Gloria Bunker-Stivic
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Quotes for
Gloria Bunker-Stivic (Character)
from "All in the Family" (1971)

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"All in the Family: Edith's 50th Birthday (#8.5)" (1977)
Edith Bunker: [Archie is trying to be tender, but Edith is tense] What are you gonna do?
Archie Bunker: [tenderly pulls her close] I'm just gonna do this here with my arm...
[puts his arm around her]
Archie Bunker: ... And this here with my kisser.
[kisses her tenderly. Edith stiffens at first, then returns the kiss and holds him close, Archie breaks away and smiles at her cautiously]
Archie Bunker: Well, wasn't that nice?
Edith Bunker: [nods, looking both immensely relieved and frightened] Do you... still love me?
Archie Bunker: [baffled] DO I STILL LOVE YOU? What are you talkin' about? Why do you think I'm tryin' all this here... whaddaya call it..."LTD" on ya?
[meant to say "TLC", for Tender Loving Care]
Edith Bunker: ...What's that?
Archie Bunker: It's uh... uh uh..."Lovin' Til Daylight"... or something.
Archie Bunker: Look, here, I'm doin' the best I can. Lemme try again, huh?
Archie Bunker: [tries to kiss her again, but Edith reacts frightfully] What did I do?
Edith Bunker: I'm still scared.
Archie Bunker: Aw, Edith, don't be scared no more.
[hugs her tight]
Edith Bunker: I... I can't forget that man.
Archie Bunker: Aw, Edith...
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [barges in the bedroom door] Ma...
Archie Bunker: Learn to knock, learn to knock, LEARN TO KNOCK!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, look at ya! You haven't been out of this house in two weeks!
Edith Bunker: No, please, Gloria, I don't care! I don't wanna look at that man again.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, don't you see? The criminal's supposed to be in jail, not the victim!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [instructing Archie on how to be tender with Edith] I want you to hold her hand, put your arm around her, give her a kiss.
[gives him a little kiss]
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [forcefully] Now do that!
Archie Bunker: But if I do that after what happened here, she'll think I'm trying to attack her.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: No, no, no, you're wrong. See, what happened to ma had nothing to do with sex, it was an act of violence. And if you're not attentive, she's gonna think something's wrong with her. So go on up there daddy, I know she's thinking that right now. Be affectionate to her, come on. And I'll get your dinner started.
Archie Bunker: [reluctantly] Yeah, yeah, but Gloria. I, I... I can't do it!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [chasing him up the stairs] Get up there!

Edith Bunker: [refusing to identify her attacker] No, I ain't gonna leave this house!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You're gonna let him do what he did to you to God knows how many other women? I can't believe it! I'm ashamed of you. The mother I know would never refuse, my mother always helped other people! You know what? You are selfish! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER ANYMORE!
Edith Bunker: [Edith slaps Gloria, then immediately realizes what she's done] Oh, Gloria... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: It's okay, Ma. It's okay. I understand.
Edith Bunker: [Edith looks at her daughter tenderly, then her expression changes, and she knows what she needs to do] Come on, Archie.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, we have to call the police!
Archie Bunker: No.
Edith Bunker: DON'T!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: MOM! Remember when it happened to me 3 years ago? That's the first thing we did.
Archie Bunker: And what the first thing the cop told you when he come over to the house? He said it would never go into court, they'd ask you questions they turn around and make it look like you were ask for it there! That's why we dropped the whole thing, remember that, huh? And what you want to do, put your mother and me through the same kind of shame there?

Archie: I ain't never gonna go to that supermarket again there, I hate it. It's two weeks I'm doing all the shopping in this house 'cuz your mother's scared to go outside of the place. If I ever get my hands on that raperer, I'm gonna turn him into a unique.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well you blew your chance, Daddy, cuz with no one around to identify him the police had to let him go. But you just go get him, huh?
Archie: Death's too good for them guys, they ought to sentence them to 30 years in the supermarket.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, don't pounds on the front door like that anymore. When you do, it scares Ma and she runs upstairs and hide.
Archie: Ah geez, she's getting loonier every day! Washing and ironing the same things over and over. You know at night she sleeps with the lights on up there? I gotta hide myself under the covers, it ain't good for you you know. You ain't supposed to breathe the same air that your toes is in.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well, Daddy, you just better get used to this because it might go on for a long time.

