Tobias 'Toby' Beecher
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Quotes for
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher (Character)
from "Oz" (1997)

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"Oz: Ancient Tribes (#2.2)" (1998)
Augustus Hill: Aw, fuck.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: What?
Augustus Hill: You farted.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: No, I didn't.
Augustus Hill: Pee-fucking-yoo.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: I didn't fart.
Augustus Hill: Damn, man. Five hours 'til dawn, and I gotta be in a glass box with the King of Stink. I'm gonna get Gulf-fuckin'-war syndrome.

Tobias Beecher: [to Schillinger] Whatcha readin'? Mein Kampf? Well, let me tell you how it ends. The Aryans get their asses kicked!

Tobias Beecher: Who are you?
Agamemnon Busmalis: Agamemnon Busmalis, aka The Mole.
Robert Rebadow: The Mole?
Agamemnon Busmalis: I dig. I can dig anywhere. I'm gonna dig my way out of Oz.

Officer Diane Whittlesey: She leaves you in here alone?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Why? What do you think i'm gonna do? Start a Riot? Take Hostages?

Augustus Hill: [Night in Oz, and Beecher's on the top bunk] I swear Beecher, you need to go see a doctor, man. Smelly farts are a sign that something is seriously wrong on the inside.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [emphatically] I didn't fart.
[rips an egger after a pause]
Augustus Hill: Aw, fuck, man!
[Beecher giggles maliciously]

Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [to Vern] I'm gonna see to it that you never leave Oz. You hear me, sweetpea? Never. Ever.

Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: You know the wonderful thing about computers? They don't know right from wrong. You push a button, they do what you tell 'em to do. People aren't like that.

Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Yeah, well, thank God I'm crazy, 'cause I don't give a shit.

"Oz: A Game of Checkers (#1.8)" (1997)
Tobias Beecher: I shat all over a man. That's not normal.

Tim McManus: Schillinger's back in Emerald City. He says he won't harm you. Tell me you won't harm him.
Tobias Beecher: He burnt a swastika into my flesh. He made me rip up pictures of my family. He made me eat the pages of a law book. He made me wear women's makeup. And, he fucked me up the ass.
Tim McManus: I know.
Tobias Beecher: So now I just forgive him?
Tim McManus: Yes.
Tobias Beecher: Could you?
Tim McManus: Yes.
Tobias Beecher: All right. I forgive him.

Tobias Beecher: Hello! If you don't mind, I gotta take a shit.
Vern Schillinger: Beecher, listen...
Tobias Beecher: Hey! You know, I'm standing in here thinking about all the good times we had, you and me.
Vern Schillinger: I don't want to fight.
Tobias Beecher: Oh, no. Of course not. You get into a fight, you fuck up your parole. And I hear for the next three months, you're gonna be a good little boy, so you can get outta Oz, see your two sons. You know, I think that's great. But, you know what I'm wondering? What if Vern doesn't get out? What if, as he comes up for parole, he gets into a brawl, a knock-down, drag-out with his old roomie? What if every time he comes up for parole, Vern gets into some ugly incident and has to serve his entire sentence? And his two sons, they become monsters. That's what I'm wondering about. Prag.
[Beecher leaves, singing "I Got It Bad"]

Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [as Schillinger walks by] HEY! It's your move, ASSWIPE!
Officer Diane Whittlesey: Beecher! Watch it! You're going to have the fastest turnaround time in the history of the hole.
Simon Adebisi: [as Schillinger walks by] Asswipe.

"Oz: Family Bizness (#2.5)" (1998)
Chris Keller: [Toby wakes up screaming] Hey, hey...
Tobias Beecher: Don't touch me!
Chris Keller: I was just wondering what hap...
Tobias Beecher: Don't fucking touch me you fucking faggot!

Chris Keller: Toby, what's wrong?
Tobias Beecher: [crying] I fucked up my life... I really fucked up my life, I'm all alone!
Chris Keller: No you're not, no, no you're not.

Tobias Beecher: I love you.
Chris Keller: I love you, Toby.
[they kiss, a guard pounds on the door, Keller throws moonshine at them]
Chris Keller: Fuck yoooouu! Fuck yoooouu!

"Oz: God's Chillin' (#1.3)" (1997)
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: If God is in me, he's a tumor.

Vern Schillinger: So how was church, sweet pea? You feeling all sanctified and pure?
Vern Schillinger: [beat] Get undressed! We're having a shower.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: I already had a shower.
Vern Schillinger: That's okay. When I get through with you, you'll *need* another one.

