Carlton Lassiter
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Quotes for
Carlton Lassiter (Character)
from "Psych" (2006)

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"Psych: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)
Carlton Lassiter: Where were you the night of the last robbery?
Shawn Spencer: I was robbing a stereo shop.
[He laughs]
Shawn Spencer: I wasn't. I don't know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing: not solving crime.
Carlton Lassiter: You're not helping your case here.
Shawn Spencer: My case? Wait, wait, wait. I'm actually a suspect?
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, you're our lead suspect.
Shawn Spencer: I gave you the guy!
Carlton Lassiter: He had a partner.
Shawn Spencer: I have to find *that* guy? I'm confused. When do you start chipping in?

Carlton Lassiter: Believable as it is that you solved all these crimes, what was it, watching the local Channel 8 news reports.
Shawn Spencer: I confess, that's not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5.

Shawn Spencer: Does anyone have any binoculars?
Carlton Lassiter: No. No, see we don't carry binoculars.
Shawn Spencer: Ooh, never mind, I found some here in my pocket.

Carlton Lassiter: I'm not going to let you just waltz around here like some kid in a candy store.
Shawn Spencer: Let me tell you something - I've worked in a candy store, and it was nothing like this.

Shawn Spencer: Detective... don't eat the chicken.
Carlton Lassiter: [to the waitress] I'll have the chicken enchiladas... with extra chicken.

Carlton Lassiter: You solved all these crimes - what was it - watching the Channel 8 News Reports?
Shawn Spencer: All right, I confess, that's not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5. I prefer Channel 8- the weather girl? Adorable!
Carlton Lassiter: So, you're telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews.
Shawn Spencer: Can't you?
Carlton Lassiter: Don't you try and trivialize police work!
Shawn Spencer: I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself.

Carlton Lassiter: Don't you try and trivialize police work.
Shawn Spencer: I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself.

Carlton Lassiter: If I cut him open and leave him out here, you cannot testify against me.

Shawn Spencer: I got the information because... I'm psychic.
Carlton Lassiter: Get him out of here!
Shawn Spencer: Oh boy!
[leans against the door, looks at the desk sergeant]
Shawn Spencer: Your grandmother would be so proud.
Desk Sergeant: You spoke to her?
Shawn Spencer: I did. She's safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.
Desk Sergeant: The palm readers?
Shawn Spencer: The palm readers.
Lucinda: Okay, just to be clear, um, you're claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn Spencer: [moves his hands around until one is pointing at Lassiter and the other at Lucinda] How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 1...
[turns to Officer McNab]
Shawn Spencer: When's the wedding?
McNab: May 3rd - wait, how'd you know?
Shawn Spencer: I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception and you are getting good!
McNab: Wow! That's amazing.
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, come on! Who's buying this?
[McNab, the desk sergeant, and a guy in a holding cell all raise their hands]

Shawn Spencer: Look, I've called in dozens of tips, okay? Just check it out.
Carlton Lassiter: I did. I checked out a whole lot of stuff. Like, oh, you're currently unemployed, never held a job for more than six months, and you have a criminal record.
Shawn Spencer: I was eighteen.
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, eighteen? Oh, well, that makes it okay. Let me just scratch this out.
Shawn Spencer: I borrowed a car...
Carlton Lassiter: You stole a car.
Shawn Spencer: To impress a girl.
Lucinda: Look, forgive us, Mr. Spencer, if this seems far-fetched.
Shawn Spencer: Would it help at all if I told you she had a bit of a reputation and I was O for... high school?
[long pause]
Shawn Spencer: Okay, fine, there were extenuating circumstances. The arresting officer was my father. He was trying to teach me a lesson.
Carlton Lassiter: Did you learn it?
Shawn Spencer: I learned I hated my father, so sure.

"Psych: If You're So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead? (#2.7)" (2007)
Juliet O'Hara: [to secretary] Hi, SBPD. Can we please get the class schedules for these students? Thank you.
[secretary nods, walks away]
Carlton Lassiter: Lesson number three: Don't say "please", don't say "thank you", and definitely don't say "hi". Spirit squad auditions were over ten years ago. You're an authority figure. Act like it.
Juliet O'Hara: Ever heard, "You catch more flies with honey"?
Carlton Lassiter: Lesson number four: Don't quote cornpone country-bumpkin sayings to your commanding officer.
Juliet O'Hara: How many lessons are there?
Carlton Lassiter: Six hundred and thirty-eight.

Juliet O'Hara: Seriously, are you guys working my case?
Shawn Spencer: Case? What case? No, no, no, they've been after me for a while now to teach a class.
Carlton Lassiter: [to Juliet] What do we say?
Juliet O'Hara: Hmm? Oh, right.
[Juliet clears her throat, then lifts her finger at Shawn]
Juliet O'Hara: Stay out of our way and don't get involved, Spencer!

Juliet O'Hara: Guess what today is.
Carlton Lassiter: It's not one of those touchy-feely holidays invented by card companies to goad me into buying a present for someone I couldn't care less about, is it?

[Shawn has just accused Kirk of a fifteen year old murder]
Carlton Lassiter: What, are you nuts? He's a kid.
Shawn Spencer: True. So how could this be possible, class?
Shockley: Time travel. He cryogenically froze himself in order to travel to the future.
Shawn Spencer: No.
Goddard: He's a clone of the original!
Shawn Spencer: Know what? Never mind, guys. Just... save it for your online role-play.

Juliet O'Hara: If you confess now, name your accomplices, I will let the D.A. know you cooperated and maybe, just maybe, no guarantees, JUST maybe... they'll cut you a break.
[pauses, then flips a chair for emphasis]
Carlton Lassiter: It's terrible.
Juliet O'Hara: What?
Carlton Lassiter: Am I scared? Am I quaking? No. That was what I call "lower-case" mad. You need to be "upper-case" mad.

Carlton Lassiter: Listen, O'Hara... given your slightly pedestrian performance and the fact that this has now jumped to a straight-up homicide, maybe I should take over as lead.
Juliet O'Hara: But why? This is my case!
Carlton Lassiter: Which was fine when it was just kids telling tales, but... there are certain nuances involved in a murder investigation which require a more experienced touch.
Juliet O'Hara: Nuances the chief says I'll learn by being primary.
Carlton Lassiter: Yeah, but...
Juliet O'Hara: But what?
Carlton Lassiter: There was an explosion. I've never had a case with an explosion before. I've had assault and burglary cases, once I even had a murder by thermometer, but I've never had an explosion. I mean, come on! Haven't you ever pictured yourself trying to outrun a fireball down a dark tunnel?
Juliet O'Hara: No.

Juliet O'Hara: This anniversary means that my one year probationary period is over. So, what I want...that is, what would be good...what I'm trying to say is...I think I'm entitled to be primary on a case.
Carlton Lassiter: How late are the shops open tonight?

Carlton Lassiter: [about Kirk] He's wearing makeup.
Shockley: Is he gay?
Shawn Spencer: No. Well, maybe. Look, I don't...I don't know.

"Psych: Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion (#2.15)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: [as Shawn is on stage explaining the crime] Wait, wait, wait, wait. This doesn't make any sense. Gregor was already dead.
Shawn Spencer: Do I come down to your office and bother you when you're working?
Carlton Lassiter: All the time.
Shawn Spencer: That's fair.

Carlton Lassiter: You don't remember where you were this afternoon?
Hassenfeffer: It was yellow... and boring.
Juliet O'Hara: Are we talking about a restaurant?
Hassenfeffer: I don't know. Maybe. Just write down that it was lame.

Secret: Is that the same suit?
Carlton Lassiter: Yes, okay? It is! I can get more than one wearing out of a suit in a work week.
Secret: It's the same tie...
Carlton Lassiter: Get out of here!

Shawn Spencer: Do you suspect foul play?
Carlton Lassiter: Not really. There's no one here with an IQ over 40.

Juliet O'Hara: Guys, we don't have time for this.
Shawn Spencer: I know, and that's why I'm here to offer our services.
Carlton Lassiter: I'd rather shower with a bear.

Shawn Spencer: How's it going, crimefighters?
Juliet O'Hara: Well, they're not very forthcoming... or bright.
Carlton Lassiter: One of them could not confirm the correct spelling of his own name.

Hassenfeffer: I do like that jacket.
Carlton Lassiter: Really?
Hassenfeffer: Somewhere, a transient is shivering in the night.

[after Shawn finishes explaining how the murders happened]
Carlton Lassiter: [holding up handcuffs] So, what do I do with these?
Shawn Spencer: Nothing. I guess what I'm saying is, you're all free to leave.

"Psych: Who Ya Gonna Call? (#1.7)" (2006)
Shawn Spencer: Good morning, detectives! Collecting donations for the policeman's ball?
Carlton Lassiter: We don't have balls.
Shawn Spencer: I honestly have no response to that.

Shawn Spencer: I've been sent by the spirit of Pete Rose.
Carlton Lassiter: Pete Rose isn't dead.

Carlton Lassiter: I thought I told you no.
Shawn Spencer: But your eyes said yes.

Carlton Lassiter: Am I clear?
Shawn Spencer: Like butter.

Carlton Lassiter: Canvas the neighborhood, see if anyone knows her.
Juliet O'Hara: That's a really smart approach.
Carlton Lassiter: What, that shocks you?
Juliet O'Hara: I meant it as a compliment.
Carlton Lassiter: Really? Thanks a lot.
Juliet O'Hara: Was that sarcastic?
Carlton Lassiter: No.
Juliet O'Hara: Oh... okay. You're welcome.

Carlton Lassiter: Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?
Shawn Spencer: Uh... the case gets solved?

