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Quotes for
Jeffrey Anderson (Character)
from Soapdish (1991)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Soapdish (1991)
Jeffrey Anderson: You have beautiful eyes.
Ariel Maloney: Ooh, they're nothing compared to my tits.

[Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer]
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.
Edmund Edwards: [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] The test results have come back.
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] And?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid...
[pause]
Jeffrey Anderson: Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.
Burton White: What the hell?
David Barnes: [offstage] Brain fever!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly] Say it!
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Brain fever!
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...
[they both goggle at the word]
Jeffrey Anderson: Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Literally explode?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Exactly, within the next three houses.
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Hours?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Restaurant?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Restaurant, yes.
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Her brain will actually explode?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

[Explaining his proposal for a one-man Hamlet play]
Jeffrey Anderson: See, my - my theory is that all the characters are Hamlet: it's all happening in Hamlet's head. So you only need one actor.

Celeste Talbert: Oh, I'll tell you why I'm here! I'm here because... I... I...
Jeffrey Anderson: Come on, say it! "I want you, Jeffery. I'm consumed with jealousy for my neice, because I want you."
Celeste Talbert: Oh, please!
Jeffrey Anderson: Admit it, you have feelings for me.
Celeste Talbert: My feelings are ABOUT you, not FOR you. There's a big difference!

Jeffrey Anderson: You speak beautifully for a mute.

Jeffrey Anderson: No, no, no, doing dinner theatre is horrible. Doing hemorrhoid commercials is horrible. What you did... there are no words for!

Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I can kiss her!
Lori Craven: This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!
Celeste Talbert: No! You can't! You can't kiss her!
Jeffrey Anderson: Why because she's *your* neice?
Celeste Talbert: [shouts] No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.
Lori Craven: What?
Jeffrey Anderson: What are you talking about?
Celeste Talbert: We're her parents! *You* and I!
[sobbing]
Celeste Talbert: We're her Mommy and her Daddy.

Celeste Talbert: Why are you here?
Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are YOU here?

Jeffrey Anderson: One more date we would've had a Greek tragedy on our hands.

Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm an egomaniac! I have America's Sweetheart climbing up my drainpipe!

Jeffrey Anderson: Don't call me Mr. Loman! My name is Anderson! Anderson! ANDERSON!

Celeste Talbert: What are you doing here?
Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment, I live here, what are YOU doing here?

Ariel Maloney: New boy in town?
Jeffrey Anderson: Just got off the choo-choo... you have lovely eyes.
Ariel Maloney: They're nothing compared to my tits! You should come up and see them sometime!

[scene switch back and forth of Celeste, Lori, and Jeffrey in Edwards' office]
Celeste Talbert: I never worked in an atmosphere like this before.
Jeffrey Anderson: This whole pregnancy thing is a scam! I resent being treated like a leper!
Lori Craven: Having to work with these two is a personal nightmare for me. I'm on the verge of a breakdown!
Celeste Talbert: I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!
Jeffrey Anderson: I could conceivably have a breakdown.
Lori Craven: I mean, can you imagine what it's like having to face them on the set every single day?
Celeste Talbert: It just seems to get harder and harder, even though I devoted my entire life to this show.
Jeffrey Anderson: [walks back and forth lost for words] Uh...
Lori Craven: Mr. Edwards, it's them or me, that is the bottom line here. They go or I go!
Edwards: This is the toughest decision I ever have to make, but I get paid 1.2 million dollars to make these kind of command decisions. So here it is...
[eats a cracker]

[Jeffrey is about to prepare the brain transplant]
Lori Craven: MOTHER!
[Celeste sits up]
Lori Craven: No, I can't let you do this!
Burton White: She spoke?
Jeffrey Anderson: She spoke!
Montana Moorehead: Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!
Lori Craven: I can always speak! Mother...
Montana Moorehead: She's MY mother!
Celeste Talbert: MONTANA, SHUT UP!

Montana Moorehead: [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up] WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!
Jeffrey Anderson: [annoyed] I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me!
[Ariel and Rose enter as doctors]
Jeffrey Anderson: Doctor!
Ariel Maloney: A second opinion...
[Celeste mouths to Rose asking what she's doing]
Ariel Maloney: ...this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.
Rose Schwartz: Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse - Montana Moorehead - because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island. Hello!
[Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo]
Montana Moorehead: [shouts and runs off] NO! NO! NO!