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Quotes for
Mr. Bill Stiffle (Character)
from The Chumscrubber (2005)

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The Chumscrubber (2005)
Dr. Bill Stiffle: How do you feel about the suicide of your best friend in the world?
Dean Stiffle: [pause] Real shitty.

Dean Stiffle: Dad, if you write about me again in another one of your stupid books, I'm going to kill you.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: Stupid? There are several major book chains around this country that will disagree with you on that point.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Mrs. Johnson suspects that Troy might have been selling drugs to some other kids at school.
Dean Stiffle: Yeah?
Dr. Bill Stiffle: How do you feel about that?
Dean Stiffle: I feel that it must have been unfulfilling for him.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: That's very interesting. Why do you say that?
Dean Stiffle: Because he killed himself.

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Dean, a young life was taken - and from the moment it happened, you ignored it like it was nothing! You didn't even tell any of the adults there at the party, could you explain that?
Dean Stiffle: I just didn't think that you guys would...
Dr. Bill Stiffle: What?
Dean Stiffle: Care!

Dr. Bill Stiffle: Dean, I know that Troy was your best friend.
Dean Stiffle: Actually, we weren't really friends. We hung out sometimes, that's all.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: Did you have a better friend than him?
Dean Stiffle: ...I don't really have any friends dad, you know that.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: Right, so strictly speaking, Troy was your best friend. And how do you feel about the suicide of *your* best friend? In the world?
Dean Stiffle: Real shitty.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: Come on, son. Make an effort for me?
Dean Stiffle: Dad, I told you before, I'm not all broken up about it! And I'm supposed to be? I'm just not.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: You're really not?
[Dean falls silent as Bill pulls out his notebook]
Dean Stiffle: ...No. Sorry, I...
Dr. Bill Stiffle: [Bill starts to write in his notebook] No, no. I understand how someone might respond like that.
Dean Stiffle: ...What are you writing? Dad, I thought we were just talking man-to-man, here...
Dr. Bill Stiffle: Just one second.
Dean Stiffle: Dad, if you write about me again in another one of your stupid books - I'm going to kill you.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: [Bill stops writing] Stupid? There are several major book chains around this country, that would disagree with you on that point.
Dean Stiffle: Alright, dad...
Dr. Bill Stiffle: The Happy Accident alone is going to pay your college tuition!
Dean Stiffle: Alright!
Dr. Bill Stiffle: Fine... Now let me ask you this, Dean. Mrs. Johnson suspects that Troy might have been selling drugs to some of the kids at school.
Dean Stiffle: Yeah?
Dr. Bill Stiffle: How do you feel about that?
Dean Stiffle: I feel that it must have been unfulfilling for him.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: That's very interesting. Why do you say that?
Dean Stiffle: Because he killed himself...

Officer Lou Bratley: Okay - so, now, you want to tell me about this fight at the mall?
Dean Stiffle: No. Not really, no.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: Dean, make an effort for me, please. I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for all this, officer.
Officer Lou Bratley: I'm all ears.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: Dean?
Dean Stiffle: ...The guy at the mall was Billy. He and the other two forced me to steal drugs from my friend, Troy.
Officer Lou Bratley: Troy? Who's this Troy?
Dean Stiffle: Troy Johnson. He's dead.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: He committed suicide, sir.
Officer Lou Bratley: I don't understand.
Dean Stiffle: I told them no, so to force me to do it, they kidnapped my brother.
Officer Lou Bratley: Wait a minute, are you kidding me? You got a son who's kidnapped?
Dean Stiffle: No, wait a second, listen. They got the wrong kid. And they said if I didn't get the stuff from Troy, they were going to kill him.
Officer Lou Bratley: Oh, you just said Troy, who's dead.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: He is, officer. Dean...?
Dean Stiffle: So I did it, only Charlie - my little brother, Charlie, switched the drugs on me. And I wound up with a bag of my mom's Veggie Force.
Officer Lou Bratley: Veggie Force?
Dr. Bill Stiffle: It's this vitamin line she hocks.
Officer Lou Bratley: Veggie Force! I know that stuff. Right, I know, Veggie Force, right. Okay. Yeah... you wouldn't happen to know if they make a weight gainer for kids?
Dr. Bill Stiffle: I can check I guess.
Dean Stiffle: ...Anyway, that's why we got in a fight. Cause he wouldn't let the kid go.
Officer Lou Bratley: Which kid?
Dean Stiffle: The kid who was kidnapped.
Officer Lou Bratley: Okay. I think I understand. You were fighting at the mall with a guy who's kidnapping and drug smuggling with a guy who killed himself.
Dean Stiffle: ...Yeah.

Officer Lou Bratley: Well, that's great Dean, you know? Only there doesn't happen to be any reports around here of any missing kids, so how do you explain that?
Dean Stiffle: I can't... I can't explain that.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: [Interrupting] Officer, can I...?
Officer Lou Bratley: Well, I mean, what's his name? This missing kid, this kidnapped kid, what's his name?
Dean Stiffle: He's called Charley.
Officer Lou Bratley: Charley what?
Dean Stiffle: Charley Br...
Dr. Bill Stiffle: [Interrupting again] Officer Bratley, could you step outside a minute, please? I'd like to talk to you in private.
Dean Stiffle: ...O-Officer Bratley?