Augustus Hill
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Quotes for
Augustus Hill (Character)
from "Oz" (1997)

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"Oz: A Game of Checkers (#1.8)" (1997)
Augustus Hill: Remember when your high school history teacher said that the course of human events changes 'cause of the deeds of great men. Well, the bitch was lying. Fuck Caesar, fuck Lincoln, fuck Mahatma Gandhi. The world keeps moving cause of you and me, the anonymous. Revolutions get going cause there ain't enough bread. Wars happen over a game of checkers.

[Dobbins got stabbed during the riot]
Augustus Hill: You gotta take him to ER!
Jackson Vayhue: Hill, I go out there, they gonna kick my fucking ass.
Augustus Hill: They gonna be kicking our asses anyway, brother.
Jackson Vayhue: No way. This ain't my fault, Hill. He is definitely not my problem, man. I did not start all this shit, Hill!
Augustus Hill: What difference does it make, huh? Look, you think 'cause of who you are you can pick and choose when to take responsibility. You can't. Sometimes you gotta step up.

Augustus Hill: Yeah, who cares who lives or dies in prison? We read the names in the morning paper and they mean nothing to us. They're faceless. Truth is, we don't wanna put a face on 'em. We don't want to know who they really are. Because then it might hit too close to home, and home is what it's all about, right? Making a home no matter where you are, no matter who you are. At the end of the day, everybody wants somewhere to rest, somewhere to lay their bones, even if it's in a land called Oz. Yeah, like Dorothy says when she wakes up in her own bed back at Aunt Em's, "There's no place like home." There's no fucking place like home.


"Oz: Escape from Oz (#2.8)" (1998)
Augustus Hill: Clemency. That's a fancy word for mercy. You see, the Governor can commute a death sentence. He has the power to just pick up the phone and say no. But to me, the only time the Governor shows clemency, is when he don't make that call. 'Cause life in prison without parole is a shitload worse than death. Death is parole. Death is the real mercy.

Augustus Hill: Yeah. Everybody wants to escape from Oz. 'Course truth is, there is no escape. I mean, let's say you manage to sneak out. Then you gotta run and keep running. The life of running away ain't no life at all. Better to stay put, face reality, deal with what you got and make the best of it. Yeah, the measure of a man is not where he lives, but how. How he makes the best of it. Make the best of it. Later.

Jonathan Coushaine: I say we institute a 'no swearing' rule.
Raoul 'El Cid' Hernandez: Man, Fuck you!
Augustus Hill: Suck my dick.
Kenny Wangler: Asswipe.
Ryan O'Reily: Cocksucker.
Chucky 'The Enforcer' Pancamo: Stupid cunt.
Jaz Hoyt: ...Putz!


"Oz: Ancient Tribes (#2.2)" (1998)
Augustus Hill: Aw, fuck.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: What?
Augustus Hill: You farted.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: No, I didn't.
Augustus Hill: Pee-fucking-yoo.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: I didn't fart.
Augustus Hill: Damn, man. Five hours 'til dawn, and I gotta be in a glass box with the King of Stink. I'm gonna get Gulf-fuckin'-war syndrome.

Augustus Hill: I tell you, I don't belong with those three clowns, man. They're crazy! Especially Beecher. I mean, forget all that shit he did to Schillinger. Beecher bit off some fucker's dick.
Tim McManus: I know. That was ten months ago.
Augustus Hill: Oh, yeah, well, then that's ok. I gotta share a pod, McManus. I gotta sleep with one eye open.
Tim McManus: Sister Peter Marie says he's responding to therapy.
Augustus Hill: Well, then let her bunk with him.

Augustus Hill: [Night in Oz, and Beecher's on the top bunk] I swear Beecher, you need to go see a doctor, man. Smelly farts are a sign that something is seriously wrong on the inside.
Tobias 'Toby' Beecher: [emphatically] I didn't fart.
[rips an egger after a pause]
Augustus Hill: Aw, fuck, man!
[Beecher giggles maliciously]


"Oz: Blizzard of '01 (#4.13)" (2001)
Augustus Hill: Why didn't you let me have the paper route?
Burr Redding: What?
Augustus Hill: When I was ten, I wanted a paper route. Instead, you put me on the street, selling drugs.
Burr Redding: So, what do you want? An apology? Well, you ain't getting it! When your father died in 'Nam, I swore to him I'd look out for you, and I did.
Augustus Hill: How in the fuck did you do that?
Burr Redding: I taught you how to do the only thing I knew how. I kept you alive, I kept you fed, and I helped keep a roof over you and your mother's head!
Augustus Hill: Bullshit! The fact of the matter is, I wouldn't be in Oz, I wouldn't be in this chair, if you had only let me have the fucking paper route!

Augustus Hill: They say that every snowflake is different. But how can they really be sure? I mean, think about all the snowflakes that have fallen all over the world throughout Earth's history. The law of averages dictates that at least two of them had to be similar. Like human beings, like the men in Oz, even if they start out unique, they end up the same.