Carlton Lassiter: Do you not knock?
Juliet O'Hara: There's no door.
Carlton Lassiter: And?

"Psych: Zero to Murder in Sixty Seconds (#2.4)" (2007)
[Shawn learns Lassiter had a date]
Shawn Spencer: Now you have to dish. She blonde?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Brunette?
Shawn Spencer: Mail-order?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You sly dog!
Carlton Lassiter: Please. I am not going to engage in some sort of juvenile masculinity contest.
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] He went by himself.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yeah.
Carlton Lassiter: [quickly] Her name was Polly Smith. 324 Sycamore Lane. We kissed. Ask her.
Shawn Spencer: [raises an eyebrow] Polly Smith?

Carlton Lassiter: I'm gonna get right over there.
Shawn Spencer: Uh-uh. No car, remember?
[they laugh]
Carlton Lassiter: You guys are so funny. Oh, guess what? I just got a new car.
[flashes his badge]
Carlton Lassiter: Yours.

Carlton Lassiter: Alright, just keep your mouths shut, I don't want people to think anything's wrong. Morning, O'Connell. Schwartz. Dobson. Just rapping with the fellas, shooting the breeze.
Shawn Spencer: Sweet, now they'll just think it's 1974.

Carlton Lassiter: Unlike everyone else around here, I'm not fooled by the fact that you wear grownup clothes, have mastered the rudimentary levels of communication, and somehow manage to feed yourselves. I see you for what you are: children. So do me a favor and let the grownups do their work.
Shawn Spencer: [points to his elbow] I got a boo-boo.

[about Lassiter's "date"]
Carlton Lassiter: I am not going to engage in some sort of juvenile masculinity contest.
Shawn Spencer: He went by himself.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yeah.
Carlton Lassiter: [quickly] Her name was Polly Smith. 324 Sycamore Lane. We kissed. Ask her.
Shawn Spencer: [raises an eyebrow] Polly Smith?

Carlton Lassiter: But I'm warning you, if word of this little incident gets out at the station, I will start making things very difficult for you down there.
Shawn Spencer: You mean you haven't even been trying? All this time?

[Shawn tries to give the location of a chop shop]
Shawn Spencer: Victims! I see victims everywhere! It's horrible! So many parts strewn about! Fluids spewing in every direction!
Karen Vick: Oh, dear God!
Juliet O'Hara: Are you talking about a serial killer?
Shawn Spencer: I can see the victims' names. Accord! Look out!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Get out of there!
Shawn Spencer: Escalade! Don't let him in the door! Oh, Camry! You were too young to go!
Juliet O'Hara: Are we talking about cars?
Carlton Lassiter: STOLEN cars?
Shawn Spencer: Signal's too stong.
[grabs a printer]
Shawn Spencer: I'm getting chopsticks! Chopped salad?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What?
[Shawn starts chopping the printer with his hands and pulls out the ink cartridge]
Shawn Spencer: Chop suey?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Good God!
Shawn Spencer: Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch?
[to Lassiter]
Shawn Spencer: Does that mean anything to you? Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch?
Juliet O'Hara: Chop shop!

"Psych: Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! (#3.5)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: [activated a bomb to flush out the bad guy] Spencer, I'd appreciate it in the future if you just played with your own life.

Juliet O'Hara: [thought they seized property from diamond smugglers, but the cargo container was filled with wild marmosets instead] All I can remember after that are... are hundreds of those... tiny, razor-sharp claws... and teeth!
Carlton Lassiter: Lower primate, my ass! I recognize a military formation when I see one.

Buzz McNab: [Lassiter and O'Hara walk into the police station looking like road-kill] What happened to you guys?
Carlton Lassiter: The diamond smuggling case that Detective O'Hara wanted to take didn't go quite as planned.
Juliet O'Hara: That *I* wanted to take! You're the one who insisted on it, Mr. *Head* Detective.

[O'Hara and Lassiter trick McNab into taking their unwanted case]
Buzz McNab: Wow! Thanks, guys. This means a lot. The fact that you think so highly of me that...
Carlton Lassiter: Yeah, yeah, we love you. Get back to work.

Carlton Lassiter: When will people learn that alcohol and hydrochloric acid don't mix?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Technically they do.

Juliet O'Hara: We were in a small windowless cabin on the lubber deck.
Carlton Lassiter: That's apparently a nautical term for "place they send you to puke".
Juliet O'Hara: Had to wash my hair three times.
Carlton Lassiter: Sorry about that.

Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, I'd appreciate in the future if you just played with your own life.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, come on, Lassie. If Derek hadn't caved, I would have just deactivated it myself. It's very easy. You just clip the red wire and the green wire at the same time.
Juliet O'Hara: Uh, Shawn? There is no green wire.
Shawn Spencer: Really? Huh. Well, in that case, we all would have died.

"Psych: A Very Juliet Episode (#4.12)" (2010)
Carlton Lassiter: I want you to listen to me, O'Hara. And believe this, because I mean it from the bottom of my heart. All romance ends in despair. Or death, but mostly despair. Gut-wrenching despair. And I'm-I-I hate to say this, but I'm actually happy that this happened because now you know. And it's just going to make you a better cop to realize that all people are essentially just out there to destroy any chance of happiness you will ever have.
[Long pause]
Carlton Lassiter: I feel a hug coming on.

Burton Guster: Are you sure it's cool for us to be in the chief's office?
Carlton Lassiter: Of course it is, I practically run this place.
Shawn Spencer: All right...
Carlton Lassiter: Hit the deck!
[All crouch under the table]
Carlton Lassiter: [whispering] It's the biscuit lady.
[cart passes]
Carlton Lassiter: [gets up] All right, we're good.
[Gus stares at Lassiter]
Carlton Lassiter: I owe her eighty cents. And I... I kind of made out with her at the department picnic.

Carlton Lassiter: Turns out Juliet's boyfriend was working for a company owned by the infamous J.T. Waring.
Burton Guster: Nope.
Shawn Spencer: Come on, Gus, she wrote all the Harry Potters.
Burton Guster: That's J.K. Rowling, Shawn.
Carlton Lassiter: J.T. Waring is a Los Angeles mobster, went down for racketeering a few years ago.
Shawn Spencer: What's racketeering?
Carlton Lassiter: Nobody knows.

Carlton Lassiter: Get down!
[Pulls Shawn and Gus under the table]
Shawn Spencer: That was a dude.
Burton Guster: That must have been some crazy picnic.

Juliet O'Hara: [on reconnecting with Scott] I feel like that scene in "Grease".
Carlton Lassiter: After the bonfire? When Sandy sprung on Danny when he least expects it?
[long pause]
Carlton Lassiter: What? I can't see movies, too?
Juliet O'Hara: That is spot on. With scary precision.

Carlton Lassiter: Here's the thing, O'Hara: You haven't seen this guy in, like, seven years. You're both entirely different people. The only way you'll know anything is if you get to know each other again. Everything else is pure speculation. It's like... like wondering what would have happened if Kenickie had driven down Thunder Road.
Juliet O'Hara: Are we still on "Grease"?
Carlton Lassiter: We never weren't.

Carlton Lassiter: I want you to know, you have my blessing.
Juliet O'Hara: For what?
Carlton Lassiter: To consumate your relationship with Scott.
Juliet O'Hara: Whoa, Carlton!
Carlton Lassiter: I just meant that, should this thing work out, this guy's okay in my book. Look, I dont get to be a confidant all that often - ever, for anybody, because people don't really talk to me. So I... I wanted to give this careful consideration. And, after a thorough background check and an unauthorized blood test, I get what you see in this guy.

"Psych: Weekend Warriors (#1.6)" (2006)
Carlton Lassiter: If I'm wrong, I'll hold a press conference where you are both cordially invited to say, "I told you so."
Shawn Spencer: Okay.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Sounds fair.
Shawn Spencer: Can I wear your face wig?

Carlton Lassiter: [to Shawn] Great. You found a pencil. Now we can all take the SAT's.

Carlton Lassiter: And don't think I didn't see you trying to throw M&M's into the injured soldiers' mouths.
Shawn Spencer: First off, those were Skittles and they have a rainbow of flavors.

Carlton Lassiter: For your edification, the reenactment of the ba...
Shawn Spencer: Edification?
Carlton Lassiter: Yeah, edification.
Shawn Spencer: Is that legal? Like, in public? Public edification's legal?
Carlton Lassiter: It means "for your information."
Shawn Spencer: Well, why didn't you just say that?

Karen Vick: Shawn, unless you can give us a name, I'm afraid he's right this time.
Shawn Spencer: Fine, I'll get you a name.
[to Lassiter]
Shawn Spencer: And I'm going to get you a woman.
Carlton Lassiter: *Afraid* he's right? *This* time?

Carlton Lassiter: This case is personal. One of my soldiers was killed on my watch and I, not you, am going to clean it up. We clear?
Shawn Spencer: I wouldn't have gone with something as traditional as "We clear?" You could have gone foreign: "Comprende?" "Capisce?" Could have had a little fun with it: "You dig my gist, Sweetpants?" These are just suggestions.

Karen Vick: [after Shawn reveals details about Poe's wound] How do you know that?
Shawn Spencer: Lassie, you wanna take this one?
Carlton Lassiter: [annoyed] He had an "episode" in the hall.

"Psych: American Duos (#2.1)" (2007)
Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, you missed something. We found prints.
Shawn Spencer: Was he in a little red corvette?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Under the cherry moon?
Carlton Lassiter: *Finger* prints.

Emilina Saffron: Now you're trying to seduce me.
Carlton Lassiter: I never thought I would make this sound in my lifetime, but... ewww!

