Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable
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Quotes for
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable (Character)
from "The Cosby Show" (1984)

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"The Cosby Show: Pilot (#1.1)" (1984)
Clair: Cliff, why do we have four children?
Cliff: Because we did not want five.

Cliff: Theo, your mother asked me to come up here and kill you.

Cliff: I love you, son.
Theo: Yeah, Dad, I know.
Cliff: Yeah, and maybe your mother loves you too.

[Theo has received a "D" and is explaining why he should not be punished]
Theo: You're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, and you're both successful in everything and that's great! But maybe I was born to be a regular person and have a regular life. If you weren't a doctor, I wouldn't love you less, because you're my dad. So rather than feeling disappointed because I'm not like you, maybe you should accept who I am and love me anyway, because I'm your son.
Cliff: Theo... that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out!

[after Theo tells Cliff to love him for who he really is when failing his classes]
Cliff: Theo.
[short pause]
Cliff: That's got to be the dumbest thing I ever heard!

Theo: [upon being woken up] Come on, Dad, five more minutes... Four? Three?
Cliff: Is this an auction?

Heathcliff Huxtable: And you're going to do it because I said so! I am your father!

Theo: But I'm not going to college.
Cliff: Damn right!

Heathcliff Huxtable: Where are you going?
Denise Huxtable Kendall: I have a date, Daddy.
Heathcliff Huxtable: [referring to the belt on her leg] Uh, not like that, blood cannot get up to your brain from there! And besides, it's a school night.
Denise Huxtable Kendall: It's Friday, Daddy.
Heathcliff Huxtable: Yeah, but did you go to school today?
Denise Huxtable Kendall: Yeah...
Heathcliff Huxtable: And so it's a "school night".

Vanessa Huxtable: Dad, Denise pushed us out of the bathroom and wouldn't let me rinse the soap out of Rudy's eyes like Mom said and now Rudy might be blinded for life! If she is, can we get a dog?
Cliff: No, but I'll tell you what, you can *walk* your sister... down to my room and get her cleaned up!

[knock on the bedroom door during a tender moment]
Cliff: Who is it?
[Vanessa and Rudy enter]
Cliff: No, no, no. When I say, "Who is it?", it doesn't mean for you to come in. When I say, "Who is it?", you say who it is.
[the girls retreat, close the door, and knock again]
Cliff: Who is it?
Vanessa Huxtable: [from beyond the door] Who it is!

Boyfriend in Pilot Episode: [points to his ear] Are you looking at my ear?
Cliff: No, I was looking at the earring in it.

Cliff: The boy told me he wants to be "regular people" when in fact what he is is "lazy" people. And if the regular people find out he's using their name, they're gonna come and kick his butt!


"The Cosby Show: It's All in the Game (#7.5)" (1990)
Olivia Kendall: Are you still angry?
Cliff: Yes! You know you're not supposed to touch any machines in this house.
Olivia Kendall: I'm sorry. I'll never touch another machine in here. I'll pay for the repairs out my allowance.
Cliff: Do you know just how much it's going to cost to fix the washing machine? A bazillion dollars.
Olivia Kendall: I have a bazillion dollars in my bank account
Cliff: No, you don't.
Olivia Kendall: [Olivia gives Cliff a big raspberry on the side of his cheek]

Cliff: You know what we're gonna do? When Rudy gets her driver's license, you and I are gonna go down to the salvage dump. We're gonna pick out the worst, bashed, smashed-looking thing that still runs and we're gonna let her drive it. That way if anybody hits her, it'll be an improvement.
Theo: I know how you feel, Dad.
Clair: No, you don't.
[Cliff starts laughing]
Theo: Hey, I can appreciate the pressures both of you are under. And if you ask me, I think y'all doing a bang up job.
Clair: Theo, shut up.

Clair: [discussing the "joys" of being a parent] How about getting in the car to go to work and discovering that your daughter's understanding of the word "empty" means, "I'll just park the car over here and Mom will fill it up?"
Cliff: How about leaving the car radio on, so that both of us have a heart attack last time? You left the thing up so loud, your mother's hair went straight up!

Theo: Dad, all those stories we've come to find out are not true.
Cliff: What? What? Who said? From who?
Theo, Denise, Vanessa, Rudy: Grandpa!
Cliff: You're going to believe a man that age?

Theo: You guys act like you don't do some bad things to us, you know.
Clair: I would like to know what we ever asked you to do except hang up your clothes before they take root.
[the kids start screaming in frustration]
Cliff: We're not being paid to look after you all! And there's not a check big enough to take care of you!