[after Beecher contradicted Schillinger on Jesus Christs's true ethnicity]
Vern Schillinger: You're gettin' awful mouthy, prag.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: No, sir. I'm not.
Vern Schillinger: Yeah, I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.
[kicks a chair out and extends his legs]
Vern Schillinger: Polish my boots.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Yes, sir.
[Beecher spits on a handkerchief and prepares to polish Schillinger's boots]
Vern Schillinger: With your tongue!
[the other Aryans laugh as Beecher proceeds to lick Schillinger's boots]

"Oz: The Routine (#1.1)" (1997)
[after Beecher moves into Schillinger's pod]
Vernon Schillinger: You're not a Jew, are you?
Tobias Beecher: Me? Jewish? I don't even like Barbra Streisand.
Vernon Schillinger: You like my tattoos?
Tobias Beecher: Yeah.
Vernon Schillinger: We're gonna have to get you one.
Tobias Beecher: [laughs] I don't think so.
Vernon Schillinger: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna brand you myself.
Tobias Beecher: Livestock gets branded.
Vernon Schillinger: [chuckles] Livestock. Yeah, that's exactly what you are, my livestock. Because now, Tobias. Your ass belongs to me.

Officer Joseph Mineo: Count!
Tobias Beecher: What now?
Robert Rebadow: We go to our cells, they count heads and lock us up for the night.
Tobias Beecher: It's 5:00! What am I supposed to do... What time is lights out?
Robert Rebadow: 10:00 PM.
Tobias Beecher: What do I do for five hours?
Robert Rebadow: Try to keep breathing.

Augustus Hill: What'd you do on the outside?
Tobias Beecher: I was a lawyer.
Augustus Hill: I hate lawyers almost as much as I hate cops.

"Oz: Losing Your Appeal (#2.4)" (1998)
Judge Grace Lema: Mr. Beecher, I appreciate you taking the time to see me.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Well, you know, it's a nice break from getting fucked up the ass.
Tim McManus: Beecher.
Judge Grace Lema: It's all right. You can speak freely. I'm afraid, in court, you never had that chance.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Would it have made a difference?
Judge Grace Lema: No.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Lady, what do you want?
Judge Grace Lema: I've been a judge for sixteen years. I've made over twenty-five-hundred decisions. Most of them were good. But only one has haunted me. Yours. You see, I've always prided myself on being fair. That, in my court, justice was truly blind. But, in your case, that little girl, her parents crying, you being a member of the bar, your prior arrest for DUI, the senselessness of it all, it caught up with me. I was quick-tempered and spiteful to the point where I can't tell if I gave you a fair trial. Now, seeing you like this, I - I think maybe the punishment exceeded the crime. And I'm... Well...
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: You're what? Sorry? Your Honor, you used all your power to crush me. But the truth is I did kill Cathy Rockwell. And as much as I tried to manipulate the legal system to get off, to get out of it, I took her life. According to the law, each crime is worth a certain number of years. You gave me a maximum of fifteen years in this *fuckhole*! Is that too much? Too harsh? Not enough? I don't know! You say you're haunted by what you did? Well, so am I. And if you came here for me to forgive you, you've come to the wrong man. He ceased to exist the day Cathy Rockwell did, and you're not gonna get any peace out of him than I do out of her.
[gets up to leave and then sarcastically says to McManus]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Yeah, this was very therapeutic. Thanks.
Judge Grace Lema: [Beecher walks out of the room; Lema remains seated, frozen with guilt and says softly to the spot where Beecher was] I'm sorry.

Tim McManus: The other day before Hill's hearing I met Judge Grace Lima.
Tobias Beecher: Oh really? How is the cunt?
Tim McManus: She asked about you.
Tobias Beecher: The cunt put me in here. The cunt gave me the toughest sentence possible.
Tim McManus: She asked if she could come and see you.
Tobias Beecher: What a cunt. You know, my trial lasted 28 days. And for every single one of those days I had to stare up at that cunt's face while she banged her cunt gavel and instructed the jury to fuck me over. I didn't have a choice. I had to see the cunt. Now I don't have to.
Tim McManus: Yes you do.
Tobias Beecher: You gonna force me?
Tim McManus: Yes.
Tobias Beecher: Why?
Tim McManus: 'Cause I think it'll be therapeutic. Ultimately you'll thank me.
Tobias Beecher: You know what? You're a cunt too.