Archie: This thing happened to you a couple years ago, didn't take *you* forever to get overs.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: How do you know? Ever since it happened I haven't been able to walk down 47th Avenue, and I'll tell you something else, Michael was wonderful through all of it, he helped me through the worst of it, he wasn't like you, he was so patient.
Archie: Ah geez.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Yes! He went out of his way to be sweet and kind and gentle.
Archie: Well he'd have to go out of his way to be sweet and gentle, comes natural to me.
[Gloria looks at him]
Archie: I'll SMACK that look off your face!

"All in the Family: The Battle of the Month (#3.24)" (1973)
Archie Bunker: Don't go blaming nothing on God that youse women brung on yourselves.
Gloria Stivic: What?
Archie Bunker: Yes, that's right. You don't believe me, read your Bible. Read the story about Adam and Eve there. Adam and Eve, they had it pretty soft out in paradise. They had no problems, they didn't even know they was naked. But Eve, she wasn't satisfied with all that, see? And one day against a direct order, she made poor Adam eat that apple. God got sore. He told them, "Get your clothes on and get the hell out of here".

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Now, we're going to get to the bottom of this. We're not going to sleep. You tell me WHY you got into a fight with your mother.
Gloria Stivic: Because I love her.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What?
Gloria Stivic: I felt I had to tell her the truth about herself.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Oh, and because of that, now she's not speaking to you?
Gloria Stivic: [mockingly] Yeeeessss.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [rolls his eyes] Oh, COME ON, Gloria. What are you trying to tell me? I know your mother; I've been living with her for over two years. She's a marvelous woman.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic, Gloria Stivic: [angrily] Are you saying I'm NOT?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: No! No! I'm not saying that. But, uhhhh...
Gloria Stivic: [mocks him] "But-uhhhh"... what?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: But... uhhhh...
Gloria Stivic: "But-uhhhh"-what... but... what... BUT... WHAT?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: BUT you're not like your mother!
Gloria Stivic: Well, thank God for THAT!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: You're like your father.
Gloria Stivic: [shouts] WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

Archie Bunker: [Gloria barges into the dining room after a brawl with her mother] What's going on out there? Where's dinner?
Gloria Stivic: Is that all you ever think about - dinner?
Archie Bunker: Well, when I'm sittin' at the dinner table - YES!

Edith Bunker: Gloria, I don't think you should be talking to your father that way. I know you ain't feeling well, but he's your father!
Gloria Stivic: Yeah, but that doesn't make him right, and when he's wrong, I'm going to tell him so.
Edith Bunker: But you didn't tell him he was wrong, you told him he was stupid.
Gloria Stivic: Well he is!

Gloria Stivic: Ma, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, well you're not a half, not even a quarter, you're a nothing, a zero!
Edith Bunker: Gloria!
Gloria Stivic: And even if you stood up to him 10 TIMES as much as you do, 10 times nothing is STILL nothing!

Gloria Stivic: You can stop listening now, the fight is over.
Archie Bunker: The fight might be over between you and him but it's not over between him and me. How dares he call me a bonehead?
Gloria Stivic: And how did you hear that? Did you have your hot little ear pressed against the wall?
Archie Bunker: Noooo!
Edith Bunker: He listened with this glass.
Gloria Stivic: Well I have one final thing to say to you.
[picks up glass]
Archie Bunker: Get it over with.
Gloria Stivic: [presses glass against his ear and yells into it] GOOD NIGHT!

"All in the Family: The Joys of Sex (#7.20)" (1977)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [after finding the book Edith's reading] Ma, what are you doing with that book?
Edith Bunker: Well, they was talking about it on the Dinah Shore show, and I figured if Dinah to read it it's okay for me to read it cause she ain't even been married lately.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, I know all about this book. It's just trashy, it's full of all sorts of lies, and it gives you advice to do ridiculous, kinky thinks to make yourself more attractive to your husband, it's yucky!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, the best thing for a person to when they're having a problem is to talk it over with the person they're having the problem with. Can't you talk to daddy?
Edith Bunker: I can't talk to your father about it, he won't listen. I can't do it.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You listen to me. If you can't talk to him about him about it, who can?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [cut to Mike in his house] Not me!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I don't know what you want, I don't even know what the problem is.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well, neither do I.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Look, Gloria, just because Ma is reading a book about sex doesn't mean they're having a problem.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well they will if she starts taking advice from that trashy book. It tells wives to greet their husbands at the door wearing nothing but a garter belt and a dry martini.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [interested] Where is this book?

