Maude Findlay
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Quotes for
Maude Findlay (Character)
from "All in the Family" (1971)

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"Maude: Maude Bares Her Soul (#4.9)" (1975)
Maude Findlay: [sighing] Look, don't you ever say anything?
Psychiatrist: [Mildly] Ah ha.
Maude Findlay: That's what I get for fifty dollars a session, ah ha? If I give you sixty will you bark?

Psychiatrist: [Taking out a cigarette]
Maude Findlay: Another cig- do you know that's the third cigarette you've had since I've been here? My father used to smoke just like that. He had the same two ugly yellow fingers you have.

Maude Findlay: [about Walter] Last night he was sitting on the edge of the bed, clipping his toe nails. I was over at my dressing table, pouring a cup of tea. Suddenly I hear a clip. Doctor, what do you think the odds are against a toe nail clipping flying across the room, ricocheting off a mirror, landing on a nose and dropping into a tea cup?

Maude Findlay: [about her mother] In my entire life we only had one argument. It started when I was four and I'll let you know when it's over.

Maude Findlay: [about why she stopped kissing her father goodnight] I remember thinking to myself, okay, if he could throw me over for Singin' Sam, the Barbosal man, I'll show him.
[Breaking down]
Maude Findlay: So I started sneaking up the kitchen stairs without kissing him goodnight, thinking "That'll show him!" and waiting for him to ask where was his goodnight kiss... and he never asked, because he never knew I stopped.
[She begins crying even more]
Maude Findlay: .

Maude Findlay: You know the road ahead is starting to look a lot shorter than the road behind and I can't take it, because I love this life. I... love this life, I LOVE IT!

Maude Findlay: [Grabbing a tissue] Oh boy, aren't we having fun!

Maude Findlay: [to her doctor] What are you writing now?
[Looking at his writing pad]
Maude Findlay: You're not even writing, you're doodling! SURE, that's what my life is, one big doodle!
Maude Findlay: Oh, why the hell did I say that. I'm not in the habit of putting myself down. I let other people do... why the hell did I say that? People do not put me down, at least not to my fa... God doctor
[Her voice begins to tremble]
Maude Findlay: I'm beginning to sound absolutely paranoid!

Maude Findlay: [while discussing not having the ideal coat for her prom] Just as my date and I were walking up the high school steps, there was my father. He was out of breath and sweating and he was holding this coat with the Persian lamb collar. He had gone to the furrior's home and- and pleaded with them to open the store so that he could buy that coat, and then he broke every traffic law in the books so that he could get there in time to give me this coat, with the Persian lamb collar so that I could wear it to the prom.
[Breaking into tears]
Maude Findlay: Oh, how could I have forgotten a thing like that? I mean what a sweet, thoughtful, loving thing to do! You know, deep down, I never said this out loud to anyone, not even myself but I think deep down I loved my father. Oh, how I loved him.

Maude Findlay: [In extreme tears] Oh God, oh God, how I loved my father! And I never told him either!

Maude Findlay: [Recalling the truth about her father] I know why I stopped kissing him goodnight. I loved him so much I was frightened that he would reject me.

Maude Findlay: [In tears] I look for love and then I reject it before it has the chance to reject me! Sure! That's why I can't take chances. That's why I try to be so tough. That's why my humor is so caustic. That's why I met you for the first time today and I don't care if you like me, I don't care at all!

Maude Findlay: I'm not afraid of growing old. I'm afraid of growing old alone.

Maude Findlay: Doctor, I am fifty years old and nobody loves me. NOBODY loves me! I don't care whether that's true of not, that's the way I feel!

Maude Findlay: [Preparing to leave] Don't worry about me doctor, I'm going to be alright. Just give me a couple of days and I'll have it all together, all of it. Oh and uh, in case you're wondering doctor, I won't be seeing you again. Goodbye.

