Dr. Miranda Bailey
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Quotes for
Dr. Miranda Bailey (Character)
from "Grey's Anatomy" (2005)

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"Grey's Anatomy: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (#2.12)" (2005)
[Room is filled with noisy children, playing, which continues throughout the scene]
Dr. Meredith Grey: Tim Epstein, 38, fell off the roof of his house.
[One of his children is sitting on him, sticking a fake lizard to his forehead]
Tim Epstein: I was, uh, stringing Hanumas lights and a shingle came loose.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: Hanumas?
Tim Epstein: Hanumas. Christmukkah. We go all out.
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: [Smiling] Awesome.
Mrs. Epstein: He fell twelve feet.
Tim Epstein: The good news is, my head broke my fall.
[One of the children flings a fake lizard, which hits Derek in the face, who smiles in surprise]
Dr. Meredith Grey: Uh, there are no visible deformities, but he's definitely having some focal left arm weakness.
Mrs. Epstein: He'll probably be fine. He's always been a little hard-headed.
[Tim laughs, but seems to be in pain]
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Does your head hurt when you laugh?
Tim Epstein: Is that a bad thing?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Do you wanna follow my finger with your eyes, please?
Jake Epstein: [to Bailey] I know karate.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Flustered] Hmm? Uh... You know, your husband might need a little, uh, quiet, so, there's a cafeteria right down the...
Tim Epstein: No, no. Whoa. Let 'em stay. Pain or no, I don't wanna miss out on the holidays with my kids.
[Izzie is playing with the kids]
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Who would like to take Mr., uhm, Epstein down for a CT?
[Izzie's hand shoots up]
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Stevens it is.
[Izzie grins]
Dr. Derek Shepherd: [Bailey walks up to the Chief who is surveying the OR board]
Dr. Richard Webber: Anxiety attacks, aneurysms and ulcers.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Must be December.
Patricia: Chief, Adele just called.
Dr. Richard Webber: Tell her I'm in...
Patricia: She knows your not in surgery. And she said to tell you, quote, "We are going to our niece's school pageant this morning. You have known about it for months. And after what you pulled on Thanksgiving..." and then she, started using a great many words I don't feel comfortable repeating.
Dr. Richard Webber: But I have seven surgeons on vacation...
Patricia: And there was something about "divorce".
Dr. Richard Webber: [to Dr. Bailey] You'll have to cover my ulcer excision.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Yes, sir.
[Chief and Patricia are walking away]
Dr. Richard Webber: The woman is unreasonable. When did watching a six-year-old dressed up like a wise man become... You couldn't hang up the phone?

Dr. Meredith Grey: I got another one for you.
[hands a chart to Dr. Bailey]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: He tried to gift wrap a 70-inch TV for his wife?
Dr. George O'Malley: Hernia?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Strangulated. Pretty ugly.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: And you just know the wife hates TV.

[Dr. Bailey, who is pregnant, is in the OR]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Do not kick me.
Dr. George O'Malley: Excuse me?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Are you kicking me under the table, O'Malley?
Dr. George O'Malley: No!
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Then clearly, I wasn't talkin' to you.
[Dr. Bailey groans, steps back from the operating table]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Talking to her stomach] You cannot kick me while I'm doing my job.
[Massages a spot on her stomach, Meredith and George just look at her]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [pauses] Thank you.
[Goes back to the operating table, and resumes the surgery]

[Izzie walks up to Alex, who is sleeping, and slaps him]
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: Wake up.
[Alex lifts his head up]
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: God. No wonder you failed your boards. What, do you expect to learn this stuff by osmosis?
Dr. Alex Karev: What are you doing here?
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: [sighs] I'm a farmer, okay? I've been drooling, puking, and crapping in my pants.
Dr. Alex Karev: You came here to help me study?
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: Well, I'm not actually crapping my pants now, am I?
Dr. Alex Karev: Why would you want to help me after what I did?
Dr. Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens: Because, it's what JESUS, would freaking do!
Jimmy Shelton: How is she?
Nadia's Mother: Is she gonna be alright?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: She lost a lot of blood, but we were able to replace it and repair the tear. She's going to require several days' observation, but she should make a full recovery.
Jimmy Shelton: Thank God.
Nadia's Mother: Thank God is right, because we're certainly not gonna thank you. We should sue you for all you're worth. We sat here, and sat here, and sat here, and sat here...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Quietly to George] You wanna help me out?
Dr. George O'Malley: [Quietly to Bailey] Really?
Nadia's Mother: And sat here, and watched you take patient after patient...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Quietly to George] You got your second chance, just don't screw it up.
Nadia's Mother: ...And made my daughter wait for three whole days for her operation. I should sue you and this whole damned hospital!
Dr. George O'Malley: Okay, yeah. You could sue us, or you could consider the possibility of just shutting the hell up.
Nadia's Mother: What did you just say to me? Did you hear what he just...
Ernie: I heard him!
Josh Shelton: You can't talk to an old lady like that.
Nadia's Mother: Where is my daughter? I'd like to see her.
Dr. George O'Malley: Well you can't. I'm her doctor, she is my patient, and this is a hospital, which is the kind of place where people could generally use a little peace and quiet. So, no. Right now, you can't see her. And I am not saying this because you threatened to sue Dr. Bailey, who spent the last several hours saving your daughter's life, saving your wife's life. I am saying this because she is my patient and she is the recovery wing of this hospital trying to recover, and visiting hours are over. So, good night. And, Merry Christmas.
[Walks away]
Dr. George O'Malley: [Bailey, with her arms folded, stares down the family]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Interns. Too emotional. Apologies.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: Grey, Karev, cover the pit. You can expect all sorts of holiday idiocy sooo... that is my gift to you.

