Doris Schwartz
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Quotes for
Doris Schwartz (Character)
from "Fame" (1982)

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"Fame: Relationships (#2.13)" (1983)
Doris Schwartz: [quoting Bruno] 'Haven't I seen you somewhere before?' That line was invented before birth control.

Doris Schwartz: Who was your first friend when you first came to school here?
Julie Miller: Montgomery.
Doris Schwartz: After him.
Julie Miller: You.
Doris Schwartz: Who showed you the subways?
Julie Miller: You.
Doris Schwartz: Introduced you to Bloomingdales?
Julie Miller: You.
Doris Schwartz: Chocolate covered champagne truffles?
Julie Miller: You.
Doris Schwartz: Miller, there is a debt here. Now you owe me, and it's time for the bill to be paid.

Julie Miller: [angry] I'd like to slap the hell out of you!
Doris Schwartz: Julie, you said the 'H' word.

Julie Miller: There's no accounting for taste, but all he did all night was pump me about you!
Doris Schwartz: [realizing what this means] Swear on your cello that what you just said was the truth.

Doris Schwartz: I'm gonna need to talk to your agent.
Will: Why, what for?
Doris Schwartz: Well, because I have a contract I want you to sign and he'll probably wanna look at it, you know how agents are.
Will: Oh yeah? What's this contract gonna say, huh?
Doris Schwartz: That for the rest of our lives, no matter where we are, or what we're doing, if one of us needs the other one, we'll always be there for each other.

[last lines]
Doris Schwartz: Meteor Madness.

"Fame: Not in Kansas Anymore (#2.19)" (1983)
The Good Witch of the South: Well you said you wanted to be in the show and there's only one person who can help you there...
Doris: Who?
The Good Witch of the South: The Wizard of Shorofsky.
Doris: The Wizard of Shorofsky?
The Good Witch of the South: Yes, we call him Oz for short. And he lives in the Kingdom of Auditorium.

Scarecrow: Wake up Dorothy!
Doris: The name's Doris.
Scarecrow: Told you I was dumb.

Doris: We're in Fast Food Jungle. It's the Wicked Witch's way of getting us to forget about the Yellow Brick Road. Don't touch any of this! It's all bad for you.

Doris: [the Wizard asks his assistant to wipe his glasses] Guess we kind of got to you , huh?
The Wizard of Shorofsky: No, but I think I'm allergic to that dog out there.

Doris Schwartz: [Doris has been replaced in the show] Mr. Shorofsky, can't you do something?
Mr. Benjamin Shorofsky: Sorry, Cookie.

"Fame: Break Dance (#3.8)" (1983)
Holly Laird: [holding up a necklace Doris received with a love letter] I'm not sure... but I think that's a tooth. A human tooth.
Danny Amatullo: Yeah, that's Snake's. He got it knocked out during a fight.
Doris Schwartz: Oh, it's Snake's. In that case we know it's not a human tooth.
Holly Laird: That's disgusting.

Doris Schwartz: Danny, I want you to get this sub-human to leave me alone.
Danny Amatullo: Hey, I'd have to have ravioli for brains to tell Snake what to do.

Doris Schwartz: [about Snake] When I look at him, my stomach turns into acid rain.

Snake: Doris, I want to know: I'm not gonna give up, ok? 'Cause then I know you'd lose respect for me.
Doris Schwartz: Yeah, and we wouldn't want that to happen, would we?
[Snake doesn't get her sarcasm and laughs]

"Fame: Homecoming (#2.11)" (1982)
Julie Miller: I don't want you to be upset.
Doris Schwartz: Julie, nobody wants to be upset. What I wanna be is tall, thin, gorgeous with enormous breasts, no brains and a very promising career. What I am, however, is upset.

Mr. Schwartz: It smells delicious. Last time I got a meal like this, it cost me 16 boxes of Girl Scout cookies.
Doris Schwartz: Well, it isn't gonna cost you anything. Except maybe a little pride. So dig in.
Mr. Schwartz: [mock searching his pockets] I better see if I can afford it, pride is expensive these days.

Doris Schwartz: Dad, do you know what Saturday is?
Mr. Schwartz: Anybody knows that. Saturday is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Doris Schwartz: If I asked you to give me a hug, a fatherly hug, what would you say?
Angelo Martelli: I wouldn't say a thing.
[opens his arms]

"Fame: Appearances (#3.12)" (1984)
Marya: Who said there was a problem with my audition?
Doris Schwartz: Well, if this is how you act when things run smoothly, I don't think I wanna be in the same country when you blow a gig.
Marya: That's fine with me.

