Roxy Harvey
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Quotes for
Roxy Harvey (Character)
from "Dead Like Me" (2003)

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"Dead Like Me: Sunday Mornings (#1.9)" (2003)
[Roxy puts a ticket on a drifter's truck]
Chuck: Take it back.
Roxy Harvey: Ticket's already been written. They don't go back.
Chuck: All right. Okay, then why don't you just shove those tickets where the sun don't shine, miss?
Roxy Harvey: Step aside, sir. As I told you yesterday, if you have a complaint, there's a system in place.
Chuck: Your system can suck my dick, miss. Okay? Now I ain't ever gonna pay those fucking tickets, so just take your tickets, put 'em in your fucking pocket and walk off.
Roxy Harvey: You need to step off.
Chuck: Step off? Step off? Okay, okay... step off!
[Chuck attacks Roxy's vehicle]
Roxy Harvey: Sir, that is city property!
Chuck: You're not listening to me, okay! I ain't never gonna pay those tickets, so you take 'em back! I don't give a fuck about your goddamn rules, so take those goddamn tickets back!
[grabs the tickets and slaps them against Roxy's chest]
Roxy Harvey: Hold up, now! I can tolerate you cursing me out, screaming at me, disrespecting my vehicle but don't you *ever* put your hands on me!
[Chuck pokes Roxy repeatedly]
Georgia 'George' Lass: [v.o] And that's when Roxy decided she didn't care about breaking the rules, either.
[Roxy pulls Chuck's soul out of his body]
Roxy Harvey: Let me tell you something. I am trying to do my job, which is definitely my day job. If you keep fucking with me, there are other skills I can employ that will give your life a turn for the strange and the painful! Do you understand me?
[Chuck nods and Roxy puts his soul back]

[Roxy turns to the underpass, where Chuck was turned his car into a shrine]
Chuck: I knew you'd come back.
Roxy Harvey: I have to give you a ticket.
Chuck: Thank you. I wrote you something, too.
[takes out a wrinkled paper]
Chuck: I realized that when you did the thing that you did, that there were no words in the English language to describe it, so I came up with some words that would help other people understand. Hagelblass: the argument with God. That's what happened between you and me. Stubblerud: the moment in the Hagelblass when there's no turning back. That's when the human need to be taught a lesson.
Roxy Harvey: Hold on, sir.
Chuck: No, don't call me sir. Don't call me sir. I am nothing but a Whispanaut, an unworthy one in your presence.
Roxy Harvey: [shocked] Jesus...
Chuck: Are you Jesus?
Roxy Harvey: No, I'm not Jesus! What's your name, anyway?
Chuck: Before the Hagelblass... uh, call me Chuck.
Roxy Harvey: Okay, Chuck. I think what happened to you before was something you imagined. Maybe you had a stroke or something.
Chuck: When you separated my soul from my body...
Roxy Harvey: That didn't happen.
Chuck: - you cured me of all my anger. In one moment, you gave me all the answers.
Roxy Harvey: Nothing happened.
Chuck: *Everything* happened!

Roxy Harvey: I didn't know you smoked a pipe.
Rube Sofer: You need to fix this.
Roxy Harvey: He put his hands on me.
Rube Sofer: Last time I checked, being pissed off wasn't enough of a reason to remove a person's soul from their body. Don't do that again.
Roxy Harvey: I didn't know he'd turn into a nutball.
Rube Sofer: Well, how would you have responded, Roxy? God appeared to the man.
Roxy Harvey: I wouldn't be making up words and shit.
Rube Sofer: He's creating a mythology to take back to his people. Joseph Smith had the same thing happened to him and now the Mormons have a monopoly on the hotel industry.
Roxy Harvey: This is nothing.
Rube Sofer: A hundred years from now, people will have little plastic meter maids with bobbing heads hanging from their rearview mirrors.
Roxy Harvey: What do you want me to do.
Rube Sofer: It's about restoring the status quo. The guy wasn't supposed to get enlightened, he was supposed to get a parking ticket. You've got to turn him back into a prick. If you ever take someone's soul again without first having a post-it, I gonna break this pipe off in your ass.

[Roxy returns to the underpass, where Chuck is living in a crate]
Roxy Harvey: I had your car towed. It's going to cost you $375 to get it back, plus all the tickets. And they busted your door trying to get in, so you can kiss your car radio goodbye.
Chuck: You're a vengeful God.
Roxy Harvey: I can appreciate that you think you had some king of revelation, but I am just a meter maid and you are just a dumbass redneck. That's who we are. So we can forget all this bullshit and just get on with it.
[a young man walks by wearing a meter maid's cap and carrying a parking meter]
Roxy Harvey: Who is this?
Chuck: This is Jason. I told him about the Hagelblass and he's begun his conversion, haven't you buddy?
Roxy Harvey: Could you give us a minute, Jason?
Chuck: Go on.
Roxy Harvey: Fuck off, will you?
[Jason walks off]
Chuck: I know you do this to make me stronger. I know it.
Roxy Harvey: Chucky, I want you to listen to me, okay? God made a mistake. He wants you to go back to the way you were. God wants you to be an asshole. So you can forget all this Haggleblassen, okay? He wants you to be your old, jackass self again.
Chuck: This is a test. There's nothing that you could do to make me go back to my old self.
[Roxy grabs Chuck's balls and squeezes until he goes berserk]
Chuck: Ahh! Fuck!
Roxy Harvey: That's what I'm talking about. What's my name?
Chuck: Fat-ass bitch!
Roxy Harvey: Yes! That's who you are, baby!
[Chuck attacks Roxy's vehicle]

Dead Like Me: Life After Death (2009) (V)
Daisy Adair: Where the hell is Rube? I need my coffee.
Roxy Harvey: People, this is hallowed ground. Show some respect.
Mason: I'm showing respect. Auf Wiedersehen, der Waffle Haus.
Daisy Adair: [Puts hand on chest] Fond farewell to a shitty, little restaurant.
Mason: Which didn't extend me any more credit,
[Holds middle finger up]
Mason: so fuck you!

