Michael 'Meathead' Stivic
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Quotes for
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic (Character)
from "All in the Family" (1971)

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"All in the Family: Archie Eats and Runs (#4.21)" (1974)
Mike Stivic: You can't go to the hospital, you're sick.

Mike Stivic: [Dialing the phone] What else? You only gave me six numbers.
Gloria Stivic: No, I gave you seven numbers.
Mike Stivic: One of those numbers was a sneeze. Do you see a sneeze on this dial?

Mike Stivic: Arch, you still need evidence.
Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? Look at all they put me through: look at the way I hurt all over. What about the sworn "testaphony" of your mother in-law, there? That's evidence, Buddy, we got a case and let me tell you something, a case like that could be worth 20, 25, 50 grand. I'm gonna make them mushroom people put their mouth where their money is.

Archie Bunker: Just like that Ralph Nader, you're giving the whole country a pain in the butt.
Mike Stivic: Arch, you ought to be grateful for Ralph Nader. Do you realize that before 1968 there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective? But in 1972 there were nearly eight million cars recalled?
Archie Bunker: And do you realize that in 1974: who cares?

Archie Bunker: Do you know how many brands of mushrooms are sold all over this here country?
Edith Bunker: Oh, thousands.
Archie Bunker: Alright, and how many cans do you think are bought?
Edith Bunker: Millions.
Archie Bunker: So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it? 100 to one.
Mike Stivic: What is that? The new math?

Mike Stivic: Now take it easy, don't panic.
Archie Bunker: Will you stay out of this? Now take it easy, don't panic.

Mike Stivic: I think we should check the cans and see what brand they were.
Archie Bunker: Why don't you stay out of this? Edith, we gotta check the cans and see what brand they were.

Archie Bunker: The bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory.
Mike Stivic: How are they going to do that?
Archie Bunker: What do you mean how? Ain't you never heard of the olden days in the days of kings? The king used to have a special cook to taste the food. The cook dropped down dead, the king said, "See?" Then the king went back in the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself.


"All in the Family: Edith's 50th Birthday (#8.5)" (1977)
[Mike and Archie search the house for a rapist]
Archie: Search the closet.
Mike Stivic: [Knocks on closet door] There's nobody in there.
Archie: What the hell did you expect him to say, "Entre-vous?"

Archie Bunker: Are you all right in there?
Mike Stivic: Yeah, I just slipped on some cake. Hey, the cake tastes burnt.

Edith: [Mike and Archie are going to check the house for the rapist] HE'S GOT A GUN!
[both men slam the door]
Archie: This is why every citizen should have a loaded gun in his house you big mouthed liberal you!
Mike Stivic: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU I DON'T BELIEVE IN VIOLENCE?
[picks up baseball bat]
Archie: What're you going to do with that? BUNT him off the premises?

Archie Bunker: He tried to
[mouths the word 'rape']
Archie Bunker: her.
Mike Stivic: HE TRIED TO RAPE HER?
Archie Bunker: DON'T SAY BAD THINGS IN WORDS!

Mike Stivic: Arch! All you're worried about is that when you walk down the street people are going to say 'There goes Archie Bunker, you know his wife was RAPED'.
Archie Bunker: DON'T HOLLER THE WORD 'RAPE'! It ain't that at all and besides she wasn't THAT.
Mike Stivic: Alright, but Ma was attacked! We have to DO something!

Mike Stivic: [the cops grab Archie thinking he's the rapist] You got the wrong guy! The guy we're looking for is good looking!
Archie: AW SHUT UP!

Archie: We ought to forget the whole thing officers, it's a false alarm anyway, as you can see, everything is just peaches and beans.
Mike Stivic: Wait a second! There was a crime committed here, will you stop worrying what people will think?
Archie: I ain't worried about that, what I'm worried about is that this could come up before a judge in some court, and one of them guys will turn the whole thing around and make believe it's the woman's fault. What do you say to that, officers?
Cop: We just lock them up, we don't try them.
Archie: Oh well now there you go, Meathead, case closed.


"All in the Family: Mike and Gloria Split (#7.23)" (1977)
[Mike has climbed into bed with Archie and accidentally spilled water on him]
Archie: You got into bed with me to do this here?
Mike Stivic: It was an accident.
Archie: With Little Joey it's an accident. With you, it's a dishonorable discharge.

Mike Stivic: Arch, what did your Cousin Oscar die of?
Archie: I think he died of bad feet.
Mike Stivic: Nobody dies of bad feet.
Archie: I dunno, he was always complaining that his feet were killing him, so...

Mike Stivic: I'm sorry to get you out of bed.
Edith Bunker: Oh that's all right, we was only sleeping.

Mike Stivic: Gloria said I ruined her life.
Archie Bunker: I told her the same thing seven years ago.

Mike Stivic: You were right, Honey, I am a meathead. Not only that, I'm a pompous ass.

Mike Stivic: Your spelling is atrocious.
Gloria Stivic: Atrocious?
Mike Stivic: Yeah, can you spell that?
Gloria Stivic: Atrocious. M-E-A-T-H-E-A-D. Atrocious.


"All in the Family: Archie Gives Blood (#1.4)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: [Seeing a Chinese man at the blood bank] They're a yellow race.
Mike Stivic: And so naturally they've got yellow blood? Look there's an Irish man with green blood. Hey look over there, there's Governor Rockefeller.
Archie Bunker: Where?
Mike Stivic: There, the guy with the blue blood.

Archie Bunker: Well, if all blood's the same, let me ask you this: how come they ain't got no Swedes in the mafia?
Mike Stivic: What does that got to do with anything?
Archie Bunker: Because your Italians got a lock on it, that's why! It's in their blood. Same way it's in your blacks' blood to do the "scooby-dooby-doo."

Archie Bunker: Some of those doctors are beginning to look at us as if we was all a collection of spare parts.
Gloria Stivic: C'mon, Daddy, don't get paranoid about it. Medicine is still dedicated to keeping us alive.
Archie Bunker: All right, but not against His will.
[Points skyward]
Mike Stivic: What does 'His will' got to do with it?
Archie Bunker: I ain't talkin' to you, you're an atheist!
Mike Stivic: Oh, wait a second. We're talkin' about modern medicine here. We're talkin' about doctors keeping us alive. Now how did He get into it?
Archie Bunker: He was never out of it, buddy boy. Life and death is His business. And you gotta go when He calls.
Gloria Stivic: Unless modern medicine saves you.
Archie Bunker: It can't.
Mike Stivic: Whaddaya mean it can't? It happens all the time.
Archie Bunker: That's when He wasn't really calling. But when He really calls, you gotta go. And He don't want no quack doctors down here putting other hearts in you to keep you here against His will. Throws His schedule all off. You throw His schedule off and you're gonna have to answer for it when you get up there.
Mike Stivic: Where?
Archie Bunker: Heaven, wise guy! You knew damn well what I was talkin' about - Heaven! When you get up there He's gonna want to know from you, why you didn't come when you was called. Why you was late.
Mike Stivic: You really believe that?
Archie Bunker: I certainly do!