[in an interrogation room]
Carlton Lassiter: Great. What are you two doing down at that competition?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: We're looking for our big break.
Shawn Spencer: Do I get a phone call?
Carlton Lassiter: No. I am trying to conduct an investigation. Out!
Shawn Spencer: Don't you want to ask us if we did it?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Ask *him*. I plead the fifth.

Emilina Saffron: Hello? I need my bag!
[sees Lassiter]
Emilina Saffron: Oh, Mr. Bean, thank God it's you! I really need my bag, please.
Carlton Lassiter: And I need a confession.
Emilina Saffron: I have a kid in Milwaukee. The father's Samoan. Can I now please have my bag, Tony Randall?

Carlton Lassiter: Well, who was it?
Emilina Saffron: I can't be sure. I thought I was dreaming, but it might have been a werewolf.

Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, you missed something. We've found prints.
Shawn Spencer: Was he in a little red Corvette...
Burton 'Gus' Guster: under the cherry moon?
Carlton Lassiter: Finger-prints

"Psych: Last Night Gus (#6.2)" (2011)
Woody the Coroner: [re: their test results] Okay, first off, I didn't realize peote stayed in your system that many years. I have only myself and my then-girlfriend, Lollipop, to blame. Secondly, Guster, your cholesterol is really high.
Shawn Spencer: Man, I told you eating something called "stick of butter in a bun" was a bad idea.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I can't help it, Shawn. My body craves buttery goodness.
Shawn Spencer: You're buttery.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You know that's right.
Woody the Coroner: Alright now, here's the skinny. We all had copious amounts of silvia divanorum in our system. It's a psychoactive herb that can cause hallucination and disassociative effects. We were all drugged at that bar.
Carlton Lassiter: I knew it!
Woody the Coroner: However, our victim had no trace of the drug at all. He was clean.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why would someone spike our drink but not his?
Carlton Lassiter: Well clearly someone was trying to take advantage of us sexually. Or at least me.
Shawn Spencer: Not last night, Lassie.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Or this last decade.
Shawn Spencer: I'm sensing that we were recipients of drugs that were intended for a pair of women.
Carlton Lassiter: Alright. Let's hit that bar.
Woody the Coroner: Yeah, let's shake 'em down.
[Everyone looks at him]
Woody the Coroner: What? No shake down?

Woody the Coroner: [Has spent the night spooning Lassiter] Calm down, Peaches. Come back to bed.
Carlton Lassiter: [Startled] Whatever you think happened last night didn't happen because nothing happened, you got it?
Shawn Spencer: That's nice, Lassie. Way to belittle the man.
Woody the Coroner: Yeah, Detective, I do have feelings.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What is all over your face?
Woody the Coroner: [Wipes it] Yeah I can't be sure. Oh god, you didn't see a small Colombian with a hook for an arm did you?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No.

Carlton Lassiter: [Seeing his gun in the Psych office fish tank] My baby!

Juliet O'Hara: I'm sorry, you're requesting to work with Shawn and Gus? What is going on and please take those sunglasses off.
Carlton Lassiter: You put some sunglasses on!

Carlton Lassiter: [Thinks he killed a man] I think I'm going to turn myself in.
Shawn Spencer: What, for spooning with Woody?
Woody the Coroner: We did nothing wrong.

Carlton Lassiter: Obviously, we knew the victim.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Well, we all knew the victim, but you were the one who shot him.
Carlton Lassiter: You had the dead guy's phone.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn was wearing the man's sandals.
Shawn Spencer: Huh, I was hoping you guys didn't notice that.
Woody the Coroner: Look, I don't care if we did kill this guy, I'm just happy to be a part of it.

"Psych: Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark (#4.9)" (2009)
Carlton Lassiter: [as McNab runs over to open his car door] Whoa! Easy there! Keep those oversized mitts off the car. This is a brand new issued vehicle. It's cherry and its going to stay that way. It's almost too sweet to drive.
Buzz McNab: [sniffs] Mmmmm... Smells like new car plus lemons.
Carlton Lassiter: Yeah, it does!
Buzz McNab: [looks in car window] Is that leather?
Carlton Lassiter: Pleather. Closest thing to it, though.

Carlton Lassiter: [seeing Shawn and Gus] What are they doing here?
Juliet O'Hara: Maybe Vick called them in?
Shawn Spencer: We are not here to hone in on your case. We just heard "ice cream" on our police radio, and it was Gus's snack time.

Henry Spencer: [running through the woods, with a breathless Lassiter behind him] Think you can pick up the pace... Mr. Viability?
Carlton Lassiter: There's an excelent chance I was bitten by a tick back there. I think I'm going through the beginning stages of Lyme's Disease.
Henry Spencer: [frowns] Man up, detective!
Carlton Lassiter: Steroids, right? You're juicing, aren't you? I knew it!

Shawn Spencer: [takes a stance on the side of the truckbed he's in while they are still driving at high speeds] Get ready, buddy... I'm going to jump on your hood!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You must be out of your damn mind, Shawn! This is a company car! Jump on Lassiter's!
[Shawn moves to the other side and waves to Henry and Lassiter]
Shawn Spencer: Move closer!
Carlton Lassiter: No! No! N-No! Do not jump on this vehicle! This is a brand new vehicle!
Shawn Spencer: Look, man, I have been shot! I am jumping on *somebody's* car!

Carlton Lassiter: Spencer!
Shawn Spencer: Which one are you talking to?
Carlton Lassiter: It doesn't matter. You're the same person!

Carlton Lassiter: Nice shooting, detective.
Shawn Spencer: Did you just call me "detective"?
Carlton Lassiter: [holsters his gun] No...

"Psych: Gus's Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy (#2.10)" (2007)
Shawn Spencer: Lassie!
[Shawn gives Lassiter a "Psych" snowglobe]
Carlton Lassiter: [uneasily] I... I hate snowglobes.
Shawn Spencer: Well, that's funny. My psychic senses told me specifically that snowglobes *didn't* give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off.

[Lassiter is making Christmas crafts with Juliet's young nephews]
Carlton Lassiter: All right, fellas, what do we got here? You know, Drake... technically, Jesus was born around April, so we need to get rid of this winter foliage. Oh, and Finn, the word "manger" actually refers to the wooden feeding trough that the animals used, so let's put baby Jesus in this little shot glass.
Juliet O'Hara: Uh... Carlton?
Carlton Lassiter: You know, based on how far they had to travel, all the experts agree that the Wise Men didn't really get there until Jesus was two, so let's get rid of them.
Juliet O'Hara: Uh... uh, Carlton? Remember, this is for the *children*?
Carlton Lassiter: Right. Let's do one with Santa in it. Hand me Kris Kringle there, guys.
Juliet O'Hara: That's a great idea!
Carlton Lassiter: You know, interestingly enough, the Dutch version of Santa used slaves to deliver the toys.

[playing video games with Juliet's young nephews]
Carlton Lassiter: You better change your name to Lassiter, because I OWN you!

Carlton Lassiter: Alright! Who keeps telling people I want snow globes for Christmas?

Shawn Spencer: What I'm sensing here, ladies and gentlemen, is murder.
Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, old people are always offing themselves over the holidays.
McNab: Oh, according to CSU, Shawn might be right.
Shawn Spencer: Colorado State University.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Crime Scene Unit.
Shawn Spencer: Them too.

"Psych: The Tao of Gus (#6.8)" (2011)
Carlton Lassiter: Great directions, Spencer. If it wasn't for the fetid stench of unwashed hippy pits we might never have found this place at all.

Carlton Lassiter: Eli, I'm going to need to interrogate your entire herd of wierdos.

Carlton Lassiter: You tree-humpers are all the same, aren't you? You profess to be saving the world but deep down, you're just a bunch of freedom-hating murderers.

Carlton Lassiter: My God, is this what our troops are dying to protect?

Carlton Lassiter: Why are we still talking to these stinky flag-burners? We've already got a bad guy.

"Psych: 9 Lives (#1.5)" (2006)
Carlton Lassiter: There are no witnesses.
Shawn Spencer: I'd like to talk to that cat - as soon as he's finished licking himself.

Carlton Lassiter: What in the name of sweet justice are you doing at my crime scene?
Shawn Spencer: Your crime scene? That's funny, I didn't see your name on it anywhere.
Carlton Lassiter: Ha, ha. Get out!

Carlton Lassiter: That was adequate, Spencer.
Shawn Spencer: Don't thank me. Thank the little boy cat.

Carlton Lassiter: [after Shawn puts the cat in the backseat of a car where a body was found] He's peeing!
Shawn Spencer: No, he's drawing your attention to the evidence.
Carlton Lassiter: By peeing on it!

Carlton Lassiter: [after a crime scene tech blows in an evidence bag] Hey, Blowy! If you want to get your spit on the evidence, why don't you just lick it?

"Psych: The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode (#4.15)" (2010)
Shawn Spencer: You saw the knife wound, did you not?
Carlton Lassiter: It looked like a knife wound and I've regretted ever since I've said it.
Shawn Spencer: No! Don't regret it. Don't you see? This should be the best moment of your life! You should- you should feel liberated! In your guts! Because you're following your guts! You found the piece that didn't fit, and even though you didn't know how it fits, you announced it to the world anyway.
Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, one loose end doesn't make it foul play.
Shawn Spencer: It doesn't?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: How do you think we've stayed in business these last four years?
Shawn Spencer: But what if it does? Lassie, we're comrades now. I do this all the time, I can walk you through this. This is just the weird part of the spit-out-a-crazy-theory process. You say it! Everyone thinks you're crazy, you're incompetent, you should probably color your sideburns
[everyone looks at Lassiter's sideburns; Juliet nods]
Shawn Spencer: We're one in the same. We're Shassie now. We're Sharlton. We're Spenssiter.
Carlton Lassiter: Oh my god.