George Lass: [Upon meeting their new boss] Not to be all 'What the fuck?' about this but...
Roxy Harvey: What the fuck?

Mason: Goody! That means we get to play, you know, "High Risk Factor"! Okay, ready?
Roxy Harvey: [Girl runs by] Running with scissors...
Mason: [Points to barber babbling very quickly with customer] Barber on drugs, razor at throat...
Roxy Harvey: [Sees vain lady babbling] Then there's her...
Mason: What's high risk about her?
Roxy Harvey: Nothing. I just want her dead.
Daisy Adair: [Frustrated] Baenziger!
Roxy Harvey: Oh good! Now we get to play "Last Minute Panic"!

"Dead Like Me: Dead Girl Walking (#1.2)" (2003)
[revealing sidearm to a hostile man]
Roxy: Sir, I'm gonna say this as politely as possible: I will fuck you up.

Mason: [looking at a parking meter] Where do all the coins go, anyway? Doesn't seem big enough.
Roxy: There's this network of pressurized vacuum tubs underneath the sidewalk. The meters drop off their reservoir every three or four hours, it sucks through the tube and dumps back into the basement of the 7th Street Parking Office.
Mason: My God, really?
Roxy: You got shit for brains, man. I've got the keys and these bad boys hold more than you think.

"Dead Like Me: Last Call (#2.13)" (2004)
Roxy Harvey: Are you sitting or just standing guard?
Rube Sofer: [having spotted Reggie and Clancy] We're movin'.
Roxy Harvey: You love this booth.
Rube Sofer: Well, call me crazy. I need a little natural light today. Over by the window. Come on. March.

Rube Sofer: You hittin' the bottle already?
Mason: Coffee.
Rube Sofer: Irish?
Mason: I'm English.
Roxy Harvey: So, what's the deal with Daisy and this Ray guy? That dead and buried?
[Mason spits out his coffee, splashing Rube]
Rube Sofer: God damn it. This my favorite fuckin' pants. My shirt. What the fuck is the matter with you?
Mason: I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

"Dead Like Me: Pilot (#1.1)" (2003)
Betty: Oh, and always be nice to that lady at the DMV.
Roxy: I told that bitch that her weave looked like carpet, and now my social insurance number pulls up two bankruptcies!

"Dead Like Me: Reapercussions (#1.4)" (2003)
Roxy Harvey: Are you high?
Mason: I've got illegals in my bottom.
Roxy Harvey: Why do you do this to yourself?

"Dead Like Me: Vacation (#1.13)" (2003)
Roxy: [she is reading the final thoughts of the deceased as Rube enters them into a database] "It's freezing." "Mama, oh, mama." "I give up." "Fuck. It's just seaweed."
Rube: What pile is this?
Roxy: Mid-ocean deaths.

"Dead Like Me: Business Unfinished (#1.10)" (2003)
Roxy: Why do I have to have an occasion to spread the love?
Mason: Because you're an ornery bitch who eats puppy dogs for breakfast.

"Dead Like Me: Curious George (#1.3)" (2003)
Roxy: I'm gonna get a pet bird.
Mason: Don't get a bird.
Roxy: Why not?
Mason: Because they're weird. I dunno. I can't relate to a bird. They're so far removed. They've got different chromosomes... and they come from eggs...
Roxy: They have faces.
Mason: So do cockroaches. What are you going to do with a bird?
Roxy: I'm gonna stick it in a cage and feed it, what do you think I'm gonna do with it?
Mason: Well I think you should at least get one you can eat.
Roxy: I'm gonna get a friend! I'm not going to eat my friend!
Mason: They have brains the size of pistachios... it's not smart enough to be your friend.
Roxy: You don't know what you're talking about! I saw this special on PBS called "Animal Miracles" and they did a dramatic re-enactment about a guy being robbed, and he had a parrot or a cockatoo or something, and that bird lost it's shit when its owner was attacked. It opened up it's cage...
Mason: [Interrupting] Why would you put a bird in a cage if it can open the door?
Roxy: [Getting frustrated] Where else are you going to put it? It opened up it's cage and went crazy, pecked out the robbers eyes, scratched his face up like he was Tippi Hedren or some shit. And don't you tell me that's not friendship.
Mason: [a moment of silence] How big was this parrot?
Roxy: I don't know, parrot size.
Mason: Well a parrot can't take on a full-grown man unless that man is a big pussy...
Roxy: I didn't say the parrot won! The robber stabbed it with a fork and killed it's owner. The bird's dead.
Mason: So why are you getting a bird?
Roxy: [Very frustrated] It's not about homeland security, you stupid mother fucker, I'm gonna get a friend!
Mason: [Shocked] ... Jesus...

"Dead Like Me: Nighthawks (#1.12)" (2003)
Roxy: You know what your problem is? You wake up every morning wondering what the world is going to do for you. Wonder who is going to bend over backwards, kiss your ass and make you happy, when you should just thank God for another day and leave it the fuck at that.

"Dead Like Me: The Shallow End (#2.4)" (2004)
Roxy: [Slamming a man she is arresting against the hood of her car] Now you made me mad! Now we can never be friends!

"Dead Like Me: Haunted (#2.15)" (2004)
[Roxy is dressed as a princess for Halloween]
Roxy: I'm Roxy, the bad ass witch of the North-West.