Richard Fish
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Quotes for
Richard Fish (Character)
from "Ally McBeal" (1997)

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"Ally McBeal: Blowin' in the Wind (#5.9)" (2002)
Richard Fish: You know, Ally, no matter how low I set the bar of common sense, you amaze me in your ability to slither under it.

Richard Fish: Women shouldn't enjoy sex. Period. If God wanted that, he'd have given them penises.

"Ally McBeal: Out in the Cold (#3.9)" (2000)
Richard Fish: You could have at least TRIED to be sympathetic.
Ling Woo: I was under oath!
Richard Fish: Garlic...
Ling Woo: If this thing comes down to whether or not that Judge likes me, Richard, then I lose. He hates me.
[John leans on Richard and takes off his shoes]
Ling Woo: What is the funny little man doing now?
John "The Biscuit" Cage: I have to prepare my final statement, you ungrateful little PIMP.
[Ling gasps]

Richard Fish: Your Honor, if I may...
Judge Seymour Walsh: Oh, Dear God!
Richard Fish: Almost EVERY woman is BOUGHT. It's good that these kids learn that at a young age.
Judge Seymour Walsh: Mr. Fish -
Richard Fish: Tell me women don't become interested in men because of the size of their wallets. We see beautiful young girls walking around with 80-year-old men on WELFARE all the time, don't we? People in this country are seduced by success! Fancy car, big house, beautiful woman. It's the American Way.

"Ally McBeal: One Hundred Tears Away (#1.5)" (1997)
Richard Fish: Ally, you can't just attack somebody over a snack treat. That's not a Fishism. That's just a rule of common sense.

Elaine Vassal: They subpoenaed me.
Ally McBeal: What?
Richard Fish: Who?
Elaine Vassal: The Board. They want me to appear to talk about Ally.
Ally McBeal: You?
Richard Fish: Why?
Elaine Vassal: I don't know. Well, don't look so worried. I'm on your side.
Ally McBeal: Well - well, that's what worries me.

"Ally McBeal: You Never Can Tell (#2.9)" (1998)
[Ally, Georgia, and Billy arguing with Richard]
Richard Fish: Hold on! Quiet! Let me ignore you one at a time.

Richard Fish: John? John, y- you got the biggest booger. Oh, sorry, it's a frog. Bygones.

"Ally McBeal: Story of Love (#2.5)" (1998)
Richard Fish: What do you mean she got arrested?
Billy Thomas: She wasn't that clear. Evidently, she went to help someone in distress, and kicked her.
Richard Fish: Hmm. That's clear.

"Ally McBeal: Love Is All Around: Part 1 (#5.16)" (2002)
Richard Fish: Look, Liza. We're lawyers. It's our job to make people hate each other. You can't hold us liable...

"Ally McBeal: The Oddball Parade (#3.14)" (2000)
Richard Fish: Objection! Your Honor, this is boring!

"Ally McBeal: Without a Net (#4.4)" (2000)
Richard Fish: Let me tell you something about women, Mark. Don't talk to them. They'll talk back. Women should be obscene, and not heard. Fishism.

"Ally McBeal: Mr. Bo (#4.11)" (2001)
Ally McBeal: Richard, I'm going to ask you one more time, did you hire me based on my looks?
Richard Fish: [sighs] Ally, did we know each other in law school?
Ally McBeal: Not... really.
Richard Fish: Mmm-hmmm. Did I interview you for the job?
Ally McBeal: No.
Richard Fish: Did I ask to see a reference or a transcript?
Ally McBeal: No.
Richard Fish: So, all I had to go on was looks. Why bite the hand that wants to touch you?
[Richard fingers Ally's wattle, she slaps him away]
Ally McBeal: So, this had nothing to do with my ability as a lawyer.
Richard Fish: What ability? I'm still looking for that. Kidding. Ally, you, Ling, Nelle, you're smart. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. But you have to remember, people hate lawyers. The clients think their lawyers are only out to screw them. It's just easier being screwed by a beautiful woman. Vulgarism, but ...
Ally McBeal: [turning to walk out] I can't believe this.
Richard Fish: Don't tell me you don't trade on your looks every day, Ally. You wake up each morning, you pull out the lip gloss, the rouge, the blush. What for, to brush up your intellect?

"Ally McBeal: Just Friends (#3.10)" (2000)
Richard Fish: She said that?
John "The Biscuit" Cage: Yes!
Richard Fish: Well, so, she had a dream. That doesn't...
John "The Biscuit" Cage: No, it's not the dream! She was suggesting that she and I explore being a couple. And Richard, I have to admit I've always harbored feelings for Ally.
Richard Fish: Oh, gee, there's a flash. Look, John, there ARE ethical considerations here. The only question you have to ask yourself is: Can you sleep with Ally without Nell finding out?

"Ally McBeal: Girls' Night Out (#4.2)" (2000)
Cindy McCauliff: How DARE you.
Richard Fish: I didn't TELL him!
Cindy McCauliff: You were ABOUT to!
Richard Fish: No, no, no. I was just ...
Cindy McCauliff: You had NO right.
Richard Fish: Mark is a FRIEND of mine!
Cindy McCauliff: I've HAD boyfriends before. Things have been JUST fine.
Richard Fish: They have? Wait, how?
Cindy McCauliff: I tell them I'm Catholic.
Richard Fish: I'm confused. Catholic girls have penises? 'Cause I thought ...
Cindy McCauliff: I tell them I'm against pre-marital sex!
Richard Fish: No, I'm still confused. What other kind of sex IS there?

"Ally McBeal: Home Again (#4.22)" (2001)
John Cage: [answering his mobile phone] Hello? What do you mean you're going into court?
Richard Fish: I got it all at Radio Shack, John. And I've got a miniature earpiece and the mike fits on my lapel. It should be easy.
John Cage: Well, don't - don't be ridiculous, Richard. I can't argue your case for you over the phone.
Richard Fish: No, you don't. You feed *me* the arguments. Just like that show. Uh, what was it? Cyrano de Burger King? Whatever.

"Ally McBeal: Lost and Found (#5.6)" (2001)
John Cage: I can't believe it! You're lip-synching your response!
Richard Fish: I had a lot to say. I wanted to make sure I...
John Cage: And you can't give it to me LIVE?
Richard Fish: Nobody does their best work LIVE.

"Ally McBeal: Changes (#3.6)" (1999)
Richard Fish: John, if you don't like who you are, if you're truly unhappy with your life, it only means you're ready to have children.