Archie: They put a woman's heart in a man's body.
Mike Stivic: So?
Archie: So, it's hard enough for a man and woman to live together in the same house, never mind the same body.

Archie Bunker: [Playing Monopoly] Y'know out in the real world you don't go to your competition for no advice.
Mike Stivic: It's not out in the real world; it's only a game.
Archie Bunker: So is life a game, buddy boy. Whether you play the game in here or play it out there, ya gotta play it to win, right?
Edith: Where did we hear that, Archie? Was it on "Mannix" or "The Bold Ones"?


"All in the Family: California, Here We Are (#9.12)" (1978)
Mike Stivic: [to Gloria] You know, ever since we got separated, you got fat.

Edith: Mike, how did you hurt your back?
Mike Stivic: Lifting a hibachi.
Archie: What a dope, you lifed a motorcycle?

Gloria: My parents gave us five years of happiness in their house.
Mike Stivic: Those were the worst five years of my life.
Gloria: Those were the first five years we were married.
Mike Stivic: Bingo.

Mike Stivic: Nice to see you, Arch.
Archie: Yeah well, nice to see you too, Michael.
Mike Stivic: You called me Michael.
Archie: What the hell, it's Christmas.

Mike Stivic: How was your trip?
Stephanie: I threw up twice.
Mike Stivic: Rough plane ride, huh?
Stephanie: I threw up in Gloria's car.


"All in the Family: Two's a Crowd (#8.19)" (1978)
Mike Stivic: Did you ever think that possibly your father just might be wrong?
Archie Bunker: My old man? Don't be stupid. My old man? Let me tell you, he was never wrong about nothing.
Mike Stivic: Yes he was, Arch. My old man used to call people the same things as your old man. But I knew he was wrong. So is your old man.
Archie Bunker: Don't tell me my father was wrong. Let me tell you something, a father who made you is wrong? A father, the breadwinner of the house there? The man who goes out and busts his butt to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back you call him wrong? Father, that's the man that comes home, bringing you candy. Father is the first guy to throw a baseball to you. And take you for walks in the park holding you by the hand? My father held me by the hand, hey, my father had a hand on him though I tell you. He busted that hand once, and he busted the other on me to teach me to do good. My father, he shoved my in a closet for seven hours to teach me to do good, 'cause he loved me. Don't be looking at me. Let me tell you something, you're supposed to love your father 'cause your father loves you. How can any man who loves you tell you anything that's wrong?

Archie Bunker: You don't trust nobody out there except your own kind. You remember that, Meathead.
Mike Stivic: That's another thing. Meathead. Why must you always call me Meathead?
Archie Bunker: What the hell... Why does that bother you? I'll bet I wasn't the first to call you 'Meathead'.
Mike Stivic: You were the only one to ever call me Meathead. They never called me that in school. They called me Michael or Mike, or Mickey.
Archie Bunker: Well, what a sweet little school you went to there.

Mike Stivic: What did they call you in school?
Archie: Different things.
Mike Stivic: Tell me, what did they call you in school?
Archie: Well, I remember one winter during the Depression when we didn't have any money because my father lost his job, we was all bust. And I wore out a shoe. One shoe. So I couldn't go to school with only one shoe. But my mother found a boot, so I had a shoe on one foot there and a boot on the other. A shoe and a boot. So the kids call me 'Shoebootie'.
Mike Stivic: They used to call you 'Shoebootie', huh?
[laughs]
Archie: They used to holler, "Tutti fruitti, here comes Shoebootie." They called me that until they learned my name was Archibald and they thought that was funny. And then I wished they'd go back to 'Shoebootie'.

Mike Stivic: Good night, Shoebootie.

[Mike has just injured himself, trying to break down the door of the store room at Archie's Place]
Archie Bunker: If I wasn't so mad at you, I'd laugh like hell.
Mike Stivic: Well, I am not the one who left the key on the other side of the door.
Archie Bunker: Well, I am not the one who slammed and locked the door with the key on the other side.
Mike Stivic: I am not the one who didn't say, "Don't close the door! The key is on the other side!"
Archie Bunker: I am not the one who sponged off of me for five years and didn't earn nothing but the name of Meathead!
Mike Stivic: I AM NOT THE ONE WHO SITS AND WATCHES KOREAN MIDGETS WRESTLING ON CHANNEL 5 AND THINKS IT'S EDUCATIONAL TV!
Archie Bunker: I AM NOT THE ONE THAT SITS IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION SET FOR A WHOLE HOUR STARING AT THE SAME ORCHESTRA!
Mike Stivic: I LIKE SYMPHONIES!
Archie Bunker: IF YOU LIKE SYMPHONIES, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!
[Archie blows a raspberry and waves his fingers like a conductor]
Archie Bunker: You dumbbell!


"All in the Family: Flashback: Mike Meets Archie (#2.5)" (1971)
Archie: I ain't gonna eat this food with these Chink pick-up sticks.
Mike Stivic: How can you say that, Arch? With one word you attack an entire race of people and not just the Chinese, the Laotians, the Cambodians, the Vietnamese.
Archie: Wait a minute, Meathead, I never call them countries Chinks.
Edith: He calls them Gooks.
Archie: I'm saying they're all a yellow race. They ain't exactly Chinks, but they are definitely offshoots of your Chinks, they're what you call Chinkish.

Mike Stivic: So you must be Mr. Bunker.
Archie Bunker: You figured that out, huh?

Archie: Let me tell you something, Mister Stivic. You are a Meathead.
Mike Stivic: What did you call me?
Archie: A Meathead. Dead from the neck up. Meat - Head.

Mike Stivic: Y'know something, Mr. Bunker, at first thought I misjudged you. And I was right, I did misjudge you. You're a lot more ignorant than I thought.
Archie: What are you saying, ignorant. Did you hear what he called me, ignorant? Well, let me tell you something. Sticks and stones my break my bones. but you are one dumb Polack!


"All in the Family: Edith's Accident (#2.7)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: All right, Meathead. Go up and get your tape recorder.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What are you going to do, start playing Attorney General?
Archie Bunker: Don't argue with me, huh? Just get the tape recorder.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Are you going to tell this man you're taping his conversation?
Archie Bunker: Does J. Edgar Hoover tell anybody?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: If you don't tell him you're taping him, you're depriving him of his civil rights.
Archie Bunker: He ain't colored, he's Polish!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, you're violating his rights under the First Amendment.
Archie Bunker: Whose side are you on anyhow, huh? Look at me, I know I got a lot going against me, I'm white, I'm Protestant, I'm hard-working. Can't you find one lousy amendment to protect me?

