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Quotes for
Walter Findlay (Character)
from "All in the Family" (1971)

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"Maude: Maude's Dilemma: Part 2 (#1.10)" (1972)
Dr. Arthur Harmon: Just between you and me Walter, I don't know why Maude wants to have the baby at all. At her age you know there are certain risks.
Walter Findlay: Well don't underestimate the maternal instinct, Arthur. Besides, she might also be fighting the idea of abortion on moral grounds.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: And you don't want to interfere?
Walter Findlay: I think I interfered enough already!

Walter Findlay: [Referring to a vasectomy] Tell me something. What's it like after...
Dr. Arthur Harmon: After the snip, snip?
Walter Findlay: [Cringing] After the snip, snip.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: Nothing, except you can't make babies. That's all.
Walter Findlay: And that's it?
Dr. Arthur Harmon: That's it.
Walter Findlay: I don't change into a Soprano, do I?

Maude Findlay: Listen honey, would you like a pickle?
Walter Findlay: No, thanks.
Maude Findlay: They probably go better with pregnancies than with vasectomies.

Walter Findlay: [to Maude] Sweetheart, would it disappoint you too much to learn that becoming a father was never one of my life's ambitions? I- I don't know why. For years I used to feel guilty about it. For years people told me I was nuts or too selfish. How can I not love kids? Well I do love kids, but they don't have to be mine. That's probably the worst confession I'll ever make. Do ya hate me?

Walter Findlay: Maude. I think it would be wrong to have a child at our age.
Maude Findlay: [Tearing up] Oh, so do I Walter.
[Hugging him]
Maude Findlay: Oh, so do I.

Maude Findlay: Just tell me Walter that I'm doing the right thing not having the baby.
Walter Findlay: For you Maude. For me. In the privacy of our own lives. You're doing the right thing.


"Maude: The Will (#2.11)" (1973)
Walter Findlay: I am sick and tired of your attitude Maude.You wanna wear the pants in this family?Be my guest.
[pulls his pants down]
Maude Findlay: Walter if you're stupid enough to stand there with your pants down,let me tell you one thing.Our guests have arrived.
Florida Evans: [to guests] I think I owe you all an apology.If I had known that the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down,I would done a better job by ironing his shorts.

Walter Findlay: I am sick and tired of your attitude Maude.You wanna wear the pants in this family,be my guest.
Maude Findlay: Walter if you're stupid enough to stand there with your pants down,let me tell you one thing.Our guests have arrived.
Florida Evans: I think I owe you all an apology.If I had known the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down,I would have done a better job by pressing his shorts.

Walter Findlay: I am sick and tired of your attitude Maude.You wanna wear the pants in this family,be my guest. pulls his pants down
Maude Findlay: Walter if you're stupid enough to stand there with your pants down,let me tell you one thing.Our guests have arrived.
Florida Evans: to guests I think I owe you all an apology.If I had known the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down,I would have done a better job of pressing his shorts.


"Maude: Maude's Dilemma: Part 1 (#1.9)" (1972)
Maude Findlay: [Preparing to admit she's pregnant] Come into the kitchen, Walter.
Walter Findlay: What's the matter? Did you wreck the car again?
Maude Findlay: Did you hear that everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not Maude are you sick or Maude are you unhappy or even Maude are you pregnant. No, Maude did you wreck the car again.
Walter Findlay: Alright, you're right darling. You're absolutely right and I'm sorry.
[Sitting down]
Walter Findlay: So tell me sweetheart, are you sick?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you unhappy?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you pregnant?
Maude Findlay: [Deadpan] Yes.
[Kisses Walter on the head]

Walter Findlay: [after finding out Maude's pregnant] Maude, we've seen enough movies together. This is the place in the movie where we say we're kidding. You were kidding, right?
Maude Findlay: [Shaking her head] We're not kidding, Walter. The rabbit died.
Walter Findlay: I know how he feels!

Walter Findlay: Maude, did you wreck the car again?
Maude Findlay: Did you hear that, everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not "Maude, are you sick?" Or "Maude, are you unhappy?" Or even, "Maude, are you pregnant?" No, "Maude, did you wreck the car again?"
Walter Findlay: You're right, darling. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. So tell me, are you sick?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you unhappy?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you pregnant?
Maude Findlay: Yes.


