Dr. Mary Albright
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Quotes for
Dr. Mary Albright (Character)
from "3rd Rock from the Sun" (1996)

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"3rd Rock from the Sun: Dick's First Birthday (#1.3)" (1996)
Dr. Mary Albright: If we're over the hill, we might as well enjoy the ride down.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Thank you for saying we.
Dr. Mary Albright: It just slipped out.

Dr. Dick Solomon: You know, the light of the moon is so magical. It shows me what you must have looked like so many years ago.
Dr. Mary Albright: That was - almost beautiful.

Dr. Mary Albright: I think grey hair makes you look distinguished.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Thank you. I think you would look distinguished with grey hair.
Dr. Mary Albright: I don't think so. Men look distinguished with grey hair. Women just look old.
Dr. Dick Solomon: When women get breasts, they look sexy. When men get breasts, they look old.
Dr. Mary Albright: Good point! How old are you?
Dr. Dick Solomon: How old are you?
Dr. Mary Albright: You first.
Dr. Dick Solomon: No, you first.
Dr. Mary Albright: You.
Dr. Dick Solomon: [pauses for a moment] 42.
Dr. Mary Albright: Me, too!

Dr. Mary Albright: [Dick is smitten with a new co-ed] Oh, will you act your age?
Dr. Dick Solomon: What does my age have to do with it?
Dr. Mary Albright: Like you didn't know.
Dr. Dick Solomon: I don't know.
Dr. Mary Albright: Well, I do.
Dr. Dick Solomon: What are we talking about?
Dr. Mary Albright: All I know is that when I was Laurie's age, I did not appreciate having middle-aged men fawn over me.
Dr. Dick Solomon: [surprised] You were once her age?
Dr. Mary Albright: Yes, believe it or not.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Very well. Not it is.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: The Dicks They Are A-Changin' (#1.14)" (1996)
Dr. Mary Albright: ['60s flashback; to Manny Rosenberg] You're an inspiration to all Neo-Trotskyite Anti-Stalinist Marxists.
Dr. Dick Solomon: ["Manny"] You're pretty tuned in for a bourgeoise chick.

Dr. Mary Albright: This isn't a joint. It's a frozen French fry.

Dr. Mary Albright: [talking about the '60s] You wouldn't believe it to look at me now, but back then, I was a wild woman. If I wanted to do something, I just did it. Did you ever drop acid?
Dr. Dick Solomon: [lying] Oh, constantly.
Dr. Mary Albright: You did a lot of tripping?
Dr. Dick Solomon: That's how I dropped the acid.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Brains and Eggs (#1.1)" (1996)
Dr. Mary Albright: For future reference: I have a red Volvo.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Please, Dr. Albright, we barely know each other.

Dr. Mary Albright: This is a small office and you are behaving like a big hose-monkey.
Dr. Dick Solomon: You're not so bad yourself, woman.

Dr. Mary Albright: You have an impressive résumé.
Dr. Dick Solomon: I am the high commander.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Post-Nasal Dick (#1.2)" (1996)
Dr. Dick Solomon: Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world.
Dr. Mary Albright: And this is news?

Priest at the wedding: We are gathered here, before God...
Dr. Dick Solomon: Now, which one of those guys is God?
Dr. Mary Albright: Will you be quiet?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Okay, but be sure to introduce me later, because I want some answers.

[Dick is clutching a toaster at the wedding]
Dr. Mary Albright: Where did you get that?
Dr. Dick Solomon: It was in the room full of prizes.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Just Your Average Dick (#3.22)" (1998)
Dr. Mary Albright: You and your family. I know you mean well, but sometimes it's like being around the Addams Family.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, I admit John Adams' views of a strong central government may have been ahead of their time.
Dr. Mary Albright: That's not who I meant!
Dr. Dick Solomon: John *Quincy* Adams? You're comparing me to that freak show?

[Dick enters the office, soaking wet]
Dr. Dick Solomon: Damn that Channel 9 weatherman!
Dr. Mary Albright: What? It's not raining outside.
Dr. Dick Solomon: No, I cut through his yard and the sprinklers went off.
[Nina enters and sees that Dick is wet]
Nina Campbell: Car wash again?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Do you see any soap?

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Frozen Dick (#1.12)" (1996)
[Dick is entering the storage bins on the airplane]
Dr. Mary Albright: What are you doing?
Dr. Dick Solomon: I'm entering the pod.

Dr. Mary Albright: He's an idiot.
Waitress: Honey, they're all idiots. But that one's looking at you like you're the only girl on Earth. And although you're real pretty, you're not exactly the last ham sandwich in Hungry Town, if you get my drift.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Truth or Dick (#1.10)" (1996)
Dr. Dick Solomon: The truth is, you're delightful. I love looking at you. I don't know what it is about tonight. Maybe it's the wine, maybe it's the way the light hits your eyes - but you look puffy you should go home and sleep.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Is that better?
Dr. Mary Albright: Sadly, yes.