"Grey's Anatomy: As We Know It (#2.17)" (2006)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: O'Malley!
Dr. George O'Malley: Yeah?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Stop looking at my va-jay-jay!
Dr. George O'Malley: Yes ma'am.

Dr. George O'Malley: [George is behind Baily as she's giving birth, and is apparently looking at a mirror] Dr. Bailey! I can see his head! Wow, he's got a lot of hair. Oh! He's so cute!
Dr. Miranda Bailey: *O'Malley stop looking at my va-jay-jay!*
Dr. George O'Malley: [quickly averting eyes, meekly] Yes, ma'am.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: This is our son: William George Bailey Jones.

Dr. George O'Malley: Dr. Bailey, I can see the top of his head! He's got a lotta hair! Oh, he's cute!
Dr. Miranda Bailey: O'Malley?
Dr. George O'Malley: Yeah?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Stop lookin' at my va-jay-jay!
Dr. George O'Malley: Yes, ma'am

"Grey's Anatomy: Losing My Religion (#2.27)" (2006)
Dr. Richard Webber: You have your dress for the prom?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Excuse me?
Dr. Richard Webber: I'm going to the prom. If I have to go, *everybody* has to go.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Wha - I'm a grown woman.
Dr. Richard Webber: [announcing to the room in general] Everybody goes to the prom! Everybody!

Dr. George O'Malley: [to Bailey out in the hall] Not to bother you, but...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: What? Alright, one of you better spit out the problem right now.
Dr. Alex Karev: The problem is the colors and - and the balloons and the Under the Sea. No, it's Titanic. Hey, let's go with Tears In Heaven. No, that's too morbid. It should be pink, it should be red, it should be a freakin' rainbow.
Dr. George O'Malley: What he's saying is that we're very very hopeful that you speak teenage girl.

Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: [to Webber, with teary eyes] It was me. I cut his LVAD wire. I did it, no one helped me. And now... I thought I was a surgeon, but, I am not, so I quit.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Izzie...
[George tries to block her from walking off. She walks around him. He and Alex follow her down the stairs]

Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: [to Webber] It was me. I cut his LVAD wire. I did it, no one helped me. And now... I thought I was a surgeon, but, I am not, so I quit.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Izzie...
[Izzie walks away. George tries to block her, but Izzie walks around him]

"Grey's Anatomy: Stand by Me (#5.18)" (2009)
Dr. Callie Torres: [to Bailey about Derek] Have you tried calling him?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: About a hundred times.
Dr. Callie Torres: Mmm.
[Bailey gives Callie a look]
Dr. Callie Torres: No. N - Oh, you... You want me to go to the woods? No. I don't do woods. The woods are dirty and there are many, many bugs. What am I going to say to the guy? I barely know him.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You don't have to know him. You're both surgeons. You've been through the same war. Look, just remind him that we've all been there, we all came back.
Dr. Callie Torres: [sighs] You're kind of a bully, you know that?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [turns and walks away] I wouldn't do it if it didn't work so well.

Dr. George O'Malley: [to Meredith] Mer, there is something wrong with Izzie.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Ah, what do you mean?
Dr. George O'Malley: I don't know. All I know that there is something wrong.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Well, you know, George, we're already drowning in intern drama. We don't need resident drama, too. If it's a problem, she'll tell us. Until, just ignore it.
[Steve limps by them]
Dr. Meredith Grey: I repeat, ignore it.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [walks over to George and Meredith] What in God's name is going on?
Dr. Meredith Grey: It's a personal issue and we are just trying to give them their privacy.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Do you think for a second I wanted to get involved with your little intern dramas?
Dr. George O'Malley: [scoffs] We were not this bad.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Oh, getting married in Vegas, shacking up with attendings, cutting LVAD wires. You don't have to like it, but you have to manage it.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Oh, we've got it under control.
Intern Steve: [Megan runs down the stairs crying] Wait, I love you, Megan!
[Bailey glares at Meredith and George]

Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to Owen] I need you to drive into the woods and talk Derek into coming back here and I believe you also might run into Callie Torres with a flat tire or a broken heel or an... ax-wielding serial killer.
Dr. Owen Hunt: You're serious?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: See, I sent Torres after Shepherd, and she's fallen off the grid. Her phone goes straight to voicemail. Okay, I'm not normally a panicky person, but I'm a fan of daytime television, and you know, the mind creates these scenarios... uh. never mind. I... I need you to go get Torres and Shepherd and bring them back here before the Chief notices that any of you are gone.
Dr. Owen Hunt: Shepherd's been gone all week. I'm sure the Chief would notice...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Hunt! You survived a war. You can do this.
Dr. Owen Hunt: I know I can do this. I'm saying I don't want to.
[Bailey gives him a look]
Dr. Owen Hunt: People don't really say no to you, do they?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Not when I say "please".
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I'm saying please.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to Richard] Bailey: I've lost Hunt and Torres.
[Richard stares at her]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: See, I sent them to get Shepherd and I never heard from them again. I was trying to solve the Shepherd situation for you, sir but it appears I've somehow made it three times worse. So, I'm telling you and my next move I believe is that I'm gonna call the police because I'm half convinced there all dead... on a spit with a one arm man turning them into shish kebab's.
[Richard looks confused]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Sir, it's my mind it just goes there.
[Richard stares at her again]