Juliet O'Hara: I can't believe I'm supporting this, but I have managed to secure a police boat.
Shawn Spencer: Sweet. We can put our heads together, two mismatched partners on a harebrained adventure.
Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, I want nothing to do with you. We are not compadres, we are not partners, we are not nothing.
Shawn Spencer: Are we at least amigos?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Homeboys?
Shawn Spencer: Platonic soul mates?

Carlton Lassiter: Fishing is one of my top five skills, right behind profiling and ski ball.

Carlton Lassiter: Well I feared it would be a Spencer that got to that shark before me, I just can't believe it turned out to be the other one.
Shawn Spencer: I think I should be offended. Gus?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Compliment to you, insult to your dad.
[to Lassiter]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Well executed, two fisted.
Shawn Spencer: Nice Lassie.

William Tanner: [talking to Lassiter and Juliet inside Tanner's boat] You're worse than that guy in the papers. What's his name, Detective...
Shawn Spencer: [shouting from outside the boat] Dipstick!
Carlton Lassiter: [screaming back] Not another word!

"Psych: Dis-Lodged (#2.14)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: Uh, I was just driving by the office and saw the lights on...
Shawn Spencer: You want to hire us.
[Lassiter hesitates]
Shawn Spencer: Oh, come on, Lassie, it's not that tough. Let it go.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yes, come on.
Shawn Spencer: Look around! You're in a safe place, surrounded by men... who love you. Gus?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Lassiter, I love you.

Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, I want you to listen to me, and listen closely. I know Irving Parker very well, and he wouldn't kill anyone. Sure, he might hobble their spirit and crush their soul and dance on the flaming ashes of their broken marriage, which he had a part in ending... but he wouldn't kill anyone.

Irving Parker: Are we done?
Carlton Lassiter: We're done when I say we're done!
Carlton Lassiter: We're done. You can go.

Carlton Lassiter: [to his intimidating, ex-father-in-law, who is a murder suspect] Alright, Irving, that's enough! Now I loved Victoria, and because she loved you, I let it slide that you're a pain in the ass! But you're at *my* table now, and around here, we call someone like you, a hostile witness, it's a good way to get yourself locked up. I can make your life a living hell, so you'd better give me the respect I deserve, and I suggest you cut the crap! Clear?

"Psych: Death Is in the Air (#4.13)" (2010)
Shawn Spencer: [after Lassiter pulls his gun on a barking Rottweiler] Who are you, Michael Vick?
Carlton Lassiter: I'm not going to shoot him. *He* doesn't know that.
Shawn Spencer: He doesn't know *anything*. He's a dog.

Carlton Lassiter: This is a waste of time. We're rushing to check out some coffee place that some mysterious person who may or may not be carrying a deadly virus may or may not have visited.
Donny Leberman: Well, I for one, trust Mr. Spencer's instincts on this.
Carlton Lassiter: [to Juliet] Who the hell is this?
Juliet O'Hara: Carlton, we need to look into every possible lead at this point. Besides, you were already wrong once today.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I've never seen Lassie put in his place like that.
Shawn Spencer: It's hot. I'd like her to put me in my place.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That makes no sense, Shawn.

Carlton Lassiter: [Lassiter, Donny, Shawn, Gus and Juliet are all being showered in the parking lot] I mean is this really necessary? I didn't even go inside the cafe.
Donny Leberman: Oh it's necessary. Yeah, the CDC doesn't want to take any chances.
Carlton Lassiter: For the last time, who the hell is this?
Donny Leberman: Oh, I'm Donny Leberman. Hey, I'm the guy who screwed all this up.
Carlton Lassiter: I'm not big on nude handshakes.
Juliet O'Hara: They're probably just being safe, Carlton.
[Hit by a hose]
Juliet O'Hara: Ooh, that tickles.
Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, are you shampooing your hair?
Shawn Spencer: Yes I am, Lassie. I always travel with a small packet of Johnson and Johnson's baby shampoo in my wallet.
Juliet O'Hara: Baby shampoo?
Shawn Spencer: No more tears, Jules.
Carlton Lassiter: [Getting scrubbed down] Whoa, take it easy, slugger, what are we dating?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I can't believe this, Shawn. First, we're looking for a prostitute, now I'm naked in a parking lot.
Shawn Spencer: It's just like our prom night.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, relax. Don't be Nick Cage's accent from "Con Air." We've bathed together before.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: When we were three.
Shawn Spencer: It's essentially the same thing. It's just impolite to pee.
[to the person scrubbing him down]
Shawn Spencer: That feels great by the way.

Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, why don't you get out of sight, alright? Mallon knows what you look like and you're not trained in covert surveillance.
Shawn Spencer: Really? What part of training is announcing our presence with a megaphone?
Carlton Lassiter: Just go hide in a bathroom and stay out of our way.
Shawn Spencer: Alright, we'll go. Not because you told us to. Gus has to tinkle.

"Psych: Bollywood Homicide (#4.6)" (2009)
Carlton Lassiter: At this point it looks like an accident.
Shawn Spencer: Like your hair.
Carlton Lassiter: Really? Down to hair jokes, now?

Shawn Spencer: [in a car, doing surveillance on Juliet and Raj on a fake date] Man, I don't like this.
Burton Guster: You don't like Juliet dating somebody.
Shawn Spencer: *Fake* dating. That's not it. It's this whole using-her-as-bait thing.
Burton Guster: You had no problem dangling his girlfriend out there as bait.
Shawn Spencer: Now you're changing the rules, aren't you? Look at Raj. He's getting awfully hands-y over there. Taking advantage of the situation like that!
Carlton Lassiter: [over the walkie talkie] No, he's definitely bugged by O'Hara dating this guy.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't leave the talk button on.

Carlton Lassiter: [after Shawn saves Juliet] What'd I miss?
Shawn Spencer: Not me getting slapped in the face.
Burton Guster: By a girl.
Abigail Lytar: Cause that didn't happen.

Carlton Lassiter: I'm really sorry, Spencer, I can't play with you today. I'm about to go solve another case and do it in record time.
[to Abigail]
Carlton Lassiter: Hello.
Shawn Spencer: It is at this point that I must decide which part of that very bold statement to riff off of. Now, I can hone in on "another", which implies that he's solved more than one.
Abigail Lytar: That's pretty easy, though.
Shawn Spencer: Or I crack down on "record time" in posit that, for him, record time is, like, two and a half years.
Abigail Lytar: Good, not great.
Shawn Spencer: You drive a hard bargain.
Abigail Lytar: You love it.
Carlton Lassiter: I know! Why don't you go home and wait for me not to call you?
Shawn Spencer: He's just saying that so it'll be more dramatic later on when he has to ask for my help.
Abigail Lytar: More dramatic for who?
Shawn Spencer: I don't know.
[points to a random officer behind him]
Shawn Spencer: That guy, I guess.

"Psych: Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece (#1.3)" (2006)
Carlton Lassiter: If I find you anywhere near this case, I will throw every book I find at you.
Shawn Spencer: What if you find the Bible? You gonna throw that too? Seems a little sacreligious to me, don't you think?

Carlton Lassiter: Listen to me Spencer. The department's reputation is on the line with this one. If I catch you anywhere near this case I will throw every book I can find at you.
Shawn Spencer: What if you find the Bible? You gonna throw that, too? Seems a little sacrilegious to me, don't you think?

Juliet O'Hara: [on Lassiter's theory of the crime] It does seem very elaborate.
McNab: And just a bit far-fetched.
Carlton Lassiter: Are you a detective? Why are you here?
McNab: You asked for all of us to come.
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, well, officer, since you're such an expert on fetching, why don't you go fetch me a cup of coffee?

Juliet O'Hara: [about Shawn] You're not going to shoot him are you?
Carlton Lassiter: I haven't decided yet.

"Psych: There's Something About Mira (#2.11)" (2008)
Juliet O'Hara: Solve your own cases! It's a refrigeration truck! It's practically a victimless crime.
Carlton Lassiter: Well, I guess you just don't count the people who aren't going to get their lobster and sand dabs as victims. I'm surprised the Miami P.D. didn't fail you for lack of compassion.

Carlton Lassiter: [Shawn believes that Mira's "missing" fiance doesn't exist, but Jann shows up unexpectedly at the police station] Doesn't exist, huh? That's great. Hey, should I put out an imaginary A.P.B. for him on my invisible radio?

Juliet O'Hara: Lassiter is just being a child about his detective exam score!
Shawn Spencer: Wait, the D.E.T.? I took that when I was fifteen. I got 100.
Carlton Lassiter: I'm sorry... you said you got a perfect score?
Shawn Spencer: Yeah.
Juliet O'Hara: And you were fifteen?
Shawn Spencer: Yeah. Why, what did you guys get?
Carlton Lassiter: You know, it's probably changed a lot since then. You can't really compare it.
Juliet O'Hara: Oh, apples and oranges.

Juliet O'Hara: McNab!
Carlton Lassiter: We're commandeering your watch.
McNab: [laughs] You're commandeering my...
Carlton Lassiter: Watch!
McNab: Okay.

"Psych: Psy vs. Psy (#2.3)" (2007)
Carlton Lassiter: [after Bianca touches the body] Hey! You can't do that!
Karen Vick: Please, we're lucky if our psychic doesn't lick the body

Carlton Lassiter: Hey, what color is that suit?
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Black.
Carlton Lassiter: Really? It seems blacker than black.
Special Agent Lars Ewing: It's Washington black.

