think there are particular strong shame issues attached to cheese, Michael.
Michael Novotny: Fine, whatever. You check out the bedroom. I'll work out here.
Emmett Honeycutt: Okay.
Michael Novotny: Falcon...Falcon... "You've Got Mail"? He masturbates to Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?

Michael Novotny: So what do you think it means?
Emmett Honeycutt: I think it means he likes you.
Michael Novotny: I think it means he loves me.
Emmett Honeycutt: Kind of flattering, in a way. He collects you the way you collect comics.
Michael Novotny: It's just that... All this time, I... I never knew.
Emmett Honeycutt: [softly] There's a lot of things we don't know about each other. Like, did you know..., I used to walk down the street in Hazlehurst, Mississippi, and the postman would spit at me?
Michael Novotny: I don't know where my father was born... Or even who he is.
Emmett Honeycutt: I sat with my dead grandma for an hour, and held her hand before I told anyone she was dead.
[Michael reaches over to hold Emmett's hand.]
Emmett Honeycutt: How come we never tell each other these things, huh?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: I've always said it isn't who you love; it's how you love. Genitalia is simply God's way of accessorizing.
Michael Novotny: [to Debbie] This is not about you and the Gay Mother of the Year award. This is about Brian's one-night stand.
Justin Taylor: Not just one.
Michael Novotny: Don't bet on it. And who here even cares?
Vic Grassi: I do.
Justin Taylor: My dad threatened to disown me. He called me a big queer.
Vic Grassi: He didn't hit you, did he?
Michael Novotny: Oh, come on, Uncle Vic. You're not gonna listen to this shit?
Justin Taylor: That's why I have to see Brian. He'll let me stay with him.
Michael Novotny: I don't think so.
Justin Taylor: Well, then... I'll go to New York. I'll become a hustler, and I'll sell my body to gross old homos.
Vic Grassi: I'll give you twenty bucks.
[Debbie hits Vic on his head.]
Vic Grassi: Save him the train fare!
Justin Taylor: I'm gonna throw up. I gotta vomit.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Upstairs' bathroom. The one for guests and drama queens.
[Justin runs upstairs, while Vic and Michael laugh.]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's not a joke, you know. Gay teens have a very high suicide rate.
Michael Novotny: Unfortunately, not this one.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: I'm calling his mother.
Michael Novotny: It's not our business.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: He may be telling the truth. And even if he isn't, she's gonna be worried.
Vic Grassi: She's not worried. Now she knows: It's not drugs. It's not booze. He didn't buy an automatic weapon to take down to the Spanish club... It's just cock!

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: I'm calling your mother. I'm taking you home.
Justin Taylor: I'm not going.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: You get my tits in a knot, sunshine, and you're gonna be in deep shit! Excuse me.
Vic Grassi: [Debbie walks away from the dining table. Justin sits down across from Vic.] What are you studying in school?
Justin Taylor: Huh?
Vic Grassi: It's called conversation.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Ready?
Michael Novotny: I need to talk to Brian. I'll be there in a second.
[the others leave]
Michael Novotny: Do you have anything to say?
Brian Kinney: ... No.
Michael Novotny: Well, I do. You can fuck him at your place, you can fuck him in his gym class, you can fuck him at the zoo, but you cannot fuck him in my mother's house. In my room!
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: We're waiting.
Michael Novotny: Okay, I'm gonna go do this little job, then I'm gonna go see Ted at the hospital. You do whatever the fuck you want!

Michael Novotny: Okay, just so you don't freak out... Your dildos are missing. And your porn. We had to move it all... in case your Mom found it.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Well, I expect all thirty-three back.
[to Emmett and Brian]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Cleaned.
Emmett Honeycutt: You should eat something, honey.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'm not hungry.
Michael Novotny: We bought you a whole fucking chicken!
Brian Kinney: And you're gonna eat it.
Emmett Honeycutt: [to Brian] Oh, my God. Look at this. Who keeps lube in their front kitchen cabinet?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: It always looks so much smaller.
Michael Novotny: What does?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Your life. Especially after returning from a near-death experience.
Michael Novotny: Like watching the Oscars.
[lowering his voice]
Michael Novotny: Immediately proceeded by...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt, Michael Novotny: "The Barbara Walter's Special!".
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'm glad you're here.
Michael Novotny: You are? Well, ah... I... uhm...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What?
Michael Novotny: I'm... ah... I'm glad you're here too.
[Ted smiles.]
Michael Novotny: And if you ever wanna talk about this..., or other stuff...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Other stuff?
Michael Novotny: You know, if there's some... You know, something you can't talk about.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Like what?
Michael Novotny: I don't know. You know, maybe if you talk about it, it might help it? But, you, ah, you might not get what you want. But... Oh, shit!
Brian Kinney: [interrupting the conversation] Are you going to come eat the chicken?
Michael Novotny: ... I'm gonna arrange the daisies.

