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: [remembering a time Granny broke her hip on the ice
] The poor woman was limpin' fer two days.
: What do you think Pearl? You think I oughta move? Cousin Pearl Bodine
: Jed, how can you even ask? Look around you. You live eight miles from your nearest neighbor. You're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, and bobcats. You use kerosene lamps for light. You cook on a wood stove, summer and winter. You're drinkin' homemade moonshine, and washin' with homemade lye soap. And your bathroom is fifty feet from the house. And you ask should you move!? Jed Clampett
: [ponders all this
] Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.
] Jed Clampett
: Well, come on. Let's find that house we bought. Narrator
: House they bought? In Beverly Hills? Whoa, hold on, wait a minute! How could a bunch of hillbillies possibly buy a mansion like this? Let's take them back to their home and see how the whole thing started.
: Well, the first thing to do is get her into a dress. She's gettin' too old to be wearin' a man's duds. Lookee here - she done popped the buttons off her shirt again. Jed Clampett
: Well, Elly May carries herself proud... with her shoulders thrown back. Daisy Moses
: It ain't her shoulders that's poppin' these buttons.
: Mr. Clampett, you're a very rich man! Jed Clampett
: How big a rock did you bean him with? Elly May Clampett
: No bigger than a hedge apple.
: I know it don't sound like much, but Mr. Brewster seemed to set great store by the fact he's going to pay me in some new kind of dollar. Cousin Pearl Bodine
: There ain't no new kind of dollar. Jed Clampett
: Well it was new to me. I've heard of gold dollars, silver dollars, paper dollars, but he said he's gonna pay me in a... what'd he call them, Granny? Granny
: Million dollars.
: [while asking about Beverly Hills
] Is 'Tom Mix there? John Brewster
: No, I'm afraid Tom Mix is dead. Jed Clampett
: Oh yeah, what's the matter with me. Remember Pearl, he got shot at the end of that picture.
: That there fella's from the peetroleum company. Jed Clampett
: What's a peetroleum? Granny
: I dunno. He asked me if he could do some wildcattin' down by the slue. I said "Help yerself, we're glad to get rid of the critters"
: Whatta ya think Pearl, ya think we ought'a move? Cousin Pearl Bodine
: Jed, how can ya even ask? Look around ya... ya 8 miles from ya nearest neighbor! Ya overrun with skonks, possums, ki-yotes, bobcats... ya use kerosene lamps for lights, ya cook on a wood stove summer and winter! Ya drinkin' homemade moonshine... washin' with homemade lye soap! And ya bathroom is 50 feet from the house, and you ask if ya should move? Jed Clampett
: Yeah... reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.
[Pearl reels and falls backwards
: You hadn't ought to yell at him, he's a government man. Daisy Moses
: Fine government man you are. Ha! I bet you can't even find my still.
: What precipitated the altercation? Jed Clampett
: Well uh, huh?
[Jed looks confused
] Milburn Drysdale
: What are they fighting about? Jed Clampett
: Oh, well, they can't seem to agree about the weather.
: Did you say Granny? Jed Clampett
: Her name is Daisy. Justin Addison
: You mean Hurricane Daisy? Jed Clampett
: That's the one. Justin Addison
: Yes she is beginning to give us trouble. We just started tracking her. Jed Clampett
: I was afraid of that. Couldn't you just forget about her? She ain't doin' no harm. Justin Addison
: Not now perhaps, but if she ever moves north, there's no estimating the damage she might do. Jed Clampett
: I think I can promise you she ain't gonna move north.
: Please believe me Mr. Clampett. Daisy is a violent destructive force. She's unpredictable. She's dangerous. Jed Clampett
: I grant you all that Mr. Addison, but she's still my mother in law.
: You hadn't ought to be ashamed of your Pa. Justin Addison
: Ashamed of him? Why Dad was an MIT PHD. Jed Clampett
: You don't need to spell it out, I heard ugly words before.