[Ewing and Lassiter try to one-up each other]
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Presidential Recommendation for Distinguished Service.
Carlton Lassiter: Presidential Physical Fitness Award, 8th, 9th, and 10th grade... and I've got a cocktail napkin from Air Force One.
Special Agent Lars Ewing: I personally arrested Ivan Boesky.
Carlton Lassiter: I wrestled in high school.
Special Agent Lars Ewing: What, with your conscience?

Carlton Lassiter: Is that a recording device? Government-issued?
Special Agent Lars Ewing: Asking if that is a recording device...
[takes a pen out of his jacket]
Special Agent Lars Ewing: like asking if this is a pen.
Carlton Lassiter: Is it a pen?
Special Agent Lars Ewing: That's classified.

"Psych: This Episode Sucks (#6.3)" (2011)
Marlowe Viccellio: So you gonna tell me about yourself or not?
Carlton Lassiter: Well... you already know my name. I come here to, uh... unwind because my job can be intense. I often dream I'm Clint Eastwood.
Marlowe Viccellio: Even in "Bloodwork"?
Carlton Lassiter: Mostly "Heartbreak Ridge".
Marlowe Viccellio: Please continue.
Carlton Lassiter: I'm somewhat recently divorced. I believe there is little to no room for interpretation when it comes to the United States Constitution, and I have an unusually high threshhold for pain.

Carlton Lassiter: Please tell me why they're at my crime scene!
Shawn Spencer: Lassie, it is not Jules' fault. She told me not to follow her and I thought she was telling me not to be pregnant with swine.

Juliet O'Hara: Carlton, what exactly is going on here?
Carlton Lassiter: I suppose I do owe you an explanation, partner.
[to Shawn and Gus]
Carlton Lassiter: I owe you two nothing, and you look like a couple of asshats in those ridiculous costumes.
Shawn Spencer: [dressed up like Lestat] I'm dangerous... in a sexy way.
Marlowe Viccellio: More like in a gay way.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Well, I'm straight up iconic.
Marlowe Viccellio: I wouldn't call Count Chocula an icon.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm Blacula! And you're going to be under arrest, you succubus!

Carlton Lassiter: The girl, McNab! What did you find out about the girl I met last night?
Buzz McNab: Oh, I might need a little more to gone on, sir.
Carlton Lassiter: What more do you need? What more do you need? I told you she's blonde and pale and perfect and beautiful and perfect! So get me a name and get me an address... and get me some aspirin.

"Psych: Lights, Camera... Homicidio (#2.13)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: [about Shawn and Gus] I demand you remove *these* men from this room.
Nurse: Honey, the only people actually authorized to be in here are Mr. Spencer and Mr. Guster. They're on Mr. Gama-Lobo's friends and family list. Everyone else, out!
Carlton Lassiter: [to Shawn] You just met him a week ago!
Shawn Spencer: His whole family is back in Mexico. His older brother misses him very much.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: His sister.
Shawn Spencer: Right.
Juliet O'Hara: [to Lassiter, as they leave] How does he make friends so fast?

Carlton Lassiter: [realizing he's arresting someone on live TV] Hola, me llama Inspector Carlton Lassiter. Me gusta queso.
Juliet O'Hara: Really? That's what you choose to say?

Carlton Lassiter: Lance Rothstein, you're under arrest for the murder of Reynaldo Nunez.
[Lance looks at Shawn]
Shawn Spencer: Don't worry, I can get you off on that one.
Carlton Lassiter: And the attempted murder of Jorge Gama-Lobo.
[Lance looks at Shawn again]
Shawn Spencer: Ooh... I don't know about *that* one.

Kelly: [Continuing her confession/explanation] When Ernesto cheated on her she was too weak to stand up for herself. I needed to help her. She was like my best friend.
Quintessa Gabriel: I barely spoke to her.
Shawn Spencer: [Normal accent] Really?
[Spanish accent]
Shawn Spencer: So it was you who replaced the retractable prop knife with the real one!
Kelly: And he deserved it!
Shawn Spencer: [Spanish accent] And it was also you who poisoned poor Vincente after it was written that he betrayed Corrin!
Quintessa Gabriel: But how?
Shawn Spencer: [Spanish accent] With a meatball.
Jorge: [Flashback to earlier conversation] Usually I hunger for her meatballs the way a jackal salivates for an injured opossum.
Quintessa Gabriel: But he wrote the suicide note!
Shawn Spencer: [Spanish accent] No, he didn't! You should have a degree in being wrong all the time! And she almost got away with it, if it was not for the hairs!
Quintessa Gabriel: Hairs?
Shawn Spencer: [Spanish accent] Yes, the hairs from the cheap imitation wig that you put on to emulate Corrin when you committed these murders!
Kelly: Yes, I did it! And now it's your turn to die!
Shawn Spencer: [Normal accent] Say what?
Kelly: For sleeping with Serena when all Corrin did was love you!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: She's right about that.
[Kelly grabs the nail gun from Quintessa, shoots at Shawn]
Shawn Spencer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[Lassiter and O'Hara grab the gun from Kelly and cuff her, then realize they're live on TV]
Carlton Lassiter: Uh... hola! Me llamo... Inspector Carleton Lassiter. Me gusta queso.
Juliet O'Hara: Really, that's what you choose to say?
Carlton Lassiter: Well, I only took two years in junior high...
[They escort Kelly off the set]

"Psych: 65 Million Years Off (#2.2)" (2007)
Carlton Lassiter: [to Shawn, while walking away] Come on, we'll show you how real cops do it.
Juliet O'Hara: No comeback? Shawn, that's slightly embarrassing.
[Juliet leaves]
Shawn Spencer: [half-heartedly] Where'd you get that su... suit, the toilet store?

Carlton Lassiter: Spencer! Long time, no see... or is it, no need?

Shawn Spencer: Completely stumped, hmm?
Karen Vick: You getting something Mr. Spencer?
Shawn Spencer: Yes, yes I am.
[takes pad and pen from Lassiter and starts to draw]
Carlton Lassiter: No no no no no hang on! I I've got it. The wound on the head was caused by the edge of a boat. When he fell in the water unconscious and the wounds in the back were caused by a large industrial crab trap. Or a whale, definitely could have been a whale. Lost from his pod, separated. Migrating north or south, sees our man already dead floating up on the surface, thinks it's a seal and then whale.

Karen Vick: We just got a break in the case. We just found out the name of the dead man, you wanna tell them who he is detective?
Carlton Lassiter: [moodily] No.

"Psych: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead (#1.11)" (2007)
Carlton Lassiter: Look, this is a copycat, okay? He saw Turk's picture in the paper, he's looking for attention.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: So he wakes up and sees Turk in the paper naked, humiliated, the butt of jokes at the water cooler, and says, "Hmm, how can I make this work for myself?" What?

Philip Keiser: [to the police photographer] What are you, some kind of pervert?
Carlton Lassiter: Cut him some slack, he's just doing his job. You really think he gets his jollies taking pictures of your ding-dong?

Carlton Lassiter: [to a suspect:] Why don't you remember that while you're trying to take a crap in front of six other guys?

Carlton Lassiter: [reading a note that Shawn wrote during one of his "episodes"] "To Lassie: On the alpine highway of life, you are my all-weather tires. H and K's, Shawn." What the hell is this?
Juliet O'Hara: [grinning] H and K's stands for Hugs and Kisses.

"Psych: Ghosts (#3.1)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: [on his first meeting with Madeleine] I answered every question in character as Tom "Gunny" Highway.
Juliet O'Hara: Who is Tom "Gunny" Highway?
Carlton Lassiter: Clint Eastwood's character in "Heartbreak Ridge".

Karen Vick: It has come to my attention, Detective, that you've discharged your weapons in the last four cases you've worked.
Carlton Lassiter: Thank you.
Karen Vick: That wasn't a compliment.
Carlton Lassiter: I'm just trying to keep the streets safe, Chief.
Karen Vick: The last incident was at a cat show.
Carlton Lassiter: Well, let me just go on record as saying that I would never shoot a cat.
Karen Vick: I guess I could find some solace in that.
Carlton Lassiter: Unless it was approaching in a threatening manner... or refused to stop upon my command. I would probably just fire a warning shot to make my point, but that's really a field decision. I can't commit to it at this juncture.

Carlton Lassiter: First question: where's the bug?
Madeleine: The what?
Carlton Lassiter: The bug.
[feels under the coffee table]
Carlton Lassiter: Nothing new in this area. It must be concealed on your person.
Madeleine: I honestly don't have anything on me.
Carlton Lassiter: Then you wouldn't be opposed to me patting you down.
Madeleine: Actually, I'm very opposed to that.
Carlton Lassiter: Would you be willing to submit to a polygraph?

"Psych: Murder?... Anyone?... Anyone?... Bueller? (#3.2)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: [about his date] We met at the Santa Barbara Bowl at the Ravi Shankar concert last week, and she asked me out on a date.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Who goes to someone else's reunion when they barely even know them?
Shawn Spencer: Who goes to a Ravi Shankar concert?

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Lassiter, what are you doing at our reunion?
Carlton Lassiter: Well, first off, of course it had to be *yours*, 'cause that's my luck. And secondly, I'm on a date.

Carlton Lassiter: [to Juliet, after arresting his date for filling prescriptions under a false name] Yeah sweety, look, if you don't mind, I'm gonna get back to this. I don't want to miss the mug shots. I having fun. It's the best date I've been on in a long time.

