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: I brought wine, cheese, and condoms. I thought we'd picnic. Shirley Schmidt
: Missy came to my office today. Ivan Tiggs
: Ah! So just the wine and cheese.
: Ivan, always good doing business with you. Ivan Tiggs
: Yes, it is.
: Nothing worse than having your heart crushed and your pride stung all on the same day. Shirley Schmidt
: My God, we have the fastest water cooler in town. I feel like such a fool. Denny Crane
: Ah, forget it. If anyone knows about being a fool it's Denny Crane.
: Crane comes before Schmidt. Shirley Schmidt
: You are referring of course to when we were intimate.
: [to Alan Shore
] Since I'm your boss, I can't return your sexual banter, but I will state for the record that if I were looking for a rattle, he would be younger. He would be better-looking. He would be something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish and, judging from what I saw in the mirror when I first came in, he would be *bigger*. Much.
: You left me; and for a secretary! Shirley Schmidt
: Denny; it was the Secretary of Defense.
: Denny! You're back. Denny Crane
: I am? I am. And I'm all here. Shirley Schmidt
: Congratulations on your big victory, it's all over the news. Married? Denny Crane
: No. Shirley Schmidt
: You tried. Denny Crane
: I did.
: Shirley. This is a sweeps episode. Shirley Schmidt
: I'm not kissing you. Denny Crane
: Shirley! I'm in my seventies. I'm still a physical specimen, but you never know. What if I drop dead one day? You never got that last tonsil brushing. Shirley Schmidt
: You always present the most ethically challenging what-ifers.
: [thoughtfully says
] Judge Brown Shirley Schmidt
: Come again? Denny Crane
: I don't like it when you say that, Shirley. It puts pressure on me.
Father Michael Ryan
: And suddenly he's swinging the axe. I put my hand out and he chopped it. He cut three of my fingers right off. They just fell to the floor. A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg
: And then what happened, sir? Father Michael Ryan
: Well, I was rushed to the hospital. Two of my fingers were recovered and re-attached. And then his colleague, that woman, came in brandishing my third finger. She wouldn't give it back unless I revealed privileged information about one of my parishioners. He cut it off and she extorted me with it. Shirley Schmidt
: My first question would be... if someone is swinging an axe, why stick your hand out? Father Michael Ryan
: I didn't think he'd actually try to... Shirley Schmidt
: And to be clear, when you speak of your parishioner, you refer to the man charged with kidnapping the child. Father Michael Ryan
: Well, yes. Shirley Schmidt
: And also to be clear... you knew your parishioner was a pedophile. Father Michael Ryan
: I am not going to reveal privileged information to you, just like I wouldn't to him. Shirley Schmidt
: But you did reveal information to Miss Bauer. You told her where your parishioner's hideaway was. You'll reveal privileged information to get your fingers back, but not to save the life of a child. A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg
: Objection. Judge Clark Brown
: Sustained! Shirley Schmidt
: As a policy, if a pedophile killer confesses his crime, you'll protect that secret. Father Michael Ryan
: I cannot break the confessional seal. It's Canon Law. Shirley Schmidt
: Is that stupid? A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg
: Objection! Shirley Schmidt
: [judge raises hand
] I'm sorry. But the laws in this country to protect against child abuse supersede doctor-patient privilege, lawyer-client privilege, but not priest-parishioner privilege? Has the Catholic Church earned some special exemption when it comes to pedophiles? A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg
: Objection! Shirley Schmidt
: [judge raises hand
] Do we trust them more in this area? Father Michael Ryan
: That's a cheap shot. Shirley Schmidt
: I've been known to take them.
: I love you Shirley, I'm not ashamed to say it. Shirley Schmidt
: If you love me, then you'll want me to be happy, even if I'm not with you. Denny Crane
: I don't love you that much.
Jerry 'Hands' Espenson
: I've handled multinational corporate bankruptcies, high-profile murder cases, and defended manufacturing giants against product liability charges. Shirley Schmidt
: Yes? Jerry 'Hands' Espenson
: And you assign me the duck lady! Shirley Schmidt
: Is she just sitting alone in your office? Jerry 'Hands' Espenson
: She has the duck! I can only surmise you did this because, one, you're hazing me since I'm the new guy again, or two, you think my Asperger's allows me to relate to anyone colorful, or three, you're having second thoughts about rehiring me. Shirley Schmidt
: It's four. I'm a name partner and I don't - underscore - have to explain myself to you. Jerry 'Hands' Espenson
: Well, that's a conversation-stopper.
: This is very awkward. I'm not even sure you're the right person to come to, but you're a woman. Shirley Schmidt
: That's very kind.