Denise: [talking about Theo's bad baseball experience] Okay, so it took a little time. What's the big deal?
Cliff: Right! No big deal! Now there's the key. You guys always say things like "no big deal." Some of the greatest lies ever told by you kids - "No big deal." "I forgot." "I'll pay you back later." "It was like that when I found it. I swear, Mom, Dad..."
Cliff, Clair: It was like that when I found it.
Vanessa: [about the car she crashed] Mom, Dad, I just want to say that I'm really sorry.
Clair: Please add that to the list. "I'm really sorry."
Cliff: Yes, and the other one that's key - "What are you doing home so early?"


"The Cosby Show: I'm 'In' with the 'In' Crowd (#6.3)" (1989)
Clair Hanks Huxtable: When do you feel this pressure?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Every now and then.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: This is not about pressure. Vanessa got drunk because she and her friends were bored, although they had television, VCR, video cassettes, audio cassettes, books...
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: And each other.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Thank you.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: That they call on the phone every five minutes when they're away, yet somehow they were bored together.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: So you see, Vanessa wasn't feeling any pressure from us. The only pressure she felt was from the people she was with.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Because of what you two have accomplished, the world expects a lot more from us than from other kids.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: And that's our fault?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Think about it, you're a doctor, Mom's a lawyer, that's a lot of pressure.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Theo, we never said become a doctor, become a lawyer, we say go to school, we say study, we say become something.

Vanessa Huxtable: [hung over] Daddy, my head, my stomach, please, can you give me something?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Nothing I can give you kid, there's no cure for this.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [Vanessa breaks the rhythm on the alphabet game on L] I'll tell you what, you're in a L of a jam now. Whoever loses the fourth round has to drink four drinks.

[last lines]
Vanessa Huxtable: [takes the shot glass up to her mouth, scrunches up her face, and drinks. she expects to taste bourbon, but... ]
[as her face relaxes]
Vanessa Huxtable: this is tea...
Rudy Huxtable, Clair Hanks Huxtable, Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Gotcha!


"The Cosby Show: Bad Dreams (#1.3)" (1984)
Vanessa Huxtable: I was just hurrying her along.
Cliff: That's fine, she's only five years old right now but she IS going to grow up and she may get into body building. And then track you down and say 'remember all the times you pushed me around?' and clean your clock.

Cliff: [looks at something Vanessa's cooking] Smells good, looks almost done, what is it?
Vanessa Huxtable: Coffee.

Vanessa Huxtable: How come Mom took Teddy to see Deathtrap 2000 and not me?
Cliff: Because you can't handle scary things. Everybody knows it, I know it, you know it. When you were little I read you Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and can't find them, you cried for a week!

Cliff: [to Vanessa] Do you have a night job that I don't know about, or are you a truck driver? What're you doing with coffee?

Cliff: Did you call your sister a baby?
Rudy Huxtable: No, I called her a baby chicken!


"The Cosby Show: First Day of School (#2.1)" (1985)
[the phone rings]
Cliff: Oh, not another Vanessa caller.
[Answers]
Cliff: Vanessa's Residence? No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it is now 10:05, and she cannot take any calls past 10 o'clock. No, I cannot take a message. I am her father. I am a doctor. I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.

Clair Hanks Huxtable: [discussing who should wake the children up on this first day of school] Cliff it's you're turn. I got them up on the last day of school
Cliff: The last day of school? All you did was go out into the hallway and yell "LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!" and children next door were jumping out of bed.

Cliff: [noticing the short sleeve sweatshirt that Theo's wearing] Son?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Yeah, dad?
Cliff: Is that the shirt that I bought for you?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Yep.
Cliff: Well, didn't it have sleeves on it when we bought it?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Oh yeah, they're upstairs.
Cliff: Oh, the sleeves didn't want to come down this morning?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: No, you see dad, I cut 'em off. This is how everybody's wearing it this year.
Cliff: Son, when we went to the store, you picked up that shirt and said "Dad. I gotta have this shirt for the first day of school." And I looked at the price of it, and I said "This is very expensive for a sweatshirt". Then I looked in those brown eyes of yours and I said "Well, my son wants it, and I'll buy it for him." Now if fashion dictates that you cut those sleeves off, make some alterations, that's fine with me. But somehow, some way, in this lifetime, you're going to wear those sleeves.

Cliff: [trying to trick the kids into waking up] Last day of school!
[nothing happens]

Rudy Huxtable: [First lines; Rudy has walked into her parents bedroom, finding them asleep; she climbs up on the bed and begins to lightly jump on her father's side, trying to wake him up] Daddy?
Cliff: [groggily] I thought I told you to knock before you come in here!
Rudy Huxtable: I didn't want to wake you.


"The Cosby Show: Halloween (#2.6)" (1985)
[it's Halloween]
Cliff: Why don't we just call it what it is: begging!

[talking about Vanessa]
Clair Hanks Huxtable: I remember when she wouldn't even let a boy get next to her.
Cliff: That's right. And now that's MY job.