[Archie opens the door to the person whose car Edith dented, only to find he is a Catholic priest]
Father Majeski: I'm John Majeski.
Archie Bunker: You're kidding.
Father Majeski: No, no, I'm Father John Majeski. May I come in?
Archie Bunker: Yeah, yeah, yeah, come in, Father, sure. I'd like you to meet my family, there, that's my wife Edith, here, that's my daughter Gloria, here. And that's my son-in-law Mike Stivic over here.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Still want the tape recorder, Arch?
Archie Bunker: Dummy up, you.

Archie Bunker: I think we're in luck. This guy is a phony.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: How do you know that?
Archie Bunker: Don't you ever read the papers? About all them unflocked priests running around? This priest here ain't kosher, and he never was!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: How do you know?
Archie Bunker: Did you see the lousy-looking suit he's wearing there?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: So what, Arch? Maybe it's the only suit he owns.
Archie Bunker: Are you kidding? The Catholic Church owns half of the property in New York, including some of your finest clothing stores.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, if you have your doubts, why don't you just ask him for his credentials?
Archie Bunker: Come on, how the hell you gonna do that?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Simple. You just walk up to him, and say, "Father, can I see your cross?"

Edith Bunker: What's wrong, Archie?
Mike Stivic: It's just indigestion. It comes from eating his own words.


"All in the Family: Archie Learns His Lesson (#3.22)" (1973)
[Edith, Michael and Gloria are eating at the dinner table; Michael sighs]
Edith Bunker: What's the matter, Mike?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I don't know. Something's missing.
Edith Bunker: Not enough salt?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Not enough Archie. It's too quiet around here.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Michael, don't tell me you like arguing with Daddy.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I didn't say I like it, it's just I'm used to it. My body's used to it. When Archie's here, I eat better.
Edith Bunker: Well don't worry, Mike, he's only working overtime tonight. Tomorrow he'll be home at his regular time, and I'm sure he'll get in a nice argument with you.

Edith Bunker: I'll never forget the first time I made pot roast for your father. Only he wasn't your father then, we was just keeping company. I invited him to my house for dinner and I made him pot roast. And that was the first time he ever called me "dingbat."
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well that's awful, even if he didn't like your cooking.
Edith Bunker: Oh, no, he loved it.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Then why'd he call you "dingbat"?
Edith Bunker: Well in them days, Archie was too shy to call me "sweetheart" or "darling," so he called me "his little dingbat."
[Smiling sweetly]
Edith Bunker: And you know what, ever since then, no matter how mad he says "dingbat," I always hear a little "sweetheart" in it.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Arch, when you were talking with Ma the other day about Manifest Destiny, did you mention the fact it was just another name for American imperialism?
Archie Bunker: Hah?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: That's right. It was just an excuse to rip off other people's land. That's the way we stole Texas from Mexico.
Archie Bunker: [Points his finger at Michael] Listen, Subversive. The U S of A never stole nothin' from nobody. The Mexicans was only too glad to give us Texas after we beat the hell out of 'em in a war.

Archie Bunker: The Indians don't vote.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, the Indians were given the vote in 1924.
Archie Bunker: I ain't talking about that, I'm saying they don't use their vote, like a fellow told me. They sell all their horses for booze and then they can't ride into town.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: That is the *stupidest* thing I've ever heard.


"All in the Family: Meet the Bunkers (#1.1)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: Now wait a minute, Meathead, you said that, not me. I never said your black beauties was lazy. It's just their systems is geared a little slower than the rest of us.
Mike Stivic: Archie...
Archie Bunker: You don't believe me, look it up.
Gloria Stivic: He's prejudiced, there's no hope for him. No hope at all.
Archie Bunker: I'm not prejudiced, any man deserves my respect and he's gonna get it irregardless of his color.
Mike Stivic: Then what are you calling them names like black beauties for?
Archie Bunker: Now that's where I got you, mister liberal, because there's a black guy who works down at the building with me, he's got a bumper sticker on his car that says 'Black is Beautiful', huh, so what's the matter with black beauties?
Edith Bunker: It's nicer than when he called them coons.

Archie Bunker: If your spics and your spades want their rightful share of the American dream, let 'em get out there and hustle for it like I done.
Mike Stivic: So now you're going to tell me the black man has just as must chance as the white man to get a job?
Archie Bunker: More, he has more... I didn't have no million people marchin' and protestin' to get me my job.
Edith Bunker: No, his uncle got it for him.

Archie Bunker: I used to know a whole flock of them coloreds in the old neighborhood. One went by the name of Roundtree Cummerbatch.
Mike Stivic: You never knew anybody by that name. You made it up.
Archie Bunker: I made up a name like Roundtree Cummerbatch?
Mike Stivic: That's right, you made it up to put down a black man.

Edith Bunker: I think he's right, Archie. Like, you haven't said the word "Coon" in almost a year.
Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? I say it everyday.
Mike Stivic: You haven't said it in front of us.
Archie Bunker: Alright then: Coon! Coon! Coon! You wanted it, you got it.


"All in the Family: Edith's Problem (#2.15)" (1972)
[Edith is going through menopause, and Archie is planning a trip]
Edith Bunker: I wanna talk about where we're going.
Archie Bunker: Well, that's fine, there, Edith. If you want to talk about Florida, let's talk about Florida. And by the way, we ain't confirmed about going there yet.
Edith Bunker: No, no, no! Not Florida! I want to go to Scranton.
Archie Bunker: Scranton? Edith, uh, what is in Scranton?
Edith Bunker: My cousin Emily.
Archie Bunker: Your cousin Emily?
Edith Bunker: You hate Emily!
Archie Bunker: No, no, no, no, I don't, Edith. I don't hate Emily. I never said that, I never said that at all. No, I like her, and I like their little home in Scranton, there, and those four cute teenagers. I think her husband is a real nice guy, and I, I can't say that... I can't go on like this, that's one thing I can't do! I can't believe a word of anything I'm saying around here! This ain't natural! No, I don't like her, and I don't like her husband! He's a bum, and he always was, and she's a crank, and she always was! And I hate their four rotten kids! And the only way you're gettin' me to go to Scranton is if some screwball hijacks the airplane! I know all about your women's troubles there, Edith, but when I had the hernia that time I didn't make you wear the truss!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Come on, Archie!
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy!
Archie Bunker: No, no, no, Edith! If you're gonna have the change of life, you gotta do it right now! I'm gonna give you just thirty seconds. Now, come on, change!

Mike Stivic: [Edith is going through menopause] What did the doctor say?
Archie Bunker: He just said that menopause is a pretty tough time to be going through; especially for nervous types.
Mike Stivic: So?
Archie Bunker: So he prescribed these here pills.
[takes bottle of pills out of paper bag]
Mike Stivic: Oh, good.
Archie Bunker: I gotta take three of 'em a day.

Mike Stivic: Hey it just occurred to me, Mickey Mouse is black.
Archie Bunker: Mickey Mouse ain't got no race. He represents all men.
Mike Stivic: Oh, I guess that's why Walt made him a mouse.

