Brian Kinney
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Quotes for
Brian Kinney (Character)
from "Queer as Folk" (2000)

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"Queer as Folk: Premiere (#1.1)" (2000)
Brian: How old are you really?
Justin: Twenty... nineteen... eighteen...
Brian: Well, what is this, a missile launch?
Justin: Seventeen.

Michael Novotny: [Brian is receiving oral sex from a guy in the back room of Babylon.] We need to go. We want to eat.
Brian: I'm just gonna give him my number.
Michael Novotny: What'd you do, you write it on your dick? How long is this gonna take?
Brian: [looking at the face of the guy] Ten minutes. Tops.

Michael Novotny: That was quick.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Hell, when you've had as much practice as he's had.
Brian: I got bored.
Emmett Honeycutt: I know. Getting your dick sucked can be so tedious.

Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] And that's when it happened. When he came along.
Brian: How's it going? Had a busy night?
Justin: Just eh... Checking out the bars, you know. Boy Toy, Meat Hook.
Brian: The Meat Hook? Really? So you're into leather?
Justin: [hesitating] ...Sure.
Brian: Where're you headed?
Justin: No place special.
Brian: I can change that.
[both of them got into the jeep.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Hey! Hey, what about us?
Brian: You can ride with Ted.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Thanks a lot!
Michael Novotny: Asshole!

Brian: Coming in?
Justin: Huh? Oh, yeah.
Brian: Shut the door.
Justin: [Justin hesitates, then shuts the door.] This is a... really nice place. I like your kitchen.
Brian: Do you like Special K?
Justin: It's okay. I like Cheerios better.
Brian: I don't mean the kind you eat with bananas. My disco pharmacologist cooks this up for me.
Justin: I'm really allergic to a lot of drugs. The doctor gave me penicillin once. Nearly killed me. And Tylenol.
Brian: Tylenol? No one's allergic to Tylenol. Tylenol's what they give you when you're allergic to everything else.

Brian: [to Justin] So are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying?

Brian: So what do you like to do?
Justin: Do? I don't know. Watch T.V., play "Tomb Raider".
Brian: [laughing] I meant in bed.
Justin: Oh.
[smiles at Brian]
Justin: This is fine.
Brian: Are you a top or a bottom?
Justin: [hesitantly] ...Top... And bottom.
Brian: Oh, you're versatile then.
Justin: And ambidextrous, which was really confusing at first cause I can never figure out which hand to throw with.
Brian: [nodding] Do you like to rim?
Justin: Sure. I love it.
Brian: Great. Go to it.
[Justin looks confused, non-responsive]
Brian: Well?
Justin: Um... What exactly do you mean?

Brian: [Justin reaches orgasm while Brian is on the phone with Melanie.] Jesus Christ! I told you not to!
Justin: I tried! I'm sorry. I tried!
Brian: All over my new duvet!
Justin: I tried.
Brian: [wiping the bed] Thank you very much.
Justin: It'll wash out, won't it? I mean, you should see my sheets at home.

Brian: [commenting on missing the birth of his son] Oh, I wish I could have been there. How often do I get to see snatch?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Want to hold him?
[Brian approaches the baby, holding him.]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Ca... Careful! Don't drop him.
Brian: That is just what I was planning on doing.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: We've been thinking of names. Mel wants to call him Abraham after her grandfather, but I like Gus.
[Brian looks at his son, then over to Justin.]
Brian: What do you think?
Justin: You wouldn't survive a day in school being named Abraham, but I guess Gus is okay.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Thank you very much, and who the hell are you?
Brian: His name's... Juh...
Michael Novotny: Justin.
Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.
Lesbians In The Room: Ugh...
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Oh, Brian!
Brian: He can't help it. He's only seventeen.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.
Brian: But mine doesn't suck on my tits, unless I want him to.
[looking back at Gus]
Brian: Gus! It's a good butch name. Come on Gus; give your daddy a smile.

Michael Novotny: It's disgusting, all those lesbians fawning over him and making goo-goo talk.
Brian: That's what women do over babies.
Michael Novotny: Who's talking about the baby? I mean Justin. It's kinda weird, you're having a kid. Still, it's exciting, isn't it?
Brian: What? Having some wrinkled little time clock ticking away? Reminding you that you're getting older by the minute, by the second?
Michael Novotny: Keep thinking like that, you're gonna end up prematurely gray... Oh, I think I see one.
[Michael reaches for Brian, pulling off his hair.]
Brian: Ouch!

Brian: [On the hospital roof, Brian gets up on the ledge.] There is always one solution. I could end it all now right now.
Michael Novotny: Oh, that would be dramatic. It's like "E.R.". Birth and death in the same episode. Now, get down!

Brian: Come 'on, Mikey, let's fly... like in all those comic books. I'm Superman. I'll show you the world!
Michael Novotny: Why am I always Lois Lane?

Brian: Well, here we are. Ma and Pa.
[Lindsay starts to cry.]
Brian: Hey...
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Don't mind me. I'm just feeling a little... vulnerable.
Brian: I promise not to tell.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Who would have thought? You and me, parents?
Brian: It's pretty scary, boys and girls. Think it's too late to return it?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [whispering] We could try...
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: I guess this means we're finally grown-ups.
Brian: Don't say that Wendy! We'll never grow up!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Don't be scared. Hell, if our parents could fuck up, so could we.

Brian: [to Justin] Pop quiz, no talking. Here's your question. Multiple choice. "Do you want to come home with me?". A, yes. B, yes. Or C, yes. Tick, tick, tick! Time's up, pencils down. What do you say?

Brian: [to Justin] Now you know what rimming is.

Justin: [Brian and Justin are about to have anal intercourse.] Wait. In school we had this lecture, about safe sex.
Brian: And now we're going to have a demonstration.
[Brian grabs a condom from beside the bed, rips it open with is teeth, and while handing it to Justin.]
Brian: Put it on me. Go on slip it on my dick.

Brian: [Brian and Justin are making love in bed.] Now relax, I want you to always remember this, so that no matter who you're ever with, I'll always be there.

Brian: [Brian stretches his hand over to the other side of the bed to stop the alarm, wakes up, and realizes that Justin is in his bed.] What the fuck are you doing here?
Justin: You said I could stay.
Brian: Right. Your parents. They think you're at a friend's.
[rising to sit on the bed, noticing the mess in the loft]
Brian: Jesus Christ! What the hell happened?
[Justin laughs.]
Brian: Don't tell me. I was doing handstands.
Justin: And juggling. You're not very good.
Brian: Shit! Why do I do these things?
[Justin tries to answer.]
Brian: I'll tell you why. Was that fucking pig Anita. She told me that was E. That wasn't E, that was some shit they cooked up in a bathtub in Tijuana.
Justin: That's why you should never take drugs that aren't prescribed by a physician or recommended by a reliable pharmacist.
Brian: [laughing] What are you, a public service announcement?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [on answering machine tape] Where the hell are you? I've been trying your cell. It's turned off. If you're there, pick up. Brian. Listen, Lindsay's water broke. She's having contractions. We're at the hospital.
Brian: [quick-pan to Brian as he stands bolt-upright.] Fuck! I have a baby.
Justin: [in the bathroom] Ouch!
Brian: Two babies.

Justin: [talking about Lindsay] Did you actually fuck her?
Brian: Who?
Justin: Lindsay.
Brian: You're awfully rude.
Justin: Well, did you?
Brian: I jerked off into a cup, and they squirted it up her.
Justin: Gross. She must have really wanted a kid.
Brian: Most women do.
Justin: Even lesbians?
Brian: Lesbians are women... Sort of.

Brian: [to Justin] Don't get smart, or I'll have to spank you.

Michael Novotny: [Michael walks into Brian and Justin, kissing.] Christ! Didn't you get enough last night?
Brian: There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast.

Brian: [surprised by the graffiti on his jeep] Oh, that's beautiful, Mikey. Just beautiful.
Michael Novotny: It's not my fault! I've told you about those two psychopaths down the street.
Brian: What? A couple of twelve-year-olds?
Michael Novotny: They start early these days!
[looking at Justin]
Michael Novotny: What are you laughing at?
Justin: Nothing... You. You sound like my parents fighting.