[last lines]
Brian Kinney: I want it to be you.
Michael Novotny: What?
Brian Kinney: I want it to be you! I'll put it in writing.
Michael Novotny: I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug.
Brian Kinney: And you pull mine.


"Queer as Folk: The Art of Desperation (#1.6)" (2001)
Michael Novotny: [voice-over narration] Everybody's always wishing they had a boyfriend. We all picture how he'd look, how he'd sound, how nice it'd be to have someone to share your life, your dreams, your dental floss...
Dr. David Cameron: [referring to the trick who's cruising them] Little disconcerting when you're trying to eat.
Michael Novotny: [voice-over narration] ...so how come so few of us have one? That's because we're lying. Most of us couldn't commit to a house plant, how are we supposed to commit to having a boyfriend?
[to David]
Michael Novotny: You should see what it's like when Brian comes here. I'm so sorry, I promised I would not mention his name for ten minutes.
Dr. David Cameron: I'd settle for five.
[Michael smiles]
Dr. David Cameron: And you've gotta stop smiling like that.
Michael Novotny: [smiles] Like what?
Dr. David Cameron: Like that. It makes me want to come across the table and eat you like a dessert.
Michael Novotny: Would you like some whip cream with that, Sir?

Michael Novotny: Ma, this is David. And I... I thought tonight was your night off.
Dr. David Cameron: I, ah... Loraine got food poisoning.
[pointing to the plate]
Dr. David Cameron: I think it was the shish kebab.
[David immediately drops the shish kebab that he was about to eat, terrified.]
Dr. David Cameron: [laughing] Just kidding! Okay, I gotta get cranking. I got a lot of hungry boys to feed.

Emmett Honeycutt: I say if it walks like a boyfriend...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...and talks like a boyfriend...
Emmett Honeycutt, Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Then it must be a boyfriend!
Brian Kinney: Would you two please shut the fuck up? I think it's great that Mikey's got a steady.
Michael Novotny: He's not a steady! We went out twice!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Around here, that's a long-term relationship.
Emmett Honeycutt: The next thing you know, you'll be exchanging rings...
Brian Kinney: Hmmm... And then there'll be one of those commitment ceremonies; where like, all two hundred of the guests have slept with one, if not the both of the happy couple.
Emmett Honeycutt: Just, ehm, promise me you won't wear matching white suits.
Michael Novotny: There is no way that is ever going to happen.
Emmett Honeycutt: Well, then I suggest you, watch out for the warning signs.
Michael Novotny: What warning signs?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Like when he brings you flowers...
Emmett Honeycutt: ...or, or invites you away for a romantic weekend to the country.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Not that you'll see much beside the bedroom ceiling.
[Emmett laughs]
Brian Kinney: Your shot, Mikey.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, or the most tell-tell sign of all: When he meets your mother, and ah... she invites him over for dinner.
[Michael hits the cue ball right off the pool table.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Something the matter?
Michael Novotny: I lost my grip.

Emmett Honeycutt: [someone's knocking on the door.] Woo... That must be prince charming.
[Emmett runs to the door, opens it, and finds Brian standing there.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Make that the Wicked Witch.
Michael Novotny: What are you doing here?
Brian Kinney: I'm hungry; let's go get something to eat.
Michael Novotny: I'm going to my Mom's, remember?
Brian Kinney: Oh, right, din-din with Doc. I forgot.
Michael Novotny: He's gonna be here any minute, so you better go.
Brian Kinney: [opens a box] What's this?
Michael Novotny: Chocolate Éclairs from the Big Q bakery. I bought them for dess...
Emmett Honeycutt: [Brian puts the whole bun into his mouth, in one single mouthful.] Wow, it takes years of practice, develop technique like that.
Michael Novotny: [comes over to Brian, taking over the box] Look, I know you don't like him...
Brian Kinney: Who said I don't like him? And why do you give a fuck what I think?
Emmett Honeycutt: I've been saying that for years.
Brian Kinney: What matters is what you think. If you like him, that's all that's important.
[looking at Emmett]
Brian Kinney: Even though he is... quite a bit older than you, and lives in a world you know nothing about.
Emmett Honeycutt: Shut-up!
Michael Novotny: Are you saying he's too good for me?
Brian Kinney: Nobody's too good for you, Mikey. You're better than anyone.
Michael Novotny: Because he happens to think I'm hot. You know, some people do!
Brian Kinney: Haven't I always told you that?
[kisses Michael on the lips]

