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: I had a diary when I was little. If my parents had read it, I would've been furious. Such a violation. Harold Weir
: Spooning with a stranger in the backseat of a van, that's a violation!
: [serving dinner
] Okay. I've got something special for us tonight. Ta-da! Harold Weir
: What the hell? Jean Weir
: Uh, Harold, they're Cornish Game Hen with a plum wine sauce. They're fantastic. Harold Weir
: What'd you do, put poison in a bird feeder?
: [to Lindsay, about Nick
] What are you going to tell him? Lindsay Weir
: I don't know, Mom! Harold Weir
: I know what to tell him - tell him he's a grease bucket and you deserve better.
: I guess you'd prefer we listened to some of that punk rock I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience. Jean Weir
: That's terrible. Harold Weir
: Yeah, that's what I want to do, spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment. Lindsay Weir
: Dad, every generation is scared of the music that comes from the next. I'm sure your parents hated Elvis. Harold Weir
: Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans. Sam Weir
: No, but he died on the toilet. Harold Weir
: Well, that's paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up.
: Lindsay, just say the words, it'll make him feel better. Lindsay Weir
: Sam, you have a beautiful body, you're an Adonis, a slab of beef. If I wasn't your sister... Oh, my God!
: Uh, dad, can I have an Atari from my birthday? Harold Weir
: An a-what-ee? Sam Weir
: Atari. Harold Weir
: What the heck is that? Jean Weir
: That's one of those expensive video games, isn't it? Sam Weir
: No, no, it's not expensive! Harold Weir
: Yeah, well, whatever it costs, it's a waste of money. And time. You know, the welfare rolls are full of video game players. Lindsay Weir
: No, they're not. Harold Weir
: Well, they're gonna be. Trust me.
: [speaking to Lindsay about her virginity
] Honey, tell her about Korea. Harold Weir
: Korea? Well, one day I went to Seoul on a weekend pass and I went to this bar, and I had a few to many. And I followed a couple of my buddies to the Red Light District... Jean Weir
: Your fathers first time wasn't special and he's always regreted it. Harold Weir
: It was the worst five dollars I've ever spent. And I wish I could get those five dollars back!