Edith Bunker
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Quotes for
Edith Bunker (Character)
from "All in the Family" (1971)

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"All in the Family: Edith's 50th Birthday (#8.5)" (1977)
Archie Bunker: [trying to get a hysterical Edith to explain what happened] Here, here, take it easy. So a man came over to the house, lookin' for a man, and he said he was the man he was lookin' for. What is that?
Edith Bunker: He... he had a gun.
Archie Bunker: HE HAD A GUN?
Edith Bunker: He said... he was gonna kill me!
Archie Bunker: DID HE?
Edith Bunker: NO!
Archie Bunker: [feeling foolish over his obvious gaffe] Yeah yeah, he didn't, he didn't... but what did he do?
Edith Bunker: He... he...
[she can't bring herself to say the words]
Archie Bunker: ...What, what, WHAT?
Edith Bunker: ...He... HE...
Archie Bunker: [frustrated, but scared] ... Come on, Edith, what did he WANT?
Edith Bunker: [barely a whisper] ... Me.
[looks away]
Archie Bunker: [confused] You? Well, what'd you tell him, Edith, did you...?
[realizing what she means, suddenly panicked]
Archie Bunker: The guy...
[can't say the word, mouths it instead]
Archie Bunker: RAPED
[speaks again]
Archie Bunker: you?
Edith Bunker: NO... no... he tried to.
Archie Bunker: He TRIED? W-w-w-w-what happened, what'd he do?
Edith Bunker: [breaks down sobbing] It was awful. It was awful. I thought he was gonna kill me...
Archie Bunker: Oh geez, Edith. Oh my God, Edith. You... you need to lie down for a little bit here.
[she shakes her head "No"]
Archie Bunker: Well well, maybe something hot to drink.
[keeps shaking her head "No"]
Archie Bunker: Somethin' cold?
[keeps shaking her head "No"]
Archie Bunker: Yeah, first things first, don't drink nothin.
[heads for the phone]
Edith Bunker: [hoarsely] Where are you going?
Archie Bunker: Well, I gotta phone someone, call an ambulance, phone a doctor.
[Edith keeps protesting "No", Archie is totally frustrated]
Archie Bunker: "No, no, no, no"... okay, best thing is to stay offa the phone.
[takes Edith hands in his]
Archie Bunker: Well, geez, Edith... look, we gotta do something, Edith. I mean, if we don't phone nobody important, if we don't drink nothin' tasty, what the hell are we gonna do?
Edith Bunker: HOLD ME!
Archie Bunker: That's the best thing, I can do that, all right!
[hugs her tight]
Archie Bunker: Edith... how did you get away from the lousy bum?
Edith Bunker: Cake... I... I... I hit him with the cake... I was baking.
Archie Bunker: Thank god you had something heavy around.
[realizing again the circumstances]
Archie Bunker: Wait a minute, wait a minute... he must've been over there when I come lookin' for the punchbowl. But why didn't you say somethin'?
Edith Bunker: He - he said he would... do somethin' to you.
Archie Bunker: Do somethin' to me? What the hell? Was he a fruit, too?

Archie: How did you get rid of the lousy bum?
Edith: I hit him with my cake.
Archie: Thank God you had something heavy.

Edith Bunker: [Archie is trying to be tender, but Edith is tense] What are you gonna do?
Archie Bunker: [tenderly pulls her close] I'm just gonna do this here with my arm...
[puts his arm around her]
Archie Bunker: ... And this here with my kisser.
[kisses her tenderly. Edith stiffens at first, then returns the kiss and holds him close, Archie breaks away and smiles at her cautiously]
Archie Bunker: Well, wasn't that nice?
Edith Bunker: [nods, looking both immensely relieved and frightened] Do you... still love me?
Archie Bunker: [baffled] DO I STILL LOVE YOU? What are you talkin' about? Why do you think I'm tryin' all this here... whaddaya call it..."LTD" on ya?
[meant to say "TLC", for Tender Loving Care]
Edith Bunker: ...What's that?
Archie Bunker: It's uh... uh uh..."Lovin' Til Daylight"... or something.
Archie Bunker: Look, here, I'm doin' the best I can. Lemme try again, huh?
Archie Bunker: [tries to kiss her again, but Edith reacts frightfully] What did I do?
Edith Bunker: I'm still scared.
Archie Bunker: Aw, Edith, don't be scared no more.
[hugs her tight]
Edith Bunker: I... I can't forget that man.
Archie Bunker: Aw, Edith...
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [barges in the bedroom door] Ma...
Archie Bunker: Learn to knock, learn to knock, LEARN TO KNOCK!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, look at ya! You haven't been out of this house in two weeks!
Edith Bunker: No, please, Gloria, I don't care! I don't wanna look at that man again.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, don't you see? The criminal's supposed to be in jail, not the victim!

Edith Bunker: [refusing to identify her attacker] No, I ain't gonna leave this house!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You're gonna let him do what he did to you to God knows how many other women? I can't believe it! I'm ashamed of you. The mother I know would never refuse, my mother always helped other people! You know what? You are selfish! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER ANYMORE!
Edith Bunker: [Edith slaps Gloria, then immediately realizes what she's done] Oh, Gloria... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: It's okay, Ma. It's okay. I understand.
Edith Bunker: [Edith looks at her daughter tenderly, then her expression changes, and she knows what she needs to do] Come on, Archie.

Edith: [Mike and Archie are going to check the house for the rapist] HE'S GOT A GUN!
[both men slam the door]
Archie: This is why every citizen should have a loaded gun in his house you big mouthed liberal you!
[picks up baseball bat]
Archie: What're you going to do with that? BUNT him off the premises?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, we have to call the police!
Archie Bunker: No.
Edith Bunker: DON'T!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: MOM! Remember when it happened to me 3 years ago? That's the first thing we did.
Archie Bunker: And what the first thing the cop told you when he come over to the house? He said it would never go into court, they'd ask you questions they turn around and make it look like you were ask for it there! That's why we dropped the whole thing, remember that, huh? And what you want to do, put your mother and me through the same kind of shame there?

Cop: [shows Edith the rapist's clothes] Can you identify these clothes, ma'am?
[shows the rapist's tie]
Edith Bunker: [gasps] NO! No! I can't! He'll kill me! He'll kill me!
[runs up the stairs]
Edith Bunker: He'll kill me! He'll kill me! He'll kill me!

Archie: [goes over to Edith at the ironing board] Hi Edith, good to see you angel doll, oh gee, you're starching that same sheet again.
Edith Bunker: It ain't smooth!
Archie: Oh, it ain't smooth.
[glares at Gloria]

"All in the Family: Edith's 50th Birthday (#8.4)" (1977)
Edith Bunker: I gotta go to the bathroom.
[Starts to run upstairs but Lambert races after her]
Edith Bunker: What are you doing?
Lambert: You're going to the bathroom? I'm going with you.
Edith Bunker: I'll wait 'til tomorrow.

Archie: [about Mike and Gloria] Edith, why do them two always gotta be over here? I can't stand to look at them.
Edith: What are you going to do today, Archie?
Archie: I'm going over to their house.

Edith: Don't you know what today is?
Archie: Oh, my goodness, how time has flew. Today is the first day of National Spay the Cat Week.

Edith: Do you know how old I am today?
Archie: Yeah, you're 50. I got a very romantic way of remembering that: you are as old as Lindburgh's airplane.

Edith Bunker: I'm an old lady. I'm very old. I'm as old as Lindburgh's airplane.
Lambert: I like older women.
Edith Bunker: But I'm married.
Lambert: So am I.

Edith Bunker: [terrified] Listen, I gotta get out of here. See, I gotta get ready for my birthday party.
Lambert: Happy birthday.
Edith Bunker: Thank you.

Edith Bunker: [petrified] Wh-what are you doin'? You ain't taking off your clothes, are you?
Lambert: Yeah. Then I'm going to take yours off.
Edith Bunker: [squirming desperately to get away] W-wouldn't you like a cup of coffee instead?
Lambert: [pushes her back down] I don't drink coffee.
Edith Bunker: [desperately] I got Sanka!