Dr. Mary Albright: [outraged at Dick's behavior when he substituted for her at a faculty meeting] All you had to do was show up and feign interest.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Feign? I will not be a party to feigning. I always tell the complete truth.
Dr. Mary Albright: Truth? Then I will be *brutally* frank.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Good. I'll be Genuine Dick.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Dick Is from Mars, Sally Is from Venus (#1.4)" (1996)
Nina Campbell: Sally's date. Start talking.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, what can I say? In her own words, it was wonderful.
Nina Campbell, Dr. Mary Albright: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Dick Solomon: She over ate, and he found her charming.
Nina Campbell, Dr. Mary Albright: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Dick Solomon: In fact, he's going to call her.
Nina Campbell, Dr. Mary Albright: [looks at each other] Hmm.
Dr. Dick Solomon: What?

Dr. Mary Albright: Trouble at home?
Dr. Dick Solomon: No. Why would you say that?
Dr. Mary Albright: He didn't call did he?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Not yet.
Dr. Mary Albright, Nina Campbell: Hmm.
Dr. Dick Solomon: I just wish Sally had some woman friends to turn to.
Dr. Mary Albright: Are you asking for my help?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Are you offering it?
Dr. Mary Albright: How can I be offering if I don't know what you're asking?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Why would I be asking? I don't need help.
Dr. Mary Albright: Fine. Then I'm not offering.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Fine with me.
Dr. Mary Albright: You can't say it can you?
Dr. Dick Solomon: HELP ME! I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see her like this.
Dr. Mary Albright: There, that wasn't so hard.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Then you'll help?
Dr. Mary Albright: No.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Ab-dick-ted (#1.9)" (1996)
Dr. Dick Solomon: So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?
Dr. Mary Albright: Yeah.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?
Dr. Mary Albright: Yeah, even then.

Dr. Mary Albright: Oh, sure! Aliens traveled billions of lightyears across space just to ram a probe up Roy Albright's butt!

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Dick the Vote (#2.6)" (1996)
Dr. Mary Albright: OK... Let's move on to the candidates... this should be a "NO-BRAINER" city council District 9 HARRY SOLOMON!
Dr. Dick Solomon: YEAHHHH...
Dr. Mary Albright: WHAT? Don't tell me you're voting for GANSMILLER!
Dr. Dick Solomon: Don't tell me you're voting for HARRY!
Dr. Mary Albright: Well YES I'm voting for Harry!
Dr. Dick Solomon: Then you're voting WRONG!
Dr. Mary Albright: There's no such THING as "VOTING WRONG"!
Dr. Dick Solomon: YES! THERE IS! You're doing it! You're making a MOCKERY of this WHOLE ELECTION by voting wrong!
Dr. Mary Albright: It's MY VOTE I get to use it ANY WAY I want!
Dr. Dick Solomon: What's the point of having a DEMOCRACY if people go around voting WRONG?
Dr. Mary Albright: In my opinion democracy is doing JUST FINE the way it IS!
Dr. Dick Solomon: Then your OPINION is WRONG!

Dr. Dick Solomon: I have only 2 choices for city council! A professional LIAR and my brother the JOKE! Neither of them should even be RUNNING FOR OFFICE! THERE IS NO CHOICE! My only choice is not to vote at ALL! Democracy is HORRIBLE! ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE!
Dr. Mary Albright: You're SO RIGHT! Democracy is the WORST form of government there IS... except for ALL of the others! And that is EXACTLY why you have to vote!
Dr. Dick Solomon: NO!
Dr. Mary Albright: YES!
Dr. Dick Solomon: NOOOO!
Dr. Mary Albright: YEESSSSS!
Dr. Mary Albright: If you DON'T VOTE you can't complain
Dr. Dick Solomon: Complaining is all I have LEFT!

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Auto Erodicka (#3.17)" (1998)
Dr. Mary Albright: I saw the most romantic movie last night. 'Man, Woman, Bed, Cake'. It's a German art film, very riveting - once you figure out which character is male and which character is female.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Dick and the Other Guy (#3.23)" (1998)
[Mary has just tasted food Dick's rival Dr. Neesam made]
Dr. Mary Albright: This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Once again I come second.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Charitable Dick (#5.8)" (1999)
Tommy Solomon: Hey Albright. What's with the cape?
Dr. Mary Albright: Why? Too much?
Tommy Solomon: Well not if you're fighting crime.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Dick Solomon of the Indiana Solomons (#4.11)" (1999)
Dr. Dick Solomon: You can't go home again. So much for family, and brotherhood, and 'Home is where the heart is.' What a bunch of crap!
Dr. Mary Albright: Now you know where I've been coming from. You go home for the holidays, you see that beautiful Christmas tree in the window, everything looks so idyllic, and all of a sudden, there's your mother, swinging a 5-iron at your father's head, and the tree's in the egg nog.
Dr. Dick Solomon: How do you deal with it?
Dr. Mary Albright: I repress. Repression is the key to a happy family.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: The Physics of Being Dick (#3.21)" (1998)
Dr. Mary Albright: [in the bar, after Mary's disastrous talk] Line 'em up, Harry. Five martinis.
Nina: No, Harry. Dr Albright, we should take you home now.
Dr. Mary Albright: No, Nina. I have brain cells that will remember this evening, and I want them *destroyed!*
Sally: Hey, Dr Albright, how did your talk go?
Dr. Mary Albright: [livid] How did my talk go. Let's see. First of all, the Bolivians were highly amused when I confused the name of their president with the word for 'kayak'. But they stopped laughing when, in their native tongue, I welcomed them to my... 'womany place', and told them...
Dr. Mary Albright: [she shouts the rest with wild hand gestures] ... I told them there was room for everyone!