Cliff: [Rudy comes downstairs in a pumpkin costume] Whoa, where're you going? To a wedding?
Rudy Huxtable: No, trick-or-treating!
Cliff: Trick-or-treating? What's that?
Rudy Huxtable: Where you dress up and get candy.
Cliff: Well when did that start?
Rudy Huxtable: When I was 3.

Cliff: [in a weird costume Rudy put together for him] Don't tell anybody who I am.

Cliff: [getting the kids ready for Trick-or-treating] And do you have a song while go out there?
Rudy Huxtable, Katie, Peter Chiara: [singing in unison; as the sitcom audience laughs] Trick or treat, smell my feet/ Give me something good to eat!/ If you don't, I don't care/ I'll pull down your underwear!
[a short pause]
Cliff: [bluntly] I don't think that's an appropriate song.


"The Cosby Show: Nightmare on Stigwood Avenue (#7.21)" (1991)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: You are so rude, in fact, that's how you got your name. Rude-e, Rude-e, Rude-e.

Olivia Kendall: These are blackberries, I wanted blueberries!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: But dear, we searched all over the country and we couldn't find any.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Cliff, you didn't try Canada... no, didn't I say, I told you try Canada but 'ooooh no, just give the child blackberries, she'll never know the difference'. Well she did, Cliff and now you're in trouble.
Olivia Kendall: No, you're both in trouble. As far as I'm concerned you should both go jump in the lake.

Rudy Huxtable: You have a date? Olivia, you're only 5!
Olivia Kendall: Don't push it Rudy! Dr. Huxtable says I'm very mature for my age.
[Cliff enters]
Rudy Huxtable: Dad, Olivia's going on a date?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Yeah, why not? She's very mature for her age.

Rudy Huxtable: [Olivia's going on a date] Doesn't she have a curfew?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Well of course she does.
[to Olivia]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Now when would you *like* to get back?
Olivia Kendall: Tuesday.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Okay then, Tuesday is the curfew.


"The Cosby Show: Denise's Friend (#2.11)" (1985)
Denise Huxtable Kendall: Remember when I spent the night at Janet's house a few weeks ago? Well I didn't spend the night at Janet's I spent the night at Tommy Watkins.
Vanessa Huxtable: YOU WHAT?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: How - how come Mr. and Mrs. Watkins did tell us?
Denise Huxtable Kendall: They were on vacation.
Vanessa Huxtable: They were?
Denise Huxtable Kendall: We didn't do anything, just listened to some records.
[pause]
Denise Huxtable Kendall: Are you angry?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Ask your mother.
Denise Huxtable Kendall: Mom, are you angry?
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Oh no, I'm not angry... I'm MAD!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [pointing to Theo] All right, say you're pregnant.
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: ME?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: YOU'RE pregnant. What are you going to do?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: First I wanna know who did it.

Cliff: What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?
Theo: If I was pregnant? First of all I'd want to find out who did it?
Cliff: But what if you couldn't find out who did it. Then what would you do?
Theo: I don't know?
Cliff: Your mother and I want you to know that you can always come to us when you have a problem.

Cliff: What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?
Theo: If I was pregnant? First of all I'd want to find out who did it?
Cliff: But what if you couldn't find out who did it. Then what would you do?
Theo: I'd go to one of my friends.
Cliff: You mean that you would go to Cockroach rather than us your parents?


"The Cosby Show: Jitterbug Break (#1.16)" (1985)
Cliff: A long, long time ago, three to four generations ago, parents didn't talk much to their children. At four A.M, the father would come home, look at his son sleeping, wake him up and say "Boy, go out and plough the field now". And the boy would rub his eye and say "Yes, pa". And occasionally, the son would ask the father how much he'd get paid. And the father grabbed the plough, and ran over his son. Those days are over, because we have become more civilized, more sophisticated, but it's still inside of me no matter how sophisticated I get. And it grows over time. Boy, when I say to one of my children to do something and they say "How much does it pay?", I think I'm going to buy a plough.

Denise: Dad, I'd like permission to sleep away from home tonight.
Cliff: Ok, are you going to sleep at a friend's house?
Denise: No.
Cliff: Are you going to sleep at a stranger's house?

[Denise has asked Cliff to sleep on 32nd St for tickets to a concert. Cliff is laughing]
Cliff: 32nd St. Where?
Denise: On 32nd St... itself.
Cliff: Why, have you volunteered to be a pothole?

[Denise has unsuccessfully tried to get permission from Cliff to sleep on 32nd St]
Cliff: You're not going. I love you. You're not going.
Denise: You said you would have an open mind.
Cliff: 32nd St closed it up, dear.


"The Cosby Show: The Dentist (#2.16)" (1986)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: There's no woman in here.
Dr. Burns: No, just me.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: And you're not pregnant either!
Dr. Burns: Not now, no.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [Claire's going on about a story in the paper about water conservation] Claire, did you see this story?
Clair Hanks Huxtable: What is it?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: 'Man dies because wife won't let him sleep!'

