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: How did you get her husband to talk? Jack Lawrence
: I head-butted him. Dale Putley
: How Joe Pesci of you. What are gonna do with her, run her tits through the Visa machine?
: Jack, look at this. Jack Lawrence
: It's money. I remember it from when I was single.
: For years I've thought about killing myself. It's the only thing that kept me going.
: Well, Scotty, you're boring. I liked you for a while, but now I can't stand looking at you. Even your voice makes me sick. Dale Putley
: That was lovely. Jack Lawrence
: Yes, Hallmark is waiting for you.
: What happened? Dale Putley
: He poured hot coffee all over my penis. Took my clothes and he ran away. Jack Lawrence
: Don't cry! Now where is he? Dale Putley
: I don't know. Jack Lawrence
: I don't like you.
: Do you have a boyfriend? Woman with broken car
: No! Dale Putley
: Good! Me neither!
: I stole that money. Jack Lawrence
: Okay. Scott
: From drug dealers. Dale Putley
: ARE YOU NUTS? Jack Lawrence
: Hey calm down! Take it easy! Scott just give it back to them. Scott
: I spent it. Jack Lawrence
: YOU SPENT IT? HE SPENT MONEY FROM DRUG DEALERS! Dale Putley
: Calm down, take it easy. Scott, you can't run from these guys. They'll find you. They'll come to your house, take all your money and then beat the shit out of you. Happened to me a few times.
: Do you know who I am? I am the cowboy with the Village People, Bob, if I don't get back there, it's just gonna be "Y-M-_-A!"
[Dale, Jack and Scott are at jail. Jack is paying the fines
] Jack Lawrence
: This is for my fine. This is for his fine. This is for the boy's fine. This is for getting the car out of the impound, and this is for the fabulous breakfast buffet we had this morning. Are eggs supposed to make noise when you eat them? Desk Seargent
: Very funny. Look, just stay out of trouble. Dale Putley
: See you next year at the reunion.
: How about crying again? You know, it might reach her maternal... thing. Dale Putley
: Cry? Just like that? Jack Lawrence
: You cried when we missed the exit! Dale Putley
: Don't mock me.
: I wrote this musical called "Hello, Doctor, it's Still Swollen." It had a great opening, went like this: "Hello Mr. Colon, my prostate's feelin' swollen. I think that things are flowin' not so well."
[Knock on the door
] Dale Putley
: Breakfast! "I'm feelin' kinda heinous cause there's something in my..." Waiter
[In Dale's car driving slowly over the Golden Gate Bridge
] Jack Lawrence
: Dale, I feel like I'm in a white Bronco. Dale Putley
: Sorry, I just get anxious driving over bridges. Jack Lawrence
: That's because you're going 20 miles per hour. Dale Putley
: I'm going 35 miles per hour, Jack! Jack Lawrence
: Yeah, I can feel the G-force.
: I'm an actor. A writer at large. I produce plays, things from my soul. But it's avant-garde, very experimental. Jack Lawrence
: You mean with guinea pigs?
: You're a tragic hero. You're Lou Gehrig. Dale Putley
: Who? Jack Lawrence
: Lou Gehrig. Everybody knows Lou Gehrig. The baseball player. He died of Lou Gehrig's Disease. Dale Putley
: Wow, what are the odds on that?
: You know what? Take my car. Dale Putley
: You're giving me your car, Jack? That's so Elvis of you. Jack Lawrence
: Not to keep. To take the airport. I'll have one of my interns pick it up in the morning. Dale Putley
: You want me driving your car? Jack Lawrence
: It's just a thing. It's a priceless, irreplaceable thing.
: I feel like such a loser. Dale Putley
: Come on, Scott, you're still young! Being a true loser takes years of ineptitude.
: [Screeches to a halt all of a sudden
] Could you see if there's someone lying in the road? Jack Lawrence
: [Looks back
] No, nothing there. Dale Putley
: There's not a body lying in the road? Jack Lawrence
: A what? Dale Putley
: A body. Jack Lawrence
: [Gets out of the car and looks all around. The car had stopped on a country road in the middle of nowhere
] No, nobody there. Dale Putley
: I often think that I've run someone over.
: Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love. Lee
: No, all we need is money, mate.
: [Rehearsing his introduction to Scott
] You know, Scott, when I was your age I was pulling on myself harder than a tractor pulling Arkansas.
: How long have you been driving? Dale Putley
: About 30 years now. Jack Lawrence
: Oh? Listen these things take time. Brake! Brake!
[the front tires run right over the parking block
] Jack Lawrence
[Trying out different ways to greet his son
] Dale Putley
: [as a hippie
] Dude, I'm your old man. I suppose you're wondering why your middle name is Rainbow.
[as a thug
] Dale Putley
: Yo son, what's up, homes?
[as a New Age adept
] Dale Putley
: I am your father. Hug me, and let us join our spirits.
: $5,000 in cash. What is he doing with $5,000 in cash? Jack Lawrence
: He stole it. Dale Putley
: Why do you always jump to the worst possible conclusion? Jack Lawrence
: Okay, he won it in a hair-whirl contest.
: What do you do for a living? Dale Putley
: Uh, I teach English as a third language at the Jewish Community Center.
] "Gray skies are gonna clear up, sit on a happy..."
: Come on Jack Jack Lawrence
: Whoa, where are you going? Dale Putley
: Kick some ass
: Have you ever been married, Mr. Trabucco? Trabucco
: Once but I got rid of her. Now I just lease.
: Are you from L.A.? Trabucco
: Not necessarily.
: Do me a favor. Clooney
: Yes ? Trabucco
: Fuck off.
: I'm not against a little cleavage, if it's done in good taste, but nipples are a definite no-no. Trabucco
: What's the matter, everyone's got them. Clooney
: Not in primetime.
: When are you leaving? Clooney
: I can't leave, I'm wanted. Trabucco
: Not by me.
: Here I am, almost didn't make it. Trabucco
: Almost doesn't count.
: Go sign the duplicate and come back after lunch. Clooney
: I'm not having lunch. Receptionist
: Well I am.
: Do you know a woman has 89 erogenous zones on her body. Clooney
: [Counts up to 3 on fingers
] . Who says that?
: We've been together 12 years. Celia Clooney
: 12 years - as long as that! Clooney
: Well maybe they weren't great years but there were good weeks here and there.
: You heard me: fuck off. Clooney
: Father, you said the F word!
: What else did you tell him? That I cheat on crossword puzzles? I steal sugar in restaurants? That I wet my bed 'til I was eleven? Celia Clooney
: No, Victor, believe me, I never mentioned that. Dr. Hugo Zuckerbrot
: A bed-wetter... Aha! That explains everything!
: [after hanging up the phone
] That was your sister. Pierre Brochant
: I don't have a sister. François Pignon
: [appears confused
] Really? I asked her who she was, and she said "His sister". Pierre Brochant
: [incredously to himself
] He called Marlène! François Pignon
: She's not your sister? Pierre Brochant
: That's her name! Hissister! Marlène Hissister!
: Sometimes I feel like you're really taking me for an imbecile.
: Are you the one who was supposed to be dining with him tonight? François Pignon
: Yes, how did you know? Did he talk about me? Christine Brochant
: Yes, but even without that, I would have recognized you.
] François Pignon
] I'll call her back, everything will work out! Pierre Brochant
: You idiot! What an idiot!
: Do you sleep with all your editors? Pierre Brochant
: None of your damn business!
: You're asking me to come out of a closet I've never been in!
: You're completely uninteresting.
Belone, the neighbour
: So what's wrong? François Pignon
: I'm about to get fired. Belone, the neighbour
: Well, we can avoid that. François Pignon
: How? Belone, the neighbour
: Come out of the closet. François Pignon
: I'm not gay! Belone, the neighbour
: Does that matter?
: A man comes home to watch T.V. It's not normal.