Rube Sofer
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Quotes for
Rube Sofer (Character)
from "Dead Like Me" (2003)

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"Dead Like Me: Pilot (#1.1)" (2003)
George: [George was supposed to reap her first soul, a little girl] If you want her to die so bad, *you* do it!
Rube: [angrily] I can't, no one can except you. Death is non-transferable, she's *your* mark. Only you can do the deed.
George: Well then, barring any unforeseen accidents, I'd say she has another eighty years.
Rube: Yeah, well you believe me, that's eighty years she doesn't want.
George: What is that supposed to mean?
Rube: Her fate was sealed the moment she got onto that train. Her soul expired. You know what happens when you keep a soul around after its time?
George: No.
Rube: Same thing happens to milk. It spoils, goes bad, souls go bad in all kinds of ways.
George: But...
Rube: [continues to speak in quiet anger] If you're having trouble comprehending the severity of the situation, why don't you consult Webster's on the definition of bad? If you don't take her soul, it's going to wither and die and rot inside her. I've seen it happen. Do you wish to condemn her to that?
George: [crying] She's just a little girl. She can't die, it's cruel!
Rube: [gently] It is cruel. It's cruel she won't know what life's really like. It's cruel that she'll miss out on so much love and pain and beauty, and that's sad for everyone in the world except for her. She won't give a rat's ass, she'll be doing something different. That's just the way it is.
George: I... I just wanted to save her.

[George has just attended her own autopsy]
George: So, what's next? Onward and upward?
Rube: "Onward", not "upward". No pearly gates for you. No choirs of angels, either.
George: You dick! You're sendin' me to hell?
Rube: Don't flatter yourself. You're not that interesting.

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that longshot on top. That ozone smell you get from air purifiers. And I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable. Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don't?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.


"Dead Like Me: Last Call (#2.13)" (2004)
Rube Sofer: How's the coffee today?
Reggie Lass: A little weak.

Roxy Harvey: Are you sitting or just standing guard?
Rube Sofer: [having spotted Reggie and Clancy] We're movin'.
Roxy Harvey: You love this booth.
Rube Sofer: Well, call me crazy. I need a little natural light today. Over by the window. Come on. March.

Rube Sofer: You hittin' the bottle already?
Mason: Coffee.
Rube Sofer: Irish?
Mason: I'm English.
Roxy Harvey: So, what's the deal with Daisy and this Ray guy? That dead and buried?
[Mason spits out his coffee, splashing Rube]
Rube Sofer: God damn it. This my favorite fuckin' pants. My shirt. What the fuck is the matter with you?
Mason: I'm terribly, terribly sorry.


"Dead Like Me: Dead Girl Walking (#1.2)" (2003)
Rube: [in the morgue, referring to a corpse George was supposed to reap but did not,whose soul is still inside the body] Well, you really fucked the dog, peanut.
George: I didn't make an appointment.
Rube: You had an appointment.
George: Correct me if I'm wrong, but mission accomplished.
Rube: You're wrong. That was me correcting you.

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top... that ozone smell you get from air purifiers... and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable... Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don't?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.


"Dead Like Me: Reapercussions (#1.4)" (2003)
Rube Sofer: [to Georgia] You're a constipator, peanut, you disturb my shit and that's annoying.

Georgia 'George' Lass: [thinking] It seemed like a good time to slip in under the radar.
Georgia 'George' Lass: Oh, um, I forgot to tell you; my last guy didn't show up. Just thought you might want to know. What's the soup today?
Rube Sofer: Cream of bullshit.


"Dead Like Me: Vacation (#1.13)" (2003)
Roxy: [she is reading the final thoughts of the deceased as Rube enters them into a database] "It's freezing." "Mama, oh, mama." "I give up." "Fuck. It's just seaweed."
Rube: What pile is this?
Roxy: Mid-ocean deaths.

Rube: [to George] Where's the fire?
Mason: [indirectly to Daisy] It's in my pants.
Daisy Adair: [to Mason] It's called syphillis.