Dr. Burns: Monday you come see me.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: No, Monday's no good.
Dr. Burns: Tuesday?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: No, Tuesday's even tighter than Monday.
Dr. Burns: How loose is Wednesday?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: No, Wednesday's no good either.
Dr. Burns: Would you consider Feezle day?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: No because Feezle Day we take the children out to see the Feezles.


"The Cosby Show: Physician of the Year (#1.15)" (1985)
Theo: Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!
Cliff: Well, use the one downstairs.
Theo: The small one? That's for guests!
Cliff: Well, pretend you don't live here!

Theo: Dad, it's not fair!
Cliff: What do you mean, it's not fair? There's two men living in a house with 4 women. We're lucky we have a gas station around the corner!

[Theo comes out with a huge amount of shaving cream on his face]
Cliff: [chortling] Just promise me you won't lose the razor in there.
Theo: I put on too much, didn't I?
Cliff: Oh, no. Sometimes I use three to four cans myself.


"The Cosby Show: How Ugly Is He? (#1.9)" (1984)
Denise Huxtable: So, Daddy, how do you like David?
Cliff: I don't know if that's him. He hasn't found himself yet.

David James: See, I've been reading Socrates and he believed that true learning comes from just observing the world.
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Where can I get that book?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: You don't read son.
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: Well, maybe there's a movie about it.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: [after listening to Denise's boyfriend philosophize] But Dad, what does homework really mean?
Cliff: It'll mean a lot of pain if you don't do it.


"The Cosby Show: Theo and the Joint (#1.17)" (1985)
Theo: This is my dad.
Anthony Braxton: Hello, Mr. Huxtable.
Theo: Dr. Huxtable! Dad, this is Anthony Braxton.
Cliff: What name do you really go by?
Anthony Braxton: I'm The Enforcer.
Cliff: I'm The Dad!

Vanessa: [trying to find out why Theo is in trouble] Theo left early for school today. He seemed to be in a hurry.
Cliff: Oh, yeah?
Vanessa: It's a shame what happened.
Cliff: Yeah.
Vanessa: And to think it would happen in *this* house!
Cliff: That was the part that bothered me the most.
Vanessa: What did you say to Theo when you found out?
Cliff: Well, you know me... so, that's what I said.
Vanessa: And what did Theo say?
Cliff: The only thing he could say.
Vanessa: Oh.
Cliff: What would *you* have done in that situation?
Vanessa: I would have had him come to me!
Cliff: Well, I thought about that but I know how much you don't like to get into other people's business.
Vanessa: [sighs] Yeah.
Cliff: Have a good day at school, dear.

Cliff: [Clair found a joint in Theo's book and jumps to conclusions] We don't even know if it is Theo's and you're already sending the boy to Turkey.


"The Cosby Show: Denise Drives (#2.8)" (1985)
[Cliff is meeting with a older couple, Mr. and Mrs. Kenton. Mr. Kenton appears to be in his 50's, Mrs. Kenton in late 40's]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: I wanted to meet with you about the results of your test.
Mr. Kenton: Everything's all right, isn't it, Doctor?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Everything's fine...
[turns to Mrs. Kenton]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: you're pregnant!
Mr. Kenton: [perplexed] How did it happen?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Well, you see, there were these two bees...

Mr. Kenton: I do know how it
[the pregnancy]
Mr. Kenton: happened, I just didn't know I could make it happen!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: The human male is quite capable well into his seventies and, for some, beyond.
Mrs. Kenton: [stunned, looking at her husband] We're going to have a baby...
[both turn to look at Cliff]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Well, I didn't do it!

Mr. Kenton: Donnie is going to have a baby brother or sister!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Donnie is your son?
Mr. Kenton: He's 26! He has a son five!
Mrs. Kenton: Our child is going to be younger than our grandchild!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [trying to be reassuring] Yes, the child will be... younger than the grandchild, but... it's OK, because... the two of you... will be older than... everybody!


"The Cosby Show: Together Again and Again (#5.1)" (1988)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Theo. Get Away. I figured it out now. I got it all figured out. See, for 23 years we've had children in this house. And for 23 years you and I have had constant battles with these people. And the question has always been WHAT were we fighting about. And now I know. It's about the house. They want the house. It is believable that this boy deliberately did not mail that envelope so that when he went down there were no room and he would have to come back HERE and live. It is believable that Denise does not want to go to college anymore because she wants to live HERE. It is believable that this young man and this woman living in a condemned place on purpose have this baby to make us feel sorry for them so they can come back HERE. Now the other two haven't started their game yet because legally they're supposed to stay here. Now you and I have been beaten everytime we've gone to battle. And I'm telling you now, darling. I'm old. And you're old, too, Clair. And I think that you and I should just get on up and get outta here. Get in the car and just go. Let 'em have the house, honey. And unlike General MacArthur, we shall not return.

