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: Well, everybody's got parents, Jean, even hookers. Remember that TV movie we saw?
: [holding up his thumb
] This! The thumb! You think I don't know what that means? I know, Lindsay! It means, "Hey, stranger! Please lock me in your car, drive me to God knows where and murder me!"
: Lindsay, do you know what happens when you put a rotten banana in a fruit bowl? All the other bananas go rotten. And that's what Kim Kelly is: a bad banana.
: I had a diary when I was little. If my parents had read it, I would've been furious. Such a violation. Harold Weir
: Spooning with a stranger in the backseat of a van, that's a violation!
: [looking through Lindsay's drawer for her diary
] These stamps... I heard the kids put LSD on the back of them.
: [serving dinner
] Okay. I've got something special for us tonight. Ta-da! Harold Weir
: What the hell? Jean Weir
: Uh, Harold, they're Cornish Game Hen with a plum wine sauce. They're fantastic. Harold Weir
: What'd you do, put poison in a bird feeder?
: Dad, give me one good reason why there can't be a woman president. Harold Weir
: It's called three irrational days per month. Now, I would have no issue with the other twenty seven, but we're talking about the atomic bomb here.
: By the way, that drummer you're listening to... Nick Andopolis
: Yeah? Harold Weir
: He's terrible! Nick Andopolis
: What? That's Neal Peart, he's the greatest drummer alive! Harold Weir
: Neal Peart couldn't drum his way out of a paper bag!
: What's wrong with a woman president dad? Harold Weir
: Its called 3 irrational days per month. Harold Weir
: Now, I would have no issue with the other twenty seven but we are talking about the atomic bomb here.
: Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans! Sam Weir
: Yeah, but he died on the toilet! Harold Weir
: The toilet? That's like heaven compared to where the Sex Pistols are going!
: I guess you'd prefer we listened to some of that punk rock I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience. Jean Weir
: That's terrible. Harold Weir
: Yeah, that's what I want to do, spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment. Lindsay Weir
: Dad, every generation is scared of the music that comes from the next. I'm sure your parents hated Elvis. Harold Weir
: Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans. Sam Weir
: No, but he died on the toilet. Harold Weir
: Well, that's paradise compared to where those Sex Pistols are gonna end up.
: [to Lindsay, about Nick
] What are you going to tell him? Lindsay Weir
: I don't know, Mom! Harold Weir
: I know what to tell him - tell him he's a grease bucket and you deserve better.
: I feel that there comes a point in a young man's life when he should start testing the waters. Lindsay Weir
: What about me testing the waters? Harold Weir
: You can test the waters, too - after you get married!
: Uh, dad, can I have an Atari from my birthday? Harold Weir
: An a-what-ee? Sam Weir
: Atari. Harold Weir
: What the heck is that? Jean Weir
: That's one of those expensive video games, isn't it? Sam Weir
: No, no, it's not expensive! Harold Weir
: Yeah, well, whatever it costs, it's a waste of money. And time. You know, the welfare rolls are full of video game players. Lindsay Weir
: No, they're not. Harold Weir
: Well, they're gonna be. Trust me.
: Everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses!
: [speaking to Lindsay about her virginity
] Honey, tell her about Korea. Harold Weir
: Korea? Well, one day I went to Seoul on a weekend pass and I went to this bar, and I had a few to many. And I followed a couple of my buddies to the Red Light District... Jean Weir
: Your fathers first time wasn't special and he's always regreted it. Harold Weir
: It was the worst five dollars I've ever spent. And I wish I could get those five dollars back!