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: What the fuck happened there? Eddie
: Well you keep running around shouting "What the fuck happened there?" whilst wobbling your tits about like some epileptic page 3 model.
[The pair are drinking tea made with pig's milk
: Have you noticed something really odd about the pig? In all the times you have milked it have you noticed it only has one nipple? Richie
: Yeah I had noticed that weird isn't it? Eddie
: Plus it never seems to produce a lot of milk, also have you spotted those two great bollocks it has?"
[Richie has a shocked look on face before starting to vomit
[The pair are alone in some domed room
: Hello? Eddie
: Hello! Richie
: No not you! Eddie
: Maybe I wasn't replying to you. Richie
: So then, there really is someone else here? Eddie
: Yeah I'm afraid so. Richie
: Who is it? Eddie
: Its me! Hello!
: Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom! Eddie
: Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady Fuck!
[Richie is wearing bright pink Underwear
: Where did you get those? Richie
: I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse!
[Talking about the Parrot
: What was that thing he used to say? Eddie
: Get off, Get off I'm not a sexual animal? Richie
: No not that one the other thing? Eddie
: Oi Richie get me another drink you overweight twat! Richie
: That's the one.
: Is Dave attacking that Seagull? Eddie
: Either that or he's shagging it. Richie
: No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away. Eddie
: Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts! Richie
: Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he? Eddie
: Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.
: Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember? Eddie
: Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.
: Where's the bar? Richie
: Eddie there's no bar! Eddie
: What the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there? What the fuck fuck fuck happened there? What the fuck fucking fuck fuckity fuck happened there? Richie
: Language! Eddie
: English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!
: What other options do we have? Let's explore our parameters? Eddie
: You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit there's no corners to hide in! Richie
: Just a little bit Eddie. Just a little touchy touchy it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch...Oh Fucking Homo!
: Before you go say something nice. Eddie
: Breasts! Richie
: No. Eddie
: Larger! Richie
: No, something else. Eddie
: I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and larger are the only nice things I know.
: Come on Eddie think of the money! Eddie
: What? Are you getting paid? Richie
: No, I don't get paid, it's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike? Eddie
: I knew I should have fixed those brakes. Richie
: What did you say? Eddie
: I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy. Richie
: Yeah, he's getting far too old to play me.
: Who is that awful actor who plays you? Eddie
: Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that Ginger Hair'd cunt is it? Richie
: Who? Chris Evans? Eddie
: Yeah. Richie
: No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.
: So let me get this straight, we aren't in some dark, godless void on the edge of human misery? Eddie
: No we're in Nottingham. Richie
: Same thing isn't it?
: It's not our fault we have shit actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets. Eddie
: I thought you did. Richie
: It was one of my great improvisations. Eddie
: I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway. Richie
: It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we? Eddie
: What were you doing during the interval?
: Still, at least we got the duck. Richie
: The duck? Eddie
: Yeah. It's made out of plastic! Richie
: Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery, is the use of a plastic duck? Eddie
: It floats in the bath.
[Wobbles with the duck
: Hello? Richie
: [Deep sigh
] But why? Eddie
: It's hollow. Richie
: [Starting to loose patience
] Why the duck? Eddie
: It came free with the telly. Richie
: [Almost going mad
] Eddie, everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why not get a free telly with the telly? Eddie
: Well, it'd sink in the bath!
[Eddie's stack of Malibu has been stolen
] We've been burgled! Richie
: Well, you may have been, young man, but I have never in my life! As a Christian, I am so tightly clenched - oh, oh, *burgled*!
[Eddie and Richie are watching the riots fom their window
: Some people are short-tempered, aren't they? Eddie
: Yeah. well, about four or five thousand of 'em, by the looks of things. Richie
: Yeah. But it's wonderful, though, Eddie. I mean, look. All the local communities are out there, on the streets. Eddie
: Beating the shit out of each other. Richie
: Yeah! Oh, I love carnival time. Oh, look at that policeman over there! Eddie
: Which one? Richie
: The one jumping up and down, waving his arms. Eddie
: The one that's on fire? Richie
: Yeah! Eddie
: Now, well, he's got no one to blame but himself. It was him who started it all by appealing for calm. Richie
: Was it?
: Provocative bastard! Eddie
: I mean, what's the point in having a carnival if you can't get your shopping done?
: Did you see the floats? Eddie
: I thought I'd flushed it.
[Eddie and Richie are watching the riots from their window
: Oh look! Here come the Nazis. Hurrah! That should get things going again!
[There is a sound of broken glass
: They're going into 'The Lamb & Flag'. Oh yeah, thought so. Dick's throwing them out now. Oh no, the police are throwing them back in!
[Sound of breaking glass
: Now that's just stupid! That's mindless! That's anti-social, that is! Richie
: What? Eddie
: Throwing those bottles about like that! Richie
: No, no, Eddie, they're emptied. Eddie
: Oh! Oh, that's allright, then.
[To the Nazis
: You go stucking, mate! Have one on me!
[He gets a bottle thrown at his head
: Now that'll teach you, Eddie. You should stay out of politics. Oh, look! There's Father O'Malley!
[They both make a cross, then two gunshots sound
: [To father
] Nice shooting, father!
: Blimey, he's had a few, hasn't he? Richie
: Yeah. I think he should put his clothes back on. Eddie
: Yeah. Mind you, I think his Dadness' thrown off the Nazi league. Richie
: What? Are they gone? Aw!
: [Looking through the window
] You know, these must be the best seats for the annual Hammersmith riots. Richie
: I know, I know. They are bloody marvellous, aren't they?
[There is a big explosion in front of Eddie and Richie, to which they cheer and applaud
: Well done! Eddie
: Madness! Best part of the show so far! Richie
: Encore! Eddie
: That was Fatty Amal's kebab shop. Richie
: Yeah. It was Fatty who threw the petrol bomb. Eddie
: Yeah. I saw him take out the insurance only yesterday. Same every year. Richie
: Yeah. Well, it'll be drinks on him again tonight. Eddie
: [Sirens sound
] Oh, look. Here comes the fire brigade. Richie
: [Sounds of a car braking
] Fatty's stopped them... Eddie
: ... he's having a word... Richie
: ... and money's changing hands... Eddie
: [Sirens sound again
] ... and they're off again. Richie
: He must be going for the full rebuild again this year.