Denise Huxtable: I've decided to discontinue my college education.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Come again, young lady?
Denise Huxtable: I'm not going back to Hillman.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Wanna bet?

Denise Huxtable: And, who am I? An industrious young woman who wants to examine life without... pressure!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: And how much does that pay?


"The Cosby Show: Denise Kendall: Navy Wife (#6.4)" (1989)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: I am a doctor for women.
Olivia Kendall: What do you do with them?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: I deliver their babies.
Olivia Kendall: Deliver?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: When the woman has the baby inside of her, then I go in and I take it out.
Olivia Kendall: No you don't. Everybody knows that the stork brings the baby.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Who told you that?
Olivia Kendall: My daddy.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [unable to see that he is fighting a losing battle] Okay. Well, the stork puts the baby inside of the mother...
[Olivia shakes her head]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: ...and then I go in and I take it out.
Olivia Kendall: Ah aah. The stork brings the baby to the hospital and drops it in the bassinet.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: So you say that the baby is not inside the mummy?
[Olivia nods in agreement]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Then why is it that the mother gets real big?
Olivia Kendall: Because she eats a lot of food.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Now let me get this straight. You say that the stork carries over, puts the baby in the bassinet, and the mother is real big because she eats a lot of food?
Olivia Kendall: You got it.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: I see. Well, then why is it that the mother has to go to the hospital?
Olivia Kendall: The stork brings the baby to the hospital, drops it in the bassinet. The mummy goes to the hospital and gets it.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [not yet ready to admit defeat] If the stork does all that, why doesn't the stork just bring it to the mummy's house?
Olivia Kendall: [makes a gesture of impatience] Because it's too far. His wings will get tired.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Where does the stork get the babies from?
Olivia Kendall: Heaven.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Okay. There is a zillion skillion babies in Heaven. How does the stork know what baby goes with what mother?
Olivia Kendall: They are in a line. You know like you go to the baker and get a number.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [still not ready to admit defeat] Why when I put my hand on the mother I can feel things moving all around?
Olivia Kendall: That's not a baby.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: What is it?
Olivia Kendall: Gas.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [finally realizing he has lost] Well thank you for explaining it to me.
Olivia Kendall: You're welcome, but you still haven't told me what you do.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: I'm in charge of gas.


"The Cosby Show: Independence Day (#1.14)" (1985)
[Theo is wearing an unplugged set of headphones to cover a pierced ear]
Cliff: Son?
Theo: Yeah, Dad?
Cliff: There's no music coming through the headset. You still bopping to what's left of your brain?

Cliff: Your grandson pierced his ear.
Russell Huxtable: On purpose?


"The Cosby Show: Off to See the Wretched (#6.23)" (1990)
Vanessa Huxtable: May I please just have my punishment now?
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Vanessa, please. Your father and I have been through too much this evening to be sitting up here thinking of a punishment for you right now.
Vanessa Huxtable: But I'd like my punishment before I go to bed.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Do yourself a favor and go to bed.

Rudy Huxtable: Oh, look! There's Frankie X.on the T.V. right now! He's from the Wretched!
News Reporter: In other entertainment news lead singer Frankie X said in a news conference that he wanted to thank the citizens of Baltimore for letting the Wretched play there in Baltimore tonight...
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Did he just say that the Wretched are in Baltimore tonight?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: That's what he said.
Rudy Huxtable: Vanessa went all the way to Baltimore. WOW!


"The Cosby Show: Home Remedies (#7.20)" (1991)
Olivia Kendall: [Olivia is upset that she is sick and can't sing for Cliff's parents on their anniversary] I can't buy them anything. I'm broke.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: What happened to all your money?
Olivia Kendall: I don't know. I bought some bubble gum.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [on how everybody else has the perfect cure for Olivia's cold] This house is full of doctors.


"The Cosby Show: Golden Anniversary (#3.3)" (1986)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [Cliff's parents knock on the door] Who is it?
Anna Huxtable: Your mother.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [Opening the door] Nah, it's some old people out there married 50 years!

Anna Huxtable: Oh we were awake.
Russell Huxtable: Way past midnight.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Oh, got caught up on one of those old late night movies, didn't you?
Russell Huxtable: Nope.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Is it, you were playing cards?
Anna Huxtable: No.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Hold on, then were you reading?
Russell Huxtable: NO!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Well, what were you doing?
[Slight pause Cliff and Clair realize what Cliff's parents were doing. Cliff and Russell walk to the dining room]
Anna Huxtable: Well now Anna, I want to know the truth. Can I expect the same from that one?
Anna Huxtable: Til the grave.


"The Cosby Show: A Shirt Story (#1.5)" (1984)
Cliff: No 14 year old boy should have a $95 shirt unless he is on stage with his four brothers.

Cliff: No 14-year-old boy should have a ninety-five dollar shirt, unless he is on stage with his four brothers!