[Archie and Edith are planning a trip to Disney World]
Mike Stivic: You know it just occurred to me - Mickey Mouse is black.
Archie Bunker: Aww get out of here with that! Mickey Mouse has no race. He stands for all men.


"All in the Family: Archie the Hero (#6.4)" (1975)
Mike Stivic: [Archie had saved the life of a female impersonator, unbeknownst to him] If you had known he was a man, what would you have done?
Archie Bunker: I suppose I would've got a fag fireman.

Mike Stivic: You'd be surprised how many married guys with kids are transvestites.
Archie Bunker: How is it you know so much about these things? Let me see your underwear.

Archie Bunker: Oh, Edith, you're lookin' at a hero. What I done in my cab tonight you'll never guess.
Mike Stivic: You picked up a Puerto Rican.
Archie Bunker: I said I was a hero, not a daredevil.


"All in the Family: Edith Has Jury Duty (#1.9)" (1971)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Do you believe in capital punishment, Ma?
Edith Bunker: Well, yeah, I guess so.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Mother!
Edith Bunker: Well, so long as it ain't too severe.

Archie Bunker: Let me just ask you something, Professor, you who don't believe in capital punishment: Suppose you was to come home some fine day and find your wife's throat cut. Now are you gonna tell me you wouldn't be itching to fry the guy who cut that throat?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: No, what good would that do?
Archie Bunker: [to Gloria] Do you see this guy? You see what you married? Some fiend could come in here and murder you and he ain't gonna lift a finger to help!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, if I killed that murderer, would that bring Gloria back? No. An eye for an eye is not the answer. The problem rests with society.
Archie Bunker: He's always blaming everything on society! Listen, if you're gonna blame society for murder, what we ought to do is turn the killer loose, give him a pension for life, and go out and shoot the rest of the city!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I wanna ask you something, Archie. You mean to tell me you're not the least bit interested when your wife is sitting on one of the hottest murder trials in the country?
Archie Bunker: Oh, what's so hot about it? There's far better murders on the late show.


"All in the Family: The Joys of Sex (#7.20)" (1977)
Archie Bunker: [Mike's stammering] Listen to this guy "UUHH UUHH" he sounds like a seal with his throat cut. Come on, spit it out.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Well lately there hasn't been much blushing in this family and I don't mean me and Gloria. Figure it out. I'm so embarrassed!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, the best thing for a person to when they're having a problem is to talk it over with the person they're having the problem with. Can't you talk to daddy?
Edith Bunker: I can't talk to your father about it, he won't listen. I can't do it.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You listen to me. If you can't talk to him about him about it, who can?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [cut to Mike in his house] Not me!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I don't know what you want, I don't even know what the problem is.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well, neither do I.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Look, Gloria, just because Ma is reading a book about sex doesn't mean they're having a problem.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well they will if she starts taking advice from that trashy book. It tells wives to greet their husbands at the door wearing nothing but a garter belt and a dry martini.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [interested] Where is this book?


"All in the Family: Fire (#7.22)" (1977)
Archie Bunker: Do you know how to swim?
Mike Stivic: Yeah.
Archie Bunker: Then why don't you go take a flying leap into the middle of Lake Polack?

[Archie is spreading smoke around the room]
Mike Stivic: What are you doing?
Archie Bunker: Did you ever hear of smoke damage?
Mike Stivic: Did you ever hear of fraud?
Archie Bunker: Did you ever hear of getting lucky?
Mike Stivic: Did you ever hear of going to jail?
Archie Bunker: Did you ever hear of shut up.

Mike Stivic: Ask him if he sells dinosaur insurance.


"All in the Family: Archie and the Editorial (#3.1)" (1972)
[Archie is delivering en editorial on a local TV station]
Archie Bunker: [on TV] Good evening, everybody. This here is Archie Bunker of 704 Hauser Street, veteran of the big war, speaking on behalf of guns for everybody. Now, question: what was the first thing that the Communists done when they took over Russia? Answer: gun control. And there's a lot of people in this country want to do the same thing to us here in a kind of conspiracy, see. You take your big international bankers, they want to - whaddya call - masticate the people of this here nation like puppets on the wing, and then when they get their guns, turn us over to the Commies.
Edith Bunker: Oh, Archie, I'm glad they put you on a stool, you look taller sitting down.
Archie Bunker: [on TV] Now I want to talk about another thing that's on everybody's minds today, and that's your stick-ups and your skyjackings, and which, if that were up to me, I could end the skyjackings tomorrow.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: You could?
Archie Bunker: [on TV] All you gotta do is arm all your passengers. He ain't got no more moral superiority there, and he ain't gonna dare to pull out no rod. And then your airlines, they wouldn't have to search the passengers on the ground no more, they just pass out the pistols at the beginning of the trip, and they just pick them up at the end! Case closed.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: That's incredible, Arch.

[Archie and Mike are arguing about gun control]
Archie Bunker: All I know is, I'm an American and it's my right to pack a rod!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Bull!
Archie Bunker: Whaddya mean, bull to the constitution?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: It doesn't say that in the constitution, Arch, I'll prove it to you! I got a copy in my history book!
Archie Bunker: Look it up! It's right there in your Second Amendment!
Edith Bunker: Oh, no, Archie, that's the one that says "thou shalt not make any graven image."
Archie Bunker: That ain't the Constitution Edith. What you says is the Gettysburg Address.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, how can you be against gun control with all the assassinations? Look at it, the Kennedys and Martin Luther King. And what about the shooting of Governor Wallace?
Archie Bunker: I'm saying maybe Governor Wallace wouldn't have gotten shot if he had a rod in his mitt!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What?
Archie Bunker: Because the Governor was there, he coulda shot first!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, what would he be doing walking around in a crowd with a gun?
Archie Bunker: What was the other bum doing in the crowd with the gun?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: That's ridiculous, Archie! You're talking about a human being who may be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
Archie Bunker: Yes, and if that human being had a rod, then the other human being would be in the wheelchair!


"All in the Family: Edith's 50th Birthday (#8.4)" (1977)
Mike Stivic: [Joey's goldfish died in the punch bowl] Arch, this thing stinks. Can't you go home and get your bowl?
[Archie and Mike push the bowl towards one another, causing it to fall to the ground and break]
Mike Stivic, Archie Bunker: Why did you do that? You did it. You did it! YOU did it! YOU DID IT!
Archie Bunker: Get away from me, you Meathead you! Now I gotta go home and make up some excuse to get my OWN punch bowl from my OWN house.
Mike Stivic, Archie Bunker: Dope.

Mike Stivic: Arch, did you get Ma a gift?
Archie Bunker: Certainly I got her a gift. She's my wife, ain't she?
[to Gloria]
Archie Bunker: ... What did I get her, little girl?