[Eddie and Richie are watching burning buildings from their window
: You know, that's what I love about this country, Richie. Tradition. Richie
: Yeah, yeah. Eddie
: I mean, in the olden days, we used to let the Germans do this sort of thing for us. Richie
: I know, I know. It's shocking, isn't it? I mean, us Brits are so much better at it, aren't we? I mean, look at that! Half of London is alight! That's British craftmanship, that is!
[There is music playing from the streets
: Aw, look! There's the primary school Postman Pat float. Richie
] Aha. Eddie
] They make a little van and everything! Richie
: Aha! Oh, look, look, they're ram-rading the off-licence!
[Sound of braking glass
: Aw! Bless 'em. they're too young to know, aren't they? Eddie
: What? Richie
: Well, that you've done it already. Eddie
: Yep! Well, you have to get up early in the morning to beat uncle Eddie
[looks at a stack of boxes filled with Malibu
: . Richie
: Well, it's as I always say, Eddie. The carnival is a marvellous business opportunity. Eddie
: Would you like me to toast your marshmellows?
[Richie looks at him in disgust
: [Eddie holds up two marshmellows
: Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, marvellous, Eddie, get on with it, yes, yes, yes. Right, now, I think we should just wait for the window of Curry's to blow, and then we'll pop out and do ourselves a bit of shopping. There's a 28-inch surround sound TV with Fasttext, FST, Nicam and loads of other bullocks that nobody understands, that I have me eye on for a couple of months now. Eddie
: [Pulls back two black marshmellows from the fire
] Bit overdone. Richie
: Right. Shopping list, shopping list. I'll go grab hold of my ballpoint.
: [Glass breaks
] Oh no, Richie! No time for crap double entendres. Curry's window's just blown. They've just thrown Aswad through it! Richie
: Have they? Right. Banzai, baby! Bankrobbers on and let's go shopping!
: Oh, I'd forgotten about that! Hey Eddie, look at this!
[reaches inside his pants, gives a big yank, and gasps
: Wrong one! Take a look at this!
[tries again, and pulls a videocamera out of his pants
: Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-taaah! What do you think? Eddie
: How did you get all that in your trousers? Richie
: Well, there's plenty of room in my trousers. Sadly. Eddie
: Where did you get it from? Richie
: Well, I found it in the back of a BBC van. I mean, it was just lying there, so I thought, I'll take it. I mean, I pay my licence fee. Eddie
: No, you don't. Richie
: No, but they don't know that.
: Eddie, I think we may have found our *milieu*. Eddie
: Shall I get a mop and a bucket?
: I think you may have something there, Eddie. Eddie
: Yeah, I think it's syphilis.
[Eddie and Richie are watching a secret video of the prime minister and a woman, thinking it's him with his mother
: He's obviously got a very high fever. Richie
: Yeah. Eddie
: And that's why she sucking the poison out of him.
[They both move closer to the TV
: I wish I had a mum like that.
[They both have a painful expression
: [To TV
] Yeah, that's right! Thrash the fever out of him! Richie
: He's saying something, Eddie. What's he saying? Turn the sound up! Eddie
: [Turns the volume button
] Oh no, I think it's mute. Richie
: Well, you can lip-read. What's he saying? Eddie
: Er... "Oh, yes! Ooooh, yes! Oh, yeeeees! Ooooh, yeeeees! Oh, oh, oh, yeeeeeees! OH, YEEEEES! OH YEEEHEEEHEEES! Aaaaaah!" Richie
: Ah, he's, he's calmed down a bit now. Eddie
: Hang on, who's she? Richie
: That must be his... his aunty.
: She's very friendly, isn't she? Eddie
: I think they must be sisters. Richie
: Yeah, that'll be it.
: NO, DON'T SIT THERE! Eddie
: She can't have seen him! Richie
: He'll suffocate! Eddie
: I can't think that that's hygenic!
: That's it! I'm going to write to my M.P. Richie
: Why? Eddie
: Because I love her! Richie
] Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!
: I got a free police baton. Richie
: Whoo, interesting! Let's have a look! Eddie
: Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it at the moment
[points towards his bottom
: Nasty! Eddie
: Yeah, it's one of those new long ones as well. With the side handle. It's playing Merry Hell with my liver.
: Eddie, Eddie. What are you reading, Eddie? Eddie
: I don't know, I'm too drunk to focus.
[sitting round campfire
: What was that film where they ate each other? Eddie
: 'Deep Throat', wasn't it?
[In the park
: Yes, this looks like a good spot, a natural sort of, er... Eddie
: I'm still not asleep you know. You know, I think it's this sleeping bag. It's letting in a draft. Eddie
: [Pointing to himself not having a sleeping bag at all
] Oh my heart bleeds!
: Eddie, are you carrying a torch for her? Eddie
: [looks down
] No it's just the way my trousers rubbed up
[while camping in the park
: Come on, Eddie! We don't need birds! Besides, if we don't do it, we'll lose that bet with Mad Ken Stalin that we can live rough in the country for a week. And we haven't got fifty quid, and I'd rather hang on to my kneecaps if it's all the same with you. Eddie
: A WEEK? Richie
: Ah, er, yes, I... I was hoping to break that to you on a more opportune moment... Eddie
: A BLOODY WEEK? Richie
: Yeah, well I wasn't the one who got drunk and bet him he couldn't stick a dart in his temple! Once he'd done that, he had us over a barrel. Eddie
: But I've only got enough underwear for tonight! Richie
: That's all you've ever had! Eddie
: That's true!
[while camping in the park, Richie has put up a very small tent
: Right, well that's the toilet tent. Where do we sleep? Richie
: Oh, hahahahahahaha, look out everybody, I'm about to blow my trousers off in merriment at Eddie's sarcasm! Eddie
: Well, you mean that's the whole tent? Richie
: Eddie, this isn't just a tent. This is a World Ranger Stormbuster 4. You can go anywhere in that. Eddie
: Yeah, and we probably will as soon as the breeze gets up. Richie
: Hey, hey, don't knock it! You'll be glad with this when the bomb drops. Eddie
: What? You think that's gonna withstand a twenty megaton nuclear blast? Richie
: Well, you'll be sleeping in it tonight, so we'll find out, won't we?