Edith Bunker: [Edith has exhausted every possible escape, and the rapist is unzipping her dress] Ohhh, there's something burning, in the kitchen.
Lambert: [frustrated by her stalling] What is it?
Edith Bunker: I-it's in the kitchen.
Lambert: [fed up, but relenting] All right, all right, come on come on come on.
Edith Bunker: There's somethin' burning, in the kitchen.
[they come in the kitchen, which is filled with smoke, she screams, completely hysterical]
Edith Bunker: Ohhh, there's a fire! FIRE! Ohhhh, my cake! My ca-cake, it's burnin'!
Lambert: Lady, get rid of it. Get rid of it!
Edith Bunker: [Edith shoves the hot smoldering cake directly in the rapist's face, throws open the door, and punches him in the stomach] GET OUT! GET OUT!
[throws him out the back door, slams it, then runs through the house out the front door shrieking while the audience applauds wildly]

Cop: [carrying Lambert's clothes] Can you identify these clothes?
[produces Lambert's tie]
Edith Bunker: [horrified] NO! NO! He'll kill me! He'll kill me!
[runs up the stairs]
Edith Bunker: He'll kill me! He'll kill me!

"All in the Family: Archie the Hero (#6.4)" (1975)
Archie: So I was drivin' by Kennedy...
Edith: Kennedy airport?
Archie: No, Cape Kennedy. I'm looking for a flight to the moon.

Beverly LaSalle: [Beverly LaSalle comes by to thank Archie for his life-saving help earlier] The doctor said it was complete exhaustion. I'd been working very hard, and I guess I was just worn out.
Edith: Ohhhh, well it was a good thing you wore out with Archie, 'cause he learned how to save peoples' lives in the toilet at work.
Beverly LaSalle: Oh. He saved mine in a cab.

Beverly LaSalle: I'm a female impersonator.
Edith Bunker: Ain't that interestin'. Y'know, that's smart, too. I mean, who can imitate a female better than a lady?

Edith Bunker: I ain't been so proud of you since Uncle Willie cut his finger carving the Thanksgiving turkey and you stopped the bleeding by tying it up with the string they used to tie up the turkey's you-know-what with.
Archie Bunker: How can you do that all in one breath?

Beverly LaSalle: I'm afraid you don't understand, Mrs Bunker. I'm a transvestite.
Edith Bunker: Well, you sure fooled me. I mean, you ain't got no accent at all.

"All in the Family: The Battle of the Month (#3.24)" (1973)
Edith Bunker: [Edith has just broken up a fight between Mike and Gloria] When I was a little girl, my mother and father got into a terrible fight that started just because there wasn't enough maple syrup for my father's pancakes.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Ma, what we're arguing about is a little more important than maple syrup.
Edith Bunker: Just a minute! I ain't finished! They didn't talk to each other for three whole weeks! And even after they made up things was never the same between them. So before you two start saying things to each other that you'll never take back, stop, and think how much you really mean to each other. Now I know that maple syrup is just a little thing, but would you rather break up over something bigger?

Edith Bunker: Gloria, I don't think you should be talking to your father that way. I know you ain't feeling well, but he's your father!
Gloria Stivic: Yeah, but that doesn't make him right, and when he's wrong, I'm going to tell him so.
Edith Bunker: But you didn't tell him he was wrong, you told him he was stupid.
Gloria Stivic: Well he is!

Gloria Stivic: Ma, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, well you're not a half, not even a quarter, you're a nothing, a zero!
Edith Bunker: Gloria!
Gloria Stivic: And even if you stood up to him 10 TIMES as much as you do, 10 times nothing is STILL nothing!

Edith Bunker: Do you think I'm a nothing?
Archie Bunker: What kind of a question is that to ask me at 2:30 in the morning?
Edith Bunker: I'm sorry. Nothing just came into my mind.
Archie Bunker: It must've felt right at home there.

Gloria Stivic: You can stop listening now, the fight is over.
Archie Bunker: The fight might be over between you and him but it's not over between him and me. How dares he call me a bonehead?
Gloria Stivic: And how did you hear that? Did you have your hot little ear pressed against the wall?
Archie Bunker: Noooo!
Edith Bunker: He listened with this glass.
Gloria Stivic: Well I have one final thing to say to you.
[picks up glass]
Archie Bunker: Get it over with.
Gloria Stivic: [presses glass against his ear and yells into it] GOOD NIGHT!

"All in the Family: The Joys of Sex (#7.20)" (1977)
Archie Bunker: [discussing their bedroom problems] Ain't I always there? When you're in the mood?
Edith Bunker: Yeah, Archie, and even when I ain't.
Archie Bunker: Even when you ain't, how lucky can you get?
Edith Bunker: I know. I was always lucky about that.
Archie Bunker: Certainly you was always lucky about that.
Edith Bunker: Even before we was married.
Archie Bunker: Who'd you get lucky with before we was married?
Edith Bunker: No, Archie, I didn't mean that. I mean that before we was married I had a long talk with my mother, see?
[Archie visibly cringes]
Edith Bunker: And she said to me that there was one thing about marriage that I wasn't gonna like, but it was a wife's duty, and I thought she was talking about doing the laundry, cause that's the only part about marriage that wasn't no fun.
Archie Bunker: Is this gonna be long, Edith?
Edith Bunker: No. So when I got pregnant...
Archie Bunker: Not a nice word, not a nice word.
Edith Bunker: When I got 'in the family way' with Gloria...
Archie Bunker: Better, better, better, yeah.
Edith Bunker: My mother said to me 'I see you're doing your duty as a wife', and I knew what she meant! And I didn't have the heart to tell her
[grins, blushes]
Edith Bunker: that I liked it.
Archie Bunker: [stunned] But you should have told the old lady that! I mean maybe she would've given me some kind of respect.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [after finding the book Edith's reading] Ma, what are you doing with that book?
Edith Bunker: Well, they was talking about it on the Dinah Shore show, and I figured if Dinah to read it it's okay for me to read it cause she ain't even been married lately.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, I know all about this book. It's just trashy, it's full of all sorts of lies, and it gives you advice to do ridiculous, kinky thinks to make yourself more attractive to your husband, it's yucky!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, the best thing for a person to when they're having a problem is to talk it over with the person they're having the problem with. Can't you talk to daddy?
Edith Bunker: I can't talk to your father about it, he won't listen. I can't do it.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You listen to me. If you can't talk to him about him about it, who can?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [cut to Mike in his house] Not me!

Edith Bunker: Archie, do I make you happy?
Archie Bunker: Do you make me happy? Edith. You make me happy in every way.
[winks at her, then glances upstairs]
Archie Bunker: When it comes to making a guy happy, YOU wrote the book.
Edith Bunker: The book!
[suddenly realizes he didn't mean the sex book and starts to laugh]

"All in the Family: The Appendectomy (#9.16)" (1979)
Edith: You know what we're gonna do tomorrow?
Archie: Don't tell me.
Edith: We're gonna throw Stephanie a birthday party.
Archie: She tells me anyway.

Edith Bunker: [about Dr. Sydney Shapiro] He was so smart. He had always wanted to make a bat.
Archie Bunker: A ball bat?
Edith Bunker: No, a real bat. He wanted to cross a mouse with a bird.
Archie Bunker: THAT'S the genius you got working on our kid in there?

Archie Bunker: I nearly killed the child.
Edith Bunker: You couldn't help it if her appendix burst.
Archie Bunker: Who said young Dr. Shapiro shouldn't do it? Who said old Dr. Shapiro should? Who thought we should get Dr. Kurtsman - who never called me back from the Copa Cabana. Who done all them stupid things?
Edith Bunker: You did.

Archie Bunker: We'd barely have enough strength to drag ourselves over the hill to the bone orchard.
Edith Bunker: I ain't going to no bone orchard.
Archie Bunker: If I go, you go.

"All in the Family: California, Here We Are (#9.12)" (1978)
Edith Bunker: [Archie and Edith are visiting Gloria and Mike in California. Edith is peeking through the fence at the neighbors] You got a lot of neighbors, don't ya.
Gloria Stivic: Oh yeah.
Edith Bunker: Are they all poor or somethin?
Gloria Stivic: No, why?
Edith Bunker: Well they're all just laying there, passing around the same cigarette.
Archie: [Rolling his eyes] Gloria, take your poor mother out of harm's way, will ya.