Kareem Said: [working on Augustus' legal defense] Augustus, we need a smoking gun. We need to find a convicted felon who was asked to give a bribe, didn't, and then was sentenced unfairly.
Robert Rebadow: How do you know that one exists?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: And, if he does, how do you find him? It's a needle in a haystack.
Kareem Said: Quickest way to find the needle... burn the haystack.

"Oz: Plan B (#1.7)" (1997)
[Beecher confronts Schillinger in the gym]
Vernon 'Vern' Schillinger: You're gonna die!
Tobias Beecher: Not today!
[Beecher kicks Schillinger in the groin, then bashes his head with a dumbbell, then proceeds to tie him up with a crowd cheering him on]
Ryan O'Reily: Yeah, tie that motherfucking Nazi up!
[Beecher then takes a bench and slams it onto Schillinger's chest, then pulls down his pants]
Tobias Beecher: Hey, motherfucker, you remember THIS!
[proceeds to defecate onto Schillinger's face, the crowd cheers]
Ryan O'Reily: Ah, he SHIT on him!
[Beecher laughs diabolically]
Tobias Beecher: Sieg heil, baby! Sieg fucking heil!

Beecher: You've got to transfer me to another cell block.
Tim McManus: All the other cell blocks are full.
Beecher: Well transfer me to another prison.
Tim McManus: Do I look like a travel agent to you?

"Oz: Works of Mercy (#4.4)" (2000)
Chris Keller: [as Keller is being sent off to another prison] Don't worry, we'll meet again. If not here then in Heaven.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Do you think we'll really get in?
Chris Keller: You and me together? God doesn't have the balls to keep us out.

[the FBI names Keller as a possible suspect]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: No. Not Chris. It can't be him.
Mrs. Beecher: How can you be so sure?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: I know Chris, Mother. Intimately.
Mrs. Beecher: Intimately?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: He's my lover.
[Mr. and Mrs. Beecher are horrified]

"Oz: Cuts Like a Knife (#4.12)" (2001)
Chris Keller: I'll see ya.
Tobias Beecher: When?
Chris Keller: Back here... or in Heaven.
Tobias Beecher: You really think we're getting into Heaven?
Chris Keller: Ah, you and me together? God doesn't have the balls to keep us out.

[Keller is leaving to stand trial in Massachusetts for a murder he did not commit]
Chris Keller: See ya.
Tobias Beecher: [scoffs] When?
Chris Keller: Back here. Or in heaven.
Tobias Beecher: You really think we're going to get into heaven?
Chris Keller: Aw, you and me together. God doesn't have the balls to keep us out.
[Keller is pulled away by the guards, zoom in on Beecher's sad face, Augustus begins narration]
Augustus Hill: The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same.
[cut to Augustus, sitting in the dark]
Augustus Hill: There's always a scar. Which is meant, I guess, to remind you that - even for a little while - someone made your heart beat faster. And that's a scar you can live with. Proudly. All the days of your life.

"Oz: Exeunt Omnes (#6.8)" (2003)
Tobias Beecher: Did you purposely fuck up my parole?
Chris Keller: I can't imagine going through the rest of my life in here without you.

Tobias Beecher: You wouldn't understand, you kill for sport.
Chris Keller: *I* don't understand? *I'm* not the one who's here by accident. I kill because I have to.

"Oz: Wheel of Fortune (#5.5)" (2002)
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Adam? Is everything all right? You haven't said a word all evening.
#02W561 Adam Guenzel: Were you a fag before you came to Oz or did you start here?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: What?
#02W561 Adam Guenzel: I've been asking around, I've heard some stories; are they true?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Depends on what you heard.
#02W561 Adam Guenzel: That when you first arrived, you were Schillinger's bitch?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [embarrassed] Yes.
#02W561 Adam Guenzel: And then some guy named Keller's bitch?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Not "bitch", exactly.
#02W561 Adam Guenzel: Well, then what? His "girlfriend"?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: People like to reduce things to their most basic form...
#02W561 Adam Guenzel: You're either a fag or you're not a fag. And if you are, you should of told me instead of pretending to act normal; pretending to care about me for the right reasons.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [begins to approach him] Adam, I *do* care about you for the right reasons.
#02W561 Adam Guenzel: Stay back!
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Come on, don't be an asshole.
#02W561 Adam Guenzel: Yeah, you'd like that, huh? You'd like to be up my asshole?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Shut the fuck up!

