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: I once captained my own spaceship!
: Do you know who I am? Judge Phyllis Tamber
: Yes, I do. You used to be Denny Crane.
: Could I have a second alone, Denny? Denny Crane
: With me? Alan Shore
: With the judge.
: To next season, my friend. Alan Shore
: I can't wait to see what we do next! Denny Crane
: I'm just getting started! Alan Shore
: Denny Crane. Denny Crane
: Alan Shore. Alan Shore
: Denny! You're back. Denny Crane
: I am? I am. And I'm all here. Shirley Schmidt
: Congratulations on your big victory, it's all over the news. Married? Denny Crane
: No. Shirley Schmidt
: You tried. Denny Crane
: I did.
: Shirley. This is a sweeps episode. Shirley Schmidt
: I'm not kissing you. Denny Crane
: Shirley! I'm in my seventies. I'm still a physical specimen, but you never know. What if I drop dead one day? You never got that last tonsil brushing. Shirley Schmidt
: You always present the most ethically challenging what-ifers.
: You ever wonder if you and I are la-la? Denny Crane
: Don't be ridiculous. We're flamingos. And good ones.
: If a man tries to nail everything that moved he would be called... Denny Crane
: [walks up to group to chime in
] Denny Crane!
: [thoughtfully says
] Judge Brown Shirley Schmidt
: Come again? Denny Crane
: I don't like it when you say that, Shirley. It puts pressure on me.
: Alan, you know, one thing you sometimes forget is, no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices, how complex your ethical decisions, you always get to choose what you have for lunch. Alan Shore
: Daily, I am amazed at your inexhaustible ability to just live. Denny Crane
: It's either that or die.
: Nothing worse than having your heart crushed and your pride stung all on the same day. Shirley Schmidt
: My God, we have the fastest water cooler in town. I feel like such a fool. Denny Crane
: Ah, forget it. If anyone knows about being a fool it's Denny Crane.
: Crane comes before Schmidt. Shirley Schmidt
: You are referring of course to when we were intimate.
: You left me; and for a secretary! Shirley Schmidt
: Denny; it was the Secretary of Defense.
[Regarding a nervous habit of a colleague
] Alan Shore
: It helps him think; it's a peccadillo. Denny Crane
: A peccadillo? I don't have any peccadilloes. Alan Shore
: What's your name? Denny Crane
: Denny Crane.
: She's certainly limber for a woman her age. Denny Crane
: I'd like to be alone with my phone... just 15 minutes.
: [dressed as a flamingo
] Most of the Cranes in my family were flamingos.
: Most of the Democrats voted for this war. John Kerry voted for it. Hillary Clinton voted for it. And now, suddenly, it becomes unpopular... Say what you will, about Republicans. We stick to our convictions, even when we know we're dead wrong. Alan Shore
: Some might say especially then.
: She's not good for you, Alan.
[referring to Judge Gloria Weldon
] Alan Shore
: Why not? Denny Crane
: She just isn't. A woman knows these things. Trust me. Alan Shore
: Denny, you're not a woman. Denny Crane
: Women! Alan Shore
: Can't live with them. Denny Crane
: Can't take 'em quail hunting.
: Denny Crane, Reasonable Doubt for a reasonable fee.
: Que seran, seran. Alan Shore
: Sera. Denny Crane
: Really? I thought it was seran. Alan Shore
: No. Sera. Denny Crane
: What's seran? Alan Shore
: It's a wrap - keeps sandwiches fresh.
: Denny Crane! Denny Crane
: Alan Shore! Alan Shore
: Leaders of men! Denny Crane
: With bulleyes on our asses!