"Grey's Anatomy: The First Cut Is the Deepest (#1.2)" (2005)
Dr. Cristina Yang: [during surgery on the rapist who had his penis bitten off by the girl he raped] Not to mention he'll never be able to have sex again.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Oh, too bad.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Shame.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Let's all take a moment to grieve.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Clamp.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: An intern was reassigned, so he's mine now. Have him shadow you for the day, show him how I do things.
Dr. Alex Karev: Alex Karev. Nice to meet you.
Dr. Cristina Yang: The pig who called Meredith a nurse. I hate you on principle.
Dr. Alex Karev: And you're the pushy, overbearing, kiss-ass. I hate you, too.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Oh, this should be fun then.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: Every intern wants to perform their first surgery. That's not your job. Do you know what your job is? To make your resident happy. Do I look happy? No! Why? Because my interns are whiny. You know what will make me look happy? Having the code team staffed, having the trauma pages answered, having the weekend labs delivered, and having someone down in the pit doing the sutures. No one holds a scalpel until I'm so happy I'm Mary-Freaking-Poppins!

Dr. Preston Burke: Do you think I'm too confident?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: No.
Dr. Preston Burke: Don't lie.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You are my boss.
Dr. Preston Burke: All right, then. Anything you say in the next 30 seconds is free, starting now.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I think you're cocky, arrogant, bossy, and pushy. You also have a God complex. You never think about anybody but your damn self.
Dr. Preston Burke: But...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I have 22 more seconds. I'm not done.

"Grey's Anatomy: What Have I Done to Deserve This? (#2.19)" (2006)
Dr. Derek Shepherd: I've been paging you
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I'm not on call, I'm on maternity leave
Dr. Derek Shepherd: I've been paging my wife as well, but she hasn't been answering, either. You know where she is.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Just because I know doesn't mean you should. Some things you just don't get to know, not from me, and really you don't want to know.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: You have to tell me where she is, I saved your husband's life.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: She saved my baby.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: So baby trumps husband?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Mm-hmm
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Baby trumps husband?

Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd: [appears to be physically uncomfortable] Miranda, I need a consult.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Addison is on the exam table with her legs in the stirrups as Dr. Bailey appears to be looking at Addison's genital area] Oh no.
Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd: Please don't say that.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Addison, I'm so,so sorry. You have poison oak... where nobody wants to have poison oak.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Dr. Bailey answer's the door with very limited view] Can I help you, Chief?
Dr. Richard Webber: [tries to poke his head in the door] Dr Bailey... I don't know what you're doing in there, but whatever it is...
[Miranda opens the door wide enough to show two wet circles on her chest because Addison's crying caused her milk to kick in]
Dr. Richard Webber: Oooh. Oh, no.
Dr. Richard Webber: [Dr. Bailey is dabbing gauze on her milk stains while the Chief babbles on] Um... Dr. Bailey, uh, I'm... sorry. Carry on.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Miranda is giving Derek instructions as they stand outside from the curtained-off Addison] No moving, no peeking, no pulling the curtain. Just stand there and let her talk to you. Understand?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Is this really necessary?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Do you understand
[speaks more slowly and repeats her sentence]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Do... you... understand?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: I'm not mentally challenged.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I'm not so sure about that. Let her talk.
[exits room]
Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd: Stay where you are. Promise. I'm going to show something. You do not get to laugh. You do not get to gloat... I have poison oak.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: [slides the curtain aside as Addison rolls up her blanket for Derek to see] What?
[He leans forward to look between her legs]
Dr. Derek Shepherd: You do indeed have poison oak.
Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd: So are we even yet? Is this bad enough? Have I repaid my debt to society, Derek?

"Grey's Anatomy: Lay Your Hands on Me (#4.11)" (2008)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to the chief] There's probably a thousand scientific reasons why Mr. Greenwald's heart rate just suddenly stabilized.
Dr. Richard Webber: Without question.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: And why Mrs. McCaffrey's staph infection just suddenly disappeared.
Dr. Richard Webber: Sloan's patient? She's fine?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I mean, don't get me wrong, I have faith. I do. But faith isn't medicine. Faith... can't heal you.
Dr. Richard Webber: Well, that may be so. But then again... it can't hurt.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: As doctors, we know more about the human body now than at any other point in our history. But the miracle of life itself - why people live and die, why they hurt or get hurt - is still a mystery. We want to know the ason, the secret, the answer at the back of the book. Because the thought of our being all alone down here is just too much for us to bear. But at the end of the day, the fact that we show up for each other, in spite of our differences, no matter what we believe, is reason enough to keep believing.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. At least, that's what they say. He created the birds of the air and the beasts of the field, and he looked at his creation and he saw that it was good. And then god created man, and it's been downhill ever since. The story goes on to say that God created man in his own image, but there's not much proof of that. After all, God made the sun and the moon and the stars, and all man makes is trouble. And when man finds himself in trouble, which is most of the time, he turns to something bigger than himself, to love or fate or religion. To make sense of it all.