Doris Schwartz: Where are you in such a hurry to?
Holly Laird: [polishing an apple] Nowhere special.
Doris Schwartz: [moving closer] Could it be the rehearsal of 'The Hunk-Monster meets Pure as Driven Snow?
Holly Laird: Yeah, maybe.

Holly Laird: Look, if anything was gonna happen like that between Chris and me, it would have happened by now.
Doris Schwartz: Since when does lust ever arrive on schedule?

"Fame: And the Winner Is.... (#2.1)" (1982)
Doris Schwartz: Darling, when people talk, Doris Schwartz listens.

Doris Schwartz: Dwight, I'd offer you my body, but this is the library and they won't let us make a scene.

Doris Schwartz: [to Bruno] Listen pal, I don't wanna depress you, but I thought I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said 'Honk if you hate Bruno.'

"Fame: Equals (#3.10)" (1984)
Doris Schwartz: You better keep that wheelchair of yours off short piers or get it equipped with pontoons, because if I'm ever standing in back of you I'm not sure honestly what I'll do.

Doris Schwartz: You know, I really thought we were friends...
Bruno Martelli: What makes you think we're not friends?
Doris Schwartz: Well, a friend would have called me up and said: Hey Schwartz, get right down here, we got a piano player who makes Tom Selleck look like Mr. Patato Head. Get your buns down to Caruso and embarrass yourself. Buy did such a call come?

"Fame: Sheer Will (#3.17)" (1984)
Danny Amatullo: So all of you know, huh?
Leroy Johnson: We all know.
Danny Amatullo: [to Doris] I thought you promised.
Doris Schwartz: I decided I lied, so sue me.

Danny Amatullo: Let me tell you something: you guys start treating me any different then you did before, I'm gonna flatten both of you, you hear me?
Doris Schwartz: Please, I'm in a training bra as it is.

"Fame: Beginnings (#2.6)" (1982)
Doris Schwartz: [amplified by microphone] An empty keyboard is a crime against nature, Martelli.

Doris Schwartz: What, are you guys planning a revolution or something?
[Leroy and Coco give Doris a deadly serious look]
Doris Schwartz: Joke... a bad joke.
Danny Amatullo: I thought that was my territory.

"Fame: Your Own Song (#2.2)" (1982)
Danny Amatullo: Oh Doris, sophisticated one, beautiful one, friend of little animals. Come on, I gotta meet Diana in 10 minutes.
Doris Schwartz: Tell her you got laryngitis.

Doris Schwartz: Amatullo, I put the boat in the water, you can't expect me to sail it, too.

"Fame: Friendship Day (#2.18)" (1983)
Mr. Benjamin Shorofsky: You're putting a sousaphone player into a rock band?
Doris Schwartz: It's not his sousaphone I need, it's his body.
Mr. Benjamin Shorofsky: Wanting his sousaphone I can understand a little. Wanting his body...

Mrs. Berg: You should be very proud. Everything is going wonderfully well.
Doris Schwartz: Really?
Mrs. Berg: Oh, absolutely. Of course, the night is still young...

"Fame: Winners (#2.8)" (1982)
Bruno Martelli: [tries to help Doris with her diet] Look back and you'll turn into a pillar of salt.
Doris Schwartz: [turns around] As long as I have the salt, can I have the pretzels to go with it?

Doris Schwartz: [Doris is on a diet] You may have noticed that I have not asked you for a single potato chip all day long.
Bruno Martelli: Good for you.
Doris Schwartz: Is it okay if I lick out the inside of the bag when you're done?
[a beat]
Doris Schwartz: Joke.
Bruno Martelli: Lie.
Doris Schwartz: True.

"Fame: Stages (#3.16)" (1984)
Holly Laird: [sighs] There's gotta be an easier job than show business.
Doris Schwartz: Well, there's always coal mining.

Doris Schwartz: Yeah, you know, when Coco would order you'd always help her, and now you're raining all over our parade.
Bruno Martelli: [scoffs] I helped Coco, she got a job in a road company. If you guys get a job in a road company, I'll be all alone, I won't have anyone left to sing my Barry Mannilow songbook with.

"Fame: Lisa's Song (#3.14)" (1984)
Doris Schwartz: I thought you said you could handle historical drama.
Holly Laird: But we thought you were talking about 'Saint Joan', or 'Othelo', or at least something that somebody had heard of. This is dumber than disco.

Doris Schwartz: This is not a joke.
Holly Laird: Swear on your Barbra Streisand autograph.
Doris Schwartz: [holds up her hand] I swear.
Holly Laird: [convinced] She saw what she says she saw.

"Fame: The Crazies (#1.11)" (1982)
Doris Schwartz: I've been here longer than you have, Mr. Crandall.
[a beat]
Doris Schwartz: I've been here longer than the furnace, for heavens sake.