Edith Bunker: [to Archie, after he finds out that Gloria had an affair] No matter what she done its none of your business.
Archie Bunker: What're you talking about; its the world's business.
Edith Bunker: No, it ain't the world's business neither.
Archie Bunker: [shouting] Well its certainly God's business.
Edith Bunker: [Quietly] Then you let God tend to it.

Edith: Mike, how did you hurt your back?
Mike Stivic: Lifting a hibachi.
Archie: What a dope, you lifed a motorcycle?

Edith Bunker: What's a Toyota Hatchback?
Archie Bunker: It's got slanted headlights and it'll bomb you without warning.

"All in the Family: Archie's Road Back (#8.9)" (1977)
Archie: Edith, go set the alarm clock for 1997.
Edith: You're gonna sleep for 20 years?
Archie: If it was good enough for Rip Van Heussen...
Edith, Mike, Gloria: Winkle.
Archie: Alright, Winkle Van Heussen, then ipso fatso, it's good enough for Archie Bunker.

Edith: You should apologize to Harry.
Archie: Apologize for what? For killing me? Did Abe Lincoln apologize to Alexander Graham Booth?
Gloria: John Wilkes Booth.
Archie: Don't repeat what I say.

Edith: Archie, there's someone here to see you.
Archie: If it ain't Alice Faye, tell him to get the hell out of here.

Edith Bunker: Thank you for bringing over that portable TV.
Mike Stivic: Is he watching it?
Edith Bunker: Oh yeah, all day long. I just wish he'd turn it on.
Mike Stivic: Don't worry about it, Ma, TV is better that way any way.

"All in the Family: Edith's Problem (#2.15)" (1972)
[Edith is going through menopause, and Archie is planning a trip]
Edith Bunker: I wanna talk about where we're going.
Archie Bunker: Well, that's fine, there, Edith. If you want to talk about Florida, let's talk about Florida. And by the way, we ain't confirmed about going there yet.
Edith Bunker: No, no, no! Not Florida! I want to go to Scranton.
Archie Bunker: Scranton? Edith, uh, what is in Scranton?
Edith Bunker: My cousin Emily.
Archie Bunker: Your cousin Emily?
Edith Bunker: You hate Emily!
Archie Bunker: No, no, no, no, I don't, Edith. I don't hate Emily. I never said that, I never said that at all. No, I like her, and I like their little home in Scranton, there, and those four cute teenagers. I think her husband is a real nice guy, and I, I can't say that... I can't go on like this, that's one thing I can't do! I can't believe a word of anything I'm saying around here! This ain't natural! No, I don't like her, and I don't like her husband! He's a bum, and he always was, and she's a crank, and she always was! And I hate their four rotten kids! And the only way you're gettin' me to go to Scranton is if some screwball hijacks the airplane! I know all about your women's troubles there, Edith, but when I had the hernia that time I didn't make you wear the truss!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Come on, Archie!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy!
Archie Bunker: No, no, no, Edith! If you're gonna have the change of life, you gotta do it right now! I'm gonna give you just thirty seconds. Now, come on, change!

Archie Bunker: Here's something we can see in Disney World. They got an all bear band.
Edith Bunker: They got a naked band at Disney World?

Edith Bunker: I hate bears.
Archie Bunker: Well they ain't real bears, they...
Edith Bunker: I hate all bears.
Archie Bunker: Edith, I'm trying to show you...
Edith Bunker: STIFLE.

Archie Bunker: I know all about your woman's troubles there, Edith, but when I had the hernia that time, I didn't make you wear the truss. If you're gonna have the change of life, you gotta do it right now. I'm gonna give you just 30 seconds. Now c'mon and change.
Edith Bunker: Can I finish my soup first?

"All in the Family: Mike and Gloria Split (#7.23)" (1977)
Mike Stivic: I'm sorry to get you out of bed.
Edith Bunker: Oh that's all right, we was only sleeping.

Archie Bunker: Wait a minute, we don't wanna know what happened there. Don't tell us what happened, we don't want to know. Tell him we don't give a damn what happened, right?
Edith Bunker: Right. What happened, Mike?

Archie Bunker: Where the hell is going to sleep, with Teresa?
Edith Bunker: No, Teresa can sleep in our bed.
Archie Bunker: Up against you or up against me?
Edith Bunker: Oh no, see, Archie, you'll sleep in Teresa's bed in Mike's old room and I'll ask Teresa to come and sleep with me in our bed in our room, and Mike will sleep on the cot in Teresa's room which used to be Mike's room where you'll be sleeping. See, you won't have to sleep up against nobody, see?
Archie Bunker: If I could figure that one out, I'd be sleeping up against a straightjacket.

"All in the Family: Archie Is Branded (#3.20)" (1973)
Paul: Every person knows that Homo Sapiens is a killer.
Edith Bunker: Homo Sapiens. Is he an Arab?
Archie Bunker: No, Edith. Homo Sapiens. That's a killer fag.

[Archie finds a swastika painted on the front door]
Edith: Who did that?
Archie: I don't know, Edith, the artist didn't sign it.

Paul: [when the Bunker house is defaced by mistake, Mike and a radical Jewish defender disagree about how to respond] I don't agree with what you say, but I like your chutzpah. Y'know somethin'? One of these days you're gonna find out that this is the only answer.
Paul: [he forms Mike's hand into a fist] Right there.
Mike Stivic: I still think you're wrong. Because this...
Mike Stivic: [He makes his other hand into a fist] ... only gets you this.
Paul: OK, friend. You keep talkin', and I'll do what I have to do. Shalom.
[he leaves]
Edith Bunker: Shalom. What does that mean?
Mike Stivic: Believe it or not, Ma, it means 'Peace'.
Gloria Stivic: Jewish people also use it to say 'Hello' or 'Goodbye'.
Edith Bunker: How do you know which one they mean?
Archie Bunker: Why don't you use your common sense, Edith? If a Jew is comin' at you, it means 'Hello'. If he's goin' the other way, it means 'Goodbye'.
Edith Bunker: [sincerely trying to understand] But when does it mean 'Peace'?
Archie Bunker: Ahhh, Edith, in between 'Hello' and 'Goodbye'.

"All in the Family: Stretch Cunningham, Goodbye (#7.19)" (1977)
[Archie and Edith have just arrived at Stretch Cunningham's funeral, only to discover it is a Jewish service]
Archie Bunker: What's goin' on, Edith?
Edith Bunker: I guess Stretch must have been Jewish.
Archie Bunker: Stretch Jewish? With a name like Cunningham?
Edith Bunker: Oh, well, Archie... what's in a name?
Archie Bunker: A Jewish name ain't supposed to have no "ham" in it.

Archie Bunker: I'll tell ya, though, the thing that makes me feel bad is all them mean things I was saying about his matinees, and all of that, you know? He could've been dead right when I was complaining about him, Edith. Hey, maybe he even heard me.
Edith Bunker: Oh, no, he couldn't have heard you, especially if he was dead.
Archie Bunker: Dead is the time when the spirit hears things, Edith. How do you know that Stretch's spirit ain't here right now, listening to every word we say, right here in this room.
Edith Bunker: But he lived in the Bronx!
Archie Bunker: His spirit didn't have to stay in the Bronx! Jeez, if you was his spirit, would you stay in the Bronx?

Archie Bunker: I can't go through with this. Edith, Edith, I'm no good at this. How would you like to see me just louse up poor Stretch's funeral?
Edith Bunker: Oh, Archie, you ain't gonna do that. You've been to lots of funerals.
Archie Bunker: I know, I know, Edith, but I ain't never delivered a urology.

"All in the Family: Edith's Crisis of Faith: Part 1 (#8.13)" (1977)
Archie Bunker: Every man should be king of his castle. And in this here castle, I am the king.
Edith Bunker: And I am the queen.
Archie Bunker: [Concerning Beverly LaSalle] Well this king can only handle one queen at a time.

Beverly La Salle: I have the best dress-maker in town: Mr. Florence.
Edith Bunker: Is he a man or a woman?
Beverly La Salle: Yes.