: [watching a film of a rocket launch for a weather satellite
] I ain't seen nothing like that since the time your still blew up.
: Duke, I know it's askin' a heap, but if you can pull yer eyes open fer a minute, yonder is somethin' you don't see every day, a girl playin' ball... with a monkey... and a bobcat watchin'.
[Duke looks up and then goes back to sleep
] Jed Clampett
: Sorry old timer, I reckon what you was dreamin' had it beat.
: This here is Jed Clampett. Are you the weatherman? Justin Addison
: I am the supervisor of meteorological observations for this area. Jed Clampett
: Oh well, I was wantin' the weatherman. Justin Addison
: Your speaking to him. I am Justin Addison. Jed Clampett
: Well shucks, don't feel bad about that, I'm just a Clampett.
: I reckon you done what you done because you didn't know we was who we was. And if we hadn't been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you to have done what you done.
: I'm president of a bank. Jethro
: Wow, can I be president of a bank too? Jed Clampett
: Jethro that was a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr. Drysdale. Ask if you can be vice president.
[the Clampetts were flipped off by an irate motorist
] Jed Clampett
: Now why you suppose he's doing that? Jethro
: I reckon that's how people wave hello in Beverly Hills.
: [a motorists has pulled a pistol on the Clampetts
] That's real cute, son. This here's what I carry
[pulls out a huge shotgun
] Jed Clampett
: What a stupid idiot. Jed Clampett
: Did you say something, ma'am? Laura Jackson
: What a stupendous intellect. Jethro
: That's cause I "grad-ge-ated" the sixth grade, ma'am. Only took three years.
: [in mock French accent
] Some women will search for many years before they find 'a-PEE-ness. Jed Clampett
] *what?* Laura Jackson
: 'a-PEE-ness. Jed Clampett
: Oh... happiness!
: Elly, Nature made you a girl, and here lately she's been gettin' more and more positive about it.
: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in case of an emergency, oxygen masks will fall from the overhead compartment. Your seat cushion can be used as a floatin' device. Thus sayeth the Lord. Jed Clampett
: Excuse me, Reverend, but I believe you're reading the airplane safety instructions. Laura Jackson
: May we skip this part?
Elly May Clampett
: Pa come quick! Granny's sinkin' fast! Jed Clampett
: What? Elly May Clampett
: She's took to bed with double pneumonie and pond water poisonin'! Jed Clampett
: Why she never even got good and wet afore I got her outa that pond. Elly May Clampett
: Well come on Pa, she's about to breathe her last! Jed Clampett
: Granny's just tryin' to get back at me fer spoilin' her scrap with Mrs. Drysdale.
: [Granny gets riled up upon hearing that Mrs. Drysdale is downstairs
] Lay back down, you're dyin'. Daisy Moses
: I'm dyin' to belt her one.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
: Have you guessed what it is I've been trying to tell you? Jed Clampett
: No Ma'am. Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
: Can't you tell just by looking at me? Jed Clampett
: 'Fraid not. Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
: Then I must tell you. This burden is more than I can carry alone. It weighs too heavily on me. I can hide it no longer. I'm infatuated. Jed Clampett
: Well shucks Ma'am. If that's all that's been botherin' you, ferget it. You're just pleasingly plump.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
: I'd feel much better if you could put your arm around me. Jed Clampett
: Mrs. Drysdale, I could put my arm around you and have half of it left over. You've got to stop worryin' 'bout bein' fat.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
: Jed, I've been trying to tell you something in a subtle manner and I'm getting nowhere with it. Very well, I'll show you how I feel.
[Mrs. Drysdale sits on Jed's lap
] Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
: Now do you know what I've been talking about. Jed Clampett
: I do for a fact. Your plumb shuttin' off the blood to my leg.
: Jed, ain't you always told me that part of that money is mine? Jed Clampett
: That's right, one quarter. Daisy Moses
: One quarter? 25 cents out of all them millions? Jed Clampett
: I mean one fourth of all I got.