Maude Findlay: [Just as she's about to walk out the door]
[laughing hysterically]
Maude Findlay: The craziest thought just crossed my mind. I was wondering if I were to walk over to your desk and you know, kiss you goodbye, just a little peck on the cheek
[Pausing briefly]
Maude Findlay: I was wondering if you'd kiss me back.
[Tearing up again]
Maude Findlay: See you Friday?

"Maude: Maude's Dilemma: Part 1 (#1.9)" (1972)
Carol Traynor: [Carol is trying to convince Maude to have an abortion] Mother, I don't understand your hesitancy. When they made it a law you were for it.
Maude Findlay: Of course! I wasn't pregnant then!

[Maude enters the house and slams the front door]
Vivian Cavender: [Cheerfully] Hi Maude!
[Maude shoots Vivian a fierce glare]
Carol Traynor: Mother, it's past 8 O'Clock.
Maude Findlay: Carol, I'm proud of you. Only 27 years old and already you tell time.

Maude Findlay: [after Maude has been hitting herself, yelling and grimacing]
[Carol and Vivian ask what's wrong]
Maude Findlay: Will you two stop hounding me! If there was something wrong don't you think you'd see it in my behavior?

Maude Findlay: [Afraid to admit she's pregnant] Don't look at me Viv.
[Vivian turns away from Maude]
Maude Findlay: Vivian.
[Long pause]
Maude Findlay: I'm pregnant.
Vivian Cavender: You're kidding.
[Maude remains silent]
Vivian Cavender: Aren't you? You're pulling my leg. Maude.
[Maude is still silent]
Vivian Cavender: Maude? Maude, please pull my leg.

Carol Traynor: Look, there's only one sensible way out of this. You don't have to have the baby.
Maude Findlay: Oh? What'll I do... trade it in for a volleyball on Let's Make a Deal?

Vivian Cavender: Maude, you haven't told Walter yet, have you?
[Maude shakes her head]
Vivian Cavender: You think he'll be pleased?
Maude Findlay: Well, let me put it this way Vivian. You know how pleased I am. Walter will be twice as pleased.

Vivian Cavender: Maude. One thing I don't understand about all this. Weren't you using the pill?
Maude Findlay: No. It gives me migraines.
Carol Traynor: What did you do, mother... cross your fingers?

Carol Traynor: [to Arthur] Look, the way things are going, if even older people like my mother and Walter start behaving like rabbits, well we're all gonna end up living like sardines!
Maude Findlay: Beautifully put, Carol. I mean it's not every mother that gets to be called a rabbit.

Maude Findlay: [Preparing to admit she's pregnant] Come into the kitchen, Walter.
Walter Findlay: What's the matter? Did you wreck the car again?
Maude Findlay: Did you hear that everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not Maude are you sick or Maude are you unhappy or even Maude are you pregnant. No, Maude did you wreck the car again.
Walter Findlay: Alright, you're right darling. You're absolutely right and I'm sorry.
[Sitting down]
Walter Findlay: So tell me sweetheart, are you sick?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you unhappy?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you pregnant?
Maude Findlay: [Deadpan] Yes.
[Kisses Walter on the head]

Walter Findlay: [after finding out Maude's pregnant] Maude, we've seen enough movies together. This is the place in the movie where we say we're kidding. You were kidding, right?
Maude Findlay: [Shaking her head] We're not kidding, Walter. The rabbit died.
Walter Findlay: I know how he feels!

Carol Traynor: [to Maude] You're just scared.
Maude Findlay: I am NOT scared!
Carol Traynor: [Referring to the abortion process] You are, and it's as simple as going to the dentist.
Maude Findlay: NOW I'm scared!

Carol Traynor: [Discussing abortion] Mother, listen to me. It's a simple operation now, but when you were growing up it was illegal and it was dangerous and it was sinister, and you've never gotten over that. Now you tell me that's not true.
Maude Findlay: It's not true. And you're right. I've never gotten over it.

Maude Findlay: [Maude hasn't revealed her secret yet] Vivian, you leave me alone at a time like this and I'll rip your heart out.