Brian: [everyone at Justin's school is staring at Brian's jeep with the word 'faggot' on it.] Here we are, sonny boy.
Michael Novotny: Be sure to come home right after school.
Brian: No lingering on the playground or the locker room with the gym teacher.
Michael Novotny: Oh, you did not tell him about that!
Brian: It's the most famous shower scene since "Psycho".
Justin's Schoolmate: [passing by, screaming at Justin] Hey, Justin..., you wanna suck me off?
Brian: No.
[getting down from his jeep]
Brian: But I'll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won't sit down for a week!

[last lines]
Brian: Well, I say, fuck them. They can write it in neon across the sky. Faggot!

Brian: Kids grrrrreat!

Brian Kinney: :
[pitching his ad campaign]
Brian Kinney: The difference between our beer and their beer is that our beer Not Clydesdales. If you want to be cool, if you want to be popular, if you want to get... laid... this is what you drink.

Brian Kinney: I had to piss during that whole pitch. Didn't think I could hold it.
Cute Client: [cute client grins] Your presentation was very impressive.
Brian Kinney: [looks over] Think so?
[eyes drop]
Cute Client: [grinning] Yeah, it was very impressive.
Brian Kinney: Well I'm glad you liked it. Because that's what we're here for. To please the client.

Michael Novotny: We need a secret code word like "Shazam" so that if I get into a tight spot, you could come and rescue me.
Brian Kinney: Tight spot? How about "butt-plug"?
Michael Novotny: "Butt-plug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.
Brian Kinney: Because that's what you are, pretending you're one of them.
Michael Novotny: I couldn't help it!
Brian Kinney: Or you could've told her the truth instead of acting like a scared little faggot. You should've just said, "I take it up the ass, sweetheart. Deal with it!".
Michael Novotny: Right, right. By the way, I noticed you got the jeep repainted.
[They have finally reached the bar.]
Michael Novotny: God this place is like "Breeders' Central". Butt-plug, butt-plug, butt-plug, butt...
Brian Kinney: [pushing Michael down the jeep] See ya, Mikey.

Brian Kinney: A million dollars?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: That's the general idea.
Brian Kinney: A million fucking dollars?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Brian, please? You'll wake the baby.
Brian Kinney: Well the answer is no. Definitely not.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: I don't understand the problem. I mean, Lindsay told me you offered to help support him.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: It was very generous.
Brian Kinney: Well that's different than a life insurance policy.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: It's simply in case something happens to you.
Brian Kinney: Like I'm decapitated on a railroad crossing? Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion? You know, I can just imagine the grisly deaths you've conjured up for me.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Like in case you get sick.
Brian Kinney: [pausing] ...Ah. Even better.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Considering your life. When's the last time you're tested.
Brian Kinney: Six months ago! I was negative.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: That's twenty-six weeks and a hundred and eighty-two one-night stands.
Brian Kinney: You know I've always admired people who can multiply in their heads. And I'm always careful.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Look, this isn't for us. It's for our son. We need to make sure he'll be provided for.
Brian Kinney: And all I have to do is die.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Hopefully, not before you sign these papers.
[smug-smiling at Brian]

Michael Novotny: [answering his cell phone] Hello, sports fans!
Brian Kinney: [on the phone] I'm coming to get you.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] It's okay. I'm having a really good time. She's really nice.
Brian Kinney: [on the phone] She's really nice? Do you think she and her friends would be really nice if they knew the little charade you were playing? They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in.
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] They're not like that.
Brian Kinney: [on the phone] Not like that, huh? Listen to me, Mikey. Are you listening?
Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Yeah, I'm listening.
Brian Kinney: [on the phone] There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: The ones that hate you to your face... and the ones that hate you behind your back. Now, get the fuck out of there... because I need you.

Justin: Hi!
Brian Kinney: Oh shit! Just what I need. What's his name?
Michael Novotny: Justin! His name's Justin. If I can remember, and I didn't even fuck him, why can't you?
Brian Kinney: Because I did?
[Brian approaches Justin, standing beside him.]
Brian Kinney: So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?

Emmett Honeycutt: You know, for a skinny white boy, I make one fucking fabulous black woman.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: How bout another round on me?
Brian Kinney: I got a better idea. Lets move on.
Michael Novotny: What's wrong with here?
Brian Kinney: I've had everyone here.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: My problem precisely.
Michael Novotny: You haven't had me.
Brian Kinney: [smiles] Oh, yeah?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What? You never told us.
Michael Novotny: There is nothing to tell.
Brian Kinney: We were up in his room. We were fourteen, fifteen tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever. Only, we're not. We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. Anyway, there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing"... without his shirt on. So, I've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey and guess what? He's got one, too.
Michael Novotny: Okay, you can stop now.
Brian Kinney: [laughs] Twin stiffies. I reach over, start rubbing it. He's practically swooning.
[drops voice]
Brian Kinney: I pop it out, start stroking it, nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... his mom walks in without knocking.
Justin: They always do. Did she see you?
Brian Kinney: I don't see how she could have missed it.
Michael Novotny: Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count.

Justin: "Dirty Dancing". That's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney: What?
Justin: I said that's a really old movie.
Brian Kinney: It's not that old.
Justin: How old are you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Ugh-oh.
Brian Kinney: How old do you think I am?
Justin: Thirty-three?
[Everyone laughs.]
Brian Kinney: Fuck you.
Michael Novotny: He's twenty-nine.
Brian Kinney: And fuck you too! What did you tell him for?
Michael Novotny: Fair's fair.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And we all know what that means. In a few months, he'll be thirty. Might as well be dead?
Brian Kinney: Well, you ought to know. You already are.

Brian Kinney: Patrick Swayze is so hot... We'll have to do something about that.

Brian Kinney: [looking at himself in the mirror] I'd fuck you!

Brian Kinney: Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk... Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.

[last lines]
Brian Kinney: Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure, and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. Then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married.
Justin: That's not what I want. I want you.
Brian Kinney: You can't have me. I'm too old... You're too young for me. You're seventeen, I'm twenty-eight.
Justin: You're twenty-nine.
Brian Kinney: Alright, twenty-nine. All the more reason. Now go do your homework.

[as they are driving back to Brian's loft from the hospital... ]
Michael Charles Novotny: Brian, what did you take?
Brian: A, B, C, D, *E, E, E.*

Brian: [Lindsey has just given birth to Brian's son, Gus] Alone at last!
[jumps on the hospital bed]
Lindsay: Careful!
Brian: Well here we are, maw and paw.
[Lindsay starts crying]
Brian: Hey!
[strokes her cheek]
Lindsay: Don't mind me, just feeling a little vulnerable.
Brian: I promise not to tell.
Lindsay: Who woulda thought, you and me, parents!
Brian: It's pretty scary, boys and girls. You think it's too late to return it?
Lindsay: We could try!
[they laugh]
Lindsay: I guess this means we're finally grownups.
Brian: Don't say that, Wendy, we'll never grow up!
Lindsay: Don't be scared. Hell, if our parents could fuck up, so can we!
Brian: I don't want you to worry. About money, I mean. If you need anything...
Lindsay: No, we'll be alright. But thanks.
[kisses his cheek]
Brian: I would have fucked you, ya know. If I wasn't afraid your lover'd beat the shit out of me.
Lindsay: Stop!
Brian: I mean it. She could take on Oscar de la Renta!
Lindsay: You mean La Hoya.
[she mock-punches his jaw]
Brian: Whatever.
Lindsay: Well, you had plenty of chances.
Brian: I took advantage of a few, if I recall.
Lindsay: It wasn't half bad!
Brian: Now you tell me? You mean I could have been straight this whole time?
Lindsay: I wouldn't say that!
Brian: I guess it's just as well.
[they kiss]

Brian: I happen to be very kind. Very loving. Hey Zack, how's it going?
Zack: Not bad.
Brian: How's Peter?
Zack: Still dead.
Brian: [to Michael] Oh shit. I forgot.
Michael Novotny: Well, if anyone has any doubts about how kind and loving you are that should convince them.

Mr. Goodfuk: I don't mind a threesome. Although he's kind of young.
Brian: He's also kind of leaving.
Justin: Who's he?
Brian: Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk. Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.
Mr. Goodfuk: Name is George.
Brian: Sorry. George... Goodfuk.
Justin: You don't even know him.
Brian: Well, I was hoping to get to. Now why don't you just scamper on home.
[Justin leaves]
Brian: He's my stalker.
Mr. Goodfuk: That wasn't very kind. What, sending him off, a kid that age, by himself at this time of night.
Brian: Who are you, Father Goodfuk?