Michael Novotny: [David approaches Michael with a bouquet of flowers.] Hi.
[David kisses Michael on the lips. Michael is looking at the flowers]
Michael Novotny: These are great. My Mom will love these.
Dr. David Cameron: [laughs] Hers are in the car; those are for you.
Emmett Honeycutt: [comes over to get the flowers, whispering] The second sign: flowers.
[to David]
Emmett Honeycutt: I'll just put these in some water.
Dr. David Cameron: [puzzled] Everything alright?
Brian Kinney: He's allergic to boyfriends bringing bouquets.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [David is having dinner at Michael's Mom's place] Have some more carbonara, David.
Dr. David Cameron: Hmmm... I'm stuffed. Thanks.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Oh, come on. With that body, you can afford to carbo load.
Vic Grassi: Yeah, you must work out all the time.
Dr. David Cameron: Well, when I can.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Feel those biceps.
[reaching over to touch David's arm]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: I could never resist a hard body.
[laughing]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Like mother, like son.
Vic Grassi: Like uncle.
Michael Novotny: Like, will you two please leave him alone? Next you'll be asking what kind of car he drives and how much he makes.
[David laughs. Debbie and Vic look at him, staring with anticipation.]
Dr. David Cameron: I drive a Jag, and I'm comfortable.
Vic Grassi: Michael, if you don't marry this man immediately, I will!
Dr. David Cameron: I think I will have a little more.
Michael Novotny: Me too.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Just like "Lady And The Tramp".
Dr. David Cameron: "Lady And The Tramp"?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's Michael's favorite movie.
Michael Novotny: When I was nine!
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: You see Lady and Tramp go on this date to an Italian restaurant. And then the waiter...
Vic Grassi: Tony.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: What else would his name be?
[laughs]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: ...brings over this big bowl of spaghetti and meat balls. And... ehm, and they put their heads in the bowl... They're... they're dogs.
[David laughs.]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: And they come up with this one single strand of spaghetti. And then they chew, and they chew and...
Vic Grassi: ...and they get closer, and closer...
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: ...until finally their lips meet.
Michael Novotny: [to David] It is, in my estimation, the greatest screen kiss ever.

Dr. David Cameron: [David and Michael are making out in Michael's old room.] I got a solution. I got a solution. How would you like to go away with me for the weekend?
Michael Novotny: Huh?
Dr. David Cameron: I got a cabin up in the woods.
Michael Novotny: Will we get to see anything besides the bedroom ceiling?
Dr. David Cameron: [laughing] Word of honor. What do you say?
[Michael looks into David's eyes blankly, doesn't know what to say.]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [shouting] Say "yes", you little asshole, or I'll disown you!
[David laughs again.]
Michael Novotny: Like I said, it's a very small house.

Brian Kinney: [talking on the phone] Six Fuller Court, corner of Tremont. Should take you... ten minutes? One for every inch!
[he hangs up; there're knocking sounds on Brian's door - he opens it, and sees Michael standing there, smiling.]
Brian Kinney: You got laid.
Michael Novotny: I did not.
Brian Kinney: Yes, you did. I can always tell. I thought you and Dave were having dinner at Deb's.
Michael Novotny: Dinner's over.
Brian Kinney: What? Did she scare him off?
Michael Novotny: Actually, she and Vic were in their best behavior.
Brian Kinney: That's even scarier. Listen, you can't stay. I've got someone coming over in approximate seven and a half inches. So... see you tomorrow at "Studs and Suds"?

