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: Mr. Falco, let it be said at once, is a man of 40 faces, not one - none too pretty, and all deceptive. You see that grin? That's the, eh, that's the Charming Street Urchin face. It's part of his helpless act: he throws himself upon your mercy. He's got a half-dozen faces for the ladies. But the one I like, the really cute one, is the quick, dependable chap. Nothing he won't do for you in a pinch - so he says. Mr. Falco, whom I did not invite to sit at this table tonight, is a hungry press agent, and fully up to all the tricks of his very slimy trade.
[Pulls out an unlit cigarette and faces Falco
] J.J. Hunsecker
: Match me, Sidney. Sidney Falco
: Not right this minute, J.J.
: What's this boy got that Susie likes? Sidney Falco
: Integrity - acute, like indigestion. J.J. Hunsecker
: What does that mean - integrity? Sidney Falco
: A pocket fulla firecrackers - looking for a match!
] Sidney Falco
: It's a new wrinkle, to tell the truth... I never thought I'd make a killing on some guy's "integrity."
: Watch me run a 50-yard dash with my legs cut off!
: But Sidney, you make a living. Where do you want to get? Sidney Falco
: Way up high, Sam, where it's always balmy. Where no one snaps his fingers and says, "Hey, Shrimp, rack the balls!" Or, "Hey, mouse, mouse, go out and buy me a pack of butts." I don't want tips from the kitty. I'm in the big game with the big players. My experience I can give you in a nutshell, and I didn't dream it in a dream, either - dog eat dog. In brief, from now on, the best of everything is good enough for me.
: He thinks J.J.'s some kind of a monster... Susan Hunsecker
: Don't you? Sidney Falco
: Susie, J.J. happens to be one of my very best friends! Susan Hunsecker
: I know. But someday I'd like to look into your clever little mind and see what you really think of him. Sidney Falco
: Where do you come off, making a remark like that? Susan Hunsecker
: Who could love a man who makes you jump through burning hoops like a trained poodle?
: If I'm gonna go out on a limb for you, you gotta know what's involved! J.J. Hunsecker
: My right hand hasn't seen my left hand in thirty years.
: Maybe I left my sense of humor in my other suit.
: The cat's in the bag and the bag's in the river.
: Sure, the columnists can't do without us, except our good and great friend J.J. forgets to mention that. You see, we furnish him with items. J.J. Hunsecker
: What, some cheap, gruesome gags? Sidney Falco
: You print 'em, don't ya? J.J. Hunsecker
: Yes, with your clients' names attached. That's the only reason the poor slobs pay you - to see their names in my column all over the world. Now, I make it out, you're doing *me* a favor?... The day I can't get along without a press agents' handouts, I'll close up shop and move to Alaska, lock, stock, and barrel.
: Every dog will have his day.
: Don't do anything I wouldn't do! That gives you a lot of leeway...
: A press agent eats a columnist's dirt and is expected to call it manna.
: I can't think of a good reason why I should print anything you give me. I can't even think of a *bad* reason. Sidney Falco
: [eyeing a pin-up
] Suppose I introduce you to a... a lovely reason... who's both good *and* bad... and available? Otis Elwell
] I'm not an unreasonable man.
: If it's true, J.J.'s gonna hit the ceiling. Sidney Falco
: Can it be news to you that J.J.'s ceiling needs a new plaster job every six weeks?
: [to Susan
] Start thinking with your head instead of your hips.
] Sidney Falco
: Uh - by the way, I got nothing against women thinking with their hips. That's their nature. Just like it's a *man's* nature to go out and hustle and get the things he wants.
: Do you believe in capital punishment, Senator? Sen. Harvey Walker
] Why? Sidney Falco
: [pointing to the phone
] A man has just been sentenced to death.
: Kill me, push me through a window somewhere! I walked into this hallowed ground without knocking!
: I am tasting my favorite new perfume - success!
: Yes, Sidney. You sound happy, Sidney. Why should you be happy when I'm not? How do you spell Picasso, the painter? One S or two? Sidney Falco
: Where do you want to get? Sidney Falco
: Way up high, Sal, where the air is balmy.
: You're walking around blind, Frank, without a cane.
: Dallas, your mouth is as big as a basket and twice as empty!
: If you're funny, Walter, I'm a pretzel! Drop dead!
: You know, Susie, I've heard this woman-talk before. Why don't ya start growin' up, huh? Start thinking with your head instead of your hips. Uh, by the way... I got nothing against women thinking with their hips. That's their nature. Just like it's a man's nature to go out and hustle and get the things he wants. Susie, look at yourself. You're 19 years old. Just a kid, and you're falling apart at the seams. You tiptoe around on those bird legs of yours, nervous and incompetent with a fatality for doing wrong, picking wrong... and giving up even before you start a fight! Wait a minute. It's the truth, and the truth hurts. Come around some night when I'm not writin' your brother's column... and I'll revise that delicate outlook of life. To give credit where credit is due, Susie... that body of yours deserves a better fate than tumbling off some terrace. Susie... a bed is the best friend a girl ever had. Pleasant dreams.