Edith Bunker: Why don't you sit down?
Beverly La Salle: In this dress? Are you kidding?
[Imitating Mae West]
Beverly La Salle: One false move and you'll have wall to wall foam rubber.

"All in the Family: Too Good Edith (#9.25)" (1979)
Edith Bunker: [final line] You know something, Archie: You're a pip. A real pip.

Edith Bunker: I wash your clothes and iron your shirts and make sure they're all folded in the right drawers.
Archie Bunker: Well I could hire Sybil Goolie to do all of that!
Edith Bunker: Sybil Goolie would never do any of those things for you.
Archie Bunker: Why not?
Edith Bunker: Because she don't like you.
Edith Bunker: I LOVE YOU, Archie. That's why I do all those things for you.

[last lines of the series]
Archie Bunker: Oh, Edith - you know somethin'? If the whole damn world was to go to the dogs, as long as I had you by my side, y'know... or sittin' by my side... or, layin' here, like this, by my side... everything'll be... just okay. I've been blowin' my own horn, for a lotta years... but lemme tell you somethin'. I ain't NOTHIN'...
Archie Bunker: without you.
[they kiss, then fumble over both drying their tears on his tie]
Edith Bunker: [smiling through tears] You know somethin', Archie? You're a pip. A real pip.

"All in the Family: Archie's Weighty Problem (#6.20)" (1976)
Edith Bunker: The first three days of a diet is always the hardest. But Mike and Gloria and are dieting too to keep you company. You know what they say, misery is the best company.
Archie Bunker: I'll tell you something about misery - misery wants beer!

Archie Bunker: [Belches after Edith asks him a serious question]
Edith Bunker: Does that mean yes or no?

Edith Bunker: [Talking about Kelsey's cooking] Oh Archie, he deep fries everything in that awful old oil.
Archie Bunker: He changes his oil. About once every three thousand meals.

"All in the Family: Archie Learns His Lesson (#3.22)" (1973)
[Edith, Michael and Gloria are eating at the dinner table; Michael sighs]
Edith Bunker: What's the matter, Mike?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I don't know. Something's missing.
Edith Bunker: Not enough salt?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Not enough Archie. It's too quiet around here.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Michael, don't tell me you like arguing with Daddy.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I didn't say I like it, it's just I'm used to it. My body's used to it. When Archie's here, I eat better.
Edith Bunker: Well don't worry, Mike, he's only working overtime tonight. Tomorrow he'll be home at his regular time, and I'm sure he'll get in a nice argument with you.

Edith Bunker: I'll never forget the first time I made pot roast for your father. Only he wasn't your father then, we was just keeping company. I invited him to my house for dinner and I made him pot roast. And that was the first time he ever called me "dingbat."
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well that's awful, even if he didn't like your cooking.
Edith Bunker: Oh, no, he loved it.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Then why'd he call you "dingbat"?
Edith Bunker: Well in them days, Archie was too shy to call me "sweetheart" or "darling," so he called me "his little dingbat."
[Smiling sweetly]
Edith Bunker: And you know what, ever since then, no matter how mad he says "dingbat," I always hear a little "sweetheart" in it.

Archie Bunker: Look at me. Work hard all my life and what do I have to show for it? This job could mean a thousand bucks a year extra for the two of us.
Edith Bunker: Aw Archie, money ain't that important.
Archie Bunker: Yeah, not to Rockefeller it ain't, 'cause he's got it.

Christmas Carol (1978) (TV)
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: He once told me to treat the warehouse like it was my own.
Humphrey Bogart: What did you do?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: I sold it.

Paul Lynde as Bob Cratchit: Do you know he's so cheap he even has a burglar alarm on his garbage cans?

Oliver Hardy: We were wondering if you would like to make a small donation for the poor.
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, no.
Stan Laurel: In that case, how would you like to make a large donation?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Not interested. When I give to charity I wish to remain anonymous. That's why I don't give anything.
Oliver Hardy: But sir! What are we going to tell the poor, the needy and the destitute?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, tell them to use Hamburger Helper.
Stan Laurel: Well that a wonderful idea Ollie. I bet they never thought of that!

"All in the Family: Meet the Bunkers (#1.1)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: Now wait a minute, Meathead, you said that, not me. I never said your black beauties was lazy. It's just their systems is geared a little slower than the rest of us.
Mike Stivic: Archie...
Archie Bunker: You don't believe me, look it up.
Gloria Stivic: He's prejudiced, there's no hope for him. No hope at all.
Archie Bunker: I'm not prejudiced, any man deserves my respect and he's gonna get it irregardless of his color.
Mike Stivic: Then what are you calling them names like black beauties for?
Archie Bunker: Now that's where I got you, mister liberal, because there's a black guy who works down at the building with me, he's got a bumper sticker on his car that says 'Black is Beautiful', huh, so what's the matter with black beauties?
Edith Bunker: It's nicer than when he called them coons.

Archie Bunker: If your spics and your spades want their rightful share of the American dream, let 'em get out there and hustle for it like I done.
Mike Stivic: So now you're going to tell me the black man has just as must chance as the white man to get a job?
Archie Bunker: More, he has more... I didn't have no million people marchin' and protestin' to get me my job.
Edith Bunker: No, his uncle got it for him.

Edith Bunker: I think he's right, Archie. Like, you haven't said the word "Coon" in almost a year.
Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? I say it everyday.
Mike Stivic: You haven't said it in front of us.
Archie Bunker: Alright then: Coon! Coon! Coon! You wanted it, you got it.

"All in the Family: Mike's Graduation (#4.24)" (1974)
[when Mike is worried that he failed his college exams]
Irene Lorenzo: Don't worry so much Mike, as I always say Que Sera, Sera.
Edith Bunker: That's right Mike, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Archie Bunker: How long have them two been up there?
Edith Bunker: An hour and a half.
Archie Bunker: [knowing they're having sex; looks angry] In the middle of the day.
Edith Bunker: Seems like an awfully long time to be showing her his grades.

Edith Bunker: [Archie is showing Edith a stuffed goat's head that his friend Barney Hefner gave him] I don't think I'm going to like it looking at me with those big, sad eyes.
Archie Bunker: They ain't real eyes, Edith. Them there are glass eyes.
Edith Bunker: That wasn't fair of Barney Hefner, shooting a blind animal!

"All in the Family: Stephanie and the Crime Wave (#9.17)" (1979)
[Archie's socks are missing]
Edith: Did you look in the top drawer?
Archie: Certainly I looked in the top drawer.
Edith: Well they ain't in the top drawer.

Edith Bunker: Stephie, you can stay with us forever.
Archie Bunker: Not after she get's married. I've had enough of son in-laws under this roof.

"All in the Family: Cousin Maude's Visit (#2.12)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: [Maude refuses to get out of Archie's chair] Well, I got the secret weapon that can lay this little lady right away. Here we go. This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt!
Cousin Maude: You're fat.
Archie Bunker: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Franklin Delano Roosevelt...
Edith Bunker: Archie, you promised never to say that name again in front of Maude.
Archie Bunker: Franklin Delano Roosevelt!
Edith Bunker: [to Maude] He don't mean nothing. His whole family was for Roosevelt.
Archie Bunker: That was for two terms. But that was it. We didn't know the guy was going to hold on to the job like a pope!

Edith Bunker: And how do you two feel this morning?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Well, my temperature's down to a hundred, but my throat still feels bad. My eyes are clearing up, but my nasal passages...
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh, who cares Michael, who cares? Do you know what he did to me? He set the alarm to wake himself up every two hours all night long so he could gargle, take his pills, wheeze on his inhaler for ten minutes. You know something Michael? When you're sick, you're sick!

"All in the Family: Christmas Day at the Bunkers' (#2.13)" (1971)
Mike Stivic: Alotta places have the same names like Portland, Maine and Portland, Oregon.
Gloria Stivic: Yeah, Birmingham, England and Birmingham, Alabama.
Edith Bunker: New York, New York.

Archie Bunker: And didn't I bring you coffee up to bed like I do every Christmas morning?
Edith Bunker: Yeah, Archie.
Archie Bunker: All right. That shows you I ain't down. You got to be up to remember to do a thing like that once a year.