Gloria Stivic: Don't forget to bring your punchbowl.
Archie: Waaaaait a minute, wait a minute, wait - you got a punchbowl of your own, I got one for your anniversary. Set me back $11!
Mike Stivic: Yeah, uh... we used it for Joey's goldfish.
Archie: [incredulous] For a goldfish? You got a 10-cent fish livin' in an $11 bowl? That's like YOU, livin' at the Waldorf.
Mike Stivic: [angrily] Lemme tell you something...
Archie: All right, hurry up.
Mike Stivic: Why must you always...
Archie: I CAN'T WAIT.
[slams the door in Meathead's face, walks away]


"All in the Family: Archie's Bitter Pill (#8.8)" (1977)
[after Archie stuffs his breakfast into his pockets and leaves]
Mike Stivic: That man is on something.
Gloria: Bananas.
Edith: He's on bananas?

Mike Stivic: Arch, let me help you close up.
Archie Bunker: No. To close up is to close down, to close down is to go out of business. Never close, stay open all the time.

Archie: Business ain't too, what-do-you-call, quick on Friday nights.
Mike Stivic: Why is that?
Archie: Uh, nobody knows.


"All in the Family: The Battle of the Month (#3.24)" (1973)
Edith Bunker: [Edith has just broken up a fight between Mike and Gloria] When I was a little girl, my mother and father got into a terrible fight that started just because there wasn't enough maple syrup for my father's pancakes.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Ma, what we're arguing about is a little more important than maple syrup.
Edith Bunker: Just a minute! I ain't finished! They didn't talk to each other for three whole weeks! And even after they made up things was never the same between them. So before you two start saying things to each other that you'll never take back, stop, and think how much you really mean to each other. Now I know that maple syrup is just a little thing, but would you rather break up over something bigger?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Now, we're going to get to the bottom of this. We're not going to sleep. You tell me WHY you got into a fight with your mother.
Gloria Stivic: Because I love her.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What?
Gloria Stivic: I felt I had to tell her the truth about herself.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Oh, and because of that, now she's not speaking to you?
Gloria Stivic: [mockingly] Yeeeessss.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [rolls his eyes] Oh, COME ON, Gloria. What are you trying to tell me? I know your mother; I've been living with her for over two years. She's a marvelous woman.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic, Gloria Stivic: [angrily] Are you saying I'm NOT?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: No! No! I'm not saying that. But, uhhhh...
Gloria Stivic: [mocks him] "But-uhhhh"... what?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: But... uhhhh...
Gloria Stivic: "But-uhhhh"-what... but... what... BUT... WHAT?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: BUT you're not like your mother!
Gloria Stivic: Well, thank God for THAT!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: You're like your father.
Gloria Stivic: [shouts] WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [storms into Archie's bedroom] You!
Archie Bunker: What?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: You!
Archie Bunker: What?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: ...GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[storms out]
Archie Bunker: [turns to Edith] He made more sense when he was coming through the glass.


"All in the Family: Gloria Has a Belly Full (#1.6)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: How do youse people manage to store things in them tiny bathrooms?
Lionel Jefferson: Well, we have this little cabinet under the table and we shove our things into it. So, Mr. Bunker, why don't you shove yours.
[Exits]
Archie Bunker: You know, a guy could take that two ways.
Mike Stivic: Knowing Lionel, I'm sure he only meant it one way.

Archie Bunker: I been thinking this whole thing over, and you can't leave. 'Cause you can't go to school at night, work at the same time, pay for an apartment, support a wife and a baby, see? Now to begin with, you ain't got the brains. The boy didn't even have the brains to keep himself from getting pregnant.
Mike Stivic: Archie, I've been trying to tell you something. We're not pregnant anymore.
Archie Bunker: Will you let me finish? You what?
Mike Stivic: Well, we're not gonna have a baby now.
Archie Bunker: You big dumb Polack, did you do something illegal?


"All in the Family: Archie's Operation: Part 2 (#7.7)" (1976)
Mike Stivic: You got me, Ma, Gloria and Joey.
Archie Bunker: Aw geez what a bunch that is: A meathead, A dingbat, a woman's lib and a bald headed kid.

Archie Bunker: Let me tell you something else, wise guy, between Jerry Ford and Jerry Carter I know which way I'm going.
Mike Stivic: Too bad you couldn't vote for your real favorite, Jerry Reagan.


"All in the Family: The Very Moving Day (#6.1)" (1975)
Edith Bunker: [Comes up the stairs from the basement] Mike! I found some more packing boxes for you!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Ah, thanks Ma.
Archie Bunker: Aw, look at this. Hey, now you got a matching set of Polock luggage!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: When I move outta here tomorrow I'm gonna feel like a guy who just served a 5-year sentence!
Archie Bunker: Aw jeez, some tough sentence. Free room & board and sleeping with the warden's daughter!


"All in the Family: The Man in the Street (#2.11)" (1971)
[Archie was interviewed regarding Richard Nixon]
Archie Bunker: I told them how many people like me believe in President Nixon. God believes in him too.
Mike Stivic: You said that on television? "God believes in Nixon"?
Archie Bunker: Certainly. Billy Graham plays golf with him, don't he?
Mike Stivic: What does that mean?
Archie Bunker: That means God believes in Nixon.

Mike Stivic: Wait a second, Arch. Are you saying that Nixon rules because of divine right?
Archie Bunker: It's a damn sight better than your divine left.
Mike Stivic: Gee, what other gems did you come up with?


"All in the Family: George and Archie Make a Deal (#5.12)" (1974)
Archie Bunker: [to Michael] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What the hell are you doing?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh, Michael's got a new hobby, macramé. He's making me a new belt.
Edith Bunker: Ain't it pretty?
Archie Bunker: Maca-roni? What?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Macramé.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Archie glares at Michael] Don't say it.
Archie Bunker: There ain't nothin' to say, 'Florence'... Will you stop doin' that? Some friend of mine might come walkin' through the door and find out that I got a fruitcake for a son-in-law.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, there's nothing effeminate about it. Lots of men are doing hobbies like that.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Yeah, Rosey Greer does needlepoint. Would you call him a fruitcake?
Archie Bunker: There's no such thing as a colored fag.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What?
Archie Bunker: You don't believe me? Walk up to any colored guy and ask him, "Are you a fag?" Your tonsils will be wearing your mustache.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Racial balance is important in everything. Take education: why do you think it's so tough for a black student to become a doctor?
Archie Bunker: Because nobody wants to see a black guy coming at them with a knife!


"All in the Family: The Elevator Story (#2.14)" (1972)
[Archie is missing]
Mike Stivic: I'd better go over to the Friedman building and try to find him at the insurance office. Ma, can you remember the name?
Edith: [Drunk] Archie Bunker.

Mike Stivic: Ma, can you remember the name of the insurance guy?
Edith Bunker: Um... It's a German name... Hinklemeyer. That's it.
Archie Bunker: Hinklemeyer, okay.
[exits]
Gloria Stivic: Ma, are you sure that's the name?
Edith Bunker: Yeah. Hinklemeyer, that's it.
[takes sip of wine]
Edith Bunker: Or Swanson.