Michael Novotny: [talking on the phone] It's my neck again. I can barely move it.
Emmett Honeycutt: [referring to Michael's clothes] Do you want the periwinkle, or the apricot?
Michael Novotny: [whispering to Emmett] Shhh!
Emmett Honeycutt: [also whispering] I think the apricot goes better with your eyes.
Michael Novotny: [gets back to the phone, pretending to be in agony] Ah... yeah, I... I think it'll be better in a couple of days. Oh, don't worry. I definitely plan on seeing my chiropractor. Thanks. Thanks. Bye.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You know what grows when you lie.
Emmett Honeycutt: Too bad it's your nose.
Michael Novotny: I'm entitled to a couple of personal days.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Michael, you're entitled to a personal life!
Emmett Honeycutt: Alright, have you got everything?
Michael Novotny: Ah... Five pairs of jeans, seven shirts, four sweaters, and ten tees.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: How long are you going for?
Michael Novotny: The weekend.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Alright.
[walks over to Michael, taking things out from the bag]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: One change of undies, a pack of condoms, a tube of lube. There. You're all set.

Michael Novotny: Remember when my Mom took me to Atlantic City, I got sick on all that saltwater taffy?
Emmett Honeycutt: Listen to him. He's got cold feet already.
Michael Novotny: I'm not getting cold feet! I just... don't know what to do for a whole weekend.
Emmett Honeycutt: Well, let's see. First you arrive...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Then you fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt: Then you unpack...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Then you fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt: Then you go berry picking.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Then you fuck.
Michael Novotny: I mean after you fuck
Emmett Honeycutt: You talk. You get to know each other.
Michael Novotny: What if I run out of things to say? What if I... say some stupid remark and he says, "Why am I up here with this jerk?". And what if...
Emmett Honeycutt: Hey! Hey! Would you please stop worrying?
Michael Novotny: I just want him to like me.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: He already does.
[pausing]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: He more than likes you.
Emmett Honeycutt: So you go, and you have a fabulous time. And... Bring us back some berries.
[Emmett puts his hand on Ted's shoulder. Michael smiles, and then Emmett starts groping Ted.]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: That's... not my berries.


"Queer as Folk: Now Approaching... The Line (#1.5)" (2001)
Michael: [looking at the drawing of Brian] I think the artist has taken some liberties.
Brian: Well, it's a perfect likeness.
Michael: Come on, it was never that big.
Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.
Michael: I haven't seen "Gone With The Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and half hours.

[first lines]
Michael: [narrating voice over] Okay, so I'm a gay man with a superhero fetish. Yes, we're out there. And, no, it doesn't have anything to do with immaturity. I think we gay boys learn important lessons from comic books. One, there are a lot of villains out there, so you better develop some secret powers. Two, if you have a good body, you can wear tight clothes. And, three, it's always good to be part of a dynamic duo.

Michael: I totally blew it.
Brian: Don't worry, there's still plenty of creepy, old man out there who'd love to get in your pants.
Michael: He wasn't that old. He wasn't creepy; he was nice. First doctor...
Brian: Chiropractor.
Michael: That counts. I think.
[they are interrupted by the owner of the comic bookstore.]
Comic Store Worker: Ah... We got in the new "Catwoman".
Michael: Cool!
[the guy walks away after showing Michael the comic book.]
Michael: He takes me this really nice restaurant, I behave like a fucking idiot, dressed up like some slick asshole.
Brian: Hey! That was my twelve hundred dollar leather jacket.
Michael: It wasn't me. You know why, Because I'm nobody. That's my problem.
[Brian is checking out the owner of the shop.]
Michael: Are you even listening to me?
Brian: I tune out self-pity, it makes my dick soft. And we wouldn't want that, would we?
Michael: Just forget I said anything. Oh, wow! Look, it's the new Eletra Woman doll. I'm gonna buy this for Gus.
Brian: Don't. I don't want a gay kid.
Michael: He's being raised by two lesbians. He's going to need a feminine influence. Besides, it'll be a collector's item.

Dr. David Cameron: [Michael is waiting for David in his office, when he walks in.] I didn't realize we'd scheduled a follow-up visit.
Michael: We didn't. I told them it was an emergency.
Dr. David Cameron: What's the problem?
Michael: I'm a jerk. Can you adjust that?
Dr. David Cameron: Provided it's not a permanent condition.
Michael: See, the thing is, I don't date very often. You know, real, eat-a-meal, talk, stare-into-each-other's-eyes kinda date. So I... I kind of freaked. And I'm sorry, I was such an asshole.
Dr. David Cameron: You weren't an asshole.
Michael: Believe me, I've seen assholes, and...
[realizing the pun]
Michael: I mean..., ah..., I feel shitty about it..., and I really like you. And I think you might actually have liked me.
Dr. David Cameron: I do like you.
Michael: You do? Well, do you think we could start over?
Dr. David Cameron: Sit down. You're adorable, you know that?