"Grey's Anatomy: Slow Night, So Long (#7.9)" (2010)
Dr. Mark Sloan: [the night shift doctors, Karev, Grey, little Grey, Kepner, Avery, arrive at the hospital yawning] Did you just yawn? Was that a yawn?
Dr. Teddy Altman: Don't tell us you're tired after getting to sleep all day.
Dr. April Kepner: It's not as easy as it sounds.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Not easy? Not... When I was a resident, I actually worked for a living. I did every other night call for five years.
Dr. Robert Stark: There were days I didn't go home for 72 hours. I loved it.
Dr. Alex Karev: As you trudged through the snow while you whittled your own scalpels.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Bailey is drunk and goes to the hospital to sleep it off and is met by Kepner] Come here Kepner. Come. Closer.
[Kepner's face is leaning close to Bailey]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Alex Karev is not the boy you want to take your maiden voyage with.
Dr. April Kepner: [Embarrassed and now straightening her posture] Oh, God! I know. I am aware. You don't need to tell me...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You take your maiden voyage with a nice boy. A kind boy. A boy who loves you... You wait, you hear me? Keep your knees together.
[Drifting off to sleep]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Use soap and warm water.
Dr. April Kepner: On... my maiden voyage?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: On the super glue.
[referring to the teens that had glued their arms together]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Soap, water and put a little acetone in it. It works like a charm.
Dr. April Kepner: Ok. Yes, ma'am. Thank you.

Dr. Teddy Altman: [several drinks later] You know, I write online profiles, and I check the boxes that say I like hiking and dogs...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Is there a box for fistulas? 'Cause that's what I want. A guy that can talk fistulas.
[Doctors Altman, Sloan and Torres look bewildered]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Find a man that's interested in fistulas and pancreas... essss and you'll find a man that's not internet dating.

"Grey's Anatomy: How Insensitive (#6.21)" (2010)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Jokes. Don't make jokes about patients. Not in front of them, not even in private. Yang?
Dr. Cristina Yang: What if the joke is really funny?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: It's not. Neither was that one.

Dr. Meredith Grey: Now I understand the sensitivty training.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Yeah, no fat jokes.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Yang, you're off the case.
Dr. Cristina Yang: I said no fat jo...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Goodbye

Melissa Corso: [about her and her husband] Well, we're gonna have a baby. I'm pregnant.
Dr. Lexie Grey: H-how?
Dr. Lexie Grey: I-I mean... Wow! Congratulations. That's... that's joyous news.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [mouths to Lexie] You're off the case.

"Grey's Anatomy: Enough Is Enough (#2.2)" (2005)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Extracts Judy doll from bowel] Ah yes... Mod Judy. She came with a yellow vespa.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Wait, you know what's strange?
Dr. Meredith Grey: We haven't had enough strange?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: She looks a little like you.

[discussing "Judy Dolls", after they learn that a patient's bowel obstruction was caused after he swallowed the heads of ten Judy Dolls]
Dr. Cristina Yang: My mother used to buy me Judy dolls. Manhattan Judy, Surfer Judy, Disco Judy.
Dr. Meredith Grey: I always wanted one.
Dr. Cristina Yang: I dissected them. Cut off their arms and shaved their heads.
Dr. Alex Karev: Sounds like there's a sick and twisted story behind this.
Dr. Cristina Yang: They're sexist, distorted, devil toys that create unrealistic image-expectations catering to the porn-driven minds of men.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You swallow a bitter pill this morning, Yang? They're dolls.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: If they're dead or dying when they come through those doors, you hump and hump hard, why?
Dr. George O'Malley: For the experience.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Ah, no, what else, there's something more.
[He doesn't answer]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: And you think on that, you'll get it, it'll come to you.
Dr. George O'Malley: Why do we hump on every dead or dying patient that comes through those doors?
Nurse Olivia Harper: Experience?
Dr. George O'Malley: So we can tell their family that we did everything we could.

"Grey's Anatomy: Deny, Deny, Deny (#2.4)" (2005)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Joe, do I look friendly to you?
Joe: Aww, you're a tiny little kitten of joy and love.

Helen Rubenstein: I keep telling her there's more to life than surgery and career.
Dr. Cristina Yang: [Irritated] Mother... Go bolster something.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Look I need you to relax, shut up, and get better. You're a patient this week so you can be a doctor next week. Understand?
Dr. Cristina Yang: [Grabs Meredith] Mer, MER. You can NOT leave me alone with her... I am flying over the coo-coo's nest here, you have to save me!
Dr. Meredith Grey: You need time to heal.
Dr. Cristina Yang: I'm healed... I'M HEALED!

Dr. Derek Shepherd: Meredith kissed me. Addision kissed me. My wife and my girlfriend kissed me on the same day.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: McDreamy, go sit by someone who cares.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Everything's gonna be fine. Addision'll go back to NY. Meredith and I will start over, everything's gonna be fine. Right?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You so damn stupid.