"Queer as Folk: Now Approaching... The Line (#1.5)" (2000)
[first lines]
Brian Kinney: [Someone knocks at Brian's door. He wakes up & looks beside him.] Who the hell are you?
Tattoo: I'm the guy you fucked last night.
Brian Kinney: Oh, yeah. Were you any good?
[Someone knocks at the door.]
Brian Kinney: Okay, I'm coming!
[to Trick]
Brian Kinney: And you're going.

Tattoo: [as he leaves] We'll do this again.
Brian Kinney: [sarcastically] Yeah, sure.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Let me guess. Your Italian tutor?
[handing Brian him the baby dummy]
Brian Kinney: Grazie.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You know if you visited once in a while, we wouldn't need to drop by unannounced.
Brian Kinney: Talk to your girlfriend.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You can't exactly blame her. The way you behave.
Brian Kinney: She's just jealous, because she thinks you love me more than you love her. And she's right.

Brian Kinney: If I don't get this account, I'll be fucked. And without lube.
Emmett Honeycutt: And that's a bad thing?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's amazing how you always work anal intercourse into the conversation.
Brian Kinney: Hey, you try spending an evening with some back-slapping breeder from out of town, smoking cigars, and talking about pussy.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'd love to hear what you have to say about pussy.
Brian Kinney: That is a good thing you got one, because you wouldn't know what to do with a dick.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Move over. So you boys in the mood for something sweet, or are you gonna pick up a little something at Woody's?
[pinches Michael's cheeks]
Michael Novotny: Ma, stop pinching my cheeks.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Oh, bend over so I can pinch the other ones.

Emmett Honeycutt: [referring to himself, Brian, and Michael] Looks like it's ah... it's just us, the three musketeers.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: More like the Pointer Sisters.
Michael Novotny: I can't go either.
Brian Kinney: What's your excuse?
Michael Novotny: I have to go back to the store. We're restocking.
Emmett Honeycutt: Poor baby. Spend the entire evening alone in that dreary crap emporium?
Michael Novotny: Tracy will be there.
Brian Kinney: Your bride-to-be?
Michael Novotny: She's not my bride-to-be.
Brian Kinney: Then you can tell her who you really are.
Emmett Honeycutt: I agree. I always say,: "come clean, or don't come at all".
Michael Novotny: I can't. Where I work, they laugh at faggots.
Brian Kinney: And the only faggots worth laughing at are the ones who don't tell the truth. Don't be one of those assholes who hides, Mikey. And stop leading her on.
Michael Novotny: Who's leading her on? We're counting cartons of toilet paper.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, which you can use because you're so full of shit.
Emmett Honeycutt: Don't touch me.

Justin Taylor: Take your shirt off, you get a free drink.
Brian Kinney: I don't show my tits for a watered-down Bud.
Justin Taylor: Get me a beer.
Brian Kinney: Get your own.
Justin Taylor: I'm too young.
Brian Kinney: Well, that's your problem.

Nasty Trick: Oh man, I'm so horny. I want you to fuck me for hours, and I'm a top.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, that's what all the biggest bottoms say.
[Justin walks into Brian's loft when Brian's ready to do it with the trick.]
Brian Kinney: Oh, fuck!
Nasty Trick: Jesus, who's this?
Brian Kinney: That's the president of my fan club.
[to Justin]
Brian Kinney: What do you want?
Justin Taylor: My Mom's out of control. Now she's following me.
Brian Kinney: That must be an inherited trait.
Justin Taylor: I'm not going home.
Brian Kinney: Well you're not staying here.
Justin Taylor: There's nowhere else I can go. You want me to sleep on the street? I could get killed.
Nasty Trick: Why don't you get lost, you little asshole?
[pushing Justin out]
Nasty Trick: I was here first.
Brian Kinney: Better yet, why don't you...
[pushing the guy out]
Brian Kinney: ...Beat it!
Nasty Trick: Fuck you!
Brian Kinney: Yeah. You're the bottom... remember?
Justin Taylor: Thanks.

Marvin Telson: [Brian talking to new client in his 50's] Well, actually, I had a different sort of evening in mind. The sort of evening you might... plan for yourself.
Brian Kinney: And what sort of evening is that?
Marvin Telson: Well, you know, one that's more... fun. Like this club that I, uh, heard about, uh... Babylon?
Brian Kinney: Why, Marvin, you old dog.
Brian Kinney: Christ, isn't anyone straight anymore?

Michael Novotny: That's sexual harassment.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, remind me to press charges.
Michael Novotny: What does he look like?
Brian Kinney: Like the kind of guy, if he wagged his dick in front of you, you wouldn't look twice. But if he dangled his account in front of you, you might consider it.
Michael Novotny: You're kidding? You wouldn't actually do...? Would you?
Brian Kinney: Well, considering some of the other things I've done.
Michael Novotny: Yeah, but that was for fun. You've never done anything like this.
Brian Kinney: You're so beautifully naive, Mikey. It's business. You fuck or you get fucked.
Michael Novotny: Yeah, only which end are you on?

Michael Novotny: [Brian opens the door, and finds Michael standing there. Michael enters the loft, and Brian's eyes focus on his outfit all the way in.] Oh shut up!
Brian Kinney: Who did this thing to you? Ah, let me guess. Emmett Bellarenta?
Michael Novotny: Should've just worn my jeans, but he said,
[imitating Emmett's tone]
Michael Novotny: "No, you can't go out in a date like that".
Brian Kinney: You've got a date?
Michael Novotny: Yeah.
Brian Kinney: A date?
[hugging Michael]
Brian Kinney: Mikey's got a date!
Michael Novotny: I'm gonna call and cancel.
Brian Kinney: The fuck you are!
Michael Novotny: Well, I can't go like this!
Brian Kinney: You're right.
[walks to get his shopping bag]
Brian Kinney: Here, try this.
Michael Novotny: [looking at the shirt Brian just threw at him] Are you sure?
Brian Kinney: I've got dozens of them.
Michael Novotny: It's weird going on a date.
Brian Kinney: Make sure he opens the car door for you and pulls your chair out.
Michael Novotny: That's what I mean. It's so... hetero. You ever been on a real date?
Brian Kinney: ... Once. I ended up fucking the waiter.
Michael Novotny: I don't know what to do or say.
Brian Kinney: Just be yourself.
Michael Novotny: That should make the evening fly by! Why can't we just... fast-forward to the sex?
Brian Kinney: The point of a date, so it's been explained to me by those who do that sort of thing, is that you actually get to know the other person before you fuck them.
Michael Novotny: What a dumb idea! What if you don't like them?
Brian Kinney: Worse yet: what if you do?

Brian Kinney: [Brian and Michael are standing in front of the mirror, looking at the leather jacket on Michael's body.] So what do you think?
Michael Novotny: I think I look like you.
Brian Kinney: You look fantastic. You are fantastic.
[giving Michael a kiss]
Brian Kinney: Remember that, Mikey.

Marvin Telson: I wasn't sure you'd come.
Brian Kinney: I always come when I say I'm going to.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [Brian is knocking at Lindsay's door. Lindsey opens the curtain, sees Brian] The kitchen's closed.
Brian Kinney: [Lindsay walks away. Brian knocks again. Lindsay finally opens the door.] Were you sleeping?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: We have a newborn here. We never sleep.
Brian Kinney: Sorry I missed dinner.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Don't apologize, it doesn't become you. Don't think you can flash that smile and get away with it. That might have been cute at twenty but at thirty it's starting to get pathetic.
Brian Kinney: Twenty-nine.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [sighs] Have you eaten?
Brian Kinney: No.
[flashing that smile]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Come on.

"Queer as Folk: Ted's Not Dead (#1.4)" (2000)
Michael Novotny: You went home with...
Emmett Honeycutt: An undertaker. Uh-hmm.
Brian Kinney: I fucked an undertaker once.
Michael Novotny: You did? When?
Brian Kinney: He told me sometimes they sew the mouths shut.
[raising his eyebrow]

Brian Kinney: [about Ted, who is in a coma] You know, he is a first. The first almost dead guy I sort of had sex with.
Michael Novotny: You had sex with Ted?
Emmett Honeycutt: You never had sex with Ted!
Michael Novotny: When did you have sex with...?
Brian Kinney: Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.
Michael Novotny: Semi? When?
Brian Kinney: You know that weekend that John-John's plane went down?
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, God. They kept showing him on the beach with his shirt off. I didn't know whether to jerk off or weep.

