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: I must say it's inspirational how you found a place for the Clampetts right nextdoor to your own. Mr. Drysdale
: The people who lived there were my best friends and neighbors for over 20 years. I'm really going to miss them. Jane Hathaway
: It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy and had to sell the place. Mr. Drysdale
: I know. I'd hate to think that my phone call to the IRS had anything to do with it.
[Talking about Laura "getting married" to Jed Clampett
] Woodrow Tyler
: You're not going to sleep with him, are you? Laura Jackson
: That's not your problem. Woodrow Tyler
: Good! Laura, I've got my hand on your butt. (Laura disconnects the line) Hold on! I've got someone on call waiting. (disconnects the line) Hello! Hello! (gets back on previous line) It was nobody! Anyways, I've got my hand on your butt and I'm squeezing. Mr. Drysdale
: Tyler, get your hand off my butt.
: Son, I want you to close your eyes for a minute. Now, imagine I've taken away your allowance, your cellphone, your car and cut you out of my will. How do you see your future? Morgan Drysdale
: Flipping frozen cow parts at Burger King? Milburn Drysdale
: And people say you're stupid.
: Where is your mother? Morgan Drysdale
: She's changing. Milburn Drysdale
: That would be too much to hope for.
] Milburn Drysdale
: I'm ruined!
: You were only with the Clampetts a day and a night. Milburn Drysdale
: Yes, they gave you a lovely room and fed you. Mr. Pinckney
: Fed Me? Sir, have you ever partaken of the curious substances which Granny so quaintly calls "vittles"?
: This is outrageous, placing me at the mercy of a kangaroo court. Milburn Drysdale
: Relax, here's a tranquilizer for you.
[hands Mr. Pinckney a check for $1000
: I would like to say that I know Arthur Pinckney to be a man of good character, and I will vouch for him. Jane Hathaway
: I too know Arthur Pinckney, and he is a man of unimpeachable integrity, impeccable demeanor, and irrefutable probity. Thank you. Jed Clampett
: Well that's one fer and one against.
: Your honor, Judge Clampett. Jed Clampett
: Ah Mr. Drysdale, strictly speakin', I ain't a judge. I'm just here to see this trial is kept fair and square and to keep Granny from shootin' that rent-skippin, sign-stealin, chicken thief.
: How are things at the Clampetts? Mr. Pinckney
: Mr. Drysdale, sir, in my 40 years as a butler, I have served in some unique households and run athwart some bizarre families, but the Clampetts, sir, if I may use one of their own curious expressions, take the rag off the bush. Milburn Drysdale
: Well now, I warned you it wouldn't exactly be smooth sailing. Mr. Pinckney
: To be precise, sir, you said you could only promise me blood, sweat, tears, and money. Milburn Drysdale
: Right. Mr. Pinckney
: I've had the blood, sweat, and tears, now I should like the money. Jane Hathaway
: You're leaving the Clampetts? Mr. Pinckney
: I'm leaving the country. Milburn Drysdale
: But you've got to stay with them, you're our cultural beachhead! Mr. Pinckney
: Consider me another Dunkirk.
: I wanted to explain about this priceless chandelier. It was designed and made for Louis XV, hung in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles. Napoleon Bonaparte planned campaigns by the light of that chandelier. Talleyrand used it, Wellington, Disraeli, Bismarck, Wilson Jed Clampett
: Mr. Drysdale, we're just plain folk. We don't mind a few things being second hand.
: You ain't never seen my family home have you? Milburn Drysdale
: No I haven't. Jed Clampett
: It's a dandy. Milburn Drysdale
: Yes those southern mansions are beautiful. I suppose it has the large white pillars. Jed Clampett
: It did, but we brung 'em along and put 'em on the beds out here. Milburn Drysdale
: No, you see, I was referring to wooden pillars. Jed Clampett
: Oh, ain't never slept on one of them.
: That's the plan for Clampett City. You'll have forty-story buildings here. Jed Clampett
: We like it the way it is. Milburn Drysdale
: But you'll make millions. Jed Clampett
: I got millions. Milburn Drysdale
: You'll make more millions. Jed Clampett
: I don't need 'em. Milburn Drysdale
: But, surely you'll want them? Jed Clampett
: What fer? Milburn Drysdale
: So you'll have them. Jed Clampett
: I got 'em. Milburn Drysdale
: But you'll make more. Jed Clampett
: I don't need 'em.
: [to bulldozer driver
] You see that General Store that says "Big Opening". Make one.
: [Milburn tells the Italian tailor to measure jed for a suit
] Milburn Drysdale
: Measure him up for a vestito nuovo Italian Tailor
: Oh si, si. Italian Tailor
: [starts measuring Jed
] Jed Clampett
: Little man, if you fixin' to tie me up, that ain't enough rope and you ain't enough man.
: Now, on your way home, if you see anything you want for Christmas, just pick it up and charge it to me. Jethro Bodine
: Hot diggety dog!