"All in the Family: Edith's 50th Birthday (#8.4)" (1977)
Gloria Stivic: No, no, no, don't you see, she expects me to wish her a happy birthday because it's something that I always do. But it's something you never do so she doesn't expect it from you. But if I don't say anything, when she expects me to say something, because you don't want me to, then she's gonna know something is up because I haven't said anything when I should have. And if you say something, which I don't want you to do, when you're supposed to and you shouldn't have
[Archie turns up to look at her, says nothing, but stares at her in total confusion]
Gloria Stivic: then Ma's gonna know something is up because you said something. Don't you see? Don't you understand?
Archie Bunker: You get more like the old lady every day.

Archie: Hey, little girl, does your fish ever so often come out of water and lay on a rock?
Gloria: No.
Archie: Then he's dead.
Gloria: [crying] Mr. Jaws died.

Gloria Stivic: Don't forget to bring your punchbowl.
Archie: Waaaaait a minute, wait a minute, wait - you got a punchbowl of your own, I got one for your anniversary. Set me back $11!
Mike Stivic: Yeah, uh... we used it for Joey's goldfish.
Archie: [incredulous] For a goldfish? You got a 10-cent fish livin' in an $11 bowl? That's like YOU, livin' at the Waldorf.
Mike Stivic: [angrily] Lemme tell you something...
Archie: All right, hurry up.
Mike Stivic: Why must you always...
Archie: I CAN'T WAIT.
[slams the door in Meathead's face, walks away]

"All in the Family: California, Here We Are (#9.12)" (1978)
Edith Bunker: [Archie and Edith are visiting Gloria and Mike in California. Edith is peeking through the fence at the neighbors] You got a lot of neighbors, don't ya.
Gloria Stivic: Oh yeah.
Edith Bunker: Are they all poor or somethin?
Gloria Stivic: No, why?
Edith Bunker: Well they're all just laying there, passing around the same cigarette.
Archie: [Rolling his eyes] Gloria, take your poor mother out of harm's way, will ya.

Gloria: My parents gave us five years of happiness in their house.
Mike Stivic: Those were the worst five years of my life.
Gloria: Those were the first five years we were married.
Mike Stivic: Bingo.

Stephanie: Where's Joey and the meathead?
Gloria: [to Archie] Did you teach her that?
Archie: Where is Joey and the meathead?
[Gloria lightly slaps him]
Archie: Don't hit your father in the airport.

"All in the Family: Edith Has Jury Duty (#1.9)" (1971)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Do you believe in capital punishment, Ma?
Edith Bunker: Well, yeah, I guess so.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Mother!
Edith Bunker: Well, so long as it ain't too severe.

Archie Bunker: Go ahead, ask your mother, *she* believes in capital punishment.
Gloria Stivic: Do you Ma?
Edith Bunker: Well, sure.
Gloria Stivic: Mother...?
Edith Bunker: Well, as long as it ain't too severe.

"All in the Family: Archie and the Editorial (#3.1)" (1972)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, did you know that sixty percent of the people murdered in this country in the last ten years were killed by guns?
Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, how can you be against gun control with all the assassinations? Look at it, the Kennedys and Martin Luther King. And what about the shooting of Governor Wallace?
Archie Bunker: I'm saying maybe Governor Wallace wouldn't have gotten shot if he had a rod in his mitt!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What?
Archie Bunker: Because the Governor was there, he coulda shot first!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, what would he be doing walking around in a crowd with a gun?
Archie Bunker: What was the other bum doing in the crowd with the gun?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: That's ridiculous, Archie! You're talking about a human being who may be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
Archie Bunker: Yes, and if that human being had a rod, then the other human being would be in the wheelchair!

"All in the Family: Archie Eats and Runs (#4.21)" (1974)
Mike Stivic: [Dialing the phone] What else? You only gave me six numbers.
Gloria Stivic: No, I gave you seven numbers.
Mike Stivic: One of those numbers was a sneeze. Do you see a sneeze on this dial?

Gloria Stivic: Did you call Dr. Nelson?
Edith Bunker: Yeah and he can't come, he says he don't feel well enough to make house calls. He says it sounds like both of you got the same thing,
Gloria Stivic: Oh no, you mean Dr. Nelson is sick too? Well what did you tell him?
Edith Bunker: I told him to take 2 aspirin and get plenty of rest.