"Dead Like Me: My Room (#1.6)" (2003)
Rube Sofer: You here to see... Dr. Plotkin?
Joy Lass: You mean Dr. Hanson?
Rube Sofer: Right Hanson. Plotkin's my podiatrist, I don't know why I was thinking about Plotkin, must have been staring at my foot...
Joy Lass: Are you here to see Dr. Hanson?
Rube Sofer: I've got the next appointment.
Joy Lass: She's a child psychologist.
Rube Sofer: Inner child.

Rube: Reapers come and go, that's life.


"Dead Like Me: A Cook (#1.8)" (2003)
Rube: It's like fuckin' with the Jenga tower of taste!

Rube: It's like fuckin' with the Jenga tower of taste!


"Dead Like Me: Hurry (#2.5)" (2004)
Rube Sofer: I have a question for you. Is everyone in this line an asshole?
Cutting Woman: Eh, excuse me?
Rube Sofer: Is everyone you just cut in front of an asshole?
Cutting Woman: Eh, no.
Rube Sofer: So it's just you then.
Cutting Woman: I have children in the car.
Rube Sofer: I have a cake in the oven. He's got three minutes left on the meter, she's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that - it's shameful.


"Dead Like Me: Business Unfinished (#1.10)" (2003)
Rube: 'cause life is too short - and death is too long.


"Dead Like Me: Nighthawks (#1.12)" (2003)
Mason: [meeting Rube in the diner] It's one o'clock in the fucking morning, what in fucking hell is so fucking important, for fuck's sake?
Rube: [chuckles] I'd like to see if you can use that word one more time.


"Dead Like Me: Sunday Mornings (#1.9)" (2003)
Roxy Harvey: I didn't know you smoked a pipe.
Rube Sofer: You need to fix this.
Roxy Harvey: He put his hands on me.
Rube Sofer: Last time I checked, being pissed off wasn't enough of a reason to remove a person's soul from their body. Don't do that again.
Roxy Harvey: I didn't know he'd turn into a nutball.
Rube Sofer: Well, how would you have responded, Roxy? God appeared to the man.
Roxy Harvey: I wouldn't be making up words and shit.
Rube Sofer: He's creating a mythology to take back to his people. Joseph Smith had the same thing happened to him and now the Mormons have a monopoly on the hotel industry.
Roxy Harvey: This is nothing.
Rube Sofer: A hundred years from now, people will have little plastic meter maids with bobbing heads hanging from their rearview mirrors.
Roxy Harvey: What do you want me to do.
Rube Sofer: It's about restoring the status quo. The guy wasn't supposed to get enlightened, he was supposed to get a parking ticket. You've got to turn him back into a prick. If you ever take someone's soul again without first having a post-it, I gonna break this pipe off in your ass.


"Dead Like Me: Send in the Clown (#2.1)" (2004)
Daisy Adair: These are all at the Farmer's Market in exactly 27 minutes. I smell a disaster.
Mason: No, five deaths is not a disaster.
George: How many deaths is a disaster?
Mason: More than five. Five's bullshit.
George: How many?
Mason: 16-20 is a disaster. 21 and up: catastrophe. 8-15 is a calamity.
Rube Sofer: Seven and under?
Mason: That's a crying shame.


"Dead Like Me: Haunted (#2.15)" (2004)
Mason: We're going to play a little Hallowe'en game. Now, I'm going to ask you a question and you're going to answer me. If you get it right, you win a dollar, if you get it wrong, I get all your candy. All right? Right. What original member of the Rolling Stones croaked whilst having a drowning accident?
Kids: Mick Jagger?
Mason: No, he's kind of alive and still touring.
Kids: Keith Moon?
Mason: No, that's the fucking Who.
Kids: Who?
Mason: The Who! It was Brian Jones, now hand over the candy. Now piss off. I partied with him and I reaped him, *yes*!
Rube: Stealing candy from children. Challenging.


"Dead Like Me: Reaper Madness (#1.7)" (2003)
Rube Sofer: All men are liars when pretty girls are implicated. You can see their noses growing.