: Are you sure you didn't sneak a quick peek at my underpants while I was getting into my sleeping bag? Eddie
: Absolutely, Richie. I give you my word of honour, I didn't get even the slightest glimpse of your gaudily-stained loveblob containers.
: Listen, Eddie. I think there's something outside! Eddie
: Yeah, well, there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent. Richie
: You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie. Eddie
: Yeah, well, I've had half a bottle of Scotch, what'd you expect?
: Here we are! It's a natural sort of... Eddie
: [talking about the Wombles
] Eddie would it mentally scar you if I told you there were just puppets? Eddie
: Yes it would actually. Richie
: . Eddie they were just puppets! Eddie
: [points with the stick
] Well what's that then? Richie
] That Eddie, is a hedgehog. Richie
: No it's not! That is Great Uncle Bulgaria. Richie
: Well the series has taken a sad turn for the worst then because he's running about in the nude. Eddie
: [perverted grin
] Cor! The wombles have got x-rated!
[Mr. Harrison has asked Richie and Eddie to run his shop for him while he goes to his mother's funeral
] Mr. Harrison
: I've got to be in Penge by noon. Come on, I'll show you the ropes. Richie
: Ah, no no, I don't do lifting. You'll have to show Eddie the ropes. Show me the till. Eddie
: No, no, no, no! Show me the drinks cabinet and the sign that says "Closed"!
: Er, Mr. Harrison, have you got a sort of white coat or something so that everyone knows that *I'm* the shopkeeper? Mr. Harrison
: Yeah, hang on, I'll get you one. Here you are, and here's one for you, Eddie. Richie
: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no-no, no. Haven't you got a sort of brown one for him? Mr. Harrison
: No, of course I haven't! Richie
: Or what about a little badge or something that just says "Assistant"? Mr. Harrison
: What are you talking about? Look, I'm in a hurry! Richie
: All right, all right. Well, look Eddie, you'll just have to... put your jacket on back to front or something. Eddie
: Piss off. Richie
: Oh, don't kick up a stink, Eddie, I know what I'm doing. It's nothing personal, it's just that there is a sort of "Upstairs, Downstairs" thing to any shopping experience, which the shopper needs to feel reassured about. Eddie
: [taking his jacket off and puts it on back to front
] All right. Richie
: There! Now everybody knows who everybody is.
: We're a nation of shopkeepers, you know.
: Oh, yeah, hm, hm, hm.
[he lifts the counter flap, it crushes Eddie's Hula Hoops again
: That's what makes us so great, you know. They don't call it "Great Luxembourg", do they? Hm! Or "Great France"? Eddie
: What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers? Richie
: What's so great about being a nation of shopkeepers? Eddie
: Yeah, what's so great about it? Richie
: Well, it makes us superior to everyone else. Because we know how to run a corner shop. Good grief, Eddie, it only takes an ounce of brainpower to see that. Eddie
: Well, that should suit you perfectly then. Richie
: How do you mean? I don't understand that.
: And a very good morning to you, sir, and how may I be of assistance to you on this merry day? Doctor
: And good morning to you. Now, assistant, what I'd like this fine morning... Richie
: Excuse me, hang on, hang on, d-d-d-d-d-djhh! Let's just get one thing clear, shall we? I am not an assistant. I am a shopkeeper. Doctor
: Is there a difference? Richie
: "Is there a difference"! I've got a white coat on and he's got his jacket on back to front! And that's just the tip of the iceberg mate! So let's show a bit of respect, shall we? What would you like? Doctor
: Uh, that champagne, please.
[Richie looks up at the shelf behind him then looks back at the middle-aged man in front of him
: Hm? Are you 18? Doctor
: No, I'm 54.
[Eddie slams the bottle of champagne down on the counter
: I want three bottles. Eddie
: What, are you an alcoholic? Doctor
: It's my daughter's birthday! Richie
: Ooh, it's his daughter's birthday, so he's going to drink three bottles of champagne! Well, there's modern parenthood for you!
[Eddie slams the other two bottles down on the counter
: What do you think you're doing with that? Doctor
: This is a chequebook. Richie
: But this card only guarantees you for £50, and I'm afraid these items cost more than £50. So I'm terribly sorry, you're going to have to...
[Eddie opens the till, the drawer hits Richie in the groin and he falls to the floor
: A cheque will do nicely, just make it out to Eddie Hitler. Doctor
] Hitler. Any relation? Eddie
: Yes! Richie
: [gets up
] So this is you, is it? This sort of squiggle is you. And what do you do for a living, are you some sort of modern artist, are you? Doctor
: I am a doctor. Now, bugger... orf! Richie
: [following the doctor as he leaves the shop
] Ooh, that's witty, isn't it? Took you five years of medical school to learn that one, did it? On my money, let's not forget that! Bloody students! You're all the same. I don't know why you don't just go and live in Russia! Go on, get out of my shop! Go on, bugger out of it! Go on, on your bicycle! Good grief, Eddie, sometimes I think there's only you and me left.
: Why are you putting mayonnaise on your face? Richie
: It's not mayonnaise, it's sun tan lotion. Eddie
: Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion. Richie
: What? Oh no, blast! Oh God!
[wipes his face with a towel and splutters
: Well, where's the sun tan lotion then? Eddie
: You squirted that into your cheese roll. Richie
: But I ate that! Eddie
] Yeah, I know! Richie
: Well, why didn't you tell me? Eddie
: Because I don't like you very much. Richie
: [sniggers and points at Eddie
] Now I know you're joking me! Ha ha!