: i cain't just take my money outa Mr. Drysdale's bank without a good reason. Daisy Moses
: I'll give you plenty of reason. Has Mr. Drysdale ever took us out like Mr. Cushing done last night? Has Mr. Drysdale ever brung me a orchid? Has Mr. Drysdale ever danced with me like Mr. Cushing done? Jed Clampett
: Well no Granny, but Mr. Drysdale's got a wife. Mr. Cushing's a single man. Jed Clampett
: There's the best reason of all.
: Did you get our 45 million from Mr. Drysdale? John Cushing
: Every cent of it. It's all safe and sound, right in the Merchants Bank. Jed Clampett
: That's dandy. We'd like to see it... in cash. John Cushing
: I haven't got it. Jed Clampett
: Well Granny? Daisy Moses
: Dogged if he didn't go through it quicker than Mr. Drysdale. Jed Clampett
: I think we'd be better off back with him.
: You've got the money, ain't you Mr. Drysdale? Milburn Drysdale
: Well of course, but... Jed Clampett
: Well then go ahead and give it to her. Milburn Drysdale
: Well all right, I'll have a check drawn up. Daisy Moses
: Hold it right there! I don't want no check. I want my money... cash. Milburn Drysdale
: Cash? Daisy Moses
: Cash. Jed Clampett
: We do favor cash. Milburn Drysdale
: I haven't got 11 million. Daisy Moses
: You see, I told you, he spent it!
: I would like to say that I know Arthur Pinckney to be a man of good character, and I will vouch for him. Jane Hathaway
: I too know Arthur Pinckney, and he is a man of unimpeachable integrity, impeccable demeanor, and irrefutable probity. Thank you. Jed Clampett
: Well that's one fer and one against.
: I'd like to prepare for you a gourmet dinner. Daisy Moses
: What do ya reckon a gourmet is? Jed Clampett
: I dunno, but if he fries it good in lard, I reckon we can eat it.
: Your honor, Judge Clampett. Jed Clampett
: Ah Mr. Drysdale, strictly speakin', I ain't a judge. I'm just here to see this trial is kept fair and square and to keep Granny from shootin' that rent-skippin, sign-stealin, chicken thief.
Elly May Clampett
: I hope that soup we throwed out the winda don't kill the flowers. Daisy Moses
: How can anybody eat soup made outa turtles? Jed Clampett
: Pitiful Jethro Bodine
: And that thing he called Welsh Rabbit, didn't have no rabbit in it at all, just a lot of doggone melted cheese! Jed Clampett
: Wasn't too bad after Granny dumped the grits in it. Daisy Moses
: What was it he called that big crawdad? Elly May Clampett
: That was Lobster Thermidor. Jethro Bodine
: That didn't taste bad neither once we poured hot gopher gravy over it.
: [from the top of the stairs
] Hey Uncle Jed, there's a whole 'nother house up here! Jed Clampett
: Jethro, come down from there. That probably belongs to someone else.
: [inquiring after Jethro's Oxford credentials
] Is Jethro an Eaton man? Jed Clampett
: Knowin' Jethro, I think he went ta eatin' as soon as he was born.
: Hey Jed, this here is dandy soil. Jed Clampett
: Fine Granny, we'll commence to plowin' tomorrow. Milburn Drysdale
: But this is Beveryl Hills. Jed Clampett
: Dirt is dirt.
: And over there is where I seen that great big pink chicken. Only thing is it don't sound like a chicken. It makes a kind of hollerin' noise. Jed Clampett
: [Jed finds a croquet ball and picks it up to examine it
] I reckon you'd make a hollerin' noise too if you was to lay a egg like that.
Doctor Eugene Twombly
: [trying to settle Jed down
] You don't understand. I'm a psychiatrist. Jed Clampett
: Well, I'd try to get cured of that, if I was you.
