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[On why one of his acts can't perform
] Danny Rose
: The cat ate his bird. That comes under the Act of God clause.
: I don't see you folding balloons in joints, you're gonna be folding balloons in... colleges and universities!
: If you take my advice, you'll become one of the great balloon-folding acts of all time! Really, 'cause I don't just see you folding balloons in joints. You listen to me, you're gonna fold balloons at universities and colleges.
: [doing stand-up comedy
] I drove up here today. I love driving. You run across so many interesting people.
: Take my Aunt Rose. Not a beautiful woman at all. She looked like something from a live bait store.
: Don't forget to do "My Funny Valentine" with the special lyrics about the moon landing.
: I like it when he takes the microphone off the stand and sort of throws the microphone from hand to hand. Danny Rose
: That's my gesture. I gave him that. Tina Vitale
: Years ago he took the microphone off the stand. Danny Rose
: But he didn't throw it from hand to hand. I used to do that in nightclub acts. Tina Vitale
: So you taught him to throw the microphone from hand to hand... Danny Rose
: I taught him everything he knows.
: [asks about her ex-husband
] What'd you do, you divorced him, or got a separation, or what? Tina Vitale
: Nah, some guy shot him in the eyes. Danny Rose
: Really? He's blind? Tina Vitale
: Dead. Danny Rose
: Dead. Of course, 'cause the bullets go right through.
: [lost in New Jersey
] Hey, wait a minute! I know where we are. These are the flatlands. My husband's friends used to dump bodies here. Danny Rose
: Great. I'm sure you can show me all the points of cultural interest.
: I don't wanna badmouth the kid, but he's a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse. And I say that with all due respect.
[Trying to get a booking for a client
] Danny Rose
: My hand to God, she's gonna be at Carnegie Hall. But you - I'll let you have her now at the old price, OK? Which is, which is anything you wanna give me. Anything at all.
: I need a valium the size of a hockey puck.
: They shot him in the eyes. Danny Rose
: Oh my God, he's blind? Tina Vitale
: He's dead... Danny Rose
: Of course, the bullets would go right through...
: You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you gotta suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.
: I don't wanna get my legs chopped off cos I do a guy a favour.
: My rabbi, Rabbi Perlstein, used to say we're all guilty in the eyes of God. Tina Vitale
: Do you believe in God? Danny Rose
: No, no. But I'm guilty over it.
: It's very important to be guilty. I'm guilty all the time and I never did anything.
: The days before you'll go onstage you gotta look in the mirror and you gotta say your three S's: star, smile, strong!
: May I interject one statement at this juncture? And I don't mean to be didactic or facetious in any way...
: [at dinner with Lou's family
] How are you, darling? How old are you? Lou's Daughter
: Twelve. Danny Rose
: Twelve! Are you married?
: What is this, a Turkish whorehouse? I live here, darling!