: I should have been a farmer, you know. I really am an earth child. I know the deep movement. Eddie
: Only deep movement you know is when you've had a curry. Richie
: I am part Red Indian, you know. Eddie
: That'll be the curry again. Richie
: No, I am. Cherokee. Do you know, I can even tell when it's going to rain. Eddie
: How do you do that? Richie
: Well, I sort of look up, mystically, you know... check out the sky. If I see any black clouds, "That's it", I think, "rain". Eddie
: What was your Red Indian name then? Running Mouth? Sitting Down? Talking Bollocks? Richie
: Dances with the Wind. Eddie
: That'll be the curry again.
: I don't think that, as a Christian, I could look myself in the face whilst watching a dirty video. I mean, it's Sunday for Christ's sake, I mean for Heaven's, I mean for goodness sake. And are the masses all in church praising the Lord's name? No, they're all down the vid shop, trying to get their hands on "Pervy Nights in Bangkok"! I mean, it's ironic, isn't it? There's plenty of wailing and gnashing of teeth going on, but it's not happening in church! Eddie
: Well, when did you last go to church? Richie
: Well, I don't have to go, I'm Church of England.
[both watching a rented video
: It's not very sexy, is it? Eddie
: No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure". Richie
: I think this is for kids you know Eddie. I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again. Well, what else did you get? Eddie
: "Big Jugs"
: "Big Jugs"! All right!
: "A history of pottery in the nineteenth century." Anything else? Eddie
: Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look. "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam". Richie
: No Eddie, it's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam Making." Eddie
: Aw, come on, it's got to be dirty, it says "Swedish"!
: Bloody Nora! Neil Kinnock's grandparents were homosexual Martians! He's kept quiet about that, hasn't he? Richie
: Mhmmmm Eddie
: Lucky I read that, I was going to vote Labour.
: What was your name again? Spudgun
: Spudgun. Richie
: Spudgun. Why do they call you 'Spudgun'? Spudgun
: Well, give me a potato and I show you why. Eddie
: No, Richie! You dont want to see that. Richie
: Well, why do they call you 'Hedgehog'? Dave Hedgehog
: Give me a hedgehog and I show you why.
: [on Richie's birthday
] Rather a bumper crop of cards this year! Popular guy, you see, Eddie.
: Let's see, how many cards did you get for your birthday? Oh no, no, of course, how thoughtless of me, 'cause you didn't get any, did you? Eddie
: Only because you glued up the letterbox. Richie
: Now that's just sour grapes, Eddie. There was absolutely no proof that it was me. Eddie
: Well, except you couldn't get your hands out of your pockets all day. Mind you, what's new?
: [opening a birthday letter
] Here's one from all the lads on the Ark Royal. Bless 'em! They never forget an old serviceman. Eddie
: By "serviceman", I take you mean that time you got caught on board pretending to be the captain? Just to impress Ethel Cardew. Richie
: It worked. Eddie
: No it didn't. She got off with the arresting officer. Richie
: Yeah, well, it worked for him. Anyway, stop trying to spoil my birthday! Look, it says here: "Best wishes from all the lads on the Ark Royal". Eddie
: But it's in your handwriting! You've been sending it to yourself for the last seven years!
[Picks up a few cards
: This one's from Rod Steiger, this one's from Abba, with "Happy Christmas 1973" written inside it, and this one is from the People of the Soviet Union, "In grateful thanks to comrade Richie"! Richie
] It's in Russian. Eddie
: You just put the 'R's the wrong way around!
: This is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year, isn't it? Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party! Eddie
: You weren't ill. You just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green. I knew it was a hoax, because the paint washed off when that enema backfired.
: I'm sorry. Richie
: Are you? Eddie
: Yes. Richie
: Well, write it down then. Eddie
: What? Richie
: Go on! There's a pen. Write down "I'm sorry". Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat"! Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat", ten times! I shall wait for you by the television until you are ready.
] "I'm sorry I'm a twat, ten times".
: [Reading a piecie of paper, given to him by Eddie as a birthday present
] "Madame Swish, 3:30". Oh Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madame Swish! Ooh! Aah! God, at last, I'm really gonna do it! And on my birthday as well!
: Ooh! I wonder what she's like! Eddie
: She's a dead Cert, mate. A real stayer. Richie
: Really? Eddie
: Yeah, she'll come first. Richie
: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh what a pal you are! And it's all paid for? Eddie
: Um, not exactly, I'll need a tenner. Richie
: A tenner? Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it? Eddie
: Um, well, no. In that case, it's a tenner each way. Richie
] Well, how many ways are there? Eddie
: Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you? Richie
] Well, how many people are gonna be there? Eddie
: Well, a few thousand. Richie
] What? Eddie
: Well, it's Kempton! Richie
: Kempton? I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30! Eddie
: You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly! Richie
] They're gonna televise it? What if my auntie's watching? Eddie
: Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse? Eddie
] A horse? Eddie
: Yeah! Richie
] Madame Swish is... is a horse? Eddie
: Yeah! Well, what d'you think it was? Richie
] Oh no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking. Eddie
: I have given you a red hot tip! Richie
] I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?
: Well, it's a simple equation: I haven't got any friends, so I'm gonna kill myself. Eddie, go upstairs and get the razorblades. Eddie
: Right you are, old mate. What d'you want, safety or non-safety?
: What did Medieval people do before telly? Dave Hedgehog
: Oh, they probably had their tea, didn't they? Eddie
: No, before telly was invented. Dave Hedgehog
: Oh, they had cockfights. Spudgun
: No wonder they all got the plague.
[after noticing that boys have used fake cash
] Dick Head
: Okey boys. You stop printing money and bring me 5000 pounds at night or 'scullcrusher' Henderson will have you!
] Oh, God! Think I'll have to go for shit! Eddie
] Me too! Spudgun
] Yeah... Dave Hedgehog
: [as he looks down to his pants
] I have just been!
: I'll have a pint of mild in a half-pint glass.
] Nice weather we're having. Dick Head
] It's raining. Eddie
: Enough with the pleasantries... drinks all round., Dick Head
: Of course there's drinks all round, it's a pub!
: They're the Queen's jugs. Richie
: A. The Queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B. If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver, she'd save 'em up for the fifty! Eddie
: If you have a look at my fifty, you may find it a bit more risque.
