Bill Haverchuck
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Quotes for
Bill Haverchuck (Character)
from "Freaks and Geeks" (1999)

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"Freaks and Geeks: Beers and Weirs (#1.2)" (1999)
Sam Weir: What's non-alcoholic beer?
Bill Haverchuck: It's just like beer but it doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal Schweiber: Alcohol?
Bill Haverchuck: Yeah.

Bill Haverchuck: Hey, if Neal marries your sister, he'll be your brother-in-law. And if you have kids, Neal would be their Uncle Neal. And I bet Lindsay's kids will look like Neal.
Sam Weir: Bill, shut up.

Sam Weir: What's non-alcoholic beer?
Bill Haverchuck: It's just like beer, it just doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal Schweiber: ...Alcohol?
Bill Haverchuck: Yeah.

Sam Weir: What am I gonna say to Cindy?
Bill Haverchuck: Don't say anything. Be dominant. It's all, all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, if you talk to her first, it's a sign of weakness and she will not pick you to be her mate.
Sam Weir: Are you drunk?
Bill Haverchuck: I think so, yes I am.
Sam Weir: Aw, man, go into my room, lock the door, and don't drink any more.
Bill Haverchuck: [after Sam leaves] That's very dominant.

Neal Schweiber: Bill, Dallas sucks.
Bill Haverchuck: ...You suck. Dallas rules.


"Freaks and Geeks: The Garage Door (#1.12)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: Remember that time in science class when I tried to sneak out a fart but it came out a poop? And then I had to flush my undies down the toilet? Do you think I wanted to tell you guys that?

Neal Schweiber: So, I wake up this morning, and guess what is sitting on the end of my bed?
Bill Haverchuck: A turd?
Neal Schweiber: Yes, Bill, a turd.
Bill Haverchuck: Eww, gross!
Neal Schweiber: An Atari video set. Is my dad the coolest, or what? So, uh, shall we say Asteroids, my place, 3:30?
Bill Haverchuck: Yeah, if that's when you wanna get your butt kicked.

Bill Haverchuck: You remember when we said we'd tell each other everything?
Neal Schweiber: Yeah.
Bill Haverchuck: Did you mean it?
Neal Schweiber: Of course.
Bill Haverchuck: Even if it's something really, really horrible? I mean, it might not be horrible, 'cause it might not be true, but if it is true, it could be pretty horrible.
Neal Schweiber: Okay, Bill, you're killin' me. You gotta tell me now.

Bill Haverchuck: You know what would be cool, guys? To find a girl in a bottle, like - like "I Dream of Jeanie." I'd like to make out with her on that little couch.
Sam Weir: Yeah, Cindy would look good in those puffy pants.

Sam Weir: [to Neal] So, I told my mom that I was eating at your house, and Bill told his mom he was eating at my house, so that should give us some time.
Bill Haverchuck: When are we really gonna eat? I'm hungry.


"Freaks and Geeks: I'm with the Band (#1.6)" (1999)
Neal Schweiber: My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill Haverchuck: But you're not funny.
Neal Schweiber: Screw you. I'm hilarious!

Neal Schweiber: My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill Haverchuck: But, uh, you're not funny.
Neal Schweiber: Screw you, I'm hilarious!

Sam Weir: You look a little bit like my grandpa.
Bill Haverchuck: Oh, is your grandpa super cool?

Bill Haverchuck: This push-up is too hard to push up.


"Freaks and Geeks: Tricks and Treats (#1.3)" (1999)
Bill Haverchuck: If I were Bionic Woman, what would I wear?

Sam Weir: We're not adults. We're kids until we turn 18.
Neal Schweiber: Maybe you are, but when I hit 13, I became a man.
Bill Haverchuck: That's only in your temple, Neil, not in the real world.

Bill Haverchuck: [about his fake breasts, as the Bionic Woman for Halloween] No, these are not bionic. These are all me.

Alan White: [on Halloween, Bill is in costume] Shut up, you little girl.
Bill Haverchuck: I'm not a little girl, I'm a bionic woman.


"Freaks and Geeks: Girlfriends and Boyfriends (#1.8)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: She cut the cheese!

Bill Haverchuck: It wasn't the sound of the chair, it was the sound of cheese being cut!

Bill Haverchuck: Hurry up, I don't want to be late for Bio.
Neal Schweiber: Why? What is the big deal?
Bill Haverchuck: Well, yesterday, I was late... And everyone looked at me!

Bill Haverchuck: Cindy cut the cheese.
Neal Schweiber: Oh my god!
Sam Weir: Shut up.
Bill Haverchuck: I'm serious. She blamed it on the chair.
Sam Weir: Well, what kind of chair was it?
Bill Haverchuck: I don't know. Vinyl?
Sam Weir: Vinyl chairs always squeak!
Bill Haverchuck: It wasn't the sound of vinyl squeaking. It was the sound of cheese being cut.


"Freaks and Geeks: Tests and Breasts (#1.5)" (1999)
Neal Schweiber: [Looking at the movie that Daniel has loned them] Whoa, its a naked woman!
Bill Haverchuck: What's she doing?
Neal Schweiber: Who cares, she's naked!

Bill Haverchuck: We could've made our own porno by now.

Bill Haverchuck: I don't like jokes. I don't think they are funny.


"Freaks and Geeks: The Diary (#1.10)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: [prank calling] Fredericks? You're a turd. A stinky f-fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poop head. You love patting boys' butts. You love patting boys' butts. Butt... you butt-patter! You're a perv and a loser... and a stinky... t-turd!
[hangs up]

Sam Weir: Is this the best cereal you've got?
Neal Schweiber: I don't know. I never eat breakfast. I just have my coffee.
Bill Haverchuck: Before or after you shave?


"Freaks and Geeks: Looks and Books (#1.11)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: I heard my mom say to her girlfriend, "Any guy with feathered hair is foxy."

Neal Schweiber: [seeing Sam in the Parisian nightsuit] Oh, my God. I guess Elvis hasn't left the building.
Bill Haverchuck: Hey, don't make fun of him. That's a Parisian nightsuit, in case you didn't know.
Sam Weir: Hey, you guys...
Gordon Crisp: [interrupting] A Parisian? Ooh la la!
Neal Schweiber: No, no. It's a jumpsuit. My grandpa in Fort Lauderdale wears them all the time because he's too lazy to put on pants.


"Freaks and Geeks: Carded and Discarded (#1.7)" (2000)
Neal Schweiber: Had to bring the big rocket, didn't you?
Bill Haverchuck: What... I got a big rocket, what am I supposed to do, cut it in half?


"Freaks and Geeks: Pilot (#1.1)" (1999)
Sam Weir: My dad always tells me that the prettiest girls don't get asked out because guys are too afraid to ask them
Bill Haverchuck: Really? Maybe I should ask out Farrah Fawcett-Majors
Neal Schweiber: Hey, maybe I should ask out Bill's mom
Bill Haverchuck: You'd better not!


"Freaks and Geeks: Discos and Dragons (#1.18)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: He thinks being the Dungeon Master gives him the license to mess with our heads.
Harris Trinsky: Oh, I'm Sorry. Perhaps I should let you encounter kittens and grandmas so as not to upset you.


"Freaks and Geeks: Noshing and Moshing (#1.15)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: You cut me off mid-funk!


"Freaks and Geeks: The Little Things (#1.17)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: Mouse Trap! I win!
Neal Schweiber: Congratulations, Bill. Maybe you can get the school to start a team.