"Psych: Spellingg Bee (#1.2)" (2006)
Carlton Lassiter: Why would we cancel?
Juliet O'Hara: Well, a body just tumbled into the crowd.
Carlton Lassiter: It didn't land on anybody.

Shawn Spencer: I know who killed Elvin Cavanaugh.
Karen Vick: Can't he just tell us to arrest someone?
Juliet O'Hara: He does this a lot?
Karen Vick, Carlton Lassiter: Yes!

Carlton Lassiter: [Re: Shawn] Want me to cuff him?
Karen Vick: Why? Why would I want that?
Carlton Lassiter: Just a suggestion.

"Psych: Extradition: British Columbia (#4.1)" (2009)
Carlton Lassiter: [on the phone] Are you in my apartment?
Shawn Spencer: Please! I haven't snuck into your apartment in weeks. Which reminds me, we're all out of peanut butter.

Carlton Lassiter: Can you believe that? A high-ranking member of U.S. law enforcement not being allowed to carry his weapon on him!
Juliet O'Hara: Did you really think it wouldn't set off the metal detector?
Carlton Lassiter: I've got to get my hands on a gun, O'Hara. I have enemies everywhere. Maybe I can pick one up at the hotel.
Juliet O'Hara: Oh, absolutely, right downstairs in the gift shop. They have Kleenex, mixed nuts, and 9-millimeter Lugers.

Carlton Lassiter: Hello, Despereaux! Bet you're not too happy to see me right about now, are you?
Pierre Despereaux: I have absolutely no idea who you are.

"Psych: High Noon-ish (#4.3)" (2009)
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [In the back of Lassiter's car] He's going to kill us.
Shawn Spencer: What?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: He hasn't said a word the whole time he's been driving. Face it, Shawn, he's finally snapped.
Shawn Spencer: He asked us for a favor, that's all. We can leave any time we want. Case in point
[tries his window button and nothing happens. Gus does the same and nothing happens]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: This is all your fault. You and all your practical jokes you play on him.
Shawn Spencer: Those were team building exercises, to build camaraderie.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: How do you build camaraderie by changing his bank account numbers?
Carlton Lassiter: [Hearing Shawn and Gus trying to get the window buttons to work] What the hell is going on back there?
Shawn Spencer: Look, Lassie, I know I've been a tad annoying in the past, but shooting Gus and disposing of his body is the aquifer is not the answer.
Carlton Lassiter: Don't be ridiculous. I'm not gonna shoot anyone.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: He didn't say anything about knifing anybody.
Shawn Spencer: Do you really need that clarification?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It would be nice, yes.
Shawn Spencer: So what's with all the secrecy, you handsome, pasty devil?

Carlton Lassiter: I don't believe this. I send you two out there to find out what the heck's going on and you get Sheriff Hank run over by horses?
Shawn Spencer: Look, Lassie, first of all, I don't even know how to get someone run over and while we're assigning blame, the horses shouldn't get off scot-free.

Hank Mendel: [Hank has a leg wound] Gus, just bite down on my big toe to make me forget about the pain in my leg.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm not biting down on your toe.
Carlton Lassiter: Damn it, Guster, when a man asks you to bite his toe, you bite his toe.
Hank Mendel: You do it.

"Psych: Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing (#3.11)" (2009)
Shawn Spencer: Lassie, good news - we got you a grape one.
Carlton Lassiter: Told you I don't want a Popsicle.
Shawn Spencer: Ah, I guess we'll have to share this one.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: How do you share a Popsicle?
Shawn Spencer: I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's yours.
Shawn Spencer: Sweet!

Carlton Lassiter: I told you I didn't want a popsicle.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, well I guess Gus and I will have to share this one.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: How do you share a popsicle?
Shawn Spencer: Easy, I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick...
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's yours

Shawn Spencer: You want to know my process?
Carlton Lassiter: Yes.
Shawn Spencer: Well, it starts with a "Holla", and ends with a Creamsicle. And if there's time in between...
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Thundercats! Ho-oh!

"Psych: Romeo and Juliet and Juliet (#5.1)" (2010)
Shawn Spencer: [Lassiter enters City Hall] And just what are you doing here?
Carlton Lassiter: [Lying about coming to see Juliet] The mayor asked to see me.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Clearly we don't believe that.
Carlton Lassiter: You're free to believe what you want.
Shawn Spencer: Please don't say that to Gus. Now he'll just tell you that Michael Jackson isn't dead.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: He learned how to fake his dead from Lisa Marie.
Shawn Spencer: Which implies that Elvis is still alive.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Elvis died two years ago. Is there no end to your gullibility? I told you that two years ago. He was a cashier in a shoe shop, Shawn.
Shawn Spencer: No, Gus, no. No. I'm not having this conversation with you now or ever.

Carlton Lassiter: Way to go, Spencer. You are not on this case.
Shawn Spencer: What? Lassie, we've clearly crossed a threshold. Tomorrow, we should wear matching jumpsuits, nay, T-shirts. I'll be Thing 1, you be Thing 2.

Shawn Spencer: Wait, before you go, one question. Who would counterfit a 50-cent piece? Hong Kong. Nine-seventy-eight dynasty.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [correcting pronunciation] 1978.
Shawn Spencer: Ooh, that makes so much more sense.
Carlton Lassiter: You can't seriously tell me you think the Triads are involved in this?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Triads?
Shawn Spencer: Athletes.
Carlton Lassiter: Chinese gangs.
Shawn Spencer: Athletic gangs of Chinese men.
Carlton Lassiter: Very serious gangs.
Shawn Spencer: How do we speak with these Triads?
Carlton Lassiter: You don't speak with them. They're an underground society.
Shawn Spencer: You're saying I need to make an appointment.
Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, look, there are different gangs within the Triads. What are we talking about? Are we talking about the Golden Triad? The Dragon Triad?
Shawn Spencer: Regular. I think we're primarily interested in medium. Venti.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Venti is large.
Shawn Spencer: Well, then not venti. We'll speak with both gangs.
Carlton Lassiter: No. Spencer you will stay away from these people. They are legitimately dangerous, and those two gangs have been on the verge of war for years. Now, if you'll excuse me, the free information train has left the station. You'll just have to figure it all out for yourself.
Shawn Spencer: Please. Like we can't do that.

"Psych: The Old and the Restless (#2.12)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: Detective O'Hara is an officer of the law. She is a competent investigator, efficient with her paperwork, and maintains her workspace in a clean and orderly fashion. But she is, above all things, *not* *hot*!

Carlton Lassiter: You know, that is a brilliant theory, but what you've failed to take into account is that it's five degrees hotter today than this same day last year.
Shawn Spencer: Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open. It's true.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were offering up useless pieces of information.

Juliet O'Hara: Why don't you tell me why you're acting out?
Carlton Lassiter: I'm not acting out! He started it!
Juliet O'Hara: I was talking to the kid.

"Psych: Talk Derby to Me (#3.7)" (2008)
Shawn Spencer: Earlier, I got a call from the Chief. She sounded serious. Third break-in of its kind in this many months, no leads.
Carlton Lassiter: The Chief told you that?
Shawn Spencer: No, she did.
[Shawn slaps the butt of a mannequin with no arms]
Shawn Spencer: She looks like the Venus de Milo, but she prefers to be called Traci with an "i". She saw everything. Said I should check the videos in the surveillance room.
Carlton Lassiter: The mannequin told you that?
Shawn Spencer: No, the Chief did. Come on, Lassie, keep up with me.

Karen Vick: Eighty suspects? Really, Mr. Spencer, it wouldn't be possible perhaps to narrow it down just a bit, would it?
Shawn Spencer: Not without help. It's a tight group, Chief. It's a clique. It's a sisterhood of the Ya-Ya variety and it's going to take a lot more than a smile and a pack of Pall Malls to get them to talk.
Carlton Lassiter: Not a problem. Tough-to-crack suspects are right in my wheelhouse.
Shawn Spencer: Negative. We cannot go about this using a typical Lassiterian technique. We need someone on the inside.
Karen Vick: Are you saying you want to go undercover?
Shawn Spencer: Undercover, yes. Me, no. Unfortunately, I'm not qualified for this sort of thing.
Carlton Lassiter: Don't worry about it, Spencer. I've been itching to do some undercover work...and I got a new mustache guy.
Shawn Spencer: I like where your head's at because this is going to take a very specific skill set, and there's only one person in this room who can pull it off. I've just got one question...
[turns to Juliet]
Shawn Spencer: Can you skate?

Carlton Lassiter: Look, Chief, I can get results. Let me in on this.
Shawn Spencer: Sure, Chief, Lassie seems like a smart choice. We know he's a demon on wheels and, of course, he's so very good with women.
Karen Vick: Under the circumstances, I might consider you, Carlton, but you're never more obvious then when you're undercover. Perhaps you've forgotten the prosthetic nose debacle of 2005?

"Psych: Shawn vs. the Red Phantom (#1.8)" (2006)
Carlton Lassiter: You know, in case I never said it, I was really pleased when you were named as chief. "Interim" chief - I'm sure that's only temporary.
Karen Vick: Mmm-hmm.
Carlton Lassiter: And it's true, the outgoing chief was important to me. He was my mentor, he made me the cop I am today.
Karen Vick: Mmm-hmm.
Carlton Lassiter: I know the outside perception is that the force was a real "boy's club" under him, so it was really smart when they named a - you know - woman.
Karen Vick: All right, honey.
Carlton Lassiter: Excuse me, what?
Karen Vick: I love you.
Carlton Lassiter: [startled] Huh?
[Karen turns, revealing the wireless phone in her ear]
Karen Vick: Okay. No, I'll just see you when we get back, okay?
[hangs up]
Karen Vick: I'm sorry, detective, were you saying something?