"All in the Family: Archie Learns His Lesson (#3.22)" (1973)
[Edith, Michael and Gloria are eating at the dinner table; Michael sighs]
Edith Bunker: What's the matter, Mike?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I don't know. Something's missing.
Edith Bunker: Not enough salt?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Not enough Archie. It's too quiet around here.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Michael, don't tell me you like arguing with Daddy.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I didn't say I like it, it's just I'm used to it. My body's used to it. When Archie's here, I eat better.
Edith Bunker: Well don't worry, Mike, he's only working overtime tonight. Tomorrow he'll be home at his regular time, and I'm sure he'll get in a nice argument with you.

Edith Bunker: I'll never forget the first time I made pot roast for your father. Only he wasn't your father then, we was just keeping company. I invited him to my house for dinner and I made him pot roast. And that was the first time he ever called me "dingbat."
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well that's awful, even if he didn't like your cooking.
Edith Bunker: Oh, no, he loved it.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Then why'd he call you "dingbat"?
Edith Bunker: Well in them days, Archie was too shy to call me "sweetheart" or "darling," so he called me "his little dingbat."
[Smiling sweetly]
Edith Bunker: And you know what, ever since then, no matter how mad he says "dingbat," I always hear a little "sweetheart" in it.

"All in the Family: Archie's Road Back (#8.9)" (1977)
Gloria: Look at him, Ma. Curled up like a fetus in the womb.
Archie: I don't care what Ma's gonna feed us at noon.

Edith: You should apologize to Harry.
Archie: Apologize for what? For killing me? Did Abe Lincoln apologize to Alexander Graham Booth?
Gloria: John Wilkes Booth.
Archie: Don't repeat what I say.

"All in the Family: Mike's Hippie Friends Come to Visit (#1.7)" (1971)
Gloria Stivic: Robin's burning incense. I think it smells nice.
Archie Bunker: It smells like a house of Ill Refute.

Mike Stivic: You got a hang-up about sex.
Archie: I ain't got a hang-up about... That.
Mike Stivic: See, you can't even say it.
Archie: I don't use four letter words in front of women, ya dope.
Gloria: Daddy, you shouldn't be afraid of sex.
Archie: Listen, little girl, if I was a afraid of it, you wouldn't be here. Right, Edith?

"All in the Family: Gloria and the Riddle (#3.4)" (1972)
Edith Bunker: [Gloria's riddle about a father, a son and a surgeon has stumped everyone] Maybe the answer has something to do with people that come back from the hereafter, like that milk company.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh, reincarnation?

Archie Bunker: [when no-one can figure out the riddle, Archie proposes a new game] Bandleaders' initials.
Edith Bunker: Oh, I know that game. You think up the name of a famous bandleader, but you just give the initials, and then the others have to guess who it is. But you have to have lived a lot to play a game like that.
Archie Bunker: Yeah, you said it... Let me think of a good one for you. Ahhhhh, P.W.
Tammy Robinson: Paul Whiteman.
Archie Bunker: [impressed] Hey, Look at Tammy. She got it right away, here.
Archie Bunker: [after some further discussion and a couple more bandleaders] Hey, hey, I thought of a good one... Now, I got one for all of youse: E.C.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: E.C...
Tammy Robinson: Eddie Condon.
Archie Bunker: Well, Eddie Condon's E.C., but ain't the E.C. I'm thinkin' about.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Eddie Cochran?
Archie Bunker: I never heard of him.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: So?
Archie Bunker: [annoyed] Well, if I never heard of him, he ain't the right E.C.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: All right, we give up. Who is it?
Archie Bunker: Youse all give up?... Heh, heh, heh. Egzavier Cugat!
Tammy Robinson: [everyone falls on the floor] Egzavier Cugat! That's wonderful!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, that's not E.C., that's X.C. Xavier begins with an 'X'.
Archie Bunker: Get outta here... No human being begins his name with an 'X'. I heard it a million times: Egzavier Cugat. E - G - Z - avier Cugat. Look it up.

"All in the Family: The Bunkers and Inflation: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1974)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, swearing is a sign of a weak mind.
Archie Bunker: Ah, shut the hell up.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, you really think you're going on strike, huh?
Archie Bunker: Well, I don't know - if some of them young hotheads down at the plant get their way. I don't know what some of these guys want. They're asking for staggered work shifts, lounges with pictures on the walls, and books. The want to turn the factory into a house of pleasure. They don't want to work - they're a bunch of fairies.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, people should be treated with respect!
Archie Bunker: Listen little girl, respect is for the dead. The living need dough.