"The Cosby Show: Vanessa's Rich (#3.8)" (1986)
[On Vanessa complaining about the family being "rich"]
Cliff: Your mother and I are rich; you have nothing.

Cliff: [to Vanessa] Listen carefully. Your mother and I are rich, you have nothing.


"The Cosby Show: Vanessa's Bad Grade (#2.14)" (1986)
Denise Huxtable Kendall: Vanessa and I have fought over clothes before.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Yes, but not to the death!

Vanessa Huxtable: Dad, there's something else you should see.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [after finding the girls have been taking his clothes] What, my wedding suit?


"The Cosby Show: Rudy's Sick (#1.12)" (1984)
Rudy: Vanessa said that there are germs, what kind do I have?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Oh, yeah... What you have are the 'Tripp-tah-mel-perm-a-seps'
Rudy: 'Tripp-tah-mel-perm-a-seps?'
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Yes, the "Tripps" as the like to call themselves... They like to hang out at sinks and drinking fountains and they say,
[imitating Jeremey the No-Where Man from "The Yellow Submarine"]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Where's the party? I LOOVE to party! I just love to get inside of the young body and just... mmm, hmm, mmm... Party!
Rudy: Why me?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [normal voice] Well, they choose you because you're young and you're cute... and, they get inside your body and they say...
[does a jig and resumes talking like Jeremy]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Hmmm... This is lovey place to party.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [normal voice; quickens jig] And they start movin' around all fast you know...
[back to Jeremy voice]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Oooh, this is hot par-tay!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [normal voice] And jump into the court bussels and they did the boogey down like...
[Jeremey voice as the sitcom audience laughs]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Party, Party, Party, Party!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [to Rudy's teddy bear, Bobo] Bobo, I want you to stay warm, drink plenty of liquids and no salmon fishing for at least a week!


"The Cosby Show: Getting to Know You (#6.12)" (1989)
Cliff: A man with many goats gave my daughter away in my place.

[Cliff has just given Denise's hand away in holy matrimony]
Cliff: [to his "new" son-in-law] This is not a loan!


"The Cosby Show: Waterworks (#4.17)" (1988)
Clair Hanks Huxtable: So, I hear you're gonna fix the tile...
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: That's right...
Clair Hanks Huxtable: You're lookin' mighty cute in that toolbelt...
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [demurely] I've got it in suede too...

Rudy Huxtable: [Cliff is on the phone] Vanessa hit me!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: No, no. Go... read a book!


"The Cosby Show: And So, We Commence (#8.24)" (1992)
Kenny: [touches the door bell] Dang! Your father still working on the door bell, huh?
Theo: Yes, I guess he is. Come in, Kenny.
Kenny: [gives him a present] Happy graduation.
Theo: What is it?
Kenny: Open it.
Theo: [sits down on the sofa and opens it] Kenny, these are tube socks. They come in six pairs.
Kenny: Actually, five.
[shows his sox]
Kenny: I'll go get some tape to fix that door bell. We don't want our guests getting possessed. Walks out the door and closes it behind him.
Theo: Okay.
Theo: Dad, you invited Kenny? I told you there are no more tickets.
Cliff: Aw, come on, Theo. Kenny is like a mother or sister... he's like the brother you never had.
Theo: There's too much people and there's not enough tickets.
Cliff: If there's not enough, then uninvite him.
Theo: But the boy gave me tube socks.
Cliff: Well, then give him a ticket.


"The Cosby Show: Theo's Final Final (#7.13)" (1991)
[talking about a back rub in the living room]
Clair: You know that spot you found?
Cliff: Yeah?
Clair: Find that spot again.
Cliff: I can find another one if we go upstairs.
Clair: [laughs]


"The Cosby Show: Full House (#2.19)" (1986)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: You are a genius and I am a genius because I married you!
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Cliff, you think we should tell the kids we're down here?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Are you drunk?


"The Cosby Show: Father's Day (#1.13)" (1984)
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: [about the silly Miami necktie he bought Cliff for Father's Day] And, Dad, sorry about that tie.
Cliff: [holding a ridiculous tie he got for Father's Day] It's ok, son. Somewhere out there I'm sure there's a suit that goes with this tie. *But don't get the suit!*


"The Cosby Show: The Storyteller (#6.26)" (1990)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Once you sit down there will you be able to get back up?
Aunt Gramtee: Let's find out.
[sits on the couch and gets up]
Aunt Gramtee: Now, will that close your mouth?


"The Cosby Show: Food for Thought (#3.2)" (1986)
Cliff: [Clair is trying to get Cliff to change his eating habits.] I've been eating like this since I was four!
Clair: Yes darling. But now you are four-ty nine! And your little arteries don't unclog the way they used to. And who should know, BETTER THAN ME!
Cliff: [Blushing] Would you like to.....unclog my arteries?