Carol Traynor: [Maude is scribbling on a piece of paper] Mother, what are you doing?
Maude Findlay: I'm just figuring how many yards of tubing it'll take from the exhaust pipe to the rear window on a '69 Corvair.

Walter Findlay: Maude, did you wreck the car again?
Maude Findlay: Did you hear that, everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not "Maude, are you sick?" Or "Maude, are you unhappy?" Or even, "Maude, are you pregnant?" No, "Maude, did you wreck the car again?"
Walter Findlay: You're right, darling. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. So tell me, are you sick?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you unhappy?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you pregnant?
Maude Findlay: Yes.

"All in the Family: Cousin Maude's Visit (#2.12)" (1971)
Cousin Maude: Archie, you can either get up and eat breakfast, or lie there, feeding off your own fat.
Cousin Maude: And if you choose the latter, you could probably lie there for months.

Archie Bunker: [Maude refuses to get out of Archie's chair] Well, I got the secret weapon that can lay this little lady right away. Here we go. This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt!
Cousin Maude: You're fat.
Archie Bunker: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Franklin Delano Roosevelt...
Edith Bunker: Archie, you promised never to say that name again in front of Maude.
Archie Bunker: Franklin Delano Roosevelt!
Edith Bunker: [to Maude] He don't mean nothing. His whole family was for Roosevelt.
Archie Bunker: That was for two terms. But that was it. We didn't know the guy was going to hold on to the job like a pope!

Cousin Maude: [after Maude sings to wake everybody up] Are you waiting for a special invitation? I said breakfast is on the table.
Archie Bunker: I heard ya. So did every moose up in Canada.

Archie Bunker: Roosevelt sold us out to Joe Stalin at Gibraltar.
Maude: They met at Yalta.
Archie Bunker: He sold us out there too.

Archie Bunker: This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Maude: You're fat.

Archie Bunker: [Maude hands him his breakfast] What's this?
Cousin Maude: It's my own invention. Cream of Wheat with cheese.
Archie Bunker: Cheese?
Cousin Maude: It's light but it binds.

Cousin Maude: That man had charisma!
Archie Bunker: I don't care if he was sick!

"Maude: Maude's Guest (#2.16)" (1974)
Maude Findlay: Well, well, well, you two are having a real old fashioned bull session?
Florida Evans: Yeah, a lotta bull but not much session.

Maude Findlay: [about stuffed dog] How do you like our little puppy? It's been in the family for years.
Francie Potter: Then you should take the price tag off.

Maude Findlay: Let me guess, you're...
Francie Potter: Little Black Riding Hood.

Maude Findlay: And here is the pièce de résistance: a poster of Isaac Hayes. They say that John Denver is very big now too, but unfortunately he's white.
Florida Evans: Oh, poor devil.

Maude Findlay: Francie, I hope you're hungry. We're having fried chicken for dinner.
Francie Potter: Good, I win a buck.
Maude Findlay: You win a buck?
Francie Potter: I bet that dumb brother of mine that you'd have fried chicken for me the first thing off.
Maude Findlay: Ha ha ha. I love a person with a sense of humor. Excuse me. Carol, for Heaven's sake, go into the kitchen and throw out the grits.

Maude Findlay: As far as I'm concerned, you can freeze your butt off till it turns blue.

"Maude: Maude's Dilemma: Part 2 (#1.10)" (1972)
Maude Findlay: I keep forgetting. Is black coffee good or bad for a woman in my condition?
Carol Traynor: Well, it keeps you awake.
Maude Findlay: Bad. That's what GOT me in this condition.

Carol Traynor: Mother, you don't have to have the baby. I told you before there's no reason to feel guilty and there's certainly no reason to be afraid.
[Maude doesn't reply]
Carol Traynor: [Frustrated] You're like talking to a stone wall!
Maude Findlay: A PREGNANT stone wall!