: My cousin Pearl tells me she had no more than said "Howdy" and you commenced pullin' her to the settee.
: I reckon cousin Pearl can look after herself, but I got a daughter, Elly May, an' I catch you makin' one move in her direction, you're gonna find yourself weighin' about three bullets heavier.
: Uncle Jed, Granny, Looky here what I got. I just captured me the first prisoner. Jed Clampett
: Turn her loose! Jethro Bodine
: But she's one of the bank people! Maybe she can get our money for us. Granny
: Can you? Janet Trego
: No I can't! Jane Hathaway
: I can Jethro, capture me!
: Yonder comes Mrs. Drysdale and she's fetchin a present.
[Mrs. Drysdale arrives with a baby goat
] Jed Clampett
: Good mornin' Mrs. Drysdale. Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
: Will you please take this animal and keep it here! Jed Clampett
: Well thank you very kindly. Mrs. Margaret Drysdale
: And will you please tell Elly May we have a pet ordinance! Jed Clampett
: Oh I'd rather not, she'll be wantin' one.
: [Milburn tells the Italian tailor to measure jed for a suit
] Milburn Drysdale
: Measure him up for a vestito nuovo Italian Tailor
: Oh si, si. Italian Tailor
: [starts measuring Jed
] Jed Clampett
: Little man, if you fixin' to tie me up, that ain't enough rope and you ain't enough man.
: I'll need about 5 minutes with Mr. Drysdale. You wanna come up and visit with Miss Jane? Jethro Bodine
: No thanks Uncle Jed. She always looks at me so funny. Kind a like a... Jed Clampett
: ...hungry hound lookin' in a butcher's window?
: I have a feeling that Granny's conjure is going to get action this time. Jed Clampett
: Oh, it's got action before. I remember one time back home, it brought every fella within 5 miles a runnin'. Milburn Drysdale
: Really? Jed Clampett
: Yep. She set the cabin on fire.
: Miss Jane got herself a fella. Daisy Moses
: I ain't conjurin' for Miss Jane. I'm conjurin' for my old maid granddaughter. I aim to see her married before she's all wasted away! Jed Clampett
: Elly could waste away a good bit and still be ahead of Miss Jane.
: Howdy ma'am, I see you've come for a refill. Step right in. Granny, lady here needs some more tonic. Countess Maria
: You know, I think I'm in love with you. Jed Clampett
: Never mind Granny, she's had enough.
: Is she gittin' a hold of herself, Jed? Jed Clampett
: No Granny, so fer it's mostly me.
: My last husband was an earl. Jed Clampett
: Oh, well I got a cousin that pretty near married Earl. Countess Maria
: Really? Jed Clampett
: Yeah, Earl Scruggs, you know him?
: [about Johnny Poke
] That boy tramples on the truth worse than he did back home. He was such a liar then, he used to have to get somebody else to call his dog fer him.
: [about Johnny Poke
] The boy used to lay around the cabin so much, his Ma had to dust him.
: I'd rather be caught twixt a pair of scrappin' bobcats than two women tryin' to run the same house.
: I love you both equal an it'd pleasure me if you'd shake hands. Jethro Bodine
: And come out fightin'.
: [Elly May calls her chimp Cousin Bessie
] You hadn't ought to call that critter cousin, Elly. Elly May Clampett
: But why not? Jed Clampett
: Well you see, Jethro's your cousin and that puts Jethro and her in the same... well, never mind. I reckon i just gotta get used to bein' a monkey's uncle.
: [looking at the signs Jethro made for the boarding house
] Did you make a sign about my lye soap? Jethro Bodine
: [showing her the sign
] Oh yeah Granny. Free lye soap. Daisy Moses
: Oh that will draw them in like flies. Jed Clampett
: You got to throw in a little extra with those stiff rates you're charging. Daisy Moses
: Well Jed I'm giving every boarder a private room and all he can eat. Jed Clampett
: Yeah but a dollar a night? Daisy Moses
: Well I figure that will keep out the riff-raff.