"Grey's Anatomy: I Am a Tree (#3.2)" (2006)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: And will someone tell me...
[notices panties on board]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: ... tell me whose GOD DAMN PANTIES, ARE ON THE BULLETIN BOARD! This is a HOSPITAL people! We SAVE LIVES!

Dr. Addison Shepherd: I am desirable Amanda.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Miranda.
Dr. Addison Shepherd: Right.

"Grey's Anatomy: It's the End of the World (#2.16)" (2006)
Dr. Cristina Yang: Which surgeon are we going to have to suck up to today?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: That would be me.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Dr. Bailey?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I've been gone two weeks. Two weeks! And you ran off two residents. I've got people phoning me at home, screaming, telling me my interns are Rosemary's babies! Nobody wants you! Do you think I have time for this? I am pregnant! I'm supposed to be on bedrest! I'm supposed to be growing a human being. I am supposed to be calm! Do I look calm to you! Did I raise you fools to be pariahs!
Dr. George O'Malley: [Hugging Dr. Bailey] You're back!
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I am not back.
Dr. George O'Malley: You're not?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Smacks him] Get off me!
[an ambulance roles up]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Yang, Karev, Grey, stay in here and wait for the incoming case. O'Malley, page Addison Shepherd. Stevens, get a wheelchair.
Dr. George O'Malley: A wheelchair?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: A wheelchair.
Dr. George O'Malley: What should I tell Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [No one has moved] What did I say?
Dr. George O'Malley: Dr. Bailey? What do you want me to tell Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd when she answers her page.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [a splash is heard and everyone looks at Dr. Bailey's feet] Tell her my contractions are ten minutes apart and my water just broke all over your shoes.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Dr. Bailey is in labor and exits her hospital room to see Dr. Webber, Dr. O'Malley and Dr. Shepherd outside] What are you people doing out here?
Dr. Richard Webber: Are you all right? Can I get you anything?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: A boy the size of a ten pound bowling ball is working his way out of my body. Can you get me something for that? Can you get me a new vagina?
Dr. Richard Webber: Uh... well...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I didn't think so.

"Grey's Anatomy: Free Falling (#8.1)" (2011)
Dr. Meredith Grey: [looks at Alex] The Chief fired me.
Dr. Cristina Yang: [to Alex] You son of a bitch. I mean, are you happy now? Because this is all because of you.
[starts shoving Alex]
Dr. Cristina Yang: You and your big fat stupid mouth.
Dr. Alex Karev: Get off.
[Cristina continues to shove him]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Kepner, control your people.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to Richard] We need a Gunther.
Dr. Richard Webber: Dr. Bailey, it's the first day of fifth year, I...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: And they're at each others throats. We need a Gunther.
Dr. Richard Webber: I've got more pressing problems. I'm trying to find a new spot for Meredith Grey. You know, I heard they have good research fellowships at Mass Gen. I thought a recommendation from you would...
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You want me to write a recommendation for Meredith Grey?
Dr. Richard Webber: By the end of the day would be fine.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: To whom it may concern, Meredith Grey is an excellent example of the kind of resident you absolutley should not hire. She underminds ground-breaking clinical trials, she has absolutely no respect for rules, authority or as it turns out the oath that she took when she became a doctor. She will most likely tarnish the reputation of you, your doctors and your hospital. Sincerely, Dr. Miranda Bailey. Meredith Grey is the reason that we need a Gunther.

"Grey's Anatomy: Shake Your Groove Thing (#1.5)" (2005)
Dr. Derek Shepherd: [Meredith and Derek are making out in the passenger seat of his car] You know, it sounds like the party's winding down. Yeah... Listen To Me!
Dr. Meredith Grey: [laughing] What?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: We should probably sneak inside now.
Dr. Meredith Grey: We've done enough sneaking for tonight. It was good sneaking, but enough sneaking.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: [pulling his shirt back up her shoulders] Yeah, I'd say we're pretty good sneakers.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [as they are about to kiss she knocks on the window] You mind moving this tail wagon? You blocking me in.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Apparently not good enough.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: Something careless this way comes.

"Grey's Anatomy: Bring the Pain (#2.5)" (2005)
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: [outside the stuck elevator] Poor George, he doesn't have the steadiest hands.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Izzie, he can hear you.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: Hey, life is short, times are hard, the road is long, with many a winding turn.

"Grey's Anatomy: There's a Fine, Fine Line (#12.18)" (2016)
Dr. Meredith Grey: The dad made it.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: The mom didn't.
Dr. Meredith Grey: I hate it when it's babies.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Me too.

Dr. April Kepner: [to Bailey] Besides, it's Warren.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: What do you mean "It's Warren?"
Dr. April Kepner: I mean if there was any resident I'd want to do an emergency C-section, it would be Warren. He's good.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: He has done them before.
Dr. April Kepner: If he said he had to, I believe him.

"Grey's Anatomy: Desire (#3.21)" (2007)
Dr. Richard Webber: There was a fish in a man's penis!
Dr. Miranda Bailey: There's ALWAYS a fish in a man's penis!

Dr. Miranda Bailey: Look, you & Grey can take him for his ultrasound & his X-Ray.
Dr. Cristina Yang: The V. I. Penis?