"All in the Family: Cousin Maude's Visit (#2.12)" (1971)
Edith Bunker: And how do you two feel this morning?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Well, my temperature's down to a hundred, but my throat still feels bad. My eyes are clearing up, but my nasal passages...
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh, who cares Michael, who cares? Do you know what he did to me? He set the alarm to wake himself up every two hours all night long so he could gargle, take his pills, wheeze on his inhaler for ten minutes. You know something Michael? When you're sick, you're sick!

"All in the Family: Gloria Has a Belly Full (#1.6)" (1971)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [Archie's come to see her after the miscarriage] Hi Daddy.
Archie Bunker: Hiya sweetheart. Howya feeling? You look pretty good there.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: I didn't do a very good job, did I?
Archie Bunker: Aw, who said that, some dopey doctor?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: No, no, Daddy, stop that.
Archie Bunker: Aw gee whiz.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [gives her a tender look] You want to say something?
Archie Bunker: Uh, well, no, no. Nothing, I, uh... nothing.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You love me.
[he nods with love in his eyes]
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: I love you too, Daddy.
[scene ends with a tender look between the two]

"All in the Family: Christmas Day at the Bunkers' (#2.13)" (1971)
Mike Stivic: Alotta places have the same names like Portland, Maine and Portland, Oregon.
Gloria Stivic: Yeah, Birmingham, England and Birmingham, Alabama.
Edith Bunker: New York, New York.

"All in the Family: Archie Gives Blood (#1.4)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: Some of those doctors are beginning to look at us as if we was all a collection of spare parts.
Gloria Stivic: C'mon, Daddy, don't get paranoid about it. Medicine is still dedicated to keeping us alive.
Archie Bunker: All right, but not against His will.
[Points skyward]
Mike Stivic: What does 'His will' got to do with it?
Archie Bunker: I ain't talkin' to you, you're an atheist!
Mike Stivic: Oh, wait a second. We're talkin' about modern medicine here. We're talkin' about doctors keeping us alive. Now how did He get into it?
Archie Bunker: He was never out of it, buddy boy. Life and death is His business. And you gotta go when He calls.
Gloria Stivic: Unless modern medicine saves you.
Archie Bunker: It can't.
Mike Stivic: Whaddaya mean it can't? It happens all the time.
Archie Bunker: That's when He wasn't really calling. But when He really calls, you gotta go. And He don't want no quack doctors down here putting other hearts in you to keep you here against His will. Throws His schedule all off. You throw His schedule off and you're gonna have to answer for it when you get up there.
Mike Stivic: Where?
Archie Bunker: Heaven, wise guy! You knew damn well what I was talkin' about - Heaven! When you get up there He's gonna want to know from you, why you didn't come when you was called. Why you was late.
Mike Stivic: You really believe that?
Archie Bunker: I certainly do!

"All in the Family: Joey's Baptism (#6.22)" (1976)
Archie Bunker: [Archie shares with Gloria his reasoning about why Joey should be baptized] Listen, little girl, every kid needs to be somethin'. And everybody's gotta know what he is. That way at least his own kind won't throw rocks at him. If he's nuthin', they'll *all* throw rocks at him. And I know, I threw many a rock in my day.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You used to throw rocks at kids and you call yourself religious?
Archie Bunker: No, well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Throwin' rocks is, what do you call, an age-old religious custom, there, for bringin' people around. All your ancient people, there, threw rocks, until they got axes and spears, and later on guns to do God's work.

"All in the Family: Mike and Gloria Split (#7.23)" (1977)
Mike Stivic: Your spelling is atrocious.
Gloria Stivic: Atrocious?
Mike Stivic: Yeah, can you spell that?
Gloria Stivic: Atrocious. M-E-A-T-H-E-A-D. Atrocious.

"All in the Family: Archie's Fraud (#3.2)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: [Gloria comes home from work, and Mike greets her with hugs and kisses] Look at them two over there. Can't yous two come up for air?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, I haven't seen him all day.
Archie Bunker: You want to see him, open your eyes and step back.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Be nice, Daddy. I worked hard today.
Archie Bunker: So did I, little girl, but you don't see me comin' home and slobberin' all over your mother.
Edith Bunker: No, that's right, Gloria. Your father was never much of a slobberer. He's more of a pecker.

"All in the Family: Birth of the Baby: Part 2 (#6.15)" (1975)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Gloria has given birth just seconds before] That wasn't too bad, was it?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh no, Michael. Not with you here to help.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: How do you feel about a second one?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [stares at him] Not now, Michael. I have a headache.