"Maude: Maude and the Radical (#1.5)" (1972)
Walter Findlay: Maude's as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers.
Carol Traynor: That doesn't sound like you, Walter.
Walter Findlay: I heard that on Hee Haw.

Maude Findlay: How can I have a party for a black guest of honor and not have one single black guest?
Carol Traynor: Maybe you should've invited two black couples, Maude.
Walter Findlay: That's right, Maude, you should always have a back-up black.
Maude Findlay: [Skyward] Please, if you really do exist, get him soon.


"Maude: The New Housekeeper (#3.4)" (1974)
Carol Traynor: [Mrs. Naugatuck is cleaning the house while singing] Listen to her. She's the perfect housekeeper. Sings like a bird and works like a horse.
Walter Findlay: Which is quite an improvement over your mother who works like a bird and sings like a horse.
Maude Findlay: [Screaming from upstairs] GOD'LL GET YOU FOR THAT WALTER!
Walter Findlay: And has ears like a rabbit.

Walter Findlay: [Enters the kitchen, where Maude and Mrs. Naugatuck are arguing] Maude, SIT!
Maude Findlay: [Maude obeys and sits like a dog]
Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: [Mrs. Naugatuck continues to shout]
Walter Findlay: Mrs. Naugatuck, SIT!
Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: [She obeys and sits like a dog]


"Maude: Walter's Crisis: Part 3 (#5.6)" (1976)
Maude Findlay: Do you remember that-that joke about the motorist who was changing a tire outside the mental hospital?
Walter Findlay: No.
Maude Findlay: Well, this motorist was changing a tire outside a mental hospital and he took off three of the bolts and they rolled right down into a sewer drain and the man stood there and he goes, "Oh, good lord! What am I going to do now?" when suddenly, an inmate from the other side of the fence said, "Hey, mister, why don't you take one bolt from each of the other three wheels?" Well, the guy was amazed, you know? He said-he said, "Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing in a mental hospital?" So the inmate said, "Well, I'm here because I'm crazy, not stupid."


"Maude: The New Maid (#5.24)" (1977)
Maude Findlay: [Victoria is trying to assure Maude of her credentials for the job of maid to Maude, who is resisting in spite of the fact that she has just placed a request with a local agency specifically for black candidates for the job] I mean, we have all these people coming over from the agency...
Walter Findlay: - No, we don't, the agency called: they're out of blacks - ever since 'Roots'. But they're running a special on Filipinos.


"Maude: Mrs. Naugatuck's Wedding (#5.10)" (1976)
Walter Findlay: Maude, will you just stay out of this? Just face the facts. They're not going to get married because Mrs. Naugatuck is being too unreasonable.
Maude Findlay: Mrs. Naugatuck is being unreasonable?
Walter Findlay: Sure, she won't change her name.
Maude Findlay: Walter, any woman with a sense of independence, with an ounce of pride would want to keep her maiden name.
Maude Findlay: Then whey didn't you keep your maiden name when we got married?
Maude Findlay: By that time I couldn't remember it!


"Maude: Maude's Facelift: Part 2 (#2.5)" (1973)
Walter Findlay: You know Philip, there's something very important we can learn from watcing Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space. Though they're surrounded by Gorgo and the Canyonians on one side, and Rulo and the Arcovians on the other side, notice how neat their clothes are at all times.
Phillip Traynor: Maybe that's because they're the only rock and roll band in outer space.


"Maude: The Grass Story (#1.12)" (1972)
Maude Findlay: Listen darling, I'm so sorry I'm so edgy, but i'm exhausted. I was so nervous about this morning that I didn't sleep a wink last night.
Walter Findlay: Well why didn't you take something, like a couple of Seconals?
Maude Findlay: We're out of Seconals, but I did take two Chloral Hydrates and a Librium and they didn't work.
Walter Findlay: Well I took two Miltown and a Doriden and I slept like a lamb.
Maude Findlay: ...and snored like a moose. No, I should've taken two Meprobromates with a Nembutal instead of the two Chloral Hydrates with the Librium.


"Maude: Maude's Big Decision (#4.4)" (1975)
Walter Findlay: [Maude gave in to Walter and decided to drop out of the election she was running in] Come on, Arthur, a little drink to celebrate. I won!
Dr. Arthur Harmon: Won? Won what? Happiness through blackmail? You know, you're like a baby throwing a temper tantrum. Everybody has to give in to Walter Findlay because he's an alcoholic. I don't like you very much right now, Walter.