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 1 (#3.1)" (1997)
Dr. Mary Albright: Dick, are you all right?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Oh, no, Mary. I had another one of those horrible dreams!
Dr. Mary Albright: Well, what happened?
Dr. Dick Solomon: We were getting married.
Dr. Mary Albright: Thank you.
Dr. Dick Solomon: No, no, that was the good part. But then my family showed up.
Dr. Mary Albright: Oh. Don't tell me. They objected.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, they had issues.
Dr. Mary Albright: It's all right. I've prepared a short speech just in case they did. It's just basically two words, and one of them's "off."

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Citizen Solomon (#4.19)" (1999)
Dr. Mary Albright: [after Dick hired her maid Kathy full time] What? You don't do that! You don't steal somebody's maid!
Nina Campbell: You stole her from Judith.
Dr. Mary Albright: I did not steal her. I lured her with money.
[to Dick]
Dr. Mary Albright: Give me back my maid!
Dr. Dick Solomon: I'm sorry, Mary. But Kathy is not some product to be bought or sold on the open market. She is a living breathing human being with feelings, thoughts and emotions. You don't *own* her!
Dr. Dick Solomon: *I* do.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: The Tooth Harry (#3.26)" (1998)
Dr. Mary Albright: [Watching the promotional video] Those are my lines!
Dr. Dick Solomon: They cut us out!
Dr. Mary Albright: Judith!
Dr. Dick Solomon: Judith that back stabbing, scene stealing bitch!
Dr. Mary Albright: I understand why they cut you out, you were sabotaging the entire project but me?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Yes, how dare they cut out the
[in an English accent]
Dr. Dick Solomon: bloody Queen of England!

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Hotel Dick (#2.3)" (1996)
Dr. Dick Solomon: Mary?
Dr. Mary Albright: I'm not Mary. I'm Uma from the planet Thurman.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 2 (#3.2)" (1997)
Dr. Dick Solomon: So, I guess there's no way you would ever marry me.
Dr. Mary Albright: Dick, right now there's no way I'd even carpool with you.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Well... what if your car breaks down?
Dr. Mary Albright: I'd rent.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Well - there are no cars available.
Dr. Mary Albright: I'd walk.
Dr. Dick Solomon: What? In the worst snow storm in 50 years?
Dr. Mary Albright: I'd take a bus.
Dr. Dick Solomon: [harrumph] You would never take a bus!
Dr. Mary Albright: You're right. *Then* I'd carpool with you.
[Dick exits, expressing his usual smug swagger of vindication]

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Dick for Tat (#5.2)" (1999)
Dr. Mary Albright: I am so hungover!
Dr. Dick Solomon: Oh well, Mary, that's just nature's way of telling you what a tramp you are.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Les Liaisons Dickgereuses (#6.1)" (2000)
[first lines]
Dr. Mary Albright: [looking out of the window] There. Right there. That's where they're putting it. Unbelievable!
Nina Campbell: I know. How dare they attach the new wing of the museum onto the rest of the museum?

"3rd Rock from the Sun: The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary (#5.9)" (2000)
Sally Solomon: [to Mary] Dad's a great guy, you'd love to meet him.
Dr. Mary Albright: Dick, you told me your father was dead.
Dr. Dick Solomon: She meant you'd like his corpse.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Dick and the Single Girl (#2.24)" (1997)
Dr. Mary Albright: A man and a woman cannot connect intellectually without eventually connecting... with their connectors.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Are you saying that just because Sonja and I share the same intellectual interests, we're destined to share the same bed?
Dr. Mary Albright: Yes.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, that's ridiculous! Sonja's far too intelligent to have sex with me!

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Sally Forth (#4.13)" (1999)
Dr. Mary Albright: OK, let's get right to it: ya stink, ya need to wash.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Showers are the opiate of the fragrant, Mary.

"3rd Rock from the Sun: Dick Puts the 'Id' in Cupid (#5.11)" (2000)
Dr. Mary Albright: I can't believe this.
Dr. Dick Solomon: What do you mean?
Dr. Mary Albright: People don't do this. People don't look at other people's psychological files to get gift ideas!

"3rd Rock from the Sun: See Dick Run (#1.20)" (1996)
Dr. Mary Albright: I understand. You've had the milk, why buy the cow?
Dr. Dick Solomon: No, Mary. I want you! I want the cow!