Carlton Lassiter: [about the Chief's decision to go through natural childbirth] Listen, I would put myself on a morphine pump if I were going to push 11 pounds of limbs and elbows out of my...

Karen Vick: My water just broke.
Carlton Lassiter: Are you sure?
Karen Vick: No, Carlton, there's water spilling out of me for some other reason.
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, no... Oh, can you move my briefcase?

"Psych: Scary Sherry: Bianca's Toast (#1.15)" (2007)
Detective Goochberg: Scarecrow, did we get him?
Carlton Lassiter: No, no, your little pursuit kind of ended when you had a mild cardiac arrest. When were you gonna tell me about the pacemaker? And how dare you try to scale a fence in high heels? He was the *victim*, Goochberg!
Detective Goochberg: But did we get him?
Carlton Lassiter: [realizing he is talking into her deaf ear and moving to the other side] Yeah, yeah, we got him, Goochberg.

Carlton Lassiter: Did I upset you?
Karen Vick: Upset me?
Carlton Lassiter: Insult you? Demean you in some way I do not comprehend?
Karen Vick: Detective, I'm pretty sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Carlton Lassiter: The woman. The crazy woman. The half-deaf, litigating, nightmare express of a detective. Why would you put me of all people with her? I'm head detective.
Karen Vick: Honestly, Detective, I thought you two might hit it off.
Carlton Lassiter: Why would you possibly think that?
Karen Vick: Well, she kind of reminded me a little of you... you know, a few years down the road. Similar interests, outlooks. Everyone thought it was a pretty good idea.
Carlton Lassiter: [hurt] That's how people perceive me?
Karen Vick: We're all a little surprised that it didn't work out, Carlton.

"Psych: Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead (#2.16)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: Wait. You're the curator?
Sophie: Assistant Curator.
Carlton Lassiter: I'd like to speak to someone in charge.
Sophie: I am in charge.
Juliet O'Hara: She sounds in charge.

Carlton Lassiter: The mummy walked out? Come on, you're just trying to impress that pretty little assistant curator.
Shawn Spencer: Was she pretty? I hadn't noticed.
Carlton Lassiter: Really? Brown eyes, languid smile, long slender neck of a Balanchine dancer...
Juliet O'Hara: [indignant] I had three different hairstyles last week and you didn't comment on one!

"Psych: You Can't Handle This Episode (#4.10)" (2010)
Carlton Lassiter: [Standing in crimescene, Shawn professes that the aparent suicude was actually murder. Juliet starts to say something when Lassiter cuts her off] O'Hara please, I think we've got this one covered. Spencer why don't you get...
[Lassiter cuts himself off when he notices Shawn's girlfriend Abigail standing next to Shawn]
Carlton Lassiter: I'm sorry did you bring a DATE, to the crime scene?
Shawn Spencer: It was either this or ice skating
[to Abigail]
Shawn Spencer: But I'm not anti-ice skating...
Carlton Lassiter: Do you have any idea how inappropriate that is?
Shawn Spencer: Any MORE inappropriate than yelling at a co-worker in front of his lovely date?

Shawn Spencer: [to Gus in a whisper] Dude the chair... the chair he stepped on to hang himself. His legs would have naturally kicked it backwards, and yet, it's tipped forward. This is remedial stuff.
[steps forward closing his eyes and going into his 'psychic' pose]
Shawn Spencer: I do not believe this man was alone in the room when he died.
Carlton Lassiter: Spencer! Enough! I'm already on to something being fishy here without your help. Look at the position of the chair.
Shawn Spencer: [looks sincerely proud and said just audibly enough for Lassiter to hear] Good boy Lassie...

"Psych: Feet Don't Kill Me Now (#5.2)" (2010)
Carlton Lassiter: Gus, you gotta grow up. People have sex and they kill each other. That's the real world, not some magical feelings place.

Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, what's the deal, am I cuffing Charlotte the Harlot or what?
Shawn Spencer: No.
[Looking at Tonya]
Shawn Spencer: Sorry. You and I are back on dirty.
[Tonya smiles]

"Psych: And Down the Stretch Comes Murder (#2.5)" (2007)
Carlton Lassiter: [about the dead jockey] Apparently, the guy took everything in sight. He was four foot nine and three feet of that were drugs.

Juliet O'Hara: Shawn, how do you know this?
Shawn Spencer: Same way I know that as a child, Lassie wanted nothing more than a pony.
[everyone stares at Lassiter]
Carlton Lassiter: Well, come on, who didn't?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Anyone who wasn't an eight year old girl.

"Psych: Bounty Hunters! (#2.9)" (2007)
Carlton Lassiter: Just so we're clear, just so there's no confusion, let me explain this one more time in terms I know you'll understand.
[holds first hand at eye level]
Carlton Lassiter: Cops are here.
[drops second hand to waist level]
Carlton Lassiter: Bounty hunters are here.
[holds first hand slightly above second]
Carlton Lassiter: Psychics are here
Burton 'Gus' Guster: We beat bounty hunters!
Carlton Lassiter: By a knuckle.
Shawn Spencer: Where are orthodontists on this scale?
Carlton Lassiter: I'm asking for your help. Don't make me ask twice.

Carlton Lassiter: [to Byrd] Hand over the satchel.
Shawn Spencer: Ooh, satchel! I didn't think of that one.

"Psych: Cloudy... With a Chance of Murder (#1.12)" (2007)
Judge Horace Leland: [motions to Shawn] The point is, do you know this man?
Carlton Lassiter: I do.
Judge Horace Leland: And has he worked on cases for the department?
Carlton Lassiter: He has.
Shawn Spencer: There you have it.
Adam Hornstock: There you have it.
Judge Horace Leland: And was he helpful?
Carlton Lassiter: Absolutely.
Shawn Spencer: [whispering, to the stenographer] Did he just say "absolutely" with a little half-smile? I'd like that printed out, please, I'm thinking of shellacking it on a nice piece of maple. Maybe a little decoupage.

Judge Horace Leland: Would you stand and state your name for the court?
Carlton Lassiter: Carlton Lassiter, Santa Barbara Police Department, Your Honor. Head detective, eleven years... this May.
Judge Horace Leland: [sarcastic] Perhaps you'd like to inform the court of your favorite color, as well.

"Psych: Daredevils! (#3.3)" (2008)
Juliet O'Hara: [about Lassiter's date] You told the dead clown story, didn't you?
Carlton Lassiter: What? That is a funny story.
Juliet O'Hara: Clowns are funny. Stories about them being shot to death? Not so much. Please tell me you didn't draw a diagram of the bullet holes.
Carlton Lassiter: Wha - there were crayons on the table. What was I supposed to do?
Juliet O'Hara: You took her to a restaurant that had crayons on the table?

Juliet O'Hara: What are you doing?
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, I'm just talking to your friend Blair here. She's... she's great. We have so much in common!
Juliet O'Hara: She's not my friend.
Carlton Lassiter: What do you mean? You didn't send her down here to meet me?
Juliet O'Hara: No. I don't invite friends to dangerous stakeouts. But I know her. She's a professional.
Carlton Lassiter: [to Blair, dismayed] Please tell me you're a hitman.

"Psych: Gus Walks Into a Bank (#3.8)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: I am breaking about fifty codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.
Shawn Spencer: Aargh! Code! That is your biggest problem!
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, it's my problem?
Shawn Spencer: Just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don't like my methods. I know you don't like *me*. But we are pressed for time, and I'm telling you, I am vibing like crazy! Can we screw protocol and get the hell out of here?
Carlton Lassiter: You take shotgun.
Shawn Spencer: You are so sexy right now!

Shawn Spencer: All right, Jules, give me one good reason why you find this guy attractive.
Juliet O'Hara: Shawn...
Shawn Spencer: You can't give me one?
Juliet O'Hara: I can think of many!
Shawn Spencer: Is one of them that you're looking forward to giving him sponge baths in the near future?
Juliet O'Hara: I happen to find his age and his maturity appealing. He is distinguished and virile and, most importantly, he knows who he is, and *that* is attractive.
Carlton Lassiter: [amused] You two know I'm in the van, right?

"Psych: From the Earth to Starbucks (#1.10)" (2007)
Carlton Lassiter: Can I tell you a secret?
Shawn Spencer: I wouldn't recommend it, no.

Carlton Lassiter: Listen. There's something I've got to get off my chest.
Shawn Spencer: Is it your shirt? Please say no!

"Psych: Earth, Wind and... Wait for It (#3.12)" (2009)
Karen Vick: Who gave you access to the file room?
Shawn Spencer: Irrelevant! And, immaterial.
Carlton Lassiter: Chief, you're not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?
Karen Vick: Mr. Spencer...
Shawn Spencer: He's making a mockery of these proceedings! All I'm saying is that she's making a very compelling argument.
Morgan Conrad: You're an idiot.
Shawn Spencer: That's less compelling. Move to strike.
Morgan Conrad: Please remove him.
Carlton Lassiter: Gladly.
Shawn Spencer: Sidebar, Ms. Conrad.

Carlton Lassiter: I want our killer...
Shawn Spencer: Arsassin! Or karsonist?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Arsassin.

"Psych: True Grits (#6.15)" (2012)
Carlton Lassiter: [Juliet and Shawn 'arguing' about the case] You two are so breaking up over this.

Carlton Lassiter: So, when things fall apart with Spencer and you, Marlowe and I have met the perfect person.
Juliet O'Hara: [thinking] That means that person is in prison... and is a woman.
Carlton Lassiter: Which one of those is the problem?