"Grey's Anatomy: Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head (#2.1)" (2005)
Dr. Preston Burke: Who is Dr. McDreamy?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Me. I'm Dr. McDreamy. I'm tall, and handsome, and I like to lean against things, and ponder the difficulties of dating beautiful women. I am trying to be a surgeon here!

Dr. George O'Malley: You know Joe?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Oh, yeah. I was the only female intern my year. I didn't know anybody and nobody knew me except Joe. He knew me.
Dr. George O'Malley: Oh, so you and Joe?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: All you people ever think about is how to get into somebody's pants. You nasty.
[She slaps him, and Izzie laughs]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: That's why you got syphilis.

"Grey's Anatomy: If Tomorrow Never Comes (#1.6)" (2005)
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Miranda.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Excuse me?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: Well, that's your name right? It's on your jacket. All right, fine, I'll just call you Bailey then.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You think you charming, in that talented, neurotic, overly moussed hair sorta way. Good for ya. But if you think I'm gonna stand back and watch while you favor her...
Dr. Derek Shepherd: I don't favor her. She's good.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I'm sure she is.
Dr. Derek Shepherd: You know, can I point out, that technically, I'm your boss.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You don't scare me. Look, I'm not gonna advertise your extracurricular activities with my intern. However, the next time I see you favorin' Meredith Grey in any way I'll make sure she doesn't see the inside of an O.R. for a month.
[turns and walks away]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Just for the sake of balance.

Dr. Derek Shepherd: You know they call you the Nazi.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: So I've heard.

"Grey's Anatomy: A Hard Day's Night (#1.1)" (2005)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up. I already hate you, that's not going to change.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: Don't bother sucking up. I already hate you and thats not gonna change.

"Grey's Anatomy: Deterioration of the Fight or Flight Response (#2.26)" (2006)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to Burke who knows where the interns are] Preston Xavier Burke, what have you done with my suck ups!

Dr. Miranda Bailey: Where is Christina? Where are all of the suck ups?
Dr. Preston Burke: Excuse me?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: My interns. *My* ass-kissing, surgery hungry, competetive suck ups? Where are they? Why aren't they here fetching you ice chips and morphine? Why aren't they here sucking up?
[Burke avoids her eyes and doesn't respond]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You know something.
Dr. Preston Burke: I'm a patient.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Preston. Xavier. Burke. What have you done with my suck ups?

"Grey's Anatomy: Make Me Lose Control (#2.3)" (2005)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You have a problem?
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: No.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You have a mocha-latte?
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: No.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Then go away.

Dr. Miranda Bailey: Izzie, the Dr. Shepherds need an intern up in NICU.
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: Wait, both of them? Together? And me by myself... w-with the two married people, who hate each other?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Go! Cristina, you're on the thoracotomy.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Oh, with Burke? I can't have the hateful married couple instead?

"Grey's Anatomy: Death and All His Friends (#6.24)" (2010)
Mary Portman: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
[Bailey walks away and starts crying]
Mary Portman: Dr. B., what's the plan? You have a plan, right, Dr. B.? What do we do?
[Bailey composes herself and walks back over to them]
Mary Portman: We can't get to the O.R, but... but he has to get to the O.R. He has to get to the O.R, or he's... Dr. B?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Miranda. We should be on a first name basis. Miranda.
[sits down and takes Charles' head into her lap]
Dr. Charles Percy: I'm dying, right? Am I dying now?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Yes. Yes, Charles, you are dying.
[voice breaking]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: But I don't want you to worry. I don't want you to be afraid. 'Cause I... am not going to leave you, okay? Mary. Mary... Mary and I...
[takes Mary's hand]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: are gonna be with you the whole time. You are not alone. You hear me? You are not alone.
[Charles is crying]

Dr. Charles Percy: I don't hurt anymore. The pain's gone. That's a bad sign, isn't it?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Yes.
Dr. Charles Percy: Can you do something for me? Can you find Reed? When this is over, can you find her? I always... I always had a crush on her. I don't think she knows.
Mary Portman: She knows. Girls always know.
Dr. Charles Percy: Yeah?
Mary Portman: Yeah.
Dr. Charles Percy: But can you tell her anyway? Can you find her and tell her I loved her. I loved her so much.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Okay.
Dr. Charles Percy: And... you tell her, you tell her I was a catch. You tell her I was a hot hot catch and she missed out on a great guy.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: All right.
Dr. Charles Percy: And you tell her I was brave even if turn coward and start crying and asking for my mom in a minute. You lie to her and tell her I died brave, okay?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You are very brave, Charles. Okay, I'm the coward. I'm the one that told that man I was a nurse.
Dr. Charles Percy: You're so smart. You were smart, I wish I was that smart. Tell her I loved her, you won't forget?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I won't forget.
Dr. Charles Percy: I know you don't like me.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I like you.
Dr. Charles Percy: No, you don't. You were always my favorite doctor. I thought you should know...
[dies from his injuries]

"Grey's Anatomy: Begin the Begin (#2.13)" (2006)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to Izzie] What do we know about Mr Duquette?
Denny Duquette: Capricorn, single, loves to travel and cook.

