John Cage
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Quotes for
John Cage (Character)
from "Ally McBeal" (1997)

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"Ally McBeal: Tom Dooley (#5.18)" (2002)
Liza Bump: [squeezing John Cage's face] Isn't HE like a cute little stuffy? And such a good little lawyer. Yes, you are.
John Cage: All right.
Liza Bump: Yes, you are!

John Cage: The law is the law, Liza. And she *broke* it.
Liza Bump: John, in some states, oral sex is against the law. You don't see people getting thrown in jail for that.
John Cage: Bigamy is a little more serious.
Liza Bump: [coyly] You don't take oral sex seriously?
John Cage: [flustered] We're both on the same side here. Would you please STOP trying to RATTLE me?
Liza Bump: Oh, yeah. Force of habit.

Judge Seymour Walsh: Mr. Cage. Ms. Bump. I'll ask you to proceed without the nonsense.
John Cage: [reading notes] OK, uh... Mmm, no, I'm sorry. All I had left was nonsense.
John Cage: [sits back down]


"Ally McBeal: Love Is All Around: Part 2 (#5.17)" (2002)
John Cage: [to Liza Bump] Look, you *little* VIXEN.

John Cage: [of Liza Bump] Oh, I am going to GET *her*.


"Ally McBeal: Love Is All Around: Part 1 (#5.16)" (2002)
John Cage: [regarding Liza Bump] All right. Your Honor, let the record reflect she just grazed my johnson.

[after Liza Bump leaves]
Nell Porter: John? We have to get that little bitch.
John Cage: Have no fear, Nelle. She is a bagel.
Nell Porter: A bagel?
John Cage: I meant to say toast. No fear.


"Ally McBeal: Just Friends (#3.10)" (2000)
Richard Fish: She said that?
John "The Biscuit" Cage: Yes!
Richard Fish: Well, so, she had a dream. That doesn't...
John "The Biscuit" Cage: No, it's not the dream! She was suggesting that she and I explore being a couple. And Richard, I have to admit I've always harbored feelings for Ally.
Richard Fish: Oh, gee, there's a flash. Look, John, there ARE ethical considerations here. The only question you have to ask yourself is: Can you sleep with Ally without Nell finding out?

[to Richard Fish]
John "The Biscuit" Cage: You know, it's just that simple with you, isn't it? Sex sex, sex sex sex! It's waddle with Whipper versus knee pit with Ling. Boy, you put the Fish in "superficial", dammit.


"Ally McBeal: Home Again (#4.22)" (2001)
Ally McBeal: [Larry is out with another woman] Hey, Larry.
Larry Paul: Ally, hi. This is Helena. Helena, Ally.
Helena Fisher: Hello.
Ally McBeal: [still glaring at Larry] Hi. I thought we were watching our cholesterol this month.
Larry Paul: Helena's my ex-wife. Hey, John.
John Cage: Hey-y.
Ally McBeal: Your ex-wife? Oh. Well, what are you talking about over ice cream?
Larry Paul: [wiping whipped cream off his face] Oh, uh, well, um... Nothin'.
Helena Fisher: Nothing.
Ally McBeal: Nothing over ice cream. Great! Maybe you can, um, talk under it.
Ally McBeal: [dumps Larry's ice cream on his head] Hmmm. Are you done?
Helena Fisher: [nods] Mmm-hmm.
Ally McBeal: Good.
Ally McBeal: [dumps Helena's ice cream on Larry's head] Oh, this will just warm you up.
Ally McBeal: [pours hot fudge on Larry's head] Mmm. Oh, oh. One minute.
Helena Fisher: Take your time.
Ally McBeal: [sprays Larry with whipped cream] There we go. OK. Come on, John.
John Cage: Bye now.
Helena Fisher: She seems nice.
Larry Paul: She's a sweetheart.

John Cage: [answering his mobile phone] Hello? What do you mean you're going into court?
Richard Fish: I got it all at Radio Shack, John. And I've got a miniature earpiece and the mike fits on my lapel. It should be easy.
John Cage: Well, don't - don't be ridiculous, Richard. I can't argue your case for you over the phone.
Richard Fish: No, you don't. You feed *me* the arguments. Just like that show. Uh, what was it? Cyrano de Burger King? Whatever.


"Ally McBeal: Out in the Cold (#3.9)" (2000)
Richard Fish: You could have at least TRIED to be sympathetic.
Ling Woo: I was under oath!
Richard Fish: Garlic...
Ling Woo: If this thing comes down to whether or not that Judge likes me, Richard, then I lose. He hates me.
[John leans on Richard and takes off his shoes]
Ling Woo: What is the funny little man doing now?
John "The Biscuit" Cage: I have to prepare my final statement, you ungrateful little PIMP.
[Ling gasps]


"Ally McBeal: Reasons to Believe (#4.9)" (2001)
John "The Biscuit" Cage: It's very hard to make any sense of this without - well, at least with any degree of persuasion.
Ally McBeal: Well, does it have to make sense? I mean, the best things don't. Do they?
John "The Biscuit" Cage: Such as?
Ally McBeal: Love... Beauty is another - it's in the eye of the beholder. Even humor doesn't make sense, when you think about it - sense of humor? Who can explain what people find funny? I mean, to me, it's the insistence on making sense that doesn't make sense.


"Ally McBeal: I Know Him by Heart (#2.23)" (1999)
[to Nell Porter]
John Cage: You made fun of my stuttering AND my smile therapy. You are a mean woman.


"Ally McBeal: One Hundred Tears (#5.10)" (2002)
Elaine Vassal: Sorry I'm late.
Harriet Pumple: Oh, Elaine, you can go first - since some of us seem to be resistant. Now, specifically what do you look for in a man?
John Cage: A pulse and a penis. Not necessarily in that order.


"Ally McBeal: Neutral Corners (#5.3)" (2001)
John "The Biscuit" Cage: Well, that's the trouble, I suppose, in coming at people with honesty. They sometimes counter with it.


"Ally McBeal: Lost and Found (#5.6)" (2001)
John Cage: I can't believe it! You're lip-synching your response!
Richard Fish: I had a lot to say. I wanted to make sure I...
John Cage: And you can't give it to me LIVE?
Richard Fish: Nobody does their best work LIVE.


"Ally McBeal: Changes (#3.6)" (1999)
John Cage: Remnants in toilet bowls actually traumatize me.