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: I know I've got it great, really. Good job, good friends, loving family. Total freedom and long bubble baths. What else could there be?
: They subpoenaed me. Ally McBeal
: What? Richard Fish
: Who? Elaine Vassal
: The Board. They want me to appear to talk about Ally. Ally McBeal
: You? Richard Fish
: Why? Elaine Vassal
: I don't know. Well, don't look so worried. I'm on your side. Ally McBeal
: Well - well, that's what worries me.
: Do you think I'm nuts? Jennifer 'Whipper' Cone
: No. But I'm not sure you have two feet on the ground either. Ally McBeal
: Do you mean some people do?
: How did I get to be such a mess so soon in my life? Billy Thomas
: You've always been ahead of your time.
: Who wants to be balanced, Billy? Balance is way overrated!
: You are the biggest *ass* I have ever *met*. Larry
: Perhaps this is where you... kiss it goodbye.
: You are the biggest ass I have ever met. Larry Paul
: Perhaps this is where you kiss it goodbye.
[Ally leaves the room
] Larry Paul
: What did I say?
: Do you always talk in run-on sentences? Ally McBeal
: I'm afraid that if I stop for air, somebody else will get a word in.
: Maybe I will share my life with somebody, maybe not, but the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.
: Okay, the-the-buttock, the- the CONTRACT called for no minimum.
: How many couples do you know go to the Caribbean to have polite sex?
, Victor Morrison
: It's not like we were having so much fun talking. You barely said a poop. Victor quickly intervenes, Peep.
: It doesn't matter that I'm not in a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I'm just being unfaithful to love itself.
: Maybe it's because they say love is about learning to compromise. That's why they all get themselves into compromising positions. They can call it research. Whatever the secret is, I don't think I'm gaining on it. And I don't need the answers. I've got friends. I've, I've got hope.
Billy Alan Thomas
: [during his summation
] Last month, two people who never met got married on national television.
[walks over to defense table quietly talks to Ally
] Billy Alan Thomas
: Did I imagine that or did that really happen? Ally McBeal
: That really happened.
: Could I... uh could I have your attention please. About 40 minutes ago, um Billy Thomas passed away.
[pause, stunned silence in the office
] Ally McBeal
: Uh he went quiet - - quietly and peaceful
] Ally McBeal
: I just got this piano. And sometimes I sing the song called "Goodnight my someone". And it's about... Basically it's a love song to somebody that you've never met but you know is out there. And I know, I mean, we make so few promises to ourselves as we grow up and one of these is that we walk down the aisle with somebody we love, somebody who does make your heart bounce, I guess. And there are some promises that I think we just have to keep.
: Will you ever forgive my letting go? Ally McBeal
: I'll forgive it. But I'm still not sure I'll ever understand it.
[about a threesome
] Ally McBeal
: Relationships should go in twos. Or at least in even numbers.
John "The Biscuit" Cage
: It's very hard to make any sense of this without - well, at least with any degree of persuasion. Ally McBeal
: Well, does it have to make sense? I mean, the best things don't. Do they? John "The Biscuit" Cage
: Such as? Ally McBeal
: Love... Beauty is another - it's in the eye of the beholder. Even humor doesn't make sense, when you think about it - sense of humor? Who can explain what people find funny? I mean, to me, it's the insistence on making sense that doesn't make sense.
: You've seen me dance. Now watch me fornicate.
: John, the last thing you want is to be in love with someone that you can't have. That is something I know.
: Jenny, the wrong ones can't hurt you. But the right ones, they're the killers.
: Well, uh, Your Honour, given that my client has not been truthful with me, I would like to withdraw as counsel. Judge Maynard Snipp
: Too late. We start tomorrow. You are her lawyer, hmm? Ally McBeal
: You can't make me! Judge Maynard Snipp
: The bad news for you is I can. The good news - dress however you like.
: You own a store? Hammond Deering
: And three others.
: Richard, I'm going to ask you one more time, did you hire me based on my looks? Richard Fish
] Ally, did we know each other in law school? Ally McBeal
: Not... really. Richard Fish
: Mmm-hmmm. Did I interview you for the job? Ally McBeal
: No. Richard Fish
: Did I ask to see a reference or a transcript? Ally McBeal
: No. Richard Fish
: So, all I had to go on was looks. Why bite the hand that wants to touch you?