Michael Novotny: [about Ted, who is in a coma] He's in there! His life's like this... A dot on a screen. It could be us!
Brian Kinney: No, it could not be us! Because we know better. We know not to believe pretty little blonde boys who tell you that "it's really good shit", because that's what they all say. Ted didn't know that. And he didn't know that you only do drugs with your friends because they're the only ones that give a fuck about you.
[putting his arms on Michael's and Emmett's shoulders]

Emmett Honeycutt: [Emmett, Michael and Brian are in the steam bath, where a guy with a great ass passes in front of them.] Why I can't get my glutes to look like that?
Michael Novotny: Maybe you're not properly visualized in the muscle group.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, I'm visualizing it alright. On my face.
Brian Kinney: [about being Ted's power of attorney] Why me? Why not his mother? Why not you?
Emmett Honeycutt: Because I can't decide what to wear in the morning. Who in their right mind would give me power of life and death?
Michael Novotny: I couldn't do it, either.
Brian Kinney: I don't even like Ted.
Michael Novotny: Oh, come on! You do so!
Brian Kinney: Not enough to be responsible for his fucking life.
Emmett Honeycutt: Well he must have wanted you for a reason.
Michael Novotny: Maybe he's secretly in love with you.
Brian Kinney: "I love you, I'm comatose: kill me".

Brian Kinney: [to Mel] So let's cut to the chase, find somebody else. His mommy, or Michael, or Madonna. I don't care who!

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: I just want you to know that Melanie feels terrible about what she said.
Brian Kinney: Do you think I care?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Look, it's upsetting for all of us. But at a time like this, we could try showing a little compassion. Especially for Ted. Is there any word?
Brian Kinney: The machines say he's still alive.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Poor guy.
Brian Kinney: What about us?
[Lindsay looks at Brian.]
Brian Kinney: We don't have any beeps, or wires, or little white dots telling us we're alive, so how do we know? I guess we just take each other's word.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Maybe we know from what people expect from us. I mean, take Gus. He needs me to feed him, to... change him. Knowing that tells me I'm alive. So for me, right now, it's him.
Brian Kinney: What about me?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Ted needs you now. So maybe that's what tells you you're alive. You'll do the right thing. Whatever it is.
Brian Kinney: You don't know that.

Brian Kinney: [Brian is talking to Ted, who's in a coma because of a drug overdose.] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you... For going home with some tweaked out little twinkie, and thinking you got lucky. Did he let you eat his ass? Did he let you suck his cock? Well, I hope he was worth it... And fuck you for choosing me. I ought to let you lie here forever. How'd you like that? Can you hear me? You know..., you're not so bad looking. In fact..., you look better like this. You should die more often. Or live, so that I don't have to say "yes". Yes, I'll do it. I'll give you what you want, what you need. But don't think it's for you. It's not. It's for me.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: I'm calling your mother. I'm taking you home.
Justin Taylor: I'm not going.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: You get my tits in a knot, sunshine, and you're gonna be in deep shit! Excuse me.
Vic Grassi: [Debbie walks away from the dining table. Justin sits down across from Vic.] What are you studying in school?
Justin Taylor: Huh?
Vic Grassi: It's called conversation.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Ready?
Michael Novotny: I need to talk to Brian. I'll be there in a second.
[the others leave]
Michael Novotny: Do you have anything to say?
Brian Kinney: ... No.
Michael Novotny: Well, I do. You can fuck him at your place, you can fuck him in his gym class, you can fuck him at the zoo, but you cannot fuck him in my mother's house. In my room!
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: We're waiting.
Michael Novotny: Okay, I'm gonna go do this little job, then I'm gonna go see Ted at the hospital. You do whatever the fuck you want!

Michael Novotny: Okay, just so you don't freak out... Your dildos are missing. And your porn. We had to move it all... in case your Mom found it.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Well, I expect all thirty-three back.
[to Emmett and Brian]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Cleaned.
Emmett Honeycutt: You should eat something, honey.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'm not hungry.
Michael Novotny: We bought you a whole fucking chicken!
Brian Kinney: And you're gonna eat it.
Emmett Honeycutt: [to Brian] Oh, my God. Look at this. Who keeps lube in their front kitchen cabinet?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: It always looks so much smaller.
Michael Novotny: What does?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Your life. Especially after returning from a near-death experience.
Michael Novotny: Like watching the Oscars.
[lowering his voice]
Michael Novotny: Immediately proceeded by...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt, Michael Novotny: "The Barbara Walter's Special!".
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'm glad you're here.
Michael Novotny: You are? Well, ah... I... uhm...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What?
Michael Novotny: I'm... ah... I'm glad you're here too.
[Ted smiles.]
Michael Novotny: And if you ever wanna talk about this..., or other stuff...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Other stuff?
Michael Novotny: You know, if there's some... You know, something you can't talk about.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Like what?
Michael Novotny: I don't know. You know, maybe if you talk about it, it might help it? But, you, ah, you might not get what you want. But... Oh, shit!
Brian Kinney: [interrupting the conversation] Are you going to come eat the chicken?
Michael Novotny: ... I'm gonna arrange the daisies.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I saw you.... Fucking. When I woke up. I thought: ...I'm in hell. And this is my punishment. - Watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity.
Brian Kinney: [Brian puts his arm around Ted's shoulder] You should be so lucky. Why me? Why did you choose me?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: My mother couldn't do it. Michael and Emmett couldn't do it. But you could..., because you're a heartless shit. You could pull the plug and you wouldn't cry. And you'd know when it's time to go.

[last lines]
Brian Kinney: I want it to be you.
Michael Novotny: What?
Brian Kinney: I want it to be you! I'll put it in writing.
Michael Novotny: I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug.
Brian Kinney: And you pull mine.

"Queer as Folk: No Bris, No Shirt, No Service (#1.3)" (2000)
Michael: So why punish him by not going?
Brian: Look, it's not if he's gonna know I'm not there.
Michael: Can't be sure. I read some place...
Brian: Where? Marvel Comics?
Michael: ...that infants respond to things even while still in the womb. For instance, tension and discord affect them adversely, while playing Mozart and stuff like that makes 'em super smart.
Brian: Well how do you think listening to the sound of two dikes go down on each other for the past nine months has affected him? Christ. He'll probably grow up to be straight.
Michael: All the more reason why he needs his dad!

Brian: I told you. I'm not going to the muncher's brunch. And that's final!
Michael: Look, it's not for them. It's for you son.
Brian: My son? He's only my son when they want my money.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: What the hell do you think you're doing? Barging in here, interrupting a religious ceremony?
Brian: You should have asked my permission first!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: For what?
Brian: To circumcise my son!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: We don't have to ask your permission. We're the parents!
Brian: And I'm the biological father. And that gives me more rights than you.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: I see someone's been studying his law.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Look, this is no time to be having this conversation! We have a house full of guests.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah, and since when did you start caring about your son? Considering you haven't been to see him once since he was born.
Brian: Well, I'm not exactly welcome.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, bull shit! You've been too busy fucking everything that moves!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Could we please stop this? Why does it matter to you if Gus is circumcised?
Brian: It matters that he's been in this world less than a week and already there are people who won't accept him for the way he is. Who'd even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is. The way he was born. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.

Brian: Deb, can we get some service?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Keep your pants on, at least until you've had dinner.

Michael: I'm not baby-sitting him again. This time he's all yours!
Brian: What?
Michael: He's over there talking to my mother, you little prick!
Brian: Leave him alone. He's alright.
Michael: ... Excuse me? The noise is so loud in here, I thought I heard you said he's alright.
Brian: In fact, it's kind of sweet.
Michael: Sweet? I thought we got rid of him. I thought he was out of our lives.

Michael: What the fuck did you do that for? You practically got us engaged!
Brian: Well, I want to dance with the bride at her wedding. And Tracy too.
Michael: Shit!

Emmett Honeycutt: Time to organize a search party.
Michael: Who's missing?
Emmett Honeycutt: Katsuo! I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mummify me. Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder? Anyway, I turned around, and he was gone.
Michael: I have a feeling he'll be alright.
Emmett Honeycutt: He doesn't speak a word of English! And... and he's so sweet, so innocent. What if some hot, hungry queen tries to have his way with it?
Brian: I thought you already did.
Michael: He's around somewhere. Im sure you'll find him.
Emmett Honeycutt: Thanks.