"The Cosby Show: Home for the Weekend (#4.21)" (1988)
[as Denise is leaving]
Clair Hanks Huxtable: [calling to cliff] Cliff! Denise is leaving!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [in kitchen, to Denise] See ya later Homie!


"The Cosby Show: Cliff in Charge (#3.12)" (1986)
[Cliff has been delivering a baby at the hospital all night and is preparing for a little nap on the couch]
Russell Huxtable: I think you should go upstairs to bed.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: No, I can't. Mrs. Roland is ready to deliver. Her labor pains are fifteen minutes apart and her husband's are seven minutes apart.


"The Cosby Show: That's Not What I Said (#4.6)" (1987)
Theo: Hey dad. Am I really in that much trouble?
Cliff: Let me tell you something. Your mother and I go into the kitchen. You can go out and get in MY car. You can drive BACKWARDS to Coney Island, run over the hot dog man and TWO stop signs and you won't be in any more trouble than you are in now.


"The Cosby Show: Theo and Cockroach (#2.15)" (1986)
[Yelling at some snowball-throwing kids]
Cliff: This is Dr. Huxtable. I delivered some of you. I'm a parent and a taxpayer. And I am probably the only adult who will sue little children.


"The Cosby Show: Goodbye, Mr. Fish (#1.2)" (1984)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: This is not a Hollywood funeral. Now, take the sunglasses off.
Denise Huxtable: [Denise takes them off and Cliff sees she's put on strange makeup]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Put the sunglasses back on!


"The Cosby Show: Same Time Next Year (#7.1)" (1990)
Rudy: This is woman stuff. I really need to talk to Mom.
Cliff: I'm a gynecologist, and you want to talk to a lawyer?


"The Cosby Show: You're Not a Mother Night (#1.11)" (1984)
[Clair is complaining about her life as a mother and her job at the office]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: So... it's work.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: [looks at him; shocked] No.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: No?
Clair Hanks Huxtable: No!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: *NO?*
Clair Hanks Huxtable: No, I love my work.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [sotto voce] I'm sorry...
Clair Hanks Huxtable: But then, I come home and people are crying, wanting dinner, have a button popped off and in need to be sowed on.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: So, it's the kids again!
Clair Hanks Huxtable: [shocked] No, it's not!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: It's the kids, and work.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: [with great passion] NO!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [distraught] Then, it's ME?


"The Cosby Show: You Only Hurt the One You Love (#3.18)" (1987)
[Rudy has hurt herself badly during play and Cliff wants to examine her]
Rudy Huxtable: [crying] I want to see a doctor.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: I am a doctor.
Rudy Huxtable: [still crying] No you're not! You're Daddy!


"The Cosby Show: Day of the Locusts (#5.24)" (1989)
[Sondra goes upstairs after lecturing Clair and her mother-in-law]
Clair: Do you think it's safe for us to move now?
Cliff: Do you feel lucky?


"The Cosby Show: Cliff's Mistake (#4.4)" (1987)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: I'm so smart I'm smarter than ME!


"The Cosby Show: Shall We Dance? (#6.7)" (1989)
Rudy: [interrupts Cliff trying to kiss Clair] Dad?
Cliff: Why is it every time I try to kiss my wife, a kid pops up?


"The Cosby Show: Dance Mania (#4.10)" (1987)
Cliff: [to Vanessa after doing a math problem in which she got done faster than him] You wanna talk ways? When they read out my will, base method zero times zero, carry the zero!


"The Cosby Show: Cliff's 50th Birthday (#3.20)" (1987)
Sondra Huxtable Tibideaux: Turning fifty is a monumental occasion in a man's life.
Cliff: Oh, Lord, who let this child in the house?


"The Cosby Show: Cliff in Love (#2.4)" (1985)
[while Elvin waits for Sondra, Clair offers coffee for him and Cliff; Elvin is surprised]
Elvin Tibideaux: I'm sorry, Mrs. Huxtable, I didn't think you did that kind of thing.
Clair Huxtable: What kind of thing?
Elvin Tibideaux: You know... serve.
Clair Huxtable: Serve whom?
Elvin Tibideaux: [indicating Cliff] Serve him.
Clair Huxtable: [with a tense smile] Oh, serve *him*. As in "serve your man"?
Elvin Tibideaux: Well, yeah.
Clair Huxtable: [now visibly indignant] Let me tell you something, Elvin. You see, I am not "serving" Dr. Huxtable, okay?
Elvin Tibideaux: Okay.
Clair Huxtable: That's the kind of thing that goes on in a restaurant. Now I am going to bring him a cup of coffee just like he brought me a cup of coffee this morning. And *that*, young man, is what marriage is made of: it is give-and-take fifty-fifty. And if you don't get it together, and drop these macho attitudes, you are never gonna have anybody bringing you anything anywhere any place any time EVER.
[pauses, then smiles graciously]
Clair Huxtable: Now, what would you like in your coffee?
Elvin Tibideaux: [shaken] Maybe I can get *you* some coffee.
Clair Huxtable: Elvin, that's alright. I don't mind getting it. But thanks for offering.
[Clair takes the tray to the kitchen; Elvin slowly sits down and looks at Cliff, scared]
Cliff: Elvin?
Elvin Tibideaux: Yes, sir?
Cliff: When she brings the coffee back, if I were you, I wouldn't drink it.