: Well, generally a man is ashamed to be known as a home wrecker, but that rascal's got it wrote right across his back!
: You ain't heard it all. He gets paid for bustin' up homes! Daisy Moses
: Ain't there no limit to what these city folks will do for a dollar?
: Roger Diggerback, of Diggerback, Breedlove, Burnett, Henderson, Postlewaite, Johnson, Norcross, and Wesson. Jed Clampett
: By the time they call you to supper you done missed it! Roger Dickerback
: That's my *company* name. Jed Clampett
: Well, excuse me if I treat you like family cause I'll never remember it
: [to Mr. Drysdale
] Looks to me there's more than one fox here with feathers on its mouth. Suppose we all set down at the table and give all of the chickens a chance to cackle.
: You used to tote her books to school. Jethro Bodine
: Oh yeah, I used to call her cupcake. Jed Clampett
: Cupcake? Jethro Bodine
: Sweetest thing I ever put my lips to. Jed Clampett
: Louellen was? Jethro Bodine
: No, the cupcakes she used to tote to school in her lunch box.
: And then I kissed her. Jed Clampett
: You did? Jethro Bodine
: I did, there was still some icing left on her lips.
: Uncle Jed, get a hold a yourself. I got some bad news for ya. Jed Clampett
: What is it, boy? Jethro Bodine
: I hope this ain't gonna break your heart, but I just gotta say it. Jethro Bodine
: Well come on, get it over with. Jethro Bodine
: Uncle Jed, I decided I ain't gonna be a brain surgeon. Jed Clampett
: Well I reckon I can bear up under that.
: You one of them double naught spies? Mabel Slocum
: No. Jethro Bodine
: They number girl spies different. She's what you call a 36-23-36. Mabel Slocum
: Actually, I'm in new accounts at the Merchants Bank. I'd like to talk to you about using our facilities as a repository for some of your enormous reserves. Jed Clampett
: Well I'll be glad to talk to you about that a whatever it means.
: Why is he hidin'? Daisy Moses
: He thinks that little girl from Louisiana is still here waitin' to marry him. Jed Clampett
: Well why don't you leave him a note and tell him she's gone? Daisy Moses
: All right Jed. I'll do that, but I can still use a few more days of peace and quiet. I'll leave the note next Monday. Jed Clampett
: Granny... make it Tuesday.
: We ain't shootin' at the board, Granny. We is fixin' to drive them nails stickin' in it. Daisy Moses
: I still say that ain't hill country shootin'. Jed Clampett
: Granny's right, boy. See that rock over on the left. Jethro Bodine
: Yes sir. Jed Clampett
: Let's ricochet off that and then drive the nails.
: When I said that we had come to see Mrs. Drysdale, this woman said Mrs. Drysdale ain't havin' no visitors. So I says, "I reckon she's lonely, I'm glad we come."
: That's the plan for Clampett City. You'll have forty-story buildings here. Jed Clampett
: We like it the way it is. Milburn Drysdale
: But you'll make millions. Jed Clampett
: I got millions. Milburn Drysdale
: You'll make more millions. Jed Clampett
: I don't need 'em. Milburn Drysdale
: But, surely you'll want them? Jed Clampett
: What fer? Milburn Drysdale
: So you'll have them. Jed Clampett
: I got 'em. Milburn Drysdale
: But you'll make more. Jed Clampett
: I don't need 'em.
: I'm tellin' you Granny, you don't have to worry no more about Pearl comin' in your kitchen. She's gonna be spendin' her time gittin' herself a husband with her singin' and yodelin'. Daisy Moses
: Jed, it ain't legal to torture a man into marryin' you.