"All in the Family: Archie Gives Blood (#1.4)" (1971)
Edith: [playing Monopoly] Aw, I gotta go to jail.
Archie: Make it solitary confinement.

Archie Bunker: [Playing Monopoly] Y'know out in the real world you don't go to your competition for no advice.
Mike Stivic: It's not out in the real world; it's only a game.
Archie Bunker: So is life a game, buddy boy. Whether you play the game in here or play it out there, ya gotta play it to win, right?
Edith: Where did we hear that, Archie? Was it on "Mannix" or "The Bold Ones"?

"All in the Family: Edith's Conversion (#4.9)" (1973)
Edith Bunker: [in the kitchen, after having tasted the horsemeat and being told what it was, to Gloria] I'm sorry, Gloria - I just can't stop thinking of Mr. Ed!

Archie Bunker: [Edith has been to see Father Majewski, and Archie is afraid that he made her a Catholic without her knowing it] Think carefully now, Edith. Did he splash any water on you?
Edith Bunker: No.
Archie Bunker: Did he give you any beads to play with?
Edith Bunker: No.
Archie Bunker: Did he make you eat a cookie?

"All in the Family: What'll We Do with Stephanie? (#9.4)" (1978)
Archie Bunker: Do you know the kind of money it takes to raise a child? You know, yanking out the tonsils and the adenoods. Straightening the teeth, straightening the eyes.
Edith Bunker: Her eyes?
Archie Bunker: All girls go cock-eyed during puberescency.

Edith Bunker: He's really a wonderful man, my husband, and underneath he's very sweet.
Archie Bunker: Damn that Barney Hefner, I'm gonna murder him. Look what happened to me just now: I nearly busted an ankle jumping over two pyramids that Barney's dog left on our sidewalk.

"All in the Family: Teresa Moves In (#7.9)" (1976)
Archie Bunker: I changed my mind. I don't want no stranger in the house. He'd probably snuggle girls up the stairs.
Edith Bunker: Well suppose the 'he' is a she?
Archie Bunker: You wouldn't want that either.

Edith: But in the hospital you said having a boarder was a good idea.
Archie: But I was so full of pills and enemas, I didn't know if I was coming or going.

"All in the Family: Edith Has Jury Duty (#1.9)" (1971)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Do you believe in capital punishment, Ma?
Edith Bunker: Well, yeah, I guess so.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Mother!
Edith Bunker: Well, so long as it ain't too severe.

Archie Bunker: Go ahead, ask your mother, *she* believes in capital punishment.
Gloria Stivic: Do you Ma?
Edith Bunker: Well, sure.
Gloria Stivic: Mother...?
Edith Bunker: Well, as long as it ain't too severe.

"All in the Family: Edith's Crisis of Faith: Part 2 (#8.14)" (1977)
Archie: Oh, a scarf. It's got that beautiful beege color.
Edith: Beige.
Archie: Some of that too.

Edith Bunker: I gotta get the cranberry sauce.
Archie Bunker: Edith, the lord and me don't give a damn about cranberry sauce.

"All in the Family: Archie Finds a Friend (#6.18)" (1976)
Edith Bunker: [Mr Bernstein is leaving suddenly, to see if he can fix his invention before Archie invests in it] Well, maybe he'd like to have a little dinner first.
Archie Bunker: Oh, no, he's gotta fix it, he don't need no dinner.
Edith Bunker: Everybody needs dinner.
Archie Bunker: No, these people don't need to eat.
Edith Bunker: Oh, Archie.
Archie Bunker: It is true, Edith. They even made a holiday out of it. They starve themselves a whole day, then they fill up on young kippers.

Archie Bunker: [Bernard Bernstein visits to discuss Archie's investment in his invention, though Edith has serious reservations] That's Bernstein. I'll get the door. Will you take the sour look off your face? You remind me of your mother.
Archie Bunker: [he opens the door] Hi-ya there, partner, come on in, come on in, Bernstein, come on in the house here, and welcome to our home. And as youse people say, Sh-boom.
Bernard Bernstein: [Bernstein decides not to make a point of Archie's ignorance] And Sh-boom to you, Bunker. And to you, Mrs Bunker, Shalom.
Edith Bunker: Shalom, Mr Bernstein.

"All in the Family: George and Archie Make a Deal (#5.12)" (1974)
Archie Bunker: [after being handed George Jefferson's petition to run for office] Let me look this thing over and see what we got here.
George Jefferson: It ain't an IOU; just go ahead and sign it.
Archie Bunker: Hold it, hold it, Jefferson. I don't go around signin' political documentaries just like that, y'know. I mean, even Abe Lincoln, as smart as he was, he read the Declaration of Independence before he put his John Hancock on it.
Edith Bunker: Archie, are you sure Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence?
Archie Bunker: Sure, fourscore and seven years ago.

Archie Bunker: [to Michael] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What the hell are you doing?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh, Michael's got a new hobby, macramé. He's making me a new belt.
Edith Bunker: Ain't it pretty?
Archie Bunker: Maca-roni? What?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Macramé.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Archie glares at Michael] Don't say it.
Archie Bunker: There ain't nothin' to say, 'Florence'... Will you stop doin' that? Some friend of mine might come walkin' through the door and find out that I got a fruitcake for a son-in-law.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, there's nothing effeminate about it. Lots of men are doing hobbies like that.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Yeah, Rosey Greer does needlepoint. Would you call him a fruitcake?
Archie Bunker: There's no such thing as a colored fag.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What?
Archie Bunker: You don't believe me? Walk up to any colored guy and ask him, "Are you a fag?" Your tonsils will be wearing your mustache.

"All in the Family: Archie and the Editorial (#3.1)" (1972)
[Archie is delivering en editorial on a local TV station]
Archie Bunker: [on TV] Good evening, everybody. This here is Archie Bunker of 704 Hauser Street, veteran of the big war, speaking on behalf of guns for everybody. Now, question: what was the first thing that the Communists done when they took over Russia? Answer: gun control. And there's a lot of people in this country want to do the same thing to us here in a kind of conspiracy, see. You take your big international bankers, they want to - whaddya call - masticate the people of this here nation like puppets on the wing, and then when they get their guns, turn us over to the Commies.
Edith Bunker: Oh, Archie, I'm glad they put you on a stool, you look taller sitting down.
Archie Bunker: [on TV] Now I want to talk about another thing that's on everybody's minds today, and that's your stick-ups and your skyjackings, and which, if that were up to me, I could end the skyjackings tomorrow.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: You could?
Archie Bunker: [on TV] All you gotta do is arm all your passengers. He ain't got no more moral superiority there, and he ain't gonna dare to pull out no rod. And then your airlines, they wouldn't have to search the passengers on the ground no more, they just pass out the pistols at the beginning of the trip, and they just pick them up at the end! Case closed.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: That's incredible, Arch.

[Archie and Mike are arguing about gun control]
Archie Bunker: All I know is, I'm an American and it's my right to pack a rod!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Bull!
Archie Bunker: Whaddya mean, bull to the constitution?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: It doesn't say that in the constitution, Arch, I'll prove it to you! I got a copy in my history book!
Archie Bunker: Look it up! It's right there in your Second Amendment!
Edith Bunker: Oh, no, Archie, that's the one that says "thou shalt not make any graven image."
Archie Bunker: That ain't the Constitution Edith. What you says is the Gettysburg Address.

"All in the Family: The Elevator Story (#2.14)" (1972)
[Archie is missing]
Mike Stivic: I'd better go over to the Friedman building and try to find him at the insurance office. Ma, can you remember the name?
Edith: [Drunk] Archie Bunker.

Mike Stivic: Ma, can you remember the name of the insurance guy?
Edith Bunker: Um... It's a German name... Hinklemeyer. That's it.
Archie Bunker: Hinklemeyer, okay.
Gloria Stivic: Ma, are you sure that's the name?
Edith Bunker: Yeah. Hinklemeyer, that's it.
[takes sip of wine]
Edith Bunker: Or Swanson.

"All in the Family: Little Miss Bunker (#9.1)" (1978)
Archie: [Floyd has asked the Bunkers to look after Stephanie] Tell him he's barking up the wrong tree.
Edith: You're barking up the wrong tree.
Archie: You heard the boss.
Edith: We'd love to take in Stephie.