[Richie glances at it and winces
: Eddie, that's tantamount to treason!... She's got three knockers! Eddie
: No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle. Richie
: Are you insane? You couldn't buy these under the counter in Hamburg! Eddie
: That's the point, mate. The barkeeper will be so mesmerised by the classy erotica, I'll have had ten pints by the time he realises how crap the squiggly lines are!
: All for one and one for all! You go first, I've got a bad leg. Dick Head
: So, Eddie... Eddie
: My name is Deirdre Barlow. Spudgun
: Mine too. Eddie
: [pointing to Hedgehog
] Him too. Dick Head
: Well, Deirdres...
: That, my friend, is Welsh money. Richie
: They don't have any Welsh money! Spudgun
: No wonder they all vote Labour.
: [being forced to pay off Skullcrusher, an irate forger
] Is there some sort of problem, officer? 'Skullcrusher' Henderson
: I can't take this money. It's been forged! Eddie
: No it's not! 'Skullcrusher' Henderson
: Yes it is! I'm the one who forged it!
[holds up a note and points to where the Queen's face should be
] 'Skullcrusher' Henderson
: Look, that ain't the Queen, it's Danny LaRue! Eddie
: Well, it's *a* queen!
[as many things has gone bad on Christmas eve
: Don't worry, Eddie, it's only half past eight. Eddie
: [slowly and loud
] Half past eight! And all's crap!
: You know, what we need are some girls with really big breasts. Eddie
: You've been saying that for 20 years. Richie
: Not for me you fool, for the baby.
: Not sprouts, I hate sprouts. Richie
: Will you stop whinging Eddie, nobody likes sprouts. Eddie
: Then why are we having them then? Richie
: Because it's Christmas.
: [carrying the turkey to the table on a tray
] Cor, what a magnificent bird! Eddie
: Where? Richie
: Ha ha, gets 'em every year!
: [looking at the baby that's been left on their doorstep
] Poor little mite. What a way to spend your first Christmas. Eddie
: What, lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth? It sounds pretty good to me!
: [looking at the baby, getting emotional
] Poor little blighter. His first Christmas, no family, no friends, no Christmas presents. Richie
: Well, he's got us now. We'll look after him. Spudgun
: Yeah, he can have my Christmas present. It's a box of Terry's All Gold. We'll have to wait for his little teeth to come through before he can manage the chewy ones. Eddie
: Yeah, look... he can have my Frankenstein mask I was going to scare the shit out of Richie with later.
[he holds the mask close to Richie's face, Richie yelps in fright
: [takes out a bottle with a picture of a tiger on it
] Yeah, and he can have my bottle of aftershave. It's a new one. It's called "Grrr".
[suddenly Richie is having a realisation as he looks at Eddie, Spudgun and Hedgehog kneeling around the baby's crib, wearing paper crowns
: Gold... Frankenstein... and "Grrr"... And you're all wearing crowns... And I'm a virgin! Eddie
: I thought you said you weren't? Richie
: No, I know, but I am really, I was fibbing to look hunky. Eddie
: Oh. Didn't work, did it? Richie
: No. But enough of that... Guys, if I was you I'd stay on my knees. This is it. This is the Second Coming. Eddie
: What? Richie
: [points at them
] Well, look, the three kings. Gold, Frankenstein, and "Grrr". The virgin birth.
[he notices the blue towel he's still wearing over his head from playing peek-a-boo to stop the baby crying
: And look! A blue head-scarf! I mean, that really tops it off! It's all slotting into place. I knew I was special. I always knew I was different from the other people. That's why I never got a shag! I was being kept pure, because I'm better than everyone else in the whole world! Oh, I had a few pretty narrow squeaks though. Ho ho, yes!
: No, I didn't really, I'm lying to myself.
: Oh god! How long have we been up here? Eddie
: about 7 minutes Richie
: it feels like 8 and a half minutes
: [facing imminent death
] You know, I think I might come back as a bra. Richie
: What? Eddie
: Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation. Richie
: When did you become a Buddhist? Eddie
: About 5 seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life! Richie
: But you can't come back as a bra! That's just stupid! You have to come back as something organic. Eddie
: All right, all right, I'm only a beginner you know! Errr... all right then, I'll come back as... ah! Claudia Schiffer! She's seriously organic! Yes, and then when it rained, I could run outside in a thin white cotton dress and get completely soaked, and then I'd run back in doors and I'd look at myself and I'd say 'Oooh, look!' you're all wet! You'd better strip off slowly in front of a mirror!'
: What did we do? What did we do? Eddie
: Well it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant. Richie
: I thought she was a girl. Eddie
: They were pectorals you fool! Richie
: Well she had an earring. Eddie
: Yeah, through HER foreskin. Richie
: Yes, which I found out later much to my distress!
: Well yes, I can see your point. Eddie
: It's this new skirt, it racks up very easily.
: You know mate, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, if we ever get back to Blighty, I'm really gonna change the way I live... find a piece of land, find a beautiful woman, hell, maybe even raise a few kids Eddie
: Ahhhh, quit dreaming. We're not gonna pull through to the other end of this one, Skip. Richie
: No you've got to dreeeeam Eddie. You've got to hold on to the dreeeeeam! Eddie
: Can I ask you a question? Richie
: Shoot from the hip Eddie, that's always been your style. Eddie
: WHY ARE WE TALKING SUCH COMPLETE AND UTTER BOLLOCKS?
[he proceeds to beat Richie
: [to God, who has just saved them from imminent death
] Nice. Very nice. Nice beard too.
: I'd rather cut off my penis with a rusty bread knife.
: [to Richie
] How's your sausage? Richie
: [looking surprised
] 's A bit personal, isn't it? Oh, I see, you mean my *sausage*!
[points at frying pan
: Yes? Richie
: You're asking me about my sausage? Eddie
: Sausage, yes? Richie
: Not my penis? Eddie
] No! Richie
: Oh, thank heavens for that! Well, what can I tell you, Eddie, it's an absolute disaster! I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark! I mean, you put the sausage in the pan, you set it on fire, and what happens? It gets incinerated! Eddie
: Well, maybe we should eat our flakes?
