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: [carrying the turkey to the table on a tray
] Cor, what a magnificent bird! Eddie
: Where? Richie
: Ha ha, gets 'em every year!
: [the baby's nappy needs changing
] Oh, here, let me have a go. I come from a large family. Richie
: [referring to Spudgun's weight
] Well, you'd have to, wouldn't you, mate?
[Spudgun flicks his fist up and hits Richie in the face behind him
: [looking at the baby that's been left on their doorstep
] Poor little mite. What a way to spend your first Christmas. Eddie
: What, lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth? It sounds pretty good to me!
: [looking at the baby, getting emotional
] Poor little blighter. His first Christmas, no family, no friends, no Christmas presents. Richie
: Well, he's got us now. We'll look after him. Spudgun
: Yeah, he can have my Christmas present. It's a box of Terry's All Gold. We'll have to wait for his little teeth to come through before he can manage the chewy ones. Eddie
: Yeah, look... he can have my Frankenstein mask I was going to scare the shit out of Richie with later.
[he holds the mask close to Richie's face, Richie yelps in fright
: [takes out a bottle with a picture of a tiger on it
] Yeah, and he can have my bottle of aftershave. It's a new one. It's called "Grrr".
[suddenly Richie is having a realisation as he looks at Eddie, Spudgun and Hedgehog kneeling around the baby's crib, wearing paper crowns
: Gold... Frankenstein... and "Grrr"... And you're all wearing crowns... And I'm a virgin! Eddie
: I thought you said you weren't? Richie
: No, I know, but I am really, I was fibbing to look hunky. Eddie
: Oh. Didn't work, did it? Richie
: No. But enough of that... Guys, if I was you I'd stay on my knees. This is it. This is the Second Coming. Eddie
: What? Richie
: [points at them
] Well, look, the three kings. Gold, Frankenstein, and "Grrr". The virgin birth.
[he notices the blue towel he's still wearing over his head from playing peek-a-boo to stop the baby crying
: And look! A blue head-scarf! I mean, that really tops it off! It's all slotting into place. I knew I was special. I always knew I was different from the other people. That's why I never got a shag! I was being kept pure, because I'm better than everyone else in the whole world! Oh, I had a few pretty narrow squeaks though. Ho ho, yes!
: No, I didn't really, I'm lying to myself.
[after noticing that boys have used fake cash
] Dick Head
: Okey boys. You stop printing money and bring me 5000 pounds at night or 'scullcrusher' Henderson will have you!
] Oh, God! Think I'll have to go for shit! Eddie
] Me too! Spudgun
] Yeah... Dave Hedgehog
: [as he looks down to his pants
] I have just been!
: All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg. Dick Head
: So, Eddie... Eddie
: My name is Deirdre Barlow. Spudgun
: Mine too. Eddie
: [pointing to Hedgehog
] Him too. Dick Head
: Well, Deirdres...
: That, my friend, is Welsh money. Richie
: They don't have any Welsh money! Spudgun
: No wonder they all vote Labour.
: What was your name again? Spudgun
: Spudgun. Richie
: Spudgun. Why do they call you 'Spudgun'? Spudgun
: Well, give me a potato and I show you why. Eddie
: No, Richie! You dont want to see that. Richie
: Well, why do they call you 'Hedgehog'? Dave Hedgehog
: Give me a hedgehog and I show you why.
: What did Medieval people do before telly? Dave Hedgehog
: Oh, they probably had their tea, didn't they? Eddie
: No, before telly was invented. Dave Hedgehog
: Oh, they had cockfights. Spudgun
: No wonder they all got the plague.
: So, er, er, mate. Erm, tell me about this road sign, sounds great! Spudgun
: Is it all right to talk, Eddie?
: Well, they put up this new road sign which says "Give Way". But, like, the thing is, the old one said "Give Way" as well, so there's no real difference, they're just the same. So, what I was saying was, why did they put up the new one? I mean, everything would have been just the same. Richie
: [takes a moment to realise Spudgun has finished
] Oh, oh, oh! Ha ha ha ha ha haa! Fantastic, that's incredible!
[Eddie has made some home-brewed liquor in his bathtub
] Dave Hedgehog
: Hello, Eddie. Eddie
: Hi, boys! Well, this is the Devil's brew! You didn't bring any led tankers with you, did you? All the cups keep dissolving. Dave Hedgehog
: No. Eddie
: Well, we'll have to use the pans, then. Here you go, help yourself!
[he hands them pans, they fill them
: Hmmm, cheers! Dave Hedgehog
[they all take a sip, which doesn't go down lightly
: Oooh! Cheeky little number! Eddie
: That's it. It has a certain robustness that demands attention! Dave Hedgehog
: Possibly medical.