"All in the Family: Mike and Gloria's Will (#7.10)" (1976)
Archie Bunker: I would take will into court and have it thrown out.
Mike Stivic: On what grounds?
Archie Bunker: On the courtroom grounds under the windows.

Archie Bunker: You're supposed to be the big bug on the Constitution, right? Well the first amendment guarantees that baby the right to bear a machine gun?
Mike Stivic: The first amendment guarantees free speech.
Archie Bunker: Same thing, buddy boy. If you got a gun in your hand, you're free to make any speech you want to.


"All in the Family: The Baby Contest (#7.13)" (1976)
Mike Stivic: [to Archie] In the last election you didn't like Carter, you didn't like Ford so he wrote in Richard Nixon.

Archie Bunker: I wanna make sure I get my ten simoleons out of you when I win that bet. 'Cause your baby Linda ain't gonna win. She's too fat to win. In a few years time, she's gonna be a teenage bus.
Barney Hefner: Well all I have to say is too bad it wasn't a baldy contest.
Archie Bunker: You hear that, he's always on the baldy thing over here. You're gonna lose an old friend that way, Barney.
Mike Stivic: That's competition for you: two best friends ready to bust each other in the chops over who's got the most beautiful grandchild.
Barney Hefner: Hey, you know what just occured to me about little Joey? I mean since he's got those long, beautiful eyelashes? You should've entered him as a baldy girl.
Mike Stivic: Hey. Watch what you're saying, that's my son.


"All in the Family: Mike's Hippie Friends Come to Visit (#1.7)" (1971)
Mike Stivic: You got a hang-up about sex.
Archie: I ain't got a hang-up about... That.
Mike Stivic: See, you can't even say it.
Archie: I don't use four letter words in front of women, ya dope.
Gloria: Daddy, you shouldn't be afraid of sex.
Archie: Listen, little girl, if I was a afraid of it, you wouldn't be here. Right, Edith?

Mike Stivic: And for your further edification, calling me a Polack is not gonna bother me. I happen to be very proud of my Polish heritage.
Archie Bunker: What heritage? You come from a long line of bowling teams.
Mike Stivic: Yeah? And you come from a long line of boneheads! You think with your mind closed!
Archie Bunker: And you eat with your mouth open!
Mike Stivic: [Flummoxed] You know you are totally incomprehensible?
Archie Bunker: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.


"All in the Family: We're Having a Heat Wave (#4.1)" (1973)
Mike Stivic: Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate!
Archie Bunker: Don't say that no more, GODDAMN IT!
Edith Bunker: You shouldn't swear like that. Ever since this Watergate thing it's GD this and GD that.
Archie Bunker: That ain't swearing, GD. The first word is God. How can that be a swear word? The most popular word in the Bible. The second word, damn, that's a perfectly good word, you hear it all the time, like they dammed the river to keep it from flooding it. And you read in the Bible that some guy was damned for cheating or stealing or having "insex" in the family. And who damned him? Who else? God. God damned him. Edith, beautiful words right out of the Holy Book. Don't show your ignorance!

Mike Stivic: Why is Jefferson number 2?
Archie Bunker: Because, Meathead, there can only be one number 1 and one number 2 and life made Jefferson number 2 long before I come along.
Gloria Stivic: So then Puerto Ricans are number 3 then, huh Daddy?
Archie Bunker: Well not necissarily there, Little Girl, your Puerto Ricans can be 4. Your Japs and your Chinks can be 3 - 3A, 3B.


"All in the Family: Sammy's Visit (#2.21)" (1972)
Mike Stivic: Just a minute ago, he was the ace of spades, now he's Mr. Davis?
Archie Bunker: Because he worked himself up to be called Mr. Davis and he deserves that! Because in this great country a man like him can overcome the unequalness of his color and rise to become a great star!
Mike Stivic: Arch, what, what do you mean "unequalness"? What's the difference between our neighbor Lionel Jefferson and Sammy Davis Jr.?
Archie Bunker: Ten million dollars and five purple Cadillacs.

Archie Bunker: [to Edith] Open up a fresh box of Twinkies for Mr. Davis.
Sammy Davis Jr.: Twinkies?
Mike Stivic: Yeah, it's kind of a WASP soul food.


"All in the Family: Cousin Maude's Visit (#2.12)" (1971)
Edith Bunker: And how do you two feel this morning?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Well, my temperature's down to a hundred, but my throat still feels bad. My eyes are clearing up, but my nasal passages...
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh, who cares Michael, who cares? Do you know what he did to me? He set the alarm to wake himself up every two hours all night long so he could gargle, take his pills, wheeze on his inhaler for ten minutes. You know something Michael? When you're sick, you're sick!


"All in the Family: Christmas Day at the Bunkers' (#2.13)" (1971)
Mike Stivic: Alotta places have the same names like Portland, Maine and Portland, Oregon.
Gloria Stivic: Yeah, Birmingham, England and Birmingham, Alabama.
Edith Bunker: New York, New York.


"All in the Family: The Insurance Is Canceled (#2.10)" (1971)
Wendell: Let me make this perfectly clear.
Mike Stivic: Gee where have I heard that before?


"All in the Family: Joey's Baptism (#6.22)" (1976)
Archie Bunker: Bein' baptized makes you religious.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Oh, come on, Arch. Joey was circumcized. It doesn't make him Jewish.
Archie Bunker: No, it made him holler, though!


"All in the Family: Edith's Crisis of Faith: Part 2 (#8.14)" (1977)
[after playing a game of Karate Men]
Mike Stivic: You're a sore loser.
Archie: I am not. You reached over with your hand and knocked my Jap over.


"All in the Family: Mike's Pains (#6.5)" (1975)
Archie Bunker: [explaining to Mike that women's pain in childbirth is God's will] He said that in the Garden of Eden, when he told Eve not to eat the apple, but she et it anyhow, and the snake was there and he rattled on her. And then God ever after punished women by givin' em your, what you call, your labor pains.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: First God tells women to be fruitful and multiply, then when they do, he makes 'em suffer. That doesn't make any sense.
Archie Bunker: [irritated] It ain't supposed to make sense. It's faith, faith, don't you know that? Faith is somethin' that you believe, that nobody in his right mind would believe in.


"All in the Family: Edith the Judge (#2.22)" (1972)
Archie: I'm gonna go into town and get me a good Jew lawyer.
Mike Stivic: Do you always have to label people? Why can't you just get a lawyer. Why does it have to be a Jewish lawyer?
Archie: Because if I'm going to sue an "A-rab," I want a guy that's full o' hate!