Doris Schwartz: I'm gonna have to apologies to half the western hemisphere!
Bruno Martelli: No... only those people with names that begin with a letter of the alphabet.

"Fame: ...Help from My Friends (#2.21)" (1983)
Coco Hernandez: Because suicide goes against what I believe about the universe.
Doris Schwartz: Huh?
Coco Hernandez: Listen, the stars tell us what's gonna happen, and that's fate. And to me, life is like a huge dance and fate is the choreographer. Now fate gives us our own individual dance. But we choose how to dance that dance. And I don't wanna interfere with the power of fate.

Doris Schwartz: It's just that everybody has these excuses for not helping out. Danny is too busy and Julie has this thing about privacy and Leroy's too stubborn and Coco is... too Coco.
Bruno Martelli: Bruno is too cautious.

"Fame: Metamorphosis (#1.1)" (1982)
Julie Miller: Looks like you've got sort of a crush on that Michael Harrison guy.
Doris Schwartz: Julie, maybe people in Grand Rapids get 'crushes'. That's not the way it is in New York City.
Julie Miller: What do they get in New York City?
Montgomery MacNeil: Herpes, mostly.

"Fame: Feelings (#2.3)" (1982)
Coco Hernandez: Listen, astrology is a a science.
Doris Schwartz: And my mother's a duck.

"Fame: Bottle of Blues (#3.13)" (1984)
Doris Schwartz: Mr. Morloch, the Schwartz's have a history of thousands of years of getting their daughters to marry doctors and their sons to date girls named Naomi. We have our methods.

"Fame: Consequences (#3.7)" (1983)
Doris Schwartz: [to Morloch] How come, with me, it's always 'Schwartz' and with Miss Peaches & Cream over there it's 'Miss Laird'?

"Fame: A Way of Winning (#3.15)" (1984)
Doris Schwartz: Martelli, what am I going to do?
Bruno Martelli: Hey, there's always the East River.

"Fame: Street Kid (#1.8)" (1982)
Doris Schwartz: [pressing a coin in Tracy's hand] You can call your folks, or you can call that slime who runs the corner. I don't care which.
[walks to the exit but turns at the door]
Doris Schwartz: Part of what I just said is a lie.

"Fame: Hail to the Chief (#3.3)" (1983)
Doris Schwartz: Mr. Shorofsky, Mr. Morloch needs to see you in the office, it's an emergency.
Mr. Shorofsky: To Morloch, everything is an emergency. His ulcers have migraines.

"Fame: U.N. Week (#2.23)" (1983)
Mrs. Berg: Did you ever stop to think of what would happen if we all lit just one little candle?
Doris Schwartz: We'd be up to our buns in wax.

"Fame: Catch a Falling Star (#3.18)" (1984)
Doris Schwartz: [having just been introduced to Tony by Danny] Did you see the most the most gorgeous creature that just walked in and out of my life, all in the most beautiful ten seconds?
Holly Laird: Danny's not that hot.
Doris Schwartz: Not the frog, the prince! Oh, he's perfect.
Holly Laird: Come on, Schwartz, he's nothing to rave about.
Doris Schwartz: Nothing to rave about? You show me one thing better in the last twelve issues of Playgirl!

"Fame: Alone in a Crowd (#1.4)" (1982)
Doris Schwartz: [to Danny] That is the most incredibly gross thing anyone has ever said to me! You are just the El Scuzzo of all time!

"Fame: Words (#2.9)" (1982)
Coco Hernandez: Well Puerto Ricans are island people. They think better if surrounded by water.
Doris Schwartz: Well, tell the guy to buy a hot tub.

"Fame: Gonna Learn How to Fly: Part 2 (#3.2)" (1983)
Doris Schwartz: I've been breathing so much into a brown paper bag my parents think I'm a glue freak.

"Fame: Come One, Come All (#1.10)" (1982)
Doris Schwartz: Danny, they have a rule in burlesque: when the person who writes the joke dies, the joke dies with him. It's only an act of consideration for future generations.

"Fame: Solo Song (#2.7)" (1982)
Doris Schwartz: Don't say anything to cheer me up, just remove all the sharp objects from my purse.
Danny Amatullo: You're a stronger person havin' been disappointed. I mean, being hurt makes you strong.
Doris Schwartz: Being hurt makes you hurt, that 's all it does.

"Fame: Passing Grade (#1.2)" (1982)
Doris Schwartz: Trying to keep something secret around here just doesn't work. It's like being a smuggler in a nudist camp.

"Fame: A Big Finish (#1.14)" (1982)
Doris Schwartz: Dopey idea. Adolescent! So who better to pull it off than a bunch of dopey adolescents?