Brian: [to Michael] Target sighted. All systems go. See you later, Mikey.

Emmett Honeycutt: The worst part is not that he's unfaithful, or even a slut. I mean, nobody's perfect. It's that he said he loved me. I mean, he lied to me!
Brian: How could he lie to you? He doesn't speak English!
Michael: Look, I'm the one who told you that. I'm sorry.
Emmett Honeycutt: My own fault. Why do I always give my heart away to trash, huh?
Brian: Because you want to see it in the dumpster?

"Queer as Folk: The Art of Desperation (#1.6)" (2001)
Michael: [looking at the drawing of Brian] I think the artist has taken some liberties.
Brian: Well, it's a perfect likeness.
Michael: Come on, it was never that big.
Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.
Michael: I haven't seen "Gone With The Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and half hours.

Michael: I totally blew it.
Brian: Don't worry, there's still plenty of creepy, old man out there who'd love to get in your pants.
Michael: He wasn't that old. He wasn't creepy; he was nice. First doctor...
Brian: Chiropractor.
Michael: That counts. I think.
[they are interrupted by the owner of the comic bookstore.]
Comic Store Worker: Ah... We got in the new "Catwoman".
Michael: Cool!
[the guy walks away after showing Michael the comic book.]
Michael: He takes me this really nice restaurant, I behave like a fucking idiot, dressed up like some slick asshole.
Brian: Hey! That was my twelve hundred dollar leather jacket.
Michael: It wasn't me. You know why, Because I'm nobody. That's my problem.
[Brian is checking out the owner of the shop.]
Michael: Are you even listening to me?
Brian: I tune out self-pity, it makes my dick soft. And we wouldn't want that, would we?
Michael: Just forget I said anything. Oh, wow! Look, it's the new Eletra Woman doll. I'm gonna buy this for Gus.
Brian: Don't. I don't want a gay kid.
Michael: He's being raised by two lesbians. He's going to need a feminine influence. Besides, it'll be a collector's item.

Brian: [Brian knocks on the door. Melanie opens it, and a doll greets her.] I got something for Gus.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [laughing] That's so sweet. We'll call Michael later to thank him.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: How long have you been drawing?
Justin Taylor: My Mom brought me crayons when I was still in the crib. I never stopped.
Brian: What's he doing here?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: We ran into each other on the street.
Justin Taylor: It was like this weird coincidence.
Brian: I bet.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [looking at Justin's drawings] You know, these are good!
Justin Taylor: That's what my Mother says.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Lindsay's an art teacher.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: For someone your age, you have an amazing feel for the human form.
Brian: I've noticed that myself.
[throws a teddy bear at Justin]

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You know, there's going to be an art show at G.L.C.
Justin Taylor: What's that?
Brian: The Gay and Lesbian Center.
[Justin frowns.]
Brian: Safe haven for fags who can't get laid.

Brian: Good. Give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me.
[throws the bear at him again]
Justin Taylor: Don't flatter yourself.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [laughs] Oh, we like Justin. Justin can stay.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: We'll make sure everyone comes.
[to Brian]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: including you.
Brian: Bitch.

Emmett Honeycutt: [Emmett meets David for the first time.] Oh my God. That guy over there looks exactly like Matthew McConaughey. Maybe he smokes pot, naked.
[to David]
Emmett Honeycutt: Excuse me!
Dr. David Cameron: [laughs] He doesn't hold anything back.
Michael: He was toning it down for you.
Brian: [sits on Michael's lap] Where the fuck have you been?
Michael: Brian, this is David.
Brian: Oh, fuck me, the new beau!
Dr. David Cameron: I've heard a lot about you.
Brian: I've heard a lot about you too. Sixteen right, eleven left?
Dr. David Cameron: Excuse me?
Michael: Nothing.
[to Brian]
Michael: You're tweaked, what are you on?
Brian: Oh, E, K, G.H.B. Most of the letters on "Sesame Street".
Michael: You'll get dehydrated, taking all that shit. I'm gonna get you some water.
[to David]
Michael: You want a beer?
Dr. David Cameron: Sure.
[Michael leaves]
Dr. David Cameron: You've got him well trained.
Brian: Well, he takes care of me, and I take care of him. So, Doc, do you fuck all of your patients?
Dr. David Cameron: Well, if you're referring to Michael I released him from my care, before we went out together. What about you? What do you do?
Brian: Advertising.
Dr. David Cameron: Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself.
Brian: Yeah, I could do it in my sleep.
Dr. David Cameron: I bet you could.

Brian: Fuck groups.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: I thought you did.
Brian: Occasionally. But it's by invitation... only.

Brian: Aren't I always looking out for you?
Michael: You're just jealous because somebody finally thinks I'm hot or something.
Brian: You are hot or something. I've been telling you that since you were fourteen, but you won't believe me.
[and then Brian kisses Michael on the lips.]

Brian: [to Justin and Daphne] Oh, look, it's the cast of "Zoom".
Daphne Chanders: We're celebrating. Justin sold some of his art today.
Justin Taylor: The one of you... naked.
Michael: Who'd buy that?
Emmett Honeycutt: Probably some desperate queen who's always pined for you.
Brian: Oh, Ted, how thoughtful.

"Queer as Folk: Smells Like Codependence (#1.7)" (2001)
Emmett Honeycutt: I say if it walks like a boyfriend...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...and talks like a boyfriend...
Emmett Honeycutt, Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Then it must be a boyfriend!
Brian Kinney: Would you two please shut the fuck up? I think it's great that Mikey's got a steady.
Michael Novotny: He's not a steady! We went out twice!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Around here, that's a long-term relationship.
Emmett Honeycutt: The next thing you know, you'll be exchanging rings...
Brian Kinney: Hmmm... And then there'll be one of those commitment ceremonies; where like, all two hundred of the guests have slept with one, if not the both of the happy couple.
Emmett Honeycutt: Just, ehm, promise me you won't wear matching white suits.
Michael Novotny: There is no way that is ever going to happen.
Emmett Honeycutt: Well, then I suggest you, watch out for the warning signs.
Michael Novotny: What warning signs?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Like when he brings you flowers...
Emmett Honeycutt: ...or, or invites you away for a romantic weekend to the country.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Not that you'll see much beside the bedroom ceiling.
[Emmett laughs]
Brian Kinney: Your shot, Mikey.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, or the most tell-tell sign of all: When he meets your mother, and ah... she invites him over for dinner.
[Michael hits the cue ball right off the pool table.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Something the matter?
Michael Novotny: I lost my grip.

Justin: Guess what I got today.
Brian Kinney: A new bell for your bicycle?
Justin: A nipple ring...
[showing Brian the ring]
Brian Kinney: Every piece of trash has something stuck through their ear, and their nose, or their belly button, their cock. What makes you think I'm even remotely interested that you have a ring through your tit?

Brian Kinney: [to Michael] Don't forget about this Friday.
Justin: What's this Friday?
Brian Kinney: You're too young to know.
Justin: Tell me!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: It's just some heathen ritual called "Studs and Suds".
Justin: "Studs and Suds"? What's that?
[Brian looks over to Michael, and Michael shakes his head.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Well,
[clears throat]
Emmett Honeycutt: first, they flood the dance floor of Babylon with soap suds...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...then everyone strips down to their undies...
Emmett Honeycutt: ...Or less. And dances. Cheek to cheek...
[bumps Ted with his butt]
Justin: Sounds awesome!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: It's disgusting!
Emmett Honeycutt: See you there?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Can't wait!