"All in the Family: The Taxi Caper (#4.13)" (1973)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Why do you always have to talk stupid?
Archie Bunker: To make you understand!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Funny.
Archie Bunker: Let me ask you this, how come you're never on my side even when a guy holds me up?
Edith Bunker: Archie, if they catch that boy, will you have to take off work and go to court for his trial?
Archie Bunker: Certainly I will, sure I will. I'll lose a day's pay but it's worth it to see that piece of filth thrown into the jug!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Hey, hey, wait a second Arch. You're talking about a human being.
Archie Bunker: I'm talking about a creep!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: All right, I agree, he should be punished for what he did. But you don't go around calling people pieces of filth.
Archie Bunker: How about "piece of creep"?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: There you go talking stupid again.
Archie Bunker: There you go understanding me again!


"All in the Family: Gloria's Boyfriend (#4.19)" (1974)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Arch, that's a myth. Retarded people have no more of a sex drive than anybody else.
Archie Bunker: Oh yeah? Then why are you on automatic all the time?


"All in the Family: Birth of the Baby: Part 2 (#6.15)" (1975)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Gloria has given birth just seconds before] That wasn't too bad, was it?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh no, Michael. Not with you here to help.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: How do you feel about a second one?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [stares at him] Not now, Michael. I have a headache.


"All in the Family: Archie Is Branded (#3.20)" (1973)
Paul: [when the Bunker house is defaced by mistake, Mike and a radical Jewish defender disagree about how to respond] I don't agree with what you say, but I like your chutzpah. Y'know somethin'? One of these days you're gonna find out that this is the only answer.
Paul: [he forms Mike's hand into a fist] Right there.
Mike Stivic: I still think you're wrong. Because this...
Mike Stivic: [He makes his other hand into a fist] ... only gets you this.
Paul: OK, friend. You keep talkin', and I'll do what I have to do. Shalom.
[he leaves]
Edith Bunker: Shalom. What does that mean?
Mike Stivic: Believe it or not, Ma, it means 'Peace'.
Gloria Stivic: Jewish people also use it to say 'Hello' or 'Goodbye'.
Edith Bunker: How do you know which one they mean?
Archie Bunker: Why don't you use your common sense, Edith? If a Jew is comin' at you, it means 'Hello'. If he's goin' the other way, it means 'Goodbye'.
Edith Bunker: [sincerely trying to understand] But when does it mean 'Peace'?
Archie Bunker: Ahhh, Edith, in between 'Hello' and 'Goodbye'.


"All in the Family: Archie in the Lock-Up (#2.3)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: That's what I keep telling my big, dumb Pollack son in-law.
Desk Sergeant: Big, dumb what?
Archie Bunker: Pollack.
Mike Stivic: Say it louder, Arch, Sgt. Pulaski didn't hear you.


"All in the Family: Mike Faces Life (#6.7)" (1975)
Archie Bunker: That ain't the American Way, buddy. No, siree. Listen here, professor. You're the one who need an American History lesson. You don't know nothin' about Lady Liberty standin' there in the harbor, with her torch on high screamin' out to all the nations in the world: "Send me your poor, your deadbeats, your filthy." And all the nations send 'em in here, they come swarming in like ants. Your Spanish P.R.'s from the Caribboin, your Japs, your Chinamen, your Krauts and your Hebes and your English fags. All of 'em come in here and they're all free to live in their own separate sections where they feel safe. And they'll bust your head if you go in there. *That's* what makes America great, buddy.
[exits Stivic house]
Mike Stivic: [to Gloria] I think we just heard Archie Bunker's Bicentennial Minute.


"All in the Family: Lionel's Engagement (#4.20)" (1974)
Edith Bunker: [as Mike and Gloria put away their coats] Ohhhh, you came home at just the right time.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: You mean dinner's ready?


"All in the Family: Archie and the Kiss (#4.4)" (1973)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Thanks for the nightgown, Mrs. Lorenzo. I'm going to go upstairs and try it on now.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Imitating Groucho Marx] I think I'll give her a hand.
Archie Bunker: Get outta here.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: And then I'll give her the other hand.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Get outta here!


"All in the Family: Lionel Steps Out (#3.5)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: If God had intended whites and coloreds to dance together...
Mike Stivic: He'd had given us rhythm too.


"All in the Family: Alone at Last (#6.2)" (1975)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [Mike is moving a mattress to their new home without help from Archie] Honey, let me help you with that.
Archie Bunker: No, no, little girl, get away from that! You ain't supposed to be doin' nothin' in your condition.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Aw, Daddy, please don't say 'condition'. You make it sound like I've got the Heartbreak of Psoriasis
[the slogan of a popular commercial in the 1970s]
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: .
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: I don't have a condition. I'm pregnant.
Archie Bunker: [annoyed] Well, don't say that! Can't you say you're expectin'? Jeez, 'pregnant' sounds like you done somethin'.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [deadpan] We did!
Archie Bunker: Well, you don't have to go advertisin' it to the world. What you do in the privates of your own room is your own privates.
Edith Bunker: When I was a little girl and a woman was startin' to show, they used to say she was expectin' a bundle from heaven. But, of course, everybody knew it was really a baby.
Archie Bunker: Well, I wish we could get back to them days. What this world needs is a little more of that class. Well, herein before, when we talk about Gloria's condition, now, we're just gonna say she's, she's 'expectin'.
Edith Bunker: Or, 'in a family way'?
Archie Bunker: Or, 'with child'.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: How do you feel about 'knocked up'?


"All in the Family: Stretch Cunningham, Goodbye (#7.19)" (1977)
[Mike is an atheist]
Archie: Did you ever in your life tell somebody to go to Hell?
Mike Stivic: Well...
Archie: Don't give me any long stories, just answer me yes or no.
Mike Stivic: Well, yes.
Archie: So where did you want them to go, Disneyland?


"All in the Family: Archie's Aching Back (#1.3)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: [on the lawyer he hired] So what does their religion got to do with it?
Mike Stivic: That's what we wanna know.
Archie Bunker: Now look here, Mr. Liberal, you brought up their religion, not me. If they're good lawyers, for all I care they could be Chinks.


"All in the Family: Edith's Crisis of Faith: Part 1 (#8.13)" (1977)
Mike Stivic: Why are you always bothered by a simple show of affection?
Archie: Because I hate it.


"All in the Family: Gloria Is Nervous (#6.13)" (1975)
[Mike has just ran all the way home from a baseball game after thinking Gloria's going into labor]
Mike Stivic: I was at the ballgame and the announcer said, "Paging Doctor Scipero," and I thought, "That's my wife. My doctor's gonna have a baby!"


"All in the Family: Archie and the Bowling Team (#3.13)" (1972)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [Opens a present from Gloria, reveals that it's a leather shoulder bag] Hey Gloria, this is great!
[puts the bag over his shoulder]
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Just what I need to keep all my stuff in.
Edith Bunker: Oh Archie, ain't that beautiful!
Archie Bunker: Holy cow, a purse! Aw, that's just gorgeous there.
[to Gloria]
Archie Bunker: Did you buy him matching pantyhose?
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: You're really sick.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, this is a bag to carry things in. What's wrong with that?
Archie Bunker: If you don't know buddy, I'll spell it out for you: "F-A-G FRUIT."
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: There you go again. Just because something looks a little bit different to you, you have to put a label on it, right?
Archie Bunker: [affecting a lisp] Well, if the purse fithssss, wear it.