"The Cosby Show: Play It Again, Russell (#2.17)" (1986)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: I'm not stubborn.


"The Cosby Show: The Lost Weekend (#5.14)" (1989)
Cliff: You know, America is a great place, but it doesn't have a place where you can get rid of your kids.


"The Cosby Show: Calling Doctor Huxtable (#3.17)" (1987)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Mrs. Schrader has been here eight times. I know the Schrader babies. When they see daylight they run.


"The Cosby Show: Mrs. Westlake (#2.12)" (1986)
[First lines]
Rudy Huxtable: [Rudy is reading a book, while she is lying on top of her father who is sleeping] I gave my cat a ball of...
[stumbles over a word]
Rudy Huxtable: Yah... Yah- Daddy?
[jabs her father awake]
Rudy Huxtable: Daddy!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [wakes up with a start] What's happening?
Rudy Huxtable: What is this word?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [reading the book] Yah-arn. Yarn.
Rudy Huxtable: Thanks, Daddy.
[Goes back to reading]
Rudy Huxtable: I gave my cat a ball of yarn, she plah...
[jabs at her father awake]
Rudy Huxtable: Daddy!
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: [wakes up again with a start] Where are you going?


"The Cosby Show: The Birth (#5.6)" (1988)
Cliff: [about Sondra and Elvin's baby] It'll be a boy named after me.
Clair: It might be a girl named after me.
Cliff: Still named after me. Heathcliff Female.


"The Cosby Show: Denise: The Saga Continues (#6.1)" (1989)
Clair: Denise is married, and I don't even know her last name.
Cliff: Mrs. Stupid!


"The Cosby Show: Theo and the Older Woman (#2.5)" (1985)
Denise Huxtable Kendall: Mom, Dad. I need your help.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: What's up?
Denise Huxtable Kendall: Theo. He is acting weird and he is ruining my project.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Oh dear. How is he acting weird and ruining your project.
Denise Huxtable Kendall: He is trying to impress Susanne.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: What is he doing?
Denise Huxtable Kendall: He has changed his clothes, he cleans his room and now he is upstairs studying.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Well. We'll see if we could get her to move in.


"The Cosby Show: Clair's Toe (#2.10)" (1985)
[Clair "accidently" took the remote for the TV with her upstairs and now Cliff has followed her to get it back]
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: I came up here to get the remote.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Why can't you get up and turn on the television by yourself?
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Because I don't wanna walk to the TV.


"The Cosby Show: Mother, May I? (#3.5)" (1986)
Cliff: [coming into the kitchen to find Clair counting backwards] Uh-oh, she's counting down. Who's in trouble?
Clair: 29, 28, Vanessa, 27, 26.
Cliff: What's she in trouble for?
Clair: 25, 24, 23, 22, after we had our long discussion she had the nerve to come in this house with make-up on.
Cliff: Yeah, they want to grow up really fast, don't they?


"The Cosby Show: Theo's Dirty Laundry (#6.21)" (1990)
Clair Hanks Huxtable: When are you gonna get it, Theo? This is not about living with Justine. This is about doing something behind our backs and then lying to us about what it is you're doing!
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: I'm sorry.
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Yesterday, you said your mother and I were controlling you with our money and that you and Justine were gonna go on and live your own lives. Now, did you ever stop to think what would happen if we said you couldn't come back here?
Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable: No.
Clair Hanks Huxtable: Of course, you didn't! Because we're your 'safety net'! You go out, you mess up, you listen to our lecture, and then you go out and you mess up again! Well, Theo, I have had enough. I do not have the strength to keep letting you come back into this house.


"The Cosby Show: Clair's Liberation (#7.11)" (1990)
Clair: Cliff... there are three idiots in the kitchen.
Cliff: You have to be a little more specific than that.


"The Cosby Show: The Drum Major (#4.16)" (1988)
[On Cliff's apron]
Heathcliff Huxtable: When I take this off... EAT


"The Cosby Show: With This Ring? (#8.1)" (1991)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: He may be filet mignon but you served him to us on a garbage can top.


"The Cosby Show: Theo's Gift (#6.5)" (1989)
Cliff: This is not Burger King. You can't have it your way!


"The Cosby Show: Say Hello to a Good Buy (#3.15)" (1987)
Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable: Well I came to buy a uh station wagon maybe
Mr. Babcock: A station wagon? With all of your money?