Emmett Honeycutt: [someone's knocking on the door.] Woo... That must be prince charming.
[Emmett runs to the door, opens it, and finds Brian standing there.]
Emmett Honeycutt: Make that the Wicked Witch.
Michael Novotny: What are you doing here?
Brian Kinney: I'm hungry; let's go get something to eat.
Michael Novotny: I'm going to my Mom's, remember?
Brian Kinney: Oh, right, din-din with Doc. I forgot.
Michael Novotny: He's gonna be here any minute, so you better go.
Brian Kinney: [opens a box] What's this?
Michael Novotny: Chocolate Éclairs from the Big Q bakery. I bought them for dess...
Emmett Honeycutt: [Brian puts the whole bun into his mouth, in one single mouthful.] Wow, it takes years of practice, develop technique like that.
Michael Novotny: [comes over to Brian, taking over the box] Look, I know you don't like him...
Brian Kinney: Who said I don't like him? And why do you give a fuck what I think?
Emmett Honeycutt: I've been saying that for years.
Brian Kinney: What matters is what you think. If you like him, that's all that's important.
[looking at Emmett]
Brian Kinney: Even though he is... quite a bit older than you, and lives in a world you know nothing about.
Emmett Honeycutt: Shut-up!
Michael Novotny: Are you saying he's too good for me?
Brian Kinney: Nobody's too good for you, Mikey. You're better than anyone.
Michael Novotny: Because he happens to think I'm hot. You know, some people do!
Brian Kinney: Haven't I always told you that?
[kisses Michael on the lips]

Michael Novotny: [David approaches Michael with a bouquet of flowers.] Hi.
[David kisses Michael on the lips. Michael is looking at the flowers]
Michael Novotny: These are great. My Mom will love these.
Dr. David Cameron: [laughs] Hers are in the car; those are for you.
Emmett Honeycutt: [comes over to get the flowers, whispering] The second sign: flowers.
[to David]
Emmett Honeycutt: I'll just put these in some water.
Dr. David Cameron: [puzzled] Everything alright?
Brian Kinney: He's allergic to boyfriends bringing bouquets.

Brian Kinney: [talking on the phone] Six Fuller Court, corner of Tremont. Should take you... ten minutes? One for every inch!
[he hangs up; there're knocking sounds on Brian's door - he opens it, and sees Michael standing there, smiling.]
Brian Kinney: You got laid.
Michael Novotny: I did not.
Brian Kinney: Yes, you did. I can always tell. I thought you and Dave were having dinner at Deb's.
Michael Novotny: Dinner's over.
Brian Kinney: What? Did she scare him off?
Michael Novotny: Actually, she and Vic were in their best behavior.
Brian Kinney: That's even scarier. Listen, you can't stay. I've got someone coming over in approximate seven and a half inches. So... see you tomorrow at "Studs and Suds"?

Brian Kinney: [on the phone] I told you, six Fuller, Corner of Tremont. Now get your ass over here. I've got this new dildo. Nine inches long, seven inches around. I'm gonna open up your hole with it and I'm gonna fuck you so hard, your eyes'll roll back in your head.

Justin: [talking about Brian getting in an accident] Oh my god. It was my dad. I know it. When I saw his car, it was totally smashed!
Melanie: Now why would your father want to do something like that?
Justin: Because my Mom told him everything. He wants to have you arrested and send me away.
Brian Kinney: Don't be a drama princess.

"Queer as Folk: Babylon Boomerang (#1.8)" (2001)
Hotlanta: [about Justin's Jambalaya] Mmm... It's not bad. But you know what you need is an itsy-bitsy pinch of cayenne pepper. That's what'll give it that extra-special kick.
Brian: He's gonna get an extra-special kick, later. Now, you can either stand around here eating Jambalaya, or you can come upstairs and eat my *ass*!

Brian: How do I look?
Justin Taylor: Great... You always look great.

Brian: [about Justin] He's not my responsibility.
Jennifer Taylor: Oh, yeah, he is. You seduced him, you fucked him, so now he's yours. Just kindly see that he takes his allergy medicine, and does his homework and gets to school on time. And... And tell him that we love him.

Brian: What are you doing?
Justin Taylor: Huh?
Brian: What are you doing!
Justin Taylor: Uh, listening to Moby. It's really hot. So... What's up?
Brian: What's up is that you left my door unlocked. What's up is this is not a hotel room, and you are not on your "Blonde Ambition Tour". What's up is that your Mother paid me a little visit today. Finally, what's up is you're gonna take off my shirt and clean up your shit.

Brian: [to Craig Taylor] So in other words, for Justin to live here with you, he has to deny who he is... what he thinks... and how he feels.
Craig Taylor: No one asked for your opinion, Pal.
Brian: Well, that's not love. That's hate.
Craig Taylor: Get the fuck out of my house.
Brian: Justin, you coming?

Brian: [to Michael] It's not lying if they make you lie. If the only truth they can accept is their own.

[last lines]
Brian: So... What's for dinner?
Justin Taylor: Jambalaya. From last night.
Brian: It's not bad.
Justin Taylor: It's always better the second day.

"Queer as Folk: Queens of the Road (#1.10)" (2001)
[Michael has just volunteered to go to New York with Brian to find Justin]
Ted: Well, as long as the back seat's empty, I might as well be in it.
Emmett: Yeah, yeah, count me in.
Brian: Why do you guys want to go?
Emmett: Why? Why?
Ted: How can you even ask that?
Emmett: Brian, you're one of our closest friends!
Ted: We can't let you go off on this perilous journey all on your own.
Emmett: We are going to be with you all the way!
Brian: I'm touched. What's the real reason?
[Ted and Emmett look at each other and smile]
Ted, Emmett: [chanting] Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!

Brian: Justin, a word. What the fuck is going on out there?
Justin Taylor: I was just giving my friend Daphne a tour.
Brian: This is not the White House. George Washington never slept here.
Justin Taylor: He's the only one who hasn't.

Daphne Chanders: Please, I'm never getting married. I mean, why be tied down?
Brian: I love this girl.

Brian: [after all his clothes were stolen] Twelve Armani suits, four Gucci belts, and six pairs of Prada shoes, gone. You know, I'm starting to suspect gay-on-gay crime.
Lindsay Peterson: Well, I wouldn't be surprised. You've have more visitors than Disney World.

Emmett: Alright, let's sing some Barbra.
Ted: Can't do Barbra unless you've got the lyrics on the monitor.
Emmett: Bitch!
Brian: If one of you starts to sing "People", I will leave you on the side of the road without stopping.
Michael Novotny: He's not kidding.

Brian: [to Michael] So, here we are: "Brian And Mikey's Excellent Adventure".

"Queer as Folk: Tweaked-Out, Fucked-Out Crystal Queen (#3.13)" (2003)
[Hunter mistakes Justin for a hooker]
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: What are you bothering with that for? How much is he charging you?
Brian Kinney: [looking over at Justin] A hundred bucks?
Justin Taylor: Mhm. He refuses to pay though.
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: I don't blame him! I wouldn't give you 10 bucks!
Brian Kinney: [pushing Hunter out the door] Okay, I think it's time someone was tucked into bed! And not mine!

[after they found out that Hunter fucked a cop they suspect of murder]
Michael: This guy could've killed you.
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: They all could.
Michael: Well, if you know that Then why do you do it?
James 'Hunter' Montgomery: I have low self-esteem. I was sexualized at too early an age. It's exciting, fun and a great way to make non-reportable income.
Michael: I would like an honest answer, smart-Ass.
Brian Kinney: He just gave you one.

Detective Carl Horvath: What the hell is that?
Brian Kinney: Uh, this newfangled contraption is called a "condom". You wanted hard evidence. It doesn't get much harder.

Debbie Novotny: Detectiv Horvarth, out of all the places in greater pittsburgh, what brings you to our humble little establishment?
Detective Carl Horvath: I have a date.
[Brian enters]
Detective Carl Horvath: And here he is.
Debbie Novotny: What, did you convert him?
Brian Kinney: Coffee, Deb, please
Detective Carl Horvath: You were right.
Brian Kinney: Those are my three favourite words after "nine inches cut"
Debbie Novotny: About what?
Brian Kinney: Um, the cream.
Debbie Novotny: What, did it turn?
Detective Carl Horvath: It matches that found in Jason Kemp's rectum.
Debbie Novotny: For your information, i just poured it.
Detective Carl Horvath: I'm referring to a sperm sample from an officer tThis kid hunter said he saw with the victim.

"Queer as Folk: Daddy Dearest (Sonny Boy) (#1.9)" (2001)
Brian Kinney: [to Justin] Your father's an asshole who treats you like shit. He practically killed me. I say forget about him.

Brian Kinney: [to Justin] I'll tell him the truth: "These two dykes I knew wanted a kid really bad, so I jerked off into a cup".

Brian Kinney: Not even six months old, and my kid's already a drama queen.
Ted Schmidt: Well, at least you know he's yours.

Michael: David's throwing a diner party, us and two other couples, one of them are straight.
Brian Kinney: He eats with straight people?
Ted Schmidt: Ick. You never know where their hands have been.