"Oz: Impotence (#5.8)" (2002)
Augustus Hill: Don't worry, Poet. I won't rat you out.
Arnold 'Poet' Jackson: [gives Hill a kiss] Thanks, man. Shit, if I was a girl, you'd get tongue.
Augustus Hill: If you was a girl, you'd be butt-ass ugly.

Augustus Hill: [his last words] I can feel my legs.


"Oz: The Bill of Wrongs (#4.3)" (2000)
Augustus Hill: Life in Oz sucks, and only a fool or a Republican will tell you different.

Nikolai Stanislofsky: You know what I miss more than anything about being free? Taking a bath. I hate showers. To sit and soak in a hot tub with bubbles everywhere...
[says 'amazing' in Russian]
Ryan O'Reily: I bet you even had a rubber ducky, huh Nikolai?
Nikolai Stanislofsky: Rubber ducky?
Ryan O'Reily: Yeah.
Nikolai Stanislofsky: What is rubber ducky?
Augustus Hill: A product of capitalist imperialism.


"Oz: Cuts Like a Knife (#4.12)" (2001)
Augustus Hill: The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same. There's always a scar, which I guess, is meant to remind you that even for a little while, someone made your heart beat faster. And that's a scar you can live with, proudly. All the days of your life.

[Keller is leaving to stand trial in Massachusetts for a murder he did not commit]
Chris Keller: See ya.
Tobias Beecher: [scoffs] When?
Chris Keller: Back here. Or in heaven.
Tobias Beecher: You really think we're going to get into heaven?
Chris Keller: Aw, you and me together. God doesn't have the balls to keep us out.
[Keller is pulled away by the guards, zoom in on Beecher's sad face, Augustus begins narration]
Augustus Hill: The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same.
[cut to Augustus, sitting in the dark]
Augustus Hill: There's always a scar. Which is meant, I guess, to remind you that - even for a little while - someone made your heart beat faster. And that's a scar you can live with. Proudly. All the days of your life.
[blackout]


"Oz: Napoleon's Boney Parts (#3.2)" (1999)
Augustus Hill: When Napoleon died in Exile, the doctors cut off his dick. They put his dick in an ornate jar and gave it to his priest; don't ask me why. Over the years, Napoleon's dick was sold and sold again to the highest bidder. To this day, at least three people claim to own Napoleon's dick. But you see, it's not important who owns the real dick. The big question is, well... who the fuck do those other two dicks belong to?

Augustus Hill: Napoleon's final defeat came at Waterloo. Must've been embarrassing. You're the fucking emperor. You conquered all of Europe, only to lose in a place with a stupid name like Waterloo. Or Watergate, or Whitewater. Note to politicans: Stay on land.


"Oz: Unnatural Disasters (#3.4)" (1999)
Augustus Hill: Then the Lord said: "I have seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cries because of their taskmasters. I know their suffering and have come down to deliver them out of the hands of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land. A land flowing with milk and honey." Yeah. God sends Moses to be a deliverer, then throws a curveball. God hardens Pharoah's heart, so Pharoah won't let the Israelites go. "Moses set my people free. Pharoah, keep them captive." Hey, God, who's side are you on?

Augustus Hill: You swat at a fly, step on an ant, squash a cockroach, you don't think much of it. In fact, killing a bug gives you a sense of accomplishment. Fucking ant was ruining your picnic, cockroach was crawling through your kitchen cabinets. You put an end to their disgusting, miserable little lives and make a better world for everyone. Only, for every one you kill, more appear. Bigger, uglier, meaner than before.


"Oz: Secret Identities (#3.7)" (1999)
Augustus Hill: People are defined by three things. Their heads- how they think. Their hearts- what they feel. Their dicks- who they fuck. At the end of the day, each of us has to answer one question. One, not so simple question. Who am I?


"Oz: Cruel and Unusual Punishments (#3.6)" (1999)
Ryan O'Reily: Neuter's a fag.
Augustus Hill: What makes you say that?
Ryan O'Reily: Look at the way he's grabbing Pecky?
Augustus Hill: Their fighting.
Ryan O'Reily: Yo all I'm saying is that its a lot of body contact man.
Augustus Hill: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard of, a gay puppet.
Chris Keller: One of the teletubbys is gay.
Augustus Hill: What?
Chris Keller: Yeah Falwell, the reverend somebody says twinky dink or whatever his name is, he's a butt pirate.
Augustus Hill: That's nuts, listen you gotta have a, a cock to be gay.
Chris Keller: Where does it say you gotta have a cock to be gay? All you need is a mouth so you can suck cock.


"Oz: Capital P (#1.4)" (1997)
[last lines]
Augustus Hill: There's this brother on death row somewheres, he checked in when he was sixteen. He sat there another sixteen years while the courts and lawyers argued about this and that. While he waited, he painted a mural on his wall. For all those years, he painted, not letting a soul see what he was up to. Finally, when he was thirty-two and had spent more life on death row than in his mama's house, all his appeals were exhausted. He was about to die. As he was about to be let out for the final time, he finally unveiled his masterpiece. All there was were six words, "Death is certain. Life is not." The next day the hacks painted over it. Peace out.