Maude Findlay: [to Carol, about Walter] Last night, in his sleep, he said Maude, I want to have this baby.
Carol Traynor: [With a sigh of relief] Well why didn't you tell me that before?
Maude Findlay: Because it's not true. Look, Carol, I just want to get you OFF MY BACK!

Maude Findlay: Listen honey, would you like a pickle?
Walter Findlay: No, thanks.
Maude Findlay: They probably go better with pregnancies than with vasectomies.

Walter Findlay: Maude. I think it would be wrong to have a child at our age.
Maude Findlay: [Tearing up] Oh, so do I Walter.
[Hugging him]
Maude Findlay: Oh, so do I.

Maude Findlay: Just tell me Walter that I'm doing the right thing not having the baby.
Walter Findlay: For you Maude. For me. In the privacy of our own lives. You're doing the right thing.

"Maude: Vivian's First Funeral (#5.1)" (1976)
Dr. Arthur Harmon: [Vivian gives a deceased woman back a brooch Arthur took from her] How could Vivian do such a thing?
Maude Findlay: Don't worry, Arthur. Hattie will give it back to Agnes. She's bound to run into her down there.

Vivian Harmon: I've never actually seen a body that wasn't alive before.
Maude Findlay: Vivian, what are you talking about? You've been married to Arthur for three years.

Dr. Arthur Harmon: Where is Hattie being laid out?
Maude Findlay: MacDonald's.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: MacDonald's?
Maude Findlay: Arthur, it's a funeral home on Main Street. Next to the Burger King.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: I'll meet you all there later. I think it's nice that Hattie is at MacDonald's. She deserves a break today.

Maude Findlay: [At a funeral] I am not having a good time here.

"Maude: Maude and the Radical (#1.5)" (1972)
Maude Findlay: [drunk] You really want to know? "Who is Mrs. Dubonay?" You ask? Well I have a better question, Arthur Harmon, who is you? Who is any of us?
[breaking into song]
Maude Findlay: "Whooooooooooo is Syyyyylvia..."

Maude Findlay: Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Dubonay is a visitor from a far-off land. She is a proud native of a newly emerging black nation.
Florida Evans: Yeah, Harlem.

Maude Findlay: I'm as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers. Don't look at me, I heard it on The Dean Martin Show.

Maude Findlay: How can I have a party for a black guest of honor and not have one single black guest?
Carol Traynor: Maybe you should've invited two black couples, Maude.
Walter Findlay: That's right, Maude, you should always have a back-up black.
Maude Findlay: [Skyward] Please, if you really do exist, get him soon.

"Maude: The Will (#2.11)" (1973)
Walter Findlay: I am sick and tired of your attitude Maude.You wanna wear the pants in this family?Be my guest.
[pulls his pants down]
Maude Findlay: Walter if you're stupid enough to stand there with your pants down,let me tell you one thing.Our guests have arrived.
Florida Evans: [to guests] I think I owe you all an apology.If I had known that the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down,I would done a better job by ironing his shorts.

Walter Findlay: I am sick and tired of your attitude Maude.You wanna wear the pants in this family,be my guest.
Maude Findlay: Walter if you're stupid enough to stand there with your pants down,let me tell you one thing.Our guests have arrived.
Florida Evans: I think I owe you all an apology.If I had known the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down,I would have done a better job by pressing his shorts.

Walter Findlay: I am sick and tired of your attitude Maude.You wanna wear the pants in this family,be my guest. pulls his pants down
Maude Findlay: Walter if you're stupid enough to stand there with your pants down,let me tell you one thing.Our guests have arrived.
Florida Evans: to guests I think I owe you all an apology.If I had known the husband of the year was gonna take his pants down,I would have done a better job of pressing his shorts.