"All in the Family: Archie Is Branded (#3.20)" (1973)
Paul: [when the Bunker house is defaced by mistake, Mike and a radical Jewish defender disagree about how to respond] I don't agree with what you say, but I like your chutzpah. Y'know somethin'? One of these days you're gonna find out that this is the only answer.
Paul: [he forms Mike's hand into a fist] Right there.
Mike Stivic: I still think you're wrong. Because this...
Mike Stivic: [He makes his other hand into a fist] ... only gets you this.
Paul: OK, friend. You keep talkin', and I'll do what I have to do. Shalom.
[he leaves]
Edith Bunker: Shalom. What does that mean?
Mike Stivic: Believe it or not, Ma, it means 'Peace'.
Gloria Stivic: Jewish people also use it to say 'Hello' or 'Goodbye'.
Edith Bunker: How do you know which one they mean?
Archie Bunker: Why don't you use your common sense, Edith? If a Jew is comin' at you, it means 'Hello'. If he's goin' the other way, it means 'Goodbye'.
Edith Bunker: [sincerely trying to understand] But when does it mean 'Peace'?
Archie Bunker: Ahhh, Edith, in between 'Hello' and 'Goodbye'.

"All in the Family: George and Archie Make a Deal (#5.12)" (1974)
Archie Bunker: [to Michael] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What the hell are you doing?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh, Michael's got a new hobby, macramé. He's making me a new belt.
Edith Bunker: Ain't it pretty?
Archie Bunker: Maca-roni? What?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Macramé.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Archie glares at Michael] Don't say it.
Archie Bunker: There ain't nothin' to say, 'Florence'... Will you stop doin' that? Some friend of mine might come walkin' through the door and find out that I got a fruitcake for a son-in-law.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, there's nothing effeminate about it. Lots of men are doing hobbies like that.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Yeah, Rosey Greer does needlepoint. Would you call him a fruitcake?
Archie Bunker: There's no such thing as a colored fag.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What?
Archie Bunker: You don't believe me? Walk up to any colored guy and ask him, "Are you a fag?" Your tonsils will be wearing your mustache.

"All in the Family: Archie and the Kiss (#4.4)" (1973)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Thanks for the nightgown, Mrs. Lorenzo. I'm going to go upstairs and try it on now.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Imitating Groucho Marx] I think I'll give her a hand.
Archie Bunker: Get outta here.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: And then I'll give her the other hand.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Get outta here!

"All in the Family: Alone at Last (#6.2)" (1975)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [Mike is moving a mattress to their new home without help from Archie] Honey, let me help you with that.
Archie Bunker: No, no, little girl, get away from that! You ain't supposed to be doin' nothin' in your condition.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Aw, Daddy, please don't say 'condition'. You make it sound like I've got the Heartbreak of Psoriasis
[the slogan of a popular commercial in the 1970s]
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: .
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: I don't have a condition. I'm pregnant.
Archie Bunker: [annoyed] Well, don't say that! Can't you say you're expectin'? Jeez, 'pregnant' sounds like you done somethin'.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [deadpan] We did!
Archie Bunker: Well, you don't have to go advertisin' it to the world. What you do in the privates of your own room is your own privates.
Edith Bunker: When I was a little girl and a woman was startin' to show, they used to say she was expectin' a bundle from heaven. But, of course, everybody knew it was really a baby.
Archie Bunker: Well, I wish we could get back to them days. What this world needs is a little more of that class. Well, herein before, when we talk about Gloria's condition, now, we're just gonna say she's, she's 'expectin'.
Edith Bunker: Or, 'in a family way'?
Archie Bunker: Or, 'with child'.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: How do you feel about 'knocked up'?

"All in the Family: Archie the Babysitter (#6.17)" (1976)
Gloria: You just don't want to be alone with the baby 'cause you're afraid you might have to change him.
Archie: You think I never changed you, little girl?
Gloria: If I had waited for you to do that, I would've worn the same diaper since I was two. Ma told me that.
Archie: Don't believe your mother, you believe me. Many is the time I changed you, little girl, and it wasn't always wee-wee. Sometimes it was this here.
[Holds up two fingers]
Gloria: Well I never promised you a rose garden.