[Richard fingers Ally's wattle, she slaps him away
] Ally McBeal
: So, this had nothing to do with my ability as a lawyer. Richard Fish
: What ability? I'm still looking for that. Kidding. Ally, you, Ling, Nelle, you're smart. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. But you have to remember, people hate lawyers. The clients think their lawyers are only out to screw them. It's just easier being screwed by a beautiful woman. Vulgarism, but ... Ally McBeal
: [turning to walk out
] I can't believe this. Richard Fish
: Don't tell me you don't trade on your looks every day, Ally. You wake up each morning, you pull out the lip gloss, the rouge, the blush. What for, to brush up your intellect?
: Lizzie Borden took an axe, gave her mother 40 whacks. Born again in '61, killed her husband just for fun.
: [on her wardrobe
] Men are constantly trying to mentally un-dress me. I'm just trying to save them some time, that's all.
: I don't condemn you for wanting somebody to love. I guess I just reject the notion that your life is empty without a man. Ally McBeal
: It's only half-empty.
: [Larry is out with another woman
] Hey, Larry. Larry Paul
: Ally, hi. This is Helena. Helena, Ally. Helena Fisher
: Hello. Ally McBeal
: [still glaring at Larry
] Hi. I thought we were watching our cholesterol this month. Larry Paul
: Helena's my ex-wife. Hey, John. John Cage
: Hey-y. Ally McBeal
: Your ex-wife? Oh. Well, what are you talking about over ice cream? Larry Paul
: [wiping whipped cream off his face
] Oh, uh, well, um... Nothin'. Helena Fisher
: Nothing. Ally McBeal
: Nothing over ice cream. Great! Maybe you can, um, talk under it. Ally McBeal
: [dumps Larry's ice cream on his head
] Hmmm. Are you done? Helena Fisher
] Mmm-hmm. Ally McBeal
: Good. Ally McBeal
: [dumps Helena's ice cream on Larry's head
] Oh, this will just warm you up. Ally McBeal
: [pours hot fudge on Larry's head
] Mmm. Oh, oh. One minute. Helena Fisher
: Take your time. Ally McBeal
: [sprays Larry with whipped cream
] There we go. OK. Come on, John. John Cage
: Bye now. Helena Fisher
: She seems nice. Larry Paul
: She's a sweetheart.
[after hearing that Ally broke up with Glenn
] Elaine Vassal
: Oh, Ally, I just want you to know that I am here for you. Ally McBeal
: Yes, and what am I gonna do about that?
: You know what? I'm not even in the mood for your issues. Ally McBeal
: My issues? What are my issues? Jackson Duper
: Look, lady. Ally McBeal
: Ally. Larry
: Jackson. Jackson Duper
: First, you're kissing me. Ally McBeal
: [gesturing to Larry
] I thought you were him. Jackson Duper
: Then you climbed into bed. Ally McBeal
: [gesturing to Renee
] I thought you were her. Jackson Duper
: Then your hands were all up on my privates. Ally McBeal
: Well, because I thought it was the remote control. Larry
: Hold on! Jackson Duper
: You found the remote, now, didn't you?
: I'm asking. Are you OK? Georgia Thomas
: Fine! I just went on this new diet. I lost 170 pounds of dead weight.
[Her soon-to-be ex-husband, Billy
] Georgia Thomas
: I feel great! Ally McBeal
: Are you sure? Georgia Thomas
: You can have him, Ally. Ally McBeal
: I don't *want* him.
Billy Thomas (Bellows, Gil)
: Ally, do you really want to be known as the mini-skirt attorney? Ally McBeal
: I don't want to be known as the attorney who let the judge tell her how to dress. Billy Thomas (Bellows, Gil)
: Ally, as your friend... Ally McBeal
: ...you will support me. Thank you.
: I'm taking a straw poll, do any of you believe you're going to find *the* one, your one true love? Ling Woo
: No. Nelle Porter
: No. Elaine Vassal
: Over and over again!
] Ally McBeal
: Looking backwards, many of the saddest times in my life turn out to be the happiest. So I *must* be happy now. Yeah. This is gonna be good. Why else would I be crying?