Dr. David Cameron: I've never seen so many comic books.
Michael: That's what everybody I bring home says. I mean, people have told me that.
Dr. David Cameron: Uh-hmm. Who's the big fella?
Michael: Captain Astro. Uhm, my friend Emmett, he's staying with me. It was supposed to be a temporary thing but he's become sort of a squatter, may come home at any time, so sorry about that.
Dr. David Cameron: You don't have to apologize for everything.
Michael: I know, I do that. I'm sorry.

Emmett Honeycutt: [Emmett meets David for the first time.] Oh my God. That guy over there looks exactly like Matthew McConaughey. Maybe he smokes pot, naked.
[to David]
Emmett Honeycutt: Excuse me!
Dr. David Cameron: [laughs] He doesn't hold anything back.
Michael: He was toning it down for you.
Brian: [sits on Michael's lap] Where the fuck have you been?
Michael: Brian, this is David.
Brian: Oh, fuck me, the new beau!
Dr. David Cameron: I've heard a lot about you.
Brian: I've heard a lot about you too. Sixteen right, eleven left?
Dr. David Cameron: Excuse me?
Michael: Nothing.
[to Brian]
Michael: You're tweaked, what are you on?
Brian: Oh, E, K, G.H.B. Most of the letters on "Sesame Street".
Michael: You'll get dehydrated, taking all that shit. I'm gonna get you some water.
[to David]
Michael: You want a beer?
Dr. David Cameron: Sure.
[Michael leaves]
Dr. David Cameron: You've got him well trained.
Brian: Well, he takes care of me, and I take care of him. So, Doc, do you fuck all of your patients?
Dr. David Cameron: Well, if you're referring to Michael I released him from my care, before we went out together. What about you? What do you do?
Brian: Advertising.
Dr. David Cameron: Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself.
Brian: Yeah, I could do it in my sleep.
Dr. David Cameron: I bet you could.

Michael: Lindsay, this is David.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Nice to meet you!
Dr. David Cameron: Nice to meet you!
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [carrying Gus, greeting from afar] Whoa, Michael!
Michael: [freezes] Let's go check out the vagina sculptures first, get it over with.

Brian: Aren't I always looking out for you?
Michael: You're just jealous because somebody finally thinks I'm hot or something.
Brian: You are hot or something. I've been telling you that since you were fourteen, but you won't believe me.
[and then Brian kisses Michael on the lips.]

Brian: [to Justin and Daphne] Oh, look, it's the cast of "Zoom".
Daphne Chanders: We're celebrating. Justin sold some of his art today.
Justin Taylor: The one of you... naked.
Michael: Who'd buy that?
Emmett Honeycutt: Probably some desperate queen who's always pined for you.
Brian: Oh, Ted, how thoughtful.

[last lines]
Dr. David Cameron: Who are you thinking about?
Michael: What?
Dr. David Cameron: When you close your eyes, who are you thinking about?


"Queer as Folk: Queens of the Road (#1.10)" (2001)
Ted: ...Listen, I know there's a part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved...
Michael: What are you talking about?
Ted: Le-let me finish... so we fall in love with someone we know we can't have and who's never gonna love us. And we fantasize about the day when all of the sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing, and all our dreams come true. Only, you know, that day never comes and before you know it, it's your 40th birthday, it's your 50th birthday and... and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you Michael. Love someone for real. Someone who loves you.

Debbie Novotny: [after Michael has broken up with his chiropractor boyfriend] I just lost a potential son-in-law.
Michael: All you lost was free treatment for osteoporosis.

Michael: [to Debbie] Mom, David and I have nothing in common... except Pantene shampoo and conditioner in one.

Dr. David Cameron: [answering the phone] Hello...? Hello...? Michael, I have caller I.D.
Michael: I must have pushed the wrong button.

Michael: [at his surprise party] Who are all these people?
Brian Kinney: Well, if I invited just your friends, there'd be like six people here. I had to open it up to sex partners.
Michael: I haven't slept with any of these people.
Brian Kinney: My sex partners.

Brian Kinney: Don't go yet, Mikey. You haven't even had your cake.
Michael: Fuck off.

Michael: [Talking about Justin] What is he doin' here?
Debbie Novotny: Isn't he adorable? The customers love him. His ass gets more compliments than the burgers.
Ted: At least his buns are fresh.

