Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable
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Quotes for
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable (Character)
from "The Cosby Show" (1984)

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"The Cosby Show: Pilot (#1.1)" (1984)
Cliff: I love you, son.
Theo: Yeah, Dad, I know.
Cliff: Yeah, and maybe your mother loves you too.

[Theo has received a "D" and is explaining why he should not be punished]
Theo: You're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, and you're both successful in everything and that's great! But maybe I was born to be a regular person and have a regular life. If you weren't a doctor, I wouldn't love you less, because you're my dad. So rather than feeling disappointed because I'm not like you, maybe you should accept who I am and love me anyway, because I'm your son.
Cliff: Theo... that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out!

Theo: [upon being woken up] Come on, Dad, five more minutes... Four? Three?
Cliff: Is this an auction?

Theo: But I'm not going to college.
Cliff: Damn right!

"The Cosby Show: Physician of the Year (#1.15)" (1985)
Theo: Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!
Cliff: Well, use the one downstairs.
Theo: The small one? That's for guests!
Cliff: Well, pretend you don't live here!

Theo: Dad, it's not fair!
Cliff: What do you mean, it's not fair? There's two men living in a house with 4 women. We're lucky we have a gas station around the corner!

[Theo comes out with a huge amount of shaving cream on his face]
Cliff: [chortling] Just promise me you won't lose the razor in there.
Theo: I put on too much, didn't I?
Cliff: Oh, no. Sometimes I use three to four cans myself.

"The Cosby Show: Denise's Friend (#2.11)" (1985)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [pointing to Theo] All right, say you're pregnant.
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: ME?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: YOU'RE pregnant. What are you going to do?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: First I wanna know who did it.

Cliff: What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?
Theo: If I was pregnant? First of all I'd want to find out who did it?
Cliff: But what if you couldn't find out who did it. Then what would you do?
Theo: I don't know?
Cliff: Your mother and I want you to know that you can always come to us when you have a problem.

Cliff: What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?
Theo: If I was pregnant? First of all I'd want to find out who did it?
Cliff: But what if you couldn't find out who did it. Then what would you do?
Theo: I'd go to one of my friends.
Cliff: You mean that you would go to Cockroach rather than us your parents?

"The Cosby Show: It's All in the Game (#7.5)" (1990)
Cliff: You know what we're gonna do? When Rudy gets her driver's license, you and I are gonna go down to the salvage dump. We're gonna pick out the worst, bashed, smashed-looking thing that still runs and we're gonna let her drive it. That way if anybody hits her, it'll be an improvement.
Theo: I know how you feel, Dad.
Clair: No, you don't.
[Cliff starts laughing]
Theo: Hey, I can appreciate the pressures both of you are under. And if you ask me, I think y'all doing a bang up job.
Clair: Theo, shut up.

Theo: Dad, all those stories we've come to find out are not true.
Cliff: What? What? Who said? From who?
Theo, Denise, Vanessa, Rudy: Grandpa!
Cliff: You're going to believe a man that age?

Theo: You guys act like you don't do some bad things to us, you know.
Clair: I would like to know what we ever asked you to do except hang up your clothes before they take root.
[the kids start screaming in frustration]
Cliff: We're not being paid to look after you all! And there's not a check big enough to take care of you!

"The Cosby Show: How Ugly Is He? (#1.9)" (1984)
David James: See, I've been reading Socrates and he believed that true learning comes from just observing the world.
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Where can I get that book?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: You don't read son.
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Well, maybe there's a movie about it.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: [after listening to Denise's boyfriend philosophize] But Dad, what does homework really mean?
Cliff: It'll mean a lot of pain if you don't do it.

"The Cosby Show: Independence Day (#1.14)" (1985)
[Theo is wearing an unplugged set of headphones to cover a pierced ear]
Cliff: Son?
Theo: Yeah, Dad?
Cliff: There's no music coming through the headset. You still bopping to what's left of your brain?