"Oz: Next Stop, Valhalla (#5.4)" (2002)
Augustus Hill: The Vikings, their brutality aside, had their moments of brilliance. At one point, they were such great shipbuilders, that Leif Ericson and his crew sailed all the way to America. Some people say that he probably went as down south as the New York harbor. Here's where the brilliance comes in- they took a look and went back.


"Oz: Straight Life (#1.5)" (1997)
Augustus Hill: I ain't saying drugs are good. But when your past is past and your present sucks and your future holds nothing but broken promises and dead dreams, the drugs'll kill the pain. Listen up, America, you ain't ever gonna get rid of drugs until you cure pain.


"Oz: Legs (#3.3)" (1999)
Augustus Hill: In my hood, you had to learn to run, before you learned to walk.


"Oz: Dead Man Talking (#6.1)" (2003)
Augustus Hill: [as narrator] Let me tell you, dying is a lot harder on the living then it is on the dead. Death really only hurts those left behind.


"Saturday Night Live: Jerry Seinfeld/David Bowie (#25.1)" (1999)
Jerry Seinfeld: You think you can hold out longer than me?
Ryan O'Reily: I know I can hold out longer than you.
Vern Schillinger: Care to make it interesting?
Ryan O'Reily: A carton of smokes?
Augustus Hill: I want in, too.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're all on. Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape wins the contest.


"Oz: Animal Farm (#2.7)" (1998)
Augustus Hill: So, what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom? What makes us so different? We're the only species who put our own kind in cages.


"Oz: Visits, Conjugal and Otherwise (#1.2)" (1997)
Augustus Hill: 'Fuck' is a four letter word. 'Rape' is a four letter word. 'Wife' is a four letter word. So is 'love.'


"Oz: Revenge Is Sweet (#4.11)" (2001)
Augustus Hill: When you take revenge on somebody, you are actually paying them the highest compliment possible. It's like saying, "You've affected my life to such an extent that I must reciprocate. I must affect your life as deeply as you have mine". Revenge may be the ultimate Hallmark card. Yeah. When you think of it like that, the cliché is true. Revenge *is* sweet.


"Oz: Exeunt Omnes (#6.8)" (2003)
Augustus Hill: [the final lines of the series] So, what have we learned? What's the lesson for today? For all the never-ending days and restless nights in Oz? That morality is transient? That virtue cannot exist without violence? That to be honest is to be flawed? That the giving and taking of love both debases and elevates us? That God or Allah or Yahweh has answers to questions we dare not even ask? The story is simple. A man lives in prison and dies. How he dies, that's easy. The who and the why is the complex part. The human part. The only part worth knowing. Peace.


"Oz: Good Intentions (#5.7)" (2002)
[last lines]
Augustus Hill: So, that road to hell that's paved with good intentions? I'm not saying to make a detour, only that before you make your first step, consider the consequences, 'cause good can turn to bad in the blink of a fuckin' eye.


"Oz: 4giveness (#6.5)" (2003)
Augustus Hill: A man stands in a cemetery, reading a letter he wrote forgiving his long dead father. The mother of a girl killed by a drunk driver is racked with fantasies of retaliation. Your boyfriend begs you for one more chance. You say to your mirror you're done hating yourself. But you know you're not. Maybe instead of forgive and forget, it should be forgive and remember. Remember that you might have to wake up tomorrow and forgive all over again. And again, and again, the way your heart keeps beating like a drum. Forgive. I can't. You can. Forgive. Forgive. I can't. You can. Forgive.


"Oz: To Your Health (#1.6)" (1997)
Augustus Hill: 'At least you got your health.' Don't you hate that? You lose your job, you lose your wife, YOU'RE IN PRISON, and some punk ass do gooder says 'At least you got your health' like that's supposed to make you FEEL better! So what if I'm broke? So what if some dealer wants to cap my ass; at least I ain't got a tumor. I swear, the next person to say ALYGYH to me, I'ma make sure they don't have THEIR health much longer.


"Oz: Obituaries (#4.2)" (2000)
Augustus Hill: Ultimately, I guess it don't matter what they write in your obituary, cause you ain't gonna be around to read it. Newsprint fades, paper turn to pulp. The mark you leave behind has to be deeper. The mark you leave behind, has to be on another person's soul.


"Oz: Great Men (#2.3)" (1998)
Augustus Hill: Now, you'd think a doctor or two would be on the top of the list of the greatest person of the millennium. I mean, doctors do research, discover diseases. But no one's gonna see Dr. Epstein-Barr, Dr. Norman-Barre, Dr. Down, and Dr. Alzheimer on any list. 'Cause for all their hard work, hearing their names fills us with dread. Their names make us sick.


"Oz: Losing Your Appeal (#2.4)" (1998)
[about a possibility to get Hill a new trial]
Kareem Said: Do you want to replace me? You wanna get Beecher to take up our cause?
Augustus Hill: Our cause? This is not our cause, this is my fucking life! I am not you, man! I don't want to be a martyr or a fucking saint! All I want is to get out of here and be free. Either you can do that or you leave me the fuck alone!