"Maude: Maude Meets Florida (#1.3)" (1972)
Maude Findlay: The thing that we have to get straight right off the bat is that in this household we are all on a first name basis. I mean, even my daughter calls me Maude. Now what's your first name?
Florida Evans: Florida.
Maude Findlay: Florida. Oh, you were named after the state.
Florida Evans: No, I was named after my aunt.
Maude Findlay: Oh, and she was named after the state?
Florida Evans: No, she was named after her mother.
Maude Findlay: Oh, her mother...
Florida Evans: Was named after an orange.
Florida Evans: You see, they was picking them down there and she went into labor right in the orange grove; had the baby ten minutes later. They was either gonna call her Florida or Sunkist. Now you know the whole story.
Maude Findlay: Fascinating. Fascinating. I mean, the things that come out of your culture are so, so rich, so juicy.
Florida Evans: Mmm, mmm. I got one about an apple I'll tell you sometime.

Florida Evans: [During Florida's interview for the maid job] Now, the first week'll be on a trial basis.
Maude Findlay: Oh, Florida, don't be ridiculous, you're not on trial.
Florida Evans: I know - you are.

Maude Findlay: I want you to consider this your home.
Florida Evans: I got a home.
Maude Findlay: You can say that again.

"Maude: Maude's Reunion (#5.18)" (1977)
Vivian Cavender Harmon: [revealing her gift to Maude] This is the New York Times Maude, from the day you were born.
Maude Findlay: [pushing the paper away] Oh, isn't that nice.
Vivian Cavender Harmon: Look, look at it. Here, look.
[reading some of the details]
Vivian Cavender Harmon: Calvin Coolidge was president.
Maude Findlay: [laughing uncomfortably] Calvin Coolidge.
Vivian Cavender Harmon: Rudyard Kipling has written new book!
Maude Findlay: [becoming irritated] NEW book!
Vivian Cavender Harmon: Sirloin steak, twelve cents a pound! You know that this is over HALF A CENTURY old! I mean this is an antique! Look at it. It's all yellow and cracked...
Maude Findlay: [snapping] VIVIAN!

Carol Traynor: Oh mother, listen to this. The day you were born, Vitaphone Studios signed Al Jolson for the first talking picture.
Maude Findlay: Oh my God, I was saying 'Mammy' three years before Al Jolson. I am old, I'm old, I am old. Olde. O-L-D-E. That's how old.

"Maude: The Grass Story (#1.12)" (1972)
Dr. Arthur Harmon: [to Maude] What's this great romance you have going on with Marijuana?
Maude Findlay: Look Arthur, I smoke as much grass as you do... none.
Carol Tranior: Arthur, you've got some nerve, condemning Harold Collins when you're standing here dispensing drugs as if they're going out of style, and on top of it, you're hung over from drinking.

Maude Findlay: Listen darling, I'm so sorry I'm so edgy, but i'm exhausted. I was so nervous about this morning that I didn't sleep a wink last night.
Walter Findlay: Well why didn't you take something, like a couple of Seconals?
Maude Findlay: We're out of Seconals, but I did take two Chloral Hydrates and a Librium and they didn't work.
Walter Findlay: Well I took two Miltown and a Doriden and I slept like a lamb.
Maude Findlay: ...and snored like a moose. No, I should've taken two Meprobromates with a Nembutal instead of the two Chloral Hydrates with the Librium.

"Maude: The New Housekeeper (#3.4)" (1974)
Carol Traynor: [Mrs. Naugatuck is cleaning the house while singing] Listen to her. She's the perfect housekeeper. Sings like a bird and works like a horse.
Walter Findlay: Which is quite an improvement over your mother who works like a bird and sings like a horse.
Maude Findlay: [Screaming from upstairs] GOD'LL GET YOU FOR THAT WALTER!
Walter Findlay: And has ears like a rabbit.