"All in the Family: Judging Books by Covers (#1.5)" (1971)
Archie Bunker: His pal Roger is as queer as a $4 bill and he knows it.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: That's not only cruel Daddy, that's an outright lie.
Mike Stivic: You know something Archie, just because a guy is sensitive, and he's an intellectual and he wears glasses, you make him out a queer.
Archie Bunker: I never said a guy who wears glasses is a queer. A guy who wears glasses is a four-eyes. A guy who is a fag is a queer.


"All in the Family: Mike Makes His Move (#5.24)" (1975)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [On the phone] I still can't find an apartment.
Archie Bunker: That's because you're looking with a bag over your head.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Would you leave me alone?
Archie Bunker: Try Jersey.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I *hate* Jersey!
Archie Bunker: *Everybody* hates Jersey! But somebody's gotta live there.


"All in the Family: Mike the Pacifist (#7.21)" (1977)
[on a subway]
Mike Stivic: You've moved us through three cars already.
Archie: There was a gang war in the first car.
Mike Stivic: What gang? It was three kids fighting over a strap to hold onto.
Archie: I'll bet if you went back now the little one would be hanging from that strap.


"All in the Family: The Hot Watch (#3.19)" (1973)
Archie: [Admiring his new watch] This here tells me that it's morning in China. So right at this moment, eight hundred million Chinks are sitting down to breakfast.
Mike Stivic: Archie, in the first place they are called Chinese.
Archie: That's what I said, Chinks.


"All in the Family: The Locket (#3.14)" (1972)
Mike Stivic: Double header today huh Arch?
Archie Bunker: What do you mean?
Mike Stivic: You're gonna cheat the insurance company and Ma.
Archie Bunker: Why don't you mind your own beeswax.


"All in the Family: The Draft Dodger (#7.15)" (1976)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Look, Arch, what David did took a lot of guts!
Archie Bunker: What do you mean, a lot of guts?
David Brewster: My own father couldn't understand, why should he?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: When the hell are you going to admit that the war was wrong?
Archie Bunker: I ain't talkin' about that war!Goddammit I don't want to talk about that Goddamn war no more! I'm talkin' about somethin' else! And what he done was wrong! Sayin' he won't go! Whaddya think, the old people of this country can say whether or not they wanna go to war? You couldn't get a decent war off the ground that way! All the young people would say no - sure they would! Cause they don't wanna get killed! And that's why we leave it to the Congress, cause them old quacks ain't gonna get killed! And they're gonna do the right thing, and get behind the president and vote yes!
Pinky Peterson: Arch, if my opinion is of any importance...
Archie Bunker: Certainly your opinion is important! Gold Star Father. Your opinion is more important than anyone else in this room. And I wanna hear that opinion - I want these young people here to hear that opinion! Now you tell 'em, Pinky, you tell 'em.
Pinky Peterson: I understand how you feel, Arch. My kid hated the war, too. But he did what he thought he had to do. And David here did what he thought he had to do. But David's alive to share Christmas dinner with us. And if Steve were here he would want to sit down with him. And that's what I want to do.
[offering his hand to David]
Pinky Peterson: Merry Christmas, David.
David Brewster: Merry Christmas, sir.


"All in the Family: Archie's Road Back (#8.9)" (1977)
Edith Bunker: Thank you for bringing over that portable TV.
Mike Stivic: Is he watching it?
Edith Bunker: Oh yeah, all day long. I just wish he'd turn it on.
Mike Stivic: Don't worry about it, Ma, TV is better that way any way.


"All in the Family: The Dinner Guest (#8.23)" (1978)
Mike Stivic: Why are you so cruel to midgets? What have they ever done to you?
Archie Bunker: Oh very little.


"All in the Family: Mike and Gloria Meet (#8.12)" (1977)
[Mike give his opinion to a friend after he first meets Gloria]
Mike Stivic: She's a shrimp. And that hair. She looks like the warden pardoned her *after* he threw the switch.


"All in the Family: Mike's New Job (#8.22)" (1978)
Archie Bunker: Don't you know that California is sitting on a shelf out there, they call that the Pacific Shelf. There's three states on that shelf: Oregon, California and Missouri. When the big earthquake hits, all them three states are going to be shoved right off that shelf there. They call that the Continental Divide.
Mike Stivic: What?
Archie Bunker: Yes. The Pope knew about this years ago. He said it was St. Andrew's fault.


"All in the Family: Gloria and the Riddle (#3.4)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: [when no-one can figure out the riddle, Archie proposes a new game] Bandleaders' initials.
Edith Bunker: Oh, I know that game. You think up the name of a famous bandleader, but you just give the initials, and then the others have to guess who it is. But you have to have lived a lot to play a game like that.
Archie Bunker: Yeah, you said it... Let me think of a good one for you. Ahhhhh, P.W.
Tammy Robinson: Paul Whiteman.
Archie Bunker: [impressed] Hey, Look at Tammy. She got it right away, here.
Archie Bunker: [after some further discussion and a couple more bandleaders] Hey, hey, I thought of a good one... Now, I got one for all of youse: E.C.
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: E.C...
Tammy Robinson: Eddie Condon.
Archie Bunker: Well, Eddie Condon's E.C., but ain't the E.C. I'm thinkin' about.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Eddie Cochran?
Archie Bunker: I never heard of him.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: So?
Archie Bunker: [annoyed] Well, if I never heard of him, he ain't the right E.C.
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: All right, we give up. Who is it?
Archie Bunker: Youse all give up?... Heh, heh, heh. Egzavier Cugat!
Tammy Robinson: [everyone falls on the floor] Egzavier Cugat! That's wonderful!
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, that's not E.C., that's X.C. Xavier begins with an 'X'.
Archie Bunker: Get outta here... No human being begins his name with an 'X'. I heard it a million times: Egzavier Cugat. E - G - Z - avier Cugat. Look it up.


"All in the Family: Archie and the F.B.I. (#2.16)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: Don't bother the U.S.A. Government with the Constitution.
Mike Stivic: Why? Afraid they're gonna read it?


"All in the Family: Stalemates (#8.20)" (1978)
Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [Mike and Gloria are on the bathroom floor making out] What if the maid comes in?
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I don't care. I don't want her. I want you.


"All in the Family: Mike Comes Into Money (#3.8)" (1972)
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Here's a dime Arch
Archie Bunker: That won't help me pay eighty five dollars
Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: No, but it would pay for yours!


"All in the Family: Edith Flips Her Wig (#3.6)" (1972)
Archie Bunker: Who put the last roll of terlit paper on the spool up there?
Mike Stivic: I did.
Archie Bunker: I mighta knew that. The terlit paper is supposed to go over the spool not under.