: I have no defense, Denny. I broke the law. Denny Crane
: So? Alan Shore
: So, usually in these situations I go with jury nullification. Persuade the jury to focus on the moral, not the legal, but here it makes no difference! What I did was unethical, immoral, illegal... Denny Crane
: You're being so negative. Alan Shore
: I need you to close. Denny Crane
: What do you mean? Alan Shore
: I'll try the case, but at the end I need somebody else to stand before the jury and say, "Let the man go." Denny Crane
: And you want me to do that? Alan Shore
: There was a day when all you had to do was say your name. Denny Crane
: That's still all I do. Alan Shore
: Denny, I find in life, and I know you must, that craft doesn't matter so much if one is a big enough star. You've spent your entire life getting away with who and what you are, because you're a star! Denny Crane
: Big star. I blow solar flares out of my ass. Alan Shore
: I need your start power here. I need you to stand up before that jury when we're done and tell them, "Let Alan Shore go!" Denny Crane
: Really? Alan Shore
: I have a gut feeling it's my best shot. Denny Crane
: Let him go! Denny Crane. I'll do it.
: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.
: Ban red meat! That cannot pass constitutional mustard.
[Shirley Schmidt is sending Alan to New Orleans to help out on a case
] Denny Crane
: I just heard! New Orleans! My penis is already packed! Alan Shore
: Denny, I would love for you to join, but this particular excursion is a rather serious one. Maybe you and I could go another time. Denny Crane
: Are you nuts? That damned tornado wiped out half the place. There's no time like the present. Alan, we must seize the hookers - uh, the day. Alan Shore
: You know, Denny, technically it wasn't so much a tornado as a hurricane. And you're holding a kazoo. Denny Crane
: Not just any kazoo. A trombone kazoo. A go-to-New-Orleans-under-the-pretext-of-some-legal-case-to-play-with-a-Dixie-land-band kazoo. Vanessa Walker
: I only have two plane tickets. Denny Crane
: Oh, gee, I only have a Gulf Stream. Alan Shore
: I think Denny wants to come, Vanessa. Denny Crane
: Denny Crane: Down on the Bayou.
[Alan and Denny talk on the balcony about how horrible it must have been in New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina
] Alan Shore
: I tried closing my eyes again... to imagine. I couldn't. Nobody could, I suppose, unless they were there. Denny Crane
: I was there. Well, I flew over in my Gulf Stream. Doesn't that count? Alan Shore
: To some.
: [On being allowed to attend a trial in Virginia
] Carl, Virginia's a swing state; I've always wanted to swing. Carl Sack
: Denny... Denny Crane
: Carl, we need to bond. Hell man, this is our last season.
: Do you believe in God, Doctor? Dr. Amanda Gerard
: I do. Denny Crane
: "God is my witness." That's what it says in the oath. I like to think God watches over me, too... Except, of course, in the privacy of my bedroom committing lewd acts. Judge Dale Wallace
: Mr. Crane.
: I don't fear death - never have. But I do fear being hooked up to a machine ... would you want to live like that? Alan Shore
: No, Denny, if it came to that, I'd pull the plug. Denny Crane
: Pull the plug? That's no way to die. I want you to shoot me!
: Wanna pull my string? Alan Shore
: Maybe later.
[Both simultaneously puff their cigars
: I didn't proposition her. I merely asked her to sleep with me.
: Denny, have you seen Shirley? Denny Crane
Judge Harvey Cooper
: You can stop trying to get yourself off the case, counsel. That isn't going to happen. Denny Crane
: Look, Judge, I can't defend a man who raped and murdered a 13-year-old girl. Judge Harvey Cooper
: Somebody's got to do it. Denny Crane
: Why me? Judge Harvey Cooper
: Because I said so. Denny Crane
] Which brings me to my second issue. Judge Harvey Cooper
: Which is? Denny Crane
: You're a douchebag. I don't do well with douchebags. Judge Harvey Cooper
] That won't work, either. You will try this case.
: You know, the best part of my marriages has always been the first day. Alan Shore
: Just married. Grand thing. But for me there was nothing more devastatingly lonely than being married for a while. Denny Crane
: You never talk about your wife. What was she like? Alan Shore
: She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition. Denny Crane
: Sounds spectacular. What happened? Alan Shore
: She began to know me too well, and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, that's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.
: Why Alan? That's all I'm gonna ask. Why? Alan Shore
: Some people see things as they are and ask why? Others see things as they never were and claim mad cow.