Debbie Novotny: Michael Charles Novotny!
Vic Grassi: Oh, oh! Middle name! Look out!
Debbie Novotny: Do listen to me and listen carefully! Do not f*ck this up. Now, I want you to call David right now, and apologize for whatever it is that you did.
Michael: What makes you think I did anything!
Debbie Novotny: I'm your mother!


"Queer as Folk: Babylon Boomerang (#1.8)" (2001)
Michael: [to Javier] That's where I know you from... From the White party... You gave me crabs!

Michael: I saw "X Men" eight times.

[last lines]
Michael: Look, I wanted to talk to you about...
Dr. David Cameron: I wanna...
Michael: You... You first.
Dr. David Cameron: Go, go.
Michael: Look, I know I disappointed you.
Dr. David Cameron: No, I let you down.
Michael: I'm an idiot and I...
Dr. David Cameron: I'm a jerk. I was insensitive. I should've been more sensitive.
Michael: I don't really fit in with your friends. I don't know if I ever will.
Dr. David Cameron: When two live in two separate places...
Michael: We're from two totally different worlds.
Dr. David Cameron: There's only one thing that we should do.
Michael: I know, I agree.
Dr. David Cameron: There's no other choice.
Michael: So, this is it. It's over.
Dr. David Cameron: Over? What's over? I want you to move in with me.

Michael: What is this, adopt-a-trick?

Michael: David's throwing a diner party, us and two other couples, one of them are straight.
Brian Kinney: He eats with straight people?
Ted Schmidt: Ick. You never know where their hands have been.


"Queer as Folk: Tweaked-Out, Fucked-Out Crystal Queen (#3.13)" (2003)
Michael: We'll if it isn't little Mary Sunshine.
Emmett: Little Mary Sunshine died! I'm a little Mary Go-FUCK-Yourself!

[after they found out that Hunter fucked a cop they suspect of murder]
Michael: This guy could've killed you.
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: They all could.
Michael: Well, if you know that Then why do you do it?
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: I have low self-esteem. I was sexualized at too early an age. It's exciting, fun and a great way to make non-reportable income.
Michael: I would like an honest answer, smart-Ass.
Brian Kinney: He just gave you one.

Michael: Still searching for that exquisite turn of phrase that in five words or less expresses the essence of what your character's feeling?
Professor Ben Bruckner: I'm frustrated as shit.
Michael: Only four, congratulations.

[Michael, Ben and Hunter just spoke to a high-school principal about Hunter returning to school]
Professor Ben Bruckner: At least now we finally get to know all about you.
Michael: Name?
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: Hunter.
Michael: Hunter what?
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: Just hunter.
Michael: You think you're an aging rock diva?
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: Last names tend to get in the way of my work.
Professor Ben Bruckner: Wait, from now on, the only work you're doing is homework. Out with it.
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: James Hunter Montgomery.
Michael: Nice to meet you, jimmy.
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: Shut up.
Professor Ben Bruckner: When were you born?
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: I wasn't born. My mother was too drunk to give birth, So i was delivered, 16 glorious years ago last tuesday.
Michael: Last tuesday? You had a birthday last week and you didn't tell us?
Professor Ben Bruckner: We could've done something to celebrate.
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: Like blow out a candle? I blew three tricks that day. Made 150 bucks. That's what I call celebrating.


"Queer as Folk: Smells Like Codependence (#1.7)" (2001)
[first lines]
Michael Novotny: Style color, not color style.

Michael Novotny: [the group is discussing Brian's accident.] You don't want any more weirdoes ramming into you.
Emmett Honeycutt: Never heard him complain about that before.

Justin Taylor: It's not his fault. I'm not a child. I'm turning eighteen soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.
Emmett Honeycutt: Hopefully, not on the same day.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Maybe so. But as far as your parents are concerned, you're still their sweet, innocent, little boy. They're not ready to think of you sucking cock and taking it up the ass.
Michael Novotny: Ma, do you have to be so graphic?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Michael, I'm making a point. Would you please note interrupt when I'm talking. So, what was I talking about?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Something about...
Michael Novotny: Sucking cock...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And taking it up the ass.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Right.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Hi, honey. What are you doing here?
Michael Novotny: Uncle Vic asked me to bring some rope to tie you down.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Kinky.


"Queer as Folk: Big Fucking Mouth (#3.9)" (2003)
Justin: You were right. Brian showed me he loved me. Every day. Even though he never said it. Even though he never will. I just didn't want to hear it.
Michael: Well it's always nice to be right.