"Grey's Anatomy: Owner of a Lonely Heart (#2.11)" (2005)
Dr. Cristina Yang: Unbelievable, who would do this to themselves?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: The woman wasn't just in prison, Yang, she was in solitary.
Dr. Cristina Yang: She's seriously deranged.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You try spending a month locked in a room with no windows, no one to talk to, 23 hours a day, see how deranged she is then.
Dr. Cristina Yang: Dr. Bailey, she's a murderer.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I didn't say she wasn't. 1, 2, 3. I said try to having no one to make your snarky comments to for a solid month. My guess is you'd swallow the entire razor.

"Grey's Anatomy: Sanctuary (#6.23)" (2010)
Mary Portman: [to Bailey] That's the fifth time that you checked your pager.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Oh, it's uh... habit.
Mary Portman: Dr. B., my husband's late. He's never late and you're hanging out with me. You don't really strike me as the hanging out type. What's going on?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Okay, there is a... situation. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but hospital procedure dictates that we're on...
Dr. Charles Percy: [walks in the room] He's on the floor.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Who?
Dr. Charles Percy: The shooter.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: There's a shooter in the hospital?
Mary Portman: Oh, my God.

"Grey's Anatomy: I Saw What I Saw (#6.6)" (2009)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [about Charles] He fainted.
Dr. Richard Webber: He fainted?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: He fainted.
Lawrence Jennings: From what?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: He better have a brain tumor or something 'cause that's just unacceptable.

"Grey's Anatomy: Tell Me Sweet Little Lies (#2.14)" (2006)
Dr. Addison Shepherd: You do know what bed rest is, don't you?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Yeah, hell.
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: [hands her a package] Here, books and movies. It's form all of us.
[Bailey gives her a look]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [topping the elevator door with her foot] I may be 47 months pregnant, I may be on bed rest, I may not be able to see my own feet. But I am Doctor Bailey. I hear everything. I know everything. I'm watching each and every one of you.

"Grey's Anatomy: She's Gone (#8.2)" (2011)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to Richard] What did you do?
Dr. Richard Webber: I want you to shut the door and then I want you to sit down.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You're throwing your whole career away for that damn girl.
Dr. Richard Webber: This is not the end of my career.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: The FDA will never come anywhere near you again. That is the end of your ilet cell trial, not to mention anything else you might be cooking up with...
Dr. Richard Webber: Sit down!
[Bailey sits down and crosses her arms over her chest; Richard hands her a folder]
Dr. Richard Webber: Open it and read the first page.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [grabs the folder from Richard and starts reading it] "The artificial pancreas the cure for diabetes..." How about 'the artifical pancreas, a huge missed opportunity that you blew because you...
Dr. Richard Webber: Read the next line.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Principle investigator, Miranda Bail...
Dr. Richard Webber: It's yours now. I have no pending trials with the FDA.

"Grey's Anatomy: It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) (#12.19)" (2016)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to Ben] To be clear, it's a six-month suspension from the residency program.
Dr. Ben Warren: I'm suspended from the hospital?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Yes.
Dr. Ben Warren: How do you... Do you have any idea how far behind I'll fall? I'll never get caught up. What am I supposed to learn from this?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Do you feel even the slightest remorse?
Dr. Ben Warren: Yes. Yes! How can you ask me that? Of course I do! All I do is play it over again in my mind, trying to figure out how I could change it. Of course I do. But six months... it's... it's not discipline. For a surgeon, that's a death sentence. I might as well drop out now.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: That's all, Dr. Warren.
Dr. Ben Warren: I tried to save her the only way I know how.

"Grey's Anatomy: Something to Talk About (#2.7)" (2005)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Hey, I heard a heart caught on fire in the OR?
Dr. Cristina Yang: I am the best intern you've got. And you are wasting me on puke and boils, and I get it, I even deserve it, but please, you can't keep me away from this surgery. I EARNED this surgery. I STOLE this surgery.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: What are you talking about, Yang?
Dr. Cristina Yang: You. Punishing me.
[Bailey just looks at Cristina]
Dr. Cristina Yang: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
[Bailey still doesn't say anything]
Dr. Cristina Yang: Well, then, who has been paging me all day? The nurses have been on me nonstop.
Debbie: A little bit of respect and you could have saved yourself a very long day, Dr. Yang.
[Goes back to her work at the nurse's station, answers telephone]
Debbie: Hi, this is Debbie.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Pissing off the nurses. Stupid.
[Walks away]
Dr. Cristina Yang: [Trailing behind Bailey] Well, I can still scrub in, right?

"Grey's Anatomy: Damage Case (#2.24)" (2006)
Dr. Addison Shepherd: Pity. I've got three surgeries on the board. I was gonna ask you to scrub in *but*... I guess you should stay by that pregnant lady's side all day. You see to it, Dr. Bailey?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Krev, go find your patient. Stevens, scrub in on Noah's patella fracture.
Dr. Alex Karev: The She-Shepard just walks in here and pulls me off surgery?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You burn the She-Shepard, she burns back. Go.

"Grey's Anatomy: The Heart of the Matter (#4.4)" (2007)
Dr. George O'Malley: Why did she do this to herself?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Cause people are stupid and just want to be loved. That's the only reason anybody does anything.

"Grey's Anatomy: No Man's Land (#1.4)" (2005)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [to Izzie] An ass who deals in asses. We call him "Lymph Harry", never spares the nerves...