Stephanie Mills: I'd like to go to the John.
Edith Bunker: We're going to the John.
Archie Bunker: I heard.
[to Floyd]
Archie Bunker: "John"? Couldn't you have taught her to say "toilet" like educated people?
Floyd Mills: I try the best I can.
Archie Bunker: Well you failed.

"All in the Family: Archie Eats and Runs (#4.21)" (1974)
Gloria Stivic: Did you call Dr. Nelson?
Edith Bunker: Yeah and he can't come, he says he don't feel well enough to make house calls. He says it sounds like both of you got the same thing,
Gloria Stivic: Oh no, you mean Dr. Nelson is sick too? Well what did you tell him?
Edith Bunker: I told him to take 2 aspirin and get plenty of rest.

Archie Bunker: Do you know how many brands of mushrooms are sold all over this here country?
Edith Bunker: Oh, thousands.
Archie Bunker: Alright, and how many cans do you think are bought?
Edith Bunker: Millions.
Archie Bunker: So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it? 100 to one.
Mike Stivic: What is that? The new math?

"All in the Family: Stephanie's Conversion (#9.20)" (1979)
Archie Bunker: Why are you treating me to waffles and syrup on a Monday Morning?
Edith Bunker: Because Stephanie is Jewish.

[Finding out Stephanie is Jewish]
Stephanie Mills: My father said not to talk about it.
Edith Bunker: Why?
Stephanie Mills: He said if Uncle Archie knew he would call be a Hebe.

"All in the Family: Mike's Hippie Friends Come to Visit (#1.7)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: When your mother-in-law and me was goin' around together, it was two years - we never - I never - I mean absolutely nothin', not 'til the wedding night.
Edith Bunker: Yeah, and even then...

Archie: What kind of fathead would send us something like this?
Edith: It's from your mother.

"All in the Family: Mike's Appendix (#3.11)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: [everyone has just been discussing doctors for Mike's operation. Archie sits back in his chair smoking his cigar] You know I think we should call?
Edith Bunker: Who Archie?
Archie Bunker: [sarcastically] Chicken Delight, Edith, cause we ain't gonna get no supper outta you.

Archie Bunker: Oh, be prepared, Edith. If I gotta ride them subways another two years, you're gonna have to check me into a rubber room... I'm comin' home tonight, and it's sardine time again. Here's a guy pressed up against me so close, his buttons are makin' permanent dents in my flesh, see. So there we are, we're ridin' nose to nose, and he starts talkin' to his daughter.
Edith Bunker: Well, what's the matter with that?
Archie Bunker: She wasn't there, Edith! Then on top of that, the bum behind me had beans for lunch.
Edith Bunker: [amazed] How did you know that?
Archie Bunker: [dripping sarcasm] I could tell by the way he smiled at me.

"All in the Family: Gloria and the Riddle (#3.4)" (1972)
Edith Bunker: [Gloria's riddle about a father, a son and a surgeon has stumped everyone] Maybe the answer has something to do with people that come back from the hereafter, like that milk company.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh, reincarnation?

Archie Bunker: [when no-one can figure out the riddle, Archie proposes a new game] Bandleaders' initials.
Edith Bunker: Oh, I know that game. You think up the name of a famous bandleader, but you just give the initials, and then the others have to guess who it is. But you have to have lived a lot to play a game like that.
Archie Bunker: Yeah, you said it... Let me think of a good one for you. Ahhhhh, P.W.
Tammy Robinson: Paul Whiteman.
Archie Bunker: [impressed] Hey, Look at Tammy. She got it right away, here.
Archie Bunker: [after some further discussion and a couple more bandleaders] Hey, hey, I thought of a good one... Now, I got one for all of youse: E.C.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: E.C...
Tammy Robinson: Eddie Condon.
Archie Bunker: Well, Eddie Condon's E.C., but ain't the E.C. I'm thinkin' about.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Eddie Cochran?
Archie Bunker: I never heard of him.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: So?
Archie Bunker: [annoyed] Well, if I never heard of him, he ain't the right E.C.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: All right, we give up. Who is it?
Archie Bunker: Youse all give up?... Heh, heh, heh. Egzavier Cugat!
Tammy Robinson: [everyone falls on the floor] Egzavier Cugat! That's wonderful!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, that's not E.C., that's X.C. Xavier begins with an 'X'.
Archie Bunker: Get outta here... No human being begins his name with an 'X'. I heard it a million times: Egzavier Cugat. E - G - Z - avier Cugat. Look it up.

"All in the Family: Mr. Edith Bunker (#7.11)" (1976)
Edith Bunker: Well, see, I figured that he was having a heart attack and I had some training in CPR that's Cardiopulminary Recessitation. It was on that TV show 60 Minutes once.
Archie Bunker: We watch all of them high class, educational shows right through, no matter how exhausted we get.

Edith Bunker: Archie was just trying to help.
Kate Korman: Help? He's done nothing but get in the way.
Archie Bunker: Say that again.
Kate Korman: You are in the way!
Archie Bunker: You didn't have to tell me twice.

"All in the Family: Aunt Iola's Visit (#8.17)" (1978)
Edith Bunker: Guess what? Old Mr. Bloomerer went west this morning.
Archie Bunker: Don't say "went west." He died.
Edith Bunker: No. He eloped to Albuquerque with his massage nurse.
Aunt Iola: What's a massage nurse?
Archie Bunker: A hooker with a thermometer.

Edith Bunker: His wife has to have her appendix taken out.
Archie Bunker: She had that done two years ago! I never heard of a wife with a second appendix.
Edith Bunker: This is his second wife.

"All in the Family: Mike's Mysterious Son (#2.17)" (1972)
Edith Bunker: Archie, you're home.
Archie Bunker: [Sarcastically] No, Edith, I'm still at work. What you see before you is a pigment of your imagination.

Edith Bunker: Archie, I think you owe Mike an apology.
Archie Bunker: Yeah? And he owes me two years rent. So now we're even.

"All in the Family: Sammy's Visit (#2.21)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: When Sammy Davis Jr. gets here, whatever else you blab about, don't say nothing about his eye.
Edith Bunker: What eye?
Archie Bunker: Now, Edith, let me tell you, see. One of them is glass. You'll find out when he gets here which of them, see, but don't talk about it, all right, will you remember that?
Edith Bunker: Yeah.
Archie Bunker: Now you got any fried chicken out in the kitchen? 'Cause they like to snack on that.

Archie Bunker: Guess what famous and important personality I carry as a passenger in my cab today.
Edith Bunker: Oh, tell us!
Archie Bunker: Oh, no, no, you ain't gonna get it out of me that easy. Come on, you gotta guess for this one.
Edith Bunker: Oh, all right, let's try. I'll go first. Living or dead?
Archie Bunker: I was driving a cab, Edith, not a hearse.

"All in the Family: Mike Comes Into Money (#3.8)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: Do you hear your daughter turning on her father that way? Twenty-two years, I've never heard her open her yap like that!
Edith Bunker: Well, she's just sticking up for her husband!
Archie Bunker: Ahhh! For the live of me, I'll never understand women. The way they marry some guy who always makes a fool of himself... but still they *love* him!
Edith Bunker: That's right, Archie.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well, what do you want me to do?
Edith Bunker: [Screeching] I don't know! All I know is you ruined your father's dinner!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: I said I was sorry! Well, excuse me for living!
Archie Bunker: What is all the hollerin' out here?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Nothing!
Archie Bunker: For a minute I thought I was in the back room of a Greek restaurant!

"All in the Family: Gloria Has a Belly Full (#1.6)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: [Looking in the frying pan with alarm] Get your mind over here. What kinda sausages you makin' anyhow?
Edith Bunker: The kind you like, link sausages.
Archie Bunker: With pancakes I like pattie.
Edith Bunker: I was sure it was link.
Archie Bunker: No, Edith, pattie.
Edith Bunker: Oh. In coffee shops, maybe a thousand times, I've heard you order link.
Archie Bunker: Noooo, Edith! Always pattie.
Edith Bunker: And I was so sure it was link.
Archie Bunker: Edith, I'm gonna say "pattie" just one more time and that's it: Pattie. Now don't say "link" no more. Don't even think link, eh?