[Richie looks disgusted. Eddie holds up a box of cornflakes
: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I see what you mean, yes! I think I'm getting "double entendre disease"! Eddie
: Can I drink your juice? Richie
: [looking revolted, then realizing
] Oh! Oh, yes! Yes, of course, go ahead! I think I'm going mad this morning!
[knocking on the front door
: Someone's giving our knocker a damn good banging! I'd better go see who it is! Richie
: Righty 'o! I'll grab a hold of my sausage and give it a good seeing-to!
: Have you hollowed out your pumpkins? Eddie
: I BEG YOUR PARDON? Oh, oh, you mean the vegetable?
[Eddie has made an exploding carrot
: Bloo-dy bril-jant, Eddie! Yeah! Hey, got any more? Eddie
: Mais oui, mon brave! Richie
: What? Eddie
: Certainement, mon general! Richie
: Oh Christ, he's gone all Welsh on me again!
: Well, I just got to finish my sprouts Mexicain, and we're all set! Eddie
: Sprouts Mexicain? Richie
] Sprouts Mexicain! Eddie
: What's that? Richie
: Well, it's a... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tabasco sauce - well, three bottles, actually. Not so much a hint, more a party political broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gun powder! Eddie
: *Sprouts*? Richie
: Yeah! They were left over from last Christmas!
[taps his bottom
: Ta ta-ta-ta ta-ta! Eddie
: But it's October! Richie
: Yes, yes, I know, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover up any embarassment!
: Hey, they must be ready!
[Eddie has made some home-brewed liquor in his bathtub
] Dave Hedgehog
: Hello, Eddie. Eddie
: Hi, boys! Well, this is the Devil's brew! You didn't bring any led tankers with you, did you? All the cups keep dissolving. Dave Hedgehog
: No. Eddie
: Well, we'll have to use the pans, then. Here you go, help yourself!
[he hands them pans, they fill them
: Hmmm, cheers! Dave Hedgehog
[they all take a sip, which doesn't go down lightly
: Oooh! Cheeky little number! Eddie
: That's it. It has a certain robustness that demands attention! Dave Hedgehog
: Possibly medical.
[Tasting five years old yoghurt
: It doesn't taste like banana and peach...
[doing Crossword puzzle
: Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold". Richie
: "Harold"? Eddie
: Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog! Richie
: Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we? Eddie
: No we didn't, that's why we had to eat his dog.
: What about pin the tail on the donkey? Eddie
: We haven't got a donkey. Richie
: Well er, pin the tail on the chicken. Eddie
: We haven't got a tail. Richie
: Well pin the sausage on the chicken. Eddie
: We haven't got a chicken. Richie
: Well pin the sausage on the fridge. Eddie
: Or a pin. Richie
: Sellotape a sausage to the fridge. Eddie
: We haven't got a sausage. Richie
: Put a bit of Sellotape on the fridge! Eddie
: Not much of game, is it?
: So, you think you're good at games, do you, big boy? Well, what about a real game? A game of champions! The clash of the great big minds! The battle of the Titans! Eddie
: You don't mean...? Richie
: Yes! Eddie
: ...a 'See How Much Custard You Can Hold In Your Underpants' competition? Richie
: Yeah... no! Although that's a bloody good idea. We might come on to that later, if my idea doesn't work out. But this time, I really think you ought to let the custard cool down a little bit. Eddie
: And that handstand rule is a complete disaster. Richie
: Apart from that, bloody good game. Eddie
: Absolutely. Mind you, you always have a considerable advantage because your underpants are so stupendously huge.
: Richie! I've been here since ten o' clock last night! It's now five o' clock in the morning.We've finished of the Pernod, the Ouzo, the Old Spice, even the industrial-strength floor cleaner, three liters of it! I've explained the rules of chess to you 124 times, and I'm buggered if I'm gonna let you delay the game another ten minutes while you scan through a few back issues of Amateur Photographer! OKAY?
: [to the camera, whilst banging Richie's head between the refrigerator door
] You know, it's funny. They say that television encourages violence. But I'm smashing his face in, and we haven't got one!
: Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellsley. Richie
: Oo she sounds ni... Lily Linneker
] -Obstronsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, third vicountess of Moldavia. Eddie
: Brilliant! We'll have half a dozen.
[Richie and Eddie are waiting outside Lily Linneker's Love Bureau
] Lily Linneker
: Hello, gentlemen, sorry to have kept you waiting. Which one of you is Mr. Hitler? Eddie
: Oh, that'll be me. Lily Linneker
: Any relation? Eddie
] Well, I've got a mother. Lily Linneker
: No, no no no, I meant Adolf Hitler. Eddie
: Yes, that's her!
[Richie's date repeatedly knocks on the door
: All right, all right! Take it easy you bitch!
: I mean, Your Bitchness... I mean Lady Bitch of, oh God Eddie, what do you call them? Eddie
: Jugs, what do you call them?
[Richie tries to impress his date, Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Ovlomov Boblomov Dob, third viscountess of Moldavia
: What was it Shakespeare used to say? Eddie
: [dressed as a butler
] Um..."Hello, my dear. I'm a playwriter, you know. Come on, give us a snog". Richie
: No, Eddie! Eddie
: Um..."Where's my quill? Bloody Hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?" Richie
: [laughing nervously
] No, really! What was it he used to say? Eddie
: "What do you mean, it's crap? There's eight bodies at the end, and he gets to shag his Mum!"
[Richie punches Eddie in the groin
: [indicating the posh nosh he has bought to impress his expensive date
] I had to sell a kidney to buy this lot. Eddie
: Well, they didn't want mine. Richie
: Well, they're not much good pickled are they! Mind you, Sarsons showed some interest.
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: Chef's hurt himself. Richard Twat
: How badly? Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: Indescribably badly. He hit his head on a frying pan seventeen times.