: They ain't no Vilma and Buddy Ebsen. Jed Clampett
: [Jed frowns
: [Jed is asked to give an acceptance speech upon receiving his honorary degree
] You have an inspirational success story for those young people. Milburn Drysdale
: I think just a simple thank you would be best. Dean Cromwell
: Nonsense, we all want to hear the inspiring story of how Mr. Clampett made his fortune. Jed Clampett
: Well, I could tell 'em that. It's short. Ya see, Granny was honin' for some gopher gravy. I went down to the slough to shoot one, but just as I cut loose, that little varmint skedaddled, and oil come a oozin' outa that slough just like sorghum out of a leaky hog trough. That's how I made my fortune. Dean Cromwell
: Perhaps a simple thank you would be best.
: You know somethin' Granny, these newspapers that Pearl uses for packin' and wrappin' is just about my favorite part of them packages from home. Granny
: What's new, Jed? Anything excitin'? Jed Clampett
: You bet. Look at that headline, "Government Puts 3 Men on Moon". Granny
: No! Jed Clampett
: Yep. Says right here, 3 government men have been put on the job of findin' local still and cuttin' off the supply of moon bein' made hereabouts.
: [Greeting Mrs. Drysdale who has shown up unexpectedly
] Well, howdy there, Mrs. Drysdale, sure is a nice surprise to have you come visit. Pearl and me were just talking about you this morning. Pearl's got a hankering to getting into society, and I said, well I hear tell when it comes to society, Mrs. Drysdale is one of the first hogs to the trough!
: So, you called Elverna? Shorty Kellems
: Yep. I told her I heard about her fixin' up the hotel and I asked her if she'd sell the hotel to me. Shad
: What did she say? Shorty Kellems
: She said, no she wouldn't. She said business was good and the hotel was full of traveling salesmen. Then I asked her if it was true she had won a beauty contest. She said it was. Jed Clampett
: See? Shorty Kellems
: Then I offered her a $200 profit and she still said no. So, we got to dickering back and forth and forth to back and finally she said to me, "Shorty Kellams" she said, "The only way you'll ever get your hands on this hotel again is if you marry me." Shad
: What did you say Shorty? Shorty Kellems
: Shad, I thought it over for a minute. Then I hit her with them three little words: Kiss my foot! Shorty Kellems
: [to Jed and Shad
] Let's play checkers.
: I declare, Granny, the huntin' in these Beverly Hills is gettin' sorrier every day. Me and Duke went as far back in the brush as you could go. The only thing we flushed out was a couple of real estate agents.
: [checking the Map to Movie Star Homes
] Let's see who they got here... Joan Crawford... Marlene Dietrich... Greta Garbo Daisy Moses
: Cain't ya find any famous ones?
: You know the Sibley sodbuster do you? Phyllis
: Oh no, but I'll learn, and I'm going to show you a few things along the way.
[dances suggestively around Jed
] Jed Clampett
: Dogged if that ain't got the Sibley sodbuster backed right off the floor.
: She's from one of those fur'n nations. Jed Clampett
: Which one? Daisy Moses
: Minneapolis... Wisconsin.
: [after Granny ran a foot race against Elly May
] Who won Jed? Jed Clampett
: Well when you passed me, appears like Elly was out in front of you a little. Granny
: That don't mean nothin'! She's out in front of me standing still.
: Follow me! We'll dance the dance of defiance! Jed Clampett
: Granny, you ever hear of that dance? Daisy Moses
: No, but if I kin watch her for a minute or two, I'll be able to pick it up.
[watching a depth-charge attack
] Jed Clampett
: Not a very sportin' way to *fish*!
: [Presents Jed with a gift
] With my compliments. Jed Clampett
: Well doggies! Would you look at that?... What is it? Milburn Drysdale
: It's a genuine imported Oriental magic music maker. Jethro Bodine
: Hot dog! A Japanese transistor radio!
: [On Eb's intelligence, or lack thereof
] Eb's a nice young feller, but if brains was lard, he wouldn't grease too big a pan.