"All in the Family: The Elevator Story (#2.14)" (1972)
Mike Stivic: Ma, can you remember the name of the insurance guy?
Edith Bunker: Um... It's a German name... Hinklemeyer. That's it.
Archie Bunker: Hinklemeyer, okay.
Gloria Stivic: Ma, are you sure that's the name?
Edith Bunker: Yeah. Hinklemeyer, that's it.
[takes sip of wine]
Edith Bunker: Or Swanson.

"All in the Family: Everybody Does It (#5.20)" (1975)
Archie Bunker: My conscience don't talk to me.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: I don't blame it. It shouldn't talk to a stranger.

"All in the Family: Everybody Tells the Truth (#3.21)" (1973)
Edith Bunker: This is a nice restaurant, and it's called the Gay Paris.
Gloria Stivic: That's Gay Paree, Ma.
Archie Bunker: Gay, gay, what'd you do? Bring us into a fag hangout?

"All in the Family: Archie and the Bowling Team (#3.13)" (1972)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Opens a present from Gloria, reveals that it's a leather shoulder bag] Hey Gloria, this is great!
[puts the bag over his shoulder]
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Just what I need to keep all my stuff in.
Edith Bunker: Oh Archie, ain't that beautiful!
Archie Bunker: Holy cow, a purse! Aw, that's just gorgeous there.
[to Gloria]
Archie Bunker: Did you buy him matching pantyhose?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You're really sick.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, this is a bag to carry things in. What's wrong with that?
Archie Bunker: If you don't know buddy, I'll spell it out for you: "F-A-G FRUIT."
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: There you go again. Just because something looks a little bit different to you, you have to put a label on it, right?
Archie Bunker: [affecting a lisp] Well, if the purse fithssss, wear it.

"All in the Family: Archie's Weighty Problem (#6.20)" (1976)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, you need exercise. So tonight after dinner, why don't you and Michael take a nice brisk evening walk?
Archie Bunker: Are you kidding, an evening walk in this town? You walk to fast, the cops pick you up. You walk too slow, the muggers knock you down.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well, then skip.
Archie Bunker: I do that and the fags are all over me.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: That's 'cause you're so pretty.

"All in the Family: Judging Books by Covers (#1.5)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: His pal Roger is as queer as a $4 bill and he knows it.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: That's not only cruel Daddy, that's an outright lie.
Mike Stivic: You know something Archie, just because a guy is sensitive, and he's an intellectual and he wears glasses, you make him out a queer.
Archie Bunker: I never said a guy who wears glasses is a queer. A guy who wears glasses is a four-eyes. A guy who is a fag is a queer.

"All in the Family: Edith's Accident (#2.7)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: All right, Meathead. Go up and get your tape recorder.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What are you going to do, start playing Attorney General?
Archie Bunker: Don't argue with me, huh? Just get the tape recorder.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Are you going to tell this man you're taping his conversation?
Archie Bunker: Does J. Edgar Hoover tell anybody?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: If you don't tell him you're taping him, you're depriving him of his civil rights.
Archie Bunker: He ain't colored, he's Polish!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, you're violating his rights under the First Amendment.
Archie Bunker: Whose side are you on anyhow, huh? Look at me, I know I got a lot going against me, I'm white, I'm Protestant, I'm hard-working. Can't you find one lousy amendment to protect me?

"All in the Family: The Little Atheist (#6.11)" (1975)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [about Archie] Michael, you're very bright. You know the three subjects you should never discuss with him: religion, politics or anything else.

"All in the Family: Mike and Gloria's Will (#7.10)" (1976)
Archie Bunker: I'm gonna give this to somebody else.
[tries to take the doll away from Gloria and in the process pulls its head off]
Gloria Stivic: Aah! Daddy! Well I can't give it to Joey like this.
Archie Bunker: Alright, maybe you can find some poor, deserving little kid who would like a 'decrapitated' pee-pee doll.

"All in the Family: Archie's Bitter Pill (#8.8)" (1977)
[after Archie stuffs his breakfast into his pockets and leaves]
Mike Stivic: That man is on something.
Gloria: Bananas.
Edith: He's on bananas?

"All in the Family: The Dinner Guest (#8.23)" (1978)
Archie Bunker: Can you believe a family of midgets by the name of the Bambinis?
Gloria Stivic: No.
Archie Bunker: Sure. You couldn't tell the parents from the kids until the old man lit up a cigar. They was walking around here talking about lowering all the door knobs.
Gloria Stivic: I hope you didn't say anything to hurt their feelings.
Archie Bunker: No, I think anything I said went right over their heads.