: Will you stop making those owl noises? Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: Sorry Richard Twat
: Now come on
[Rich slips and lands with his eye in the candle
] Richard Twat
[Lights go out then Eddy lights another candle
] Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: Rich are you alright? Richard Twat
: Candle in the eye. Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: What? Richard Twat
: Candle in the eye
[rich points to his eye
] Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: Oh righto
[Eddy shoves the candle in Richies unburnt eye
] Richard Twat
: [opens the till and finds it empty
] What are the advance bookings, like? Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: Ah, not too good. Richard Twat
: [shuts the till
] Ooooooooh, God! Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: Come on, Richie, it's not that bad. Richard Twat
: Yes, it is, I just trapped the tip of my penis in the till drawer! Mrs Foxfur
: [Eddie open the till
] Oh, Mr Twat! Richard Twat
: It's Thwaite,
] Richard Twat
: I thought you said the guests have gone. Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: I thought she was dead.
: What about that ring Mrs Nice
: I never take it off. Richard Twat
: Well what about the watch then? Is that expensive? Mr Nice
: Oh, it's just a cheap copy. Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: Well that will do, the pawnbroker is very shortsighted. Richard Twat
: EDDIE! means, that you don't need a watch in paradise. Time... stops here
[Mr. Nice hands over the watch
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba
: [Explosion. Miss Carbonara raises an enquiring eyebrow
] Mice. Basque separatist mice.
: Oh, there's a nice little piece of object d'art! Must be worth at least two an' a half grand... I'll give yer £1.50 for it! Eddie
: Uhh... let's haggle. Pawnbroker
: OK, a quid. Eddie
: No, let's haggle upwards. Pawnbroker
: OK, 50p! Eddie
: God, they don't call you Harry The Bastard for nothing, do they? Pawnbroker
: No. They call me Ted.
: My Uncle Percy used to be in the trenches in the First World War. You know what he used to say? Richie
: What? Eddie
: ARGH! BLOODY HELL, GERMANS! THOUSANDS OF THEM! AND THEY'RE ALL GONNA SHOOT ME! ARGH! HELP ME! I WANNA GO HOME! ARGH! ARGH! AARRGH! AARRGH!
: Come on Eddie, I've got a brilliant idea! Into the lavs!
[they go into the toilets
: Okay, what's the brilliant idea? Richie
: PANIC! ARGGH! ARGGH ARGGH!
[Drunken man enters the bar, singing, he trips, and falls down
: That's Tight-mouthed Larry, the bookmaker!
[Larry is heard vomiting on the floor
: He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he?
: So, er, what did you do then? Falklands War Vet
: Well, I'd rather not talk about it. Eddie
: Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you? Falklands War Vet
: Quite the opposite, actually. Eddie
: What, you sucked water in through your eyes?
[Eddie and Richie are about to attempt to do push ups
: Okay. Une, Due, trois and Achtungh!
[pause as they are still lying face down on the floor
: How's it going? Eddie
: Like a dream mate. Richie
: You mean the kind of dream where you can't do push ups? Eddie
: That's the one.
[Richie is making a list for the holidays
: What else do we need for the beach? Eddie
: Um, tetanus jabs? Richie
: Ooh yes! Better make an appointment to see doctor Wildthroat for a booster. Eddie
: He's not a Doctor of Medicine, you know. Richie
: Well, I know, yes, but he's cheap! Eddie
: Gave you rabies last year! Richie
: But it only cost three quid! Come on, Eddie, beggars can't be choosers! Eddie
: No, but they can froth at the mouth and eat the furniture!
: [making a list for things to take on holiday
] Ooh, condoms! Eddie
: Well, we can take last year's, can't we? Richie
: But have we got any left? Eddie
: Yeah. All of 'em! Richie
: Thank God for that! I hate going to the chemist's! Keep thinking my Mum will find out. I mean, buying johnnies is just a constant embarrassment! Eddie
: What do you mean, you've only done it once! That was back in 1977! Richie
: Hey, hey, it's a bloody convincing performance, though! That shop assistant could've sworn I was French! Eddie
: Yeah, maybe that's why you came out with 50 tubes of pile cream as well! Richie
: Yes, well, maybe my mime was a little indistinctive, yes, but you know, I mean, it was worth the daytrip to Birmingham just to find a chemist who didn't know us, you know! I mean, it might have been a long way round just to buy a threepack of johnnies we never use, but I'll tell you what: there's been no piles in this house since 1977!
: [answering the door
] Hello. Mormon
: Hello. Have you ever thought what a beautiful place the Earth is? Eddie
: Yes, I have. Thank you!
[knocks the man off the stairs
: Charming man.
: Hello, I'm the gasman. Can I read your meter? Richie
: Why, hello Mr Gasman! Eddie
] What? Richie
: Hello Mr Gasman! Gasman
: Yes hello, I was wondering... Eddie
] What? Richie
] GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN! Gasman
: Do you have someone who looks after you? Can I see them please cause I need to read your meter.
: Here we are
[handing tea out
: . Three cups of... steaming cold tea. Better drink it before it gets warm. Richie
] This is the best tea in London.
[Drinks some and retches
: Are you not going to drink any of yours Eddie? Eddie
: No, I'm watching you enjoying yours. Richie
: But I drank mine, do your fair share, you bastard!
: Evening Mr. Rottweiler! Mr. Rottweiller
: What is it? Richie
: Just a friendly visit. May we come in? Mr. Rottweiller
: Bugger off, I've got a bird upstairs! Richie
: But we've brought you round... half a bottle of sherry. Eddie
: Hic! Mr. Rottweiller
: Ta very much. Anything else? Lolly
: [from inside
] Who is it darling? Mr. Rottweiller
: It's them bastards from next door! I won't be a tick. Eddie
: Have you got a real woman in there? Richie
: Cor! Can we have a look? Mr. Rottweiller
: Sod off! Richie
: Oh no, go on, go on, just a peek. Eddie
: Do you mind if I get my camera? Mr. Rottweiller
: Look, don't make me angry! Something very special's happened to me. I'm in love!, It's the real thing!, So I don't want you two jerks coming round messing things up, d'you understand? If I see either of you again tonight, I'll kill ya!
[the boys believe they've just killed the meter reader
: Hey! Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned! Why don't you give him the Kiss of Life? Richie
[pause, disgusted look
: No I will NOT! You sad pervy! We've got a dead body in the house and your first idea is to sexually assault it!