"Queer as Folk: Accentuate the Positive (#2.9)" (2002)
Ted: I took viagra last night. It's been 18 hours and it won't go down. What am I going to do?
Emmett: Have you tried soaking it?
Lindsay: How about a cold shower?
Brian: How about scaring it?
Justin: That's hiccups.
Brian: Boo!
Ted: Thank you all for caring.
Melanie: What about something that would completely turn you off?
Brian: That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your tits.

Emmett: That was so moving! Wasn't that moving?
Brian: Like a case of dysentery.

Ted: Well, don't worry, God still loves you no matter what.
Brian: Yeah. like I give a shit what God thinks about me. He'd better be worried what I think about him.
Michael Novotny: How do you figure that?
Brian: Well, in all this cold dead universe, we're the only ones who know he exists. Without us, he's nothing.

"Queer as Folk: Surprise! (#1.11)" (2001)
[first lines]
Brian Kinney: Hey, see that guy?
[points to an old man]
Brian Kinney: He just turned thirty. That's what you're gonna look like in a couple of days, Mikey.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, don't listen to him. You look like you're ten.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, but this strange thing happens on your thirtieth. You look great the night before, but then you wake up the next morning and your ass is down to there, and your dick disappears.
Ted: Well, I'm thirty three, what does that make me!
Brian Kinney: Did you guys just hear something, like a voice from the dead?

Michael: [at his surprise party] Who are all these people?
Brian Kinney: Well, if I invited just your friends, there'd be like six people here. I had to open it up to sex partners.
Michael: I haven't slept with any of these people.
Brian Kinney: My sex partners.

Brian Kinney: Don't go yet, Mikey. You haven't even had your cake.
Michael: Fuck off.

"Queer as Folk: There's Nothing Noble About Being Poor (#3.5)" (2003)
Lindsay: Jesus Brian, you know how Stockwell feels about gay people. How could you sell your soul to the devil?
Brian: I haven't sold my soul, I'm just billing for time and expenses.

[Michael is embarrassed that Brian told his Debbie about him being unable to *perform* at the sperm bank]
Debbie Novotny: Well, don't be so hard on yourself.
Brian: I wouldn't mention "hard-on".

Brian: There's nothing noble about being poor.

"Queer as Folk: Queer, There and Everywhere (#1.2)" (2000)
Brian Kinney: [to Justin] So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?

Brian Kinney: Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk. Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.
Mr. Goodfuk: The name's George.
Brian Kinney: Sorry. George... Goodfuk.

Brian Kinney: [to Justin] Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty, little girl... and get married.

"Queer as Folk: Home Is Where the Ass Is (#2.1)" (2002)
Brian Kinney: You know, if you want to regain the agility and the strength in your hand, I suggest jerking off several times a day. It works like magic.

Michael Novotny: This is dinner?
Brian Kinney: It's just the essential elements of a healthy diet: Salt, saturated fat,alcohol.
Michael Novotny: I've never eating again. My mom practical forced-fed me to eat the entire Liberty Diner menu.
Brian Kinney: Well, who told you to eat it?
Michael Novotny: Well, what I'm suppose to do?
Brian Kinney: Say no.
Michael Novotny: You know it makes her happy.
Brian Kinney: There you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen, proof positive that making other people happy can cause nausea,severe cramps, even diarrhea.

"Queer as Folk: Just a Little Help (#4.1)" (2004)
[Justin's mom is helping Brian sell his loft]
Jennifer Taylor: It's a special place.
Brian: 'Special' as in 'unique, fabulous, one-of-a-kind' or 'special' as in 'there are schools that can teach me to dress myself'?

Justin: You and half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in your bed knowing the loft is yours.
Brian: Half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in their own beds tonight.
[kisses Justin on the cheek]

"Queer as Folk: Big Fucking Mouth (#3.9)" (2003)
Trick: Who's He?
Brian Kinney: That's a difficult question to answer given the limitations of the language, conventionality of most people's thinking... Ummm... Let's just say he's the guy I fuck more than once.
Justin: Unlike you.

Justin: Even if we do get arrested.
Brian Kinney: Uh, well... what kind of artist are you if you don't?

"Queer as Folk: A Change of Heart (#1.14)" (2001)
Justin Taylor: Here, drink this. It's a secret recipe that my alcoholic grandmother used to make.
Brian Kinney: Jesus, it smells like a dirty jockstrap.
Melanie Marcus: Well, in that case, you should like it.
Brian Kinney: The secret is, she pissed in it.
Justin Taylor: I'm just trying to help you. You know I'd do anything.
Melanie Marcus: Oh Jesus. Let's just pray the arbitrator's gay and thinks he's cute.

Brian Kinney: You know what I remember most about high school?
Michael Novotny: The time in Biology class when you beat off into a test tube for your science project?
Brian Kinney: No, food. It was always lots of food in your house
Michael Novotny: That's an Italian thing. And there was always plenty of booze at your house.
Brian Kinney: Yea, huh. That's an Irish thing.

"Queer as Folk: ...Wherever That Dream May Lead You (#2.5)" (2002)
Michael Novotny: Think I'd look good with a new haircut? I think I would, do you?
Brian Kinney: What did have you in mind?
Michael Novotny: I don't know. Maybe buzz it all off or bleach it.
Brian Kinney: That'd be cool... for two years ago. So, what's wrong?
Michael Novotny: Nothings wrong. Why you think somethin' is wrong?
Brian Kinney: Because every time when somethings wrong you wanna change you're hair.
Michael Novotny: That is so not true!
[Deb comes up with the coffee]
Brian Kinney: [to Deb] Michael's thinking about changing his hair.
Debbie Novotny: Oh God. Baby, what's wrong? Tell me.

Michael Novotny: Where have you been? You didn't come home lastnight?
Debbie Novotny: Somebody get lucky.
Emmett Honeycutt: Good for him. I spent the night at Ted's. You guys he is in deep shit trouble. We need to have an invention.
Debbie Novotny: Booze?
Brian Kinney: Crystal.
Emmett Honeycutt: Whipping the Willie.
Brian Kinney: Schmuck. He couldn't even get a decent addiction.

"Queer as Folk: The Election (#3.14)" (2003)
Brian: [to Hunter] I've lived with a mother, it's a fate worse than birth.

Justin: [after finding out that Brian spent all his money in a campaign against Stockwell] I can't believe you did this! It's so...
Brian: Noble?
Justin: Out of character!

"Queer as Folk: Hunt(Er) for Love (#3.8)" (2003)
Brian: [after Justin's been fired] You wanted to see me?
Justin: [not only talking about the job] I gave it some thought and I decided you should take me back.
Brian: Oh?
Justin: Even though I've made a few mistakes, I think you'd be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance.
Brian: I see.
Justin: 'Cause now I understand what you want it is you want of me...and I know what I can expect from you.
Brian: You also understand that you'll be required to work long...hard hours...sometimes deep into the night?
Justin: It'll be a pleasure to work under you...sir.
Brian: ...And you're *never* to play violin music in my presence again.
Justin: I promise.

Brian: What happened to the love that was going to last for an eternity?
Justin: Eternities aren't as long as they used to be.

"Queer as Folk: Drugs, Sex and Lies (#3.12)" (2003)
[in a hustler bar filled with older men]
Justin: Look at all these old guys.
Brian: Sad, isn't it?
Justin: Yeah. Some of them are even older than you are. But I guess at their age if you want it, you gotta pay for it.
Brian: Another reason to die young.
Justin: Or to accept the fact that youth and beauty are fleeting. That time will inevitably leave its mark, and that we should accept our mortality with grace and dignity.
[an old man makes eyes at Justin and winks at him. Justin looks faintly disturbed]
Justin: Until then I could really clean up in this place.

Justin: Must have been quite an elegant affair.
Brian: A long night's journey into day. You should have been there.
Justin: Uhh, yeah. I was helping Daphne study for midterms.
Brian: Twenty of Pittsburgh's hottest, horniest hunks. And Debbie.
Justin: Well, I know how much she wants to be a gay man, but is it wise to encourage her?

"Queer as Folk: The King of Babylon (#1.20)" (2001)
Michael Novotny: I'm sure he would go if I wanted him to.
Brian Kinney: Uh-huh.
Michael Novotny: It's true.
Brian Kinney: All right. Then make sure he's there.
Michael Novotny: All right, I will.
Brian Kinney: Okay.
Michael Novotny: Okay.
Brian Kinney: Great.
Michael Novotny: Fine.