"Psych: Thrill Seekers and Hell Raisers (#4.11)" (2010)
Shawn Spencer: Jules. Would you tell Gus it's normal for friends to discuss when they'd like to be eaten in the event of a tragic "Alive"-esque scenario?
Juliet O'Hara: Ew!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: *Thank* you.
Carlton Lassiter: Believe it or not, I'm with Spencer on this one. I would eat the three of you in the following order: O'Hara, Guster, then Spencer. I've also made a list of whose organs I'd prefer in the event I need a transplant, and, I've planned for the contingency where I'm the last man on earth and I need to choose one person from the department with whom to procreate.
[Everyone walks away]
Carlton Lassiter: Well don't worry, none of you made the list!

"Psych: Chivalry Is Not Dead... But Someone Is (#5.4)" (2010)
Shawn Spencer: [while wearing a scruffy beard prop, a cap, and a trench coat] Unlike some detectives, when Gus and i show up for a stakeout, we try to blend in with the regular people.
Juliet O'Hara: Who's Gus supposed to be?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm a regular guy in a car, I blend in fine.
Carlton Lassiter: Well at least one finally realized who the real suspect is.
Shawn Spencer: Guess someone did.
[the four spot Gillian going into the building. She stops and looks behind her, suspicious-like]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Wait, he thinks we're tailing her?
Shawn Spencer: shhh.
Carlton Lassiter: She's obviously meeting her new boy-toy. Maybe one even younger than the last.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: younger? Who does he think she's meeting with? Justin Beiber?

"Psych: Let's Get Hairy (#4.8)" (2009)
Carlton Lassiter: [Lassie, speaking impatiently into his cell phone with Shawn on the other end] "Of course I have the right address! It's the one you DIVINED!"

"Psych: Tuesday the 17th (#3.15)" (2009)
Carlton Lassiter: It's not about the past anymore, it's about tomorrow. So I'm not going to say a word, even though I want to. I want to scream to the sky that I would do anything to get you back. But I'm going to let you go because that's what you want. Once you walk out that door, I'm going to let go of everything I've been holding on to, so we can both have tomorrow.

"Psych: We'd Like to Thank the Academy (#5.13)" (2010)
Carlton Lassiter: You couldn't beat me on the field, so now you're going to try to beat me off?
Shawn Spencer: You might want to think about rephrasing that.

"Psych: Poker? I Barely Know Her (#1.14)" (2007)
[Lassiter's surprise birthday party]
Carlton Lassiter: Why are these people at my house?
Juliet O'Hara: [confused] They're your friends.
Carlton Lassiter: No, they're not.
Juliet O'Hara: Yeah, they are. I got them out of your address book.
Carlton Lassiter: You took my book?
Juliet O'Hara: Yes. I admit it, I opened your desk. I didn't want to load you up with a bunch of work people, so I just invited the ones with stars by their names.
Carlton Lassiter: [angrily] These are all people I put in jail! The stars are repeat offenders.
Karen Vick: You keep a little black book of people you've arrested?
Carlton Lassiter: Of course I do.
Shawn Spencer: Why?
Carlton Lassiter: To drive by and check on them.
[Lassiter storms into the house]
Juliet O'Hara: Oh, um... Carlton, where are you going?
Carlton Lassiter: To pack.
Juliet O'Hara: Why?
Carlton Lassiter: Because now they know where I live!

"Psych: Woman Seeking Dead Husband: Smokers Okay, No Pets (#1.4)" (2006)
Juliet O'Hara: [asking who authorized a stake-out] What about the 42.211?
Carlton Lassiter: What about it?
Juliet O'Hara: Well it states that...
Carlton Lassiter: It's superseded by a 15.75.
Juliet O'Hara: Not necessarily.
Carlton Lassiter: If you're in the juristdiction of 23.40 it is.
Juliet O'Hara: Maybe...
Carlton Lassiter: Maybe?
Shawn Spencer: [pops up in back seat] Technically, 23.40 only applies in federal cases.
Carlton Lassiter: What are you doing here?

"Psych: Shawn Gets the Yips (#4.5)" (2009)
Carlton Lassiter: A lot of people wanna kill me. I take great pride in that.

"Psych: Forget Me Not (#1.9)" (2007)
Carlton Lassiter: [to picture of a murder victim that Shawn's claiming is explaining two murders to him] What about the mountain lions? Explain that if you're so smart.
Shawn Spencer: Lassie, why are you asking him?

"Psych: Any Given Friday Night at 10PM, 9PM Central (#3.13)" (2009)
Carlton Lassiter: Yeah. We pulled up Vlad's body an hour ago.
Karen Vick: Mr. Spencer, it looks like you're a little late to the game this time.
Carlton Lassiter: What, no witty retort? No reference to some obscure 80s film? Wow! O'Hara, write this down.
Juliet O'Hara: I don't have a pen.
Carlton Lassiter: Make note of the date and time that I, Carlton Lassiter, actually shut Shawn Spencer's cavernous pie hole.
[Shawn mutters under his breath]
Carlton Lassiter: Sorry, what was that?
Shawn Spencer: Something about "Night of the Comet". Just forget it.

"Psych: Neil Simon's Lover's Retreat (#6.9)" (2011)
Jerry Kincaid: This is all a big misunderstanding. Come on.
Carlton Lassiter: Turn around, face your vehicle. Get down on your knees, cross your ankles, put your hands behind your head.
Jerry Kincaid: What, you think I'm a gymnast? That's crazy, I'm not that flexible.
Carlton Lassiter: What are you talking about? Just do it. God.

"Psych: Dual Spires (#5.12)" (2010)
Juliet O'Hara: We came up here because chief wanted us to get a positive I.D. on Paula Merall's body.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: To see if it matched the one found in Santa Barbara?
Carlton Lassiter: No, see that's the thing. We never recovered her body. Which didn't sit well with me. The inlet where she supposedly drowned has no current, which means her body should have floated up between 2.3 and 3.1 days. Oh, I know this because waiting for corpses to resurface is a passion of my life.

"Psych: Mr. Yin Presents (#4.16)" (2010)
Carlton Lassiter: Dammit, Mary, come on! What're you wearing, ankle weights?
Mary: Of course I am! But I've got a thigh spasm. It burns so deep, you guys!

"Psych: Game, Set... Muuurder? (#1.13)" (2007)
Carlton Lassiter: Scratch that. I'm gonna let you guys stick around and see what real detecitves do.
Shawn Spencer: Sweet. Just let us know when they get here.

"Psych: The Devil Is in the Details... And the Upstairs Bedroom (#4.4)" (2009)
Carlton Lassiter: Well, you can tell your senses to kiss my-
[sees a Nun walk by]
Carlton Lassiter: -sweet love biscuits.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I don't know if you made that any less offensive.

"Psych: There Might Be Blood (#3.6)" (2008)
Carlton Lassiter: This is great! Barbara just witnessed the Chief choose me over Spencer. In her eyes, my stock just went up. Now if I could just get her to witness me discharge my weapon.

"Psych: The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable (#3.4)" (2008)
Shawn Spencer: Don't I get a phone call or something?
Carlton Lassiter: No.
Shawn Spencer: Fine, how about a text message? I'll be quick. I just need to respond, "O-M-G, L-O-L!" Here's a question: how do you make the face that's winking with a tongue coming out one side?

"Psych: Truer Lies (#3.14)" (2009)
Carlton Lassiter: Then maybe you'd like to tell me who did kill him.
Lyin' Ryan: An Assassin.
Carlton Lassiter: An Assassin.
Lyin' Ryan: A hired assassin. No, two of them actually. Yes, you see, that has to be it. The night before, I went to this restaurant to get a basket of these things called Fries Cuatro Quesos Dos Fritos. You know, the ones where they inject potatoes with a four cheese mixture, fry them three quarters of the way, pull them out, batter them, fry them again, and then serve them with bacon and an ancho chili sour cream. Anyway, as I was sitting there, a car speeds right through the storefront across the street. It makes such a loud noise, I had to turn my head and look and that is when I overheard the guy with the curly-Q's on his face tell the other guy at the corner table about the assassination plot.
Shawn Spencer: Can this be true?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No way.
Shawn Spencer: I mean, is it even possible?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I couldn't imagine it.
Shawn Spencer: There's no way you can prepare a fry like that. That'd be way too much for the human palate to manage.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It would be a flavor seizure.

"Psych: Ferry Tale (#5.7)" (2010)
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [to Craig] Man, I'm really sorry
Carlton Lassiter: I'm not! There is no excuse for letting those men get the jump on you and putting those civilians at risk. At the very least, you should be bleeding to death from a bullet wound taken while trying to stop their escape.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Come on Lassiter, there's no reason to kick a man when he's already down.
Carlton Lassiter: That's exactly when a man should be kicked because that's the only way he learns. The nuns taught me that.

"Psych: Not Even Close... Encounters (#5.3)" (2010)
Juliet O'Hara: Aren't you forgetting something?
Carlton Lassiter: No.
Henry Spencer: Hey!Hey!
[Henry tries to open the locked door]
Carlton Lassiter: Chief said we were supposed to let him drive around with us, let him get to know our process. We are not currently driving.
Juliet O'Hara: You need to stop taking your frustration with Shawn out on Henry.
Carlton Lassiter: Better him than the neighbor's cat
[Lassiter reluntantly walks over to open the door for Henry]
Henry Spencer: I coulda suffocated in there!
Carlton Lassiter: Please I cracked the window.
Henry Spencer: I'm glad that Shawn peanut buttered your phone the other day.
Carlton Lassiter: I knew that was him.
Juliet O'Hara: GUYS!
Carlton Lassiter: I still have jiff in my ear.