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: Mr. Falco, let it be said at once, is a man of 40 faces, not one - none too pretty, and all deceptive. You see that grin? That's the, eh, that's the Charming Street Urchin face. It's part of his helpless act: he throws himself upon your mercy. He's got a half-dozen faces for the ladies. But the one I like, the really cute one, is the quick, dependable chap. Nothing he won't do for you in a pinch - so he says. Mr. Falco, whom I did not invite to sit at this table tonight, is a hungry press agent, and fully up to all the tricks of his very slimy trade.
[Pulls out an unlit cigarette and faces Falco
] J.J. Hunsecker
: Match me, Sidney. Sidney Falco
: Not right this minute, J.J.
: What's this boy got that Susie likes? Sidney Falco
: Integrity - acute, like indigestion. J.J. Hunsecker
: What does that mean - integrity? Sidney Falco
: A pocket fulla firecrackers - looking for a match!
] Sidney Falco
: It's a new wrinkle, to tell the truth... I never thought I'd make a killing on some guy's "integrity."
: Watch me run a 50-yard dash with my legs cut off!
: But Sidney, you make a living. Where do you want to get? Sidney Falco
: Way up high, Sam, where it's always balmy. Where no one snaps his fingers and says, "Hey, Shrimp, rack the balls!" Or, "Hey, mouse, mouse, go out and buy me a pack of butts." I don't want tips from the kitty. I'm in the big game with the big players. My experience I can give you in a nutshell, and I didn't dream it in a dream, either - dog eat dog. In brief, from now on, the best of everything is good enough for me.
: He thinks J.J.'s some kind of a monster... Susan Hunsecker
: Don't you? Sidney Falco
: Susie, J.J. happens to be one of my very best friends! Susan Hunsecker
: I know. But someday I'd like to look into your clever little mind and see what you really think of him. Sidney Falco
: Where do you come off, making a remark like that? Susan Hunsecker
: Who could love a man who makes you jump through burning hoops like a trained poodle?
: If I'm gonna go out on a limb for you, you gotta know what's involved! J.J. Hunsecker
: My right hand hasn't seen my left hand in thirty years.
: Maybe I left my sense of humor in my other suit.
: The cat's in the bag and the bag's in the river.
: Sure, the columnists can't do without us, except our good and great friend J.J. forgets to mention that. You see, we furnish him with items. J.J. Hunsecker
: What, some cheap, gruesome gags? Sidney Falco
: You print 'em, don't ya? J.J. Hunsecker
: Yes, with your clients' names attached. That's the only reason the poor slobs pay you - to see their names in my column all over the world. Now, I make it out, you're doing *me* a favor?... The day I can't get along without a press agents' handouts, I'll close up shop and move to Alaska, lock, stock, and barrel.
: Every dog will have his day.
: Don't do anything I wouldn't do! That gives you a lot of leeway...
: A press agent eats a columnist's dirt and is expected to call it manna.
: I can't think of a good reason why I should print anything you give me. I can't even think of a *bad* reason. Sidney Falco
: [eyeing a pin-up
] Suppose I introduce you to a... a lovely reason... who's both good *and* bad... and available? Otis Elwell
] I'm not an unreasonable man.
: If it's true, J.J.'s gonna hit the ceiling. Sidney Falco
: Can it be news to you that J.J.'s ceiling needs a new plaster job every six weeks?
: [to Susan
] Start thinking with your head instead of your hips.
] Sidney Falco
: Uh - by the way, I got nothing against women thinking with their hips. That's their nature. Just like it's a *man's* nature to go out and hustle and get the things he wants.
: Do you believe in capital punishment, Senator? Sen. Harvey Walker
] Why? Sidney Falco
: [pointing to the phone
] A man has just been sentenced to death.
: Kill me, push me through a window somewhere! I walked into this hallowed ground without knocking!
: I am tasting my favorite new perfume - success!
: Yes, Sidney. You sound happy, Sidney. Why should you be happy when I'm not? How do you spell Picasso, the painter? One S or two? Sidney Falco
: Where do you want to get? Sidney Falco
: Way up high, Sal, where the air is balmy.
: You're walking around blind, Frank, without a cane.
: Dallas, your mouth is as big as a basket and twice as empty!
: If you're funny, Walter, I'm a pretzel! Drop dead!