"Oz: Variety (#5.6)" (2002)
Tobias Beecher: You creep into my heart, and make my heart BURN!
Vern Schillinger: You sneak into my mind, and make my head ACHE!
Tobias Beecher, Vern Schillinger: Look it's time to face the music.
Vern Schillinger: BYE bye!
Tobias Beecher: Don't slam the door.
Tobias Beecher, Vern Schillinger: This is the last duet. Last chance you're gon-na get. No more h-har-mony for you and me. This is the LAST DUET!
Tobias Beecher: I'll ever do with.
Vern Schillinger: Never do with.
Tobias Beecher, Vern Schillinger: Never never never never never do with YOOOOOUUU!

"Oz: U.S. Male (#3.5)" (1999)
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [about Schillinger's son, Andy] I haven't fucked him. At least not yet. You see, because I was there for him. You know. Holding him, comforting him. I think he's getting a little bit of a crush on me. And I have been tempted to, you know, deep-tongue him a couple of times. But I knew it'd make you mad so I haven't. Even though, he wants me to stick my dick up his ass. And I'm afraid one of these nights, he and I alone, in our pod, well. I may not be able to control myself.
Vernon Schillinger: You'll be dead before you get the chance!
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [as Schillinger walks away] Well, you better hurry. Because Keller's getting horny. And I heard O'Reily's been talking about a three-way with Cyril and Andy.

"Oz: Cruel and Unusual Punishments (#3.6)" (1999)
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [watching the Miss Sally show] I'd like a four way with Nooter and Pecky.

"Oz: Blizzard of '01 (#4.13)" (2001)
Colonel Edward Galson: So I hear you're a faggot.
Tobias Beecher: Whether I am or not, what's it to you?
Colonel Edward Galson: Lights go out, I don't want you getting any ideas.
Tobias Beecher: Trust me, Colonel, I'm never gonna get that horny.
Colonel Edward Galson: As long as we understand each other. Fucking faggots are ruining the military. "Don't ask, don't tell" my ass.
Tobias Beecher: I agree. You know, I think the military should stay the way it's always been. A bunch of redneck he-men who murder children and rape women.
Colonel Edward Galson: You making a joke of me?
Tobias Beecher: Seems like you're doing a pretty good job on your own.

"Oz: Visitation (#5.1)" (2002)
Sister Peter Marie Reimondo: I had a thought in the shower this morning - about you
Tobias Beecher: You think about me when you're naked in the shower?

"Oz: Capital P (#1.4)" (1997)
Vernon Schillinger: [after discovering Beecher trying to defend Keane] Eat it!
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: What?
Vernon Schillinger: [tears out a page from the law book] Eat the page!
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: No.
Vernon Schillinger: [forces the page into his mouth] Don't you fuck with me, prag! You eat that damn page!
[tears another page]
Vernon Schillinger: Here, eat another!

"Oz: Next Stop, Valhalla (#5.4)" (2002)
[Beecher and Guenzel are playing basketball, Robson touches Guenzel]
#97R492 James Robson: [flirtatiously] Ooh, I love a man who sweats.
Tobias Beecher: Leave him alone.
#97R492 James Robson: Stay out of this, prag!
#97R492 James Robson: [to Guenzel] Now, this can go one of two ways, precious, kick or kiss. They both end the same. With my dick up your ass.
Frank 'The Fixer' Urbano: Not necessarily.
#97R492 James Robson: Who the fuck are you?
Frank 'The Fixer' Urbano: Who the fuck am I?
[Decks Robson, causing a riot between the Aryans and the Sicilians. Beecher and Guenzel slip away]

"Oz: Impotence (#5.8)" (2002)
Tobias Beecher: How is love wrong, Kareem? In whatever form it takes, how is love wrong? Especially, here in Oz where there's so little of it. You and I, we love each other. You stabbed Schillinger and Robson for me. But the Aryans say that any sort of love between the races is a perversion. Who decides these things? Who chooses which love is permissible?
Kareem Said: God.
Tobias Beecher: The God I worship... Loves everybody, and he created a universe full of different kinds of people sharing different kinds of love.