Theo: [Cliff has just made Theo come into his office where he is examining Theo's ear for infection] Hey dad, can we go somewhere else? This place is for pregnant women...

"The Cosby Show: Goodbye, Mr. Fish (#1.2)" (1984)
Theo: He's a minister Dad. He'll tell God we're crazy!

Theo: [giving Rudy's dead goldfish to Cliff] I closed his eyes for you.

"The Cosby Show: A Shirt Story (#1.5)" (1984)
Clair: Theo, wear a jacket.
Theo: And cover my Itchy Amorada?

Denise Huxtable Kendall: [Theo's complaining about the shirt fitting horribly] Well maybe if you tuck it in a little...
Theo: [through gritted teeth] It's tucked into my socks!

"The Cosby Show: Jitterbug Break (#1.16)" (1985)
[Cliff picks up something strange from Theo's desk and stares at it]
Theo: I don't know what it is Dad, but I can't throw it away until I find out.

[Denise asks Theo if she can borrow some money for a concert]
Theo: Hey, if Dad lets you go, I'll give you five hundred dollars.
Denise: You don't have five hundred dollars!
Theo: Do I look worried?

"The Cosby Show: I'm 'In' with the 'In' Crowd (#6.3)" (1989)
Clair Hanks Huxtable: When do you feel this pressure?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Every now and then.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: This is not about pressure. Vanessa got drunk because she and her friends were bored, although they had television, VCR, video cassettes, audio cassettes, books...
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: And each other.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Thank you.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: That they call on the phone every five minutes when they're away, yet somehow they were bored together.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: So you see, Vanessa wasn't feeling any pressure from us. The only pressure she felt was from the people she was with.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Because of what you two have accomplished, the world expects a lot more from us than from other kids.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: And that's our fault?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Think about it, you're a doctor, Mom's a lawyer, that's a lot of pressure.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Theo, we never said become a doctor, become a lawyer, we say go to school, we say study, we say become something.

"The Cosby Show: Theo's Dirty Laundry (#6.21)" (1990)
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Now, when I left here yesterday, it was under some strain, and we all said some things we didn't mean.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Not me.
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: But, it's all over now, and I'm sure we're all big enough to apologize!
Clair Hanks Huxtable: NOT ME!

Clair Hanks Huxtable: When are you gonna get it, Theo? This is not about living with Justine. This is about doing something behind our backs and then lying to us about what it is you're doing!
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: I'm sorry.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Yesterday, you said your mother and I were controlling you with our money and that you and Justine were gonna go on and live your own lives. Now, did you ever stop to think what would happen if we said you couldn't come back here?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: No.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Of course, you didn't! Because we're your 'safety net'! You go out, you mess up, you listen to our lecture, and then you go out and you mess up again! Well, Theo, I have had enough. I do not have the strength to keep letting you come back into this house.

"The Cosby Show: And So, We Commence (#8.24)" (1992)
Kenny: [touches the door bell] Dang! Your father still working on the door bell, huh?
Theo: Yes, I guess he is. Come in, Kenny.
Kenny: [gives him a present] Happy graduation.
Theo: What is it?
Kenny: Open it.
Theo: [sits down on the sofa and opens it] Kenny, these are tube socks. They come in six pairs.
Kenny: Actually, five.
[shows his sox]
Kenny: I'll go get some tape to fix that door bell. We don't want our guests getting possessed. Walks out the door and closes it behind him.
Theo: Okay.
Theo: Dad, you invited Kenny? I told you there are no more tickets.
Cliff: Aw, come on, Theo. Kenny is like a mother or sister... he's like the brother you never had.
Theo: There's too much people and there's not enough tickets.
Cliff: If there's not enough, then uninvite him.
Theo: But the boy gave me tube socks.
Cliff: Well, then give him a ticket.