"All in the Family: Archie's Operation: Part 2 (#7.7)" (1976)
Edith Bunker: Oh Archie, that's dumb.
Archie Bunker: Dumb? You're saying dumb to me, I'm laying here in a hospital bed? After 27 years of marriage you would call me dumb?
Edith Bunker: Oh I'm sorry, Archie, I shouldn't have waited so long.

"All in the Family: Flashback: Mike Meets Archie (#2.5)" (1971)
Archie: I ain't gonna eat this food with these Chink pick-up sticks.
Mike Stivic: How can you say that, Arch? With one word you attack an entire race of people and not just the Chinese, the Laotians, the Cambodians, the Vietnamese.
Archie: Wait a minute, Meathead, I never call them countries Chinks.
Edith: He calls them Gooks.
Archie: I'm saying they're all a yellow race. They ain't exactly Chinks, but they are definitely offshoots of your Chinks, they're what you call Chinkish.

"All in the Family: Flashback - Mike and Gloria's Wedding: Part 2 (#3.10)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: Look at the way it's got you here. You're starting to cry, there. Now don't do that, Edith. You know I can't take that... I ain't gonna take it! I'm gonna get on the blower here and call that Reverend Fletcher!
Edith Bunker: Felcher.
Archie Bunker: Whatever! And I'm gonna tell him that night just fell on one of his Sunshine Girls!

"All in the Family: Joey's Baptism (#6.22)" (1976)
Edith Bunker: [Edith argues with Archie over whether Joey should be baptized] Oh, no, I don't think it's right. We can't do that without Mike and Gloria's permission.
Archie Bunker: [upset] To Hell with permission. Jeez, permission, permission. That's one of the things wrong with the world today. There's too much permission. Let me tell ya somethin'. When the missionaries went into darkest Africa to bring God to the natives, you think they asked their permission? Like Hell. They dragged 'em out of the trees and right down to the river. And they held them under there until they seen the light. And the natives was glad about that, 'cause that's the way they found God. And then later on, when they was chained in the bottom of the slave ships, why, they was happy, because they had somebody to pray to, there, see?. Which proves that for everybody's own good, you gotta use force. That's the Christian way.

"All in the Family: Edith's Friend (#5.22)" (1975)
Edith Bunker: [Roy and Edith are dancing; Roy, leading, dips Edith, as they dance together] Oh I ain't dipped in years!

"All in the Family: Archie's Chair (#7.17)" (1977)
Edith Bunker: [after finding out his chair broke, Archie throws a tantrem and lays across the dining room table] Archie you better be careful, I mean you wasn't this upset when you lost your father.
Archie Bunker: I didn't sit on my father for 28 years!

"All in the Family: The Very Moving Day (#6.1)" (1975)
Edith Bunker: [Comes up the stairs from the basement] Mike! I found some more packing boxes for you!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Ah, thanks Ma.
Archie Bunker: Aw, look at this. Hey, now you got a matching set of Polock luggage!

"All in the Family: The Taxi Caper (#4.13)" (1973)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Why do you always have to talk stupid?
Archie Bunker: To make you understand!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Funny.
Archie Bunker: Let me ask you this, how come you're never on my side even when a guy holds me up?
Edith Bunker: Archie, if they catch that boy, will you have to take off work and go to court for his trial?
Archie Bunker: Certainly I will, sure I will. I'll lose a day's pay but it's worth it to see that piece of filth thrown into the jug!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Hey, hey, wait a second Arch. You're talking about a human being.
Archie Bunker: I'm talking about a creep!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: All right, I agree, he should be punished for what he did. But you don't go around calling people pieces of filth.
Archie Bunker: How about "piece of creep"?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: There you go talking stupid again.
Archie Bunker: There you go understanding me again!

"All in the Family: Archie's Fraud (#3.2)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: [Gloria comes home from work, and Mike greets her with hugs and kisses] Look at them two over there. Can't yous two come up for air?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, I haven't seen him all day.
Archie Bunker: You want to see him, open your eyes and step back.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Be nice, Daddy. I worked hard today.
Archie Bunker: So did I, little girl, but you don't see me comin' home and slobberin' all over your mother.
Edith Bunker: No, that's right, Gloria. Your father was never much of a slobberer. He's more of a pecker.

"All in the Family: Birth of the Baby: Part 2 (#6.15)" (1975)
[Archie and Edith arrive at the hospital. Archie is in blackface, having just appeared in a Minstrel Show. The information clerk stares at Archie]
Archie Bunker: I just came from appearing in a Menstrual Show.
[the clerk looks even more puzzled]
Edith Bunker: Minstrel Show!

"All in the Family: The Bunkers and Inflation: Part 3 (#5.3)" (1974)
Archie Bunker: [Edith celebrates her new job by buying a specially-priced cake, and Archie opens the box] Hold it here. What is this? 'Happy bar mitzvah, Irving.' Who the hell is Irving?
Edith Bunker: He's the little boy that got the mumps, so his mother didn't come and pick up the cake.
Archie Bunker: Well, how we gonna eat this? This is a Jewish cake, Edith. They give this to a kid before he gets circumscribed.

"All in the Family: The Man in the Street (#2.11)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: I'm gonna turn this thing on and get it ready.
[turns on the television set]
Archie Bunker: Edith, what channel is Cronkite on?
Edith Bunker: Channel 2, Archie. The one we don't watch 'cause you always say Walter Cronkite is a Communist.
Archie Bunker: I never said that, Edith. The man ain't all red.

"All in the Family: Edith Breaks Out (#6.8)" (1975)
Archie Bunker: Edith, that was an order.
Edith Bunker: I ain't taking no orders. I can be a Sunshine lady if I wanna be. And I wanna be. And I am.
Archie Bunker: You are in trouble, Edith. You are in big trouble.
Edith Bunker: No, you are. 'Cause I ain't getting your dinner on the table until you take back what you said.
Archie Bunker: What I said goes. And you don't gotta get no dinner for me 'cause I'm going down to Kelsey's.
Edith Bunker: Oh no. You ain't gonna slam this door in my face 'cause this time it's gonna be your face AND I'M GONNA BE THE SLAMMER.

"All in the Family: Archie in the Lock-Up (#2.3)" (1971)
Edith Bunker: I don't know why you're so upset, Archie. I remember when you use to picket.
Archie Bunker: That was different, Edith. I was walking the picket line for my union. I wasn't out screaming in the street. When we picketed, we done it the American way, on the sidewalks, dressed nice, walking up and down with our signs. Peaceful, no violence.
Edith Bunker: Except when somebody crossed the line, then you broke his head.
Archie Bunker: It's the only way to teach a scab a lesson. That was not violence, Edith, that was education.

"All in the Family: Edith Gets Fired (#9.21)" (1979)
Archie Bunker: [discussing the death of Mrs. Dillon and respecting her final wishes] What did you do?
Edith Bunker: I did what she asked me to do. I held her hand and I didn't let go.

"All in the Family: The Bunkers Go West (#9.11)" (1978)
Edith Bunker: Stephie, don't you want to come with us and have fun at Disneyland?
Stephanie Mills: No.
Archie Bunker: You will have fun where I tell you to have fun.

"All in the Family: Lionel's Engagement (#4.20)" (1974)
Edith Bunker: [as Mike and Gloria put away their coats] Ohhhh, you came home at just the right time.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: You mean dinner's ready?

"All in the Family: Lionel Steps Out (#3.5)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: [Answering the door to Mr. Jefferson] I didn't order you on the phone, I ordered your brother.
Henry Jefferson: Well, what you see is what you get.
Archie Bunker: Well, I got something here for you to see.
[Holds up picture of Lionel Jefferson and Archie's niece Linda]
Archie Bunker: I want to know what your family is gonna do about him?
[Points to Lionel]
Henry Jefferson: [Holding up his own copy of the same picture] Well, I want to know what your family is gonna do about her?
Archie Bunker: You ain't even the head of your family. Why didn't Lionel's father come over here?
Henry Jefferson: You don't want to know the answer to that.
Archie Bunker: Yes I do.
Henry Jefferson: Alright. He said he "ain't never stepped into a honky's household," and he "ain't about to start at the bottom of the heap."
Archie Bunker: Jefferson, I don't like that.
Edith Bunker: He said you wouldn't like it.