[Jethro and Elly May leave then Jethro returns carrying Janet Trego
] Jethro Bodine
: Come on Uncle Jed! I done picked out my present.
: J. D. Clampett thinks a market is just a place to buy "vittles". Mr. Fleming Pendleton
: Make a note of that. Vittles, common or preferred?
: Miss Hathaway, cooks I can get by the dozen, depositors with 40 million dollars are not so easy to come by.
: Chief, what exploded? Milburn Drysdale
: Granny! Jane Hathaway
: She has a gun? Milburn Drysdale
: She has a cannon!
: Granny's hiding in a mini skirt, I'll scare her out of it.
: Chief, that studio's been a Hollywood landmark. Why, movie history has been made there for fifty years. Milburn Drysdale
: That's long enough. Now lets make some money there.
: This project will make millions... millions... millions Jane Hathaway
: But chief, Milburn Drysdale
: Never interrupt me while I'm saying that word!
: Well in that case, there's only one solution. We'll have to get someone to do the work for Granny. Milburn Drysdale
: Now you're talking. Grab a scrub bucket and get over there. Jane Hathaway
: Chief! Milburn Drysdale
: Well you know Granny doesn't like strangers around. Jane Hathaway
: Chief, I am a highly skilled executive secretary, I'm not paid to do housework. Milburn Drysdale
: Yes, you're right. OK, while you're there, you'll be on half salary.
: You might want to make some notes on Elly's driving. Here's a handy pad for you. Dick Bremerkamp
: These are deposit slips.
: Well, how are you and Elly May Clampett getting along? Sonny Drysdale
: Marvelously. She's mad about me. Milburn Drysdale
: Oh? How do you feel? Sonny Drysdale
: The same. Milburn Drysdale
: Really? Sonny Drysdale
: I'm mad about me, too.
: What precipitated the altercation? Jed Clampett
: Well uh, huh?
[Jed looks confused
] Milburn Drysdale
: What are they fighting about? Jed Clampett
: Oh, well, they can't seem to agree about the weather.
: We want you to know how happy we are to have you, your handsome nephew, your lovely daughter, and your beautiful money er mother.
: [Jed is asked to give an acceptance speech upon receiving his honorary degree
] You have an inspirational success story for those young people. Milburn Drysdale
: I think just a simple thank you would be best. Dean Cromwell
: Nonsense, we all want to hear the inspiring story of how Mr. Clampett made his fortune. Jed Clampett
: Well, I could tell 'em that. It's short. Ya see, Granny was honin' for some gopher gravy. I went down to the slough to shoot one, but just as I cut loose, that little varmint skedaddled, and oil come a oozin' outa that slough just like sorghum out of a leaky hog trough. That's how I made my fortune. Dean Cromwell
: Perhaps a simple thank you would be best.
: I have a feeling that Granny's conjure is going to get action this time. Jed Clampett
: Oh, it's got action before. I remember one time back home, it brought every fella within 5 miles a runnin'. Milburn Drysdale
: Really? Jed Clampett
: Yep. She set the cabin on fire.
: You've got the money, ain't you Mr. Drysdale? Milburn Drysdale
: Well of course, but... Jed Clampett
: Well then go ahead and give it to her. Milburn Drysdale
: Well all right, I'll have a check drawn up. Daisy Moses
: Hold it right there! I don't want no check. I want my money... cash. Milburn Drysdale
: Cash? Daisy Moses
: Cash. Jed Clampett
: We do favor cash. Milburn Drysdale
: I haven't got 11 million. Daisy Moses
: You see, I told you, he spent it!
: How long you been married Mr. Drysdale? Milburn Drysdale
: Twenty years. Daisy Moses
: Ah, ain't that wonderful. They've had twenty years of happiness. Milburn Drysdale
: No, we had twenty-five years of happiness - then we got married.
: Actually you'll find the Clampetts to be basically fine people. All they need is a little polish. Milburn Drysdale
: Polish? They need sand blasting.
: And did you have to order ham? Don't you realize you violated a religious law by eating ham? Jane Hathaway
: I am not of that faith. Milburn Drysdale
: Join it! That stuff's expensive.
: We sure would be proud to have y'all come and take Thanksgiving vittles with us. Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
: Sonny and I wouldn't think... Milburn Drysdale
: ...of passing up an invitation like that. We'll be there.
: What a choice, I can listen to my wife or face an ugly mob. I'll take the mob. Goodbye dear.
[hangs up the phone
: Hey Jed, this here is dandy soil. Jed Clampett
: Fine Granny, we'll commence to plowin' tomorrow. Milburn Drysdale
: But this is Beveryl Hills. Jed Clampett
: Dirt is dirt.
: [Presents Jed with a gift
] With my compliments. Jed Clampett
: Well doggies! Would you look at that?... What is it? Milburn Drysdale
: It's a genuine imported Oriental magic music maker. Jethro Bodine
: Hot dog! A Japanese transistor radio!