: [reads letter
] What's this? Annual membership to "Barbarella's Aerobic Fitness Centre"? Richie
: Nothing to do with me. Eddie
: It's got "Richard Richard" written on it. Richie
: Ah. Er... Eddie
] "Leotard"? Richie
: Well, er, Eddie, none of us are getting any younger. I just pop along every Wednesday afternoon and firm up. Eddie
: What, you stand at the back of a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and "firm up"?
[Eddie dressed up as Death
: All right then mortal. I can see you're eager to keep your life. How's about I offer you a straight deal? Richie
: A deal? Sure. No problem. Great. Eddie
: How much money have ya got in the house? Richie
: Oh, none. Eddie
: What about the three hundred pounds on top of the bathroom cabinet? Richie
: How do you know about that? Eddie
: God, I keep telling you mate. I'm Death, I know everything. Richie
: Everything? What, even about the...? Eddie
: Especially that you naughty boy. Richie
: All right. I'll get the money, just don't tell anybody. You wait right here.
[Eddie is dressed as "The Death", which Richie doesn't know; Richie is scared as hell
] Please, give me another chance! Eddie
: No, I won't, if you don't leave Eddie alone. Richie
: How did you know that we had fights? Eddie
: I am The Death, I know *everything*! Richie
: Uh-oh... Do you know that I have... Eddie
: I know that too, naughty boy!
: Oh, Eddie. How do you actually drive a car? Eddie
: Well, you get the wires under the radio, and jam them together until the engine fires up. Then you drink another can of special brew, aim at the post office and put a brick on the accelerator! Richie
: Riiigght! Well I'm just going to use the key and see what happens.
: Do you have a reservation? Eddie
: Yeah. I don't think we're going to get away with this.
[Eddie and Richie are pretending to be a newly-wed couple, Eddie dressed as the woman
: These saucy honeymoon undies are a bit on the cutting severe side. Richie
: Don't you worry, Eddie, you could always take 'em off later. Or maybe I'll rip 'em off with my bare teeth...
: oh no, it's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's Eddie! It's not a girl, it's Eddie, it's not a girl, it's Eddie! Oh God, I hope I don't get drunk!
: Eddie I have decided to kill myself because I'm so heavily in debt! Edward Hitler
: Fucking Hell! A line from the play!
[Punches Rik playfully on the arm, Rik slides off his chair and sits in the floor, dejectedly
] Richard Richard
: [to audience
] Just shut up and watch the play, alright?
] Richard Richard
: YOU leave me alone or we're never going to get out of South-Fucking-Hampton!
: Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks? Richard Richard
: Yes! Edward Hitler
: Well that's a great view on life isn't it? Richard Richard
: Oh who cares about views on life, I thought we were talking philosophy? Edward Hitler
: But your philosophy is bollocks Richard Richard
: So let's talk bollocks! Edward Hitler
: BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO! Richard Richard
: So let's do what we always do! Edward Hitler
: Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?
[huge applause from the audience
] Edward Hitler
: Alan Rickman eat your heart out!
] Edward Hitler
: And cue Richard Richard
: [Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side
] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends? Edward Hitler
: [Laughs to himself
] Yea, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's my only home!
[another huge applause
] Richard Richard
: Oh Eddie Eddie Eddie you were born in Southampton? Wow! Why did you ever leave? Edward Hitler
: That was a bit below the belt
[thinks of a comeback
] Edward Hitler
: Because... I found the railway station!
[another HUGE applause
] Richard Richard
: [to the audience
] Stop fucking clapping!
] Richard Richard
[to someone in the audience
] Richard Richard
: Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump! Edward Hitler
: That's no way to speak to my mother
[to the audeince
] Edward Hitler
: Sorry mum
: Richie, no! I told you to never sniff the milk, you crazy, mad fool!
[slaps Richie at each cheek repeatedly until he comes conscious
] Edward Hitler
: Oh good!
] Edward Hitler
: He's coming round!
[punches Richie repeatedly
] Richard Richard
: Where am I? Edward Hitler
: It's alright, you're safe at home with me! Richard Richard
: Oh, fuck, give me the milk! Edward Hitler
: No! It's too dangerous!
[snatches milk bottle from Richie's hands
] Edward Hitler
: JUST SAY NO! Richard Richard
: But I love being unconscious! Edward Hitler
: Very well.
[Eddie is in a sex shop talking to the assistant behind the counter
] Sex Shop Assistant
: Can I help you sir? Eddie
: Hhhh, hhhhhhhh! This is a sex shop isn't it? Sex Shop Assistant
: Yes. Eddie
: [slaps money down on the counter
] I'll have five quid's worth then! Sex Shop Assistant
: Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before. Eddie
: Haven't you? Shall I tell it again? Sex Shop Assistant
: No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum. Eddie
: You've been working here too long mate.
: I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm... well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers. Richie
: Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Woohoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?"
: Let's just be economical with the truth, errrm, something, buck, yeah hot young buck. Eddie
: What about badger? Richie
: No, no I'm more a sort of... Eddie
: HEDGHOG! Richie
: No fox! That's good, no that is good. Eddie
: Stoat! Richie
: Foxy Stoat? Yeah! It's gotta a ring to it... foxy stoat seeks... Eddie
: Pig! Richie
: Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! Oh Shut up Eddie!
: Right I shall go Mabel, but I think I ought to warn you: that if your nephew reads anymore art magazines he may well go blind.
: Cor look at the knockers on that one they're minute! Richie
: That's because that's Michael Buerk.
[about to surrender to the burglars
: No no, they might beat us up. Eddie
: What and cut our bodies into a thousand different pieces? Richie
: And skin us alive. Eddie
: And then... put on our skins. Richie
: And do foul depraved love-making to our still twitching corpses. Eddie
: And eat our livers. Richie
: And drink our blood! And play cricket with our hearts! Eddie
: Yeah... using our love truncheons as wickets! Richie
: And then do weird sort of pagan dancing flapping our skins about the room, and smearing naked girlies' breasts with our throbbing disintegrating brains! Eddie
] It's not much of an option really, is it?