"All in the Family: Meet the Bunkers (#1.1)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: Now wait a minute, Meathead, you said that, not me. I never said your black beauties was lazy. It's just their systems is geared a little slower than the rest of us.
Mike Stivic: Archie...
Archie Bunker: You don't believe me, look it up.
Gloria Stivic: He's prejudiced, there's no hope for him. No hope at all.
Archie Bunker: I'm not prejudiced, any man deserves my respect and he's gonna get it irregardless of his color.
Mike Stivic: Then what are you calling them names like black beauties for?
Archie Bunker: Now that's where I got you, mister liberal, because there's a black guy who works down at the building with me, he's got a bumper sticker on his car that says 'Black is Beautiful', huh, so what's the matter with black beauties?
Edith Bunker: It's nicer than when he called them coons.

"All in the Family: Archie's Helping Hand (#5.6)" (1974)
Archie Bunker: Equality is unfair.
Gloria Stivic, Edith Bunker, Irene Lorenzo: What?
Archie Bunker: That's right. What's the point of a man working hard all of his life trying to get someplace if all he's going to do is wind up equal?

"All in the Family: Flashback - Mike and Gloria's Wedding: Part 1 (#3.9)" (1972)
Gloria: [doorbell rings] Oh, that must be Uncle Kasim. Daddy, now please be nice. Please?
Archie Bunker: I'm always nice, little girl. Now go and open the door and let Uncle Polack in.

"All in the Family: Edith's Problem (#2.15)" (1972)
[Edith is going through menopause, and Archie is planning a trip]
Edith Bunker: I wanna talk about where we're going.
Archie Bunker: Well, that's fine, there, Edith. If you want to talk about Florida, let's talk about Florida. And by the way, we ain't confirmed about going there yet.
Edith Bunker: No, no, no! Not Florida! I want to go to Scranton.
Archie Bunker: Scranton? Edith, uh, what is in Scranton?
Edith Bunker: My cousin Emily.
Archie Bunker: Your cousin Emily?
Edith Bunker: You hate Emily!
Archie Bunker: No, no, no, no, I don't, Edith. I don't hate Emily. I never said that, I never said that at all. No, I like her, and I like their little home in Scranton, there, and those four cute teenagers. I think her husband is a real nice guy, and I, I can't say that... I can't go on like this, that's one thing I can't do! I can't believe a word of anything I'm saying around here! This ain't natural! No, I don't like her, and I don't like her husband! He's a bum, and he always was, and she's a crank, and she always was! And I hate their four rotten kids! And the only way you're gettin' me to go to Scranton is if some screwball hijacks the airplane! I know all about your women's troubles there, Edith, but when I had the hernia that time I didn't make you wear the truss!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Come on, Archie!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy!
Archie Bunker: No, no, no, Edith! If you're gonna have the change of life, you gotta do it right now! I'm gonna give you just thirty seconds. Now, come on, change!

"All in the Family: We're Having a Heat Wave (#4.1)" (1973)
Mike Stivic: Why is Jefferson number 2?
Archie Bunker: Because, Meathead, there can only be one number 1 and one number 2 and life made Jefferson number 2 long before I come along.
Gloria Stivic: So then Puerto Ricans are number 3 then, huh Daddy?
Archie Bunker: Well not necissarily there, Little Girl, your Puerto Ricans can be 4. Your Japs and your Chinks can be 3 - 3A, 3B.

"All in the Family: Sammy's Visit (#2.21)" (1972)
Gloria: I'm sorry, Mr. Davis, sometimes my father says the wrong things.
Sammy Davis Jr.: Yeah, I've noticed that.
Lionel Jefferson: But he's not a bad guy, Mr. Davis. I mean like, he'd never burn a cross on your lawn.
Sammy Davis Jr.: No, but if he saw one burning, he's liable to toast a marshmallow on it.

"All in the Family: Stalemates (#8.20)" (1978)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [Mike and Gloria are on the bathroom floor making out] What if the maid comes in?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I don't care. I don't want her. I want you.

"All in the Family: Mike Comes Into Money (#3.8)" (1972)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well, what do you want me to do?
Edith Bunker: [Screeching] I don't know! All I know is you ruined your father's dinner!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: I said I was sorry! Well, excuse me for living!
Archie Bunker: What is all the hollerin' out here?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Nothing!
Archie Bunker: For a minute I thought I was in the back room of a Greek restaurant!