"The Cosby Show: Father's Day (#1.13)" (1984)
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: [about the silly Miami necktie he bought Cliff for Father's Day] And, Dad, sorry about that tie.
Cliff: [holding a ridiculous tie he got for Father's Day] It's ok, son. Somewhere out there I'm sure there's a suit that goes with this tie. *But don't get the suit!*

"The Cosby Show: The Storyteller (#6.26)" (1990)
Aunt Gramtee: Rudy, I hear your performance at school is slipping. Now you straighten up and fly right.
Rudy Huxtable: Yes ma'am.
Aunt Gramtee: [Theo laughs] Theo...
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Gramtee! I'm doing my best. But I have a learning disability.
Aunt Gramtee: Well you STILL have to work hard.
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Yes ma'am.

"The Cosby Show: That's Not What I Said (#4.6)" (1987)
Theo: Hey dad. Am I really in that much trouble?
Cliff: Let me tell you something. Your mother and I go into the kitchen. You can go out and get in MY car. You can drive BACKWARDS to Coney Island, run over the hot dog man and TWO stop signs and you won't be in any more trouble than you are in now.

"The Cosby Show: The Prom (#4.22)" (1988)
Justine Phillips: [as Theo approaches Justine after receiving Cliff's car keys and money, Justine is Angry at Theo about the Prom Night she had] Please, I have a lot of things inside of me that I want to say to you, but I can't because I'm inside of this house, Thank you and good night Dr. and Mrs. Huxtable.
Theo: [as the girls leave the house] I've been here before.

"The Cosby Show: Dance Mania (#4.10)" (1987)
Theo: [in response to seeing Cockroach dancing on TV with Tina Hunter] I don't need to look at some idiot box to have a good time!

"The Cosby Show: Theo and the Joint (#1.17)" (1985)
Theo: This is my dad.
Anthony Braxton: Hello, Mr. Huxtable.
Theo: Dr. Huxtable! Dad, this is Anthony Braxton.
Cliff: What name do you really go by?
Anthony Braxton: I'm The Enforcer.
Cliff: I'm The Dad!

"The Cosby Show: Theo's Holiday (#2.22)" (1986)
[Theo only has $200 to furnish his "apartment" in the "Real World"]
Theo: [looking around Amanda's Furniture City] Everything's so expensive. What do I do?
Clair Huxtable: Honey, did you come here for advice or for furniture? Now look, time is money. What you have got to do is figure out exactly what it is that you need.
Theo: I *need* it all.
Clair Huxtable: Yes, but you are not going to get it for $200, but you are in luck. Because here at Furniture City, we accept all major credit cards.
Theo: I don't have any credit cards.
Clair Huxtable: You are in luck, because here at Furniture City, we accept personal checks.
Theo: I don't have any personal checks.
Clair Huxtable: [the saleswoman smile leaves her face] Then *you* are about to *leave* Furniture City.

"The Cosby Show: First Day of School (#2.1)" (1985)
Cliff: [noticing the short sleeve sweatshirt that Theo's wearing] Son?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Yeah, dad?
Cliff: Is that the shirt that I bought for you?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Yep.
Cliff: Well, didn't it have sleeves on it when we bought it?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Oh yeah, they're upstairs.
Cliff: Oh, the sleeves didn't want to come down this morning?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: No, you see dad, I cut 'em off. This is how everybody's wearing it this year.
Cliff: Son, when we went to the store, you picked up that shirt and said "Dad. I gotta have this shirt for the first day of school." And I looked at the price of it, and I said "This is very expensive for a sweatshirt". Then I looked in those brown eyes of yours and I said "Well, my son wants it, and I'll buy it for him." Now if fashion dictates that you cut those sleeves off, make some alterations, that's fine with me. But somehow, some way, in this lifetime, you're going to wear those sleeves.

"The Cosby Show: Monster Man Huxtable (#3.13)" (1987)
Theo: I just wish that I had a great big brother.
Elvin Tibideaux: Well, the way things are going between Sondra and I you just might end up with a great big brother-in-law.
Theo: Are you serious?
Elvin Tibideaux: Arrrr!