Emmett Honeycutt: Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?
Professor Ben Bruckner: Yes, you are seeing it. The most historic reunification since Germany.
Emmett Honeycutt: What happened to the fiddler?
Michael: He fell off the roof.


"Queer as Folk: ...Wherever That Dream May Lead You (#2.5)" (2002)
Michael Novotny: Think I'd look good with a new haircut? I think I would, do you?
Brian Kinney: What did have you in mind?
Michael Novotny: I don't know. Maybe buzz it all off or bleach it.
Brian Kinney: That'd be cool... for two years ago. So, what's wrong?
Michael Novotny: Nothings wrong. Why you think somethin' is wrong?
Brian Kinney: Because every time when somethings wrong you wanna change you're hair.
Michael Novotny: That is so not true!
[Deb comes up with the coffee]
Brian Kinney: [to Deb] Michael's thinking about changing his hair.
Debbie Novotny: Oh God. Baby, what's wrong? Tell me.

Michael Novotny: Where have you been? You didn't come home lastnight?
Debbie Novotny: Somebody get lucky.
Emmett Honeycutt: Good for him. I spent the night at Ted's. You guys he is in deep shit trouble. We need to have an invention.
Debbie Novotny: Booze?
Brian Kinney: Crystal.
Emmett Honeycutt: Whipping the Willie.
Brian Kinney: Schmuck. He couldn't even get a decent addiction.


"Queer as Folk: Daddy Dearest (Sonny Boy) (#1.9)" (2001)
[first lines]
Dr. David Cameron: Michael, I have this fantasy.
Michael Novotny: Uh-huh.
Dr. David Cameron: It's Sunday morning and I'm lying in bed. And I hear the little thump of the newspaper, and the sun's just coming through the window.
Michael Novotny: Yeah?
Dr. David Cameron: And in the distance... I hear the sound of someone singing very quietly... because they don't want to wake me up.
Michael Novotny: Well, that's considerate, I think.
Dr. David Cameron: And as I look across the room... I see through the frosted glass of the shower, the shape of the guy that I love.
Michael Novotny: Am I conditioning my hair?
Dr. David Cameron: I'm being serious, Michael.
Michael Novotny: I know. I'm sorry. It sounds nice.
Dr. David Cameron: It is nice. It can be nice. It will be nice when you move in with me.
Michael Novotny: Hey, what do you know? "X-Men"'s out on D.V.D.

Emmett: Alright, let's sing some Barbra.
Ted: Can't do Barbra unless you've got the lyrics on the monitor.
Emmett: Bitch!
Brian: If one of you starts to sing "People", I will leave you on the side of the road without stopping.
Michael Novotny: He's not kidding.


"Queer as Folk: Stop Hurting Us (#3.7)" (2003)
Vic: I thought I'd make a turducken.
Michael: A what?
Vic: Turducken. You take chicken, you stuff it up a duck, then stuff that up a turkey.
Debbie: Kind of like a three-way, but with poultry!

Vic: Eggplant.
[Vic holds up an eggplant for Michael to see]
Vic: I mean, is this not a thing of beauty? Touch it, stroke it.
Michael: Insert it?


"Queer as Folk: All Better Now (#2.2)" (2002)
Michael Novotny: It was awful. All those dirty-minded old men, staring at me and pinching my ass.
Emmett Honeycutt: It was fabulous! All those dirty old men staring at me and pinching my ass!

Ted Schmidt: I mean, he fired me. Me - the hardest working most devoted employee he's got. And for what?
Michael Novotny: Wanking to the web?
Ted Schmidt: No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't wanking. I was watching - same as everybody else in that office. The only difference I wasn't watching what everybody else watches.
Emmett Honeycutt: Straight sex.
Ted Schmidt: Yeah, it's fine to salivate over some bimbo with boobs the size of flotation devices stuffing a zucchini up her twat. But god forbid you should see some guy with pecs of death squatting on a road teepee. Oh, then you're instantly out on your ass!
Michael Novotny: That's discrimination on the workplace.


"Queer as Folk: We Will Survive! (#5.13)" (2005)
Michael: [last line of the series] So the thumpa-thumpa continues. It always will, no matter what happens, no matter who's President. As Our Lady of Disco, the Divine Miss Gloria Gaynor, has always sung to us, "We will survive."