"Oz: A Word to the Wise (#4.6)" (2000)
#00B563 Raymond 'Mondo' Browne: C'mon. Let's go bitch.
Tobias Beecher: You're such a romantic. You treat all your women this way?
#00B563 Raymond 'Mondo' Browne: Hey! When I'm horny, the less talking the better.
Tobias Beecher: All right, loverboy. Pucker up.
[they proceed to deep-kiss]

"Saturday Night Live: Jerry Seinfeld/David Bowie (#25.1)" (1999)
Jerry Seinfeld: [Jerry and Beecher are eating lunch in the prison cafeteria when Schillinger walks past the table and Beecher gives him a dirty look] What is with you two?
Tobias Beecher: Ah, you know. First, I was his bitch... then he burned a swastika into my ass... and then I took a crap on his face... and that started a whole "thing"!
Jerry Seinfeld: Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!
Tobias Beecher: [gives Jerry a strange look] Anyway... he nearly broke every bone in my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!
Jerry Seinfeld: Did he try to...?
Tobias Beecher: No. Nothing happened.
Jerry Seinfeld: You missed out on the make-up sodomy?
Tobias Beecher: I missed out on the sodomy!
Jerry Seinfeld: The make-up sodomy's the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!
Tobias Beecher: Missed out, baby!

"Oz: Visits, Conjugal and Otherwise (#1.2)" (1997)
[after forcing Beecher to ask permission several times]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: *PLEASE, SIR! MAY I FUCK MY WIFE?*
Vernon 'Vern' Schillinger: Now, when you ask me like *that*. I can't refuse you anything.

"Oz: Revenge Is Sweet (#4.11)" (2001)
#01B784 Ronald 'Ronnie' Barlog: Keller and I fucked last night. It was fantastic. He told me he loves me.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Oh, honey, can't you see it's just another Ponzi?
#01B784 Ronald 'Ronnie' Barlog: Maybe. But I'm in Oz, so what's the difference?

"Oz: A Town Without Pity (#4.7)" (2000)
[Beecher confronts Schillinger after Hank got away with killing Beecher's son]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: I'm going to kill you, motherfucker!
Vernon 'Vern' Schillinger: [after the COs pull them apart] Well, I guess you heard the good news about Hank.
Sister Peter Marie Reimondo: Take him back to Em City!
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [while being hauled away] COCKSUCKER! You fucking cocksucker! You wait! YOU FUCKING WAIT!
Vernon 'Vern' Schillinger: [after Beecher is gone] Whew. Got quite a temper on him, doesn't he?

"Oz: Napoleon's Boney Parts (#3.2)" (1999)
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [flinching away from Keller] Don't.
Chris Keller: You realize we've only kissed once? In all these months... once. All I've been thinking about is kissing you again.
[reaches out to touch Beecher again]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [jerks away] Hey, I said don't!

"Oz: 4giveness (#6.5)" (2003)
[Beecher is back in Oz, having been set up by Keller]
Tobias Beecher: [to Sister Pete and McManus] Same old story. I got fucked in the ass.

"Oz: To Your Health (#1.6)" (1997)
[Beecher, high on PCP, smashes Schillinger's pod windows]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: Get out, motherfucker! How's that! I'm sorry, sir! I'm getting out of here!
[Beecher tries to jump off the railing, gets pulled off by the hacks]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: How about that! Come on! Fucking BITCH!
Vernon 'Vern' Schillinger: GET A FUCKING DOCTOR!
Simon Adebisi, Kenny 'Bricks' Wangler: BEECHER BEECHER BEECHER BEECHER...

"Oz: Unnatural Disasters (#3.4)" (1999)
Tim McManus: You must think I'm an idiot. You want me to move Keller out of your pod and put Andrew Schillinger in?
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: You're wondering if I'm going to harm the son of the man who double fucked me.
Tim McManus: The thought had crossed my mind.

"Oz: Obituaries (#4.2)" (2000)
Tobias Beecher: You hate the law? Well, I love it. I love the law, even if it didn't turn out in my favor. You know why I love the laws we have in this state? Because it keeps people like Schillinger, Adebisi and Hernandez away from my kids.

"Oz: Great Men (#2.3)" (1998)
[Beccher confronts Schillinger in the mailroom]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: I played you. I manipulated you just like the dumbass redneck Neanderthal you are. It's amazing what you learn about someone when they're fucking you in the ass.
[Schillinger throws a fan at Beecher but misses]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [laughing diabolically] You're gettin' slow there, sweet pea. Gettin' a little *soft*.

"Oz: You Bet Your Life (#4.8)" (2000)
Tobias Beecher: I didn't kill Shemin.
Simon Adebisi: Yeah, but you fucked him, though.
Tobias Beecher: Once. He was lousy.
[Browne slams Beecher's head against a desk]
Tobias Beecher: So were you, Mondo!
[Browne slams his head again]

"Oz: A Day in the Death... (#6.6)" (2003)
[Keller got Beecher sent back to Oz]
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: I wish to God I left you on Death Row!