: It's not that I didn't appreciate your riveting performance, but I've mainly retained you to sit at the table as honorary friend of the judge. Denny Crane
: Let me tell you something, tiger. Alan Shore
: Tiger? Denny Crane
: You want Denny Crane to talk. When Denny Crane talks, E.F. Hutton listens. My presence alone - my presence is so powerful, I don't even have to talk. Sometimes I'm better when I don't talk. Alan Shore
: This was my thinking. Denny Crane
: I'm Denny Crane, damn it!
: [Reading a book about sea lice that are threating the salmon population
] Oh my God. This book? The Stain Upon the Sea? It's all about these sea lice. Denny Crane
: Interesting. Alan Shore
: They call them cling-ons. Denny Crane
: Did you say Klingons?
: When God strips you of your talent, he should at least have the decency to strip away the memory of having had it.
: [Denny and Carl enter the courtroom
] You must be joking A.A.G. Norman Wood
: Commonwealth has waived conflict Judge Clark Brown
: Wait a sec. The same firm for both sides? Denny Crane
: Saves on guest casting
: I can't fly. Alan Shore
: You're just discovering this?
: This is boring crap.
: Don't waste your time trying to get into my head. There's nothing there.
: So, you and Shirley. Gives us something in common. Ivan Tiggs
: Hell of a woman! Denny Crane
: Gives us something else in common. Ivan Tiggs
: What's that? Denny Crane
: We're both leading men. We're like stars of our own show; only the star doesn't have *one* leading lady. Oh, sure. Sometimes at the end of an episode... looks like he's settling down with someone, but next week, she's not there, it's somebody else. It's a way of holding up viewer interest. Ivan Tiggs
: You're a strange man, Denny Denny Crane
: A strange leading man.
: [Discussing their upcoming case - and the series finale
] Hey, maybe I'll retire after this. Alan Shore
: Don't be ridiculous... Denny Crane
: Well, what better way to go out? My last case - in front of the Supreme Court. Now there's a finale, Alan. Alan Shore
: They should put it on TV. Denny Crane
: We'd get ratings. Alan Shore
: If they promoted us. Of course, I think there's a law against promoting us. Denny Crane
: Seems to be. Alan Shore
: [Later in scene
] Oh, won't they be so happy to see us again? Denny Crane
: The rematch. Alan Shore
] The rematch. Denny Crane
: Grand finale. Alan Shore
: Special 9:00 start time.
: Shirley, this is a sweeps episode!
: I'm sorry, Denny. Denny Crane
: No you're not. You're relieved. Alan Shore
: Well, I'm that, too. But if you truly loved her then I am sorry. Denny Crane
: ... Alan Shore
: Denny? Denny Crane
: There's no need to be sorry, Alan. Love, even when it's fleeting, even if it's for a day or two...it's everything. Don't you agree? Alan Shore
: I do. I actually think it's why I'm still single. Every morning I get to wake up and I get to wonder: "Will this be the day?" Every night when I lay my head on my pillow I wonder: "Will I meet her tomorrow?" I imagine what she'll look like, her smile, the way she does her hair, how she laughs, the contour of her breasts, neck... The promise of love can be everything. It's a magic you really find in marriage if you luck out. Denny Crane
: Do you believe married people can stay in love? Alan Shore
: Oh, I believe thy can know even more profound joys be it with children, the depth of the relationship itself can evolve into something they can't possibly live without. And yet, it's something that doesn't quite so resemble love. It's not the romance of love. Denny Crane
: I never knew you to be such a romantic. Alan Shore
: My problem is I'm too romantic. No woman can possibly live up to the promise of tomorrow that love holds for me. Denny Crane
: What about me? Alan Shore
: That not the same. You know one thing I do love about you? Denny Crane
: Tell me! Alan Shore
: While many people embrace the promise of tomorrow, too few celebrate the joy of now. And nobody does that like Denny Crane. Denny Crane
: Let me tell you something. When you got polar ice caps melting and breaking off into big chunks and you got Osama still hiding in a cave, planning his next attack, when you got other rogue nations with nuclear arsenals, and not to mention some wack-job, home-grown that can cancel you at any second and when you got...mad cow, now gets high priority. And when you're still on the balcony on a clear night, sipping scotch with your best friend, now is everything. Alan Shore
: Here's to that. Denny Crane
: Here's to now.