"Grey's Anatomy: Let It Be (#2.8)" (2005)
Dr. Richard Webber: You're being wooed, aren't you?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Excuse me?
Dr. Richard Webber: The fellowship, LA Med, Chicago Central. They're wooing you. I mean, you're fielding offers, you're looking at bonus packages, you're letting yourself be wooed.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Chief, I...
Dr. Richard Webber: It's fine. It's fine. Go be a hotshot somewhere else. But tell me, how could you do this to me? I mean, I'm hurt, I'm really hurt. After all I've done for you. You're gifted and you're ungrateful. And that's all I'm sayin'.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I'm pregnant, you blind moron.
Dr. Richard Webber: You're what?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: My heart rate is 110, I'm burning 3000 calories a day, my legs are swollen, I've got indigestion and gas. Did you know that carrying a boy in your uterus means that you burn 10% more calories than if you had a girl? Guess what I'm carrying? I tried for 7 damn years and a month before my fellowship notification, the stick turns blue. Men. From the very beginnin' they just suck the life right outta you. I'm not leaving. I'm pregnant.
Dr. Richard Webber: Um... congratulations?

"Grey's Anatomy: Who's Zoomin' Who? (#1.9)" (2005)
Dr. Derek Shepherd: How goes our special super secret silent sunset surgery? I've been practicing that.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You have too much time on your hands

"Grey's Anatomy: Thanks for the Memories (#2.9)" (2005)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [Bailey and Meredith meet Dr. Kent, the sub attending from Mercy West, on Thanksgiving] Dr Kent?
Dr Kent: Yes?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I'm the surgical resident assisting you today. I know you're subbing in from Mercy West, so if there's anything I can do to help you ...
Dr Kent: Look I'm only here for one day and I don't need my ass kissed. All I need is to tell you what to do and you do it. And I don't like mistakes.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I don't make mistakes
Dr Kent: Whatever, there's only one resident I want in my OR; a guy they call The Nazi. Do you know him?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: The Nazi?
[Bailey herself is the Nazi]
Dr Kent: He gets a great word of mouth, stellar rep, balls the size of Texas?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: That big? Sounds like an impressively talented man, this 'Nazi.'
Dr Kent: Do you know him or not?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Never heard of him but I'll be sure to keep an eye out.
Dr Kent: For now you can work on smaller cases. A guy just came in to curtain 3. Page me if you get confused.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I'll be sure to do that.
[to Meredith, as Dr. Kent walks away]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Like I said the stupidity of the human race.

"Grey's Anatomy: Good Mourning (#6.1)" (2009)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Look, I... I am an attending, and I am a single mother, and I lost O'Malley, and, I just can't, I can't care anymore. Stevens not my child, O'Malley was not my child. I have to stop treating. I just have t ostop caring so much 'cause I can't keep feeling like this, not at work. I have to save the feeling for my son, who needs it. So I just can't keep giving it away he... I can't, I won't.

"Grey's Anatomy: Love, Loss and Legacy (#8.5)" (2011)
Dr. Richard Webber: [to Bailey] You hear that Zola came into the hospital, had a bowel obstruction?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Yep.
Dr. Richard Webber: It can't be easy on Meredith. It can't be easy at all.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: You are really not using Meredith's sick baby to guilt me into putting her on my trial.
Dr. Richard Webber: Well, if you think she lacks judgement, then help her. You're the moral compass of this hospital.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [scoffs] Moral...? You don't... I'm the moral compass of nothing. I am using one man like a plaything and had another one bribing a scheduler.
Dr. Richard Webber: I... I really don't want to know.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Like a plaything. Often and enthusiastically.
Dr. Richard Webber: M... Maybe you should stop. Did I mention that I promised Ellis Grey on her death bed that I would take care of Meredith.
Dr. Miranda Bailey: I am still not putting that girl on my trial.

"Grey's Anatomy: The Self-Destruct Button (#1.7)" (2005)
Dr. Preston Burke: [taking the X-ray and showing it to Bailey walking by] You remember this guy?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Ay, the tattooed masochist
Dr. Preston Burke: Had himself shot again
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Glad to see he's still stupid

"Grey's Anatomy: Where the Wild Things Are (#4.12)" (2008)
Dr. Miranda Bailey: [about the residents] I thought you told me to keep the animals under control!?
Dr. Richard Webber: From time to time, I like to go to the zoo.

"Grey's Anatomy: Save Me (#1.8)" (2005)
Dr. Cristina Yang: Dr. Bailey, I want off the psychic case, I'll take whatever you've got. Can I switch?
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Ask nicely.
Dr. Cristina Yang: What - this is me doing nicely

"Grey's Anatomy: Band-Aid Covers the Bullet Hole (#2.20)" (2006)
[Christina hold's Dr. Bailey's baby up to the intercom so she can hear the baby crying]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: That's cry number four. You need to feed it.

"Grey's Anatomy: Now or Never (#5.24)" (2009)
[Assigning the residents their roles in an "intervention" to stop O'Malley from joining the Army]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: Grey is going to coax him back as a loving friend,
[to Yang]
Dr. Miranda Bailey: you're gonna use logic and reason to point out the idiocy of his ways, Stevens will made sad cancer eyes and if all of that doesn't work, Karev, you pull out your "I was raised out back with the trash cans" roots and just beat the crap out of him.