Walter Findlay: [Enters the kitchen, where Maude and Mrs. Naugatuck are arguing] Maude, SIT!
Maude Findlay: [Maude obeys and sits like a dog]
Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: [Mrs. Naugatuck continues to shout]
Walter Findlay: Mrs. Naugatuck, SIT!
Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: [She obeys and sits like a dog]

"Maude: Walter's Crisis: Part 3 (#5.6)" (1976)
Maude Findlay: Do you remember that-that joke about the motorist who was changing a tire outside the mental hospital?
Walter Findlay: No.
Maude Findlay: Well, this motorist was changing a tire outside a mental hospital and he took off three of the bolts and they rolled right down into a sewer drain and the man stood there and he goes, "Oh, good lord! What am I going to do now?" when suddenly, an inmate from the other side of the fence said, "Hey, mister, why don't you take one bolt from each of the other three wheels?" Well, the guy was amazed, you know? He said-he said, "Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing in a mental hospital?" So the inmate said, "Well, I'm here because I'm crazy, not stupid."

"Maude: Florida's Problem (#1.18)" (1973)
Henry Evans: I'm coming back at 9:00, and I mean 9:00 WPT.
[he leaves]
Maude Findlay: Florida, what's "WPT"?
Florida Evans: White People Time. If he didn't mean 9:00 sharp he would have said CPT. That's Colored People Time. Which means 'shuffle on in when you feel like it'.
Maude Findlay: Of all the male chauvinist pigs. I mean, he's something straight out of the dark ages. Nothing racial intended.

"Maude: Maude's Problem (#1.1)" (1972)
Dr. Arthur Harmon: [Looking at Maude's black eye] If the "Our Gang" comedies ever come back, you could be the dog.
Maude Findlay: And if Mister Ed ever comes back, there'd be a part for you. I'm not talking about the part that talks.

"Maude: The New Maid (#5.24)" (1977)
Maude Findlay: [Victoria is trying to assure Maude of her credentials for the job of maid to Maude, who is resisting in spite of the fact that she has just placed a request with a local agency specifically for black candidates for the job] I mean, we have all these people coming over from the agency...
Walter Findlay: - No, we don't, the agency called: they're out of blacks - ever since 'Roots'. But they're running a special on Filipinos.

"Maude: Mrs. Naugatuck's Wedding (#5.10)" (1976)
Walter Findlay: Maude, will you just stay out of this? Just face the facts. They're not going to get married because Mrs. Naugatuck is being too unreasonable.
Maude Findlay: Mrs. Naugatuck is being unreasonable?
Walter Findlay: Sure, she won't change her name.
Maude Findlay: Walter, any woman with a sense of independence, with an ounce of pride would want to keep her maiden name.
Maude Findlay: Then whey didn't you keep your maiden name when we got married?
Maude Findlay: By that time I couldn't remember it!

"Maude: Phillip's Problem (#2.23)" (1974)
Maude Findlay: Walter, if you lay one hand on that kid then all your friends will be dressed in black and driving with their lights on.

"Maude: Maude's New Client (#6.12)" (1978)
Dr. Arthur Harmon: I hear when a mob moves into a neighborhood it becomes very safe. You see people walking the streets all hours.
Maude Findlay: Of course they're walking, they're terrified of starting their cars!

"Maude: Arthur's New Best Friend (#5.21)" (1977)
Hubie Binder: Hey, Stop them, they're fighting!
Maude Findlay: No, don't worry about it, Hubie, that's the way friends behave.
Hubie Binder: Really? Walter's never punched me.
Maude Findlay: He's come very close.

"Maude: Walter's Heart Attack (#3.3)" (1974)
Maude Findlay: [Walter admits that he faked being ill] Oh, Walter, I'm the happiest woman in the world!
[She gets up, hugs him and says through clenched teeth]
Maude Findlay: You son... of... a... bitch!

"Maude: The Emergence of Vivian (#3.18)" (1975)
Vivian Cavender Harmon: No Arthur, not A cow, COW.
Maude Findlay: COW, Congress Of Women, COW.
Dr. Arthur Harmon: Well I must say, it's named appropriately.
Maude Findlay: I know Arthur, we formed COW to get equal rights from its male counterpart...
Maude Findlay: Bull.

"Maude: Walter's Problem: Part 2 (#2.2)" (1973)
Maude Findlay: Honey, you're not going to believe this. But Walter got drunk last night and hit me. Isn't that marvelous?