"All in the Family: Alone at Last (#6.2)" (1975)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [Mike is moving a mattress to their new home without help from Archie] Honey, let me help you with that.
Archie Bunker: No, no, little girl, get away from that! You ain't supposed to be doin' nothin' in your condition.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Aw, Daddy, please don't say 'condition'. You make it sound like I've got the Heartbreak of Psoriasis
[the slogan of a popular commercial in the 1970s]
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: .
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: I don't have a condition. I'm pregnant.
Archie Bunker: [annoyed] Well, don't say that! Can't you say you're expectin'? Jeez, 'pregnant' sounds like you done somethin'.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [deadpan] We did!
Archie Bunker: Well, you don't have to go advertisin' it to the world. What you do in the privates of your own room is your own privates.
Edith Bunker: When I was a little girl and a woman was startin' to show, they used to say she was expectin' a bundle from heaven. But, of course, everybody knew it was really a baby.
Archie Bunker: Well, I wish we could get back to them days. What this world needs is a little more of that class. Well, herein before, when we talk about Gloria's condition, now, we're just gonna say she's, she's 'expectin'.
Edith Bunker: Or, 'in a family way'?
Archie Bunker: Or, 'with child'.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: How do you feel about 'knocked up'?

"All in the Family: Cousin Liz (#8.3)" (1977)
[at the wake; after finding out that Veronica and Liz were lovers]
Archie Bunker: Turn around and march yourself in there and you pick up your silver; let's go home to New York!
Edith Bunker: Oh, no, I ain't gonna do that, Archie!
Archie Bunker: You mean you're gonna disobey your husband?
Edith Bunker: [thinks about it] Yeah! Case closed!

"All in the Family: Fire (#7.22)" (1977)
Edith Bunker: [There's a fire in the house] And our family picture albums.
Archie Bunker: If you find the album, Edith, throw it at the fire. If you really wanna risk your life for something, money. Top of the closet on the shelf there, is a my secret cigar box I never told you about with $108 in it.
Edith Bunker: A hundred and nine.

"Archie Bunker's Place: The Shabbat Dinner (#1.14)" (1979)
Edith Bunker: Oy vey!

"All in the Family: Archie's Brief Encounter: Parts 1 & 2 (#7.1)" (1976)
[Edith discovers that Archie has been seeing another woman]
Edith Bunker: I don't want to be a Bunker.
Archie Bunker: If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

"All in the Family: Archie's Operation: Part 1 (#7.6)" (1976)
Archie: [Fearing death prior to surgery] Now about the funeral...
Edith Bunker: There ain't gonna be a funeral!
Archie: Of course there's gonna be a funeral. What are gonna do? Put me out with the garbage?

"All in the Family: Everybody Tells the Truth (#3.21)" (1973)
Edith Bunker: This is a nice restaurant, and it's called the Gay Paris.
Gloria Stivic: That's Gay Paree, Ma.
Archie Bunker: Gay, gay, what'd you do? Bring us into a fag hangout?

"All in the Family: Archie and the Bowling Team (#3.13)" (1972)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Opens a present from Gloria, reveals that it's a leather shoulder bag] Hey Gloria, this is great!
[puts the bag over his shoulder]
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Just what I need to keep all my stuff in.
Edith Bunker: Oh Archie, ain't that beautiful!
Archie Bunker: Holy cow, a purse! Aw, that's just gorgeous there.
[to Gloria]
Archie Bunker: Did you buy him matching pantyhose?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You're really sick.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, this is a bag to carry things in. What's wrong with that?
Archie Bunker: If you don't know buddy, I'll spell it out for you: "F-A-G FRUIT."
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: There you go again. Just because something looks a little bit different to you, you have to put a label on it, right?
Archie Bunker: [affecting a lisp] Well, if the purse fithssss, wear it.

"All in the Family: Mike Makes His Move (#5.24)" (1975)
Archie: Well, you know what they say, Edith. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta fry.
Edith: Swim.
Archie: That too.

"All in the Family: Archie and the Miracle (#5.11)" (1974)
Archie Bunker: Don't you ever poke me in the ribs in church no more.
Edith Bunker: But Archie, you was sound asleep.
Archie Bunker: The whole conjugation was asleep.

"All in the Family: Edith's Accident (#2.7)" (1971)
Edith Bunker: What's wrong, Archie?
Mike Stivic: It's just indigestion. It comes from eating his own words.

"All in the Family: The Little Atheist (#6.11)" (1975)
Archie Bunker: [Archie and Edith are next door at Mike and Gloria's house for Thanksgiving dinner] Come on, Edith, we're going home!
Edith Bunker: We ain't had dinner yet!
Archie Bunker: I ain't gonna have dinner, I'm scared to eat in this house.
[Points at Mike]
Archie Bunker: You know what that meathead just done? He gave the Bronx cheer to the Lord, so help me! And he's gonna bring up our grandson to do the same thing!
Edith Bunker: Oh, Archie...
Archie Bunker: [Interrupting Edith] Come on, Edith! Come with me, and don't look back or you'll be turned into a pillow of salt!

"All in the Family: Edith Gets a Mink (#2.20)" (1972)
Amelia DeKuyper: [after Russel flushes the toilet] Shut the door Russel.
Edith Bunker: The door is shut Amelia. It always sounds like that.

"All in the Family: Archie's Bitter Pill (#8.8)" (1977)
[after Archie stuffs his breakfast into his pockets and leaves]
Mike Stivic: That man is on something.
Gloria: Bananas.
Edith: He's on bananas?

"All in the Family: The Baby Contest (#7.13)" (1976)
Edith: Archie, did you really write in "Richard Nixon"?
Archie: Of course not. I wrote in Reagan.

"All in the Family: Archie's Helping Hand (#5.6)" (1974)
Archie Bunker: Equality is unfair.
Gloria Stivic, Edith Bunker, Irene Lorenzo: What?
Archie Bunker: That's right. What's the point of a man working hard all of his life trying to get someplace if all he's going to do is wind up equal?

"All in the Family: Gloria Discovers Women's Lib (#1.11)" (1971)
Archie: This woman's lib is infiltrating our home and your daughter's bringing it in here. I suppose next she'll have you prancing around in hot pants and burning your brassier.
Edith: No, I'm afraid of fire.

"All in the Family: Lionel Moves Into the Neighborhood (#1.8)" (1971)
[Archie finds out the Jeffersons have bought the house next door]
Edith: I think it's wonderful.
Archie: Oh you'll think it's wonderful when the watermelon rinds come flying out the window.

"All in the Family: We're Having a Heat Wave (#4.1)" (1973)
Mike Stivic: Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate!
Archie Bunker: Don't say that no more, GODDAMN IT!
Edith Bunker: You shouldn't swear like that. Ever since this Watergate thing it's GD this and GD that.
Archie Bunker: That ain't swearing, GD. The first word is God. How can that be a swear word? The most popular word in the Bible. The second word, damn, that's a perfectly good word, you hear it all the time, like they dammed the river to keep it from flooding it. And you read in the Bible that some guy was damned for cheating or stealing or having "insex" in the family. And who damned him? Who else? God. God damned him. Edith, beautiful words right out of the Holy Book. Don't show your ignorance!

"All in the Family: Edith Flips Her Wig (#3.6)" (1972)
Edith Bunker: You better take your rubbers too.
Archie Bunker: I don't want no rubbers, every time I put 'em off, my shoes come off with 'em.

"All in the Family: Edith Versus the Bank (#9.8)" (1978)
Archie Bunker: [arguing about Edith not being paid for being a housewife] Edith. You're scaring me. You've got a crazy look in your eye like your aunt Lou at the funny farm.
Edith Bunker: And you got a meeeaaan look on your face. Like that man at the First Friendly Bank!
Edith Bunker: [starts clearing the dinner table] Or that man at Kressler's department store. I don't wanna do this! Here, you clean the table. AND I AIN'T PAYING YA FOR IT NEITHER!