Bill Haverchuck
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Bill Haverchuck (Character)
from "Freaks and Geeks" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Freaks and Geeks: Beers and Weirs (#1.2)" (1999)
Sam Weir: What's non-alcoholic beer?
Bill Haverchuck: It's just like beer but it doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal Schweiber: Alcohol?
Bill Haverchuck: Yeah.

Bill Haverchuck: Hey, if Neal marries your sister, he'll be your brother-in-law. And if you have kids, Neal would be their Uncle Neal. And I bet Lindsay's kids will look like Neal.
Sam Weir: Bill, shut up.

Sam Weir: What's non-alcoholic beer?
Bill Haverchuck: It's just like beer, it just doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal Schweiber: ...Alcohol?
Bill Haverchuck: Yeah.

Sam Weir: What am I gonna say to Cindy?
Bill Haverchuck: Don't say anything. Be dominant. It's all, all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, if you talk to her first, it's a sign of weakness and she will not pick you to be her mate.
Sam Weir: Are you drunk?
Bill Haverchuck: I think so, yes I am.
Sam Weir: Aw, man, go into my room, lock the door, and don't drink any more.
Bill Haverchuck: [after Sam leaves] That's very dominant.

Neal Schweiber: Bill, Dallas sucks.
Bill Haverchuck: ...You suck. Dallas rules.

"Freaks and Geeks: The Garage Door (#1.12)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: Remember that time in science class when I tried to sneak out a fart but it came out a poop? And then I had to flush my undies down the toilet? Do you think I wanted to tell you guys that?

Neal Schweiber: So, I wake up this morning, and guess what is sitting on the end of my bed?
Bill Haverchuck: A turd?
Neal Schweiber: Yes, Bill, a turd.
Bill Haverchuck: Eww, gross!
Neal Schweiber: An Atari video set. Is my dad the coolest, or what? So, uh, shall we say Asteroids, my place, 3:30?
Bill Haverchuck: Yeah, if that's when you wanna get your butt kicked.

Bill Haverchuck: You remember when we said we'd tell each other everything?
Neal Schweiber: Yeah.
Bill Haverchuck: Did you mean it?
Neal Schweiber: Of course.
Bill Haverchuck: Even if it's something really, really horrible? I mean, it might not be horrible, 'cause it might not be true, but if it is true, it could be pretty horrible.
Neal Schweiber: Okay, Bill, you're killin' me. You gotta tell me now.

Bill Haverchuck: You know what would be cool, guys? To find a girl in a bottle, like - like "I Dream of Jeanie." I'd like to make out with her on that little couch.
Sam Weir: Yeah, Cindy would look good in those puffy pants.

Sam Weir: [to Neal] So, I told my mom that I was eating at your house, and Bill told his mom he was eating at my house, so that should give us some time.
Bill Haverchuck: When are we really gonna eat? I'm hungry.

"Freaks and Geeks: I'm with the Band (#1.6)" (1999)
Neal Schweiber: My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill Haverchuck: But you're not funny.
Neal Schweiber: Screw you. I'm hilarious!

Neal Schweiber: My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill Haverchuck: But, uh, you're not funny.
Neal Schweiber: Screw you, I'm hilarious!

Sam Weir: You look a little bit like my grandpa.
Bill Haverchuck: Oh, is your grandpa super cool?

Bill Haverchuck: This push-up is too hard to push up.

"Freaks and Geeks: Tricks and Treats (#1.3)" (1999)
Bill Haverchuck: If I were Bionic Woman, what would I wear?

Sam Weir: We're not adults. We're kids until we turn 18.
Neal Schweiber: Maybe you are, but when I hit 13, I became a man.
Bill Haverchuck: That's only in your temple, Neil, not in the real world.

Bill Haverchuck: [about his fake breasts, as the Bionic Woman for Halloween] No, these are not bionic. These are all me.

Alan White: [on Halloween, Bill is in costume] Shut up, you little girl.
Bill Haverchuck: I'm not a little girl, I'm a bionic woman.

"Freaks and Geeks: Girlfriends and Boyfriends (#1.8)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: She cut the cheese!

Bill Haverchuck: It wasn't the sound of the chair, it was the sound of cheese being cut!

Bill Haverchuck: Hurry up, I don't want to be late for Bio.
Neal Schweiber: Why? What is the big deal?
Bill Haverchuck: Well, yesterday, I was late... And everyone looked at me!

Bill Haverchuck: Cindy cut the cheese.
Neal Schweiber: Oh my god!
Sam Weir: Shut up.
Bill Haverchuck: I'm serious. She blamed it on the chair.
Sam Weir: Well, what kind of chair was it?
Bill Haverchuck: I don't know. Vinyl?
Sam Weir: Vinyl chairs always squeak!
Bill Haverchuck: It wasn't the sound of vinyl squeaking. It was the sound of cheese being cut.

"Freaks and Geeks: Tests and Breasts (#1.5)" (1999)
Neal Schweiber: [Looking at the movie that Daniel has loned them] Whoa, its a naked woman!
Bill Haverchuck: What's she doing?
Neal Schweiber: Who cares, she's naked!

Bill Haverchuck: We could've made our own porno by now.

Bill Haverchuck: I don't like jokes. I don't think they are funny.

"Freaks and Geeks: The Diary (#1.10)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: [prank calling] Fredericks? You're a turd. A stinky f-fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poop head. You love patting boys' butts. You love patting boys' butts. Butt... you butt-patter! You're a perv and a loser... and a stinky... t-turd!
[hangs up]

Sam Weir: Is this the best cereal you've got?
Neal Schweiber: I don't know. I never eat breakfast. I just have my coffee.
Bill Haverchuck: Before or after you shave?

"Freaks and Geeks: Looks and Books (#1.11)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: I heard my mom say to her girlfriend, "Any guy with feathered hair is foxy."

Neal Schweiber: [seeing Sam in the Parisian nightsuit] Oh, my God. I guess Elvis hasn't left the building.
Bill Haverchuck: Hey, don't make fun of him. That's a Parisian nightsuit, in case you didn't know.
Sam Weir: Hey, you guys...
Gordon Crisp: [interrupting] A Parisian? Ooh la la!
Neal Schweiber: No, no. It's a jumpsuit. My grandpa in Fort Lauderdale wears them all the time because he's too lazy to put on pants.

"Freaks and Geeks: Carded and Discarded (#1.7)" (2000)
Neal Schweiber: Had to bring the big rocket, didn't you?
Bill Haverchuck: What... I got a big rocket, what am I supposed to do, cut it in half?

"Freaks and Geeks: Pilot (#1.1)" (1999)
Sam Weir: My dad always tells me that the prettiest girls don't get asked out because guys are too afraid to ask them
Bill Haverchuck: Really? Maybe I should ask out Farrah Fawcett-Majors
Neal Schweiber: Hey, maybe I should ask out Bill's mom
Bill Haverchuck: You'd better not!

"Freaks and Geeks: Discos and Dragons (#1.18)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: He thinks being the Dungeon Master gives him the license to mess with our heads.
Harris Trinsky: Oh, I'm Sorry. Perhaps I should let you encounter kittens and grandmas so as not to upset you.

"Freaks and Geeks: Noshing and Moshing (#1.15)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: You cut me off mid-funk!

"Freaks and Geeks: The Little Things (#1.17)" (2000)
Bill Haverchuck: Mouse Trap! I win!
Neal Schweiber: Congratulations, Bill. Maybe you can get the school to start a team.