[opening lines of the series finale]
Michael: They say that change is good for you, that it keeps you on your toes. Well, if that's true, I should be a fuckin ballerina.


"Queer as Folk: Home Is Where the Ass Is (#2.1)" (2002)
Michael Novotny: This is dinner?
Brian Kinney: It's just the essential elements of a healthy diet: Salt, saturated fat,alcohol.
Michael Novotny: I've never eating again. My mom practical forced-fed me to eat the entire Liberty Diner menu.
Brian Kinney: Well, who told you to eat it?
Michael Novotny: Well, what I'm suppose to do?
Brian Kinney: Say no.
Michael Novotny: You know it makes her happy.
Brian Kinney: There you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen, proof positive that making other people happy can cause nausea,severe cramps, even diarrhea.


"Queer as Folk: The Leper (Hath the Babe Not Eyes?) (#2.7)" (2002)
Michael Novotny: Right after my mother told me I was gay,she gave this big safe sex lecture. I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive.
Professor Ben Bruckner: Yeah, well, you know I was going to ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure.
Michael Novotny: Why not?
Professor Ben Bruckner: Well, Michael keep as a cucumber is a lot to live up to.


"Queer as Folk: Accentuate the Positive (#2.9)" (2002)
Ted: Well, don't worry, God still loves you no matter what.
Brian: Yeah. like I give a shit what God thinks about me. He'd better be worried what I think about him.
Michael Novotny: How do you figure that?
Brian: Well, in all this cold dead universe, we're the only ones who know he exists. Without us, he's nothing.


"Queer as Folk: Surprise! (#1.11)" (2001)
Michael: When you spend your entire life keeping it a secret - who you really are - you learn to stop trusting people and it becomes second nature.


"Queer as Folk: Very Stupid People (#1.13)" (2001)
Brian Kinney: You know what I remember most about high school?
Michael Novotny: The time in Biology class when you beat off into a test tube for your science project?
Brian Kinney: No, food. It was always lots of food in your house
Michael Novotny: That's an Italian thing. And there was always plenty of booze at your house.
Brian Kinney: Yea, huh. That's an Irish thing.


"Queer as Folk: Starting a Whole New Life (#4.3)" (2004)
Michael: What are you doing reading comic books?
Hunter: Duh! I'm in a fucking comic book store!
Michael: Well, you should be doing your homework! And watch your mouth!
[pauses for a moment]
Michael: Holy shit!
Hunter: What? What's the matter?
Michael: Did you hear me? I sounded just like my mother!


"Queer as Folk: A Change of Heart (#1.14)" (2001)
Dr. David Cameron: How came you're sitting here on the sideline?
Michael Novotny: I told you, I can't scate.
Dr. David Cameron: Well, I'll help you.
Michael Novotny: If God wanted me to be on ice, he'd have made me a Vodka martini.


"Queer as Folk: Hunt(Er) for Love (#3.8)" (2003)
Hunter: [emerges from bathroom] Okay, who wants to fuck me first?
Ben: That's not why we brought you up here.
Hunter: Then what do you want?
Michael Charles Novotny: For you not to get killed.
Hunter: Big loss if I did. I'm going back to work.
Ben: Not with that.
[indicates Hunters bruises]
Michael Charles Novotny: Someone should probably look at it.
Hunter: I'll try to pick up a doctor.


"Queer as Folk: Hypocrisy: Don't Do It (#2.3)" (2002)
Brian: I'm suing the motherfucker.
Michael: Take it easy, Brian.
Brian: He said I'm thirty-one! ...I'm thirty.


"Queer as Folk: Good Grief! (#1.19)" (2001)
Michael Novotny: I'm sure he would go if I wanted him to.
Brian Kinney: Uh-huh.
Michael Novotny: It's true.
Brian Kinney: All right. Then make sure he's there.
Michael Novotny: All right, I will.
Brian Kinney: Okay.
Michael Novotny: Okay.
Brian Kinney: Great.
Michael Novotny: Fine.


"Queer as Folk: Brat-Sitting (#3.4)" (2003)
Michael Novotny: I'm half Italian and half drag queen - I'm allowed to get worked up.


"Queer as Folk: The Dangers of Sex and Drugs (#2.14)" (2002)
Ted: I'm so disappointed.
Michael Novotny: I know, I fucked up!
Ted: I don't mean that. All the porno flicks I've seen that take place in prison always show these hot criminal types in heavy man-on-man action. Nothing like this.