Emmett Honeycutt: Only it's starting to feel perilously like a couples night,seeing as I'm the only single boy left.
Brian Kinney: 'Scuse me, what the fuck do you think I am?
Justin Taylor: [Runs up and grabs Brian's arm] Are we going to Babylon?
[Emmett bursts out laughing and Brian shoves him]
Justin Taylor: What?

"Queer as Folk: The Leper (Hath the Babe Not Eyes?) (#2.7)" (2002)
Brian: Fuck yourself.
Justin: What...?
Brian: You stupid little twat, -never- let anyone fuck you without a condom.
Justin: You're not just "anyone."
Brian: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Ben thought about the guy who infected him.

"Queer as Folk: The Wedding (#2.11)" (2002)
Brian Kinney: As usual, objectivity falls to me... Think: you don't really want me there, do you? I'd have to be chemically dependent just to show up. I'll be drunk, I'll be bored, not to mention better looking than the brides. I'll offend all the dykes. I'll heckle the ceremony. Table dance at the reception, and inevitably fuck every good looking guy - gay, straight or undecided - in the place. Finally, I'll pass out naked, bitching about the cheap booze. You'll lose your dignity, friends and shirts paying for the damages. Hell! I'm doing you a favor getting out of town.

"Queer as Folk: Move It or Lose It (#1.12)" (2001)
Brian Kinney: Meet my latest trick.
[the camera zooms down, so a a teddy bear dressed up in a leather is visible]
Melanie Marcus: I didn't know you were into bears. I thought you preferred the young, hairless, not-admitted-without-a-parent-or-guardian type.

"Queer as Folk: Poster May Lead to the Truth (#3.11)" (2003)
Brian Kinney: Go kiss some hands. Shake some babies.

"Queer as Folk: Stop Hurting Us (#3.7)" (2003)
Brian: [Emmett has come to beg Brian to help Ted] You might have called first.
Emmett: If I had, you would've been in a meeting, right? So, this is the inner sanctum of the great god Kinney. Where men's fates are decided.
Brian: What, did Theodore send you down here to throw yourself on my mercy?
Emmett: He has no idea I'm here, and I have no intention of throwing myself at your mercy, or anything else for that matter.
Brian: What a relief! I can come out from behind the desk!
[walks to door and opens it]
Emmett: You realize, of course, there's a very good chance he'll go to jail.
Brian: Well tell him to look on the bright side. At least he'll get fucked regularly.
Emmett: [walks to the door and closes it again] I suppose that's meant to be witty. We all know about your charming sense of humour but we also know that deep down, you care about us, even though you'd never admit it. Which is why I've come...
Brian: I've already told Ted there's nothing I can do...
Emmett: I know what you told him. I also know what you think about Teddy and me, that we're just a couple of silly queens setting up house, that it'll never work. Well, there was a time when I would've thought exactly the same thing. But miracle of miracles, I have never been happier in my entire life. And you want to know why? Because he gives me love, and respect. And now it is my turn to give him something back. Now I swore to myself this wasn't going to wind up an old Lana turner movie, but it looks like that's the direction it's headed, so I'm going to make Lana proud. Please, Brian I am begging you. Help him.

"Queer as Folk: Mad Dog Kinney (#3.1)" (2003)
Lindsay: [discussing Justin leaving] Well, it's not just me, it's everyone. The way you treated him. Refusing to make even the slightest romantic gesture. It's no wonder he found someone else. However, it's not too late.
Brian: For what?
Lindsay: To get him back.
[Brian rolls his eyes at her]
Lindsay: Oh, don't give me that fucking superior sneer. All you have to do is tell him you love him. It's not too much to ask. A small sacrifice.
Brian: And then we could be a happy couple. Like you and Melanie. Or Mikey and the professor. Or, God help us, Ted and Emmett.

"Queer as Folk: Starting a Whole New Life (#4.3)" (2004)
Justin: The Pink Posse. We're protecting Liberty Avenue from homophobes. In case you weren't aware, there was a bashing.
Jennifer Taylor: I'm perfectly aware! I'm also aware that you were bashed!
Justin: All the more reason!
Jennifer Taylor: To put yourself at risk? Haven't you been through enough?
Justin: [yells] Don't fucking tell me what to do!
Brian: Hey, take it easy, Timberlake!

"Queer as Folk: The Ties That Bind (#1.15)" (2001)
Brian Kinney: Gus just puked all over me.
Justin Taylor: Babies do that.
Brian Kinney: All over my favorite leather jacket.
Vic: [looking at Gus] A fashion critic already.

"Queer as Folk: Excluding and Abstemiousness (#5.5)" (2005)
Brian: You may have found the needle but locating the haystack's gonna be a bitch.

"Queer as Folk: Rage Against This Machine (#2.15)" (2002)
Brian Kinney: Give me a minute between rounds, then you can have a go at me.
Debbie: Article 14 of the Supermom handbook, says no kicking assholes when they're down, they'd take away my halo.
Brian Kinney: I'm not an asshole, I'm just drawn that way.
Debbie: I'm sorry to disagree with you, kiddo, but this time the likeness is accurate.
Brian Kinney: I thought you weren't going to beat me up?
Debbie: Let me finish. But I understand, because you're jealous.
Brian Kinney: I don't do jealous. Jealous is for lesbians.
Debbie: Well, then you'd better start liking pussy, because you've got a little green-eyed monster inside you that is eating your gut.
Brian Kinney: You mean that's not the coffee?
Debbie: I figure you'd have some smart ass remark and deny your feelings as always, but you don't fool me. Because if you didn't love them as much as you do, you wouldn't give a shit that they're spending time together and sharing something you're not a part of. What you don't get is, they feel the same way about you, even more so. They worship the ground you walk on, or can't you see it? You're their fucking hero. At least you were.

"Queer as Folk: Fuckin' Revenge (#5.11)" (2005)
Brian: You won't marry me. Who could blame you? I am, without a doubt, the worst candidate for marriage alive. But, conversely, that's also the reason that I'm the best candidate.
Justin: And how's that?
Brian: Because as strongly as I was opposed to the idea, now that I'm behind it, I am as fervently and passionately committed.
Justin: Uh-huh. And what changed your mind?
Brian: I finally thought of one good reason to do it.
Justin: And what is that one good reason?
Brian: To prove to the person that I love how much I love him. That I would give anything, I would do anything, I'd be anything... to make him happy.
Justin: You're fucking unbelievable.
Brian: It's true. I am.
Justin: You, you bought this. You bought this palace.
Brian: It's for my prince. I'm also selling the loft, and the club.
Justin: Without even knowing what my answer would be?
Brian: I'm taking a chance on love.
Justin: ...Then you mean it.
Brian: I've never meant anything more.
Justin: Ok.
Brian: Ok?
Justin: Let's do it.
Brian: Say it.
Justin: Yes!
Brian: Yes what?
Justin: Yes. Yes, I will marry you. I will marry you.
[they kiss, then Brian pulls away]
Justin: What? Don't tell me you're already having second thoughts.
Brian: Not one.

"Queer as Folk: Hypocrisy: Don't Do It (#2.3)" (2002)
Brian: I'm suing the motherfucker.
Michael: Take it easy, Brian.
Brian: He said I'm thirty-one! ...I'm thirty.

"Queer as Folk: Good Grief! (#1.19)" (2001)
Brian Kinney: [He throws his deceased fathers bowling ball down a street, the ball disappears in the fog] So long, Jack! You son of a bitch.

"Queer as Folk: Brat-Sitting (#3.4)" (2003)
Joan Kinney: It's what happens when you turn your back on the Lord.
Brian Kinney: Fuck the lord. And fuck you!

"Queer as Folk: Escalating Violence (#4.4)" (2004)
Brian: Listen to me! Are you listening?
Ted: I'm listening.
Brian: You may be a pathetic drug addict who's lost everything; your dignity, your livelihood, your lover, your good name, the respect and trust of everyone you know...
Ted: No one gives a pep talk like you, Brian!

"Queer as Folk: The Dangers of Sex and Drugs (#2.14)" (2002)
[Brian, Micheal, and Ted are getting pulled over by the police]
Ted: Do you have anything on you?
Brian: Yeah, sixteen pounds of cocaine and twenty-four ounces of heroin.
Ted: This is no time to be funny!
Brian: Who's being funny?

"Queer as Folk: Bowling for Equality (#2.19)" (2002)
Brian: Heteros one... Homos nothing.